Good evening everyone and welcome to the Spuddy Awards! And a special welcome to my lovely and talented co-host Ali Landry! Ali, why don't you tell the folks at home what the Spuddies are all about?

"Sure Bob! These Spuddy Awards are given for humorous comments made on the ASL Mailing List during all of 1999. A very few awards are given for private emails because the judges reward greatness wherever they find it, except in their own messages or those of their spouses, relatives, or co-dependents!"

Thank you, Ali! And without further ado, we give you the Spuddy Awards 1999!

Rob "recon by burning wreck" Steele

Sheldon "pretty fly for a white guy" Easterbrook

Rob "mumble mumble ***king boxcars mumble mumble" Purdon

Rupert Cullum "Whose credentials are that I am out of diapers and have an AP#1"

Steve "I am running with scissors" Solomon

Mike "I wish I had a more beautiful purpose" Bowling
Mike "I choose the IFT because saying two I's in a row is really hard" Bowling

Brian "all my defensive strategies revolve around burdening the enemy with too many prisoner counters" Williams
Brian "oh, did I say yes? I meant no" Williams

Frank "is that a weasel counter in your pants or are you just glad to see me?" Payne

Chas "Been down so long it seems like up to me" Argent

Caise Vickery: "I'd probably be much more upset about this if I weren't so heavily medicated."

Dave "I just want to help. And to bang Rita McNeal" Schipani
Dave "I'm talkin' a lotta sh!t for a guy with a vowel at the end of his name" Schipani

Jim "The fear of roller hockey goalies everywhere. Not that I can shoot well or anything, just the fact I can't stop when rushing the net" Kiraly

Pete "all of a sudden being addicted to heroin does not seem that expensive" Belford
Pete "a list buttmunch" Belford

John "my paradigm has shifted and I haven't been regular since" LaPlante

Pete "Scenario designers are from Mars, historical purists are from Uranus" Shelling

Paul "oh wait here comes my boss" Kenny

Charlie "weaseling sniveloid" Hamilton

Sam "As God is my witness, I will claw may way up to mediocre!" Belcher

Jack "Could we possibly argue about something stupider?" Barnette

> But what counters would you used for the Israelis fighting        
   > the British?

Sam: The Israeli counters _REQUIRE_ that they be clipped before usage. Its a religious thing.

Phil: Actually you should clip the counters 8 days after they are punched out. And then you celebrate.

Telly Savalas' character was definitely *not* Good Order

The accommodations are both excellent and slightly awful. There's lots of rooms of various sizes for gaming, a restaurant, a pub, a cafe with sammiches and (crappy, greasy, frightening) pizza and cold drinks open until midnight, and reasonable nightly rates. On the down side, the water pressure in the showers is like being peed on, the rooms smell like your bachelor uncle's old shirts, and as for the seafood, well all I'll say is that the fried clams compare favorably to HoJo's but express an almost immediate desire for release once consumed.

Do you really want one of us spoiled, rich, fat, dullwitted Americans to have ALL of your ASL stuff, leaving you with NOTHING? Do you really want to feel the stabbing in your heart when you look at your lamest sled dog and can think only of "Burzevo"?

Do you really want to give up the ASLML, with its wealth of gun-toting Yanks for you to feel morally superior to, as is your duty, nay, your BIRTHRIGHT, as a true C'na'jin?

Do you really want to be snowed in in your wood cabin on some hoary Arctic night with your Eskimo wife, pathetically longing for a game of Bread Factory #2, while some computer geek in Colorado is rolling YOUR dice on YOUR mapsheet? Do you, Grant? Do you? Eh?

Think about it. Just a couple modules, a few boards, and a few bucks worth of photocopies. Just enough to keep your hand in.

Laura Secord would want it that way.

Ground rules: I'm a Finn. That means I'll be coming in, assessing the situation, and crushing each opponent in 105 minutes or less. My dice shall predate WW1, yet I'll use them in clever and ingenenious ways (totally against Geneva convention) to morally disrupt my opponents. I'll bring two molotov coctails, one to burn the enemy, and for me to drink. I'll eschew the use of artillery in any scenario - it's for wusses and Americans! It doesn't matter that I'll start a scenario with no armor - I'll capture all of yours. I'll deploy myself (without a leader present) and end the tournament with twice as many wins as the second place person. I'll deport the weak and sick, and send them to play in the NHL.

I laugh at your troops struggling in the Drifts of Extreme Winter - I say wait until it gets cold! I'll create an Ice Hole in the frozen lake, and TI my squads so that they can take a refreshing swim!

   >  You can also add brave little Slovakia to this list. 
   >  Slovakia invaded Poland on September 1st 1939.

Did Poland notice?

TOP TEN LEAST EFFECTIVE ARGUMENTS TO CONVINCE YOUR WIFE, WHO IS NINE
MONTHS PREGNANT AND HAS BEEN HOSPITALIZED THREE TIMES ALREADY FOR
PREMATURE CONTRACTIONS, TO LET YOU GO TO THE ASL OPEN:

10.  "Aw c'mon honey, it's only in Burr Ridge, that's only
      about 45 minutes away -- if there's no traffic."

9.  "I'll be in pager range."

8.  "And I'll have my cell phone with me."

7.  "Labor lasts, what, twelve to fourteen hours -- plenty
     of time for me to finish any given round and get to the
     hospital in time for the pushing."

6.  "There's at least one other guy that's going to be
     there whose wife is on Bed Rest."

5.  "I really wasn't paying attention in Lamaze class, so I
     won't be much help anyway."

4.  "Well, if I can't go to all seven rounds, it's a waste
     of my time."

3.  "I already promised (insert name of gaming buddy) that
     I would (CHOOSE ONE OR MORE:  Drive; lend Planos; provide
     couch space; buy beer; use deodorant; not snore).

2.  "Nothing's going to happen."

AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST EFFECTIVE ARGUMENT IS.....

1.  "Shut up and gestate."

10) Pizza Hut extra large meat lovers special.
 9) Fake barf at the local novelty store.
 8) Insides of either one of my twin boys diapers.
 7) Any ASL board turned upside down (still geomorphic too).
 6) KGP map faded from 6 years of sunlight.
 5) Any tablecloth after a potluck banquet.
 4) My old Afrika Corp mapboard with Coke stains.
 3) Texaco map of Kuwait.
 2) Pamela Lee Anderson's breasts (where I'd love to move my        
     Matilda).
 1) Top of Pete Shelling's head (even has sun-blindness).

Sorry, that last post went out without a subject line. The subject should have read "TPP's vs. TPM's: Discuss". I will be offering free replacement posts to anyone who sends their original post to me.

   >  who do you think is favored in Orlik & the Uhlans? 
   >  That's what * I *  wanna know.

I've heard the Germans are favored but I think the Poles have a pretty good chance, well, not a good chance, it's more like a great chance, well it might not be that great of a chance, or it might not even be any chance at all..... uh, what was the question?

I got plenty of damn counters thank you. What I need more of is sleazy wanton women.

You know, I've never heard of anyone who, on their death bed says, "My only regret is that I played too much ASL".

What are you worrying about !

OBA is so easy !

First time - it misses, second time - it misses, third time two red chits so its lost !

Why do you need a flow chart for this ?

> How do you figure out wall advantage? Who gets it?

In General, your opponent gets Wall Advantage.

A bit of related trivia... the innovative Russian corporal who came up with the idea first tested it out using a small herd of pigs, each of which was attached to the other using a rope and collar system. They were herded towards the mines, and then coaxed to charge ahead by the sudden shouts of their handler...

You guessed it. The first instance of bacon cooked in a micro-wave.

If you roll 12 on a SW shot, you break the weapon. So, if you roll 12 on a Wind Change DR, do you break wind?

   > Don't dwell on it (I know some can't help but pounce on it!
   > Pavlov! Pavlov! Pavlov!)

Hmmm... that name rings a bell.

Some people say , "The Washington Monument is a sexual symbol." This is a phallusy.

I caught my dog in the act of devouring counters I had left on board after a solo game. I yelled at her, whereupon she threw up a hasty defense and retreated.

I only wished they printed the IIFT on a softer and more absorbent paper, then it would be much gentler on my bottom when I wipe it.

The VASL server is no longer down. Mumble mumble technical mumble difficulties mumble.

I have one thought for you, TJ: personal leader counter.

  http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com 

This is a hoot! Check it out. Samples:

English in: "A stack marked with a first fire counter may not attempt street fighting."

French out: "Une pile identifie par un premier feu contre-peut ne pas essayer des combats de rues."

Put the same French sentence in to translate back into English, and I get: "A pile identified by the first fire against can not test street battles."

Holy cow! This is great. I'll be doing this to the entire ASLRB, one sentence at a time, and I'll publish the results. It'll probably be a lot easier to follow than the book is now.

You can never stop the Wolkster's mouth, you can only hope to contain it.

> Japanese Proverb: "Little is more".

Hmm, logically it then follows that "None is all." Wow, suddenly my sex-life has been put into a whole new perspective.

I think if you were to divide the amount of money MMP receives by the amount of crap they put up with, you'd get the mathematical definition of "SQUAT".

My apologies to anyone who has tried to access the WebDex over the past few days. It is more complex to update the site from Uzbekistan than I had expected.

  > Sorry to waste the bandwidth of those unlucky few not going, 
  > but can anyone tell me how to get to Winter Offensive? 

From ABOVE DC (we do have some airborne attending, after all):
Get Drunk
Light turns Green
Jump

  > Please, let's take all such discussions off-list to
  > alt.superstitions or something similar.

Actually, this is more in the realm of a reality argument.

> If you ain't Cav, you ain't SHIT!

So if you are Cav, you are SHIT?

  > Anybody on the list in the Toronto area know where I can get ASL
  > stuff?  A buddy of mine will be passing through on Wednesday and
  > he wants to pick up Yanks.

Surely he just has to stand around on some street corners in suspenders and a mini-skirt?

> Any thoughts or tips for playing Slow and Steady?

Think about baseball.

  > The Finns are OhhKaaay...just remember, they never had to 
  > face the French.

Nobody _faces_ the French. All you see is their backs.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOK
ASLOK, Baby

Headin' down the the Clevland highway......
I got me a car it sits about 20
so come on bring your Blood Reef Tarawa Money

ASLOK is a little place were we can roll dice together......

ASLOK, BABY, ASLOK
ASLOK, BABY, ASLOK
ASLOK, BABY, ASLOK
ASLOK, BBBBBAAAABBBBBYYYYYYYY

Is this a tourney? Is this just open play?
Do I get HIPsters? Will I get some OBA?
Look at these guys
Rolling all them "eyes" and see ...
I'm just a newbie
I need some sympathy
'Cause I'm ... oh-and-five, oh-and-six
Need to learn ... some new tricks
Playing just for fun now
Winning doesn't matter to me
To me ....

It was a beautiful spring morning and Ash Ketchum was strolling down a country road, continuing his Pokeman Journey. On his shoulder sat his buddy, Pikachu, who was softly humming a sweet Japanese melody to himself. Ash kept wondering if there were any Pokeman in this neck of the woods. There were none to be found. Suddenly, a loud rumbling sound was heard that startled our heroes.

It had been a real bitch of a morning for Obersturmbannfurhrer Michael Wittman...

Harry Caray on First Fire: "Hey, let me tell ya, if your guys are out there, firing at these other guys, you can have some First Fire. Holy Cow, the bullets will be flying tonight ... Marge Shipler is 100 years old today... you can fire as many times as your opponent uses movement factors ...hey, this Bud's for you... you know, Steve, Schilling pronouced backwards is "gnillihcs" ... sounds like a Polish sausage ..."

John Madden on OBA: "When you place the FFE:1 .... BOOM!!! Watch this unit over here .... OOF!!! And this unit has to take a 4MC... WHAM!!! And you gotta watch out for that FFE:2 ... OUCH!!!"

Andres Cantor (Telemundo Futbol) on Rate Of Fire: "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!!!! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!! ROF! ROF! ROF! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!!"

Oh, wow! Armored trains! Armored trains are so cool! They're like, long and sleek, and, and ... armored! It would be so cool to have lots and lots of scenarios where great big thick armored trains go in and out of dark tunnels! That would be great! In and out, in and out, in and out ...

You haven't played ASL until you've played it with a potato jammed up your arse.

...Instead of "Plain and simple - sex is as close to ASL as you're gonna get", I would say that for most ASLers, "ASL is as close to sex as you're gonna get."

Got the chance the other day to get in a game with Ted Wilcox, ASL player and all around jolly elf.

> I need a list of boards and modules please....

Here be a list of the boards:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24, 25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45, 46,47

Hope this helps

  > I will be driving to ASLOK again this year from Atlanta...
  > I'm flexible and I will adjust my route to accomodate
  > one or two riders.

Hey! This could save me money! Swing by and pick me up, will ya? I live in Kirkland, Washington.

   > Three quiet, well-behaved Australian tourists will be in
   > Cleveland OH next week and be looking to play some ASL.

Your timing is really off! If you come a week later, October 4, there is a big tournament in Cleveland.

Saturday Night was a blast playing the Tank Hero Game with Brian Beakes, Peter Belford and Jim Kiraly, 4 king tigers I was kind of drunk when we started and I remember getting a point blank CH on someone, so I used the ROF to get another hit on the turret as it came falling back to earth.

Kids today! Why can't they fetishize Fascist military hardware like normal people?

Enjoy the power and beauty of your Armor... never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your armor until you've lost it. But trust me, at the end of the game, you will look at the wreck counters and recall in a way you can't grasp now, what dreams you had for those tanks and how fabulously useful they would have been.

  > Too bad he doesn't have time for a game - 
  > I could boost his win record!

You know, Sam, I think someone needs to explain this whole "bragging" concept to you.

Intensive Fire markers go with the Malfunction markers.

This reminds me of the joke current in Berlin around 1934 when the Nazis were in the Secret Rearmament Phase (SRPh) of the game that became WWII...

A man worked in a factory that made baby prams. One night his wife told him they really needed a pram for their own youngster, and as they couldn't afford to buy one, could he perhaps steal the necessary parts from work and bring them home?

He did so, and the next night spent several frustrating hours trying to assemble the thing. Finally his wife asked what was the problem?

"Damned if I know. Every time I put the pieces together, it comes out as a machine gun."

Your interpretation directly contradicts a rule, mine just gives you a headache.

Ah, heck. Rout any dang way you want.

Fourth Runner-Up, to Thomas Rae:

   > I always wanted to pierce the secret of the Firepower of the
   > different nationality of ASL's squad or corresponding SW...
   > (snip 280(!) some lines of tables and calculations) 

Isn't it a lot easier to just look at the counter?

   > If, somehow, you DO manage to find your way to the Radisson
   > Hotel  in time for ASLOK, I will be waiting!! 

HA!! Shows you how much you know... I got a map. Ohio is the big PURPLE state.

  > The main effect of this to me is that scenario designers are 
  > quite possibly assigning these weapons incorrectly as it is not
  > a ratio but rather a role which determines the weapon used.

I think in ASL terms the German HMG represents the not the MG42 with the special-TV-offer deluxe accessory pack but the karmic vibes sent out by rootin' tootin' big-balled Nazi Hun bastards whose only joy in life is robbing members of non-Aryan races of their civil right not to be riddled with precision-made Krupp machine-gun bullets. The MMG is the distilled life-force of a crew whose members have had a lifetime of racialist ideological indoctrination yet nevertheless still sometimes pine to be back in their warm, safe living rooms with their feet up by the hearth reading _Max und Moritz_ comic strips and bugging their wives about when the sauerkraut will be ready.

The German LMG represents the innate human impulse to poke a sleeping dog with a stick, piss one's name into an otherwise usullied snowbank, throw rocks through rows of factory windows if you think you can get away with it, and steal quarters from the collection plate in church.

   > Now tell me this: if the Russian sets up a King Tiger and 
   > infantry ON a bridge .... what do you do???

Dammit, I'd complain about him setting up MY tank. Outside his setup area as well.

Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 1999! Congratulations to the winners and especially Sam! Along with my co-host Ali Landry, goodbye from the Civic Auditorium in Idaho Falls, drive safe everybody and roll low!