My co-host this year is the lovely Heather Locklear! Welcome Heather, my don't you look stunning this evening. Why don't you explain the rules to the folks at home?

"I'd love to, Bob. These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL list during the latter half of 1995. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Heather! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1995B!

I'm looking for an e-mail opponent for Solitaire ASL. Anyone interested?

** Close Order Driel ** ... This one's got Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski entering late on a _ladies_bicycle_! (Hey, I couldn't make that up!)

** Forgotten Years ** ... Ethiopians defending with LMGs, ATR, and _Fanatic_Camel_Cavalry_! (Yes, I typed that correctly!)

Playing a FTF game last night of "Holding The Rear". The Germans get 4 MkIVH tanks. Reasonably wisely, my opponent decided to use his tanks to overrun my poor helpless Americans.

First tank rolls up into hex, declares OVR: rolls a 12. Malfs his MS and his BMG. He's a bit grumpy but, ya know, that's how it goes. Next turn, he picks another tank, trundles up to another hex and again declares an OVR. Rolls a 12. Malfs the MA and the BMG.

I'm rolling on the floor by this point, he's getting even grumpier, but gamely he presses on. Third tank picks a target, trundles up and declares an OVR. You guessed it. Again, he rolls a 12. Just for variety, he malfs his MA, BMG *and* the CMG.

I stopped laughing - I couldn't believe it. I think we were both in a state of shock. The fourth tank decided, probably wisely, that it didn't want to go anywhere near the Americans ...

What are the odds? He did a rough calculation and figured it to be something like 1 in 70 million, or considerably less likely than being the sole winner of a jackpot lotto .

Playing Wintergewitter last night I had wiped out the Russian infantry, immobilized one T34 (outside the victory area), one T34 had broken MA so I only had to eliminate the last T34. The PzIIIN got 2 HEAT rounds into its rear armour (8 TK number), no effect and then broke its own MA :-). My remaining PzIV hit him 4 times from 1 hex range (8TK) over 2 turns with no effect except for a shock which he immediately recovered from. Then finally the 9-2 leader with a squad and miscellaneous crews and HS jumped on him (8 CC plus others) all with no effect. The T34 survived and won the scenario. I wish my Russian tanks were as tough as this :-)

Just finished playing North Bank...and what a strange and bizzare scenario it was. During the same DFPh my opponent fired with one of his King Tigers...boxcars. Moves to the other...boxcars! Next turn repair...six! Other King Tiger MA stays busted for several turns before meeting its demise from a side shot (hidden) 57L point blank. The other King Tiger later rolled a '12' while firing its bmg and cmg at the same hex. Then he rolled doubles on random selection. Later he rolls 6's on the repair attempts. At the end his remaining King Tiger had only the aamg operating.

Also in this game I believe I had 5 snake eyes that were for heat of battle alone. In one case my 10-3 rolled '2' on a MC...resulting HoB was hero _and_ battle hardening. Suddenly I had a fanatic (11-3), heroic leader. THEN I roll the MC for the squad beneath...'2'. HoB results in hero creation! Needless to say my opponent was quite freaked. The sad thing is I still lost the scenario.

Homer: RB would be a take no prisoners battle for the honor of Comissar Denisova. The Greeks would win only after capturing her and burning the whole mapboard to the ground.

Heinlein: Everyone lives forever. They would think about fighting, grok the wrongness and have sex instead.

So Monarch AH is up for sale. And we are worried that our hooby is going to the dogs.

Runner Up, from Kenneth Li:

Have heard of TOTSUGEKI prenty lately...

Runner Up, from Jeffrey Allen talking about the Rout Report WWW page:

Nicely done and even better then Mr. Hundsdwarf's (SP?) page I'd have to say.

Hope I did not err, otherwise Carl will eat me alive - known as Fagocytosis :-)

This harkens to the Brian Youse ASL CREEDO!
A REGULAR ASL PLAYER IS A HAPPY ASL PLAYER!

Runner-Up, from Chuck Payne:

As my daddy once told me, "Son, don't ever play with anyone smarter than you 'cause he will show the whole dang world how dumb you really are." (I had a very lonely childhood BTW. I couldn't even play with our dog.)

Rich was great to play as when the 9-2 bought it, he took it well adding "the good thing is, now I don't have to worry about losing the 9-2."

Runner-Up, from Ed Carter:

The Geneseo-fest After Action Report. For those that do not know, Geneseo-fest is a little known ASL tournament that is held in Geneseo Illinois. Unfortunately, it competes with ASLOK and therfore has a tough time finding attendees. This year's attendees were: Ed Carter and Mike de Blois.

Since I'm going to be a free agent in about two weeks I'll compile all of next seasons schedules and sign with the National League Team that's in Chicago that weekend.

A HUNKA-HUNKA BURNING LOVE
Somewhere in the American Desert, Dec. 31, 1945-January 1, 1946:
Morale among the prisoners at the top-secret Captured Ordnance Depot and Proving Ground was at an all-time low...In reaction to the psychological stress of the situation, the prisoners had formed two gangs, dubbed the Sharks and the Jets... A shout of "Rumble!," a dash for the vehicle park, and the fight was on.

Victory Conditions: The player with the last functioning AFV wins.
OB:... All flamethrowing AFV of any kind in the ASL system are placed in an opaque container; players alternate drawing one counter at a time until all AFV are distributed...

Runner-Up, from Tom Huntington (excerpted):

HASL 1: ALAS, AVALON
BALTIMORE, MARYLAND, October 1995:
After years of neglect, ASL players nationwide gathered around the entryways of Avalon Hill, chanting "Just publish it, and we'll buy it"....

VICTORY CONDITIONS: If the Angry Villagers can do anything to Sway (A27.1) Avalon Hill, they succeed in a Phyrric Victory. Anything else results in Stagnation. Angry Villagers set up first, Avalon Hill moves first (but won't)

One of the more disturbing things I encountered at Winter Wars was the handiwork of a fellow who had been laid up from work for a few months. He clipped the counters of the entire ASL set, and sorted the clippings by color. He then made a mosaic map of New Jersey with the name of his gaming club in the middle, and had it framed and glassed over. He told me the story, and I thought he was kidding - then he pulled the thing out and showed me. I smiled politely and backed slowly away, making no sudden moves...

Just because the rule does not say this (Patrik's initial interpretation ) is what to do, does not mean that this is not what to do. (?Huh?)

... with a followup from Rodney Kinney:

I will be the first to agree with Perry's disagreement, in spite of his other agreement with Patrik, which I'm not sure I agree with.

Well, looks like we'll never sort this one out; and I seem to be outnumbered, so...
Yer all wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!!
Come and get me cop'er!!
BLAM!! BLAM!!
Top a' the world, Ma!!

You may have noticed that I gave no rules reference. We have cut up the rule book in little pieces of paper with one rule paragraph each. Whenever we encounter a situation, we pick a rule out of a bag and try to figure out how it applies. King Tigers bogging down in Caves are a riot.

Of course, you could always capture someone else's ASLRB in CC, but a captured ASLRB has penalties TL (to lookup) ...

Mental note: anything that spouts fire in two directions, don't play with in the house. Take it outside!

You want Peruvian Dancing Llama Cavalry, you got.....a BIG problem, but you can have them charging across the wheatfields in next to no time!

The Real Real Top Ten Reasons Why Tim Hundsdorfer Left ASLML

10. Keep having to change "dumbest thing said on ASLML" Web Page.

(will be updated as soon as he finds out about this!)

9. Avalon Hill cabal bought his silence.

8. Web-King rival Bahadir forged the unsubscribe message.

7. Still gets complaints about the wierd helmeted figure graphic.

6. Discovered list is mostly Republicans.

5. Fear of losing Web-King title.

4. Actually Tom Huntington left.

3. Found out he wouldn't win a Spuddy this year.

2. Has nightmares of Ole's severed head.

1. Started to care about the definition of a gun.

Runners-Up:
John Richards, for "Top Ten Rejected Scenario Titles" (From the home office in Velikiye Luki...) and "Top Ten Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Side in a Scenario"

All baby butts are booby-trapped. Handle with care. Be especially careful when making a DCTC (Diaper Change Task Check)... Baby butts are indirect fire weapons. They are known to fire concentrations as well as general harassment missions. Generally they use area fire, but direct fire and critical hits are reported frequently too... Baby boys are known to lay firelanes during the DCTC. Only solution is to lob a washrag (WLTC Washrag Lob Task Check) into his location to keep him from firing out... Baby boys will first fire, subsequent first fire and final protective fire as often as possible... Assume boresighting is in effect.

Bulgarian gliders!!!!! We like Bulgarian gliders, we want Bulgarian gliders!!!! Are there such things?? Are they special??? I want them, I want them!! Publish now damn it.

Best Slam on Idaho, from Rick White:

Below please find my report on the invasion of the Pacific Northwest, code named OPERATION DRUBBING. I trust it will answer all of your questions and prove to you the worth of completing the annexation of Washington, Oregon and Idaho. Well, maybe we can drop Idaho.

Of course, many people would say that Youngstown only exists because ASLOK exists.

> Does France take November _and_ December off for holidays?

No, July and August are for holidays. The rest of the year is reserved for strikes.

>>> * Ohio vs Maryland Week - Do the best players live near
>>> Cleveland or Baltimore?
>> We'll have none of this regional silliness. The players from
>> the Chicago area are the best. No need to question it.
> If the "Chicago Area" includes Wisconsin, then your statement is
> indeed accurate.
Suburbs of Church Point, Nova Scotia, these are all :-)

> Humph? (Many yawns), Hey! you, yeah, you over there. That's right,
> the bloke in Norway. Pipe down! There's some honest folks trying to
> sleep here! Damn noisy vikings!

You`ll have to watch it, mister! Lest me and all my tall, blond, dirty, foul-smelling, long-bearded, pigtail-wearing, SMG-carrying (yep, swords are long gone), hard- talking, macho-men friends will have to fetch our hammers and nails and put some new ships together so we can get over the pond and make some real noise like in the good old days, so all you sorry folks won't sleep again for as long as you live (2 minutes at most)!

Oregon: The one place in the lower 48 where the Pioneer (838) Spirit still abides! Home of the REAL MAN(tm) ASL players.

By God, here in Oregon we don't play ASL, we LIVE it. If you lose a scenario, you forfeit all property (including wife & children) to your opponent. Rules disputes are settled with baseball bats!

If you come to Oregon with the idea of getting in a game of ASL, you better be ready to give up some piece of your anatomy.

Face it Bahadir, the best thing on your page is a link to MY page!

They interviewed some 5 or 6 former Soviet soldiers and one of them said that the Finns, at the time, spread flyers saying something like this:

"Choose in what way you want to die - starvation, cold or a bullet. We don't take prisoners."

To draw another analogy, we are governed by an old, mad king.

Dave Niesen
Tri Cities, Washington
"When in doubt, empty the magazine"

Doug "Treat all roads as streams, all streams as orchards, and all orchards as 447 Russian MMC" Loss

Runner Up, from Rodney Holmes:

Rodney Holmes
Giant Carnivorous Schmoo

Runner Up, from Tom Huntington talking about counter storage:

Tom "mine's all in a 4-D hypercube, but how do you get it back out" Huntington

Best Story, to Karl Appuhn for the as-yet-unfinished epic "The ASL Reformation, Humour, longish, and late":

Act I, Scene I
A dimly lit chamber. Torture implements may be seen strewn about the floor and hanging on the wall. In the center of the chamber is a rack and stretched out upon the rack is a clueless newbie. At the foot of the rack is a table with a large dog-eared copy of the ASLRB on it. Gathered around the table are three hooded figures, the Spanish Inquisition!(tm)

Patrik: Tell me again heretic, when is a "Gun" not a "Gun"?

Newbie: No wait, I only wanted to know about counter stoaaaaaaaaaaargh.

(The newbie begins to shreik as Tate turns the wheel on the rack with evident delight, stopping only at a signal from Ole)

Best Songs, to Tom Huntington for the collection "Tis the season for wasted bandwidth":

"On the twelfth day of Christmas

My dear wife gave to me:

Twelve compartment Planos

Eleven Rumors Dispelled

Ten Questions Answered

Nine New Scenarios

Eight days 'til Backblast

Seven Planets Bridging

Six-siders rolling

Fiiiiive 'Rrata Pages

Fortenbery working

Third Bridge a 'vailable

Two Rule Binders

And a summons for divorce!"

Runners Up:

Sam Belcher, for "Use a form to automate your Flames" and

"Talking to the Big Guy"

Tim Hundsdorfer, for "Schilling at the Bat" and "The Inferno"

Tom Huntington, for "Counter Storage"

Andrew Maly, for "Advice to newbies"

Matt Shostak, for "ASL Bermanisms"

Rusty Witek, for "The Exciting Cinematic Possibilities of ASL" and

"The Asluminati"

> BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!
CHONG-AH! CHONG-AH! CHONG-AH!
[That would be the Red Chinese equivalent for a human wave :)]

No defensive setup can survive 40 turns of bombardment.

Heck, if I realized that you get to throw a solid object at someone at 100 mph, I would have taken up baseball.

> What kind of dice are you using in ASL?

Out in the West (of the USA) they use two six-shooter pistols. If you need a '4' to hit, they put in two bullets in each gun, pick out a passer-by, give both cylinders a good spin and then let loose with both guns. If the passer-by goes down, it was a hit. If not, it was a miss. Why do you think they have so few tournaments west of the Mississippi?

"In my day, we didn't have some fancy schmancy rules binder, we had four diferent rulebooks to look in, and we LIKED it!"
- Grouchy Old ASL Man

Got my copy of CH#3/PL a couple days ago (sad to say that my reader response card accidentally ended up in the loo - I'm flush with embarrassment)

Runner Up, from Indy Lagu:

Grant, they could make a module about John's wardrobe... "Beyond Velour"

Runner Up from Steve Parillo:

If you are playing a night scenario and completely forget a pertinent rule, would that be a nocturnal omission?

Here's me . . .         :)



                                       here's your point . . .       >.<

A hush comes over the audience. And a drum roll, please!

Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada....

And the Spuddy Award For Best Post of 1995b GOES TO:

My spell checker keeps trying to replace "the Dotts" with "the dolts."

Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards, 1995b, congratulations to the winners and especially Perry, you earned it big guy! Along with my co-host Heather Locklear, goodbye from the VFW Convention Center in Idaho Falls, we wish you all the best in 1996, good night everybody, roll low, and drive safe!