Letters to Jenna
How very softly you tiptoed into my world
Almost silently
Only a moment you stayed
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
Upon my heart
-Dorothy Ferguson
January 23, 2005
It is a new year Jenna and with it has come a new sense of peace. Christmas was hard - yet peaceful. I have found many signs of your spirit still being a part of our lives and I thank you, Jenna for that. I felt your presence for the first time, so strongly on Christmas Day - the best Christmas gift I could have asked for since your death. Yet, still there are moments when it all seems too overwhelming - when the pain is still so raw. But, that is all they are - moments. No longer days or weeks.
It comes unexpectedly when it does come though. Like the other day I was at work calling a vendor regarding a work matter, having a good day at that. Then the receptionist that answered the phone said, "Good morning, this is Jenna, how may I help you?" And all of a sudden the wind was taken out of me again. I had a hard time keeping the conversation going and ended up being pretty short with her because all I cared about at that moment was getting off the phone with her. It of course had nothing to do with her, yet I was angry at her. Angry that she could reach that deep into my soul just because she had the same name as yours. I later thought about calling her back and apologizing but what would I have said? Sorry but you have the same name as my daughter that died and therefore I was angry at you?
As one of my best friends said, she probably didn't even notice that I was short with her and if she did, she had probably already forgotten it.
Then, things like today when we were sledding, the 3 of us as a family, suddenly - I thought of you and that you should be there and emotions flood over you before you can stop it.
I think about ways to protect myself from those kinds of emotions but have started to realize that if I do that I am only prolonging the grief - trying to go around it rather then through it.
I do feel so blessed that you were part of my life, if even only for 6 days. I do look forward to the day that I will meet you again, in heaven when I come your way. But I am now okay with the fact that I am still here because there are things I still need to do. To be Maria's mother. To learn. To love. Someday, hopefully after Maria is grown, I will come your way and I will wrap my arms around you as I have longed to do for all of these months. I will thank you again for all you have given me and for being my precious angel daughter.
Love,
Mommy
April 8, 2005
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary from the day that you died. It hit me so hard last night that today, would be one year from the time that we saw you alive for the last time and then I started really thinking about that day.
I was home then, released from the hospital the day before and we woke up late, because we were all exhausted, then went to the hospital and had lunch with one of our good friends who had flown in from California to be by our side. We then went up to the NICU to see you and were supposed to meet with the neurologist about the latest test results. When we got there, the doctor had already come and gone - we missed him again. Then we sat and held you, talked to you and cried. Brian, our friend talked to us about his girlfriend's brother who had been in a very bad accident and had sustained massive brain damage and everything that he had seen in his line of work, he is a firefighter and EMT. He didn't want for us or for you a life time of machines, medicines, hospitals and you not even being aware of any of it.
Your daddy and I had already told the nurses and doctors that we didn't want to do anything to prolong your life as we knew that there was nothing we could do for you - the damage had already been done. We also knew that your doctor didn't seem to listen to us when we said this time and time again. Your doctor came in to the room about that time and she told us they were going to start feeding you today through a tube. I remember it was all I could to do keep from running over to her and shaking her - didn't she get it!!! Didn't she listen???
We then sat down with one of the many wonderful nurses that took care of you and told her how we felt. We told her that we loved you too much to keep you on this earth, an earth that never gave you a chance - just for our sake...that we loved you too much to see you go through this. She told us she would be willing to go to the doctor and talk to her for us - then we would have to meet with her. About a half an hour later we sat in your room, holding you, crying, telling the doctor that we didn't want to do this any longer and that we felt she was not listening to us. We didn't want to feed you if that ment that we were prolonging your life here when it was obvious to us that you were not meant for this world.
We decided that we would meet with hospice the next day and start making plans for you to go to heaven on your own - without intervention.
We went home that night and cried - talked about you and slept - slept very hard...almost like we knew we needed the rest.
Then, like a lighting bolt, we woke to the phone ringing at 3:45 a.m. It was the NICU nurse saying that we should come, your heart rate was down in the 30s and it wouldn't be long now. We immediately got up and started getting dressed...I called your Uncle Tony and asked him to come be with Maria - something I wish we wouldn't have taken the time to do - I wish we would have picked Maria up out of bed and brought her with us - had him meet us there.
We arrived at the hospital at 4:15 a.m. - you had died at 4:06 a.m.
I regret that I wasn't the one there to hold you while you passed from this world into the next - I regret that I didn't spend the entrire day with you the day before you died - and I regret that I didn't have one more day to hold you, love you, sing to you, bathe you - be your mommy.
Somehow, Jenna you always took all of the decisions out of our hands - it was very obvious that your life was between you and God and had nothing to do with what your daddy and I wanted or decided for you.
I sit here tonight - wondering - wondering if 4:00 a.m. will come and go tomorrow morning as I sleep peacefully - dreaming of you I hope - or will I be awake like I was a year ago?
The impact your life had on so many people is and always will be amazing to me Jenna. May your life in heaven be more beautiful then I can imagine - may you be singing with the angels, laughing with Jesus, looking down on us from time to time and feeling the love we send to you each minute of every day.
I love you so much!
Mommy
May 8, 2005
Today is Mothers Day, my 2nd Mothers Day without you. It is so different then last years Mothers Day - the pain last year was still so raw. It was exactly one month from the day you died...I remember how difficult it was to get through the day - still at the point of just needing to be able to keep breathing.
This year, I was much more at peace. Though I will forever miss you, Jenna, I now have much more peace knowing that you are in a far better place and knowing that I will go on...that I can go on. I feel your presence, so often, I smile when I remember you and as stated in Philipians 1:3
"I thank my God every time I remember you."
Love,
Mommy
August 8, 2005
I have been thinking about you a lot lately Jenna - more then I normally do. Thinking about so many different things - the signs you keep giving us - the peace I feel about you and this new baby on the way - how much I miss you and yet how I'm okay now. I'm okay knowing that I'll have eternity with you - okay knowing that you're alright and still with us every day. I still miss you terribly but I am not angry any longer. I'm not feeling that raw pain I felt for so long. Maybe this new baby on the way has helped - helped me to see that though losing you was such a tradgedy in my life and it forever changed me - there is a time that comes when you move to a different level. It doesn't make me miss you less it just makes me see it differently.
Your daddy and I were talking at the dinner table the other night and I said to him, "I keep forgetting to tell you this. But a few Saturdays ago I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. I decided to get up and get some work done. I let Gracie outside and came back in the house. As I walked into the kitchen..." and he said, "Let me guess, you saw a little girl run past you." I said, "No! When have you seen that?" He went on to tell me that there are many mornings while he's getting ready for work that out of the corner of his eye he'll see a little flash out of the corner of his eye of a little girl running to or from your bedroom. I said, "That's not what happened to me but how cool is that?" I then told him what happened to me. When I came in the door I heard "Mommy! Mommy!" and I automatically assumed Maria was awake. I went to get Maria and she was sound asleep. At first I didn't think much of it then as I was working downstairs, I started thinking about it and it wasn't like when you think you hear something - it was like you were in the room with me - right next to me - it was so clear...so loud.
After telling eachother our stories we kept talking about you and how losing you was something we'd never want to live through again - yet the pain we felt losing you is nothing compared to the love we have for you in our hearts and the bond you've created in our family. The blessings you left us and continue to give us are so amazing to me. I am so thankful everyday for my children, Maria, baby Wright and for you Jenna. I feel so blessed to be the mother of 3 little "angels."
I love you!
Mommy
September 21, 2005
Though I still think of you daily, it's been a long time since I've written anything to you - on the website or in my journal. I definately have just been feeling more peaceful...this week though I have really been thinking about you. It's weird how these waves come out of no where - how one day it's like any other where I'm missing you and talking to you but am feeling okay. Then the next day suddenly I'm feeling guilt or anger or just re-analyzing everything all over again.
There's a new song out by Kenny Chesney that just makes me ball everytime I hear it. I put the lyrics on the songs page and when I'm really missing you will listen to it just to let it all out. Unfortunately I tend to think of you a lot while I'm at work and then have to disguise my sobbing so my co-workers don't over hear me.
I was thinking the other night about the night you were born and how I so wasn't prepared to hear the words that you weren't going to make it...I mean are you every really "prepared" for something like that? Probably not. And even if it happened again - would I ever really be able to "deal" with it any better? No - of course not.
Overtime grief changes - overtime the pain lessons in intensity - yet overtime I never miss you any less.
Always - you're in my heart.
Love you baby.
Mommy
November 26, 2005
Jenna,
I was looking back through your website today and see how I've been writing to you less and less. I guess sometimes I feel like there's nothing to say that I haven't already said. We just went through our 2nd Thanksgiving without you and I was talking with Missy, my oldest and dearest friend, about how different this year is. I think because I was so concentrated on so many other things, especially the birth of Emilia fast approaching that I didn't really mentally prepare myself. Not, that I thought that I wouldn't be emotional but more that I just didn't really give it any forethought. Last year I spent so much time dreading the holidays and so much time anticipating them but this year I didn't do that. All of a sudden it was here and again I was reminded of this hole that will forever be in my heart. I am in such a different place then I was last year - the pain isn't as raw - the grief isn't all consuming any longer - yet I don't think there will be a holiday for the rest of my life that will go by completely free of a longing for you.
I found myself Thankful again for my three beautiful girls - you, Maria and Emilia on the way and I guess that emotion was the most present throughout the day - but there were many times that I found myself thinking what you'd be doing - how our lives would be so different this year if you were still with us on earth.
You would be over 18 months old - running all over the place I'm sure. We would be shopping for you and Maria and I imagined what we would be picking out for you. So many times when I'm going through the stores I find an adorable little outfit that I would love to see you in - so many times I think how your life would have gone.
Then I think about Emilia and how her life is just beginning - hopefully the beginning of a very long life - and how she wouldn't be entering this world in a few short weeks had you lived. That's such a weird thought to me - it brings emotions that I'm not quite sure how to explain - how to deal with. Your daddy and I have been working on yours/Emilia's room to make it more hers and that too has brought up so much emotion. I had to take the few things we had still sitting in your crib out and put them away the other day which made me feel like I was "packing" you away - or putting you out of sight. That was very difficult. Then I look around at the room and see that it will always be your room but it's now Emilia's room too and somehow that's okay. Somehow I'm able to find peace in that - even though I can't explain it very well.
I started volunteering at the hospital you were born at on an advisory committee that is working to make the NICU better for the families whose babies are there. I can't tell you how much it has helped me - to know that I am doing something in your honor. To know that once a month I get to go and do something in your memory and hopefully make a difference, no matter how small, in the lives of another family who is faced with difficult decisions and unspeakable situations. In a way, it's my time with you.
I miss you Jenna - so terribly - I always will.
Love,
Mommy
January 26, 2006
Jenna,
The birth of your little sister has come and gone and this is the first time I've sat down to write to you. My emotions were so raw leading up to and just after Emilia's birth it was hard to put into words what I was feeling.
The birth of Emilia was so bittersweet for me. I am so happy to have her here. So thankful that everything went so well. Yet it also brought so many feelings of you back. I was faced again with what I missed out on with you. I realized all over again how being a mommy is my most favorite thing in the world and that holding Emilia brought contentment to my heart beyond explanation.
Now, two weeks after Emilia was born, I look at her sometimes when she's sleeping and see you. She looks so much like you and Maria and yet, of course, a person all her own. It can be such a sweet blessing to have a "glimpse" of you and yet such a sorrowful feeling as well. When she's looking at me I wonder again what your eyes looked like. When she cries, I wonder if she sounds at all like you. Then suddenly I feel like you bring me this comfort - telling me that it's okay. That you understand. You know we haven't replaced you. You know we still love and miss you. You're happy that we're all happy that Emilia is here.
One of the hardest things I dealt with in those first few days was of course the reaction of other people. That of course has been a struggle since you died. People don't talk about things that make them uncomfortable. They don't talk about babies that have died. I understand that now and am not angry about it any longer. Still, sometimes it cuts like a knife when people call Emilia my 2nd daughter, when they exclude you. I have found that it makes me feel better when people ask how many other children I have to include you. I know that makes people very uncomfortable but it's what I need to do.
Maria and I have spoken about you a lot since Emilia's birth. It seems to make her realize what she missed out on. She seems to miss you more now then ever before. I keep telling her that her life would be so different if she had you and Emilia here - you would be almost 2 and would be into everything. Then plus, she'd have a new baby crying and needing my attention. She loves being a big sister to Emilia and has said many times that she wishes she was your big sister too. I try to explain to her that she is still your big sister but she doesn't totally get that yet.
The day Emilia was born, I remember laying in the OR waiting and waiting to hear Emilia's cry and this wave of emotion came over me. I suddenly was terrified all over again that they were going to tell me that she too was not going to make it. Then suddenly, my heart felt you with me. My fear turned to hope and suddenly Emilia's cry filled the room. I belieive you were there with us Jenna. I believe you knew I needed to feel you with us. Thank you for helping me through that moment and for giving my heart some peace.
Your spirit continues to live on in our lives. You will always be Maria's little sister and now Emilia's big sister. The void you left when you died will remain but the strength of your spirit will forever inspire and amaze me.
I love you Jenna.
Mommy
June 20, 2006
As I was sharing your story with a new co-worker yesterday she told me that if she ever says anything that steps beyond my boundaries to just tell her. I told her, oh no, I'm fine now most days and as I heard myself saying it I became very sad. It's true that I am fine most days but I still have very bad days and I still think of you constantly. I don't know if I have convinced myself that I can't say that it's still hard because people want and expect me to have moved on or if it's just easier to say that. I often get strange looks when I do talk about you, even from people very close in my life...as though they think so much time has gone by and I now have Emilia that something should have changed. I would love to explain to them all the ways I have changed and all the ways my grief has changed but it does still exist. I belieive it always will.
Sometimes when I look at your picture on my wall at work, I think to myself, God, she died! I mean my daughter died!! It's not like I don't know that and it's not like I'm not aware of your absense but sometimes it's still very hard for me to accept or me to truly acknowledge that you are dead. That must sound so strange but it's how I feel sometimes.
I speak your name every day, at least once, when we are saying our good night prayers with your sisters and sometimes more but the days when I do speak of you are the days I feel the best. I still need to talk about you sometimes. I still need to cry about you sometimes. It may not make sense to others, it may seem as though I'm holding on or that I'm not letting you go but the way I see it is it's not about letting you go - I had to do that over two years ago. It's about always remembering the impact you made in my life. It's about always acknowledging that yes, I did have 3 children, not just 2. What kind of mother would I be if I could just push you away in my memory?
I love you and miss you angel.
Mommy
November 5, 2006
As I was getting ready for bed last night Jenna, I looked at your picture and just started sobbing. I cried for a good 15 minutes. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. My beautiful second daughter who came into this world for such a short time made such an impact in the lives of those around her. I just so wanted to hold you...to feel your soft skin.
Your sisters were already in bed and your daddy was downstairs working out and I just had that time to sit and think of you. Those quiet moments sometimes are the most difficult for me. I don't have many of them and maybe that's why you come to mind whenever I do. I often feel as though I don't think of you enough any more - like life has just gotten in the way and that makes me so sad. Sad because I don't want life to ever get in the way of my remembering you or having the time to think of you.
We were at the cemetary a few days ago and there were all these pumpkins there and Maria asked me why we didn't bring you a pumpkin for Halloween. All I could tell her is, "I don't know." Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in the day to day things that I don't even have time to think of the things I would like to do - as simple as bring you a pumpkin. Then today at church, our Priest was talking about priorities and making sure that we keep the big stuff in mind and not let all the little insignificant things take over. I hate when I feel just like that - like all the silly little things have taken over and I don't have time to concentrate on what really matters most. I continually try to stay focused on not letting that happen but often fail.
When I look at your sweet face and remember how broken my heart is from losing you it's then that I look at your sisters and remember to cherish every minute of every day with them. It's not always easy. Especially when Maria is having a whiny day or Emilia is screeching everytime I turn around because she's just simply out of sorts. But I still try. I pray often asking God to guide me and know he does. I just wish sometimes that I could put away all the unnecessary tasks - that I could stop wasting those precious moments and start spending them on the true joys of my heart - my girls, my husband, my family and friends.
I try to live so that when I get to the end of my days, hopefully many decades from now, I don't look back and regret that I concentrated on all those unimportant aspects of life but instead spent my life cherishing those that I love.
You gave me this gift Jenna. I only pray that I have the strength to use it through out my life.
As always, I love and miss you Jenna.
Mommy
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