Balls, Balls, Everywhere Balls!

Or

A Day in the Life of a Telecommuter and His Dogs

By Thomas J. Clancy

            Everywhere I look in this little makeshift office of mine I find tennis balls and racket balls, all in varying degrees of degradation, the owner of which is an old, albeit rambunctious, Boston Terrier named Pal.  He’s one of a family of three (father, mother and daughter) that I take care of during the day as I work from home, telecommuting to Buffalo over my high speed ADSL (asynchronous digital subscriber line) modem, a much faster alternative to the standard 56k modem that works over an existing phone line but has the distinct advantage of also allowing me to place and make phone calls while I’m connected.  Of course there are times that I wish I had just a plain old modem, because, believe me, there are some calls that I would prefer not to get such as those cheerful yet annoying calls from operators at both major city newspapers trying desperately to swindle my money with promises of prompt delivery and superior quality over the other; or the boss who’s wondering when my latest project will be complete and why I haven’t bothered to submit my weekly status report in two months; or those headhunters that I turn away who are always dangling in front of me that ellusive golden carrot, at which point I just sit back shaking my head wondering why I just turned down $150,000.00 per year, stock options, benefits, a bonus plan and a new company car .

            But as I figure it, after having spent the last ten years as a commuter, driving to and from a nine to five job (whether it was as a programmer in Pittsburgh or as an analyst in Atlanta), battling other tired and angry commuters on the highways and the byways and the tiny side streets, I finally felt that my time had come to reap the rewards of home-office life, and to take on the responsibilities of a full-time telecommuter.  Of course when an old friend of mine presented me with this opportunity, and as he put it, one that I could not possibly refuse, I had to take it.  I mean, where else can you work where you get to sit around all day in your bathrobe (or nothing, if you’d prefer) , listen to your favorite tunes as loud as you want, and never have to worry again about office politics or if anyone wants to go to lunch with you, the weird vegetarian dude who won’t even eat chicken or fish—“Hey, that’s vegetarian, ain’t it?”  “No,” I reply again, and what seems like the hundredth time, “it is not.”

            I mean, telecommuting really has its advantages.  You get to wake up at eleven o’clock in the morning, spend “quality time” during lunch with your girlfriend, take rides in the park in the middle of the day if you become particularly puzzled over some problem you’re trying to solve, and eat where you want to eat (when you actually do eat lunch), or have the time to make your favorite vegan rice dish from the luxury of your own kitchen without having to again endure someone asking you, “So, how do you get your protein, then?”

            Of course telecommuting does have its disadvantages as well.  You tend to work until the early morning, days and nights melting one into the other, weeks sliding by like skaters on the ice, and the next thing you know it’s a different month and you almost forgot to pay the rent.  You also tend to forego such personal habits as bathing, shaving and trimming your nails, which tends to make the “quality time” you would normally spend with your girlfriend during lunch a lonely affair.  This is when the high speed internet connection comes in handy as you spend your lunchtime, literally, with the dogs, which sometimes isn’t so bad because your dogs are rarely judgemental and could care less what you look like or how you smell as long as you toss the tennis ball, rub their bellies and feed them their oh-so-tasty, meat-like treats.

            I admit that I’ve only really been telecommuting since January of this year, and I don’t yet know if I’ll wind up going stir crazy, getting cabin feaver or becoming a complete sociopath.  But I can say that I am, thus far, enjoying myself, and I can honestly recommend telecommuting to anyone that has the opportunity to do it.  Just remember that if you do have a significant other (your dogs excluded) and you do decide to become a telecommuter, bathe regularly.  It will do wonders for your relationship.