TOM'S TOP TWENTY-ONE FAVORITE
E-MAIL FORWARDS
Included here are twenty-one of my favorite email forwards ever sent
to me (in no particular order). I hope you enjoy them as much as I did, although a couple
of them target a certain audience (engineers, Michiganders, etc.)
- Proof that Barney is Satan.
- You might be an engineer if...
- Comprehending Engineers.
- GirlFriend 1.0.
- Tech Support conversation.
- Badtimes.
- Dr. Seuss on PC Repair.
- Caught in the act.
- Course evaluation comments.
- Deep Thoughts...
- You might be a Michigander if...
- The Irishman.
- The world according to Homer Simpson.
- 50 things to do on an exam.
- The Headache.
- The Silver Gravy Ladle.
- Chemistry and the importance of preparing witnesses.
- Murphy's Laws
- The Rude Bird <new>
- Blond in a Blizzard <new>
- There is this frog <new>
Proof that Barney is Satan.
Here is absolute proof that Barney, the cute purple dinosaur is really
Satan.
It's simple math. Our children are being drawn in and we're doing nothing
about it.
Read the following. As you are aware, Dinosaurs are old. The numerical
system used during the days of the dinosaurs were, of course Roman
numerals. You've seen evidence of that in B.C. Also, you should be aware
that the Romans did not use the letter "U" They used the letter
"V"
instead.
CVTE
PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Remove all letters that aren't roman numerals.
CV
V L DI V
C=100
V=5 L=50 D=500 I=1
100
+ 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666
How could you have been so blind... Stop the Purple Menace... before he
stops you.
Back to the top.
You might be an engineer
if...
You might be an Engineer if ...
A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your
work area for better reception
All your sentences begin with "what if"
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral
dilemma
Dilbert is your hero
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel
People groan at the party when you pick out the music
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes
answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his
head
You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but
you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts
You are always late to meetings
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
but are afraid to say so out loud
You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener
and your camera's flash attachment
You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor
You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork
screws than the '84 Chardonnay
You can name at least six Star Trek episodes
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket
You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
You carry a list for everything except the groceries
You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
actually takes five minutes to run
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel
You disdain people who use low baud rates
You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking
into a spinning fan
You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker
You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project
You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 8 months
You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage
handling equipment
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects
You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard
You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN
stands for
You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
You have introduced your kids by the wrong name
You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows
already
You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
You introduce your wife/husband as "myspouse@home.wife/husband"
You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit
you got for your ninth birthday
You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size
screwdriver to use
You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment
on commercial flights
You know the direction the water swirls when you flush
You know what http:// stands for
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You need a checklist to turn on the TV
You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home
banking software
You own "Official Star Trek" anything
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor
You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve
address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo"
You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spend more time on your home computer than in your car
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of
your big screen TV while everybody is watching the super bowl
You talk about trellis code modulation at parties
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
send your father a birthday card
You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
You think your computer looks better without the cover
You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the
time
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the
moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4.
Chocolate
Your checkbook always balances
Your dress clothes come from Sears
Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a
magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking
that was normal
Your favorite actor is R2D2
Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor"
Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets
Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium
Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop
Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her
Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog
Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right
place
Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies
Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges
Your IQ is higher than your weight
Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner
Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory
Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre
Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX50, and more
buttons than a telephone
Back to the top.
Comprehending Engineers.
*********************************
Take One
*********************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper
replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
***********************************
Take Two
***********************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion-dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many
of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent
a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day,
he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component
of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your
problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the
engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark
$1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
*********************************
Take Three
*********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*********************************
Take Four
*********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*********************************
Take Five
*********************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was
a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer, because the nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
*********************************
Take Six
*********************************
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The
priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing
happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so
he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he
is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your
problem......"
**********************************
Take Seven
**********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."
*********************************
Take Eight
*********************************
An engineering student was walking across campus when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what
you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
Back to the top.
GirlFriend
1.0.
Dear Technical Support:
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I been unable to
run GirlFriend in this configuration. If I run them separately, however,
it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program,
often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might
see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and
other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend
2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0,
and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right;
as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A
year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog".
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it
came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource
allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0
must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has
an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you
try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't
install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Any Ideas???
Back to the top.
Tech Support conversation.
Here's the dialog of what is purported to be an actual telephone
conversation between a WordPerfect user and a former WordPerfect
Customer Support employee:
"May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Back to the top.
Badtimes.
Preface: Those of you who have been in the email circuit for a while have probably
heard of the "Goodtimes" virus hoax that was supposed to do strange and horrible
things to your computer if you read the email. Note to the not-so-computer-literate: THAT
CAN'T HAPPEN. The following is a parody of that and all of the other virus hoaxes out
there.
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of
"Badtimes,"
delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous
E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that,
but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the
strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code,
screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics
to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-Aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer
and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company
coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work
and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while
stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give
you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas
tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current
girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to
your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is
dead, such is the power of Badtimes. It reaches out beyond the grave
to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you
Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It moves your car
randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your bosses voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It
is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid.
Be very, very afraid.
Back to the top.
Dr. Seuss on PC Repair.
Dr. Suess on PC repair:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situations' hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable at the gable on your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang,
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you hafta flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Back to the top.
Caught in the act.
Today was a busy day in heaven and the lines were backed up as far as
the eye could see. Peter was swamped so God decided to help out. The
problem was there were so many people, only one in three was going to
be allowed to come in today. So God went to the next three guys in
line, and asked the first to tell him his story.
#1: I had figured my wife had been cheating on me for some time,
but I never could catch her at it. So the other day, I left work 4 hours
early and, riding the elevator up to the 25th floor where we lived, I
knew I had her. When I came in the door, I found her naked in bed and
I knew what she had been doing. I became enraged and frantically
searched the rooms. But I could find no one. I went out on the
balcony, and there, clinging to the rail, were two hands. I started
jumping up and down on those hands until they let go. The man fell 25
floors but a tree broke his fall, and I could see he was still moving.
I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the refrigerator and dropped it on
him. At this point, I felt such remorse for what I had done, I jumped
off the balcony. And that is how I came to be here.
God: Fascinating story.
God turned to the next guy and said, "And what about you?".
#2: I live on the 27th floor. I was doing my exercises and felt like
doing some chin-ups. There was no place to do them so I decided to
hang onto the balcony railing. Well, I slipped and fell. Luckily, I
caught onto a lower balcony. Just as I was starting to pull myself up,
some madman started jumping on my hands. I couldn't hold on and fell
25 floors. And thank you Lord, a tree broke my fall and saved me. Just
as I was recovering my senses and was starting to get up, a
refrigerator fell on me. And that is how I came to be here.
God: Amazing.
God turned to the third guy and asked him for his story.
#3: Imagine this, you're scared, naked, and hiding in a refrigerator...
Back to the top.
Course evaluation comments.
This piece was taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
===================================================================
The Best and Worst Comments Received:
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"
"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."
"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way
I felt all term."
"This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries
to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where
I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
got a cool nest in the tree."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking
and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all
directions--no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"
"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.'
"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered
on the final exam."
Back to the top.
Deep Thoughts...
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have
a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate
over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human
condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the
closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell
Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I
show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike
one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting
farts. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age
14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't
it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. --Age 15
Back to the top.
You might be a Michigander
if...
YOU MIGHT BE A MICHIGANDER IF . . .
*you define summer as three months of bad sledding
*your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake
*your family breaks into violence during a U of M / MSU game
*snow tires come standard on your cars
*at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry
*you have ever gotten frostbite and sunburn in the same week
*you can identify an Ohio accent
*half the people you know say they are from Detroit, yet you don't
personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit.
*owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town
*you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels came off your bike
*you think Alkaline batteries were names after a Tiger outfielder
*the word "thumb" brings to mind a geographical rather than anatomical
definition
*"down south" means Toledo
*octopus and hockey go together as logically as hot dogs and baseball
*traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
*the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler, and GM or Dominos, Little
Caesar's, and Hungry Howie's.
*the Big Mac is something you drive across
*you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island
*you had to get a passport to travel to Ohio
*you have as many Canadian coins in your pocket as American coins
*your kid's baseball game has ever been snowed out
*the trees in your backyard have spigots
*you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"
*you know what a pastie is
*you drive 70 in bumper to bumper traffic and always pass on the right
*your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus
*you have a favorite hockey team
*you know how to play Euchre
*you occasionally cheer "Go Lions . . . and take the Tigers with you!"
*you expect to get Vernors when you order ginger ale
*you know that Kalamazoo not only actually exists, but isn't too far
from Hell
*your favorite holidays are Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the opening day
of deer season
*your year has two seasons -- winter and construction
*you know what a "millage" is
*you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where
you grew up
Back to the top.
The Irishman.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;
same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided
to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he
stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door
and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time
to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he
quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Back to the top.
The world according to Homer
Simpson.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HOMER SIMPSON [edited]
The answer's to life's problems aren't found at the bottom of a
bottle, they're found on TV.
------
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they
shoot bees at you?
------
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you
win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
------
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
never try.
------
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
------
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again?
What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh...ooh...yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful...
magical animal.
------
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
------
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how
to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
------
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let's go back to that...building...thingie... where our
beds and TV...is.
------
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman
I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
------
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step
step step...slam)
------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but
let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you
with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
------
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
picture?
------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell
good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs
beer)
------
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
------
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're
prejudiced against all races.
------
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
------
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie --
Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that
movie -- Police Academy.
------
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
------
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
------
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
------
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an
offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat
them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be
done (munch munch munch).
------
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then
I became deeply cynical.
------
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back
here anyway.
Back to the top.
50 things to do on an exam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
50 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM, WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO
FAIL IT ANYWAY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell
out, "I'm SOOo sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking
about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring some nappy stuffed animal, and talk to it as if it were
sentient. Ask it if it felt pain from the cigarette burn on its
nose. When the proctor calls you out, stand on your desk and
gyrate like Dave Matthews. Tell everyone in a loud voice that you
are posessed.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out
"Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy
of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process
every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor
to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a
percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk
out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting
things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that
goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the
phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,
say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to
your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple
them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes
for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like
they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at
a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"
Back to the top.
The Headache.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street,
he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16
and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
Back to the top.
The Silver Gravy Ladle.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the live-in housekeeper
was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was
more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Back to the top.
Chemistry and the importance
of preparing witnesses.
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a
zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-
affectionately known as "Bonkistry."
Anyway, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and
labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they
decided to go up to U Va and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back
to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor
Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the
final. They told him that they went up to U Va for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire
on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a
long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this
over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they
studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had
told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a
test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about molarity and solutions worth
5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did
that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
Back to the top.
Murphy's Laws
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW: Murphy was an optimist.
THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY: Smile... tomorrow will be worse.
BOLING'S POSTULATE: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll
get over it.
WHITE'S STATEMENT: Don't lose heart.
OWEN'S COMMENTARY ON WHITE'S STATEMENT: ...they might want to cut
it out.
BYRD'S ADDITION TO OWEN'S COMMENTARY ON WHITE'S STATEMENT: ...and
they want to avoid a lengthy search.
SCOTT'S FIRST LAW: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably
look right.
SCOTT'S SECOND LAW: When an error has been detected and
corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first
place.
FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong.
FINAGLE'S RULE #1: To study a subject best, understand it
thouroughly before you start.
FINAGLE'S RULE #6: Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
GINSBERG'S THEOREM: 1. You can't win.
2.
You can't break even.
3.
You can't even quit the game.
MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS: Things get worse under pressure.
STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM: If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks
tough, it's damn well impossible.
JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW: If you miss one issue of any magazine, it
will be the issue which contained the article, story, or
installment you were most anxious to read.
Corollary: All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or
threw it away.
THE AIRPLANE LAW: When the plane you are on is late, the plane
you want to transfer to is on time.
FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill
and against the wind.
RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION: When your cat has fallen asleep on
your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will
suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
ETORRE'S OBSERVATION: The other line moves faster.
OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't; constants aren't.
LAW OF THE LOST INCH: In designing any type of construction, no
overall dimention can be totalled correctly after 4:40 pm on
Friday.
Corollary: The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 am
on Monday.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
BROOK'S LAW: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
BREAD AND BUTTER PRINCIPLE: Bread will always fall buttered side
down.
LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE: You cannot successfully
determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY: An object will fall so as to do the
most damage.
Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the
buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
carpet.
PAUL'S LAW: You can't fall off the floor.
SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.
LOWERY'S LAW: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed
replacing anyway.
CAHN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions.
JENKINSON'S LAW: It won't work.
HARVARD LAW: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables,
the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
RULE OF ACCURACY: When working toward the solution of a problem,
it always helps if you know the answer.
HELLER'S LAW: The first myth of management is that it exists.
THE PETER PRINCIPLE: In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise
to his level of incompetence.
THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE: The most ineffective workers are
systematically moved to the place where they can do the least
damage: management.
ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR: People are always available for
work in the past tense.
IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION: Them that has, gets.
JONES'S LAW: The man who can smile when things go wrong has
thought of someone he can blame it on.
LAWS OF PROCRASTINATION:
1. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
2. Avoidance of other duties can be achieved so that the
obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single
effort.
3. It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can
be done.
JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY: In order to get a loan you must
first prove you don't need it.
PAULG'S LAW: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's
how much you save.
RULE OF THE GREAT: When someone you greatly admire and respect
appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are
thinking about lunch.
BARTH'S DISTINCTION: There are two types of people: those who
divide people into two types, and those who don't.
NORTH'S NUMERATION LAW: There are three types of people: those
who can count, and those who can't.
WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have
to do it himself.
FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS: Celibacy is not hereditary.
BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE: The probability of a young man meeting a
desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal
progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date,
(2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
PARKER'S LAW: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to
the bone.
MR. COLE'S AXIOM: Though the population of Earth is growing, the
sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant.
STEELE'S PLAGIARISM OF SOMEBODY'S PHILOSOPHY: Everybody should
believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
CANADA BILL JONES'S MOTTO: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to
keep their money.
Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
THE FIFTH RULE: You have taken yourself too seriously.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
HARTLEY'S FIRST LAW: You can lead a horse to water, but if you
can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
FOWLER'S NOTE: The only imperfect thing in nature is the human
race.
NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW: A bird in the hand is safer
than one overhead.
Back to the top.
The Rude Bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He
shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a
moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm
and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly
sorry
and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Back to the top.
A Blonde Trapped In A Snow Storm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when
the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how
she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her
situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard
she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck
in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow
plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling
very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard
conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow
stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her
window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right since she had been
following him for a long time. She said she was fine and told him her daddy's advice to
follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him
and she could continue if she wanted to, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and
was going over to Kmart next.
Back to the top.
There is this frog...
There is this frog .......he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation". Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000 and the teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger,
he's the adopted pet of Mick Jagger, and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager. Patti
explains that $30,000. is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure
some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says "Sure ... I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about 1 inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti
explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and leaves the room. She finds the
manager and says "there is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
Mick Jagger and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks "what the heck is this?".
(ARE YOU READY FOR THIS???........ARE YOU SURE????)
.
.
.
The bank manager looks her in the eye and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack,
give the Frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Back to the top.
