Happy 2nd Birthday Jenna!!




April 3, 2006 would have been your second birthday Jenna. Hard for me to belieive it's been that long...seems like only yesterday in many ways. In reading through the letter I wrote to you for your first birthday I am reminded once again that though time eases the pain of losing you nothing has or ever will take away the sense of loss. The sheer missing you.

I wonder what you would be like as a two year old. Would you like your sister have found a new sense of independence and been as fiery as her? Would you be mellow and laid back? You would be running around the house along with Maria and helping her help me take care of Emilia I'm sure. I'm sure you and Maria would often be arguing because you would want to be part of everything she would be doing and being the older sister, she of course wouldn't want you to be "bugging" her all the time. I wonder what you would have looked like - seeing how much Emilia looks so much like the both of you did I wonder if we'd have 3 little girls that looked like their daddy or would you have looked more like me? Your coloring when you were born was much different then Maria's or Emilia's so maybe you would have been the one that had more of mommy in you...

I wonder if you would have been going through your terrible two's already or if you'd save it up until you were 3 like Maria did and then - bam - hit mom and dad with all that 3 year old sassiness. I wonder how our family would have been different if you had lived. Would Maria and I still but heads as we do so often or would you have balanced us out as Emilia has?

I have so many questions, I know I won't ever have answers to yet, I am in a much different place this year then I was last year and of course completely different from that day you were born and we were told you would not survive. I have since survived my third pregnancy and have been blessed with your baby sister Emilia. She brought hope back into my heart and a sense of peace that had long been missing. Yet, her birth brought home so many emotions all over again. Seeing her grow, listening to her coo's and watching her face light up when she smiles reminds me constantly what we missed out on with you. However, it also reminds me how truly lucky we are to have had you in our lives at all. Though I would never choose to only have 6 days with one of my children, 6 days is better then none at all. At least we were given the opportunity to share in the wonder of you - if only for a little while.

Seeing Maria with Emilia also fills me with emotions - she is such a good big sister to Emilia. She just adores her. It makes me sad that she never had the opportunity to get to know you or share in your life. She remembers you of course, from photos and from us talking about you but I know that she doesn't really remember being there. When she sees certain pictures she'll ask questions that tell me she doesn't actually remember experiencing your life. Again, another hard thing to take. She was only 3 but I wish she could recollect that time with you - that she could remember holding you and singing to you.

Emilia will grow up learning about you from us - knowing that she has two wonderful big sisters that watch out for her, only in different ways.

You will always be a part of our family. Though some people think that now that we have a 3rd child we should stop talking about you. As if they think we would be able to "move on" but you will never be forgotten. I will always speak your name. I will always include you when I'm signing cards from our family or telling someone how many children I have. I could never say only 2...whether you are alive or not, you are still my child.

I have been volunteering at the hospital on a board for the NICU trying to make it better for the families of the children that are there and hope that in some small way I can make a difference in your honor. It is my time to concentrate on you - to think about you. It helps me to know that even though I can not do all the daily motherly things that I do for your sisters, I can still do something in your honor, in your memory.

I feel your presence so often Jenna, I know you are with us. I know you watch over us and I know that your spirit lives on. I remember the day Emilia was born. I was having a hard time emotionally as I was laying there in the OR waiting for Emilia to cry - I just needed to hear her to know she was okay and I wouldn't have to go through that heartbreak again. Then as soon as it seemed I was really going to lose my mind, I felt you all around me. I felt your spirit fill the room and at that very moment, Emilia cried her first cry. Thank you for always showing me your strength, your presence, your love.

Forever and always you will live in my heart.

Love,
Mommy


April 2nd, 2006

Tomorrow is your 2nd birthday Jenna. We decided to take the day off and do something fun together. We ended up going to the zoo on Saturday thinking the weather might have been worse tomorrow. The whole day while we were there I thought of you. Of how it would have taken longer to get ready if we would have had a 2 year old in the house running around as we were all trying to get ourselves together. How when I saw a little one at the zoo that you would have been that size and when I heard a little girl talking who looked to be just about 2, that you would have been talking much like that - that sweet toddler speak - not really being able to express everything you want to yet able to know how to tell us when we weren't understanding you. I wondered if you would have looked like this little girl or that little girl and wondered if you would have loved seeing all the babies as much as Maria did.

Then today we got together with the grandparents and godparents for brunch. It was so nice just to be together with them to celebrate you. It was nice to know that even if it's just once a year, we can get together in your memory. As I read the cards I was left feeling so sad, knowing that at 2 you would know all about presents and be at the age that you loved just "tearing" in to them! What would we have bought for you? What would have been your favorite toy? Then as I looked around the room - watching Maria run around with Stella and Dylan and holding Emilia, I was at peace because though you weren't there physically, I know you were there spirtually. I know that you know we were there for you - to acknowledge your short life and honor the difference you made in each of our lives.

Love you,
Mommy
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