We come to you LIVE from the Bowl-Ero Reception Hall in Idaho Falls, where dozens of rabid fans have waited for at least ten minutes to catch a glimpse of the ASL glitterati as they disembark from their Chevy Suburbans. Joining me this time out is my lovely co-host Sandra Bullock. Sandra, why don't you tell the folks at home just what the Spuddies are all about?

"I'd love to, Bob. These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL list during the first half of 1996. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Sandra! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1996a!

Kurt "I'd roll the dice but your mom is sitting on my hand" Martin

Runners-Up:

John "I say, my Deir, I have lost my mind" Foley

Curt "How do you say 'Bite Me' in French?" Shilling

Rusty "ASLRB, I knew clarity. I worked with clarity. Clarity was a friend of mine. And you, ASLRB, are not clear." Witek

Jeffrey T. Allen - A Wholly owned subsidary of William and Lucy F. Allen

Jacques Cuneo - The opinions expressed above are not the opinions expressed by my employer, family, or those little green men who follow me around all day.

Paul "If the Japs have DC Heroes, why can't the Allies have Marvel Superheroes?" Price

Dave "SHOOT LOW, THEY'RE RIDING SHETLANDS" Connell

I realize not all of you have the same mind I do of marriage, but I can vouch, as a married man, that sex does have its merits.

In the interests of fairness, I guess I should mention my least favorite thing about the game: Women do not respond romantically to either of the below statements-

"Would you like to come back to my place and see my Plano(tm) boxes? I sort my Infantry by nationality, quality, AND Unit Size Number." [Wink as you say "unit size"]

"I've got 'Croix de Guerre', now its time to earn the Croix de Loooove."

"... aside from Patrik and possibly Ole, nobody on the list actually knows HOW to play ASL."

"...I've always wanted to design a game called "Stuka's Over Disneyland" Wouldn't it be wonderious?"

> In Reb Barricades, may Stukas attack during the German Prep Fire
> Phase or Movement Phase?

Walter is obviously playtesting the forthcoming Alternate History ASL product, _Reb Barricades_.

In Reb Barricades, the South has won the Civil War. Lulled into a false sense of security by a Non-agression pact signed with Hitler, the Confederates are stunned when the Nazi hordes land in Tidewater Virginia and begin their fateful drive to Richmond. Reb Barricades recreates the dramatic defense along the Petersburg line.

In side action, we had a canine version of the Russo-Finnish War: my dog Tasha vs. John's dog Loki. VC required undisputed control of a red plastic bone. Tasha was the Scenario Attacker. But after a short Melee, both withdrew.

New players on the list looking for good introductory scenarios on basket weaving might like to look up the scenario "Back to Rattan" published in the memorable first issue of Critical Fit, the newsletter of the Paddington Basket Cases ASL Club. Incidentally it also provides an excellent step-by-step guide to the often mystifying Human Weave (A36.7) rules.

Players interested in other craft related scenarios might also like to look at "The Agony of Loom" in the same issue.

Anyway, I like to store my corner-clipped counters in individually wrapped plastic baggies. They must be shellacked at least once every six months, both sides of course. The baggies are then placed in velvet-lined jewelry boxes, with a combination lock. Each nationality has its own box, and the combination is some permutation of the date of entry of that nationality into the war, a special touch I'm rather proud of. AFVs, of course, are an entirely different matter, and must be treated with especial care. I first sort them by their designer's initials...

I keep my counters in used food/spice containers, sorted by Theater/Nationality according to major flavor/cuisine of the region [EX: Chinese in a "Water Chestnuts" can; Italians in a "basil" jar. Brits in cardboard, etc.].

> What be these Planos?

Gasp! Heresy, blasphemy. Thank God for you that you don't live near Salem! Planos are pure art in the counter storage.

They are the ultimate, the 10 of cardboard putting away. A Plano must be experienced to be truly appreciated. A bit like frog legs. But Planos do not taste like chicken.

Planos are the Unbearable Lightness of counter Portage

Totsugeki is the cream of the crop. There are, quite frankly, two types of people in this game system. Those who love Totsugeki!, and those who are yellow bellied scum dogs.

Next time your opponent raises doubts about the legitimacy of a LOS, draw his attention to your carefully placed thread on the board, as he leans closer for further examination, bring your forehead down with great force onto the bridge of his nose. I think you will find this will astound and stagger him and you will hear no further complaints about the width of your thread.

Does anyone know how to get farmers and lumberjacks interested in ASL? I live among them. I've tried and I'm getting nowhere.

What a day. Just spell checked this message, and it didn't like "Vankan." The alternative I was offered was "vagina." Time to go home, I guess.

> I've spent all my scholarship money on ASL, and I haven't even
> tried a FtF game yet.

Don't worry, scholarship money only goes toward a college degree, which in turn prepares you for a job you'll despise because you'd rather be playing ASL.

>> But then, what do I know? I suck at this game. I have no idea why
>> I waste so much time on it.
>
> Because you're an addict, like the rest of us!

It's true. It should be sold by greasy haired punks in back alleys, or through a car window, hastily exchanging dollars and modules. It should be smuggled in from foreign countries. There should be coffee houses in Amsterdam which hold dozens of freaked out ASL players who get lost in them for weeks. (Bas?)

P.S. If you are reading this, and you are NOT using a computer, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME ASAP! We'll need to visit the patent office, but we may never have to work again.

To BU, or not to BU, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to BU against the slings and arrows of the outside infantry, or to take up AAMG's against them and by opposing them, end them.

Except for appreciating the gnomic verse of the info counters, literary training doesn't help a bit:

DISRUPT No: Nml Rout Self Rally

The pathos and alienation of modernity has rarely been evoked so poignantly in the medium of 1/2 inch cardboard.

> What happened to that "modicum of intelligence" that ASL players are
> supposed to have?

That was changed in the '94 Annual errata to: "willingness to pay money for anything with the ASL logo on it."

> PS: Tomorrow it will be 53 years since the last transmission was
> received from the 6th army from Stalingrad!

"Having a great time, wish you were here!" Feld Marschal von Paulus

>....Perry "With luck, I won't even have to shovel today"

That would be a shame Perry. Since we all know that no one can shovel it longer or deeper than you. :-)

> Can you dismantle a wounded leader and carry him at 2PP?

YES! and after the battle you can make soup!! with fava beans and a nice Chianti!!

> Please, spare me the hippocracy

Tate,
This means: "government by horses". :-0

Because if a mortar gets a CH the shell is going to hit you in the head whereas as CH from a non-mortar-non-OBA will most probably hit you in the gut. So, ever tried hitting a hammer on the top of your head and then in your stomach? The head hurts much more. I've tried it.

And for one last HO, reality arguments are pretty stupid. In monopoly, why don't you get another turn when you pass go? I am more inclined to spend money when I have my paycheck, so it is silly that I have to stop _after_ I get paid! I should get another turn! For that matter, why do I have to build a house _before_ I can build a hotel! This isn't realistic at ALL. Well, you get the point, I hope. Monopoly sux

Once I played a tournament game where my opponent insisted on following the ASOP to the letter. That is generally fine with me, but he was so anal about it that I had less than an enjoyable time at the scenario. For example, I declared an entrenchment attempt (and resolved it) and he promptly infomed me that I could not fire my next unit as it was "...out of order IAW the ASOP..."

Yeah? Blow me.

Playing Perry Cocke at Half a Chance. I'm the Italians, he's the British. Long game, aren't they all vs. Perry?, but he's wiped up all my tanks, a gun or two, and has positioned himself for the off map dash. I get a squad, leader, and 20L atr into position in a deir lip hex, carefully guarding the eit edge. Last turn, he has to exit all but two of his tanks since one of them had a malfed MA and counted less. He moves the first tank off, I spin all my avail. guns, MGs, whatever to shoot and do nothing. Dick. Zilch. Last available unit to shoot for the turn, the ATR. Now understand that this thang has a TK of about 6 vs. his box 3 armored tanks (could be boxed 2's, I guess, this was some time ago). Game all but over, lets play it out.

Tank moves off, TH DR= 1,1 CRITICAL HIT! about an 8 to kill nails one of the tanks, and I keep ROF. Next tank moves off, TH DR= 1,1 CRITICAL HIT! Italian win.

Who says this game isn't fair?

I haven't bothered calculating the odds but in a series of games that made up all my FTF play back last fall, I pulled 16 red chits in a row. The lack of Arty respect started on day 3 of RB when I had purchased a Katyusha and a 150mm module. The 150's even had Plentiful Ammo. Thru the end of day 6 the Russian Gen. Chukiov refused to deliver promised Divisional Arty support. That's 12 Red Chits. Then in a pickup game I continued my lack of Arty as the Americans with thier normal state of plentiful ammo. That's 14. And then in the first round of the tourney we had here in Vancouver in Nov. I once again double red chitted, as the Germans with normal ammo. That's 16. Thankfully the Arty God deemed to quit S***ing on me in the second round of the Tourney.

It was a long hard fall for the cardboard soldiers under my command.

Being for the most part a ROF challenged individual I was greatly pleased by a certain mortar in my recent SASL game (of course no one else would be around to witness it). I had run into a particulary heavily defended grain field with about 12 squads and some foxholes in abour a four hex radius of each other. ...

Lo and behold, the ubermensch of all mortaring skills made his appearence on the scene. In one prep fire phase this mortar secured _TWELVE_ hits (not just shots) and in the ensuing defensive fire phase made _NINE_ more consecutive hits including three critical turning this company of firmly dug in russians (who had 4 leader/commisars with them, an extraordanary number) into one unbroken 6+1, 2 disrupted 226s and one broke 447. Truly the most outstanding single turn performance I have ever seen by a SW, sepecially considering most of these shots had at least a +2 modifier before the acquisitions. I will never degrade Lt. Mortars again, they are my friend.

The scenario: Obong-ni (or "Banged My Knee" as I like to call it), a CH scenario on the Korean War.... The scenarios ends after about 30 minutes with Tim's concession. Why? Well, he enters from off-board and takes some pounding in the MPh, particularly by my .50cal directed by a 9-1 that gets 3 shots and still maintains rate going into DFPh.

DFPh sees a RCL CH a T34/85...poof. Just the tip of the iceberg however. Cracked open the hidden ammo trailer for the .50cal and proceed to fire (conservative estimate) another 8 times. After a total of 11 shots from newly renamed chain-gun (with ROF still retained), Tim throws in the towel.

Because the best cover was an AFV and I was firing from a level 2, all shots were at -1 or even, breaking two leaders, wounded/broke a 9-1, eliminated at least 4 squads, broke another half dozen, pinned just about everyone else.

It was sick.

I'm playing DASL #1 'solitaire' (boy, what a non-experience. This is my first time doing this....now I _really_ feel sorry for those of you who live on those far-away, nebulous, easily-forgotten islands like Siberia, Greenland, and Idaho),

I'd also like to pat everyone on the back for being more civil. The last two weeks have been the best that I've seen on this list in a long time. Much like it was a few years ago [when everyone would tip their hats and say "thank you m'am). Civility and ASL *do* go together. Nice job guys!

You may, however, continue to verbally abuse Idaho.

I just want good AARs with tactical info--mistakes, actions, ideas, etc. For your trouble, this is what I am offering: ...

- Official T-shirts containing an illustration of the little known French invasion of Idaho (After getting kicked out of Paris, they figured they could at least take Idaho. They showed up, wondered around for three days, found nobody, and went home).

Europe was fun - an internal conference at, of all places, Eurodisney. It's obvious why the place has bombed - it's overcast nine months of the year, they don't keep it as spotless as the Disneys in the States, the food sucks (30 miles from Paris!), it's expensive as all get-out, and finally, it's got an awful lot of French people hanging around.

My french is somewhat suspect as I once ordered a meal in a french restaurant and was served _SNAILS_!!

A25.44, ANZAC Stealth: I mean, whoever heard of a quiet Australian??

While it has been proposed by such note-worthies as Mr. Shilling that there is little to be found in the way of safety in/near Detroit, I must hasten to point out that our Automatic Weapons Zones have been neatly constrained of late to the following:

1 - Schools
2 - Cocaine-enhancement areas
3 - Buildings operated by the U.S. Postal Service
4 - Bedrooms

With this in mind, it was quite simple to draw big circles on a map of Metro Detroit (which is quite sprawling due to its auto-based layout) and find a place safe enough for geeks with dice. Warren Michigan is decidedly low on the danger/adventure scale.

When Mark suggested I switch to rubber cement, I did, and have never gone back. I've never had an 'incident' in over a year of use, so I'll stick to its use (ugh!). An added plus is that removal is a breeze, just 'twist' and you wont be bending those overlays while trying to lift them up - and you can make little 'boogers' out of the dried rubber cement you take off the back of the overlays and flick them at your opponent after the game - kind of a catharsis for a sore loser :-).

Well I for one still remember the blood-bath in Stockholm 1521 by the Danes. I still haven't forgiven them! Not to mention the slaughter of our troops by Tsar Peter (the Great) in 1709 in and around the Ukranian village of Poltava (cf. CG SP). However, I still do taste the sweetness of victory after having crushed the Catholics in the Thirty Year War and by that making the Baltic Sea more or less a lake within Sweden (1648 Peace of Westphalia) :-D

If only they could make the show "Beavis, Butthead & Asad". Then I'd be proud!

HUNDSY'S PAGE HAS BEEN SHOT!!!
IT MUST BE THOSE AH GUYS!
TO ARMS! TO ARMS!
THE HILL IS COMING, THE HILL IS COMING!!
TO ARMS! TO ARMS!

(Whimper)

> To everyone attending WO:
> Good luck, and have fun!!!

To all you guys going to WO:
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!...8-{)
Whew! I feel much better now. :-)

When I got to the 82nd, the Division Commander summed it up like this:

"For most of the rest of the Army, it's the beginning of the season. In Korea, they're at the All-star break. In Germany, it's playoff time; those boys'll have to roll out on a moment's notice, but they'll probably have advance intel of anything big.

Here in the 82nd Ariborne, ladies and gentlemen, it's the 7th game of the World Series EVERY SINGLE DAY."

Best Song Lyrics, to Jim Taylor for "Sympathy for the Tuomo" (sung to the tune of "Sympathy for the Devil") (excerpted):

Please allow me to introduce myself,

I'm a man of spuds and beer.

I've been around for a long long year, played many a man, on the list.

I was around when Hundsdorfer, had his moment, of doubt and pain.

Made damn sure to load the dice, when Hundsy, rolled his fate. (A10.64).

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name.

But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

Flew out to Stockholm one day, when I saw I had time for a game.

Creamed Patrik Manling with Italians; Ole Boe screamed in vain.

I rode a tank, held a 9-2 rank, when my blitzkrieg raged, and your

dicing stank.

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name. Oh yeah.

Ah what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Ahh yeah.

I watched with glee, while your FFE, landed right on top,

of your best 10-3.

I shouted out "Who started this Plano thread?" when after all

it was little ol' me.

Let me please introduce myself, I'm a man of spuds and beer.

And I lay traps for AFV's, who get killed before they reach objective A.

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name. Oh yeah.

But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. Aah yeah.

Runners-up:

Jim Taylor, for "The Cardboard General's Song", "Help Me Patrik",

"Snake-Eyes", "Gurkha Hero", and "The Ballad Of The ASL Way"

Tim Hundsdorfer, for "Lu Ann"

Rodney Kinney, for "Tiger Mark Two, you're the one!" (sung to the tune

of "Rubber Ducky, you're the one!"

Paul Price, for "Our squad dismembered Sergeant Pitz" (to the tune of

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and "I'm a Commissar and I'm OK"

(with apologies to Monty Python)

ASL Hint from Heloise: Take all those shavings left over from punching out and trimming the Finnish counters. Dissolve in a saline solution. Inject into bloodstream. Watch feelings of euphoria and mercilessness develop. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT WITH AXIS MINORS.

JR van Mechelen:
"Sometimes it's more fun to cause trouble than it is to be wise."
"If you do something to me fifty times in a game, I'll learn it."

Mike Owens:
"Is that (~) a tilde, or are you just glad to see me?"

Eric Miller:
"I'd have to lose to a 6 year old girl to lose any more AREA points"
"Italian is the German translation of 'target'"

Tim Hundsdorfer:
"Tom's a serious guy, but that's a good characteristic for a nuclear physicist." - Tim Wilson
"If it weren't for Jazbutis, we'd be the Ugliest ASL players alive."

The good guys got him back. He's your 8-1. A bit sheepish, and not looking the hardened warriors in the platoon in the eye, but your 8-1 nonetheless.

Now, in the Russian army, we'd put him in a penal battalion and torture his entire family. To encourage the others.

Best Story , to Tim Hundsdorfer for his collection of "ASL Fairy Tales":

THREE PIGS
There were three pigs, one lived in a Hut. One lived in a wooden building. One lived in a stone building. The Big Bad Wolf came along with a flamethrower and told the pig in the hut that if he didn't surrender, the Wolf would burn his house down. The pig voluntarily broke and routed to the wooden building.

The wolf then went to the wooden house, and again threatened to burn the house down if the two pigs did not surrender. The hut-pig came under DM, the other pig voluntarily broke and both routed to the stone building.

The pigs rallied, worked feverishly, and turned the stone building into a fortified location. The Wolf came along, they fired, subsequent fired, and final protective fired, and he broke, rolled boxcars, was wounded, and the wound proved fatal.

Runners-Up:

Rob Wolkey, for "Duckers Anonymous"

Curt Schilling, for "Cheating Bastards"

Bob Lyman, for "Stoning"

Kurt Martin, for "Untitled"

Jim Taylor, for "A day in Australia"

Is this man dedicated or what. If he can't recruit ASL playtesters, he creates them :-)

Of course, the Goddess of ASL Wives is LuAnn Youse, for reasons including (but not limited to) having half-a-dozen or so hairy gamers into her house several times a week and letting her daughter be taught to say "Banzai!" whenever Steve Petersen enters the room.

My wife used to encourage me to drop wargaming and take up smoking crack instead, because crack is less addictive, less expensive, and doesn't mess up your life nearly as much as wargaming. What can I say, she loves me and only wants what's best.

Seems kind of ridiculous, spin the Recoiless around and let them have it with the backblast. Talk about farting in their direction.

Since I don't want to start another thread on logic or anything, I'll limit myself to stating that the example does _not_ imply that the AFV couldn't move one extra hex if the infantry was able to double time. It might be thoughtlessly written if this wasn't the intention, but it doesn't quite say that.

Yeah, I know the above is a horrible mess of negations. So what? :-)

> One question: is there anyone supporting Tate's position or is it
> a dozen guys arguing with one guy?

I think Tate is Encircled, but has Battle-Hardened in addition to his natural Fanatic status (ASLML SSR 13.221). Someone will have to Breach his Fortified Location, enter into HtH CC, and resolve this once and for all.

As for rubbled, burnt out factories, hey, I live in Philadelphia. I just have to step outside.

I know that with my somewhat limited grasp of all the aslrb, I don't dare post anything even remotely related to rules debates lest I be pinned to the wall like a prom corsage on a 16 year old's firm, heaving chest.

Until I see a post from a bulge-in-the-pants lister describing the contents of the freshly unwrapped box, I don't believe anything.

For the 96 Annual, AH should replace the Q&A Debriefing with the T&A Briefing. It would feature full page shots of all the tournament winners in their Speedos. Who knows, it may get more women interested in the hobby. Not.

On the whole we are not a svelte lot, but that is our physical adaptation to our preferred environment. Well padded buttocks for hard and uncomfortable chairs around ASL tables and plenty of insulation for those very cold garages many players suffer through each winter. Those who have had their beer in the game room freeze during play know what I am talking about.

Best Top 10 List, to Dave:

You know you're a 6+1 when:

1) No one will share their location with you.

2) You get used as a dummy counter.

3) The only SW you get stacked with are the DC's after the fuse is lit.

4) You always end up on the top of the stack when other leaders are on the bottom of theirs.

5) You are an SMC and the enemy doesn't shoot at you.

6) You surrender and the enemy sends you back.

7) You're issued a pogo stick and ordered to locate minefields.

8) You don't know what an LLMC is.

9) You draw a lot of hazardous duty.

10) Conscripts have better morale than you do.

11) You are the last resort.

This time out, we have a winner and three runners-up.

Third Runner-Up, to Tripp Killin:

In ASL, variability and complexity challenge my planning skills and force me to think clearly to achieve the stated goals. In life...well...I just want to know what Phase it is.

It's no replacement for crushing the foe and selling his children into slavery, but it's still good.

About those BU rules:

Look, I'm all for anything that will add more DRMs, special cases, exceptions, different ways of doing essentially similar things, subsequent DRs, Q&As, TCs, SSRs, rules specific to particular geographic regions, historical time periods, and specially trained and/or equipped units or nationalities, baroque and complex yet incomplete rules, stuff you need to remember but never can, subtle rule changes in obscure places, widely separated rules that seem innocuous in themselves but taken together and read carefully mean that you've been doing something basic wrong all along, and rules that don't make sense no matter how many times you read them and that your buddy not only can't explain but that he thinks mean something entirely different that you never even thought of.

That's what ASL is all about.

Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada....

The Spuddy Award For Best Post of 1996a GOES TO :

I've always kind of sought out the reason why semi-sane normal people would jump out of perfectly good aircraft. I even bought Paratrooper in the hopes that these little cardboard people would clue me in. But, I think I ran across the best answer so far a while back. In fact it is the only acceptable reason, but I haven't confirmed it myself so I still kinda doubt it. It was told to me by an airborne mortar crewman, named, (appropiately enough for a paratroop), Hurlbut. He said, and I do quote:

"Because chicks dig it."

Well that's it for the Spuddy Awards for 1996a! Congratulations to all the winners and especially to Jim! Along with my co-host Sandra Bullock, goodbye from the Bowl-Ero Reception Hall in Idaho Falls, drive carefully everybody, roll low, and good night!