| 1.
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let
others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are
preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done, now flush the urinal, go outside and
tee off.. Sign posted at a golf
club in Scottsdale, Az.
DOES GOLF MAKE SENSE?
1.. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of 18 year old single malt.
2. You hit down
to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score
wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
3. "I wish
I could play my normal game.just once."
4. "Golf
is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
5. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the
rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
6. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
7. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase, "maul it again."
8. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can
putt very well.
9. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to
get worse.
10. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the
traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and for no reason at all you really stink.
11. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
12. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this
game.
13. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level
you've reached after you've reached it.
14. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
15. Golf is like
marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work. And both are expensive.
16. The best wood in most golf bags is the pencil.
17. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
18. In golf, some
people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore"
and write "five".
19. Swing easy. Hit hard.
20. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost,
your focus is totally wrong and your personality
might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your
business.
21. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
22. "The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponents club as he hurls it
across the fairway."
23. Golf! You
hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.
The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner
buys the drinks.
24. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you
have to play your foul balls."
25. If you find you do not mind playing golf in
the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your
life is in trouble.
26. Golfers who try to make everything perfect
before taking the shot, rarely make a perfect shot.
27. The term "mulligan" is really a
contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
28. A "gimme" can best be defined as an
agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
29. An
interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is
always possible to get worse.
30. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll
go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every
green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
31. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that,
I won't play.
32. If your best shots are the practice swing and the
"gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
33. Golf is the only sport where the most feared
opponent is you.
34. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too
seriously it won't work .. and both are expensive.
35. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the
pencil.
36. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the
ability to add correctly.
37. In golf, some people tend to get confused with
all the numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
38. Swing easy. Hit hard.
39. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more
balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally
wrong and your personality might not be right for golf ... it is also just
a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
40. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball
over water than sand?
41. "The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh,
Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"
THE NATURAL
LAWS OF GOLF:
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a
much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually
the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if
you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of
not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can
immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and
top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas
about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of
the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all
of your many other errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large
tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90%
of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to
lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of
his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15,
downswing 300mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the
top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and
which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade"
on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball
is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
PHYSICS OF
GOLF
1. The Law
of Physics States........it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf
than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
2. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
3. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from
giving up the game.
4. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end
up having to pray a lot.
5. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you
are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
6. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty
about skipping out on lawn work.
7. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your
life.
8. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the
dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
9. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the
income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
10. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will
replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
11. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a
seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
12. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt
will do just fine.
13. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a
brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart,
drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
MORE GOLF QUOTES
May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters.
Author
Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers
become is proven by their frequent inability
to _count past five_.
John Updike
It is almost
impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing
golf.
Robert Lynd
If profanity had
an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be
played far better than it is.
Horace G.
Hutchinson
They
say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated
than that.
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf
club, they'd starve to death.
Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
William
Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead
of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back
to pick it up.
Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible
when he makes a hole in one.
Author
Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come
up sliced.
Author
Unknown
My handicap?
Woods and irons.
Chris
Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a
flagstick on top.
Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time
getting out of them!
Author
Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are
still rolling.
Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie.
George
Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out
of a bagpipe.
Author
Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I
hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Author
Unknown
| GOLF
STORIES
A man comes home from work and
is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie
me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you
want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
A golfer asked his friend,
"Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's
Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing
golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
A gushy reporter told Jack
Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous
with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes
are numbered."
A young man and a priest are
playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are
you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man
says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The
priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I
don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we
keep our head down."
An American went to Scotland and
played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad
tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely
good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a
Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it hitting
3."
Police are called to an apartment
and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless
man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that
golf club? "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob,
drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know,
five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five."
|
WOMEN'S GOLF TERMS
CADDY: 2
women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself
CHIPPING: time to get our nails done again
DOUBLE BOGIE: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen"
FAIRWAY: splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch
GOOD LIE: weight on our driver's license
GREENS: lunch we eat when we really want a cheeseburger
IRON: what guys need to learn to do their own shirts
ROUGH: getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything
SHAFT: you watch the kids while he gets to go golfing
SLICE: "No, thanks ..... just a sliver"
TEES: putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee
WATER HAZARD: giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip
WEDGE: bathing suit that's too tight.
NEW GOLF BOOK
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Chapter 1
How To Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 How To
Hit a Nike From The Rough When You Hit a Titleist From The Tee
Chapter 3 How To
Avoid The Water When You Lie 8 In a Bunker
Chapter 4 How To
Get More Distance Off The Shank
Chapter 5 When
To Give The Ranger The Finger
Chapter 6 Using
Your Shadow On The Greens To Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 When
To Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 Proper
Excuses For Drinking Beer Before 9am
Chapter 9 How To
Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter10 How To Find
That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go In The Water
Chapter11 Why Your
Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied The 5th
Chapter12 How To Let a
Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter13 How To Relax
When You Are Hitting Three Off The Tee
Chapter14 When To
Suggest Major Swing Corrections To Your Opponent
Chapter15 God And The
Meaning Of The Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter16 When To
Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter17 Can You
Purchase a Better Golf Game
Chapter18 Why
Male Golfers Will Pay $5 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip,
But Will Balk At $3 And Stiff The Bartender on The
19th Hole
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