by Prof. Hans Heinrich, BS, MS, MD, PhD, DVM, FAAG, but mostly BS

Leading Authority on Highly Complex Subjects
The Stephen Duck Society

EDITOR'S NOTE: This seminal paper on diet and exercise practices was originally scheduled for delivery at Prof. Heinrich's home institution of the University of the Faeroe Islands. Unfortunately, owing to an unresolved dispute in the Faculty Senate regarding documentation of certain claims made in the professor's research, its presentation has been postponed indefinitely. Prof. Heinrich has begged the indulgence of Mr. Roberts in requesting that in the interim he (Mr. Roberts) post these findings on the Internet. In hopes of encouraging immature, irresponsible debate, he (Mr. Roberts) has done so on this web page. Please direct email comments for Prof. Heinrich to Mr. Roberts (him) at thorsdag (at) comcast dot net. Note that the original introduction for the paper has been lost, but if Prof. Heinrich ever finds it, he (Prof. Heinrich) assures me (him) that he (someone) will forward it to me (whoever) for posting to the Internet community.

The Major Food Groups

1. Meat Group: Minimum Daily Percentage of Normal Diet = 40%

a) Processed meat (frankfurters, sausage, luncheon meats, bacon, canned corned beef and similar stuff, beef jerky -- any meat or meat-like substance that can be eaten right out of its container) b) Fresh meat (beef, pork, lamb, buffalo, beefalo, ostrich, rabbit, squirrel, large wild game, cats, dogs, etc. -- prefer cuts that can be marinated and barbecued) c) Poultry (chicken, duck, goose, turkey, wild game, parrots, etc.) d) Acceptable fish (salmon, fresh tuna, creamed herring, shrimp, and the fish-part squares and other neat shapes in your grocer's freezer section -- stick with the high-calorie stuff that is cooked in lots of butter, oil, or animal fat)

Gourmet Fare!

2. Snack Group: Minimum Daily Percentage of Normal Diet = 35%

"Then from on high, God looked upon his Creation and said, 'This I have made for thee. Go, eat, and smear thy face with cream filling. And then wash thy hands but vomit not.' And yea verily, we did as we were commanded by the Lord." -- Book of Twinkie, Chap. 14, Verses 22-24

a) Salty stuff (potato chips, corn chips, taco chips, nuts, pretzels, seeds, crackers, high-calorie dips and sauces, cheese, and selected pets) b) Sweet stuff (candy, chocolate, cake, cookies, Twinkies, HoHo's, moon pies, ice cream, and selected pets)

3. Beverage Group: Minimum Daily Percentage of Normal Diet = 20%

a) Alcoholic (wine, beer, whisky, vodka, gin, rum, brandy, liqueur, etc. -- beer must be minimum 5.6% alcohol)

b) Nonalcoholic (water, soda, fruit juices, coffee, tea, milk -- take only as needed to ease hangovers)

4. Non-Meat, Non-Snack, Non-Beverage Group: Minimum Daily Percentage of Normal Diet = 5%

a) Vegetables (legumes, lentils, corn, potatoes, mushrooms, salad stuff, etc.) (NOTE: if cooked in oil or animal fat, these items may move into higher category of acceptability)

b) Grains (bread and bread-type products, rice, wheat, unsweetened cereal, etc.)

c) Anything labeled as "natural" or "health food", including fruit -- this stuff will kill you

c) Boring and/or frightening things you were forced to eat as a kid such as beef liver, bony fish with intact head, overcooked vegetables, dried-out sandwiches served at funerals, and citron-laced fruitcake

How the Food Groups Work Together:
The AHA Food Wheel®

The American Hearth Association Exercise Guidelines:
Top 10 Things That Should Be Part of Your Daily Routine

1. A big, comfy reclining chair providing all essentials within easy reach (OPTIONAL: chair may be equipped with wheels and battery-powered motor to carry occupant within and outside dwelling; may also be equipped with "Personal Relief Package®" which permits sanitary and odor-free waste elimination in situ).

2. A large TV-VCR-stereo center with a single remote control that can be operated without looking at keys, featuring both cable and satellite feeds (minimum of 400 channels, including X-rated and Pay Per View), voice-activated programming, and 1,000-CD magazine. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Since this was written ten years ago, technological advances have fortunately made it possible to become even more sedentary than what is described here.)

3. A super-fast computer (Macintosh) and necessary peripherals connected to a high-speed Internet link, with voice-activated commands and a flawless operating system, especially for games and web surfing.

4. A sturdy barbecue grill that burns wood and/or charcoal (the Weber is preferred by cognoscenti as well as people who know what they're doing), as shown in the illustration of Mr. Thorsdag cooking in his backyard (he tells me his burns are just about completely healed now).

5. Totally light-blocking shades on all doors and windows.

6. Complete cleaning, lawn care, laundry, and household maintenance services provided by extremely trustworthy, hardworking, low-paid workers (illegal aliens -- especially if they're mute -- are OK as long as you plan no political career).

7. All preferred food and beverage delivery services (pizza, hot wings, Chinese, Tex-Mex, gourmet, beer & hard liquor, etc.) on voice-activated speed dial phone.

8. Programmable Caller ID service which automatically screens and answers every unwanted call with a message like this: "I'm sorry, but you've reached a phone paid for by a person who has NO F**KING INTEREST IN TALKING WITH YOU!!" (replace asterisks with letters of your choice).

9. Continuous Replenishment Service® for endless supply of beer, liquor, tobacco products, drugs of choice, snack foods, meats, general groceries, and household supplies, preferably one featuring Friendly PutAway® service.

10. A butler or maid (your choice) who caters around the clock to your every whim, no matter how demeaning, sordid, or depraved.

The American Hearth Association Exercise Guidelines:
Top 10 Things That Should Be Avoided at All Costs

1. Any object whose trade name or user manual states or implies the words "exercise" or "health" such as a treadmill, home gym, weights, stepper machine, Nautilus, barbells, stationary or mobile bicycle, ab flattener, ThighMaster, breast enhancer (an exception is possible on this one), basketball goal, etc. Such things are a total waste of money that could be spent to acquire essential items referred to in the previous list.

2. Response, immediate or delayed, to such requests as, "Honey, can you run to the store and pick up _________ [fill in the blank -- it could be anything]." If necessary, feign deafness and/or paralysis. Observe and learn from stroke victims -- they are your mentors.

3. Any household tools operated by muscle or external energy source. Remove them from your home immediately and keep them out.

4. Large, heavy objects that must be lifted and put away above a one-foot level. Exceptions may be allowed for liquor or food if the butler or maid is unavailable and said object impedes movement to desired location such as big, comfy chair.

5. Any visitor (especially a child under the age of 35) for more than eight (8) hours -- the presence of such persons inevitably leads to stress, fatigue, interruption, physical exertion, and financial hemorrhage.

6. Loud, startling noises which cause sudden movement, interruption of rest, or sleep disturbance.

7. Any high-maintenance possession such as a boat, horse, swimming pool, finicky foreign car, aging pet, professional sports franchise, or penniless spouse.

8. Any gainful employment requiring more than five hours of low-stress activity per week.

9. A hobby or other time-wasting activity which requires the purchase, assembly, and public display of objects made from more than six separate parts. If glue is involved, the limit is two separate parts.

10. A paper or electronic trail which allows creditors, ex-spouses, relatives, unemployed offspring, old school classmates, or the IRS to track you down.  

© Copyright T. E. Roberts, 1999. All worldwide rights reserved.

Click HERE to return to Tod's Home Page.