"Off the Maginot...through the Ardennes...nothing but Blitzkrieg!"

Best slam I ever heard on the 1940 French was that they were not so much a nation of Soldiers as a nation of Maitre De's: "Table for three Million?? Step this way M'seur!" When they finally managed to find someone they could beat in a fight it was Greenpeace.

The question of french AFV's with 1MT came up. There was sound reasoning behind france's decision to utilize the 1MT. The commander could escape quickly while the rest of the crew (referred to as Le Fool and Le Idiot) were burned below. Actually the commander sat OUTSIDE of the turret on a cute little bench. This actually allowed him to flee even quicker. Sometimes without even bothering to let his crewmen know he was leaving. They had some great names painted on them though, Invincible, Impassible, Imbecile. Ya gotta like that in a tank.

NASCAR is not a sport. Rednecks love it because of the two easy rules:
1. Go fast!
2. Turn left...

Oh, please, get real. I can't believe you wienies are arguing over Bulge vs. Burma. Its the Italians that rule! At least your bad boys had weapons. And rations. And a leader other than Mussolini. Face it, even a cowering Eytie is braver than a Heroic ANZAC, simply for surviving.

So bring on those tin-can-driving pasta-cooking worn-boot-wearing fancy-dressing vino-drinking peasant-charming biplane-flying old-gun-toting Roman-loving cigar-smoking love-song-singing camp-stove-coaxing German-sneering white-flag-waving family-missing no-coat-having transport-sailing MG-jamming war-enduring lovable Italian bastards!

> Brian "paint 'em green for all I care, they're sill crazy for
> jumping out of a perfectly good airplane" Williams

Speaking as one who used to jump out of said planes, let me say that anyone who describes those planes as "perfectly good" has never seen them up close.

Taken from the Oxford English Dictionary, 1998 edition:

typio (tipiyoh) n. pl. pos Inf. a Tapiographical error. Usually found in literature/rules/scenarios of Advanced Squad Leader. Often inexplicable in nature, rumoured not to be a mistake on many occasions.

When I went to ASLOK last year (My first trip to the USA. My second will be this year's ASLOK.) I was deeply amused by the tendency of Americans to refer to 'Bonsai charges'. What do they think the Japanese did, charge at you with sharpened pruning shears?

> I can't imagine where leaving units and concealment counters
> offboard would serve any legitimate purpose other than for
> confounding "counter counting", but countering counter counting
> can be accomplished by putting OB-given concealment counters on
> units that would ordinarily grow one anyway.

To which I can only say:

Counter to certain contagious conversations, counter-counting is contrary to correct craft. Combat counter-counting cautiously. Confounded by counter-concealment-counter counting and countered by correct counter composition, it is merely complementary to complete counter-classification.

> Where did you find this woman and, more importantly, where can I buy one?!

Ha! Not a chance. It requires that you attend a small, expensive liberal arts college in New England for four years, then spend the next two years being convincingly utterly miserable until she agrees to marry you. Then, ten years later, you may get in a few one-board, infantry-only games.

FT03 - "Terroristen !!" (Terroristen - France - 25/07/44) Are you ready for this: Indians (from India) in German uniforms vs French partisans. Talk of kinkiness, if ASL was sex, this would be a crime in Alabama.

I think this one is better for solitaire, although I would rather bash my head gainst a wall.

So, don't use it immediately, except to try it out and send comments to JR. JR has received many useful comments, and will be looking to incorporate these ideas into ASLAR.

JR has also noticed a couple ASLAR entries that look like they might be real. JR will deal with that problem once he has addressed the bigger issues.

JR has also started talking about himself in the third person. What has he in hisss pocketses?

Humanization and mollycoddling annuals is a grave aberration as they have their own ethics. The tree gets cut, ripped to shavings, treated with chemicals, cooked, waltzed, tensioned, strained, hydraulically pressed, cut and winded up. The printing is brutally stomped on it, it's cut again, bent, pierced multiple times in the middle. It's pressed again, packed, kept in the dark. Delivered by snail-mail (a special torture), the envelope ripped. You get the point? It *likes* it, as it has some SM-predeliction due to being conditioned to it from its birth on.

So cutting out the scenarios is actually what it *wants*. It squeaks in anticipation when it feels the X-acto knife. It's not interested in being hugged and kissed. If you want to hug and kiss, buy a hamster, that will love being pampered until it dies of fatty degeneration of the heart. Annuals like being treated tough and rough so they are one of the rare left ideal company for men.

In Commisar's House, I was the defending Russians. I had some HIPs outside a building with a nice shot at one of the intersection hexes on the approach to the bigger fortified building. During play, some of my front-liners were falling back and ended up in the building next to my HIPs. For one stinking moment, I swear I convinced myself I was the Germans, and revealed my own HIP guy, figuring I'd shoot up those lousy Russians while adjacent. My German opponent had a hell of a good laugh over that one.

> Rule D3.54 states that "vs AFV: A vehicular mounted MG may not
> attempt a To Kill attack unless it is the vehicle's MA." Why?

One should ask "why?" about the ASL rules precisely as often as one should draw to an inside straight in poker: never.

Never, never, never.

That way lies Madness, Reality Arguments, Variant Rules, Ugly Exchanges on the Internet, and a lifetime of dissatisfaction with the Best Of All Possible Wargames. Just don't.

Based on those two scenarios, my tactical advice is not to try and defend Board 17 with troops that have an affinity toward Stalinism.

Played A32 Zon With the Wind last night with Scott Goehring. We started the Market Garden campaign game in the '91 Annual and I took the Germans. I learned three lessons last night:

1. Read the victory conditions.
2. READ EVERY WORD OF THE VICTORY CONDITIONS!
3. And after you've read the victory conditions, RE-READ AND UNDERSTAND THE VICTORY CONDITIONS!!!

>PS: Include airfields - lots of them! Fighting for airfields is
>glorious! Airfields rule too! Especially ones with runways. There
>must have been runways in Burma that were fought for!

A scientific study found that 4 out of 5 pilots prefer to land at airfields with runways. :)

Ways in which playing ASL resembles going out with the girl of your dreams:

1) Costs a lot of money
2) Keeps you waiting all the time? (BTW, is the annual in stores yet?)
3) Makes others pale in comparison?
4) Can be at times difficult to figure out?
5) Requires some lamination?
6) She's subject to Errata without notice, and occasionally goes Berserk.
7) Conversation is subject to Random Direction.
8) Your CC (Credit Card) becomes subject to her HoB (Heat of Buying).
9) She is always on the Field Phone.

but on the upside...

10) You can't get a Replacement [page] for her...

If the ATTACKER has vehicles named after a predatory animal with a keen sense of smell (e.g. Tiger or Panther, but not Crocodile), then the initial wind direction is towards the attacker's friendly board edge. Such animals will always stalk prey from downwind, so the ATTACKER's forces may be assumed to be at least that smart.

> The ANZACs are given stealth but no reason is stated why.

They're all sheep farmers and are used to creeping up quietly on them.......

> BTW, has anyone noticed that in a few days Jan Ullrich will become
> the first German ever to win the Tour de France?

Yeah, but it's only because Rommel was under orders to go straight ahead.

> You also need to sulk a lot and force the Japanese to attack you on
> a narrow front

I'm sulking quite a bit but Alain is attacking all over the place. This clearly doesn't work

> I see more players appreciate the one inch size than just myself .

And we wonder why there are so few women ASLers . . .

> Why have Concealment Counters a printed ML of 7?

That's easy! Because, as we all know, "?" counters are much superior to Italian troops.

> Take the fictional (for now) question
> "Can two SMC jointly bake a cake?".

Depends on how righteous the joint is.

> I tried the "kinney" location but my links appear to be old.

Just as sometimes an aging hunter, without lifting his gun, quietly watches the proud buck peacefully grazing, there are times when the straight line should roam free, unharried by wit.

The truth is that Andy already is a clone; or, more specifically, an artificially mutated genetically engineered autonomous humanoid. Portions of the DNA of Tate Rogers, Patrik Manlig and Gary Fortenberry were surreptitiously collected by agents of the ATF and recombined with additional genetic material from several species of primate who most closely match the average ASL player (notably the West African Gibbon and Angolan Blue-Buttocked Orangutan), a pinch of New England clam chowder, several doses of road salt and a shredded copy of the ASL Manual (including all errata pages through "Croix de Guerre" but not the Q&A from the Annuals), shaken not stirred, and set to simmer for six to eight weeks.

The results were a series of increasingly aggressive males with bad posture, sloping forheads and a pronounced squint, possessed of a natural talent for wargaming and serious difficulty finding the Spellchecker on their copies of Eudora.

Following is the introductory details for one of Australia's finest and most innovative competitions, OCTOBear 97. Organised by those wonderful Paddington Bears this unique competition will bring together the Koala Hit Squad and the greatest ASL minds and bodies gracing this fine country. (McGilchrist will also be present)

I'd like a new counter: "donkey" counters. They would be 5/8", mustard-yellow background with a brown donkey-head on the front. On the back, white-background with bold lettering - THIS UNIT SUCKS.

Take 'em all upstairs, abandon them there, move dowstairs and do some Kindling. No need to worry about that pesky Ammo Shortage SSR with this one either...

I've found that the rule book does not state that the dice used in ASL are six sided. Lately, I've been rolling two four-sided dice. It helps quite a bit! Or, you could play with a six sided die that has two "1's", two "2's" and two "3's"! Hey, the rules don't say!

Walter "Forgive me if this has been covered ... I Digest" Eardley

> Hey everyone! Twin girls have joined our family!!

Congratulations!
You must be Fanatic to avoid Cowering when you got doubles!

NRBH, Can Dummies use Sewer Movement? Could be quite a gas ;-)

Didn't Popiel do a lot of military work before WWII? I seem to remember the Germans having a couple of Popiel Pocket Battleships.

I can tell you it's not pretty getting overrun by those dragon wagons.

Oh and Mike McGrath. He won't be able to join the ASLML anytime soon. You see he doesn't exist. He is the product of evil tourney directors who don't want to give up first prize. 6 or 7 rounds into the event they say "Oh look McGrath is 6-0 he wins." Nobody ever sees him or plays him. Those who say they have are toadies of the International Tournament Director Cabal. They will jump up shortly and cry foul at my disclosing this to the gaming world. Even as I type this Russ is dropping all those Wrasslin games I submitted as AREA ASL wins from my record.

Mike Davis, Principal
Monticello High School
Monticello, Illionois 61856

Tip : Don't make 3 wuman wave attacks simultaniously, the enemy CAN get ROF.

Place some of your reserve Militia Co in the wooden rubble of V13 and V12 next to Pribayatinskaya street with the ATR welding unit in V12.

Us postal workers don't use sniper rifles, we tend to like things like AK-47's, you know, we aren't just after one or two co-workers, the idea is to get as MANY as you can.

A long long time ago
I can still remember how those dice rolls used to make me smile;
And I knew with the right OB
That I could win a victory
And maybe try for Grofaz in a while

But November made me shiver
With each email Paul'd deliver
Marshals at the door bell
Left nothing for him to sell ...

(I started singing)
Bye bye, All American Pie
Drove my tank to the bank but the gully was dry
The good ol' boys were playin' in the Kunai
Singing "This'll be the day that I whine"
"This'll be the day that I whine"

[Hey Mad Dog, hey Bubba, tell them who we are.]

Well, we're big-mouthed whiners, wanna-be rule refiners
And we play the game wherever we go [that sounds like us]
When we meet folks from out-of-city, the bond is instant-sticky
And we tell the wives to go catch a show [but does it work?]
We write to the 'net, take all the slander we can get
But the thrill we've never known, is the thrill that'll getcha
When your name's in the bi-line on the cover of the ASL Annual

CHORUS:
ASL Annual
Wanna see my name on the cover
Wanna buy five copies for my mother [Yeah!]
Wanna see my name in lights, on the cover of the ASL Annual

Dashing 'cross Tramvanaya
The way I always do
How on earth was I to know that
He'd roll snakes on 4 down 2

I thought I'd smoked the kill stack
I took a little risk
Send Stukas, Sturm and Brumbars
Dice, get me out of this

> (Picture a Jap charging out of the brush, brandishing a sword at the
> lone US NCO who got separated from his squad. Could, and should, get bloody.)

Only on one side. The giant goofball in the bazaar in the first Indiana Jones movie had a big sword, too. Mr. hundred-folded, spirit of the wind, ancestral katana, meet Mr. 1911A1 .45 ACP. Seven bowling balls in the chest and the Marine Corps has another souvenir to show the grandkids.

> As I have been away from ASL for a number of years I was wondering
> what had happened to the IIFT.

Uh oh. Another one.

Ahem. Please look directly at your computer screen for a moment.

[FLASH!]

There now. Just sit down, your feeling of disorientation will pass. Please read carefully:

You are comfortable, happy and secure. You distinctly remember just now winning Winter Wonderland, as the German, having given the American the balance. You had bad dice but your superior skills won.

You used the IFT to win this game, and now you realize that the IFT is the only real FT. You are confident and steadfast in your newfound belief that the IIFT is a pointless adornment on a game system that simply doesn't need it. Skill, luck and audacity will win every scenario, regardless of what FT you use, so why not just use the original? And you, pal, are the definition of skilled, lucky and audacious.

You will sleep now, and wake up after 30 minutes feeling refreshed, happy and safe. You will never even think about the IIFT again.

SLEEP!

We of the Church of Raaco despise the heathen Plano-bearers and their ilk, with their ugly white boxes with large ungainly pockets. Store your Counters as God intended, for both ease of retreival and aesthetic beauty, in rugged, durable and customizable Raaco trays. Like all paths to Salvation, the Road to Raaco Righteousness is not easy, but as we who have weathered the treacherous journey can attest, the view from the pinnacle is breathtaking.

Brother Tracy, can I hear an "Amen"?

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the list,
Not a newbie was stiring afraid of Phlegm's fist;

The keyboards were hung by the rulebooks with care,
in hopes that St. Curtis soon would be there.

The grognards were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of PTO swam in their heads;

And Brian in his kerchief and Perry on the run,
had just settled their brains 'cause some Minors were done.

Would someone send me a list of scenarios that they believe would be good 3 person games. The ASL Illowa Club (ASLIC, pronouned "ass lick") here in the beautiful Quad Cities bordering these oceans of corn known as Illinois and Iowa, has now grown to 3 people.

On the ASLML, there are three distinct levels of "realism:"

1. Reality as Represented by War Movies.
In this version of the so-called Reality Argument, players demand the ability to recreate moments from their favorite films, such as Steve McQueen taking out a pillbox with a thrown DC ("Hell is for Heroes"), George C. Scott shooting down a FB'42 with a pistol ("Patton") and Donald Sutherland firing paint rounds into Tiger Tanks ("Kelly's Heroes"). ...

2. Reality as Represented by Memoirs of Former Nazis
Also known as "The Wittmann Sampler," this theory takes as gospel verbatim truth any and all claims made by Wehrmacht veterans, especially those involving King Tigers hiding in Bocage taking out 3 tanks with one shot. ...

3. Reality as Represented by the Internet
This last group, the saddest and most deluded of all, clings tenaciously to a variety of precepts, all grounded in the tragic misapprehension that what they read on web pages and email must be true. Among the most laughable of their beliefs are: The ASL Record tells you if a scenario is balanced. The ASLML Ladder is an accurate indication of a player's ability ...

None of these versions of "Reality" has any resemblance to "Real Life" which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

Lou, bored, goes channel surfing:
(switch)
New Episode of "Law and Good Order"

Ray Tapio: "Pssssttt. Wanna buy a scenario? "

ASL'er: "I don't know dude, the cops might be watching."

RT: "This is good shit, trust me. Playtested and everything. Not one errata. Pure baby. Look at the quality of the paper, even the colors match."

ASL'er: "Avalon Hill said the stuff might make me go blind, and Curt Schillings been doing all those "Just say Nien to TP swine." commercials. I mean is it safe?"

RT: "Sure its safe, I've been playing the stuff for years. I'm OK. Come on, just have a taste."

ASL'er: "I don't know man .... "

RT: "Its on me. The first hits for free. Here try some "All American", the stuff will make you airborne. This Finnish stuff is pretty amazing also."

ASL'er "Man, this looks so good. Is any one watching? I mean whats a little scenario gonna do to me, I'm a big boy ...."

Announcer: "Folks don't let this happen to you. Thousands of ASL players every year go down the road to ruin spending all their hard earned money on third party scenarios when they should be feeding their children or buying stuff from Avalon Hill like "Wrasslin" or "Merchants of Venus". Only you can prevent this tragedy from happening."

"Just say Nien"

Brought to you by the Council for Regulated Monopolies

One FTF tactic that I left out of my AAR earlier this afternoon: my dog, fine gaming guest that she is, was apparently so angry when Steve Petras got his second critical hit on my second Croc, that she took a dump right under the dining room table.

On his side.

5 minutes after coming in from his yard.

There is something virtuous and morally uplifting in hard lessons learned--by someone else.

Kurt left out the part about the Dott's stealing the Christmas tree and the Tapio's last can of Who-Hash.

> It is against the Geneva Convention to fire a .50 cal/12.7 mm
> DIRECTLY AT a combatant...

This actually came up during my army training way back when. The instructor told us the 50 was ONLY to be used against enemy equipment.

With a wink he then reminded us that enemy uniforms are equipment.