New Outlook

You know, I've decided to stop wallowing. I am going to stop being wishy-washy!

Well, easier said than done, for me.

I am a worrier, sort of. It's funny, really. I don't worry about a lot of things. I really don't worry about money (although I wish I had more). I don't worry about safety. I don't worry about about my relationship with my husband. I don't worry about the future.....EXCEPT.....except when it comes to my kids.

When it comes to them, I worry about their future. When I was pregnant with them, I didn't worry about their birth, when they were born, I didn't worry about their development. I wanted to keep them safe and healthy. I nursed them, I stayed home with them, they slept in my bed, they stayed near. I suppose when I did those things, I didn't have a need for worry.

Now that they are older, and we are homeschooling, The worries have begun. I feel like I have so much more responsibility for who they become, what opportunities they have. As they get older, I have less control. I can't keep them safe all the time, I can't make them happy all the time, I can't give them friends. With less money, I can offer then less in the way of opportunity. So, in that sense, I worry about their education and their social life. I go back and forth a lot on whether I am doing the right thing. One day I feel so great about our life, our lifestyle, who we are...and then the next I am terrified and think they would just be better off in school.

I am tired of being so wishy-washy! I am just going to take this life that we have and make it work. I'm going to embrace it and not look back. If I see an opportunity that school has to offer that would suit my kids, I'll take it, if not, we'll find other opportunities (and hopefully they are free or low cost. LOL).

There. I said it, so now I have to do it. :-)

Sad news while I was away

I've heard of this method a lot over the years that I have been homeschooling. I've shook my head in the past. Now a child has been killed using this method. It's time to join the boycott!

D-Land

Had a wonderful time at DisneyLand once again. And once again we have declared we are never driving again! LOL The ride down was fine, the ride home was hard. DH got sick our last couple of days...that was rough. Thankfully my sister and her family came too, and I wasn't quite so alone those moments when he couldn't be with us. I have to say I am so glad we caught the 50th anniversary celebration. The fireworks were my most favorite part..very well done!

Now to plan our Florida vacation for next year! :-)

Still Here

I've read just about everything I usually read online everyday, and I thought I would post on my semi-neglected blog.

We're sick. The theme of our winter so far! This time it's an upper respiratory thing with a horrible cough. My two youngest are on antibiotics...the first time in years (well, for my youngest, his first time ever). Now my oldest is coming down with it. I hope we are all well before our trip to D-land in two weeks!

I'm currently being serenaded by my oldest on his violin. I have sure been ejoying listening to him play! I'm so glad he went back to it. I've always hoped my kids would be musical, but I never really thought it would be a violin for any of them. We'll see about the other two...they are still young, they have time. :-)

My grandmother is doing well. Today should be her last radiation treatment for now, and we'll see where we go from there. She is in good spirits even though she has been feeling so horrible. I love her so much, it's hard to see her having to go through this.

The Power of Music

I found out a few days ago that my grandma has cancer. Here is a song that has been very meaningful to me over the last few months, and now more than ever. I look forward to every moment that it's on the radio. If only it was on Rhapsody, I'd listen to it over and over.

Held
by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

We had the most wonderful Christmas. There was nothing extraordinary about it, but it was just fantasic nonetheless. Somehow we managed to make it work..we always do. I should never doubt. We're a bit behind on bills, but we'll be fine. Family, friends, food. What could be better?

Our Hanukkah celebrations were a bit bare. Being that it started on Christmas night, it just seemed a bit overshadowed by our more familiar holiday. Since we just started celebrating last year, it's been hard to make it feel like "ours." I'll try harder next year. :-)

Homeschooling is going well. We took a break for the holidays, and started back up again last week. Kaleb is still plugging along in his Lifepac workboooks. I know he is bored. I am definately going to do something else when he is done. Bethany is doing Miquon Math and loving it. It really suits her and I am so glad I got on the ball and started using it (I bought it a few years ago and it's been sitting on the shelf all this time). I'm having her read every day from whatever she chooses. We're also working on spelling and handwriting. I'm using a workbook I bought for Kaleb a couple years ago and never used. It's got a list of 300 words you child should know by 3rd grade. She doesn't like doing it so much, but she is pretty proud of how well she is doing. She is already spelling a lot better. Even Ian is learning a lot this year. He is really interested in reading, and tries to sound things out. He knows the letter pretty well now, and all the sounds. He forgets sometimes, but I am really surprised at how much he has learned from just a few months ago. He likes to sit and work in his preschool workbook while Kaleb and Beth do their work at the table. The only thing we need to work on is not annoying each other while they're working! Sometimes that can get downright frustrating.

We're planning a trip to Disneyland in March with our IRS money. The kids are very excited, as is my dear husband. He needs this trip very much. Things are just not going his way lately and I feel very bad for him. Once again he was turned down in the very last stages of
applying for a police department (his childhood dream). He is done trying, and I don't blame him. I think all of the turn-downs actually hurt his chances on this one. I don't know why, but there must be a reason. I'm trusting that God knows why and that it's in our best interests that he not be a police officer. There's got to be something better in our future, because right now things have stopped getting better, and are going backwards. If I'm going to keep homeschooling these kids, we've got to have more income. It was so much easier when they were babies! Anyone reading this-please pray that God shows us the right direction!

Colds

Now I know why there's been so much whining around here. The kids are sick with colds. I have had one, and was hoping (ha!) that the kids wouldn't get it. So, my husband has to run the sound system at church today, and took our oldest. The younger two are here with me today. They have been fighting non-stop. I told my daughter that I should make her share her room with her younger brother to teach her a little patience and understanding (she has been really bossy about her room lately). I don't know what happened, but they latched onto that idea so fast and are now planning their room together. ??? Hugging and smiling and saying things like, "Mommy, please, can we do it right now? We want to paint the room blue with white clouds." LOL...my daughter even wants new carpet. Um, no. That carpet is only 2 years old! I've created two little monsters. My husband has the week after Christmas off. I'll wait until then, and see if they are still as excited about it...then maybe we can work something out.

It's been nearly a month already!

Things are going well here, except for a certain someone's CONSTANT WHINING. I'm about to burst, I tell you. Whining does not go over well with me.

I've been in a funk for the last couple days. I had a miserable cold, but I must have done all the right things because it left pretty fast. I'm just on edge aroudn the kids a lot lately. We've been without money and cooped up too much.

I've been stressing over Christmas too. I think we managed pretty well for the kids considering how little we had to work with this year, but it's my family I am worried about. We drew names, and I feel bad about it. I think I would almost feel better if we had to give to everyone. That way, people would truly understand that we couldn't afford to give so much, and the baked goodies would be enough. Since we have only two to buy for, I feel more pressure to buy nicer things. We just can't afford it. I am feeling bad that I will give something small (or nothing at all..I am seriously stressing this), while others spend more on us. I know they won't mind at all...but I still feel bad about it. I somehow always manage to figure something out...and I completely know that this is not what our celebrations are about, but I still can't help but feeling this way.

On the other hand, I am so excited. Christmas is my favorite time of year. Last year we celebrated Hanukkah too, and this year it falls on sunset Christmas evening. We had so much fun and joy out of celebrating last year, the kids are excited to do it agian this year. The festival of lights! :-)