Emilia Rose
January 9, 2006
May 20, 2005
I took a home pregnancy test today that told me I was pregnant. I so couldn’t believe it that Maria and I went to Target, bought another test and took that one too, which also said that I’m pregnant. I called and told my mom, Grandma Helen, Missy and Zea which were all very excited for me. I feel such a mix of emotions little one. I hope someday I can explain it to you so that you will understand. I love you so much already but I’m so terrified of losing you!
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May 26, 2005
I went in to the doctor today to do a blood test which also said that I’m pregnant. I had a long talk with Katherine, my midwife, about all the feelings I’m having and she said it’s perfectly normal. Not only because my hormones are all over the place right now but also because of Jenna – like she said losing a baby creates emotions that you never thought existed and wished that they didn’t. She is going to try very hard to help me bond with you – to ease some of my fear. I so want to be excited and am one minute then all of a sudden I’m terrified not knowing if I can handle losing another child. Not knowing if I’m strong enough to do this…I just keep praying to God asking him for strength. Asking him to watch over you and thanking him for any amount of time I have with you – I keep trying to focus on that – the time I do have – not the time that could be taken away. I don’t want to have regrets if something were to happen – I want you to feel how loved and wanted you are before you’re even born.
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June 3, 2005
I went in today for an ultrasound. Normally they don’t do them this early but because of my fears and emotions, Katherine, my midwife, felt it would be a good idea to put my fears at ease and to get an estimated due date. I was so scared once I got to the office – so scared they were going to tell me that you were no longer with me…then the nurse was saying, “Congratulations! There’s the heartbeat” and I started crying. Crying out of relief, hope, fear and love. I can’t wait to meet you little baby Wright.
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June 30, 2005
I had a doctors appt today and your daddy came with to meet Katherine, our midwife and to hopefully hear the heartbeat. I was so looking forward to that - it helps make things so much more real. When Katherine put the doppler on my stomach I prayed and prayed that we would hear you - I knew it was early as I'm just 10.5 weeks but I was afraid if we didn't hear it that I would be a nervous wreck thinking something was wrong. Then suddenly, there you were - your little heart beating away.
I felt so reassured leaving the doctors office! I was thinking about you and if you're a boy or girl, what you'll look like, all those mother-to-be questions. Then all of a sudden, fear creeps back in - I kept thinking on the way home - maybe I'm just meant to have this baby...then I'd think - well I was meant to have Jenna too - she as perfect - it was just a freak accident so don't get your hopes up!
Sometimes I feel like one of those cartoons where theres the angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil on the other - no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep the scared thoughts out of my head.
I have been reading a lot about being pregnant after a loss and I know all these emotions are normal - I know that it's to be expected that I will have a hard time staying positive all the time - I know that other women that are in or have been in the same situation have all the same fears...yet I feel guilty because EVERYONE in my life harps on staying positive! It's so black and white to them. Like you just can't go there - you can't think anything will happen - it's not good for you or the baby. I'd love to hear that from someone who's been through this - someone who has even an ounce of understanding - it's not that simple.
Oh the mix of emotions - the rollercoaster is just unbelieiveable! I am so excited that I have a new little life growing inside of me yet so terrified because I know how painful it would be to loose you too!
Please stay with me Baby Wright - I love you so much already!!
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August 8, 2005
I went today for my 16 week appointment and brought your big sister Maria and Grandma Sheila with to hear your heartbeat. It's unreal that I'm already 16 weeks - summer is almost over and before I know it the holidays will be upon us and you're arrival will be right around the corner.
Maria and Grandma Sheila were thrilled to hear your heartbeat and you put on a little "show" for us. Everytime Katherine, my midwife, would find your heartbeat you'd flip over to the other side so she'd have to chase you back and forth. She said, "You're going to need roller blades for this one!"
She asked me how I'd been doing, emotionally and like I told her, I feel at peace right now. I'm hoping this will last - I hoping that once I can really start feeling your movements I won't turn into a basket case. I just feel like this is where I'm supposed to be and though I miss Jenna that I am here to be Maria's and your mommy and I'm okay with that. I'll have eternity with Jenna and the two of you once we are all in heaven and that brings me peace. I still miss your big sister Jenna but I so look forward to getting to know you.
I love you baby Wright!
Mommy
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A Different Child
A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
~Pandora Diane MacMillan~
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September 6, 2005
We had an ultrasound today and found out you're a girl!!
We had a level II ultrasound which is much more in depth then I had anticipated. Three different people looked at you and they really study things like blood flow of the heart, brain, cord plus do all the normal stuff.
Maria was so cute - she had the same look on her face she did when we had the ultrasound with Jenna...like if I could read her mind she would be thinking that we must all be crazy because we keep telling her that the blob she sees on the screen is the baby but all she sees, is well, a blob!
But then at one point whent he doctors recorded you kicking me and played in continuously she all of a sudden says, "Look Mommy!! The baby's kicking you over and over again!" Like she'd studied it enough to figure it out.
She was very excited, as of course were your daddy and I to find out you're a girl. She of course wanted you to be a girl and your daddy and I didn't care as long as we get to bring you home. But, it will be nice to have another little beauty running around the house.
I do fear it will be more emotional for me but I think either way I would have been that way...there will always be some sadness that comes along with our joys for the rest of our lives.
Maybe sadness isn't the right word - maybe it's just more of a feeling that someone's missing, and incompleteness...a longing. Jenna I know is watching over you as she is all of us and looking forward to seeing all of us together playing, dancing, having fun.
You are so fortunate little one to have two wonderful big sisters. One that will undoubtedly watch over you from heaven and one to take your hand here on earth, to teach you, love you.
We are so looking foward to meeting you sweet girl - may you feel the love that surrounds you already and know how much you're wanted.
Love,
Mommy
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January 9, 2006
I can't believe the day has arrived that I get to meet you!! For better or for worse my life will once again change. I'm so scared - scared of the of the heartbreak I felt with Jenna. Yet I have hope - hope you brought back to my life. Hope, that you will be healthy and come home. I love you so much already. I can't wait to hold you, hear you cry! I can't wait to welcome you to the world baby girl!!
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January 9, 2006
You are here!! It felt like hours as I waited in the OR to hear your first cry when really it was only minutes! The fear that consumed me was soon replaced with sheer joy when your cry filled the room. I'll never forget that wonderful moment in my life or the first time I saw your beautiful face. My angel of hope has arrived. May your life be as blessed as you have made mine. I love you Emilia!
Mommy
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January 17, 2006
You were a week old yesterday. How can that be? It goes so fast! You are such a good baby! You're a good eater, good sleeper, just very content. How did I get so lucky?
Having you here with us has brought me once again to a new level - a new place in my life. Hope has turned to contentment...life again feels complete. I wish Jenna was here with us, on earth to share in the joy the way Maria is but I feel her with us and know she's watching over all of us. Emilia, I love you and am so glad to be learning all about the wonderful little spirit you are!
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March 30, 2006
I can't believe you are almost 3 months old already Emilia. Where does the time go?
I go back to work on Tuesday next week and am so dreading leaving you. It was hard for me to leave Maria when she was a baby - it tore at my heart something fierce. Then when Jenna was born and I was faced with the day I had to physically leave her - never to see her again on this earth, that was the worst moment of my life. Now, having to leave you to go back to work it somehow makes it so much more difficult. I know I'll see you after work - logically I know that - but it's more of the symbolism of it I think. I guess having to leave Jenna and never having been able to see any of her firsts makes me want to be there for yours all that much more! It just makes me so sad that I'll miss some of those.
These last 12 weeks with you have brought me so much joy. So much peace. Your content, sweet, loving personality has been such a blessing to our family. You love to smile, coo, and observe. We are all anxiously awaiting your first laugh which seems to be be just around the corner...like you want to laugh so badly but just haven't quite figured out how to yet.
I love learning all about you and showing you the life in this world. I feel so blessed to be your mommy.
Love you!
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Augst 23, 2006
Where has this summer gone? I can't beleive you are already over 7 months old! You are full of rolls and giggles - just a happy little girl!
I found this onesie yesterday and so wanted to buy it for you. It said, "I make chubby thighs look good!" It's so true! You are just roly poly adorable!
Your personality has really started to shine through. You love Maria, your big sister, more then anything. She can make you laugh at any given moment. You also love music, the kitty and puppy and paper - anything paper that you can crinkle up!
I so enjoy having you here with us punkin. You add so much sweetness to our lives!
Love you!
Mommy
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February 3, 2007
Here it is almost a month since your first birthday and I'm just finally sitting down to write this. I can't believe you're one already!!!
The photo I placed at the top of the page is from your Christmas pictures and I just had to put it on the website because it's just such a "true" expression of who you are Emilia! You are just the biggest ham! You're so sweet, so funny and so interested in eveyrone else. Of course you have your days and of course you have to warm up to people just like big sister Maria but once you are comfortable you just love to make people react to you!
It seems unreal to me that it's already been a year that you've been with us and though it sounds cliche I really can't imagine life without you. You have added something to our family that none of us expected - a peace we never thought we would ever again have.
I remember watching you open your presents at your party and thinking how truly lucky I am to have such wonderful girls in my life. I am so amazed by you and love learning all about you. Your spirit is so commanding - so full of life.
I am so thankful for you Emilia. Happy 1st birthday!
Love,
Mommy
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September 14, 2007
My sweet Emilia, how you have grown! I can't belieive you are nearing your 2nd birthday. This has been such a wonderful summer with you. Watching you explore everythiing - camping for the first time, our Duluth trip, swimming, the sprinkler...so many firsts for you! I wish you could tell me what your favorite was - I would guess it was the sprinkler - you love walking right into it face first and getting sprayed all over! I love seeing your mind working, figuring things out and love when you tell us you can do it all on your own...so independent!!
You are such a ham! Anytime you can make someone laugh you seize the opportunity. You adore you big sister Maria and miss her terribly now that she is back in school! Your daddy and I were just talking the other night about how all of a sudden you are no longer a baby but a full fledged toddler with a definate mind of her own and a personality that just pulls people in! It's amazing to me how people gravitate to you. I have loved these past 20 months with you, getting to know you, watching you grow and explore.
I love you Emilia!
Mommy
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