Brought to you LIVE from the VFW Convention Center in downtown Idaho Falls, it's the 1996b Spuddy Awards!

Good evening everyone and welcome to the 1996b Spuddy Awards! Joining us this time out is the lovely and talented Pamela Anderson. Pamela, why don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?

"Sure, Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL list during the second half of 1996. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Pamela! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1996B!

Sam (Everything has a TLA*) Belcher
* TLA = Three Letter Acronym

Runners-Up:

John 'Whoever dies with the most scenarios wins' Slotwinski

Bill "Paused in Motion, er, paused in Non-Stopped" Cirillo

Ray Tapio & Steve Pleva

Drive in Window Managers

McDonald's Restaurant, 125th Street and 12th Avenue

Our motto: "We smell like grease....and like it!"

Gor-Gor, BMFL

Perry "Firm" Cocke

Bob "I _still_ don't see what wild pigs have to do with it" Walden

Tom Mueller: Master Mueller-san, Sho-Dan Clipper

Joques (gotta get me a woman again) Ruud

Paul "Dutchman want Dutch trucks, ugh" Klimstra

Roland "I hate it when a 9-turn scenario is decided in the the DF

phase of Turn 1b" Gettliffe

Dan "ASL Newbies: don't go out an find'em, breed 'em" Sullivan

Rusty Witek (President: People for Ethical Treatment of Cardboard

People by Other Cardboard People)

John "You're Never Lonely When You're Schizophrenic" Frazer

Phil 'Prep Fire's for POOFS' Nobo

A Helping Hand, at first glance a remarkably unremarkable bocage tussle between 16 666s with five, count 'em five leaders and an OBA mod on one side and no, not the usual boring two groups of 467s but one group of 447s and one of 468s, so there, the whole thing set on boards 11 and yes, because you wanted it, because you demanded it, because you just can't get enough of it: board 2.

My Annual wasn't used to line the Kitty Litter Box, therefore...... Good job MMP/AH!

The FLQ variant: Whenever a player with Canadian forces achieves victory conditions (roughly) 40% of his Canadian forces immediately become berserk and engage in close combat with those Canadian forces remaining in good order. Once the Canadian MMC's have been reduced in number to the point where the loss threatens the win all Canadians immediately revert to good order....

The First Nation Surprise: at the start of each Canadian turn a dr of 12 results in one or more of the Canadian players MMC (who are composed of first nation volunteers) declaring independence. These forces immediately form a third side in the game and battle both sides for control of the mapboard.

> I've looked at my old pages a couple of times to figure out just
> what was changed in the new "dotted" rule. And there have been at
> least two times where someone misremembered a rule and needed to see
> the old version for confirmation of the change.

But this shows a disturbing tendency towards backsliding. You see, it doesn't matter what the rule *was,* or even what someone thought it was; it only matters *what the rule is now.* When I was a child Catholics like I was then were forbidden to eat meat on Friday. If you ate that boloney sandwich on Friday, then died without repenting of your sin, *your immortal soul would suffer the torments of hell forever*. Think about that: forever. Your skin bubbling and charring from the white-hot brimstone, and it would never, ever stop, just because you raided the refrigerator and couldn't control your stinking, bestial appetite for meat and eat peanut butter and jelly like the saints did.

Then along came Vatican II. Then, one day, you could eat all the animal flesh you wanted on Friday, and it was entirely cool. (You might think of this as claiming Wall Advantage without an enemy unit adjacent.)

You don't need to confirm any changes; you only need to DO WHAT THE ASLRB SAYS! If it should say, "GLRRBLQRK," it's your job to do that, or wait until you get a Q&A from the Hill. That's all. The old rule does not obtain. It does not exist. It is null, void, nowhere and nothing.

> "Show me the Devil, and I'll show him HELL!"

What, the latest "MG vs AFV" posts? That would be too cruel, even for Satan.

The player party departs from the fortified market town of Buna heading up the Kokoda Trail in search of glory and loot at the Gona Mission (inhabited by evil clerics). The party clashes with (along with the usual array of nasty monsters) fanatical banzai charging Orc troops wearing headbands, Orc snipers hidden up in the tops of trees, concealed Orc bunkers in X-ambushes of the trail, and last but not least Oil-Flask Hero Orcs who pop out of a hole in the ground and as each throws themself onto a player character they take an OFTC to ignite the oil flasks strapped to their chest (Whumpf!).

Favorite AFV: Tankdozer. What's more fun than burying guys alive?!?

> M4 "Sherman" Named after the Union general who executed one of the
> greatest and most successful strategic land campaigns in history.
> Avoiding contact with the enemy, he destroyed the industrial base
> and transportation system of the Confedereacy, shortening the War
> by at least a year.

Not to mention inspiring B.H.L. Hart's and Guderian's theories, resulting in the eventual development of Blitzkrieg tactics that ended up giving us such a wonderful game to play despite their unfortunate effects in 1939-45.

Well first of all we made some modifications to the scenario which I am hoping will become official one day. That is my dream anyways; if that is accomplished I could die tomorrow and feel like I lived a full life.

The G.I. article was called "They Might Be Playtesters".

Scary thing is, I can remember the name of this article, the '86 Red Sox starting lineup and rotation, the fact that Steelers backfield was made up of Mark Malone, Walter Ambercrombie and Frank Pollard, but, recalling 1986, I cant remeber the name of the girl who was the "first" nor a damned iota of the Calculus I had in high school that year, or much of anything I learned for that matter.

Funny how the brain retains all the _really_ important stuff.

I don't know if I am a fanatic but sometimes when I am sitting in the Mall or driving through some countryside I will start imagining how I would direct an assault on some particular peice of terrain in my current LOS.

Is that a bad sign ?

Yes! Oh yes! At last it's come 'round again! The Counter Clipping Thread! BWAH! HAH! HAH! *cackle* mumble . .grumble. . bumble . . . WELL YOU MIGHT ASK WHY COUNTERS MUST ALWAYS AND INEVITABLY BE TRIMMED WITH SHARP INSTRUMENTS! Yes, yes, yes, yes, *foam* snizzle . . .

Did you know: The _poilu_ with the look of witless determination on the cover of CdG and the '96 Annual is actually Cliff Clavin from _Cheers_!

> Perry "Anyone remember the Van Allen Scoring System?"

That's easy: the guy with a radioactive belt wins.

> Recent record: No Wins / 8 Losses

Hey Sam, how about a game? :)

> You have to see Vic Lewington's collection of hand made counters.
> He's even got one to keep track of the number of beers his
> opponent's had I think.

Yeah, it's called the "turn counter."

The Krauts are having a noisy drinks party at the single story house down the road from a British squad trying to get some sleep next door. After a few polite requests to turn down the music, the Brits are sick of it and so wade in for some close combat...

How many Cloaking counters do the Romulans get?

If a unit exits offboard on an Ocean hexside, will it be eaten by a sea monster? Will it fall off the edge of the earth? Hmm.

The Monster (Frankenstien's) Explains Flamethrowers:
Me explain flamethrower!

RRAAAAGGHHH! Flamethrower bad! Burn! Fire Bad! Flamethrower bad! Me Hate flamethrower! Me run from flamethrower! Many villagers come with flamethrowers! Me hide in castle, +3 stone, GOOD! RRRAAGGHH! Flamethrower no care about TEM! But flamethrower no fire in ADFPh! And flamethrower kill tanks GOOD! Flamethrower cause -1 DRM TH/IFT v. possessing unit! Me stand 2 hexes away, _STILL_ get flamed (at half FP!) Me _REALLY_ yell then!

Simple. You move all the stacks simultaneously one hex at a time until they are all dead, broken or in minefields. Then you declare the scenario an "unbalanced dog," retire to the kitchen and drink as many beers as you can without throwing up (the tricky part is not throwing up).

Don't ask 'Am I an elitist?'
Ask: 'Why am I better than everyone else?'

Knowing full well that getting into a rules debate with Tate is like getting into a land war in Asia, I nevertheless feel compelled...

It is NEVER wise to put a King Tiger hull down through the front facing. King Tigers are hull down by definition, as Rodney likes to say.

I don't do IIFT. Just say "no" to IIFT, kids. It'll make ya go blind. Especially when I roll it up and poke ya in the eye with it. [Exception: IIFT is acceptable if you have two copies of it and are willing to sing a complete verse of "I'm a little teapot" (with all gestures) prior to each RPh.]

>> Fritz's message got me thinking. what we really need is an
>> incremental close combat table.

> Why - this is brilliant!!!! This is an amazingly collossal idea!
> Look, look here's what we do ---

(mad ravings deleted)
"Uh oh, there goes another one... boy, fetch the thorazine gun... thanks." FOOP... THUNK!

[Dr. Rob runs in ever-decreasing circles until he keels over, still drooling and mumbling about "no wait, maybe a three-dimensional matrix will..."]

Another incremental-debate-related tragedy. When will the madness end?

3x 6-5-8 armed to the teeth with LMG, PSK etc sitting on Arnhem Bridge, on one of the bridge bunkers in the centre of an 81mm Dispersed Smoke OBA.. Can only just see into the adjacent hexes, but that enough to put 36FP onto the other bunker hex.

Sniper dr gets a 1, lands smack on this stack (I know, I kow, don't stack), I roll YAHTZEE 5s for random selection, his subsequent two attacks are 2 & 1. 36FP +5 goes to 8FP +5. Suddenly his men lose the fear and proceed to chase me off a very hard won bridge. I gave up the campaign shortly after that, partly because of that one result and also because from 9 SAN rolls they had rolled 1 or 2 eight times.

>> > My dog bit me.
>> I thought dogs could only be used with mines. Is there errata
>> that covers this?
> Actually that's a To Bit Check

While some may find this howlingly funny, I cannot con-cur. Would-be wags who litter the list with such kibble make me growl. I only came in on the tail of this thread, but if it continues I will flea.

If you roll a KIA against hex 13C3, would that be a Brush with death?

Speaking of Dry Dice, I tested mine, but couldn't find any H2O (Adelaide is notorious for the lack of same in its water), so I used a steaming beaker of N2 instead. They went real cold on me after that. My first roll was a shattering experience, I can tell you...

> Fact of the week: Many Japanese soldiers were encouraged to form
> homosexual relationships with other soldiers in order to keep the
> spread of STD's to a minimum.

Actually this is not a new concept. The ancient Greeks also encouraged the practice, but it was in the belief that a soldier would not run away and abandon his "lover" on the field.

Hard to imagine the Japanese doing it, though. I would think also those pastel uniforms would stand out in the jungle.

I recently became the owner of a stray dalmatian with a broken leg. I wanted to call her either Burzevo or Agony of Doom, because she was a lame, unbalanced dog, but the SO nixed the idea.

Did you know that the Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows"?

Well, the only flaw I would see along these lines is, since you're playing solitaire, you can do anything you damn well please. Unless your opponent objects, of course - - then you've really got a problem that's non-ASL related...

French is an easy language to learn. It must be - I went to Paris recently and there were kids there of 4 or 5 years old speaking it fluently.

After our nice dinner at Olive Garden (featuring a waitress that used a lot of delay MP) we had drinks with a gal from New York. Things were going great until I came back from the bathroom and she was gone. Makes me wonder what my buddy said to her.

Yankee Gals 1
Southern Boys 0

...Oh yeah, the cute desk clerk that winked at me when I grabbed an apple was gone when I went to get another...and perhaps a phone number.

Yankee Gals 2
Southern Boys 0

...About to get on 71 South for the 8.5 hour trip and we stop at Taco Bell. The girl is REAL friendly and I get great vibes from her. But I have to go. Crap.

Yankee Gals 3
Southern Boys 0

We played Acts of Defiance. Me German; He Russian. Much beer. Not know who won. Who care?

Last weekend I decided to do some "reality" checks to see if the ASL system is a good simulation. I was shocked to find it wasn't!

Case in point: I had my cousin walk across a pasture and to a tree line. This equated to a SMC in a woods hex two hexes away. Not even adjacent. When I raised my Chinese-made SKS assault rifle he bolted! I didn't even fire a shot and he routed!!! Obviously having to secure a effect on the IFT doesn't apply in real life. I just don't understand and am upset with the ASLRB for missing such a simple concept.

It's not that I wanted to start doing _it_.

It's just that I should never have left one of my FTF opponents alone with my goods while setting up the Russians in "The Commissar's House."

I returned, coffee mug in hand, to find a very smug opponent awaiting the German onslaught and the ENTIRE OB for the scenario neatly _clipped_ and stacked awaiting placement.

... AAARRRRGGGHHHHH !
... and one can't have "clipped" and "unclipped" in the same box ...

Just found out I'll be in L.A. for two weeks from 9 Dec. to the 21st. Having never been there, I'm unaware just how difficult it is to get around, but I will attempt to travel if anyone is up for a game during that time.

Otherwise, I'm told viewing the outdoor art galleries in Compton at night is the thing to do. But I'd rather be playing ASL.

Ask to borrow the card for a minute, then tear it into itty, bitty pieces. If he complains, garrote him with your LOS thread. :-)

It doesn't matter where a paratrooper lands.
Rules to remember:
1. Remember Who Trained you.
2. Keep your feet and knees together
3. 75% of the planet is covered by water, THE REST IS DROP ZONE
4. Water jumps are better near the Bahamas

Have a Nice Airborne Day

Here we see an unusual display of Marine behavior in their natural environment. One Marine holds another by his ankles, while the latter hangs head-down like a bat and flings a jerrycan of gasoline wrapped in TNT blocks into the den of the IJA. The attack is successful, and the group of Marines vocalize and use gestures to express their satisfaction.

I have great symphony for any one who bought these boards before there release in the Action Pack.

I'm not even going to tell you what my roomie did while I was gaming. It's just too sorted.

My pieces were flying off the board and into the box, victimized by shitty MC roles and mindless play on my part - in my tenth game I was starting to fray, and my assault degenerated into the Electric Football Attack (copyright S.Pleva) as my squads slowly edged forward.

True manliness calls for tanks to line up at 6 hexes or less and fire all weapons at each other until one side or the other is destroyed, then the winning tanks wander around woofing and snorting looking for Infantry to Overrun.

But then, the manly Achilles was undone by a Deliberate Immobilization attempt from a poisoned arrow, while the wily Odysseus finally made it home into the arms of faithful Penelope after inflicting beaucoup CVP among the suitors. So go figure.

As the list size approaches infinity, and all of us continually keep posting answers to ASL questions, we will eventually actually produce a flawless ASL rulebook.

This will appear out of a vacuum, along with a modest copy of all of Shakespere's works, the rest of the Unfinished Symphony, the Dutch Trucks module and the Postal ASL chapter, the Improbabiliy Drive, words that rhyme with "orange", new verses to "It's a Small World", Howard Hughes' last will and testament, and a laundry ticket for Madonna's new order for diapers.

Keep typing boys! Still looking for that bocage solution!

> ASL is a the first known application of quantum mechanics to
> gaming. Units dematerialize from one hex center dot and reappear
> at the next, they never exist in between. Of course, every so often
> the Warp Drive (or is it the Transporter, I am not too good with
> technology) breaks down and they fleetingly appear _exactly_ at the
> hexside, allowing the Klingon to drop their Cloaking and whack 'em
> with a snap shot.

But we can treat those effects as minor perturbations. Even more indicative of the quantum nature of ASL is Shock. Think about it... it's Schrodinger's Tank.

> I was wondering if anyone else out there misses the black SS
> counters as much as I do. Those black counters were downright
> intimidating.

I do not miss these and am glad that all my Germans are one color. I think that Hitler would want it that way anyhow. ;->

Best Story, to Rob Seulowitz for "Public Radio Contact DR = snakes!"

Caller: Heil! Zis is Erwin callink from chust outzide Tobruk

und I haf a prrrroblem mit a 1941 Panzer III -

Click: Is that a III H?

Caller: Nein, itz a III D -

Clack: (guffaw) Ho ho - you've got a problem, all right!

Click: (chortle) You got a _couple_ of problems!

Clack: (chuckle) You may have more than we can handle - this is

just a one hour show!

Best Story, to Tom Huntington for "In the Not Too Distant Future..."

> We aren't discussing the

> interpretation of a rule, after all. We're trying to figure out

> why the rules are the way they are.

TOM: This is reality?

JOEL You know, I wonder if there'd be a market in making a

simulation about making simulations.

CROW: Wow! A whole new department for Avalon Hill! "This is a

Commercial Game Game"!

> Woods give more protection than open ground, simply because it

> offers cover. Except when the firer is a mortar, because of

> reality reasons.

TOM: Or when you score a Critical Hit, which is a game reason.

Or when you forget to apply your TEM, which is a real

reality reason.

CROW: Or you apply a Leadership DRM, which would be a gamed

reality reason!

JOEL: Or you bump the table and knock everything over, which is a

reality game reason!

CROW: See? You are getting the hang of this game!

Runners-Up:

Sam ("I Am") Belcher, for "What if Dr Seuss Wrote the Rule Book?"

("A die can be fun/Die means one/When we say dr/Use just one!")

Tom Huntington, for "The 'ist' List" ("So what sort of player are you?")

Rodney Kinney, for "The cost of one more 'I'" ("WHAT IS THE PROBLEM

WITH THESE COLGATE MINIONS!!!")

Rob Seulowitz, for "Difficult ASL Rules Explained by the Great Minds of

History" ("Karl Marx explains Human Waves ...Must the entire

proletariat enter the enemy hex?")

Jeff Shields, for "Playmate of the Month - Patrik Manlig" ("Manlig, yes,

but I like it, too, oooh!")

Bob Walden, for "Thread standardization" (Taxonomy of ASL Threads)

ASL! ASL!

Time to rout away

Oh, what fun it is to run

Through heavy OBA!...

Oh!

Japs and Yanks! Daigo Tanks!

Watch your Tigers "Bog"

If you loose to Brian Youse

It's a damn unbalanced dog...

Runners-Up:

Greg Dahl for "If the Beatles had played ASL" ("When I find myself in

the Mist of trouble, A Q&A comes to me, speaking words of wisdom,

Chapter E.")

Matt Ellison, for "Radio Contact DR humor" ("Thank you for calling

Divisional Battery Yankee. Have a nice day.")

Paul Ferraro, for "Season's Greetings" ("Twas the night before

Christmas and in every house, there was nary a whine,

not even from Youse.")

Don Holland for "Blazin' Panthers" ("Panther Panther burning bright")

Rob Seulowitz, for "What if the Beatles Played ASL?" ("Roll Over,

Hundsdorfer/ELR Rigby/Back in the APCR/DR Prudence")

10. Reality arguments actually might apply.

9. All the players can agree on how weapons should work.

8. Instead of just making up rules on the fly, we can reference how

others have officially made up rules on the fly.

7. Only had to buy one rulebook.

6. Both dice are the same shape.

5. Snipers make perfect rational sense. Saving rolls don't.

4. I can write articles without buying parchment and a calligraphy pen

3. It's more socially acceptible (but still bohemian and politically

incorrect) to recount old war stories in public places.

2. The scenario ends.

1. Hollywood has given us John Wayne, and given them Dolf Lundgren.

Runners-Up:

Jeff Harris, for "Top 5 Things Heard at Oktoberfest" ("So, did you win

or was it unbalanced?")

NJ Hickman, for "You know you're in trouble when..." ("You finally

roll average... a 2 for a CH, then a 12 for a Dud.")

Rodney Kinney, for "Ten Ways to Make ASL Appeal to D&D Players"

("Scrounging Wrecks gives chance of finding Magic Item")

Tate Rogers, for "Top Ten reasons ASL is better than a Woman!"

Q: How is drinking american beer like making love in a canoe?
A: It is f*cking close to water.

> As a side note, the winners of WWF 2 will have an asterisk placed next
> to their names because NONE of them played ME. Pleva, Creutz, and
> Wilczewski, all of them managed to find other things to do when I was
> looking for a game. Coincidence, I think not.

Actually I thought the reason none of us played you was that you lost in the first round.

Third Runner-Up to Rob Seulowitz's review of Criticial Hit vol 3 #1:

And of course we get a page or so of wild ranting from Ray himself, who writes like a drunken gym teacher at a high school reunion, but gosh amighty I enjoy it on its own brazenly stark-staring-bonkers terms.

Tate, you're absolutely corre$^%&@#! (gag) (choke) (THUMP)
....
medic?!?!

After some whining on my part, Dan held up his hand palm-forward and said, "Talk to the hand, because the face no longer cares."

A hush comes over the audience. And a drum roll, please!

Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada....

And the Spuddy Award For Best Post of 1996b GOES TO:

I must admit that I am inordinately fond of crappy troops. ...
That's why I think "Retribution" is such a great scenario:

Ami: "I'm going to break!"
Ital.: "No, please allow me to break! And ELR!"
Both: "Is there a leader in the house?"
Chorus: "Yeah, but he's broken!"

You tourney types can have the "You hit, you kill" late-war heavy metal; I like the ones where baffled and reluctant groups of ill- trained men grapple with their own fears and their shoddy equipment as much as with each other.

It reminds me of playing golf.

Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 1996b! Congratulations to the winners and especially Rusty! Along with my co-host Pamela Anderson, goodbye from the VFW Convention Center in Idaho Falls, we wish you all the best in 1997, good night everybody, drive safe, and roll low!