Brought to you LIVE from the Idaho Falls Civic Auditorium, it's the 1998b Spuddy Awards!

Good evening everyone and welcome to the Spuddy Awards! And a special welcome to my lovely and talented co-host Jeri Ryan! Jeri, why don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?

"Sure Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL List during the second half of 1998. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Jeri! And without further ado, we give you the SPUDDY AWARDS, 1998B!

My Parents named me after one of the Bee Gee's during the 70's, why didn't they just name me "Beat me up Regularly please" and have it tattood across my forehead

Mark "I wanna kill something, I don't want to argue semantics" Eyerman

Tom "I wish my mom knew about Tabby so she'd think I was normal" Jazzbutis

Stu "I am newbie, hear me roar... then hear me curse, spit and yell as I get my ass kicked in Defiance on Hill 30 repeatedly because I haven't learned the armor rules yet" Rubin

Doug "the Butcher of 4W9" Lundquist

Dave "(AREA) Chit for brains" Thiessen

Brian "I'm not crazy, you are too, am not, are too" Blad

David "stabbed in the rotunda" Olie
David "Lemmings of the world, uni i i i i i i i i i i i i i..." Olie

John "yes, I am babbling" Appel

Brian "been there, lost that" Williams

John "Is that a Polish tankette, or are you just happy to see me?' Slotwinski

Sam "The mind boggles so much more often in my later years" Belcher
Sam "I'm not a doctor, but I've played doctor." Belcher

Dave "Oatmeal stout - it's not just for breakfast anymore" Schipani
Dave "Doing my Perry impression, but without a mangy dead mammal stuck to my face" Schipani

Paul "The opinions stated above don't necessarily represent the opinion of anyone, anywhere, anyhow, anyway" Kenny

Greg "Our-governor-can-kick-your-governor's-ass" Dahl

Dave "I need to find a way to get laid for playing ASL" Connell

Rick "The fumes from the clear coat give you a better buzz than the fumes from the adhesive" Lubben
Rick "I trusted my ASL stuff with a minimum wage laminator operator" Lubben

Greg ("all y'all" is plural of "y'all". . .at least that's what they told me in Grad school in Virgina) Kildare

Alain "rule #1: find someone to surrender to" Chabot

Peter "born-to-be-wild" "b-b-bad-to-the-bone" "Nimbus-driving" "Madsen-gun-toting" Lageri

Loren "I can carry 6 donuts without using my hands" Casey

Ruari "Newbie means ya can cheat "em blind and put it down to stupidity" Truter

Best Nugget Dug Out of the ASLRB, to Richard Simonds:

From G10.2: "A non-Mule horse may not Animal-Pack a Gun of any type, nor may a Mule Animal-Pack a non-Pack Gun." Oh boy. I'm sure that rule gets pulled a lot. Is there a "non-Mule horse" counter so I don't get confused in those Horse/Mule scenarios? What if I have a donkey?

In ASL it is possible to rubble even the stoutest bulidings or bridges. Fortify "em you say? Doesn't matter, enough HE or an AFV will rubble damned near anything.

Who the hell is the architect/engineer/metallurgist/future alien technologist that designed the damned WALLS in this game?? What prompts this dumb question is the wall that runs along hexes R15 and S14 on the Berlin: Red Vengeance map. This apparently indestructible monument to all that is permanent CANNOT be destroyed or breached. This wall then proceeds to shut down the beautiful (if pedictable) LOS from X17 (corner of the Reichstag) across the Moltke bridge. It essentially forces the German to divide his entire defense. I had always thought that the "Berlin Wall" went up in when, "61?

Set a DC in the hex, it remains. Run over it with big stinkin' tanks (even while making the appropriate tank noises...) it stays. 280+ NOBA, shrugs it off. I am the wall, hear me roar. Any of these things will most likely, after enough attempts even with MY crappy DR's, destroy even the stoutest bridge or building. Yet I can unleash the fury of the dying German Army upon this wall and it, like all others, remains resolute, taunting me.

Best Slam on the French, to Tate Rogers talking about the World Cup final:

> Sorry Tate, even this time I can't agree with you:
> there a French people who are supporters of Brasil:
>
> I am very sad after this defeat.

WOW!!!

Even the French don't like the French!

Best Slam on Alabamans, to Dave Schipani:

Oh, man, this is so depressing. Look at the people on this list - nuclear physicists, chemistry PhDs, college professors, aerospace engineers... Why the hell am I bothering to try to learn this game? What's the point? You've obviously got to be damn near a genius to...

Oh, wait a sec, there's a guy from Alabama...

Whew! I feel much better now.

Best Insight Into Australians, to Bruce Probst:

> I will answer your other (earlier) questions about the TRBH
> CG as soon as I can (I have been immobilised by falling down
> stairs, and at present Mark McGilchrist is away on holiday).

The small handful of non-Australians on the list are probably not aware of the catastrophe of an injury like this: an immobilised man CAN'T GET TO HIS BEER!

Worst Groaner, to Trev Edwards talking about ASLOK:

I'm hoping that there are some Australians there this year so we can try some hand to hand Wombat...

> Sorry one other question that I have always meant to ask...
> How many of you/us have had any combat experience?

Your question will be answered in an upcoming National Geographic special about some anthropological research that was done by Diane Fossey before she went off to Africa.

The show is entitled: "Guerrillas On The List".

Most Stunning Revelation, to Ken McManamy:

> I'm not sure what you mean here, Bob. However, I have an
> inkling. You might want to check the back of some of your
> resid counters, there should be a few with 12FP printed on them. :-)

Cripes!!! Are you telling me that there's stuff printed on the BACK of all these damned counters??

Best Machiavellian Deviousness, to JR Tracy, responding to questions about preparing for a tourney:

> How much space do I need to leave on the wall for my plaque?

Do like I do - make your own. My wife will only let me go to tourneys as long as I keep winning them, so I have a stack of plaques in a closet pre-engraved with "ASL Champion".

Best New Rule, to Rob Seulowitz:

> A German conscript would most likely be 10 Mousers.

Now HERE's a serious problem for ASL! I had no idea that 436 counters were actually representing CATS.

We need new ERRATA right away:

1. 436s "land on their feet" and therefore suffer no ill effects as a result of falling while Scaling.
2. 436s can climb orchards, but must pass an NTC to get down or the player must call the fire department.
3. 436s must make a "Dart Accross The Room Chasing Nothing At All Task Check" (DATRCNAATC) before moving from one interior building hex to another; failure requires that the unit go CX and enter every enterable Location in the building at least once.

I think the easy solution is to randomly select the random selection rules that are to be used.

Best Board Storage Idea, to Sam Belcher:

First, I carefully pealed the maps sheets off the "boards" and soaked the maps in perservative for thirty days. Then I laminated the maps.

I have built a "smallish" pyramid in my back yard. The pyramid is made of granite, and is about 10 feet by 10 feet by 6 feet (high). The boards are stored flat in a "vault" between the bottom layers of the stone.

Of course, since we get a fair amount of rain, I've added tar to the outside to seal the "vault" against the rain. This prevents wrinkling, curling, and all manor of damage to the boards.

Last, I added Wire and Mines all around the pyramid to discourage "grave robbers". Entrance to the vault is through a tunnel from my kitchen (the kitchen itself is fortified).

Hey, these could be the last maps I ever get!

Best ASL Weather Report, to Paul Venard:

Probably drifting away from the original thread a bit, but thought I'd mention that I just finished Farley Mowat's *And No Birds Sang* ... it almost seems that if Mowat would have had a daily weather forecast available, it probably would have read, "150mm Showers again today"

Best Head-Scratcher, to Ian Daglish:

> If you never buy a CH product buy this one. Its design is a
> thing of beauty.

And if you REALLY never buy a CH product, make sure you get SCOTLAND THE BRAVE, too.

Clearest Sign of Trouble Brewing, to Stu Rubin:

This morning while driving my girlfriend to work I showed her the ASLRB and told her a little about the system. Brief synopsis of the conversation that followed:

Susie: Can you teach me how to play?

Stu: Well, it's pretty detailed. I'm still learning the system myself.

Susie: Is it hard? Do you have to read the whole book?

Stu: Yes [Brief description of ASLRB contents follows]. It's a system that stresses realism so there's a lot to learn.

Susie: Well as long as it's just a hobby and not an obsession.

Stu: Right.

Best Indication That The Trouble Has Brewed, to Jonathan Williamson:

Once I talked my girlfriend into playing Fighting Withdrawal.... My HIP MG let the first wee lot past and then minced a SMC and 2 MMC.

"You can't do that!" said she.
"I can, I don't have to show my HIP lads at the first LOS".
"Lets see the HIP rules" She asked.

While I leaned down to pick up the rule book and find the rule section. I was asked 2 questions which I did not put together at the time but you can see it coming.

"You can play any battle that took place during WW2?"
"Yes"
"When did the Yanks drop the first atom bomb?"
"WW2"
At this point the board is folded in half and lanched of the balcony.

"There now the Irish have beaten the Yanks to it."

Biggest Thing To Make You Go Hmm, to Rick Noetzel:

> Playing ASL without playing PTO is like sex with a condom,
> safer but not as much fun

I showed this to my wife and her only comment was "They both involve a lot of Marines". I'm not sure how I should take that, but I think I'll watch her a little more closely.

> Calumny! Baseless slander!
> You, sir, are a rapscalion and mountebank!
> I have NEVER played AD&D in my entire life, nor would I
> deign to do so now, not even as a 30th level Paladin.

This would be a lot more convincing if he did not (a) refer to Russian 426s as "Kobolds', (b) cry "For the Glory of Gondor!" when launching Banzai charges, and (c) demand saving rolls versus Panzerfausts. And I'm getting a little tired of the star-festooned wizard's cloak he always wears when we play.

To those of you who are intimidated by VASL, I am a pilot. If I can figure it out you can. Keep in mind I operate in a world where all I have to know is "push down on the steering wheel the trees get bigger, pull back on the steering wheel and the trees get smaller." VASL is even easier and lots of people are usually there to help. Unlike in the cockpit where every once in a while I have to ask myself, "Gee, I wonder what happens if I push this button".

I love that new rule book smell. It's almost as good as napalm.

Best Followup to a Great Setup Line, to a cast of thousands:

> Sorry one other question that I have always meant to ask... How
> many of you/us have had any combat experience?

Ron Dawson: Does this include teaching in Cleveland?

Sam Belcher: The closest I come is four years in a High School Swim team. Put thirty or so naked High School guys in a locker room with damp towels and you can have some NASTY towel fights!

Randy King: Do the groups have to be human? I was charged by a goat once. He hit the fence. I exited off the board for my victory point.

> Take my SO for example. She went and got pregnant with
> twins! Jeez...she could have just _asked_ me to cut back on the ASL!

That's brutal. You should find out where she went and beat the crap out of the guys.

> I hope someone has informed MMP that towards the end of the war
> Rumania and Bulgaria changed sides.

What?? Bugaria moved to the west of Rumania? Rumania no longer landlocked?

> Waiting for the wife to go into labor, that's why I'm not at ASLOK.

Don't forget to tell her about the -1 DRM if she's russian

> I believe this sense of humor is implanted with the shots they
> receive at Officer Basic Course and is unfortunately surgically
> removed upon promotion to Major.

I don't get it.

> Trivia Question: When can these two modifiers be applied together,
> i.e. when can you be Concealed _and_ Dashing at the same time?

There is no point in being both Dashing and Concealed, because no-one will get to see just how great you look.

Most Unclear On The Concept, to Don Greenwood talking about the Boardgame Player's Association bylaws:

If you don't have internet access, we'll be glad to email them to you upon request.

Easiest Problem To Troubleshoot, to William Johnson:

Trying to
play via
VASL PbeM
but cannot
load sent
log files.

The
problem is
line wrap,
but I'm
having
some
trouble
here.

Most Outside Looking In, to Rusty Witek:

Rodney has a camp. The anti-IIFTers have a camp. Each 3rd-party publisher has a camp. Why doesn't anyone ever tell me when we're going to camp? I can whittle, braid nylon into cords, build a fire with one match and a small box of Kleenex, lead snipe hunts, and go on searches for left-handed wind-shifters. I can tell a mean ghost story ("This is the story of the one-armed Armor Leader . . .) and I have a canteen and a whetstone for sharpening pocketknives. Why can't I go to camp like everybody else? Huh?

Best Newbie Attempt at Rules Lawyerism, to Bob Smith:

Suppose you send a juicy decoy out into the street and Mr. Cocky 10-3 leader stacked with 3 squads and an LMG chooses to make you pay with a 12FP -5 DRM shot. The LMG is not fired because the IFT is in use

If I understand correctly, if a Human Wave were to jump into his hex, all units would be required to fire with TPBF, including the LMG. Now, since the 10-3 can only direct the fire of units from its previous fire group, and because all units and SW are required to fire together, the 10-3 is prohibited from applying his modifier because he cannot direct the LMG.

I wanna be devious, but I get the impression I'm just wrong instead.

Best Woofing on the Ottoman Empire Military Band, to Bahadir Erimli,

I believe it's meant to put the fear in the hearts of the infidel. Either that or meant to speed up the charges by making sure the Janissaries would rather face the enemy than stay behind and listen to the band.

Mozart happened to be (if my memory is not failing me) one of the poor sods locked up in Vienna during the Second Siege of Vienna by the Ottoman Army. Hearing the military band playing outside the walls day after day not only influenced his music but messed up his nerves quite a bit, too.

Best AAR, to William Johnson (excerpted):

Played "And Then Things Got Worse" yesterday against my worst nightmare, er, regular opponent, Paul Benson of Anchorage.

German defence was as I expected...centralized in the town, covering most of the approaches. What I didn't know, however, is that the Germans had made significant advances in their development of "impervium', a heretofore elusive material still under research by the allies.

Positioning a squad/mmg/9-2 in the northern most multi-hex building facing the French advance, and outfitted with this innovative new material, the Germans were confident of holding the village against anything the French could bring to bear.

On come the French, guns blazing, rolling over German forward defenses. This had the early feel of a cakewalk for the allies. Pressing on, the infantry encounter "The Thorn', the aforementioned German special forces.

B1 75mm guns fire, hit, no effect. MA's fire, hit, no effect. Infantry rain lead on the position, no effect. B1's surround the position, firing point blank with 75mm's, no effect. The "Thorn' is now encircled, taking critical hits from main guns and point blank fire from infantry. No effect. The French are throwing everything in their arsenal at the "Thorn', including the cresent wrenches from their tool boxes. No effect.

But wait! The leader gets wounded! Then suddenly, he battle hardens! The French are at the end of their rope. What can be done? How is this possible?

Impervium, that's how.

To hell with the heavy water research. These elite units had the ultimate in modern equipment. Probably a good thing it was only a beta version.

But that's a different issue. Here is the point...

My plea for a rules addition: after a building location has taken 20 or so direct hits from AFV main guns, in addition to a million or so bullets from infantry small arms, shouldn't it become rubble? Shouldn't any living thing within become dead? As in without life...not breathing...stiff as a board.

Best Vigilanteism, to Jan Spoor:

As far as being mime-compliant, I attempt not to be. If I see someone trying to find their way out of an invisible box, or walking uphill against a nonexistent wind, I pummel them to within an inch of their life with a pimento loaf. Humanity can do without this scourge.

Most Optimistic Thought, to Marty Snow:

One day in Teletubbieland, something appeared from far away.

"Whassat?" asked Tinky Winky.

"Hunnah fiffy Oh Bee Ay!" gasped La La.

"Run Away! Run Away!" they all shouted just before being blown to bits.

Then the NuNu tidied up.

Biggest SPLAT About To Be Heard When Fatherhood Meets ASL, to Mike Licari:

We'd like to announce the arrival of our first child, Daniel Michael Licari!

To all who have FTF, email, VASL, and IRC games with me, bear with me for a few days until things calm down.

Best Comment on Marriage, to Paul Ferraro:

> Oberlistengruppeschnelner Ferraro: You will execute anyone caught
> violating this command on sight, or I will shoot you through the
> head as an example to yourself.

Due to the fact that I am a married man this is not the dire threat that it appears to be.

Best Quote, to Doug Maston quoting Audie Murphy as he stood on that burning M-10 tank destroyer where he won the Medal of Honor:

"As I am shooting at the Germans, I am aware of three things: The smoke from the fire is masking me from the Germans, the wind is blowing the smoke around and I hope the Germans can't see where I am, and for the first time in three weeks, my feet are warm."

Farthest Length to go for a Game, to Sam Belcher:

From August 2 to August 8 - I will be on Mars for business. Any local gamers care for some FtF?

Highest Price to Pay for Any ASL Product, to Bruce Probst:

> What would you pay for deluxe mounted mapboards?

You can have my left nut. God knows I don't get any use out of it any more.

Best Tolkienistic Jingle, to Kurt Martin:

Basement dwellers are we!
The sun, we simply don't see!
We're down in the ground,
Where we can't be found,
Where we're pushin our AFVs!

Best Tactics Advice, to Rusty Witek:

> Let us consider the old classic, Shklov's Labors Lost (T4).
> What are your favorite strategies for this scenario?

My favorite: Gandalf vs. the Balrog.

The 10-3's line up in stone buildings across from one another with all available squads and MGs and blast away until one or both is dead. The winner (if any) induces ELR failure in the remaining enemy units by holding up the loser's dripping heart on a bayonet while bellowing cries of victory.

Not the most elegant tactical solution, of course, but it has a certain primeval piquancy.

Best Poetry, to Pete Belford:

Jesse James said before he died....
There wer 4 things he wanted to ride....
tricycle, bicycle, automobile...
and a flamehetzer across teletubbieland.

If you can keep your ROF when all about you
are rolling 12s and Malf-ing their MA;
from Chapter E you use all options,
know every line of Chapter H;

If you think Prep Fire's for wimps only,
move DX through openground in Double Time;
always from DM you Self Rally;
and all your DRs average six-point-nine...

If you can fill the unforgiving tourney
with a clean sheet of games you've won;
yours is *The Game* and everything that's in it;
And - which is more - (much more),
you'll beat McGrath, my son.

Best Song, to Steve Linton for "The Ballad of the Seven Naught" (excerpted):

(To the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies')

Let me tell you a story "bought a 7 nought
who early in the war quite a lot of battles fought
And then one day the red mist was in his eyes
and every single Frenchman in his line of sight just dies
berserk warrior - promotion time

So there he was admiring his brand new rank
When the Obergruppenfuhrer yelled "Come and drive this tank"
So he took on some Matildas in a dusty old Mark 3
And he kept on rolling snake-eyes when he fired his AP
Critical hit - burning wreck. ...

Y'all roll low now, y'hear?

Best Story (and pioneering the category of "ASL Erotica") or Extended Bit of Fluff, to Rob Seulowitz for "Letters to AH Forum", excerpted:

Dear ASLML;

I never beleived the stories I read on the ASLML were true, until this happened to me. I'm a healthy Varsity athelete at a small Junior College in Southern California, with six roommates who just happen to be gorgeous models and part-time exotic dancers. Well, there we were, home on a rainy Monday with nothing to do, when Kandee says, "I've got an idea. Why don't we play a game?"

"What kinda game," Brittinee asked, her face flushed with excitement like a naughty schoolgirl about to be punished.

"I picked it up at a flea market," Kandee went on. "It looked kinda, I dunno - sexy!"

"Ooo!" squealed a titilated Brandee. "Tell us!"

"Well, there's, like, I dunno, these really cool soldiers - and they've got big, hard guns."

"Whoa," said Bobbee, "Sounds kinda kinky!"

"Go get it!" they all begged, "Pleeeze! We wanna play!"

Best Life Advice, to Rob Seulowitz:

First of all, alieniating oneself from the ASLML community is not only a laudable goal, it is a preliminary requirement for being accepted in polite society. These people are hideous, distorted freaks who should not be allowed to set foot outside their grubby, empty-beer-bottle-festooned, slime-encrusted basement hovels. Shun them. Shun them all.

The best use of ASL as a marital aide for me thus far has been to get my wife to help sort and store counters after a big game. I can tune out her talking, giving the impression that I'm listening, and THAT is the secret to a successful heterosexual relationship.

Was sorting out the new counters from DB last night. I was very excited to pitch all the purple krauts in the hopper, and then I realized:

1) There are no replacements for the purple kraut leaders.

2) There are no replacements for the purple kraut AFVs [EXC: the Sig thing, which originally had errors, but was fixed and purple-ized in KGP]. So why fix the color of that one and not the rest?

... And then I had a spiritual awakening, and decided, "I'm OK, the purple krauts are OK."

Best Metaphor, to John Appel:

> the B11 of the German MAs is a killer.

Ain't it just? I'm in the middle of ASL 84: Round One right now (11 German vehicles vs. 3 ATs and 2 ARTs on Bd. 45), and my tanks are reduced to moping around on street corners like tired old whores, trying to talk 467s into a little Armored Assault.

This year saw the emergence of a category called Best Extended Harangue, artfully practicioned by Rusty Witek and Rob Seulowitz, wherein the writer disconnects his brain and spews forth an overwhelming tsunami of humor that cannot be cut up into individual categories, rather, must be taken as a whole (or as nearly whole as we have room for).

Rusty Witek:

OK, just as once upon a time Coca-Cola really *was* COCA-cola, and once the ingredient that gave 7-Up its "up" was a liberal dollop of lithium, and men once did their weekly shopping with a shooting-iron (or "hawg-laig") strapped to the thigh, and at one point owning human beings was not only allowed but the mark of high taste and gentility, times and mores *do* change, and the formerly hunky-dory becomes an offense unto the nostrils of the Lord. That time has come, I say, for the "RB Armored Blitz/Trench Defense," the first on-the-board-actually-playing-ASL thread to be so corrupted into the Outer Dark.

For with RB AB/TD the workman is alienated from his labor.
With RB AB/TD the crops are withered in the fields.
With RB AB/TD the fool's tongue is loosened, and the tongue of the wise man cleaves to the roof of the mouth as with peanut butter.
With RB AB/TD the map is spilled upon with iced tea, and the coldness of the beer is turned pisswarm.
With RB AB/TD the womb of the virgin is blasted, and nose of the teenager is pierced, multiply.
With RB AB/TD the bandwidth is twisted, and the bits are turned to cancer.
With RB AB/TD the singing of the birds is turned to the chattering of the monkeys.
With RB AB/TD the patience of the listmembers crumbles like unto the Oatzel, left in the open air with conditions of varying humidity.

Rob Seulowitz (excerpted):

>1. What happened to Avalon Hill?

The editorial board at "Girl's Life" staged a coup, rounded up the games developers and had them carted off to Uzbekistan, where they are now slaving away in the gulags (and, outside of the improvement, hardly notice the change).

>2. What has HASBRO got to do it?

Hasbro, the now well-known front organization for the international criminal conspricy known as SMERSCH, has agents planted throughout the US to bring board gaming to it's knees in order to infiltrate and subvert the American economy (following the principle, as laid out by John Kenneth Galbraith, that the entire American Free Market rests on two pilars: Cheese Burgers and Play Money).

>4. What is MMP up to?

MMP have sold out utterly, and are now cutting a CD with Babyface and Beck, featuring uncredited guest turns by Sting and Mariah Carey. It's a bland melange of recycled pop cliches burdened with unearned urban hip-hop attitude, and it leaves a sour aftertaste once the admittedly catchy tunes wear out their welcome. Brian Youse's guitar riffs continue to sound like bad immitations of Stevie Ray, and Curt Schilling's attempt to cover "My Heart Will Go On" is sad and clumsy. On the bright side, when they sing together - anchored by the mellifluous Carl Fago - the blend is a unique and original sound that one can only describe as The Backstreet Boys plus 20 years and 200 pounds.

Rob Seulowitz Again (excerpted):

The Master taught us that the Law and Prophets (ASLRB and Errata) are sufficient - and what is the First Law? "I am the Game, thou shalt have no other Games before me!" (Dt 6.4) And the second is very like it: "Love thy dice as thyself" (Lv 18.17b). Where does He speak of adding new columns to tables? Does He not respond to the Woman with the Malfunctioned MA that her Faith has repaired her? Does this not mean that it is Faith and not Chance that rules the dice? If we have Faith, then why do we need to add columns? Surely, if our dice are righteous, we shall prevail on the 6FP column even as unto a 7FP column?

Then the Sadducees arose and questioned me thus:

> Dr. Rob ... demonstrates his failure to grasp the Rabbinical
> principle of midrashim (otherwise known as Q&A); interpretations,
> expansions, and speculations, based on doctrinal passges but
> giving further illuminating detail and casting the light of
> understanding into the dim corners of confusion and
> misapprehension. The 13, 14, and 15 FP columns are midrashim,
> based on the doctrinal passages of the 12 and 16 FP columns.

Viper's brood! Would you make the ASLML twice as fit for Hell as you are yourself? What midrashim dares add a 6 1/2 th Commandment? Where is the Rabbi who would make such a claim? No midrash would pretend to be Divine Oracle or Addition to Torah. When did Hillel say, "Since you cannot cook a chicken in milk, you must only cook halves of chickens in milk"? Where is it written that Maimonides declared, "Since the Sabbath Day is Holy, no work must be done; however, if you split it into half hour segments, you can mow the lawn between 1:30 and 2"??

Clearest Indication It's Time To Call the Men in White, to Robert Maglica:

I have started clipping my counters and as someone on the list suggested I will do a Mosaic using the clipping. I am planning to do a replica of "The last supper", which a will give to my ex-wife as christmas gift. The question is: Is it inappropriate to use the clipping from the purple KGP2 SS squads to colour the robe of Christ or should I save them for Judas?

It taunts me! It TAUNTS me!!

Beutiful lovely VASL opponents so tantalizingly close, allowed to convey for luscious moments of time, only to be cut off, severed, eradicated!! Then the cruelest twist of all, to be able to hear the disembodied voices and not grasp anything tangible enough to synch up to! Oh cruel VASL you play upon my weakened needy soul!

THE AUSTRALIA-WIDE DISTRIBUTOR ONLY GOT THIRTY-SIX!!!!!! TOTAL!!!! FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!

For f*@% sakes! There are 18 million people in this country, and thirty-six (can you believe it? Thirty-Six!!!) copied of DB between us all. Shit, I bet more copies got sent to Idaho, and there are less people there. In fact they have less of most things there, except nothing, which Idaho has in quantity.

I'm so god-damn black-hearted ear-smokin" Tate-baitin' Tabby-neutering Curt-grand-slammin" Alain-anglicising Phlegm-francophiling postal-workers-run-in-fear-from-me AK-47-totin" PISSED on behalf of all my fellow ANZAC ASLers who will miss out.

I want Finns, dammit.

I want "em in their own color. I nice Evergreen shade, maybe. Yeah. ...

I want reindeer. Not some sled-pulling Clydesdale wannabes on a boring-ass white counter, either. I want Finnish Attack Reindeer. Yeah, I know there was no such thing, but if the Finns had wanted to train some, by God, they could have. And they'd have been maneaters, my friend.

I want these magnificent Biathlon-shootin" with-human-targets bastards. And I don't want "em in Nazi drag no more. ...

In the words of Tuomo Lukkari, "Sissukoni, perkele!"

I have no idea what that means, but I bet it's f***kin cool.

>> Snip RE: osmium ASL components
>> This has lots of advantages: Even when your house burns down,
>> your ASL set will survive. Being eaten, getting wet, temperature
>> changes, radiation, all kind of physical or natural hazards are
>> laughable. Your friends will turn green on envy, and your foes
>> advantage is that you can play in your garden during a storm.

> But osmium melts at merely 3 000C, so your set will not survive
> if the sun goes nova. You'll have to do better.

I confess that the low melting point is a problem. I intentiously omitted the sun going nova, because I did not want to provoke an unnecessary panic under the fellow ASLers.

BTW, we humans missed the chance for spreading ASL over the galaxy: when they shoot out voyager with that silly plate showing a man and a wife and our planetary system and some basic math formulas. The aliens will be very disappointed getting that boring crap. Better would have been to include a complete ASL set plus an iconized rulebook and Perry's address for Q&A.

Fifth Runner-Up, to Charlie Hamilton:

C'mon guys - start thinking. Hasbro won't bother with printing a new rulebook UNLESS IT FITS ON THE INSIDE OF THE BOX LID!

Time to stop thinking "chrome", and start thinking "concise".

> At the start of a scenario, an old man asks three questions:
> 	What is your name?
> 	What is your quest?
> 	Which is better, the IFT or the IIFT?

The third question should be, "What is the colour of SS counters?", to which the reply is, "Blue, no, it's purple, no, it's black...Aaaaaaaaah!"

All in All war is a giant crap sandwich and these guys all took a big bite.

I'd like to make a Human Wave....., but I don't have any more humans

Scene: Two guys, Babylonia, 640BC

First Man: "I cannot imagine life without ash-uruk"

2nd Man: "People will always play ash-uruk"

First Man: "But now that the Medes have taken over what will happen
to ash-uruk?"

2nd Man: "Lets write them a tablet and tell them that we support
ash-uruk and then they would surely allow us to play."

First Man: "Excellent idea, I bet they will be playing ash-uruk 2640
years from now."

2nd Man: "Yeah, and there will be world peace."

First Man: "Indeed. Lets play. Go Medes!"

Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada....

Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 1998b! Congratulations to the winners and especially Ray! Along with my co-host Jeri Ryan, goodbye from the Civic Auditorium in Idaho Falls, drive safe everybody and roll low!