Brought to you LIVE from the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium, it's the 1998a Spuddy Awards!

Good evening everyone and welcome to the Spuddy Awards! And a special welcome to my lovely and talented co-host Jeri Ryan! Jeri, why don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?

"Sure Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL List during the first half of 1998. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Jeri! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1998A!

Curt "Tech support is slang for assface" Schilling

David "with his finger in a dyke" Olie
David "ya gotta Lovat" Olie

John "Recon by fire, then smash it flat" Appel

Brian "I know when to shut up; some people, when you tell them to shut up just keep going and going and going; not me, when someone tells me to shut up, I follow their advice and shut up, no chit chat for me, I shut right up and don't say a word,. .." Williams

Eddie Zeman:
"NO FISHING IN THE VOLGA!"
"Bubba, is that your bar of soap at my feet?"
"The scenario is always balanced...when I win"
"Cultural transition to France is making my girlfriend grow her underarm hair like a chimpanzee"

Dan Dolan:
Ya gotta love a Roller Babe at least once in your life.
I got the Defender of Hawaii ribbon. Them Japs didn't come back when I was there
Sees no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane screaming the name of a dead indian.
I know I'm not crazy. The giant pink rhinopottamus told me so.

Kent Henson: Battlin' Bastard for 'Bama

Chris "Don't piss me off, I'm a postal employee" Barlow

Don "Hey Moe, I keep thinkin, but nuttin happens!" Petros

Doug "purveyor of fine ampersands" Lundquist

Wayne "keyboard clutz? or possessed by a 5th std dev comic?" Hadady

Perry Cocke: "Cockistocracy--Government by the worst"

Rusty Witek:
"Zeno's Paradox means that Exit CVP for an Achilles are NA"
"I don't see how there can be so many antisocial loner pathological killers out there--I don't know a single one"

Paul "If you can't convince them, confuse them" Kenny

Greg "Hand over the Plano and no one gets hurt" Dahl

Dave Johnson: "Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not an assault engineer!"

I showed up with my ASLRB and my son, 4 Cokes, 2 beers, 3 bologna sandwiches, 2 bottles of milk and about 14 tons of baby gear. Got a few funny looks, then settled in at a corner table with the playpen, the bouncy seat (if you don't have kids, don't ask) and my first beer of the morning.

Carl describing how one of Scott's attacks against his FB was negated by a rules check: "At the last minute a member of the US Army Legal Brigade deflected the shot with his briefcase!"

> Note the words "first" and "fire" in the term "Subsequent First
> Fire" -- "Defensive First Fire" does't ever mean just the very
> first shot you take.

What you don't want to note are the words "subsequent" and "first" in the term "Subsequent First Fire," since the former means "following another" while the latter means "coming before in order" so that when you add it up "Subsequent First Fire" means the kind of "first" fire that comes after other fire, making it both first and not first simultaneously, so that you might even think it might be better off being called "Middle Fire," except that might be confusing because then someone might think that that would mean that you would have to fire at the unit in the "middle" of the hex, thus eliminating Snap Shots, and so that wouldn't be right either.

So just don't think about it.

For the uninitiated, here's a few ASL terms as used in Boston:

"Baud" - The map or playing area
"Cotton" - A cardboard box to hold your bauds
"CS" - A department store where you can find Plano and sturdy cottons
"Maureen car" - the US troops that fought in the Pacific
"Mock at prept" - "Place a 'Prep Fire' counter on that unit."
"Wee id" - Eerie or strange, like rolling back to back boxcars in CC

    >  Best regards to all of you ,  "non-frog-speakers"  ;-))
    > < !DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD W3 HTML//EN">
    > & nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp;& nbsp; 

Now, I'm not sure about the first line there, but I'll bet the French to English dictionary would translate "& nbsp" to roughly "nyaaah". Or "begat".

Hmm.

You catch more flies with sugar...well, or dead stuff, but that's not really helpful.

To me, dedication and commitment are much the same. Then again, a lot of people think that commitment and involvement are the same as well. Here's a story I heard once about the difference between commitment and involvement:

"The difference between commitment, and to a great extent dedication, and involvement can be seen by a typical Midwestern breakfast. Eggs, ham or bacon, toast, juice, etc. Looking at this spread once can clearly see that the chicken is involved in this breakfast. On the other hand, the pig is committed to this breakfast."

I would love to provide an AAR from the Madness, however, I remember NOTHING after Russ "shut up and DIE" Bunten pounded me like his prison bitch* in the first round...

* If there are in fact any "prison bitches" on the list I apologize for slandering your good name in equating your lifestyle choices with my horrible play.

[We are] a bunch of 30-50 year old, balding, weight gaining, Dorito munching, Hogan's Heroes & Combat watching, dice rolling goobers. I am proud to be a member of this group :-)

Either this is a very well thought out opinion or this cold pizza I'm eating is already bad... Good Night Gentlemen, by tomorrow, I will have forgotten that I wrote this...

The scene: some hip, way cool, coffee bar. Young people dressed in their best 'Look, I bought my entire wardrobe at the Goodwill for 79 cents' clothing are huddled around tiny tables, drinking coffee, and listening to some hip music. In the middle of the place is a huge 8x3 table, where our heroes sit....

Xer #1: Dude, while you were slamming your Mt.Dew in an extreme way, I was like CHing your PzIVF1 over in x9.

Xer #2: Ah man, that kills my entire attack, you win. Let's get stoned!

Xer #3: Cool!!

Voiceover: These moro...er cool Mt. Dew drinking, VW driving, Spice Girl listening, Melrose Place watching, baggy pants wearing, pot smoking, fine young men play ASL. Do you??

"ASL, play it, or you like, SUCK!!!"

> ... I have always wondered why more women  aren't involved 
> in the hobby. It seems that the standard explanation is
> usually "it's too violent" or "woman aren't interested in war"

Not at all...I think it's just that women are far more sensible than men.

Linda: "Hon, what's that?"
Paul: "It's ASL, a tactical wargame."
Linda: (looking at the thickness of the rulebook) "And you get paid to memorize that?"
Paul: "Au contraire, dear, I've paid over $500 to, ummm, never mind..."

See, there's this thing that happens to men when they get married. Their brains begin to die. It just happens. And no, it has nothing to do with sex, which is to marriage what whipped cream is to a bowl of Jello - it makes it look real appetizing, but it's gone before you know it and there's nothing left but a cold, squirming mass of ... well this analogy isn't going where I thought so I leave it there.

I really couldn't believe the stuff on the list about this topic over the past week. Look, a DC is a package of HE delivered to your doorstep by 1 or 2 guys. This is a hazardous occupation. Any sort of cover will be appreciated. Night would be best, but in a pinch, any sort of vision hindrance will help. Smoke is good. Fog is good. Anything that will make it easier for those guys to sneak around. Kind of like delivering a subpoena.

Your post reminded me of my trip to Cairo, Egypt in 1992. The strongest impression I have of the Sahara is the brown. Brown here, brown there, brown everywhere. Brown, brown, brown. Everywhere brown. The sand is brown -- and there's sand everywhere. And where there's sky there's also sand. Brown sand. It's hard to communicate how brown (okay, mebbe it was a tannish brown) the Sahara is.

> One other thing we learn here in the states. If it weren't for 
> "the states" the French would be learning math in German.

Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for the French in the Revolutionary War, Americans would be learning math in English!

> I'd like to second those who believe that the Allied High command
> was the main culprit for the disaster in 1940.

I blame the Germans.

My "significant other" of the time and I had a debate over the fact that I may have been playing wargames a little too often. (The fact that I may or may not have been is not at issue at this time!) Upon my return to the apartment I found that she had "liberated" ALL of my wargames from the confinement of their boxes/respective storage containers and the counters were carpeting the entire floor! For MONTHS I had to try and find/separate/sort counters from ASL, SL (all 4 modules!), WSIM, D-DAY ('77), Flight Leader, Air Force, Tactics II, Afrika Korps, and who knows what else. As we moved I was still finding counters in various nooks & crannies.

Q: How does a Marine say "airplane"?
A: (pointing at sky and looking up) "Unh, unh, unh!"

Now, what is really the difference between these two units? While many have tried to find the answer in terms of training or historical performance, after close scrutiny I have found that the answer lies on the counters themselves. Take any Marine and any Paratrooper MMC and place them side-by-side, good order side up. Look very carefully at the spot just to the right and above the morale value (where a superscript would be). Do you see it? The marks that look like a quotation mark? The ones that are commonly used in the English measurement system to represent inches?

That explains it all.

> Why do the ? counters have a 7 morale on them?

Because they are Airborne, not Marines

>> 1) Post WWII Turkish and Greek Civil Wars
>               ^^^^^^^
>	Ahem... I must've been sleeping when that happened. :-)

Let's face it Bahadir, you get more than one Turk in one room and you're on the verge of a civil war anyway.

> OK Seulowitz.. I've got three small words for you..
> K-O-A-L-A   H-I-T     S-Q-U-A-D

Oooo - I'm soooooo afraid!

Look, first of all, you wanna intimidate me, try using a symbol a little bit more frightening than a leaf munching throw-pillow. You want bears? Come out to U.S. of Freakin A. and I'll show you bears that can rip a man in half with one swipe of the claw. We're talkin serious bears, here - not wimpy little stuffed toys with big sad eyes and ears like Prince Charles.

The people at HQ told the Gurka leader that they would dropped from low flying planes. The Gurka leader asked how low and how fast. The answer was something like 1000ft travelling at 120 mph. The Gurka leader went back to confer with his men and then came back and asked if they could go lower, HQ suggested 800ft. Away the Gurka leader went and then came back and asked if the drop could be even lower. The commander at HQ asked how low and the Gurka leader said about 300ft. At this point the commander said "But at 300ft the parachutes won't have time to open properly" to which the Gurka replied "Parachutes? What parachutes?"

Both "Dash for the Bridge" and "To the Square" claim to involve a structure called the "Most Slaski Bridge." "Most," in Polish, means "bridge," so "Most Slaski" (which they were translating) means the "Slaski Bridge." Unfortunately, the scenario cards now refer to it as the "Slaski Bridge Bridge."

Worst Groaner, to Perry Cocke:

OK, so maybe this has been obvious to everyone else, but at Wednesday night's playtest we finally figured out why Dolan has it in for Francophones.

He's Phlegmish.

Which also explains why he doesn't understand the Walloon Advantage rules.

>  Is Dr. Jeff Shields gonna smell like fish?  (one of my roomies)

No, but you might catch a case of nasty crabs if you spend much time with him.

I tried the film cannister approach once, the system just didn't develop the way I hoped it would.

Like Herman Goering said: "We luft to fly - and it schows!"

Given what REALLY tends to happen in combat situations, perhaps someone should devote their brainpower to developing the EIFT (Excremental IFT)? ...but then we'd have to throw the dice at a fan, I suppose...could create a s*@tload of grief at tournies.

> I can see it now.....separate counters for Dobermans, Alsacians,
> and Chihuahuas (triple small target size).  We'd need a complete
> new TK chart for all the different breeds.  Or mayhaps we could
> get away with just a dog size TK DRM?  What about canine ELR?

I dunno. Seems to me all the scenarios would be dogs. And just who would have pre-scenario woofing rights?

Bruce "would there be an ALPO depletion number?" Kelley

I can't find the definition of "Ground Unit" in the Index - does it refer to a unit that has just been eliminated by OVR?

Well the 97b Spuddies are out. I mentioned to my family at dinner that I was mentioned in these prestegious awards and the conversation went as follows.

Youngest son Tim: Right dad, who cares?

Oldest son Dan jr.: What the hell's a Spuddy?

Wife, she of biting wit: That got anything to do with them child molesting, smelly-assed ASL freaks you know?

Tough scenario for the Brits, I do believe. But to his credit, Aaron managed to keep that 'stiff upper lip' through the worst of it:

1) (after 2KIA against concealed stack) "Gee, I guess they're not concealed anymore"
2) (after critical hit on said hero) "You can shoot at him again when he lands"

In an attempt to make my wife go crazy, I believe that I have space for a little more PBeM.

> Plus red stars on the scenario card.  (Didn't they always have
> them?  You don't mean you were _photocopying_ them?  I am shocked.  Shocked!)

Oh, no, I never made photocopies, perish forbid! But, to emulate Ronald Reagan's expert deployment of the passive voice, we could go as far as to say: photocopies were made.

What's all this then about counter storage systems? You mean you guys reuse the counters?

I'm sorry. I just can't get behind the ziplock thing. Too much emotional baggage.

Back in the SL days (before Ziplock), we used to roll up the lads in plain old baggies, in a manner we were accustomed to rolling up certain herbacious substances (Russian infantry was 3 fingers). Every time I think of counters in a bag, I remember fondly the herbacious substances, my care-free youth, etc....

Last time I started thinking that way was between 14000' and 16000' on my way up Denali. I ended up quitting my real job and going back to school for yet ANOTHER degree, which won't do me a bit of good and I may or may not complete.

Can't afford for that kinda shit to be happenin'.

Emotionally, I must use Plano.

> Those of you who are still with me, I'm curious to hear what 
> you think.
> 
> Tom
> "Step 1 is recognizing you have a problem"

Step 2 is making a big colorful table to show you exactly how big that problem is, and the probabilities of you doing a damned thing about it.

> In ASL terms I would have thought the Stalingrad terrain 
> would have been ideal for the dogs.

Oh, but it was. Especially when the food ran out.

> There was no observed difference between the distribution for dice
> rolled in the bowel versus dice rolled in the tower.

Rolling in the bowel would certainly explain those "sh&%$y" die rolls...

> As an aside, the almost 5 yr old likes to "play" squad leader. 
> We get out some boards and counters and make up the rules as we go.

Doesn't everyone?????

> I prefer to deploy one squad and HIP the resulting HSs.  One HS
> goes with the radio operator so that he can enjoy the benefits of 
> HIP as well.  The other HS gets the PSK and sets up to nag a tank or two.

"Wipe your feet!" (FWOOSH! BLAM!)
"You never write any more!" (FWOOSH! WHAM!)
"Wash behinds your ears, Ami swine!" (WHUMP! SLAM!)
"Don't leave your vegetables on your plate! There are children starving in Dusseldorf!" (ZWISSHH!)

> Hey, the ASLRB isn't the Bible, and Mac isn't God.

OK, I can buy the idea that Mac isn't God. But that other part, about the Bible - what are you saying here?

> Rusty ("The Philistine OB contains one Goliath") Witek

Also, I've looked all through the ASLRB, and I can't find the "To Smite" table anywhere.

> I'll fire at those guys in the stone building.  Let's see, that's 
> on the "pi" column.  Hey, what is their smoke exponent?  2i?

Those would, of course be Russian smoke grenades.

> P.S. If anyone wishes test their Steel against a member of the
> Princess Patricia'a Canadian Light Infantry I await.

OK. My unit will take on yours. Meet us at 33E by 18N. Depth 400 feet.

BTW, my "unit" is a Trident Class Nuclear Submarine. Let me know when you can hold your breath long enough.

Anyone know the minimum recommended computer hardware to run VASL decently. I've tried running it on a Pentium with 32M RAM and it runs ok.

Running (VASL) on a 486/66 machine with 8M RAM I can take a polaroid of my screen, hop in my car, drive across country, slip the photo under my opponent's front door, drive back, and still find an hourglass on my screen telling me VASL is still processing my last command.

Is there some happy medium between the two?

> The dice have no memory, so why bother sucking up to them?

Oh but they do. They most certainly do. They are evil little cubes whose sole purpose in life is to induce heartache, spread misery, and offer a glimmer of hope to an other wise wretched life only to rip your heart from your chest while it is still beating.

> Bernard "want to win" Wilkerson

Yes, but at what cost? Do you really want to sleaze your way to the top? I was once where you are; a young man with dreams of taking on the world. VBM sleaze seemed an easy way to get there, and for awhile it worked. I was on top of the world. French tanks had meaning for me! But in the end it ripped apart my moral fiber. I began waking up with strange rulebooks, unable to remember to use sheet protectors in my greedy quest for just one more sleazy tactic that would allow me to win. A good game wasn't my goal anymore; tricking the opponent into a frenzied search through the rulebook was. Finally, I realized that I couldn't go on; my search for the ultimate sleaze was consuming my life. Luckily, Sleazers Anonymous was there to pull me out of the gutter. Don't let this happen to you. You can prevent it by just saying no to VBM Sleaze, the original Gateway Sleaze.

Brian "Admitted I was powerless over Sleaze, my life had become unmanageable" Williams

You know I get the feeling sometimes that VASL will someday be the death of the ASLML. Everybody will be over there playing and it'll just be me, Tabby, and Tate over here screaming at each other occasionally visited by some Swedish guys typing things like:

Hurgel ja himmel frect guven hact. Beir de haben ver klubelfloker.

Or something.

This is not directed at Steve personally, but after reading his post (and many others like it) I have to wonder if ASL players aren't the sorriest bastards on this sorry planet!? Jeez, the number of guys who trip, slip and tumble while carrying their ASL stuff is amazing! And could we pick MORE INTOLERANT significant others while we're at it? Those of us who haven't slipped a disc in some tragic ASL-stuff-related tumble seem to have had our stuff tossed and mixed like some great cardboard salad by countless numbers of these angered and ignored spouses and SOs. Anyone left seems to have a cat with bladder trouble, or 2-year-olds who aren't getting enough fiber in their diet, dooming maps and counters alike. :)

I'm gonna go home, take my wife out to dinner, tell her I love her dearly, appreciate her, and all that other mushy crap, and then go home and carry my trays of sorted counters ONE AT A TIME into the spare guest room, shut the door to keep my cat outta there, and never have kids.

> Semi-seriously, however, just wait 'till MMP or CH takes
> ASL into the Fifties.  Then we might see the Davey 
> Crockett- a recoiless-rifle launched nuclear round!  Yes,
> an LOS atomic weapon!  I'm not sure if FFMO/FNAM 
> would apply to the TH or the IFT DR....

Now that's what I call a HEAT round!

You would actually apply a combination, "FFNO" - Final Fire Nukin' in the Open, on the IFT - Irradiated Frying Table.

EC immediately become Dry and Very, Very Hot, but with an Overcast and Light Snow (aka "Fallout"). In a Night scenario, all affected Locations become illuminated - for several thousand years. All terrain becomes "Open Ground" [EXC: Valleys, Gullies], including Hills (hence the term "Ground Zero"). Stone Buildings become Rubble - on the adjacent map.

This is one way to solve the problem of how to penetrate a Tiger's frontal armor. "First, soften it up by melting the armor...."

The Davy Crockett crew are safe from the effects of their own weapon, unless the colored die of the TH DR is a "1". Then they have forgotten to apply their 30,000 factor sunblock and wear their Ray-Bans, and take their Roentgens like everyone else.

> 10.  A Jeep will NEVER take out a PzVIB

Actually, this CAN happen, but the correct approach is necessary. A short note, perhaps including poetry, has been known to work. Flowers are ALWAYS a nice touch. Or there's always the direct approach. I have seen many a Jeep standing shyly, headlights downcast, scuffing the mud with one tire and saying, "You know... I really LIKE you..."

> I also wish to agree with Bruce

(Thud)

Pod person - Tate's been replaced with a Pod person! You're next! YOU'RE ALL NEXT!

Curt Schilling versus the Cubs:
Suggested balance: add a 9-2 to Chicago and change the wind direction to "Blowing Out"

> Dan asked for the most memorable hex in ASL.

I believe my most memorable 'hex' in ASL is "screw the French, a pox upon them! Let them rot in Hell! I'm tired of these fucking one-man turrets with no radio!"

The death of Henri brought new fire to my eyes - and several bottles to my lips. Tossing aside the Chardonnay, I emptied the first bottle of Cognac and drove toward the Pz38t, stopping far enough away to avoid point-blank defensive fire. There we traded shots - six or maybe seven - my usual pinpoint accuracy negated by my emotional state, the brandy and the trembling hands of Arnaud, who wet himself like a small child when one 37mm shell struck the hull, making the car shake like my Aunt Euridice's huge derriere when she walks up a staircase.

"Possession is nine tenths of the VC." - Oliver Wendel Holmes
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and PBEM turns." - Benjamin Disraeli
"He who can, does. He who cannot, edits the Annual." - George Bernard Shaw
"One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a typical RB scenario." - Josef Stalin
"A lie told often enough becomes errata." - Lenin

Fifth Runner-Up, to Rob Seulowitz:

Newton's First Law of ASL:
"For every DRM there is an equal and opposite SAN"

"Talk funny you would, if hand up ass puppet you were"

Not a bad thing. Just a funky thing.
We'd be opening a REALLY BIG can of reality worms there.

Although I have been ASL-ibate close to two years now, I still occasionally find time to read messages from the ASL List, often with the same sense of anticipation and frustration as a 15-year old boy gazing at the centerfold in Playboy. And, like my youthful alter-ego, I usually sense that I don't really know what it's all about, and fear that when finally presented the opportunity, the encounter will be over very quickly.

> Been almost 24 Hrs since anything from the list.
> Are people still out there or am I the only person left on earth?

Big nuclear war. Not many left. I think you'll need to drive around the highways killing people for their gasoline, counter storage systems and official ASL dice. Good luck.

Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada....

Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 1998a! Congratulations to the winners and especially Mark! Along with my co-host Jeri Ryan, goodbye from the Civic Auditorium in Idaho Falls, drive safe everybody and roll low!