Our Sunshine

Maria Marshal


Going through this whole grieving process I realize I need to not only grieve for what I have lost and the dreams that I had for Jenna but also for what you have lost and the dreams I had for you as a sister. I hope that one day you will be a sister to an earthly brother or sister but I will always be sad when I think of what your life would have been like if Jenna would have lived.

It is amazing to me, when I look back at the entries in my journal from when you were a baby how much I’ve grown as a parent, as a person all because of you Maria. I want to give you some insight into how Jenna has changed all of our lives forever. You are my first daughter, my first child, you are my “sunshine.”
Love,
Mommy


A letter to you, Maria when I was 26 weeks pregnant with you.

My dearest baby Wright,

The day I found out I was pregnant so many emotions ran through me. Your dad and I had talked about getting pregnant but I was so amazed when the doctor told me, "It's not the flu. You're pregnant!" I was completely filled with joy and yet completely terrified. I started worrying about whether or not I would be a good mother, what & how I would teach you, where would the money come from, how would we get everything ready in time. Anything I could worry about, I did. I also felt so much love. Love. That was this feeling in my stomach.

When your dad got home I handed him a card that had a baby that was crawling across the sand on the front of it and it was blank inside. I wrote, "Are you ready?" and as he read it his eyes lit up like I've never seen before. He asked me, "Are you serious?" We went to tell the grandparents that night - they were so happy and excited.

Then came the night about a month later when I started bleeding and we thought we were losing you. I had never been so scared in my life. We cried the whole night. When we went to the doctor and had the ultra sound they said everything was fine - there was nothing wrong with you and we both were so relieved. I was only 11 weeks pregnant then.

Now, I am 26 weeks and even though I said I was going to write to you at least once a month it hasn't happened. But I wanted to be sure to write to you before you were born so you knew that even before you were born you were so loved, so wanted. We may not always be the parents you want us to be and sometimes you may end up feeling like we're the worst parents in the world but no matter what, always know you are loved . We want so much to show you the beauty that exists in God's world.

As your mother, I always want you to feel loved, nurtured, protected. I want you to become the type of person that loves life, lives it to the fullest and is strong enough to get through the hard times. I want to teach you to never take anything for granted, especially the gift of life. I want to teach you to respect yourself, others and everything that God has created, creatures big and small. I hope to teach you to take the world in your hand and make the difference that only you can make. God gave you to your dad and I for a reason. There's no one else in the world like you, there never will be. You have special gifts that you can give to the world and to everyone you meet.

I hope to teach you that life is full of surprises and that each and every experience makes you who you are, both the good and the bad. I want to teach you that love is the most beautiful of God's gifts. His love of us, our ability to love others and to receive that love. There is nothing more precious then the gift of love. When you give your love to someone you are giving them your deepest self - the true you.

I want to teach you that self respect, self confidence, self love are more important then what anyone else thinks or says about you. If you love yourself, then and only then can you love others. If you respect yourself then you can respect others.

I want to protect you from everything bad that life may bring your way and since I cannot do that, I want to teach you to be strong enough to turn to God and let him guide you. I also want you to know that I will be there to help you when you ask, to catch you when you fall, to love you every minute of your life - even when I'm not physically with you.

With all my love,
Mommy


3-11-01

My dearest baby Wright,

It's getting so close and so real now - I dream of you every night now and I think of you every waking minute. I have so many worries, dreams, fears and hopes. I pray God will give me the strength to be the mother I want to be for you.

I love you so much already!

Love,
Mommy


About your birth

I planned to write my feelings about your birth in the hospital so I didn't forget a single minute - how naive I was to think I would want to do anything but hold you, study you.

I do remember, as I will for the rest of my life, how my heart seemed to explode with love and happiness the moment you were born. You showed my heart a whole knew kind of love - one that I could never have imagined before.

Your daddy had a look on his face I had never seen before in the 10 years we had been together - it was one of pure love, joy, pride and fear all wrapped in to one.

Those first moments with you were so amazing - I couldn't beleive that you were finally here and that this perfect, beautiful little girl was my daughter. That I was a mommy.

I felt like everything in my life had led me to this moment. You were the reason I was put on this earth. I was meant to be your mother.

Love,
Mommy


May 26, 2002

My angel Maria,

Today is your first birthday. It's 5:00 a.m. and though I'm exhausted I can't seem to sleep. I keep laying here thinking about this time last year - I was at home having contractions and was terrified and so excited to meet you finally. I knew you'd be born that day.

I can't begin to explain to you how happy this last year has been. I never knew how fulfilling being your mom would be. I never knew I could be this happy! You have become such a seet and loving little girl. You are always giggling at something...usually daddy or the animals. You love to make people laugh! I can't believe it's already been a year and yet it seems impossible to remember life before you. You have truly blessed our lives with your sweet personality...you'll never know how much you are loved! Thank you for the wonderful memories you have given us Maria. To another wonderful year with you and a lifetime of happiness for you!

Love,
Mommy & Daddy


5/11/03

Today is Mother's Day and it's hard for me to believe that you will be 2 years old soon. This past year has been so much fun with you! You have definately tested my patience over the last year, going through the terrible twos early, but it's only made us closer - it's forced us to find a new understanding and appreciation of eachother. You've taught me so much this year about myself - about being a strong and loving parent. I thank you for that.

You still love to laugh and to make others laugh and you love to make others happy. You love to help - help with the dishes, help clean up, anything you can do for someone else.

I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready and I could hear you and daddy giggling in the living room how truly blessed my life is and how truly blessed I am to be your mommy. You have brought so much love into my life.

You light up my heart, Maria.

Love,
Mommy


5/26/04

Today is your 3rd birthday. I can't believe that you are 3 years old! So much has happened this past year - I don't know where to begin.

The most significant thing is when I became pregant with our second child. We were so worried about telling you - we decided to wait until Christmas to tell you. The baby was due in April. After we told you, you had so many questions and then, when it seemed your questions had been answered, you became so excited. In January we went in for an ultrasound, you came with and were amazed when we told you that that thing on the monitor was a baby. We found out it was a girl, baby Jenna. We were so excited - we so wanted you to have a sister. We started reading books to you about babies and how life would be different when Jenna came home. You started talking to her in mommys tummy.

You helped us paint Jenna's room and helped make her crib up with all the new bedding. The closer April came the more excited all of us became.

Our excitement soon turned into heartbreak when on April 3, 2004 Jenna was born with severe brain damage due to a true knot in her cord.

We had 6 wonderful days together, the 4 of us as a family before Jenna died on April 9, 2004. It was so hard to lose Jenna - to have to say goodbye to her knowing I would not be able to be her mommy the way I am yours.

One of the hardest parts of losing Jenna for me was watching you lose your little sister. The little sister you had waited for, for so long. And though I know you are too young to understand exactly what an impact losing her will have on your life - you understand so much more then I ever would have guessed.

It was so hard and yet so wonderful to see you with Jenna. You hugged her, kissed her, held her, sang to her and tickled her (that's what you had waited all those months to do, you wanted to tickle her and make her laugh.)

You were such a good big sister Maria. I pray that someday I will have another baby, a baby that we will be able to bring home for you to tickle for the rest of your lives. I know Jenna will always be part of your life but I pray you will have an earthly brother or sister as well.

You have grown up so much from this experience, which makes me sad in so many ways. A 3 year old shouldn't have to learn about death - shouldn't have to watch her parents heart breaking as they bury her little sister - have to understand what a cemetary is...yet you do.

I am so proud to be your mother Maria. You are such a caring person - I remember the day I came home from the hospital, after Jenna was born. It was the first time I had to leave Jenna, laying in NICU, by herself and I started crying. You ran into your room and brought to me your favorite puppy to cuddle with. You then proceeded to bring me all of your favorite stuffed animals and blanket to "make Mommy happy." That's how you always are. You care so much about people and their feelings.

You have a beautiful spirit and I hope that nothing ever changes that.

Love,
Mommy


August 17, 2004

I haven't written much to you since Jeanna's death - I have been so consumed by my own grief that I sometimes feel I'm giving you enough of me. I have been told by other mothers who have lost children that at first I may not be able to be there for you, that I may feel like I'm not as good of a mother as I once was, but in the long run I will be a better, more accepting, more compassionate mom because of it. I pray to God every day that this is true.

I cannot imagine getting through this grief without you in my life Maria. You have been such a source of strength, joy, love and peace for me. Even though I will never get over losing Jenna, you have made the road a little easier to bare. Losing Jenna was the most difficult, most excruciatingly painful event of my life. Now, as I try to find a way to live with this permanent broken heart, I am even more thankful for you then I ever was.

I am also saddened over everything that you lost when Jenna died. Not only did you lose the little sister that you waited so long for and loved so much, but you lost a part of the innocence that is so wonderful about children. My heart aches when I think about you and Jenna and what you would be doing now if she had lived. She would be at that fun 4 month old stage - starting to explore the world through innocent eyes and you would be her teacher, her best friend. She would be able to giggle at your funny little antics and you would love every minute.

When I think to the future, I think about your wedding day and that she should be standing up there next to you...when you have your own babies, she should be there with you...all those once in a lifetime moments that you should have your sister there for.

You went from a little 3 year old girl who was waiting for a little sister and expecting all these changes that we had read so many books about, to a 3 year old who probably felt afraid, very alone. Mommy and Daddy couldn't be there for you very much in those first few days - it was all we could do to cope ourselves. I know you were afraid - afraid of the way mommy and daddy were behaving. Afraid because everyone kept telling you that baby Jenna was going to die - afraid that maybe mommy wasn't going to come either - you asked Grandma Sheila about that alot.

You looked at mommy and daddy differently after that - we were no longer fearless - not longer invinceable in your eyes. I know all children reach a point when they realize that their parents do get afraid and do get sick - do die - but should you have had to learn all those things at such a young age?

I pray that you will be a stronger person because of Jenna - that you will turn to God and that you will have complete belief that someday you will be with her again. I know she's watching down on all of us and I know she has a special place in her heart for her big sister Maria.

Love,
Mommy


1-6-05

I decided to create this page on Jenna's website in order to hopefully explain to you, when you're older, how Jenna changed our lives forever.

When thinking about how to convey that to you I started reading back through your baby journal and discovered that the only real way to do that was to go back - back to before you were born. You see, Maria, the whole reason I added all of these entries was to show you how much you were loved even before you were born and how very much you are loved now. That is also how I feel about Jenna. It doesn't matter if she is living or not - she is still my daughter, still your baby sister. She will always be a part of our lives - she will always be talked about and will always be remembered. I thank God every day for you Maria, but if it had been the other way, and Jenna was the one with us, we would have felt the same way about you as we do about her.

As you grow up, I hope you never feel like we love Jenna more then you - or that we think she would have been perfect. We know that she would have been her own person - she would have had difficult days as you do - she would have tried our patience as you have - but still we would have loved her - just as we love you no matter what.

You see Maria, when you were born, I became very aware that the reason I was put on this earth was to be a mommy. To be yours and Jenna's mommy. I never would have thought I would love being a mom as much as I do and I never would have thought I would hear myself saying that I feel this is why I am here. You were meant to be a part of my life, just as Jenna was.

I cherish the days I have with you and I cherished the short 6 days we had with Jenna.

For the rest of my life, I will remember that sweet day when the four of us sat in Jenna's room at the hospital and sang songs. To have both of my girls with me - to be smiling, laughing, crying - to be a family together here on earth - it was the best day of my life.

Thank you Maria for all you give me - for all the love, the laughter, the challenges, the sunshine you bring to my life.

I love you forever,
Mommy


August 23, 2006

My darling Maria,

You turned 5 years old this past May and sometimes when I look at you I can't belieive that you are the same little girl that I used to hold like I now hold Emilia - how did you grow up so fast?

You start Kindergarten in just about 2 weeks and I am so excited for you...but am so emotional as well. It just scares me to think of you being in that big school all day without me - even though I know you'll have wonderful people watching out for you. Letting you go off and starting to find yourself is a very hard thing. Anyone that's ever been a mom can relate I'm sure.

I think you are going to love kindergarten. You love pre-school even though at first you weren't very sure about it. It's amazing how much you've grown over the last 2 years since starting preschool. I watch you interact with the other kids at such a different level now. You're so sure of yourself. I hope that you can continue to feel that way as you start kindergarten.

Know, that it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to worry. It's even okay to cry. But, please Maria, know that you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to. I want you to know how very proud I am to be your mommy, Maria. You are such a bright, caring, spirited little girl!

Your wonderful laugh and the sparkle in your eyes lights up my life. May you always know how truly special you are!

Love,
Mommy


Friday, September 14, 2007

You are now in your second week of 1st grade Maria and I just wanted to write to you to tell you how very proud I am of you. I can't belieive you are six and sometimes when I look at you it's hard to belieive that you are my little Maria who used to call herself "Rie-Rie". The little girl that used to giggle like crazy when Gracie would roll over or talk to you. The little girl that filled our lives with so much sunshine the moment you were born. Now you aren't so little any more. Suddenly you are six and so grown up. I am constantly amazed at how smart you are, how compassionate you are and what a wonderful person you have become. I am so proud to be your mommy. Thank you for blessing my life every day with your wonderful smile, quit wit, infectious laugh and dramatic personality. I love you, Maria!

Mommy


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