The Wart of Ar

1. ASL is a matter of vital importance to the Grognard; the veritable slam-dunk in the Hoops Game of Life. It is mandatory that it be given precedence over affairs familial, employment, and other.

2. Therefore, appraise it in terms of the Five Eternal Truths, cross-correlated with the Seven Ultimate Likelihoods, with passing reference to the Sixteen Dripping Gobbets of Wisdom.

3. The first of these is Counter Storage; the second is the IIFT; the third is Panthers in WWII Movies; the fourth is RB Purchases, and the fifth is AH Bashing.

4. By Counter Storage, I mean that which enables one to Sort, Carry, and Readily Find his Units either when setting up or tearing down a scenario.

5. By the IIFT, I mean that which Incrementally allows one to fire an LMG separately from a squad, to uncertain tactical effect but to great historical significance.

6. By Panthers in WWII Movies, I mean the Mocking Up or otherwise Portrayal of the PzV in celluloid entertainment media, both with and without the presence of Mark Hamill.

7. By RB Purchases, I mean the attainment of Force and Strength on the RB board through accrual and expenditure of Purchase Points.

8. By AH Bashing, I mean the endlessly enjoyable sport of mocking and ridiculing the past, present, and future of ASL as a product of The Avalon Hill Game Company, a division of Monarch Avalon Inc.

9. There is no grognard who has not become intimately familiar with these five matters. Those who do them win, those who don't don't.

10. Therefore listen up.

11. If you say which commander possesses the most intricate counter storage system, which commander bashes AH most nastily, which commander knows what a "5" is on the 17 column of the IIFT,

12. Which knows which hex is The Commissar's House on the RB map;

13. Which knows every WWII movie Mark Hamill ever appeared in;

14. I will be able to forecast who will be the Ass Kicker and who will be the Ass Kickee.

15. If a player who buys my 3-volume video collection on How To Win At ASL for only $29.95 plus shipping and handling (call now), he is certain to win, and by all rights should be smothered with affection by the Swedish Women's Nude Oiled Luge team. When one refuses to listen to my wisdom, he should be tied up and forced to read the entire Cannister ROF thread sixteen hundred times.

16. Having paid heed to the advantages of my plans, the player must create situations which will contribute to the opportunity to play ASL. By 'situations' I mean that he should sneak out of the house when his wife isn't looking, plan bogus business trips, and have his ASL buddies pose as cops and arrest him for 48 hours of "questioning".

17. All ASL list traffic is based on not having read the rulebook.

18. Therefore, when capable, feign like you know what "feign" means; when active, play ASL.

19. When black, make it appear that you are white; when dumb, make it appear that you are smart.

20. Offer your opponent a sneak peak at CH #4 to lure him; feign that his wife is on the phone and peek under his concealed stacks to find out where that damn HMG is.

21. When he concentrates, play Wagner LOUD; where he knows the OBA rules, avoid OBA.

22. Anger his wife and you'll never see him again.

23. Pretend you enjoy his company and encourage him to shower more.

24. Keep him under a video surveillance camera while you go to the bathroom.

25. When he is winning, claim the scenario is an unbalanced dog.

26. When he is losing, claim he sucks.

27. These are the strategist's keys to victory. It is not possible to discuss them beforehand. Whatever the hell that means.

28. Now if the advice you get from your ASLML buddies before you play indicates that you don't have a clue as to what's going on, it is because you are a bloomin' idiot; if it indicates that your opponent doesn't have a chance, it is because he is Fodder for easy Ladder points. With much dice rolling, one can win; with few one cannot. You can't win unless you play. Don't take any wooden nickels. Don't talk to strangers. Wear a condom.