Brought to you LIVE from the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium, it's the 1997a Spuddy Awards!

Good evening everyone and welcome to the 1997a Spuddy Awards! And a special welcome to my lovely and talented co-host Linda Carter! Linda, why don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?

"Sure Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL List during the first half of 1997. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Linda! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1997A!

Jim "Peace (thru superior firepower)" Millard

Chris "It's better by ballistae" Walton

Ray "Sometimes you gotta be a rat bastard" Tapio

Giulio "As clueless as ever" Gennaro

Michael "Proud sponser of the NKVD pointblank marksmen team" Libens

Pete "2nd? That doesn't happen to me!" Phillipps

Sam (I'm bilingual! eh? I speak Canadian, eh?) Belcher

Tom "getting me behind thee" Huntington

Bruce "Now You're Glad I Mostly Lurk" Kelley

Darrell (I've got a feeling that I'll regret this sober) Andersen

Phil "He does kiss his mother with that mouth" Pomerantz

Sam "Not a Doctor, but I play one" Belcher

Alain "is ASL between spouses the world's greatest contraceptive or what?" Chabot

Matt "I lurk, therefore I am not" Filla

Bill Kerr - DISCLAIMER: Use of advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.

We at the hub of creation (read Boston), of course, practice modern, scientific pre-confrontation preperations. being embarrassingly rich, we hire sports trainers and psychologists to help us prepare for the ordeal. We use advanced massively-parallel processing machines to calculate every LOS possible. We wear X-ray glasses that really work, so we can read your HIP notes. Our team is supported by a research group who spend all year analysing the top 50 AREA players for weaknesses, including financial problems and sexual peccadillos. They will be prevented from apearing--by force, if needed (we have hired a small merc unit for this purpose.)

You've seen the X-files? The man in sunglasses? He's on our team.

For those of you who are going to WO, it's only fair to warn you that we up here in PA have been in serious training for the event for hours ... err, months. Using the same principle as running with weights to train for a race, we have been playing using three dice instead of two, each with razor sharp edges and the one pip side replaced by a six. We placed our rules in a lead rules binder with the pages shuffled. Any time we quote a rule, we do it from memory, and must recite it exactly correct both forward and backward, or we lose the unit in question.

For our training games, we can't use our Planos; we must store our counters in baggies in alphabetical order using a word that rhymes with the name of the counter (e.g. Prep Fire markers are put under "G" for "Grep", which rhymes with "Prep"; try to find a word that rhymes with "Wespe"). We've been playing on a wobbly card table that's too short under a single, 40W light bulb in a room that's either too hot or too cold, sleeping only two hours, and eating only pretzels and Mountain Dew. We have practiced barking out intimidating remarks like, "you can't do that!", "Sleaze!", "very nice, but it's not what McGrath would have done" and "oh, puhleeze! Anybody would look good with the rolls you've gotten."

S. Pleva says:
>I'm looking for a room at WWF. Will provide references upon request...

As a likely source of one of those references, I will go ahead and post Steve's bona fides to the List:

• All charges have been dropped.
• Damages were settled out of court with no admission of wrongdoing.
• Rumors to the contrary, the chihuahua merely suffered an allergic reaction to a particular brand of carpet cleaner; no illegal substances were involved.
• Steve is still licensed to practice home dentistry in four states (including Utah) plus Puerto Rico.

>(It seems to me a lot of posts recently have taken the "It says it,
>but I can't believe it!" line about rules questions. No offense intended to Tom
> or anyone else, but frankly, who gives a flying fuck what *you* believe?

I believe in peanut butter.

I believe in little baby ducks,
Old pickup trucks,
Cryin' in the rain
And trains.

I believe that if you don't clap, maybe Tinkerbell will come back to life anyway. But go ahead and clap, it's fun to mess with kid's minds.

I believe in John, but not Yoko.

I believe I've had too much caffeine today.

"Infantry men are a unit of measure between artillery barrages."

"Team Yankee"
Nothing can possibly go worng.

Ya know, the IIFT has been proven to cause sterility in lab rats. IT'S TRUE!

I tried this myself. I put two rats (male and female) in either end of a cage divided by a laminated copy of the IIFT (treated with DDT to discourage nibbling.) 2 months now, and no babies!

Jan has some point here. But reality is not reality. I am more in the non reality camp, so let me make some remarks...

>Is it possible to capture a panzerfaust or atmm or any other inherent weaponry
> (exc. small arms) and if not, does this give the german infantry (or the owner
>for that manner) an advantage.

There is no way to capture an inherent weapon. (No way to take prisoner's watches either, and that's UNREALISTIC!)

If an AFV is immobilized (or shall we say, wounded), perhaps a sides entire OB, say 10 or 12 squads, could carry the AFV like a wounded leader at 2500 PP! The overstacking would, of course, be murderous, but what a support weapon!

>Well, there's the rub. It says "...TEM/CE..." which may well mean "...and/or..."
>On the other hand it may just mean "...or...".

Read either way, it means that XÃÛËÛ_[ÃßóÛÃ^ïoe¶uçQCñ?¿ILp"†a-|8CÖE

I just noticed something in the rules that is going to revolutionize the way I play! According to A7.301, a unit affected by a KIA is "eliminated." However, it doesn't say anything about removing it from the board, just that it achieves this vague status. I don't see that term defined anywhere either. So from now on, my guys are staying put until you can show me the rule.

Okay. There's really Q&A asking if a vehicle must stop to unhook a gun? Couldn't AH just hire someone to go slap this guy with a large fish? Shouldn't the editor that answered this question be on the business end of a fish-slapping, too?

Yes, I know the argument that others can and did commit battlefield atrocities, yet actions of the soldiers in the Waffen SS just keep coming up intermingled with controversy and wrongdoing. Sort of like the off-field antics of the Dallas Cowboys.

Listmeister! Please place a "Debate" marker on Michael and Tate so we all know they are locked in melee.

I'm the Germans, and during the DFPh of about turn 3 in our second scenario, I had a 10-2 with an HMG in the big Board 6 building let 'er rip on Greek forces in the steeple and in a foxhole on the edge of Cemetery Hill.

I didn't count but I'd say conservatively I got 8 or 9 shots including at least 2 snakes, all on 6(+0) or 6(+1) attacks. I knocked a 9-2 and an elite Fanatic HS with an MG, and a couple of lower-grade squads and HS's, down to absolutely nothing. On one of the few MCs he passed, he rolled my SAN, which hit another 9-2 and a squad in a nearby building I was creeping up on; you guessed it, a "1" Sniper, snakes on the Random Selection, I whacked the leader, and another "1" to break the squad. ...

As I said, this was the Defensive Fire phase, but Bob found it pretty offensive.

I am the Russians - Germans win the first move.

During Rus turn 1: T-34 platoon advancing on the left flank encounters some CE Pz 38(t)E's - three of 'em. They're at from 3-5 hexes range, depending on which 38 vs which 34. I'm BU, moving thru grain, and he has flank shots on me.

DFF: 2 DR=CH; 1st T-34 (trailing one of platoon) burns. Ouch.

Next MP: DFF(same Pz 38, BTW): 2 DR=CH; 2nd T-34 burns. OUCH!

Next MP: (to stop)DFF: 5 DR(and pivot TCA)=miss; lose ROF.

Next MP: (delay/BFF)DFF/Intensive Fire: 2 DR=CH; last T-34 dies (but hey, the crew made it out!)

***GAME CONCEDED*** (that was 7 AFV's lost vs. 1 shock).

Australians do not call the English "poms". We call them "Pommie Bastards". Occasionally "Whining Pommie Bastards". This is because all poms are bastards, and most of them whine incessantly. Perfectly logical, really.

I have some very bad news for your from your friends at CH. The dead and very amateur newsletter TRAIL BREAK is being revived for a one off reprise issue. It is guaranteed to be filled with tripe, silly, silly tripe. It will be photocopied on the flimsiest stock. It will be cheap in every sense of the word. It will not be PC.

It will also contain some of that 'classic' commentery along the lines of 'send Mac some money because he's underpaid' and 'ASL with my wife' that we really could live without and no one needs. However, in the interest of giving everyone something to really rant about during these salad days of ASL, we present total crap with a big grin.

Peter, yes, you would offend many Southerners if you called them a Yankee, especially since the Yankees refer to Northerners. The correct slur for Southerners is "inbred rednecks."

These were just a few observations they aren't intended as attacks on anybody (except Carl). So if you're offended, die.

RRRAAARRRGGHH! OG FURRIUS... FEUREE... FRUIUS... , uh, Og MAD! Og not Muppet! Muppet soft, squishy! Muppets like having someone's hand up butt! Og not LIKE hand up butt! Remind Og of military induction physical! RRRAAAGGHH! ... Og no muppet! Og not even LIKE muppet! Not good to eat, not good to screw, not buy beer, what muppet GOOD for? NOTHING!

>Anger is one of the seven deadly sins, and with good reason.
>It will poison you and your relationships. It's insidious. You may not even know you are angry.
>I have been angry at some people for years without actually realizing it.
>You must lose the anger before you can ever be truly happy.

Posts like this one REALLY PISS ME OFF!

>SQUAD LEADER is too intense for casual playing, the margin for error
>is almost nil in terms of tactical mistakes. You cannot fudge your way through.
>One Turn of mental laxness and 'WHAM' you take 70% casualties.

Uh-oh. I'm not sure I want to know, but what did they say was the result of a lifetime of mental laxness?

>Surely half the fun is cuddling up to your ASLRB on a winters night
>with warm drink and some soft music.........God I'm sad!

That's just it. My ASLRB gets up and leaves in the middle of the night. And in the morning I feel so cheap.

*Through frustated tears...* ALL I WANT is QUALITY, Playtested Scenarios, How-to articles, my opponent's head on a lance, fixed dice, blond nymphomaniacs that own beer stores.. and I will PAY!!!!!!

Forgive me, but I'm a sociologist by education, and let's face it, we are a strange bunch. As my ex-wife said to me a few weeks before I asked her for a divorce; "Go amongst your own kind."

The Record has taken a lot of hits from the statistically minded, but it is what it is: the chronicle of a bunch of dorks playing ASL.

Hey, those are NORTHERN Oregonians. We SOUTHERN Oregonians hate them too. In fact, I consider everyone who doesn't live at my address to be a damned foreigner.

I can always switch assignments:
Flankers become Shitpukers and Shitpukers become Flankers.

I was playing Michael McMain in Aachen's Pall. The victory conditions say something like: The Americans win immediately when there are no good order German units in building... blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I misread the victory conditions and thought that it was at the end of the scenario. So I set up my units in the street behind the building with the intentions of advancing in on turn one. In other words, I setup with NO units in the building!

After the roll for wind, Michael declares victory! That has to be the shortest game in history!

>If so then I have been playing that wrong for years.

BTW, this statement is logically equivalent to, "I've been playing ASL for years."

>You mean de GhAN-jha weed, mon? De "Gangee" is a river in ol' India, mon. Ya mon.

Sorry, the only dope we allow in our house is Alain.

>You have to understand that both contries sought Liebensraum "Living Space".

"Liebensraum"? Wouldn't that rather be "loving space"? :-D

>Furthermore, look for Mr. Schilling to be in Cleveland by the all star break.

Why? Does he have family there?

I tried to emigrate to Australia once and went to the embassy in London for an interview.

Interviewer - "Do you have a criminal record?"

Me - "Do you still need one to get in?"

336 - The HS of the beast.

If AH does produce a {Spanish Civil War} module, would it have Spanish Acquisition counters, or would no-one expect Spanish Acquisition?

But then maybe I'm just comparing apples to Origins.

>>Mount your HASL maps!
>I have seen some folks do this and you better be careful and take your time
> in doing it cause the maps can be damaged.

I am proud to say that I _haven't_ seen people do this. One would hope that they would do this in the privacy of their own home! (And the vision of Tate as a voyeur to such an event...well it is not a pretty sight.)

I got into ASL for the following reasons #1 - STUPIDITY - yes, "STUPIDITY" Let me explain ever so slightly. When I started playing ASL I had too much money and too little a life, ergo I needed to change this equation. I still have little and nearly no life, but I can say today that I have no money.

I remember that film. Didn't Linda Blair win a Spuddy for "Best Demonstration of the Difference Between TCA and VCA" ?

Best Story, to Bruce Probst for "ASL Class":

A Typical Day at the Bob McNamara Memorial High School.

Mr. Youse walks into the room, narrowly dodging a spitball. "OK, Cocke! I saw that! Stand outside!"

Surveying the room, Mr. Youse is annoyed to see that hardly anyone has their mapboards already setup. Only a few rulebooks lie open, and they're barely being looked at ... except for one ....

"OK, Chabot, what have you got hiding behind that rules folder? What's this? A CRESCENDO OF DOOM rules book?! What are you trying to do, rot your mind? Oh, sure, you were only looking at the pictures. Go stand outside with Cocke!" ..,

"Ay, Matees! Hoist da skull an' crossbones!! We be sailing inta da thick o' dis OBA/entrenchment battle..."

"Look ye at da ASOP an' da ASOP(rev); note ye how dey both have da unit(s) 'advancing' before da FFE take effect. 'Nother half-point for da home-boys..."

"Look lively, men! Here we go!! . . . FIRE!!!!!!!!!" ...