DNC Gala

Spring 2005

Moving with grace and stealth through a political fundraiser was her specialty. She’d been perfecting her technique for years and she knew, for a fact that, she was better at gathering information on the sly than most of the people in the room. Tonight’s gala was another classic example of the Democrats’ best and brightest getting together to see and be seen. Tonight was another chance to collect information. For, as she knew well, information was power in this town.

At this exact moment she charted the pieces of this particular political chessboard and kept an eye on their movements. President Bartlet had left nearly an hour ago but CJ had remained behind. Cliff Calley was also there. She didn’t quite know what to think of that, but she filed it away to figure out later. The Vice President, the current one, was schmoozing with members of the environmental community near the photographers. Hoynes was chatting discreetly with his campaign manager at the bar. Congressman Santos was engaging a number of people in a discussion of public education funding. Senator Rafferty was fielding polite handshakes from people who looked at her like she was an unexpectedly exotic bird in a pet store.

With all the pieces of the chessboard moving predictably, she relaxed and let her mind wander. The only person she hadn’t accounted for was Josh. He’d been working the room earlier in the evening but it was no surprise to her to find that he’d faded into the background after a few hours. She’d heard about his day through bits of conversation with Margaret, Bonnie and Ginger. He’d had a hard time getting in the building. He’d been denied access to the President. From what she could gather, he’d had an actual knock-down fight with Toby.

It didn’t surprise her then to find him watching the party from the shadows.

Taking two glasses of champagne from a waiter she left the glow of the room to enter the darkness of his corner. He watched her intently.

"Hey," she smiled. The icy blue of her dress faded to a softer blue as she left the light.

She passed him a glass.

"Hey. What’s going on?" His voice was kind of tired out but she could hear he was trying his best to sound upbeat.

He looked really tired.

"You okay?"

He sighed and absentmindedly gnawed on his bottom lip.

"I heard something happened between you and Toby today." She leaned her back against the wall, so they were side by side.

"You could say that. We talked, I guess," his words sort of blurted out in the kind of laugh that sounded like anything but a laugh.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Sure."

He looked tired enough for the confusion and hurt he felt to be visible on his face.

"Josh. Hey, it’s me." She reached out to tug the edge of his suit jacket circling his wrist.

"I know."

He leaned back further into the wall and let his eyes meet hers.

"Donna, did you know David died?"

"Toby’s brother?"

"Yeah." His voice was hitching so she smoothed her palm up and down his sleeve until he calmed down.

"I just heard today," she murmured softly.

"I didn’t know."

"Yeah," she sighed, knowing full well the emotional weight he was carrying tonight.

"I mean, I’ve known Toby forever and I didn’t know."

"Yeah," she let him continue.

"Donna," his voice betrayed the real sadness she saw in his face. "The president walks with a cane now and I didn’t know. Margaret is really really pregnant and I didn’t know that either. It’s like," he laughed at himself, "I don’t know. Everything seems so," his voice trailed back in on itself.

"Weird?"

"I guess."

"People move on Josh. Even you."

"Donna?"

"Yes, Josh?"

"Is there anything I don’t know about you?"

"Like what?"

"It just feels like, well, all of a sudden I turn around and everyone is changed. It’s like I don’t know anyone anymore. I’m almost afraid to look at you."

"I cut my hair," she offered with a smile as she nudged him in the ribs.

She felt his gaze studying her. She could feel his eyes searching her face, looking to see if she too had changed into someone he didn’t know.

"I’m still me, Josh." She could feel her heart reaching out to him.

Silence descended between them again as the lush jazz filled the empty spaces. She felt him edge nearer her along the wall.

"You know what’s weird?" His voice was sort of blending in with the music. She had to work to hear him.

"Hmm?"

"Working one of these parties and forgetting that you aren’t working with me."

She smiled.

"I’ll be working the room and I turn to find Ronna, not Donna." He laughed at the irony. "It’s kinda strange."

"Feels like we’ve been apart a long time, doesn’t it?"

He nodded and the music filled the silent spaces again.

She turned to study his countenance. He looked mostly okay. His top button was loosened but he was pretty rumple free. She didn’t recognize the new tie. If he picked it out himself, he did a good job. It looked good on him.

"You know what I thought of the other day Donna?"

"What?"

"I was thinking back on something you said after I’d returned from a trip."

"What did I say?" She was impressed he’d remember something so arcane.

"You said something to the effect of 'My man, you’ve come back to me.'"

"That sounds like me." She nodded her head appreciatively.

"Yeah."

"What made you think of it?"

"I don’t know, those words kept running through my head," he kind of smiled over at her.

"Kinda random, don’t you think Josh?"

"I guess."

The room was still swirling with light and music. It was as if they were watching a merry-go-round twinkling and twirling from the outside, in the darkness. She wondered if time stopped in this little corner of the room. No one had come looking for her. No one had come looking for him, for that matter.

"What made you say that?" His voice cut the jazz.

"Say what?"

"'My man,'" his voice registered just above a whisper and she had to work to hear him.

That really is the $64,000 question, isn’t it Donna? She thought to herself.

"So I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind having that talk now huh?" She smiled.

"The one I put off until you quit?"

"Uh-huh."

"Maybe. I don’t know."

"Well, Josh," her voice was not betraying any of the melancholy and frustration she’d felt in the not-so-distant past. Wasn’t the truth obvious to him? "It seems to me you’ve been wandering around feeling like you don’t know very much anymore. It might be nice to feel like you know something."

"Yeah. I’m sure you’re right."

"So what’s getting in your way?"

"My way of what?"

"Of knowing."

"I don’t know."

Her shoulders started shaking and she had to work very hard to keep herself together. It was hard to be graceful and stealthy when fighting the urge to bust a gut laughing at your former boss in the darkened corner of a very well-attended ballroom.

"What?" His voice was getting concerned at her reaction. She knew she had to act fast. She reached out and patted his arm again.

"Oh Josh, you know," she wiped at the water pooling in her eyes. "You’ve always known. You can’t feign ignorance and then tell me you want to know but then not ask me what it is you really want to know. Which, if you look at it honestly, is pretty funny because you already know it."

"Okay, Donna, you know that made no sense right?" He was kind of smiling at her again.

"Josh. Ask."

She watched him fidget with his now empty champagne glass, gathering his courage.

She was amazed he was going to try.

"Was I your man?"

"Back then?"

"Yeah," he nodded softly as his voice trailed in on itself again. She could see how nervous he was.

"In a matter of speaking, yes."

Her forthright words startled him.

"But we never, I mean, you know."

"And yet when I woke in Germany, whose scruffy face did I see?"

"But you dated people!"

"So did you."

"But why?"

"Why what? Why did I date? Why did you date? Why did we never…?" Her voice trailed off, offering him the opportunity to jump in.

"Why was I your man?"

She snapped up the easiest answer. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted to say, but it was a start.

"I did spend upwards of 20 hours a day with you Josh."

"So it was geography and convenience?"

"Well, I didn’t have lots of spare time to date and when I did, miraculously, my boss would haul me back to work under the pretense of national importance."

"Sometimes it was important!"

"And sometimes it was just you sabotaging my efforts to have a social life."

"So it was geography and convenience."

"No." She shook her head.

"No? Then what was it?" He truly sounded confused.

"Josh, you know those old couples who sit in the park and play chess?"

"Yeah."

"There were days I saw them and saw us. Josh, you and I had companionship down pat. Why find a date for a DNC fundraiser when you saw how excited I was to get dressed up and go with you? Why find a lunch date when I knew you’d want to eat together and go over the numbers for the new bill in Congress? We both went down that road Josh. Spending our days like we always did, it was comfortable, easy. But, Josh, those old couples had wine and roses too. Those couples had their share of passionate nights." She watched his eyes widen at her suggestion.

"So why did you stay?"

"I had my reasons."

"Were the reasons about me?"

"Some of them. Some of them were about me."

"Why did you go?"

"Same reasons."

"You wanted more?" He asked.

“Josh, are you asking about my decision professionally or personally?”

“Both.”

“Same reasons.”

Her answers were more cryptic than she wanted but she wanted him to arrive at an understanding for himself.

"You wanted to be more? You wanted us to be more?"

Her smiled answered his tentative question.

"But why?"

"Because I knew I had more in me than to be just your assistant."

She saw the pain cross his face and she had to scramble to better explain herself.

"Josh, tell me, did you want to remain a congressional aide forever?"

"No," he sounded as if that were the most obvious answer in the world.

"Okay..." she tried to lead him to her point.

"Oh."

"Yeah. I’ve grown up Josh, professionally and personally. I just assumed you’d want to grow up too."

"Did you ever think about us?" He sort of let his words mumble out.

"When?"

"Back then, back when you worked for me."

"Sure. It made for a nice hobby in my down time."

He looked at her like he couldn’t tell if she were serious or silly.

"On the really good days, Josh, I wondered if we’d grow up and grow together."

A genuine smile crossed his face. It had been a very long time since she’d seen him smile like that.

"Let me ask you this, Josh, did you think about an 'us'?"

"Actually, sometimes I did."

"When?"

"When you were with someone else." He looked a little embarrassed.

"Jealous much?"

"You know what I mean." He sighed and silence threatened to descend upon them again.

"No, Josh, I don’t know what you mean. Tell me." Her words rushed forth and surprised her. She hadn’t expected to need this, to absolutely need him to tell her he’d wanted her for a very long time.

"I remember when you were going away with Jack for the holiday. It was snowing like crazy. The roads were blocked. It killed me when Leo told me he had hooked you up with a helicopter so you could leave. I remember wanting so badly for that to be me. I wanted you to want to go away with me."

"You did?"

He just nodded, embarrassed by his obvious display of honesty and need.

"Is there more?"

He nodded.

"Tell me more Josh." Her voice was soft. She let her fingers reach out to slide down his arm. Feeling the warmth radiate from him, she let her arm entwine with his.

"I just see you in my head. You know? I see you when I wake up in the morning. I walk into my kitchen and think how much I want to share a big messy stack of pancakes with you. I see you when I get home late at night and crawl into an unmade bed. I, I see you when I see families playing on the Mall," his voice trailed off again. "Donna, I see you when I watch the President and the First Lady dance."

In the silence of their darkness she wondered if he could hear her heart pounding in her chest.

"Oh Josh," the words slipped out, betraying the depth of emotions she felt.

This, right now, was their moment. After all the years, here they were, on the cusp of everything. Her eyes met his with the force of a million things unsaid. She wanted him to know everything. She wanted to scream that he was her man back then and he was her man now. She wanted to close the thin distance between them and wrap her arms around him, their futures be damned.

It was the music that brought her back to reality. Her gaze was drawn from his eyes to the swirling, twirling glow of the party. She sighed as she peered out from the darkness and saw the chess pieces moving again.

This was their moment but it wasn’t their place. Not yet.

She let her arm drop a little more until her hand found his. Weaving her fingers with his, she held on tight, hoping he finally understood.

She watched him smile down on their hands clasped together.

Leaning in toward him she smiled and whispered, "I like pancakes, you know."

Looking back into the light of the party, she hoped the darkness would last just a little longer.

FIN