Happy 4^th birthday Jenna!

This last year has gone so fast and been full of so many ups and downs. I can’t believe you would be 4 already, that Maria is turning 7 and Emilia is already 2! Time just flies by so quickly and often I feel I take for granted all the wonderful people and things I have in my life.

One of my promises I made to you before you died was to help other people that are going through what we went through and feel I have made changes at least at North Memorial for families there. We put together a cookbook to raise funds for the families to buy grief materials, developmental materials and to help pay for parking while they stay at the hospital. Your beautiful photo was on the cover of the cookbook at the suggestion of the other moms on the committee. Seeing it for the first time was so bitter sweet. As your godmother Missy said, “Look, Jenna’s a little cover girl!” It meant so much to me that they wanted to honor you and I feel that all the work I put in to the cookbook was just that – to honor you and your brief life. But then as I sat at the hospital selling cookbooks and kept hearing people remark at what a beautiful baby you are and asking about your story it was very hard for me to not break down. Of course you are beautiful and of course I am so proud to be your mommy yet, it was hard to have to say over and over again that you died. You were the only one of the babies in the book who did. All the others have these amazing survival stories. It was very emotional.

I believe your story is just as inspiring but it’s hard not to ask why all the other babies survived and you didn’t. Why we have to live without you. I know how incredibly selfish that sounds and I truly am so happy that all of the other babies pulled through but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t tear at my heart.

Another promise I made to you was to live every day trying to be the best person I can be and I hate to admit to you that most days I fail miserably at this. I have come to realize over the last year that I have a lot of work to do on myself, on my relationships with other people and my reactions to others. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do feel I could do better. I could be a better mom to your sisters, a better wife to your dad, a better daughter, sister, and friend. Why have I spent so many years of my life wrapped up in anger and why do I push people away? Hopefully by your next birthday I will have resolved some of these issues. Maybe I’ll have some answers. Or at least, maybe it will be easier for me to let the people I love in, rather then push them away.

So many of the same questions come up each year at your birthday, as I’m sure they forever will. What would you look like? Would you have beautiful brown hair like your sisters or would you have mommy’s sandy colored hair? Would your eyes be hazel like moms, brown like daddies and your sisters or would you have blue eyes and surprises us all? Would you be soft spoken or loud and boisterous? What would your favorite color be? Your favorite dinner or flavor of ice cream? What would your laugh sound like? I’m sure it would be a great big belly laugh like your sisters have…but I’ll never know in this lifetime.

Each year that passes without you here feels like an insult that life has just gone on, yet your memory and spirit remain so clear to those that love you so dearly. The impact you had on all of our lives is amazing. My life was blessed the day you were born Jenna.

I love you and miss you.

Mommy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song is one I have come to love over the last year. I so often feel and believe your spirit is with me.

Diamond Rio - I Believe

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again And it’s like you haven’t been

Gone a moment from my side, Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me

And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see, I’ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, Oh I believe

Now when you die your life goes on,
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, Oh I believe

Forever, you’re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer if I can
Oh the people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
‘Cause I believe
Oh I believe

There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, Oh I believe

Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again

And I believe