Tuomoland

1995a Spuddy Awards

Well, 1995 is halfway over and it's time to present the Spuddy Awards in recognition of the Best of the Net for the first half of the year. These awards recognize the best (and sometimes worst) remarks made by our readership during the first six months of 1995. A very few of these comments were made during private email, but hey, we reward gems wherever we find 'em, except when made by the judges themselves. And with no further ado, the Spuddy Winners for Jan-June are:

Best Entry in the Neverending Marine vs Paratrooper Penis Length Debate, from John Appel:

"Actually, some Marines CAN read. Here's the rank structure:
Gunny + : can read AND write
Staff Sergeant: Can read OR write
Sergeant: Knows someone who can read or write
Corporal: Has the Marine Corps Hymn on his "Hooked on Phonics" tape
Lance Corporal: Is lucky that PT is spelled phonetically

Best Scenario Idea, from Rob Lyon:

"Operation Barbarossa: The First Two Minutes - A one turn scenario in which 25 Panzers and 40 trucks laden with German infantry must drive east across half-board 4 defended by 3 Russian 436's and a 6+1, ignoring resistance if possible. The Russian player gets to move first, but it doesn't help - the German gets 3 Stukas at scenario start! An attention getter at tournaments!"

Runner Up, from Tim Van Sant:

"Lt. Sisyphus' Last Try - VC require Greek SMC to manhandle a Goliath up a level 1 slope (original DR < 2 required for success)"

Best Scenario Balance Idea, from John Appel talking about the Tapio-Pleva championship match at Summer Wars:

"They also turned down my suggestion to bid the balance in numbers of beers shotgunned before playing. "I'll take the Americans if you'll do two Buds."

Best Tactics Tip, from J.R. Tracy:

"We tried another TOT scenario last night, Beat Feet to Foy.... From a 'fun' standpoint, this one suffers from the German standpoint as a small force is whittled down to next to nothing, so the endgame is spent watching the Amis and hoping they screw up. My suggestion is to offer double shots of tequila to the American half-way through turn four, so he is screwing up hex-counts by turn five."

Runner Up, also from J.R. Tracy describing his Summer Wars contest against Brian Youse:

"On the last player turn I made a 'V' with my fingers and jabbed Brian in the eyes during the Prep Fire phase; while he was stunned and blinded I launched two separate multi-hex Banzai charges, and by the time he recovered my boys were right on top of him."

Worst Initial Impression of Brian Youse, from Tom Huntington:

"Had the pleasure of meeting Brian Youse last week -- seems while his computer is digging its way to Japan (wonder if THAT caused the quake) he's touring Colorado. Needless to say, he held me by the ears and beheaded me in a scenario. Hmm. Didn't realize infantry could DO that. I began to worry when I realized he'd memorized the IFT. That was turn 1."

Best Preparation for Brian Youse, from Stephen Frum's description of the "Chicago-Style Welcome" for the east-coast heavy hitters attending the Windy City Wargamers convention:

"We have 88L AA guns at both airports (I cannot reveal how many) we also have purchased daisy chain AT mines for use on most major roads. Finally we've rigged the rooms with lots of tasks so when they make TC rolls of 11 or 12 the booby traps we're purchased will wipe them out. Actually only members of the WCW will be alive to play in the tournament, we just wanted to advertise the tourney so we look like big shots."

Best Rules Debate Comment, from Patrik Manlig:

"The concealment was never lost in the first place, so there's nothing to (not) prevent."

First Runner Up, from Ole Boe:

"This is fun. I have just discovered that several of the Gun rules _NEVER_ come into effect."

Second Runner Up, from Patrik Manlig:

"I saw lots of other posters that seems to have mixed up 'moving' and 'moving', so I won't comment each of those in order to save some bandwidth."

Most True Comment About Kids, from Dave Ripton responding to someone's question about how to make dice-rolling towers:

"I think making your own out of Lego is pretty easy, assuming you have some Lego lying around. (It's incredibly expensive.) To find Lego, walk barefoot in any house with children.

Best Dice-Rolling Scheme, from Fritz Tichy:

"Well, we throw the dice out of the window and since we play on the third floor, there is really no cheating possible. Also this makes no noise (if you avoid to hit passers-by or expensive cars. We have two children on the sidewalk that tell us the numbers showing on the dice per wireless receiver, + two children as witnesses (to avoid corruption)."

Best Slam on Idaho, from Paul Ferraro:

"You may discover new opponents for FTF play (I sure have) if you include the city/state/small independent nation (eg. Idaho, which seceded from the USA in 1937. No one noticed.) as part of your signature."

Runner-Up , from Michael Black:

"I don't mind interpretations and opinions, but forcing me to play the game the same way some potato farmer in Idajo does is wrong."

Best Follow-Through on a Great Set-Up Line, from Michael Black with the assist on the set-up to Rob Wolkey:

" Someone might complain that many players are not AREA rated, but SO WHAT! What other measurement is there for ASL players? I would say penis length, but Carl will probably get in trouble and lose his job. OOOPS. How about selecting the top five guys who can pack their game into the smallest space. You gotta be damn smart, an engineer maybe, to figure out how to get this beast into carry-on.

Damn smart."

Best Case of Warped Perspective, from Rusty Witek responding to someone's comment about ASL:

"> It [ASL] is after all only a game.

Can anybody else vouch for this? I've heard people say it, but I can't find it in the ASLRB *anywhere*! Maybe it's a 'Macsez'..."

Best Comment on Current Events, from Jeffrey Allen on the guy who commandeered that M-60 tank from the San Diego National Guard:

"> I don't remember the 'gun pointing backwards' modifier

He never got to fire it. Just let em do several dozen Over runs. No mg's and no main gun. Simply tank meets car..... meets car.... meets car.... meets car....the ocasional squad car meets car....meets car... meets car.... maybe an RV or two... etc...."

Best .sig, from Alan Bills in a somewhat muddled post renouncing his earlier comments on Bocage:

"Alan 'No wonder I don't post' Bills"

Runner Up , from Michael Black:

"Michael Black
Self-Proclaimed King
aka Fungus Boy"

Biggest Groaner, from Paul Ferraro during the interminable woods-gully bypass debate:

"How many gullies could a woods bypasser bypass if a woods bypasser could bypass woods (in a gully)?"

Runner Up , with Oak Leaf Clusters for Musical Aptitude (we'll give it an 85), for Tim Hundsdorfer's epic tune:

"To the tune of 'Wooly Booly' (such as it is)
(verses deleted)

Ohhhhhh
Ole Boe
Ole Boe, Ole Boe, Ole Boe"

Best Worst Luck, from Fritz Tichy:

"He had three T34 left, and decided to get one into the building hex to harrass me when I would cross the street. But: It fell into the cellar. The whinometer went up to the end of the scale. Next T34 into the hex - down into the cellar! Now this startled me - the whinometer broke. Third T34 stubbornly driven into the building - guess what?? BINGO! - ASL Nirvana on the table, NO further whining when we both stared onto the playing map seeing the third steel monster vanishing in the basement. A friend that sat nearby looking, got the final joke: He told my friend to write a Q&A letter: How many T34 will fill up cellar?"

Most Revealing Comment, by Jeff Shields, giving recommendations on tourist sites in the Washington DC area: "Must see: US Holocaust Memorial Museum (depressing, but fascinating; one of the best museums around. About 2 blocks from the Smithsonian 'castle.' The Zoo is a must see if you have children. I highly recommend the Invertebrate House but then I'm partial to spineless creatures."

The category of Best Story was particularly hotly contested this year, with worthy candidates being posted nearly every week. In the midst of all this confusion, we can only throw up our hands and do what we can, giving short excerpts from three Excellent ones and Honorable Mentions to several others, noting that all of these could be voted #1.

Best Story, from Tim Hundsdorfer's "Women and ASL":

My face turns red. I turn to my wife: "How can you spend 45 minutes looking for a specific 7-0 and not get out the right Panther?"
"D, G, what's the difference? Stop being a baby and conduct your overrun. It could have worked out in your favor. I could have pulled something better," she said, tossing her hair.
"What's better than a Panther G?" I muttered.
"I think Char 1B's are cute." She said.
"You would. One of the few things ever built with a bigger butt than your mother." I mumble.
"What was that?"

Best Story, from Rodney Kinney's "Larry King Tiger Live":

This is Am Talk Radio KASL, with your host tonight: Larry King Tiger!
Hello. My guest tonight is Bick Onanon. His new book, "Bocage, Bocage, Bocage: vol. 4". We go straight to your calls. Hello, Cambridge, Ohio.
Hello. I'm a longtime fan of yours, Larry, and also of Mr. Onanon's. My question is: Does the use of the word "other" in the first sentence of B9.55 imply the negation of the provisions of the previous clause with respect to concealment gain?
Well, as I've stated in volumes 1 through 3 of this series, the word "other" can have as many as twelve different meanings, which I like to remember by the use of the following little song: [ ... next half hour of discussion mercifully deleted ...] as in the relationship between element 'd' in Table 6 and the 4th through 6th items in the List of Implicit Logical Euphemisms.

Best Story, from John Appel's vignette explaining his failure to achieve PPP access for Winter Offensive:

SCENE: a dank, ill-lit dungeon in a place resembling Idaho...
(deletia)
HOOD: Well, John, you'll have to be punished. (Raises the M:tG book to read again)
CHAINED: NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT MAGIC!
HOOD: (Lowering book) Well, death is too clean an end for you. Hmm... I think I have it!

You'll have to play a scenario with Radioless AFVs.
Italian Radioless AFVs.
With Inexperienced Crews.
In the Desert.
In 1940.
Versus JR van Mechlen!
CHAINED: ARRRRGH!

Best Story , Honorable Mentions:

Rodney Kinney, for "ASL Boot Camp" and "Recent Con AAR"
Dave van Kan, for "Why Marines have ML 8 -- Really!"
Tim Hundsdorfer, for "Rules Deliberative Body"
Brent Pollock, for "The Three Little Half-Squads"
Rusty Witek, for "Not A Trivia Question Nor Yet A Real Question, But A Quibble"
Tom Huntington, for "Yankovic blues" (actually more of a song, but hey)

Best Poetry, from Rodney Kinney, again excerpted for brevity:: Beware, beware the beast will rise; slithering on its belly; like an assault-moving Pioneer; ...; Do not seek his comfort; in the final coming there will be great suffering; like a 10,000 turn Stalingrad scenario; When Michael wields his flaming Crocodile; swarms of Russian conscripts will pour down from above; snipers will roll only 1's; LLMC will fail; repair dr will suffer +5 drm; Extreme Winter will be effect; and Intense Heat Haze; there will be no obstacles to block LOS; there will be no Rally terrain; Beware; Read the Victory Conditions; very; carefully

AND NOW we come to the CLIMAX of the evening, the award for Best Post. The winner of the Best Post Award earns the right to attach the snazzy "Best Post, 1995a" tag line to his .sig, thereby ensuring respect from one and all even when asking about counter storage. This time around, we have a winner and a Runner-Up:

Best Post, Runner-Up, from Richard Cornwell:

The Tank museum in Bovington in Dorset is the Royal Armoured Corps museum and has an excellent collection of AFVs from all periods, but especially WW2, including all of the big German tanks. Be careful where you park though. After the Gulf War they were adding an Iraqi T72 to the collection when they lost control over it and ran over 6 cars in the car park! Can you imagine the reaction of the claims clerk at the insurance company?
"Your car was run over by an Iraqi tank? In Dorset???"

And the moment we've all been waiting for. A hush goes over the audience.... And a drum roll please......

THE SPUDDY AWARD FOR THE BEST POST OF 1995a GOES TO:

BRUCE PROBST , describing his first tourney experience:

"And that was that. I ended up fairly middle-of-the-pack in terms of the competition itself, and I have no complaints about that.
Overall, it was almost better than sex, and probably more tiring."

(cue the uplifting music)

Well, that's all for the 1995a Spuddy Awards, congratulations to Bruce and the rest of the winners, we hope you all had a great time, drive carefully everybody and good night!