Brought to you LIVE from the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium, it's the
2001 Spuddy Awards!
Good evening everyone and welcome to the Spuddy Awards! And a special
welcome to my lovely and talented co-host Denise Richards! Denise, why
don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?
"Sure Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on
the ASL Mailing List over the last year. A very few awards are given
for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they
find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses,
relatives, or co-dependents!"
Thank you, Denise! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY
AWARDS, 2001!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best .sig, to Chas "6,6, 6,5 6,4 6,5, 5,5, 5,6, 6,6" Argent
Runners-Up:
Dave "the more I read this, the lamer it sounds" Schipani
Fish "going for the ultimate ignominy" Flowers
Dave "Can I fix it? No I can't" Tye
Glenn "Eat hot chocolaty death!" Connot
Darrell "more mediocre than inept" Andersen
Lee "why is it always about the size of your dice tower?"
Brimmicombe-Wood
Brien "Tryink to get reed of moose and squirrel" Martin
Mark "The Scourge of Central Ohio" Pitcavage
Dave "SS stands for Schipani Sucks" Schipani
Tom 'Oh, vengeful dice gods! Must I sacrifice another small animal to
appease thee?' Weniger
Darrell "2 time winner of the prestigious Darrell Andersen Lifetime
Achievement Award" Andersen
Mike "Gee, I'm boring" Licari
Brian "I am trying to be a sneaky bastard...but I am probably just an
idiot" Beakes
David "ASL God-Emperor of Yarmouth, Nova Scotia" Olie
Brien "if at first you don't succeed ... shoot the SOB who caused the
problem and plow ahead" Martin
Sean "Advancing vs. Difficult Rules" Deller
Lars "AFV OVR's on icy roads are more effective if you slide sidewise
against the infantry" Thuring
Wynn "Mad Magyar" Polnicky
Sam "Another blonde moment" Belcher
Brien "ASL Yoda and notary public" Martin
Steve "ASL and Baseball are very similar. Both rely on numbers, stats
and dense rules. But both are basically very simple. I'm no good
at either" Svare
Eric "not playing ASL with nude Grandmothers" Henyey
Bill "Buggered if I'll ever put my Churchill there again" Brodie
Zwz "SSR: treat all w's as o's and all z's as b's" Hwlmstrwm
Wynn "One Tough But Confused Canuck" Polnicky
Greg "Glad I'm not named after mucus" Schmittgens
Garry "aaaargh! Beaten on the first turn!" Marshall
Mark "The Other Mark Robbins" Robbins
Jeff "Don't make me spend quality time" Leslie
Mark "Mostly Italian, and afraid to use Oder Eaters lest I disappear"
Greenman
Dave "no time for a funny sig because my wife is glaring at me because
we're going to be late for her sister's birthday party because I'm
dicking around as usual" Schipani
Brian "its the second oldest story in the world: man meets girl; girl
spurns man; man gets interested in sheep; bestiality laws come into
play; man moves to Scotland to be with those of like mind" Williams
Brien "Better living through the mutilation of cardstock" Martin
Phil "this is how I remember the rule and I'm sticking to it" Palmer
Pete "in /dev/null no one can hear you scream" Belford
Bruce "It's me, right?" Kirkaldy
Big Lou "Its not a smart idea to get in touch with your feminine side
before going into a room full of undersexed men" Manios
Bob "IFT user/Pro-gun/anti-politically correct/Pro-Canada/Newbie
lover/MMP supporter/TPP supporter/non-copyright attorney/anti-PM
adherent/okay with the 'Curt Alert'/no agenda/okay with reality
arguments/non-thong owner/French are cool with me/pro-Totsugeki/
CH neutral observer/Likes: midnight walks, leggy women, hockey, and
Pete Shelling scenarios/Dislikes: ear wax, sappy movies, and
Colonics" Holmstrom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Rules Answer, to Shaun Kelley:
> A11.622 May a unit being attacked by a Nahverteidigungswaffe
> claim a TEM?
Only if the attacker can't pronounce it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Worst Groaner, to Brien Martin, for his idea on what to name
the new Finn module: "Give 'Em Helsinki"
Runner-Up, to Pete Young:
So can we possibly hope for the inclusion of "para-bunnies" in
Journal 3? Can we look forward to "Kampfgruppe at Carrotchev" or
"Rabbit Stronghold" or "Orange at Walawbunny"? Or a remake of that
old WOA classic "Farmer McGregor"? It would certainly add a new
dimension to "Subterranean Quarry".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Amatuer Flowchart, to Bob Holmstrom:
1. Is the CC hand-to-hand?
if YES, eliminate all units
if NO, put a melee marker on the stack and repeat step
1 next CC phase.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Married Man's Monthly Angst, to Rob Tyson:
> I am not going to gloom and doom, however, I just can't believe
> that it would be a "good thing" for MMP not to release AoO this year
All I can do is roll my eyes when I see this. Sure, it would be nice
of AoO came out this year. But God forbid if it does come out this
year and it has errors! Remember the Tarawa fiasco? Nothing like
rushing a product. I say give MMP the chance to get it done right.
Otherwise all you ladies will have your panties in knot, bitching and
moaning in your PMS driven rage about the fact you're bloated, that
there's no chocolate in the house, and that AoO has errors. Then we'll
get the whining about "AoO came out last week, WHERE'S THE NEXT CORE
MODULE!! BOO HOO!!"
Enough of my rambling. I'm off to find my Pamprin, my pads, and my
chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Reason to Not Hire Kent Henson, to Kent Henson:
Watching a 9-1 Leader and 3x SS 658s break on a 2+1 residual fire
attack when you are attempting to assault the blockhouse hex on the
ABtF map was little much for me. The dice flew. I felt better. I still
won the scenario. I guess I could have burned incense, banged a gong
and clapped my hands, but the energy created by lashing out at
something definitely reversed the field and got things moving again.
Kind of like how you feel after you've taken a baseball to the
windshield of your boss' car. Messy yet satisfying. And it definitely
sends a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best People Skills, to Perry Cocke:
> I sent this as a question to MMP. Their reply was that it still
> has the MA; the note about a 6FP MG applys only to the MG armament.
>
> They also seemed to think that only an idiot could possibly
> misunderstand this SSR.
I thought we did a very good job about keeping this opinion from
shining through in our response.
>
>I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one with the question. :)
>
Goodness, you are not the only idi, I mean you are not the only
customer out there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toughest Customer, to NJ Hickman:
> What? ELR 2 Italians on motorcycles attacking ELR 2 French. Oh,
> and did I mention that (since it is sort of a desert scenario)
> that surrender cannot be refused?
>
> This is bound to be a classic on the ol' Phlem-o-meter. Not only
> does it have French troops, but crappy ones to boot. And they are
> facing Italians supported by those kickin' Semoventi SPGs.
> You know the one. They have a 3 AF! Woohoo.
>
> "Variety", they say. "More of the esoteric stuff", they say.
The Semoventis don't enter by paradrop. Nor do the motorcycles enter
by glider. This isn't esoteric. This isn't variety. This is same
ol', same ol'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Thing To Do With The Old ASLRB After You've Bought The New One,
to Karl Johnson (via Consimworld):
Raid them for the page protectors and give them a Viking funeral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Thinking Outside of the Plano Box, to Scott Romanowski:
> On a related note, how do they fit all those people into a Jeep?
> Were soldiers that much smaller in WW2? Since the Jeep is armed,
> it has an inherent crew - at least two guys: one to drive and one
> to shoot the MG. And the Jeep can carry a HS in addition to the
> crew-say another 4-6 guys. So, fully loaded, 6-8 guys total.
> Plus the ancillary gear for the MG-tripod, T&E, spare barrel,
> cleaning gear. Plus ammo for the MG. Plus the soldiers' personal
> gear--individual weapons, packs, and such. Plus 3 or 4 extra cases
> of C-Rats strapped across the hood, and an extra gas can, and
> several boxes of chocolate and stockings for the mademoiselles.
> The Jeep has only got three seats; what are the rest of the guys
> doing, hanging on like the Keystone Cops?
I don't know, but it would probably be easier if they just
carried the jeep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most Thoughtful Gift For an ASL'er, to Steve Pleva:
> Took my kids to their cousin's birthday party this weekend and it
> turned out that one guest had been with the German army on the
> eastern front from 42-45 as an artillery observer for a 10.5 cm
> independent battalion.
Paul, your family is serious. Most parents get a clown or pony for
their kid's birthday party. A German vet? That's impressive...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Closest Shave With The Hoosegow, to Curt Schilling:
> Those of you that like baseball and Fantasy Baseball.
> I have started my annual league on ESPN Fantasy Baseball website.
> If you care to join then go to group Advanced Squad Leader.
> There is a cost of $29.95 to buy a team.
I am interested, though I dislike the fact that it's a felony
offense, so I'll pass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Wisdom of the Ages, to Scott Romanowski:
People that aren't able to tell the difference between the microwave
and the bathroom tend to be removed from the gene pool rather
quickly and messily.
Runner-Up, to Sam Belcher:
There are no stoopid questions. Only stoopid newbies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Followup Line to a Great Setup Visual (Randy Johnson plunking
that bird in spring training), to Brien Martin:
"This is what it looks like, when doves die"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tightest Focus On The Trees Instead of the Forest, to Jim McLeod:
> Heisann folkens, jeg og Ola spilte AP11 Swamp Cats i går, og
> det var noe av det beste ASL jeg noensinne har vært med på.
(snip remainder of Joakim Ruud's 72-line AAR of Swamp Cats, all in
Norwegian)
Very good AAR. However, please proof-read your posts a little better.
I noticed more than an acceptable amount of spelling/grammatical errors
in your AAR.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scariest Thing You Don't Want To Hear From Your Airline Pilot, to
Lyle Sisson talking about his Airbus simulator training:
They made the mistake of telling me you could not spin an Airbus
today.
They were sort of correct. It won't *recover* from a spin.
But that isn't what they had told me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Caveat to a Rules Answer, to James Maffei:
I am not a structural engineer but I did stay at an "Holiday Inn
Express" last night...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most In Need of Being Run Over By The Clue Bus, to Sam Belcher:
> Whether you love or hate baseball, whether you love or hate Curt,
> tomorrow night Curt is receiving one of the highest accolades a
> professional baseball player can receive. Curt is THE starting
> pitcher for the National League Team at the All-Star Game in
> Seattle, Washington.
I'm GOING TO THE FREAKING GAME!!!!! Whooooo!!!!! FAAAAAANNNN Tastic!
Look for me and my wife, Curt. We'll be the ones in the stands waving!
Runner-Up, to Thomas Rae:
> Like David says, we've all worked with people like that...
Not me, but I've overheard co-workers complain about some incompetent
in the office. Not sure who they mean, but the guy must be a complete
idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most Compassionate Conservatism, to Mark Greenman, giving advice
about dealing with a perennially lousy player:
If he is having fun, and not being disruptive to others enjoyment, I
say your moral obligation to bring him unto the light is fulfilled,
and he must find his own path. If not, play him for money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Reviewer's Comment on the ASLRB v2, to Bruce Probst:
In the words of a silly French k-nigget, "Itsa verra narse"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Community-Mindedness, to Wayne Hadady:
> > Hate to break it to you, but Bass is Irish too. The English
> > don't make any good beer.
>
> Excuse me? Surely you don't want to read a list several hundred
> lines long...
Before this gets ugly...
Everyone, send me 1--6 bottles of your favorites. I'll organize a
careful taste test.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Detective Work, to Paul Kenny:
> Today marks the 50th anniversary of Hitler's big mistake.
Hmm June 22, 1951, I may be a little foggy on my history but wasn't
Hitler dead by then?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Reason for Kids to Stay In School, to John Provan:
I tell you what we did with wire once or twice in the Ranger
Battalion. We 100 mph taped (aka strong duck tape) a bunch of
cardboard to the front of a newbie Private - then ran up to the
wire around the area we were attacking and threw newbie private
on top of the wire - then rest of unit proceeded to run across
the back of the Private into the battle field.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most Shocking Scandal, to Pete Shelling:
> PTO1#1 The O-Patchers By Peter Shelling:
> PTO1#2 Volckmann's Guerillas by Peter Shelling:
>
> WHAT IS THIS! Pete Shelling, the god (small g) of scenario
> designers, working for the enemy! Oh my, what is this world coming
> to! Someone take away is MMP secret decoder ring away from him
> immediately! This is not right! Unleash the hounds......."
Well, ummm, uh, That was some of my early, early work ... I was
hoping those scenarios weren't still around....I was young, naive,
and needed to pay the rent...This whole business is just awful.( sob)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Biggest Thing That Makes U Go Hmm, to Sam Belcher:
> I´m interested in selling several products of ASL of
> companies Schwerpunkt and Critical Hit.
> Schwerpunkt Volumen 2
> Volumen 3
> Volumen 4
> Volumen 5
> Critical Hit Rout Report I
> Leatherneck I
> All they are in New condition.
> Jesus.
Encouraged: Jesus plays ASL!!!
Puzzled: Jesus makes spelling errors????
Runner-Up, to Carl Alex Friis Nielsen:
Now if you really want to go into genitals you might take note
of the fact that human sperm is also one of the Danish export
successes. IIRC we currently export about 10,000 portions a year
to the UK, so if in a decade or two the inner cities of England
are full of tall blonde grey/blue eyed people with a weird crawing
for pickled herring you now know why.
Runner-Up, to Mike Rose:
> What is the age of consent in (what god forsaken state are they
> doing it in? ... ahh ...) Maryland?
Uhhh... since no one is answering this one -
It's 16.
Mike "don't ask how I know, just know that I know and let's just
leave it at that" Rose
Runner-Up, to Adam Lunney:
Maybe it is just because I watched American Beauty last night, but has
anyone thought it a bit sus that we get requests for guys who travel
across the USA to meet other guys (or groups even!) in their hotel
rooms at night?
Runner-Up, to Dan Dolan:
One word here on fantasies guys ....Buffy
Undead and lingerie. Does it get any better?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Parenting Skills, to JR Tracy:
> My point, do you, my fellow listers, believe that it is unwise to
> criticize MMP on this forum for fear of "reprisal"?
No, I just love their stuff. And, I'd like to get my daughter back,
alive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Tactics Advice, to Scott Romanowski, answering Thomas Rae:
> Him: "Is that going to generate a Specific or General
> Collateral Attack?"
> Me: "Oh, right, A.14... Uh, never mind, just keep moving."
You've just invented a new strategy: the "It Would Be Too Confusing
If You Fired At Me" maneuver.
"OK, I'm going to Human Wave these units with these amphibious tanks
using Platoon Movement. They're all going into the river -- the
Infantry is swimming. Any Defensive First Fire?"
Runner-Up, to Pete Belford, responding to Brian Beakes' question about
RB purchases:
> What would you buy and why? I have a few ideas that are different
> from the "norm". But, what do you have to say?
All you need is caskets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best ASL-Logic, to John Laplante:
> Is there anyone who can translate german to english who can tell
> me what the german soldier who stabs the american at the end of
> saving private ryan says to him while he is stabbing him?
Been out of school for a while, but I think the rough translation
would be:
"I asked you not to retake that move."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Samest Shit, Differentest Day, to Mike Hammond:
Good News! The OBA flowchart in the new RB helped a lot at Winter
War this weekend.
Bad News! Two red cards, then the inaccurate SR lands Offboard,
then the Observer gets shot through the head.
Mike "I could have used the *old* rulebook for THAT" Hammond
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Fatherly Advice, to Brian Youse:
Jeeze, I can't wait until Intro comes out to see -that- flame war.
"Why print a module that none of us need!" I've seen many of you
play. Buy it. Sam, buy two.
Runner-Up, to Louie Manios:
Never trust a scenario designer thats looking over your shoulder
saying things like "Its interesting that you did that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Rules-Related Vignette, to Bruce Probst talking about the
changes in ASLRBv2:
A20.551 "Escaped SMC are always armed." Oooo! Sneaky little
buggers, aren't they? "Good thing they never thought to check the
toes of my boots," Corporal Probst said grimly, cocking his
slightly-oderous pistol and hefting his sock full of stick grenades.
"Now it's payback time."
Runner-Up, to Scott Faulk:
MMC goes berserk on Level 1 of a building. Out the window and across
the street is the closest KEU. Without jumping out said window and
letting gravity takes it course, may the berserk squad move to a
stairwell behind him to go downstairs and charge the KEU?
In other words, to get downstairs to charge the enemy I have to move
farther away (and out of LOS) from the intended victim.
"Die you Nazi scum!! Aaargh!!!"
--"Sir which floor?"
"Oh, ground level please"
-"Your floor sir, have a nice....."
"Arrggh!!! Die you nasty kraut bastards!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Civil Engineering Pride, to Mike Reed:
The Romans would be in envy of those contraptions on our beloved
geomorphic boards. I remain fully convinced, if (God Forbid) there
ever should be a nuclear war, all that will be left are cockroaches
and ASL walls & hedges.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Attention Deficit Disorder Story, to Sam Belcher:
I also remember someone playing McGrath at ASLOK a couple of years
ago. Whoever this guy was, he places the DC and becomes Berserk
while placing it.
So, for the first time in my experience, I see a guy place a DC and
immediately charge into the location where he just placed the
explosives.
A loud boom follows in the AFPh - and IIRC everyone in the hex died.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Consolation Prize, to Mark Greenman:
WWF 6. Playing a Deluxe scenario [Brave Little Emcha's]. My Germans
had last move, and needed to snatch two buildings worth of points
away for the win. VBM freezing let me run past some defenders to grab
one of the needed buildings. The other building was swarmed by my
remaining Infantry. In the CCPh, I have a 10:1 against the only
Russian survivor, a Leader. Roll the dice, get the boxcars. CR.
Russian survives the wound. I realize about 10.25 oh-no-seconds
after I roll the dice that I should have declared HtH. I'm fairly
certain that my opponent now owes me his soul, or at least a
Starbucks Grande Latte.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Top Ten List, to John LaPlante, for "Top Ten Dork Quiz
Questions":
1. Have you ever responded to an opponent's declared action with:
"Make it so"?
2. Have you ever told that old joke about how you used to write code
when there were only 1s and 0s, and that you didn't have any 1s?
2a. Have you ever told any joke about writing code?
2b. Have you ever written code?
3. Are you more concerned that people will stumble across your video
of "Blame it on Ginger" than your copy of "Triumph of the Will"?
4. Did you go to college for 6+ years........and received more than a
Bachelors Degree?
5. Do you own any German medals?
***1,000,000,000 bonus points if you've ever worn them.
6. Do you impose rules on your children's (or nephews/nieces) Green
Army Man games?
7. Do your games contain a mandatory "X-Files Discussion Phase"?
8. Have you ever used a hokey accent during a game? "I vill fire ze
Panzer"
9. Have you ever used a hokey accent during sex? "Filthy Partizan
Girl, you vill be MEIN!!!"
10. When you meet a new opponent, are your first words "Hi, I'm John
LaPlante, glad to meet you."?
Runners-Up:
Louie Manios, for "Top Ten things I'd like to know before I go to
Winter Offensive 2001"
Wayne Hadady, for "If ASL were like a Microsoft OS..."
Rob Wolkey, for "How to recognize Sam Belcher (or just about any
American)"
Glenn Connot, for "Why the Russians kick all ass"
Mark Pitcavage, for "Top Ten Other Reasons to Like the Russians"
Dave Schipani and NJ Hickman for the "ROAR Least-Recommended Scenarios
for December with ten or more playings"
Brien Martin for "Top 10 Rejected Slogans For Intro ASL"
Louie Manios for "Top Ten Reasons I Could Beat The New York Giants in a
Game of ASL"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Cottage Industry Entrepreneurialism, to Caise Vickery:
> > As Greg and Sam point out, there are two step 9s and no step 8
> > in the FAQ.
The following is "sticky errata"
8
Please purchase AVERY sticky labels. Then print out the above errata
(1200 dpi printers are best). Then stick the above 8 over the
incorrect 9 on your screen.
Runner-Up, to Rick Noetzel:
> Please stop telling us about your breeding prowess!
How about videos?
I offer a $4.95/video package. Each video, updated every 6 weeks or
so, features 5 minutes of hot action with a live, sober, and awake
WOMAN, following 30 minutes of soul-rending begging. Twice a year
you'll receive a special bonus, either Rick's birthday or the Christmas
special, featuring twice the action but half the begging.
Not to be missed! Void where prohibited by good taste.
Runner-Up, to JR Tracy:
> I need to do some feasability studies on my latest
> invention: Juice Socks.
Juice Socks? Somebody else is working on Juice Socks?
Damn, I can never catch a break.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Suburban Angst, to Marty Snow:
> And who *wouldn't* create shellholes and blazes if they could?
> Half the fun of ASL is landscaping!
You'd love King of the Hill as the British. We began the CG with the
150mm roto-tiller and dug up all the unsightly trenches that the
previous owners had put in. The next CG date we took out most of the
woods.
We had put in an order for sod to be layed the next week, but then we
lost the campaign and had to retreat off the hill. I hope those damn
Germans got stuck with the bill!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Scenario Review, to Dave Schipani:
To Clear a Roadblock A99
Italian partisans? I'm picturing Sophia Loren with a Sten gun.
The 9-1 is her lover; he'll die in the last CCPh. Anthony Quinn is
the heroic 10-2. Only the terrible miscasting of Robert Shaw as the
German 9-1 will keep this from being a four-star blockbuster.
Forty dead partisans. One dead arrogant Prussian officer. One dead
fanatical Nazi officer. One white blouse tied in a knot under the
breasts. Panzerschreck Fu, Minefield Fu, AT Gun Fu, OBA Fu. Joe Bob
says check it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Geopolitical Theory Applied To ASL, to JR Tracy in his AAR of
Seregelyes Slug-Out:
Meanwhile, on board 41, we had lots of dead HTs, some captured 548s,
and the meanest German platoon in Hungary. These guys were pinned
against the board edge but every time I fired at them, they generated
a hero. I finally decided a containment policy was in order - trying
to kill them was just too dangerous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Gratuitous Idaho Slam, to Pete Belford:
A State Slogan:
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Are Real Good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Priorities In Order, to Paul Kenny:
Jeff Miller, one of my regular pardners recently got in a car accident
and broke his arm and leg! Ran his car into a truck that was stopped
across a back country road. The good news is though he is confined to
a bed and can do some serious ASL playing! :O) Better news is the drugs
in his system give me a chance to compete!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most Tenacious Grip on the Moral High Ground, to Terry Ward:
I again raise the question of deciding whether a building is grey or
brown. Can anyone steer me in the right direction? I am particularly
interested in the buildings on board 7.
Normally this would not concern me - I would just agree with my
opponent and then blame my subsequent loss on the decision. In the
current case, however, I am playing a solitaire game and suspect the
bastard is cheating - I am not prepared to concede an inch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most TENUOUS Grip on the Moral High Ground, to Pete Belford:
> My wife, Lu Ann, collects pins. Disney pins. She loves 'em.
> Right now, she's collecting some 100-pin collection.
WHAT A WIERD HOBBY! Glad I'm not into anything like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Non-Sequitur, to Joakim Ruud:
My own favourite Finnish War joke.
Pekka and Kari were travelling Europe in 1945, causing mayhem wherever
they went. One weekend they wound up in a town called Dresden and
startedpartying like only Finns can. During the night Allied Bomber
Command paid a visit. Kari woke up the next morning, took a look out
the window and exclaimed: "Pekka, den här festen tror jag inte vi
klarar av att betala!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Righteous Indignation, to Glenn Connot:
> Well, it's really quite simple;
>
> ¥ø¨ *¨ßÝ Ý¥*´ Ý·´ ç·å®åçÝ´®ß ¥ø¨ *ø¨* ˜˜ø®µå¥,
> *¨¨Ý, ¥ø¨ ·ø* *ø*˜ Ý·´ åÝ/ø*݈ø˜ °´´¥.
>
> Easy enough!
My mother has done nothing of the sort! And certainly not with a
Swedish reindeer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Wisdom of the Ages, to Lou Manios:
In these stressful chaotic times, its nice to immerse oneself in the
things that never change; that are eternal and constant. So I
recommend everyone rent a porno movie over the coming week. It's
comforting to know that people with plastic parts, loose morals, and
bad taste in Yanni music are still having simulated sex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Guy Thing, to Brian Williams:
> Put in terms American gamers will understand, it is like Batman
> being killed by the Joker!
But Batman was killed by the Joker in Detective Comics #214! Dude that
issue is key to understanding the complexities of their relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Poem, to Paul Ferraro, for his take on "Twas the night before
Christmas" (excerpted):
Twas the night before Christmas
and in every house,
there was nary a whine,
not even from Youse.
All the counters were stacked,
by the game table with care,
in hopes that some campaign game,
would soon begin there.
Yes, me with The Rule Book,
Mum in her cap,
Had just settled down,
me to read, her to nap.
Runner-Up, to Scott Faulk for HIS take on the same material :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have a three-way tie for Best Song. First, to Mark Pitcavage, for
"BACK AT ASLOK" (to the tune of "Back in the USSR")
Drove in from West Yellow Snow, Tennessee,
Didn't get to bed last night--
My Plano trays spilled all over my SUV
Man, it was a dreadful sight.
I'm back at ASLOK
I can't believe you got rate, man,
Back at ASLOK.
Next, to Fish Flowers, for "NKVD: Sung to the tune of "YMCA":
Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's some things you should know
I said, young man, when you're ready to go
You can run there, and I'm sure you will find
Many men who will kill on a dime
It's fun to play with the N.K.V.D.
It's fun to play with the N.K.V.D.
They have all the guns, and they really enjoy
Keeping watch on all the boys
Lastly, to Brien Martin, for "A Rumble Oddity ... with apologies to
David Bowie"
P-L Bob to Major Tom
P-L Bob to Major Tom
Grab some Cheetos, man, and open Chapter D
P-L Bob to Major Tom
Rumble's starting, e-mail's on
Check for wind change, may the dice gods be with you
Runners-Up:
Keith Dalton, for "Scenario Attacker's Lament"
Steven Linton, for "The Faust Roll"
Pete Belford, for that whole Police Do ASL thing, including
"Don't Place that DC on Me", "Every Move you Make, and "Can't Stand
Losing to You"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The category of Best Story or Extended Bit of Fluff was the most hotly
contested one EVER, with no less than nine unbelievably good entries.
Fortunately, Dave Schipani and Bruce Probst provided two of the
funniest EBF's I've ever read. With genuine regrets that space does
not permit reprinting them in full:
Dave Schipani's "Italian Supply Depot Sketch":
[Scene: an Italian supply depot in East Africa]
CAPTAIN: Good morning, Sergeant.
SUPPLY SERGEANT: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Supply Depot.
CAPTAIN: Ah, thank you, my good man.
SERGEANT: What can I do for you, Sir?
CAPTAIN: Well, we're in a bit of a tussle with the Tommies, and
suddenly we felt a bit ammunition-deficient, so I curtailed our
tactical activities, sallied forth, and "infiltrated" your place of
re-supply to negotiate the issuance of some fiery combustibles.
SERGEANT: Come again?
CAPTAIN: I want to get some bullets.
SERGEANT: Oh, I thought you were complaining about a bazooka firer!
CAPTAIN: Oh, heaven forbid. The Americans haven't entered the war yet.
SERGEANT: Ah, yes. And what kind of ammo would you like?
CAPTAIN: Well, how about a little 6.5mm Carcano?
SERGEANT: I'm afraid we're fresh out of 6.5mm Carcano, Sir.
CAPTAIN: Oh, well, never mind, how are you on 8mm Breda?
SERGEANT: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Sir, we
get it fresh on Monday.
CAPTAIN: Tish, tish, no matter. Well, stout yeoman, forty bandoliers of
7.35mm M38, if you please.
SERGEANT: Ah! It's been on order, Sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it
this morning.
CAPTAIN: It's not my lucky day, is it? Ah, 81mm?
SERGEANT: Sorry, Sir.
CAPTAIN: 9mm Corto?
SERGEANT: Normally, Sir, yes. Today the truck broke down.
CAPTAIN: Ah, 20mm?
SERGEANT: Sorry.
CAPTAIN: Any 9mm Glisenti, perchance?
SERGEANT: No.
CAPTAIN: 37mm...?
SERGEANT: No.
CAPTAIN: 65mm...?
SERGEANT: No.
CAPTAIN: 47mm, 75mm...?
SERGEANT: No.
CAPTAIN: 7.65mm...?
SERGEANT: No.
CAPTAIN: 7.35mm Breda, perhaps...?
SERGEANT: Ah! We have 7.35mm Breda, yes, Sir!
CAPTAIN: (surprised) You do! Excellent!
SERGEANT: Yessir! It's, ah, it's a bit tarnished...
CAPTAIN: Oh, I don't mind it tarnished.
SERGEANT: Well, it's very green, actually, Sir.
CAPTAIN: No matter. Fetch hither le munizioni di Bella Breda!
SERGEANT: I think it's a bit more corroded than you'll like it, Sir.
CAPTAIN: I don't care how excrementally corroded it is, hand it over
with all speed.
SERGEANT: (looking) Ooooooooooh...
CAPTAIN: What now?
SERGEANT: The Ethiopians have stolen it.
CAPTAIN: Have they...
Bruce Probst's "The Adventures of Sgt. Rock in the 3rd Dimension":
At tonight's Army Group South meeting I played AP4, "L'Abbaye Blanche".
I took the US.
Aside from being a generally fruity scenario to begin with, I was
blessed with the sort of dice rolls you normally have to sell your soul
to Satan to obtain. Nothing epitomised the event like the adventures
of Rock, as chronicled below.
Rock was spawned from my Elite US HS. ("But there aren't any Elite HS
in that scenario!" you may be wondering. Ho ho, not to begin with
there weren't! A few 2MC results from passing SS squads soon fixed
that, though.) As such things naturally progress, the same Elite HS,
immediately after giving birth to Rock, rolled a Casualty MC on a NMC
result, leaving their sole possession, a MMG, to fall into Rock's
capable hands. That's OK; he's a Hero, and now it's Payback Time.
Clearly this worried the Germans. First they attempted to Assault Move
a squad into a stone building location next to Rock. A few well-aimed
economical bursts soon sent them running like the whipped curs they
were. So the Germans pulled out the big guns, and sent one of their
awesome SPW 251/9 hts to deal with the lanky Yank.
First Rock tried to outright kill the HT; alas, despite several well-
aimed hits, the bullets kept bouncing off the titanium-reinforced hull.
In desperation he fired a belt's worth of ammo at the HT driver;
unfortunately the sole effect of this was to make the Nazi bastard
tighten his helmet chinstrap...
Rock grimaced. Clearly these square-heads were serious hombres.
The Death Machine lumbered forward, firing round after round into
Rock's position. He smirked as he chewed on his stogie, ignoring the
blasts. [The HT's OVR has no effect whatsoever.] They might be tough,
but these Nazis can't shoot straight worth a damn. This will be easier
than wrestling alligators, he thought.
Time to get unconventional; quickly pulling out his jock strap, he
attached it to the end of the MG barrel and started using it to fling
grenades into the open aperture of the Nazi Machine From Hell.
Beginning to become perturbed by this Death-defying Defender of
Democracy, the HT crew swung the vehicle around in a desperate bid to
find somewhere safe to park where they could shoot at the American from
what they thought was a safe distance. [Having survived the OVR, Rock's
multiple FPF CC RF attacks on the HT begin to make it feel unwanted.
It spins around a couple of hexsides and exits.]
The cowards were running away! Laughing maniacally, Rock wrapped his
jocks around his head, reloaded the MG and just "floored" it.
Suddenly, the Arcane Automaton swung around, its deadly gun barrel
aimed squarely at Rock's manly chest! [Having entered the next hex,
the HT begins receiving more FPF abuse from Rock, continuing to fire
the MG crazily. The HT turns 180 degrees, clearly intending to write
Rock a Telegram of Doom in the next available Fire Phase.]
Rock finally blew the HT driver's head clean off with a burst of
precision marksmanship. [Finally, after enduring something like a
*dozen* FPF attacks of various forms from Rock and his MMG, the HT crew
blows a MC on the last possible attack and is Stunned.]
Coolly lighting up a new stogie, Rock placed the MG back on its tripod,
set up a new belt of ammo and preceded to carefully aim at the engine
block of the HT. It was only after pressing the trigger several times
with no result that he realised the MG barrel had wilted like a young
sapling in the Mohave desert heat. [In the immediately following PFPh,
Rock fires the MG as ordnance at the adjacent, BU, stopped HT, and,
naturally, rolls a 12 TH.]
God DAMN it! What sort of cheap crap were the army making their guns
out of these days?! Then, out of the corner of his eye, Rock noticed
his company commander, Captain Anonymous, making advancing motions
towards the crippled chariot of chaos. Heh, thought Rock, the Captain
may be a wuss, but he knows how to party. Time to make these krauts
*really* sour. [The 9-1 and Rock advance into the BU, OT, stationary
and completely-lacking-in-MGs HT location. That's 2 x SMC @ -1
leadership, -1 hero, -2 OT, -1 no usable MG. I'd call those acceptable
odds.]
Rock calmly lobbed a jockstrap-bundled parcel of explosive joy into the
top of the enemy engine of evil. For a moment nothing happened. Then
a small hatch opened in the side of the Krautmobile and, to the
astonishment of the two Americans, Rock's Jocks were hastily pushed
out, got tangled up in the tracks, and the resulting blast caused
nothing more than a wheel to fall off with a poignantly-empty "boink"
noise. Then, all was quiet, except for the pitter-patter of various SS
soldiers skipping hand-in-hand down the road. Grimly, the two Americans
hunkered down by the side of the hedgerow. Clearly, it was going to be
a long, long war.
Runners-Up:
Brian Youse, for his rant on "JR Tracy's Evil Ways"
Lee Brimmicombe-Wood, for "Momotaro's Divine Sea Heroes"
Wayne Hadady, for "Physics of ASL"
Sam Belcher, for "Forward Observers"
Bruce Probst, for "New Q for you (long, and yet stupid)"
Caise Vickery, for "The Newbie FAQ for ASLML Posting"
Jim McLeod, for "Philately, trans-Atlantic Invasion ... longer than
the voyage itself"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best ASL Nursery Rhyme, to Scott Faulk:
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Saw a Sherman drive by
Nailed it with a 'schrek.
Blew it all to heck.
And said, "what a good landser am I!".
Runner-Up, to Brien Martin:
This little HS went to the Marketplace
This little HS stayed HIP
This little HS assault moved
This little HS got pinned
And this little HS rolled HOB and went URRRRRAHHHHHH!!!
all the way home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Hard-Earned Wisdom, to Bruce Probst:
> Sorry, not getting the significance of this event:
> don't =all= FT attacks roll 10s (or above)?
> I know mine do.
Not at all. Sometimes you roll 2's and 3's and burn down the victory
building you were trying to occupy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Tangent To Nowhere, to Paul Ferraro:
> A 9-1 with a DC and an 8-3-8 move together, adjacent to a Soviet-
> occupied building. Doing so brings them to 5 total MF spent so far.
This is fine, but what do they see? Did they all eat breakfast?
What is the makeup of the squad? What is their homelife like? How
many steps are in their house?
Runner-Up, to Pete Shelling:
> Scenario J53 "Setting the Stage": BPSSRs apply (see page 60); in
> Victory Conditions replace "33G6" with "33GG6"
This should be followed with: (EXC: cloaked Romulan Starpanzers may
exit via the G6 wormhole location if using Platoon movement.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Travel Tip, to Tom Weniger, talking about his native Canada:
It helps if you like the following:
- Pierre Trudeau (the worst socialist that ran the place);
- winter;
- Liberals;
- winter;
- taxes;
- winter;
- hockey;
- winter;
- blackfly hunting;
- winter; and
- beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Followup to a Great Setup Line, to Brien Martin:
> BTW, folks. Everything your mother warned you about staying with
> strangers you met via the internet is TRUE!!
IOW, the last thing you remember was having a drink at the bar with
Lee and when you woke up, you were in the bathtub, covered in ice,
reading a note about how your kidney had been removed?
Runner-Up, to Dave Schipani:
> ASL or Victoria's Secret Lingerie Special?
> Yep, that's a toughie.
Think synergy, baby. Play in lingerie.
Runner-Up, to Dave Schipani again, responding to Sam Belcher and Lee
Brimmicombe-Wood's "two guys out at the movies" review of Enemy at
the Gates:
>Sam and Lee say... Two thumbs up.
must...resist... too...easy... GAAAAAHHH!!!
Runner-Up, to NJ Hickman:
> The ASL market has many faucets.
Well, that certainly explains all the drips we have on the list.
Runner-Up, to Dave Schipani AGAIN:
> SASL is to ASL; as masturbation is to sex with a partner.
So, it's better?
Runner-Up, to Perry Cocke:
> Well, I do not have the data handy for the takeoff roll of a
> laden B17.
Is that a European B-17? Or an African B-17?
Runner-Up, to Pete Belford:
> Been there, done that, kicked Youse's butt.
Double large target?
Runner-Up, to Mark Pitcavage responding to Charlie Kibler:
> For a long time we had a car that whose tags read, "Berserk"
> (even got my wife out a ticket once as she tried to explain
> that it wasn't *she* that the tag was about!).
The plates gave Kibler & company four extra miles per hour and
increased morale, but the required close combat at the destination
was a real bitch.
Runner-Up, to Wayne Hadady:
> Hypothetical stuff aside, did the Thais see any action in WW II?
Outside of port, right?
Runner-Up, to Curt Schilling:
> What does Hakkaa Paalle mean in in English?
I think it translates roughly to:
"You can't be serious about actually invading our country can you?
Because no matter how many men, tanks, and Guns you send, no matter
how many planes you sortie, at the end of the day you'll have to
take your ball and go home like the beaten red-headed step children
you will be."
Or something to that effect.
Runner-Up, to Rob Tyson:
> I rolled two snakes caused a surrender and a battle hard on.
That could cause one to ask "Is that a Panzerfaust in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?"
Runner-Up, to Bob O'Connor:
> It seems (in my playings anyway) that the Russian get beaten off
> a lot of the time!
Not touching that one with a 9 inch pole.
Runner-Up, to Bruce Probst:
>Seems you European guys are chewing up major quantities of Rulebooks!
Well, it's not like it's safe to eat the beef there.
Runner-Up, to Dave Schipani responding to Phil Pomerantz talking
about the Israelis in Jerusalem in '48:
> They also used a large version of the Davidka mortar to lob
> supplies over the wall
>
> I think you could get a jeep down the streets
Damn. Must've been one hell of a mortar. And jeep.
Runner-Up, to Steve Crowley:
> Looks like it's going to be too cold for golf this Sunday, so I am
> available from 0600-1100 CST Sunday morning if any of you wants to
> abuse me.
Errr - wrong list mate.
Runner-Up, to Rick Noetzel:
> I'm still working on it, but I must confess that I still find
> myself in turn four with no clue as to what I'm doing.
>
> Sam "Never Give Up" Belcher
You're usually picking up the counters and congratulating your
opponent on his win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Peek into the ASLRBv2 Proofing Process, to Brien Martin:
> At the top of ASOP it says "however, inconsequential violations of
> sequence should be tolerated in the spirit of good sportsmanship".
A little known proofreading "fact":
That used to read:
"however, inconsequential violations of sequence should be punished
with a very violent bitch-slap"
We were, in the end, overruled :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Paranoia, to Sam Belcher:
> Talkin' about weird!!
> Playing RB5 - "The Last Bid" last night.
> I fired on a stack of Germans - 1 leader, and 2 squads, resulting
> in a MC. My opponent rolled my SAN on ALL 3 MC DR's, and I rolled
> a "1" on ALL my sniper check dr's.
> It ended up that I killed three leaders!! Two 8-0's and one 10-2!!
> How's that for bizarre???!!!!
Were you playing me???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Caffeine-Induced Rallying Cry, to Scott Stewart:
> Not too hot, not too cold. One state (Oregon) buffer zone between
> us and California.
I had never viewed Oregon as a "Lebensraum" state before, but I can
see how we'd appear that way to Washington. :)
Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Starbücks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Movie Review, to Mark De Vries:
The following movie review is for all ASL players in general, and for
Randy, Darrrel and Scott in Iowa in particular (and I'll add Neil in
Aussie land and Chas in Deutschland). The movie in question is Pearl
Harbor, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and by some subsidiary of Disney.
Ahem..
Bark bark bark bark bark. Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark
bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark
bark bark. BARK BARK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Deductive Logic Concerning The Nature of the Dice Gods, to
Scott Romanowski:
Hmmm, a "formidable karmic force" of yours has "gone south", yet you
can fool it by switching dice. From all these reports, if there is
some powerful force out there, it's not out to get ASL players, it's
out to get dice!
Think about it. Dice get crushed, melted, flung across rooms, flung
from high places, smashed, and thrown out. ASL players lose
scenarios and/or get depressed, but they remain uninjured.
Does this make sense? A great powerful force that is rewarded by the
destruction of plastic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best Non-ASL But Still Funny Forwarded Post, to Dave van Kan:
The Navy has announced that for the first time in forty-five years
they will be presenting the Chester Nimitz award to a member of the
U. S. Pacific Fleet. The Chester Nimitz award was established in 1942
and is presented annually to the United States Navy submarine that
sinks the most Japanese tonnage in any one calendar year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONCE AGAIN we come to the climax of the evening, the moment we've all
been waiting for... the award for Best Post. This time out we have
seven Runners-Up in addition to our Grand Champion. The envelopes,
please...
Seventh Runner-Up, to Dennis Hess:
I ordered one of everything I saw on the Victoria's Secret {Lingerie}
show. I had to send the lingere back because they were empty when they
showed up.
Sixth Runner-Up, to Rob Wolkey:
> I don't think we've ever compiled a list of when free LOS checks
> are allowed...
When your opponent leaves the room.
Fifth Runner-Up, to Glenn Connot:
Tournaments are places where players go to bolster the W/L record of
other people who already have a good W/L record.
Fourth Runner-Up, to Dave Schipani:
> Like the fantasy-porno manga Trip Trap Trooper, about two Japanese
> teenage lesbian nymphomanics and a vampire bunny rabbit at the front
> in the 1940 Russo-Finnish War.
Obviously their marketing department was aiming for the key demographic
of "34-year-old college-educated Italian/American males who live in
Maine."
Third Runner-Up, to Rick Noetzel:
> Spent 3 days on a Disney Cruise with Strep Throat and the Flu...
Is it me or has the quality of Disney characters gone way downhill?
Second Runner-Up, to Charlie Hamiliton, replying to Rob Seulowitz:
> I will enjoy the company of my amazing and apparently pregnant wife.
Congrats on the impending baby. Who's the father?
First Runner-Up, to Louie Manios:
When I was 13 I played "Risk". I wanted to conquer the world.
When I was 16 I played "War and Peace". I wanted to conquer Europe.
When I was 17 I played "Russian Campaign". I wanted to conquer Russia.
When I was 18 I played "Battle of the Bulge". I wanted to break
through into Belgium.
When I was 19 I played "Panzer Leader". I wanted to conquer Hill 268.
Now at 34, I play ASL. All I want to do is cross the damn street
without getting my head blown off.
A hush comes over the audience. And a drum roll, please!
Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada….
And the Spuddy Award For Best Post of 2001 GOES TO:
BINYAMIN JONES talking about the Genesis '48 map:
I was discussing the battle with the Israeli guys and one of them
offered me some advice on opening moves: "take these spots of land,
here, here and here - in 50 years they'll be worth millions"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(cue Alicia Keyes and the NBC Orchestra playing "Fallin'")
Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 2001 Congratulations to the
winners and especially Binyamin! Along with my co-host Denise Richards,
goodbye from the Civic Auditorium in Idaho Falls, drive safe everybody
and roll low!