Letters to Jenna Marshal
4/5/04
I wanted to be the one to show you your first sunrise and sunset - I will have to let God and his angels give you alot of those firsts. But please, Jenna, know how very much you are loved. Your daddy and I don't want to let you go but know that may be the only decision that's good for you.
So, rather than make you stay in a world that didn't give you a chance - we'll let you go to God knowing that he will love you, protect you and keep you from pain and hold you until the day comes that we can hold you again.
Love,
Mommy
4/6/04
My angel, Jenna, you so don't deserve what this life has given you and that makes mommy so very sad and so very angry. Although I won't get the chance to watch you grow into the beautiful person that I know you are, I can see into your heart and feel that in some way I know...maybe not in the way I'm used to with your big sister Maria, but my heart knows that from the first moment I knew you were alive, I knew. I knew how special, truly special you are. I know what a strong, loving person you are. I can feel your strength surround me everytime I'm near you and because of your strength I have somehow been able to be strong enough to keep breathing.
I pray with everything that I am that you have not and will not feel any pain. I also pray that God will lead me to do what is right for you.
I don't ask him to give me what I want, which would be to be able to have you come home with us and to be healthy. I know that this is not about what I want. This is ONLY about what is best for you, Jenna.
I wish that what was best for you would be to stay with me, your daddy and Maria but it seems that this life is not what you need.
I have been praying and asking and searching for that answer, because if this is all I can ever do for you, then I need to know that I've done what is right by you.
Love,
Mommy
4/26/04
This is the first time I've been able to write since losing you Jenna. I guess I feel like if I write down my feelings then they become even more of a reality and I don't think I can handle anything more real than losing you.
Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever been through. The most terrible pain I can imagine. I know that someday I will be with you again but that doesn't make it any easier. It does not make it hurt any less.
I love and miss you so much that my heart aches - every minute of every day I think about you. I wish so desperately that things were different - that you had come home with us.
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The day we received the call to come to the hospital I felt a sense of relief. Relief, for you - knowing you would no longer have to fight and that you were finally at peace. But, I also felt the most heartbreaking sorrow that I have ever or will ever feel. To lose you Jenna was the worst thing I can ever imagine. A parent should never have to bury their own child - it's just not right!
The six days we had with you were so precious - I am so grateful for them. I am so happy that I got to hold you, talk to you, sing to you, bathe you, change your diaper - all the mommy things that I want to be able to do for you over and over and over again. I want so desperately to hear you say "Mommy" some day - to see the same look in your eyes that I see in your big sister's when she's making me laugh - to hold you when you cry - just to tell you over and over that I love you with all of my heart!
Love,
Mommy
5/8/04
Tomorrow is one month since the day you died and Mother's Day. I know that it is going to be a hard day, but I also know that I need to celebrate it. I need to celebrate being Maria's mommy and your mommy Jenna. Even though I don't have you here on earth to be your mom on a day to day basis - I am still your mommy.
Though I know that you are in God's hands and I have no need to worry, I still worry about you because I'm your Mommy. I worry that you know how much you are loved. I worry whether or not you ever feel alone. I worry whether or not you know how much I miss you. I worry that you will know me when I come your way some day.
Love,
Mommy
I have experienced so many emotions since you died. Emotions that I never thought I'd have to feel. Emotions that I never thought I would be able to handle if I was ever faced with them...but somehow I've gotten through so far. I have so many people to thank for that - your sister and your daddy are my constant sources of strength. As I have said so many times before that I don't think I would still be breathing if it weren't for Maria.
Some days are stronger days than others but still I know that I will never be the same. I will never stop missing you. I'll never stop loving you and I'll never get over losing you.
Love,
Mommy
5/9/04
Today is Mother's Day and with the exception of your wake and funeral, this has been the toughest day since losing you. I knew it would be hard but I never imagined it would be so terribly hurtful. I wanted to be able to have a day when I could celebrate being a mother to you and Maria, but I couldn't even do that.
I feel so torn sometimes. I want to be a good mother to Maria by being strong for her - yet I don't feel strong. I want to make her laugh and smile but I don't feel like laughing or smiling myself.
Oh, Jenna, I ask for your strength. I often ask myself how? How am I going to spend the rest of my life without you? Then I think of Maria and I know how much I love being her Mommy and how I want to be here for her. I just don't know if I am a strong enough person to do this.
I often want to ask God to take my pain away but I know in my heart that it will be with me for the rest of my life. I trust that God has you in his loving embrace and that he is watching over you for me, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that it was all different.
I love and miss you so much Jenna.
Love,
Mommy
6/3/04
Today you would have been 2 months old. It has been a very hard day for me. I am missing you so much. I think of all the things you would be doing at this age. I see other babies around your age and my arms ache to hold you.
And yet Jenna, I have had good days. I truly believe that you have given me your strength to get through this somehow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that no matter where I am, you are with me in my thoughts and in my heart.
Love,
Mommy
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I hear Maria ask questions about you and my heart breaks knowing that she will never again be able to tickle you, sing to you, hold you.
She misses you too Jenna. She talks about "pretend Jenna" all the time. That's the Jenna that we get to play with since you aren't hear to play with.
It hurts me to know that she won't remember the time she had with you but I know how much you do and always will mean to her.
I am constantly amazed by how much she understands - how often she thinks of you and how much she still acts like your big sister. She asked me the other night while we were visiting with some adorable little puppies, whether or not you have puppies to play with in heaven.
Know that even though you are not here on earth for her to be with, you are always in her heart.
Love,
Big sister Maria and Mommy
TO MY BIG SISTER, MARIA
I will forever be your sister,
Though you are not able to see me
I will forever be your sister,
Though you are not able to hold me.
I will forever be your sister,
Guiding you from way up high
I will forever be your sister,
A guardian angel by your side.
I will forever be your sister
Even though we now must be apart
I will forever be your sister,
Know that I am always in your heart.
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IN MY HEART I KNOW
I see you, sitting in my room, pretending to feed your dolly. I see you pushing her in the swing and putting her down for a nap.
In my heart I know, it’s me you’re playing with.
I see you in your room dancing around and giggling then suddenly you become very quiet.
In my heart I know it’s me you’re thinking of.
I listen to you say your prayers at night – you never forget to tell me that you love me.
I hear your heart call my name. You wonder
why I didn’t come home for you to tickle,
teach, love.
In my heart I know the kind of big sister you wanted to be…the kind of big sister you are to me in your thoughts and dreams.
With love, from your baby sister, Jenna
6/16/04
Today has been a particularly hard one, Jenna. Every song I hear, I can some how relate it to how I feel about you. Every thought I have seems to be about losing you - I just am so down. These days seem to come less and less but for some reason because they come less they seem to be worse when they do come.
When Maria found out I had a docotr's appointment today, she asked if I was going there to get another baby. Bless her heart! I wish it was that easy and I wish I could explain it to her so she could understand it.
I drove past the cemetary today without even looking which made my very sad. I made myself turn around and go back so I could wave "Hi!" to you. I just sometimes feel like since there is nothing that I can do for you, I should at the very least spend every waking minute thinking of you and I'm so sorry to say punkin that if I did that I wouldn't be able to keep breathing - it would just make me too sad.
So, sometimes, like today when I was driving by the cemetary with some random thought in my head, I wasn't thinking of you - but then when I realized I wasn't - it made my heart break.
It's just such a constant circle of pain!
I love you so much Jenna.
Mommy
June 21, 2004
My angel Jenna,
I received for Father's Day from you and your big sister Maria, a book called "Why a Daughter Needs a Dad" by Gregory E. Lang and while reading through it started thinking that so many of these sayings were exactly how I feel about being a Dad. The one's I've picked out below tell you the kind of Daddy I wanted to be for you.
From: Why A Daughter Needs a Dad, by Gregory E. Lang
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"A daughter needs a dad to show her how it feels to be loved unselfishly."
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"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men."
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"A daughter needs a dad to protect her when she is not wise enough to protect herself."
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"A daughter needs a dad who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else's world, she is the center of his."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad to teach her that a man's strength is not the force of his hand or his voice, but the kindness of his heart."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad so that when no one else is there for her she can close her eyes and see him."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad to carry her just because she wants to be carried."
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"A daughter needs a dad to share with her the wisdom she has not yet acquired."
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"A daughter needs a dad who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her."
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"A daughter needs a dad to show her that true love is unconditional."
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"A daughter needs a dad because without him she will have les in her life than she deserves."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad...
to tell her that all is not hopeless, even when she feels it is.
to join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone.
to teach her the meaning of integrity and how to avoid the crooked path.
to make the tough decisions for her until she is able to make them for herself."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad...
to teach her to recognize truth and reward it.
to teach her to recognize sincerity and encourage it.
to teach her about fairness.
to teach her to stand up for herself."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad...
to calm her when she is stressed by her challenges.
to give her a strong, willful character.
to teach her how things work.
to fix her favorite things."
____________________
"A daughter needs a dad...
to tell her all she needs to know about boys.
to show her that all boys are not like the one who hurt her.
to teach her how to recognize a gentleman.
to stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father."
____________________
Love,
Daddy
June 25, 2004
Today has been another hard one Jenna. I again feel like I'm on this never ending circle of pain. I find myself losing my patience with Maria so easily - it hurts my heart when I think that I'm taking my grief out on her - I don't want this to end up changing or destroying the strong relationship she and I always had.
I want so badly to be the kind of mommy to her that I was before you passed away - but I find it harder and harder to be that mommy. It is so hard for me to be patient most days - I find myself snapping at her for the littlest things and though I tell myself that I want to really try to make and effort not to - I still do. Why should she have to pay the price for my pain and anger?
She is such an innocent little girl and yet I can't seem to find the strength to be a good mom to her anymore. I can't remember the last time I made her laugh - Oh, Jenna, please give me your strength to get through this. I need your strength to find a way to cope well enough to be a good mother to Maria again. I need to find a way to be patient and loving not quick to snap at her. She too is going through so much - I need to try to remind myself of that.
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I miss you so much Jenna. It's so hard sometimes - I feel like this whole thing was a dream and it never happened then I remember your sweet face and know that it did...already people have stopped talking about you - I know it must be easier for them to not talk about it but I live it every moment and sometimes need to talk about it.
I want to scream at people that act like nothing happened when in reality my whole world crashed in around me!
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Your marker is laid at the cemetary now. It is so beautiful - just like you are Jenna. It makes it harder and easier to go to the cemetary...harder because I know there is nothing else that I can ever do for you and harder because it makes it SO real. When I first saw it - saw your beautiful name on that stone - it was all I could do to keep standing. Yet, it also makes it easier because now there is something physical there that I can touch and see...
I was thinking the other day when I was at the cemetary that it is such an unnatural thing to be sitting at the grave of your child. I know that God knows this pain all too well and yet I want to ask him why then does any other parent ever have to go through the horrible pain of losing their baby?
I love and miss you Jenna.
Mommy
July 1, 2004
My dad once told me after your big sister Maria was born to always remember that my children are only on "loan" to me and that before I know it they will be off on their own - leading their own lives. With you Jenna, I didn't even get that chance. The time I was blessed to have you in my life was so short - I didn't get to do so many of th things for you that I wanted to be able to do. Now, that there's nothing left that I can do for you, my heart aches - it is such a lonely feeling.
Just when I feel a little bit stronger, I feel like something pulls be back in and tells me to remember that I'm never going to get past this. Many people have told me that the pain never goes away but that you find a place for it and find a way to live with the new "normal." I just can't seem to so that light yet - maybe my grief is still too raw.
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Everyone tells me how strong I am - sometimes I wonder if it's strength or numbness...maybe it's a little of both. I think you have given me your strength Jenna to get through to this point. I ask you to please walk with me through the rest of this journey - I need you Jenna. I need your help to carry me through this life without you.
Oh Jenna, I just wish I could change it. That I could have done something - I should have been able to protect you! That's my job as your mom!! Why didn't I know? I am so sorry Jenna. I am sorry if there is anything I did or didn't do. I am sorry if I could have done or could have known. I'm just so sorry that this happened to you. I love you Jenna. I pray that you knew that and that you now know how much I love you. I would do ANYTHING to make this right by you. I wanted so badly to be your mommy, Jenna. I can only pray that you felt my love for you when you were inside of me.
Love,
Mommy
7-16-04
I look at your big sister, Maria and see the love of my life. She brings me such happiness, such joy, such laughter and fills my heart with contentment. I see her growing up every day and it is sometimes hard for me to remember when she was a baby - it seems so long ago. I think of all that I have learned from being her mommy and all the wonderful memories I have and then I smile.
Then, I think of you sweet Jenna and suddenly questions, doubt and sadness fill my heart. I don't want to feel like this! I don't want to be sad everytime I think of you. I want to be able to smile when I remember your beautiful face!
How do I get past this sadness so I can concentrate on teh love I feel, on the happiness you brought to us...though it was only 6 days and though those days were filled with fear and sadness because we knew we were going to lose you - you still brought us happiness and so much love.
I hope I can find it in me to be able to get to that point - when I can think of you and smile more than I think of you and cry. That I can concentrate on my love for you rather then concentrating on losing you.
I pray every day to God that he will give me the strength to get to that place - to somehow have some sort of peace with this knowing that someday I will see you again and knowing that I can remember the good and not concentrate on the bad.
I love you Jenna.
Mommy
July 24, 2004
It's simple things that seem to be the hardest. Like tonight, e went to see the aquatennial fireworks and as I sat there with Maria on my lap saying to her, look at how pretty...suddenly it hits me. You should be here Jenna. You would be almost 4 months old now and would be smiling - cooing - you probably would have slept through the fireworks the way Maria did that first year...or maybe not. Maybe you would have been wide awake. I only wish I knew.
Even though you are always and will always be a part of our family, Jenna, you should have been a part of all the daily experiences. You are because you are in our thoughts and hearts but you should be here!!
As I sat there with Maria in my lap, my arms around her, I couldn't believe how fully my arms felt and yet how completely empty they felt all in the same moment! Just as my life fees - so full - yet so incredibly empty without you.
Love,
Mommy
August 13, 2004
It is 4 months today since we buried you Jenna. I can't believe that it's already been 4 months and yet I can't believe it's only been 4 months since I held you in my arms...it feels like it's been an eternity!
As we get closer the the 6 month mark and we can start trying for another baby I find myself torn between so many emotions. I feel like I want another baby so badly - I feel as though our family is not yet complete and truly want another child to be running around here with Maria, being able to love and hold them...yet I fear so many things. I fear losing this baby too. I fear the pregnancy and being able to manage my fear so I don't cause harm to the baby or myself with too much stress. I fear doing anything that will make me as happy as a new baby would because some days I just don't feel like being happy. I don't feel like celebrating - I don't feel like "moving on" - yet I know that this grief will always be with me, the pain will always be with me and the loneliness will always be with me - with or without a new baby. I know another baby will not replace you, nor would I want it to. You are my 2nd daughter, my angel. You are engrained in my soul and will forever be part of our family. I don't fear forgetting you but I do fear that a new baby will take so much time away from the time I have to think about you now.
I don't ever want to go a day and then realize I didn't think about you...I guess I fear that.
I also fear how Maria will react - will she be afraid when we tell her, when I have to go to the doctor for an appt, when I go in for delivery? Will she be afraid when she first sees the new baby that she won't be able to "keep" this one either? She's so bright and so loving and longs to be a big sister - I just don't want to see that fear in her eyes ever again - it broke my heart almost as much as losing you, Jenna.
I pray to God every day that he will guide me and help me find the strength to get through another pregnancy and that he will bless us with a healthy baby - I know I just have to put it in God's hands.
As one of my good friends told me that part of you will be with this new baby as well. Though that may make it harder it will also bring us some peace in knowing that you will have known this baby before us - you will be with this baby during my pregnancy and during my delivery and if something were to happen again - you would be there to love and hold this baby until we could be there to hold you both.
Still, every day I wish so desperately that it could have all been so different - and though I know I'll never get over this but I will have to find a way to live with this new "normal" - this life without you.
Jenna, I love and miss you.
Your mommy
August 16, 2004
Jenna Mar'shal,
I look out your butterfly garden and I wish you could be here so I could share it with you. I know there will be many things that I'll never get to share with you - but having a little space to look out at and think of you helps...a little. You will always be here in my heart and in my life, Jenna.
The passing of time has not healed the hurt - the loss - it never will. All of us, your family, miss you more than words can say.
Watch over us from heaven little one.
I love you.
Grandma Sheila
8/29/04
It is amazing to me every time I go onto a grief website I see how many other babies die from the exact same thing as you did Jenna, yet they say it only happens in 1% of all pregnancies...how can that be? I don't know if I am getting to my angry stage but I feel like calling up one of these specialists that conduct these "studies" and find out how they get their data! How is it possible that on any given website I can find 5-10 mothers who have recently lost their child due to true knots in the umbilical cord and yet I keep being told that it's just a very rare, fluke thing!!!
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This week has been so hard for me Jenna. I'm not really even sure how I'm feeling - I just know that I've been missing you so much I physically feel ill. This hole in my heart, that I know will never heal, just seems to be growing bigger and bigger. I was at my work company picnic this weekend and there were two adorable little girls there that would have been right about 4-6 weeks older then you and I so badly wanted to ask to hold either of them but was so afraid I would start sobbing uncontrollably.
Though I don't feel like that when I see someone with a baby - I actually feel very happy for women I see with little babies - I just don't know if I could handle holding one yet or not.
We want to start trying for another baby this fall sometime and I am terrified and excited all in the same moment when thinking of it. I want so badly to have another baby - though I know it will never repair this hole in my heart that I have for you and though I know that this baby will never replace you...but I do want another baby.
I am still so terrified though - I know that the chances of this happening again or virtually impossible - but I do know how many other things can happen - I can't tell you how many time's I've seen the statistics that one in four pregnancies end in death -- 1 in 4!!!!
I just don't know if I could handle something going wrong again.
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Maria has been talking about you so much lately...she has had a couple of breakdowns - which hasn't happended now for some time but she's missing you too Jenna. I know that you are in our hearts and I know that you are always with us - I just don't know how to convince a 3 year old of that!!
She so wants to be a big sister for you - when we go to the cemetary she always picks out rocks (one of her favorite things) and puts them on your stone. She also always kisses your grave and talks to you - I hate that that's all she can do for you! She talks about our time with you in the hospital and how she loved singing to you and holding you - it's amazing to me how at 3 she remembers every detail of those 6 days so well.
I wish with all of my heart Jenna that things could have been different - I wish we had you hear with us.
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It's sometimes so hard to realize how life just goes on - when something like this happens to you, it's easy to think that life will somehow be different because of this - yet few things seem to change. I am grateful that I have reconnected with some of my dearest friends whose friendships were basically on the backburner before this - they have been an amazing source of strength for me...yet so many other things don't change. We still don't hear from or talk to the people that matter most in our lives very often and relationships that we should be concentrating on seem to just be hanging out there like they always have. How is it that people, even relationships with your parents, your siblings, your best friends can not change with something like this...yet that's exactly what seems to happen. Why is it so hard for people, including me, to just pick up the phone and check in with eachother? Why is it that someone that could really use the shoulder of a loved one not be able to reach out to them or not be contacted by those people even in the worst possible situations?
I know that it's hard for people - to talk about things like this yet I don't think that people understand that by not talking about you - it makes us feel like you didn't exist or that they've forgotten about you. I was telling a friend the other day who had asked what she could do for me that just asking me how I am or just saying she thought of Jenna means more to me then ANYTHING else she could do.
I have a friend at work that told me the story of her aunt that lost a baby years ago and that all the years she was growing up, her and her cousins always thought of her as the "crazy" aunt because she spoke of this baby, expected others to include this baby in the family even after the baby was gone. I told her that would be me - it would be years later, on my death bed and I'd still be talking about you Jenna - and though some may say it's crazy I don't think people can understand it unless they have been through it. You lived Jenna, even if it was for 6 short days - you lived! It doesn't matter how long one's lifetime is - what matters is the impact that time makes on the people around them. The 6 days you were here has changed my life forever Jenna. You have taught me so much about myself - so much about who I want to be and so much about what love really is. I never realized that it was possible to feel more love for someone in 6 days then I may have in 60 years! Now, that's not to say that if you had lived I wouldn't have loved you as much - it's just saying that because I knew from the minute I woke up from surgery, that you weren't going to make it and so I had to show you a lifetime of love in such a short time. I had to be sure to try and make you know how much you were - how much you are loved!
September 3, 2004
It has been 5 months today since the day you were born and when I try to think back in my mind to that day it's hard to remember very much. I remember going into the hospital knowing something was wrong and I remember being afraid the entire day while they were inducing labor...then when they lost your hearbeat and I was rushed in for an emergency c-section I don't remember much after that. I remember waking up asking Dan, like I didn't know it as him, "Is Dan with Jenna? Is Dan with Jenna?" I also remember telling me that "It's me honey, I'm right here." I just couldn't think straight after being knocked out for the surgery.
I then remember a doctor coming in telling me that my little girl was not doing well and that she probably wouldn't survive. How could that be? I remember asking myself over and over again whether or not this was a dream. I also remember going down to the NICU and seeing you for the first time. Laying there with all these machines hooked up to you and a breathing tube in your mouth...but I remember thinking how absolutely beautiful you were. I don't remember who was there - I know my parents and in-laws and my brother were there at some point but I can't remember if they were in there with us or not...I remember my delivery nurse coming over putting her arms around me and sobbing with me for what seemed like an hour - she was wonderful.
I also remember not sleeping at all that night - just laying there in the hospital thinking, crying, and talking with your daddy who also didn't get any sleep.
Now, 5 months later I still have the same questions, the same feelings I did then. I ask myself why I didn't fight the doctor to deliver you as soon as we got to the hospital that morning - but then my heart tells me, as it has ever since you were born that it would have been too late. As your daddy and I have said so many times, that if you would have moved at all that day, then maybe we would blame the doctor but since there was not movement at all, the entire day, that we feel the damage was already done. Done before we even got to the doctor and that the damage that you suffered had already been done.
Then I start thinking about my regrets - though I try to find a way to get beyond them I know I will never get past them...I just want to be able to have some sort of peace and so maybe writing them will help me in some small way.
I regret not taking any video of you and though I still understand how I felt then - I do wish I had video of you to watch. I just felt that every single moment I had with you here on this earth I wanted to see with my own eyes and not through the lens of a camera.
I also regret not opening your eyes. I thought about it once in the hospital but thought it would be too hard to see the lifeless stare that was sure to be there. Leaving your eyes closed helped me at the time feel like you had some comprehension that we were there with you...yet I wish I could see your eyes now.
I regret not finding the strength to hold you the day of your funeral. I wanted to remember the soft, warm little body I'd held for 6 days - not a cold, lifeless one.
I regret not taking photos of you in your beautiful white gown in your caskey - but I don't think I was thinking very clearly that day and it didn't even dawn on me until it was much too late.
Mostly, I regret that I didn't know that something was wrong. I am your mom, why didn't I know you needed me? Why couldn't I ahve saved you?!!
Now, 5 months later I feel no releif - I do have good days and those good days out number the bad but there is no relief from the pain, from the ache in my heart, from the aching of my empty arms - no releif from the sadness and loss. I don't beleive there ever will be.
I fear the day that someone asks, or even insinuates that they think I should be over this...it will be all I can do to prevent myself from raging - from wanting to scream at them - I'll NEVER be OVER you!!!
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I find myself grasping for anything that I can remember you by or can relate to you - anyone with your name - anything with a reference to angels or butterflies - anything.
I feel I have so little of you and yet I know how blessed I am to have had the 6 wonderful days with you that I did. So many parents don't get to spend any time with their child.
I pray to God that he will help me - help me to find the strength, help me to continue on, help me to try again, help me to understand...
I also pray that you'll be with all of us as we try to live this life without you. Most days it seems impossible but all days it just feels so very wrong. Until we can be with you again we'll always think of you, talk about you, remember you, but especially we'll always love you.
Today is my 30th birthday and what should be such a joyous occasion is clouded by my grief for you, Jenna. I do not regret in anyway the 6 wonderful days I had with you, I just wish that there was a way I could live a slightly normal life – I don’t want to forget about you – I couldn’t if I tried. Yet, I want to be able to do things like celebrate with my family, knowing you are with all of us in our hearts and not be so full of agonizing loneliness. I can’t tell you how hard it is to be in a room full of people knowing that I’m not alone – yet feeling like I am. I have so many wonderful friends and such a wonderful family, yet I can’t seem to find comfort anywhere I turn.
My life has changed forever, I can accept that – I wouldn’t go back to life before you, though I would love to go back to life with you…life before I knew you weren’t going to survive. I would go through all of the pain again just to be able to have another day with you, Jenna. It’s just that I wish that I still had some sort of normalcy to my life…that I could go to a wedding or a get together and not feel so lost, so sad. You should be part of all of these occasions – yet you’re not. You aren’t here and for the life of me I can’t understand why! I am so angry that it was you – not that I wish this on anyone – no other parent should have to outlive there child and no other child should have to suffer like you did…yet I can’t help to feel envious, jealous even and I don’t like feeling that way. I am so truly happy for other people when they welcome a little one into the world – but I can’t help but wonder why – why you?
Your death has brought me through a roller coaster of emotions – anger, pain, loneliness, aching, love…and such extreme sadness – I don’t know that I can even explain…
When I think of you Jenna, I wonder – wonder what you would look like now, what kind of personality you’d be developing, would you be an easy baby or a difficult one, would you end up getting married or be an independent bachelorette, would you be a mommy’s girl or a daddy’s girl, would you terrorize or idolize your big sister, would you be an animal lover like your mommy and big sister or could you take em or leave em, what would your voice sound like, what would your first word be…so many unanswered questions. Answers I’ll never have on this earth and I try to tell myself every minute of every day that someday I will be able to hold you again, someday I will be able to hear your sweet voice and see your sweet smile – yet someday is not soon enough. I struggle with the fact that I want to be here and live a long life to watch your sister grow up and hopefully one day raise a family of her own and to have another child that I can love and nurture – and knowing that I will have eternity with you it’s just that it’s only been 5 months and I already feel like you’ve been gone for years! How do I find comfort in someday? That’s been very difficult for me – someday seems so far away when I think of you and too soon when I think of Maria. How do I find a way to get over the battle of wanting to be with both of you when that is impossible in this lifetime?
Six months ago I was living a different life. A life full of joy and anticipation. A life that was soon to change, but the changes were welcome. We would go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. We had waited so long for you, Jenna. We were all so anxious to see you, to get to know you, to hold you. I remember daydreaming about who you would look like, if you would be strong-minded like your big sister Maria or if you would be laid back like your daddy. I remember hoping that I wouldn’t go until my due date because I just couldn’t wait to meet you and I was sick of not being able to sleep because I was SO pregnant and SO uncomfortable.
I remember that last week before you were born so clearly. I remember the Saturday before you were born, the three of us went shopping and we bought a few of those last minute items we would need for you. I remember I was too tired to cook and since we had a late lunch we decided to have banana splits for dinner. How very healthy I know but when you’re pregnant it’s hard to push those types of cravings aside.
I remember Maria kissing my belly and talking to you. I remember your daddy telling you every night before we went to sleep, “See you soon, little one.” I remember dreaming of you every night and before I’d fall off to dream I remember wondering if this would be the night you would wake me up ready to come into this world.
That naďve peacefulness surrounded us. All of us were so full of anticipation; it never would have dawned on us to think about any sort of tragedy. Nor, would it ever have dawned on me to treat each moment with you still in my womb as one of your last. Now, one day shy of six months since your birth, I would give anything to go back to that feeling, to be able to be peaceful and full of joy and anticipation, looking forward to your birth and what that would mean for our lives. That Maria would have to learn to be a big sister. That your daddy and I would have to adjust from being the parents of one to being the parents of two.
Never again, we will be able to look forward to the birth of any of our future children, whether that is one or more, the same way. I will never have that happiness that should fill my next pregnancy because I will be so terrified that something will go wrong again. Never again, will Maria think of me going into the hospital to bring the baby home as a good thing – only now as an awfully scary thing. Never again, will your daddy be able to look me in the eyes and say everything’s going to be okay, because we are too aware that things aren’t always okay. We are too aware of the pain that comes with losing a child, burying your own child and worst of all, living every day without one of your children.
I would not trade any of the time I had with you for anything, including that peacefulness. You have taught me so much in the short time you were here with us. I also wouldn’t trade those 6 wonderful days we were able to spend with you before you died. But, I wish there was a way that I could have some comfort in knowing that next time it will be okay. That next time it will be meant to be. That next time, we will not have to live through this heartbreak again.
October 3, 2004
It has been six months since the day you were born, Jenna. It is amazing to me how time seems to stand still and yet it seems like a lifetime ago that I held you. I had a very hard day today. Thinking of all the things that you would be doing now and trying to remember the day you were born. It's one that I have had a hard time remembering, especially after waking up from the surgery...that's all still such a fog.
I spoke to some friends last night after having such a down day and they helped, as they always do to help me realize that sometimes I am too hard on myself. It has only been 6 months and especially in the process of greiving thats really not very long. They also helped me to realize that even though I think I sometimes feel I haven't come very far, in fact I have. I do see hope, which I thought I never would again. I do laugh which I never thought was possible and I do see joy in the world...yet I still have things that I am having troubles with...things I wish I could find a way to get past. I don't like the anger I feel. I don't like the fact that I have a hard time accepting how other people deal with or have dealt with your death. I have a hard time, especially with the ones that I'm closest to, to be able to accept that they can't mention your name, that they can't call me up and tell me that they are thinking of you...I know in my heart that everyone deals with things differently and I know in the past I wasn't the type of person to be able talk to someone that was dealing with a loss...yet for some reason I expect it now. I wish I could get past that.
It's so hard to not feel selfish in a time like this - like you're the only one that's ever been through this pain - yet I know that's not true and I know there are worse things in this world that happen every day - but sometimes I just want to scream "My baby died!!! How can we behave like nothing's happened?"
I have come to the conclusion that I need to be the one to take control of how I feel on days like this...I am going to have to surround myself with people that give me strength on days that I know ahead of time will be difficult for me - otherwise who do I have to blame but myself?
I so often feel like a broken record, in talking about you, in my writing, even in my thoughts - yet the more I talk the better I feel. So, maybe what I've really learned in this past month is that I just need to turn to the people that can let me talk about this for the 1,000 time and can let me cry about it for no particular reason - and the one's that can't - to be okay with that. To find a way to be understanding of that.
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A friend of mine said to me today that I can take this and do something positive with it or I can let it make me go crazy. I know it seems like such a logical, simple solution yet I don't think I'd thought of it that way. I wish I could be more like your daddy who can think of something like this and see all the positive in it - he is genuinely happy for the 6 days we had with you and views them as the best of his life...I want to be there - I want to be able to think of your time on earth as nothing more then a blessing to all of us...I know that your lifetime was a blessing yet I can't help but think of all the things that should have been. I am not yet to that point.
I do see progress in that direction - I can now look at your photo and smile. I can talk about you without crying. I can be in your room without sobbing...but I just can't let go of what should have been. Not yet at least.
I miss you so much baby.
Mommy
November 15, 2004
I attended a memorial service for Austin's first birthday today. As Lori, his mommy, and I always say that we believe that we were brought together and so therefor we are sure that you and Austin have also been brought together up in heaven.
It was amazing to me all the emotions that surfaced for me. I knew that it would be hard. Hard to see Lori have to go through Austin's 1st birthday knowing that she should be helping him eat his first piece of birthday cake and watching in amazement as she helped him open his presents. Watching his eyes light up at the flicker of light from his birthday candles - all those things she should be doing. I knew that would be hard. Yet, I wasn't ready for the pain I would feel for her or the pain I felt in realization that I'll never do those things with you.
It's strange - I'm sure as an outsider reading this especially, to understand how those things hit like bricks. I mean I knew all along that I would miss out on your firsts - your first word, your first step, your first crush...but it's those little things that sometimes you don't realize until you are faced with them. So instead of all the things she should have been doing, she and many other people that love Austin were standing at his graveside - listening to songs that remind Lori of him and listening to her voice quiver as she read a letter that she wrote to him. It's so unnatural - so heartbreaking!
I wasn't ready to be faced with reality that this will be me, come April - celebrating your first birthday at the cemetary. Even though I've thought about it before, I guess I never really thought about how that is going to feel. Today gave me a small glimpse of that.
I know that you know how much you are loved and I know that you know you are with me, your daddy and big sister Maria every minute of our lives...I just wish you could be here for us to tell you.
As I stood there listening to the music playing and watching the balloons that we released in Austin's memory, I became almost physically ill...knowing all too well how desperately she must miss Austin and how desperately I miss you Jenna.
11/21/04
As Thanksgiving day approaches this year, I find myself feeling so many emotions and seeing things differently then ever before. I have a different perspective on my life then I ever have before and that is because of you Jenna. I still struggle with how to change certain things in my life, certain things about myself but I feel blessed that at least I recognize some of those things now.
I do have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my dear daughters, Maria and Jenna. Maria for the sunshine she brings into my life - her laugh, her loving, caring, happy personality, her big wonderful eyes that seem to be able to stare straight into my soul and make every worry slip away.
I'm thankful also for you Jenna, for those six wonderful days we spent with you after you were born and the 8 1/2 months I was able to carry you in my womb. Your strength gives me strength to continue living this life without you and to find a way to try again. To have the faith that God is with me in my joy and in my despair.
Both yours and Maria's beautiful spirits make me want to be a better person.
I am also thankful for my wonderful husband Emilio. He is my rock. His outlook on life and ability to see the best in every situation is something I've always greatly admired. Since losing Jenna, I see that even more - I see how he misses you terribly and yet he is okay with the fact that you are in a better place then we are - he is truly happy for you, in that respect. He can live every day being thankful for the time we had with you.
I am thankful for all of my wonderful family and friends. I realized that I have the best people in my life and know that for too long I took that for granted. It is so easy to get caught up in life and think that people just know how you feel. Losing you Jenna made me realize that there are so many people that would leave such a dark void in my life if they were gone, yet I don't express that. I have been so blessed their love, support, true friendship - they have all helped me to get through this year.
I have also realized how much I truly am thankful to God...thankful for my two beautiful daughters - one that I watch over here on earth and one that he watches over for me in heaven. I am thankful that he is helping me find a way to work through my grief. I know that I will never get over losing you Jenna, you will always be a part of my life, but I do know that it is because God is by my side that I have been able to feel joy in my heart since losing you.
I am thankful to God for this incredible chance he's given me to see myself through different eyes...to be able to see what I want to change...to be able to see the impact I have had on other people's lives by showing me their love when I was in my most desperate moments...to be able to take this time in my life and make a difference with it - no matter how small that difference may be.
11/25/04
Happy Thanksgiving Jenna!
Today is Thanksgiving - our first without you. Our first actual holliday without you - you died on Good Friday this year and there was Easter but we were still so engulfed in the numbness.
We woke up this morning and I was so afraid of how the day would go. I had worried many times how I would deal with the holidays without you and even after making it through one, I still worry about Christmas. But I am very proud of myself...I did cry, I did break down but I did feel peace as well.
We went to the cemetery to see you before going to our first of 2 get togethers today and I had a hard time wiht that. Maria also was very emotional today - usually she is very happy to be able to come and see you and the other babies but today she just kept saying how much she missed you. I guess that sums it up the best - we all just missed you terribly.
One of the greatest fears I think I had was that the day would go on and NO ONE would even bring up your name, so I decided that some way, even if it was only with one other person I would talk about you - I couldn't let the day go by without talking about my daughter who was very much with me even if it wasn't physically.
When we were at your Grandma Helen's house sitting talking to our cousins, aunts and uncles, the discussion turned to a book that talked about experiences a corenor has had with the after life and so I decided after a few people had spoken about the light so many people talk about to tell my story of the day you almost died in my arms.
It was two days before you actually died, April 7th. I was still in the hospital, was actually going home that day. I woke up early and felt a need to go down to see you right away in the NICU. I took a quick shower and went downstairs. I was holding you when your alarms started to go off. When one of the nurses came in she looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "This is it. Just hold her and love her." I immediately started sobbing and held you as tightly as I could without hurting you. Suddenly, through closed blinds, sunshine came streaming in and rest on your face. I knew for sure it was God telling you to come home with hime. I kept kissing your face and telling you "Go baby. Go be with God. It will be okay. I love and always will." My heart was breaking. All of your vitals kept dropping when suddenly the sunshine stopped coming through the closed blinds and your vitals started to go back up.
I truly believe that God was calling you that morning and whether or not you didn't go with him because you knew I couldn't handle watching you die in my arms or he decided that you needed to spend a few more days with us, I will of course never know. But, I don't think I have ever felt such a great peacefulness in my entire life.
I am so proud of myself for being able to share that story with my family - I haven't told very many people that story because I can't ever seem to without sobbing - but tonight I could - it was time - I was ready.
I guess that's how I am starting to feel - that I am so thankful for the time I had with you and I am thankful to know that you are always with me in my heart...but it is time for me to start moving on to the next stage of my grieving. I know that there will still be days when I will feel so very lost and there will still be moments when my grief throws me back to that raw pain of the first few months...but I am ready to start looking at your life as a blessing and not a tradgedy.
I am so thankful for you, Jenna.
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