(Originally published in Minnesota Motorcycling Monthly Magazine.)  

Warning: If you're looking for a pleasant conversation about the art or love of motorcycling from a frozen north Minnesota Nice perspective, good luck with your search.  As Bobby Dylan once said, "it ain't me, babe."  The first Minnesota Motorcycle Monthly editor I worked with, in late 1999, complained that the magazine was getting no mail and the editors wanted to know if any readers were still out there.  I fired off a sarcastic note, as a joke, intended to provide a little humor and some feedback.  He published it as an article and later called me to say he'd received more mail on that letter than he'd received in the past year!  I followed that with an offer to write a monthly column attempting to piss off a particular section of the magazine's readership to see if that tactic would generate some mail.  It did, probably more regularly than the magazine wants at times, and I've been doing the column ever since.  The  MMM publisher, Victor, likes hate letters more than breakfast.  Sometimes, I get the feeling that he would like someone edgier, less polite than me, to do my column.  I'm working on it.  Enjoy or get angry and write me about it.)

MSF with a Geezer Here's your chance to learn everything I know about motorcycling in two afternoons. Maybe you'll even learn more than I know, there is another instructor teaching the class with me and he or she probably knows something useful about motorcycles. This link takes you to a page listing all of the BRC and ERC classes that I'm teaching this summer.

Geezer Blog (http://geezerwithagrudge.blogspot.com/) I'm maintaining a blog site (meaning I post stuff to it on a semi-regular basis). I'm looking for feedback from you. One side of writing is communicating and in a regular column the comments from readers come filtered by the editor and time. The more you contribute, the more I'll add to the site. Honestly, a lot of the stuff on the blog is stuff that probably wouldn't get published in MMM because it's too pissed-off for Minnesota consumption.

1. Why Cover the World with Asphalt? #148 June 2013 Recently, I heard two old guys in my local hardware store worrying that all of the city budget problems were going to result in some cities cutting back so far on their street maintenance that some streets would return to gravel.
2. Secondary Effects Riders Digest Magazine #178 June 2013 So, we fix our image and improve our visibility at the same time by riding to work everyday, using our motorcycles as vehicles instead of overpriced toys, and if we do it long enough, the public will substitute the donorcycle/dirtbag motorcyclist image for something like Honda's old "you meet the nicest people on a Honda [or whatever you ride]."
3. Parental Responsibility #147 May 2013 In a demonstration of what a dumbass I really am, it has taken me most of my life to realize that my kids have taken cues from my attitude. I'm lucky, probably because I've provided a fine example of the results of risk taking, that my kids are alive and far more cautious than me.
4. Acronyms and Jargon (Blog Entry) The upside is that after you've spent the time to learn the jargon, you'll have discovered it was not worth the effort. 
5. When Gear Is Cool #146 April 2013 Maybe this is a generational thing. I don't see the behavior of the leather chaps crowd changing. They still believe in magic and an angry aura. What I do see is a significant change in what the local sport bike crowd is wearing.
6. Rich Bikers Riders Digest Magazine #176 March 2013 Face it, nobody likes rich people. Even rich people don't like 'em. Take Jay Leno, for example.
7. All or Nothin' #145 March 2013 Because motorcycling is a life-support activity, getting good at it is an all-or-nothing affair.
8. The Cell Phone Rule (Blog Entry) I suspect smartphoners begin to think the phone is actually more entertaining than the places and people nearby. If I'm who you're with and where we are is some place that took some effort to get to, I admit to being insulted by that slight.
9. A Technological Dead End? (Blog Entry) My theory is that as a technology approaches terminal, it gets really good.  Then it dies.
10. If I Knew I Was Gonna Live This Long (Blog Entry) For those of us who have the jock tendency, our past life catches up about this time. Every bone I've broken, every tendon I've ripped apart, and every muscle I've carelessly abused has its say when I get out of bed in the morning.
11. Something Happened Here #144 Winter 2012 After a few years of talking about why motorcycles don't get decent fuel economy, Honda went behind my back and did something about it.
12. Black Is Back (Blog Entry) Aerostich, the pioneers of Hi-Viz gear have taken to heart the old marketing wisdom, "sell them what they want, not what they need."
13. Coffee and Motorcycles #143 October 2012 I learned two valuable lessons from that experience: "There is no such thing as too much caffeine" and "I love the 1988 Honda Hawk's brakes." [I was particularly surprised to see my editor, Sev Pearman, pick this rant for MMM. I even warned him in my link page with the comment, "Well nuts. There is no way to tell this story and be politically correct. I'm going to assume this one belongs on Rider's Digest, due to 'language.' Let me know if I'm wrong." Is the Garrison Keilor wimpy-assed Minnesota thing stiffening up or did MMM step into this one purely by accident?] Sev "retired" as editor in the next edition, maybe he was making a goodbye statement. 
14. Motorcycles and Religion (Blog Entry) For years, I have been trying decide for myself if motorcycling is a sport or an activity, now I learn it's also a religion. Yikes!
15. My Wife Made Me Sell the Bike (Blog Entry) "The wife wasn't too happy about my motorcycle and, after my crash, she made me sell it. You know what they say, 'Happy wife, happy life'. Now we're divorced and we're both happy."
16. Sound and Fury Riders Digest Magazine #170 September 2012 Machine noise might be the ultimate sound and fury with no meaning..
17. Slow Is Smooth, Smooth Is Fast #142 September 2012 "If you move slowly, carefully and deliberately however, you are really moving as fast as you can without needlessly increasing the risk on your life."
18. Vanishing Point (Blog Entry) Aftermarket companies sell loud pipes, bike manufacturers hustle the gangbanger or the squids-in-wife-beaters image which doesn't include a full-face helmet, and even the conservative AMA is only half-heartedly promoting safety and neighborhood-friendly exhaust systems.
19. Start Looking in the Mirror #141 August 2012 If we're going to turn around the "donorcycle" image, it's going to take gear, training, and a whole different attitude. Too many motorcyclists model the behavior that has created a negative public image and terrible fatality statistics.
20. Motorcycle Magazines & Me (Blog Entry) Since they don't know I exist, I decided if the cynical Shakespearean adage "discretion is the better part of valor" was catchy enough to gain traction, arrogance and courage might hook up as well.
21. Driven to Consume (Blog Entry) Lucky for us, Apple doesn't make motorcycles. What passes for "design" in Appleworld wouldn't even impress a Harley owner.
22. In Control Riders Rider's Digest Magazine #168 July 2012 I travel alone because that only leaves me with one foolish mind to mismanage. I do not ride a motorcycle for companionship. That's what cars are for. I do not want to be rescued or be a rescuer.
23. Proving A Point #140 July 2012 One person can ride anywhere. Two, not so much.
24. Abusing Statistics #139 June 2012 There are so many connections to be made in those statements that I can almost see a sketch of Peter Fonda before I start connecting the data points.
25. The Clutch Cable Riders Digest Magazine #167 May 2012 What change occurs that turns a motorcyclist into an old guy who tells dumb stories about "back in the day" when he could straddle a bike?
26. Why Stop?  #138 May 2012 Dropping a hippobike on asphalt is almost always a catastrophe of some sort. Dumping a 225 pound dirt bike in gravel or grass is often just funny.
27. Too Big, Too Small, Just Right? #137 April 2012 "Does this bike make my butt look big?"
28. Geezertude #136 Spring 2012 The end is near. Come May, I will be back in the saddle.
29. What Kills Local Dealers? (Blog Entry) One of the (MSF) students asked, "Where do you buy your gear." Somewhat dishonestly, I named the usual suspects without thinking much about it.
30. Counting Lanes Motorcyclist Magazine Street Savvy January 2012 On a two-lane, rural highway, how many lanes are there? On the northbound side of I35E, just past the I694 mouse-trap, how many lanes are there?
31. You Can't Ride Forever #135 Winter 2011 While I’m arguing with myself my wife chips in, “If the big part of the decision is whether you can ride your motorcycle after surgery, you know you can’t ride forever.”
32. Why I Pulled You Over (Blog Entry) When I hear "Help, police!" I interpret that to mean, "Help! Save me from the police!"
33. Speed and Power Kills (or not)? (Blog Entry) After praising 160mph bikes for their safety characteristics, Code takes a weird turn into a discussion on motorcycle training, claiming that "what statistics have also shown all along is that rider training works."
34. Easy Fix, Never Happen (Blog Entry) But by shining a bright light on this pitiful excuse for a human being, the law and the media are doing their damndest to avoid reflecting a little of the blame on the real criminals in this all-too-common sort of incident; cell phone providers.
35. You Are A Motorcycle Bigot #134 October 2011 Taking the accusation half-seriously I thought about comparing the typical cruiser to the description of a person, using the word's definition.
36. Magura Levers and Preston Petty Fenders #133 September 2011 A common gripe among sportbikers is the expense of replacing fragile plastic. “Drop a sportbike, spend a few thousand,” is the sequence we’ve all experienced.
37. A Partial Gearhead (Blog Entry) Cars. I don't like driving them, riding in them, thinking about them, and, especially, I hate owning them.
38. Turning Corners #132 August 2011 One of the advantages to getting old is that you are risking less every year that passes. The idea that aging and conservatism go together bugs the snot out of me.
39. Defining "Retarded" #131 July 2011 I hadn't yet figured out that my congestion was due to the oncoming flu and not my usual allergies to my wife's indoor weed garden and I thought I'd take a look at the bike. (NOTE: This rant was renamed "Defining Idiotic" with related editorial changes by my MMM Editor. I'm sticking with the original concept because it's more accurate.)
40. Feeling Mortal (Blog Entry) This has been a tough 24 months . . . There is nothing like losing friends and family to remind us of our mortality.
41. It's Not A #&^%#@ Wheelchair #130 June  2011 Years ago, a comedian friend of mine had a bit in his routine that asked, "Why are there (insert explicative here) handicapped parking spaces at a racquetball court?"
42. Why Do We Die So Often? #129 May 2011 As Keanu Reeves' character once asked, "What would you do?" What would you do if a large Honda station wagon rolled out in front of you?
43. My Alaska Adventure (Blog Entry) "Conversation" is the word wives use for "argument" and "agreement" is the word they use for "I won."
44. Why Don't We Get That? (Blog Entry) I hear this all the time, "Why don't we get that great bike? The Europeans/Japanese/Chinese/Canadians/Icelanders get all the cool stuff."
45. A Tale of Two Opinions #128 April 2011 My friend posed for a picture on the Ténéré and stuck it on his Facebook page with a "my next bike" warning to his virtual and real friends.
46. Back in the Day #127 March 2011 But if he's still around, I bet he is still packing that .32 and scaring the crap out of Texas doctors.
47. Bigger is Better (Blog Entry) If bigger is better, we have an explanation for our fascination with obesity. The bigger we get, the bigger our bikes need to be.
48. Chasing Ghosts #126 Winter 2010 One early spring Sunday afternoon . . . we discovered a small village, abandoned not that long ago, in Hollywood movie set condition.
49. You Didn't See Me (Blog Entry) Now there is a motorcycle safety ad running on YouTube called "You Didn't See Me." Not one of the YDSM characters depicted in the ad appears to know anything about motorcycle gear.
50. Making A Miserable Experience Worse (Blog Entry) The engine ID line on a motorcycle title was added to the form sometime in the 1970s, when stolen Harleys were more common than purchased bikes. A lot has changed since then, but we're all still paying the bureaucratic price for all those stolen chopper parts.
51. Couldn't Catch a Break (Blog Entry) Sometimes, instead of calling for you, the open road does exactly the opposite.
52. Maybe It's Not for You #125 October 2010 "Sir, keep both hands on the safety rail at all times," lectured the girl on the megaphone as a forty-something dad sat, bored out of his skull, at the back of his clan while the elephant trudged down the fenced path.
53. Pursuing Quality (Blog Entry) The most recent owner/manufacturer of the Norton label claimed that he's only going to be capable of making 2000-4000 bikes a year because "Nortons are essentially going to be handmade . . "
54. Appreciating Good Luck #124 September 2010 Even so, if I give myself credit for being on top of my riding game for 99.9% of my time on the road, that means in my 350.000+ mile motorcycling career I've daydreamed away more than 350 miles.
55. Biking into the Wild #123 August 2010 Riding a motorcycle solo into the abandoned areas of this overpopulated country is my act of mortal defiance. Thinking about pain and disability and death will turn a man conservative.
56. Highway IQ (Blog Entry) Cops call this "profiling." Lawyers get really upset at this practice. So sue me.
57. Handicapping (Blog Entry) His reasoning for picking the one bike in the trailer that he didn't like riding was: he was handicapping himself with a poorly designed motorcycle so that student's wouldn't be able to claim he was "cheating" the course on an easier-to-ride bike than the implement they'd brought.
58. Failure to Commit #122 July 2010 Last summer, I had an amazing opportunity to ride a classic motorcycle, Denny Delzer's Dick Busby designed Egli-framed Vincent.
59. Not Much Fun? (Blog Entry) I'm getting to work on a late October morning. It was raining fairly hard on the way in, so my riding suit is dripping wet and I probably look like something the cat decided wasn't worth dragging in.
60. Standing in Line (Blog Entry) Here's a little test: you're standing in line at a big-box store, asking for the assistance of a "sales associate." That employee is carrying a telephone which rings in the middle of the conversation and the salesperson says, "I have to take this, excuse me." What do you do?
61. Loud Pipes are Powerful Fun (Blog Entry) All motorcyclists are going to be apologizing for the actions of a few who didn't know better and aren't bright enough to quit their destructive behavior. Like ignorance, stupidity is a poor legal defense.
62. Too Dumb to Scoot #121 June 2010 For Sale: 1984 Yamaha Riva 180cc Scooter . . . The problem is/was that I'm not bright enough to take scooters seriously.
63. Your Opinion, My Opinion (Blog Entry) In my life, I have been rightly described as someone who is overly-dependent on personal experience and practical application.
64. Getting Geezerly (Blog Entry) I've noticed a change in my attitude since turning 60. I care less and less about the future of the things that won't affect me.
65. Not Like Everybody (Blog Entry) We should be careful to not be so useless that we end up as a historical footnote.
66. Something I Can Fix #120 May 2010 If we miss this moment, the chances are good that future generations of motorcycle enthusiasts will be clueless about the technology between their legs.
67. Personality  (Blog Entry) Motorcycles with personality sounds like the ultimate in anthropomorphizing inanimate objects. Disney would be proud.
68. Highway Blues (Blog Entry) For several minutes a critical aspect of the film, the smooth on-bike camera work, made absolutely no sense to me. Apparently, European roads are actually paved competently.
69. Getting Back #119 April 2010 All my life, I've known that "money is time," not the reverse.
70. Getting Parked #118 March 2010 The more spaces they can meter, the more work they generate for themselves . . .
71. Why They Hate Us (Blog Entry) “Maybe you haven’t noticed, but a lot of people don’t like motorcycles. I don’t know why, but it’s true.”
72. Don't Ask Me (Blog Entry) So, when a friend recently asked me if I knew a good repair shop, I had to rely on other friends' experiences. I have none of my own. I should have said "I know nothing,"
73. The Best We Can Do? (Blog Entry) It's true. I don't get non-representational art. Jackson Pollack-style wallpaper, Chagall's my-3-year-old-can-paint-better-than-that portraits, or Ornette Coleman's harmony-and-rhythm-free jazz all leave me with a little less appreciation for chaos.
74. Fat Bikers and the Law (Blog Entry) How can anyone call motorcycle a "sport" on one hand and, then, claim that having the maneuverability of an overweight walrus and the shape to match would have no affect on a rider's capability?
75. Who We're Up Against (Blog Entry) Of course, motorcycle traffic in Seattle is substantially above the national norm. Again, which came first: the motorcyclists or the parking availability? As you might have guessed, I have an opinion.
76. Getting Cranky about Patriotism (Blog Entry) I'd love to buy an American-made motorcycle (although I'd probably have to buy it used to fit my own economic situation), but I want something designed for the 21st century, not some silly-assed replica of the overweight, underpowered crap street riders put up with in 1955.
77. Consumer Repellants (Blog Entry) Cincinnati had such an effective parking meter program that the Amtrak station’s parking lot was teeming with metermaids, like sharks who’d sniffed blood in the water but who’d arrived too late to sample the kill.
78. Ten Reasons Not to Wear a Helmet (Blog Entry) #1: Nobody will ever say anything you want to hear. You are past 25, so you'll never enjoy any new music beyond this point.
79. The Price of Complexity (Blog Entry) A significant portion of our culture is dedicated to convincing its children to stay children long past puberty, long past the normal age of separation, mating, and starting a family, and well beyond when any traditional human would be a good way into adulthood. No, it's not because we live so much longer.
80. Stupid Mottos for Stupid Times (Blog Entry) "Hello may fat lady may moon light in the dark I see you your sparks in may soul lov . . . you borm may live in hell of kisses."
81. Why Not? (Blog Entry) This is a question I often ask people who are doing unbelievably dumb things, "Are you stupid?"
82. Are You Stupid? (Blog Entry) Sure, why not? All of you should take out a second mortgage and buy the biggest, ugliest hippobike you can find. Slap some loud pipes on it, for safety's sake, and slip that big monster into heavy traffic. Do your bit to solve overpopulation. Why not?
83. My Kind of Market  #117 Winter 2009 I wonder if I could sell that stuff without laughing? It takes a lot of self-control to take advantage of P.T. Barnum's marketing advice . . . Just ask any banker.
84. What Are We Riding For?  (Revisited) #116 October 2009 I can't afford to be cool, but I keep myself entertained and that's all I really care about.
85. Because It's Still There #115 September 2009 While I was on the road to and from Alaska, my father was back in Kansas wringing his hands and asking anyone who would listen, "How did I manage to raise such a dumb kid"
86. The Motorcycling Community #114 August 2009 I'm not much of a social being. I'm well aware of the fact that people are the "most dangerous animal" and the older I get the less likely I am to put myself in harm's way. On top of that, I firmly believe in the proverb, "Meetings: all of us are dumber than any of us." 
87. Two Wheels is Two Wheels #113 July 2009 "Your tester states that he would rather ride a mountain bike than our GV or any other cruiser? I would just as soon see him do the same..permanently, it certainly would serve your readers better if he did."
88. What We Amount to (on Ride to Work Day 2009) #112 June 2009 Apparently, there are 80 million cars, trucks, SUVs; and minivans on the road every day while only 200,000 motorcycles and scooters occupy those same public roads. For the math-impaired, that amounts to a paltry 0.25% of the total commuting vehicles on the road being two-wheeled.
89. It's Too Damn Easy #111 May 2009 Motorcycling is somewhere between a physical activity and a sport.  I don't think people who might park their cars in handicapped spaces belong on motorcycles.  There have been a few times in my own riding history when I began to think that I either needed to become more fit or quit.
90. Who Will Claim the Body? #110 April 2009 You want points for a piece of my mortal action? Get in line. I'm like the Simpsons' Mr. Burns; every one of my diseases, habits or activities is finely balanced against the rest and a puff of air from a butterfly's wings could trigger a total meltdown of my survival systems.
91. Crashing Cold #109 March 2009 Mostly, it has been cold weather that caused me the most risk. I do not ride well when I’m cold.
92. On Being Alone #108 Winter 2008 "I gotta hand it to you. I couldn't ride 6,000 miles across country by myself."
93. Hearing Damage and Motorcycling #107 October 2008 Motorcycling is a particularly abusive activity, as far as your hearing is concerned. If you are one of the "loud pipes save lives" crowd, you are probably a charter member of the "what did you say" group.
94. Taking Chances on the Future #106 September 2008 Life is an experiment. Every day we get to continue experimenting with living should be an opportunity to learn something about human and physical nature.
95. Selling Garage Candy #105 August 2008 Buyers of art are cautioned to "buy what you like," because the value of art holds no guarantee and you may as well buy the art you enjoy in case that is the only value the art may return. In the case of motorcycles, you might as well ride the damn thing because your $38,000 investment may only be worth a few thousand dollars when you try to sell it.
96. A Good Beginner's Bike #104 July 2008 "What's a good beginner's bike?" This is a question that every experienced rider has attempted to answer dozens of times.
97. Statistics vs. Useful Information #103 June 2008 "The motorcycle lobby in Minnesota is well organized and very vocal in its opposition to helmet laws. Since there are far fewer motorcycles on the road than cars, helmets are not considered a big public safety issue compared to seat belts." Accurate answers, but poor justification.
98. Low Cost Racing and other Oxymorons #102 May 2008 About a decade ago, I discovered remote-control, off-road electric buggy racing. I thought, "how expensive could toy car racing be?"
99. Do You Feel Lucky, Punk? #101 April 2008 I'm totally unconvinced that any passive good luck charm, like loud pipes, would have any effect on any of these scenarios or any other reasonable traffic situation. I am convinced, from personal experience and science, that those pipes could have the opposite, crash-inducing, effect.
100. Education vs. Freedom of Choice #100 March 2008 The AMA (the motorcycle AMA, not the medical AMA) and ABATE have taken on an interesting job. They appear to be motorcycling's watchdogs, protecting the rest of us from helmet laws and insurance carrier oppression.
101. One Bike Isn't Enough #99 Winter 2007-08 In the same way I've avoided hoarding a useless pile of Star Bores dolls, baseball cards, or closets full of worthless obsolete computers, I don't want to go out of my way to mark my territory as "geek."
102. What to Do with Feedback #98 October/November 2007 In the "happy talk" world of modern politics and business, "positive feedback" (the output of "yes men" and political pundits) produces even more wrong-headed decisions from leaders in business and government.  Impossible to imagine, but they are capable of being even more wrong than their natural inclinations.
103. What Do You Do? #97 September 2007 The guy in the pickup jumped out, reached behind his seat, pulled out a shiny blue aluminum baseball bat, and started stomping toward the car at the head of the queue.  The other driver calmly reached under his seat, took out his pistol, and got out of his car to face the guy with the bat.
104. What is It and Who Is It For? #96 August 2007 I recently read an article in an industry rag that described motorcycling as a "sport."  I've called it that before, but I'm not sure it makes sense to describe what we do as "sport."
105. Creating the Wrong Impression #95 July 2007 I haven't avoided ANYTHING, ever, except education and training before I needed it, experienced advice when I was inexperienced, and wisdom and judgment when it was desperately necessary.
106. Bikes That I Love and You (apparently) Hate #94 June 2007 I said, "Nice bike."  He flinched and quickly swung a leg over, fired up the bike, and rode off. 
107. I Lied, So Sue Me #93 May 2007 "I've never done anything like this on your V-Strom." If that doesn't make you comfortable with traveling 1,000 miles by train to put your money down and ride off into the night, I don't know what would.
108. What Loud Pipes Say #92 April 2007 For those of you out there who ride with the passive "protection" of loud pipes, here's something for you to think about. To the average Jill or Joe, you're announcing that you don't care about their hearing, peace of mind, or privacy.
109. Making Decisions #91 March 2007 One of the dumbest things I've ever heard is the statement that so many crash victims make when explaining why they weren't wearing any protective gear; "if I'd have known I was going to crash, I'd have worn my helmet."
110. If You want "Safe," Ride the Bus #90 Winter 2006/2007 Personally, I think any motorcycle instructor who tells beginners that motorcycling is "safe" is doing us all a disservice.
111. Fixing the Traffic and Safety Problem #89 October/November 2006 Rather than belting, buckling, bagging, armor-surrounding, and speed-limiting fools semi-safely in their cars, SUVs, and mini-vans, the solution to all of these terrible deaths, injuries, and wounded psyches is to purge the fools from the traffic lanes. Get the fools out of their single-occupant vehicles and into cabs, mass transit, padded cells, or sensory deprivation chambers.
112. Another Good Guy Bites the Dust #88 September 2006 Jimmy Pomeroy dies in a car accident. Jim was the first American to win a World Championship Motocross in 1973.  Jim changed off-road riding world forever in 1973. He's still a hero to some of us old guys.
113. Psychological Counseling #87 August 2006  Inspired by a strange conversation with a big, bad biker and his fear of being enclosed in a helmet, my first reaction is to say, “get over it.” Lots of things are a little difficult the first time, but if you really want to do something you have to get over your mental problems and get on with the task.
114. Rolling Morons #86 July 2006  The gloves are off.  My honest opinion is "Americans are passing from timid to fantastically wimpy. What loud pipes say is 'I need passive protection from other drivers because I'm too unskilled to take care of myself. If mechanically screaming 'mayday (potato), mayday (potato), make way for a runaway vehicle (potato)' doesn't save my ass, my ass is toast.'"
115. Panic Reactions #85 June 2006  When I discuss the mental skills necessary for riding motorcycles, I try to convince my students that "every panic reaction you have on a motorcycle will be wrong."
116. Rights and Not Right #84, May 2006 I do not think motorcyclists are a special species, race, or religious group deserving of special rights to public roads, to particular government services or protection, or any form of public subsidy beyond the vehicle's practical contribution to the flow of traffic.
117. An Afternoon Ride #83, April 2006 Besides, my wife wasn’t going to get home from work until sometime around 11PM and I knew she’d want me to be enjoying myself, harmlessly, instead of moping around the house cleaning and cooking dinner.  I take my responsibilities as a husband seriously, so I headed north toward Two Harbors and beyond. 
118. Motorcycle Incompatibility #82, March 2006 In my forty-something years of motorcycling, I’ve tried to combine just about everything with motorcycles.  Some things work and more things don’t. 
119. A Witless Battle #81, Winter 2005-2006 Andy’s (Goldfine) contention is that motorcycles reduce traffic congestion, pollution, and parking space problems.  He argues that motorcycles could reduce fuel consumption, natural resource depletion, and enhance urban transportation options.  Mostly, I agree with him.
120. Motorcycles and Art #80, October/November 2005 If I’m given a choice between wandering through a fine art gallery or a crafts show, I’ll take the crafts show every time.
121. An Attempt at Understanding Issue #79, September 2005 I admit it. I don't understand people. Not at all. Not ever.
122. Getting Old, It's Not All Bad Issue #78, August 2005 In my declining years, I look at investments as something that must provide an equal return for my effort . . . there has to be a payback if I’m going to risk my current low maintenance lifestyle.
123. Riding to Work 2005 Issue #77, July 2005 I don't usually do anything special on Ride to Work Day.  I ride to work almost every day, rain or shine, regardless of dress code, social standards, or common sense.
124. Tailgating in the Fast Lane Issue #76, June 2005 Urban Minnesota has a freeway system that was designed (to loosely and abusively use the word "design")  by drunken professional wrestlers.
125. Want to Race? Issue #75, May 2005 Racing cars isn’t my idea of a fair fight, for a zillion reasons. 
126. Making Better Toys Issue #74, April 2005 Unlike the modern signal light, this toy is practically indestructible . . .This toy takes more abuse in an afternoon than motorcycle plastic receives in a year of road racing. 
127. What I'd Really Like to Buy Issue #73, March 2005 Motorcycles have improved because and in spite of the folks who are currently manufacturing them.
128. A Seller's Market Issue #72, Winter 2004 If it’s a sellers’ market, it’s not much of one.  Some of the bikes I looked at this spring and summer have been “on the market” for years.
129. Driving Impaired Issue #71, October/November 2004 My position of driving impaired is, when someone is found to be incapable of maneuvering a vehicle precisely and quickly, the vehicle and the driver's license should be immediately confiscated. And not returned, ever.
130. Riding Styles Issue #70, September 2004 If I was more inclined to believe in conspiracies, I'd suspect that many of you assemble Cirque du Soleil clown routines, just so I'll be consistently entertained and have material for a Geezer rant.
131. Dumping on Ourselves Issue #69, August 2004 Few things make me feel as old and crotchety as watching motorcyclists make new enemies for me.
132. Passengers Anyone? Issue #68, July 2004 When he slowed to turn around, I put an arm lock on his throat and said "anything over 55 and I squeeze until goo comes out of your ears."  We rode all the way back to town with my arm locked around his throat.
133. A Bunch of Old Women Issue #67, June 2004 In my experience, it’s a poor stereotype since I’ve run into more old men who are timid and wimpy than old women who fit the type.  However, any insult that actually irritates the object of derision is worth using.
134. Is It Me? Issue #66, May 2004 I know you’re tired of hearing old guys complain that today’s bikes cost more than we used to pay for a house, but some of these bikes cost as much as I once could have paid for a small town city block!
135. It's Too Cold Issue #65, April 2004 The fashion statement he decided to make on the Harley stuck him with a brainbucket, face shield-less helmet, weather-intolerant leather gear, and a stripped down bike without a windshield or a riding position that allows for aggressive maneuvering in imperfect riding conditions. 
136. Accidental Memories Issue #64, March 2004 A decade or two ago, one of my daughters had a tee-shirt that read "I only wish I could ride as fast as my father remembers he rode." The fact is, I don't remember myself riding all that fast or often.
137. Black and White Issue #63, Winter 2003 The story has been that I only see things in black and white, right or wrong, good and bad. Usually, I get this pitch from someone who's perspective is completely different than mine and who wants me to change my way of thinking to reflect their own.
138. Image Unconscious Issue #62, October/November 2003 One of the more entertaining features of teaching motorcycling is seeing how many preconceptions students have formed into personal philosophy before they ever put a foot on a peg.
139. Professional Bikers Issue #61, September 2003 Here's what I used to think described a pro biker: someone who rides motorcycles and gets paid for it.
140. Power Mad Issue #60, August 2003 Perception is everything, marketing dweebs tell me.  Power isn't directly related to engine size (or decibel level), but you can sure fool most folks, as Abraham Lincoln suspected. 
141. Smart Vehicles and Dumb Drivers Issue #59, July 2003 It seems to me that car drivers are getting less competent by the minute.  At this rate of degeneration, it won't be long before an intelligent system based on a slice of toast will be as smart as a typical driver. 
142. An MSF Season on the Brink Issue #58, June 2003 The paperwork, the weather, the mangled bikes that need emergency repairs before you can start the class, and the usual administrative hassles are enough to make one season a full purpose experience.  Getting to hang out with motivated new motorcyclists and really good rider-coaches made up for an awful lot of the downsides. 
143. Doing Without Issue #57, May 2003 Having considered my own commitment to motorcycling, sans headgear, I have a lot more sympathy for my friend's situation if he were forced to wear a helmet . . . I have a lot more respect for his right to be wrong and for his defense of that right. 
144. To Fringe or Not To Fringe Issue #56, April 2003 Having been stuck behind a mile-long line of dottering two-wheeled vehicles on a few of the Midwest's great backroads, I can see only one purpose for the bicycle handlebar streamer look.  If it weren't for the fringe, you wouldn't be able to tell if the good ole' boys and girls were moving.
145. Lane Etiquette Issue #55, March 2003 In the interests of furthering my agenda (getting to split lanes in Minnesota) I thought I'd explain some of the rules of safe and polite lane-splitting.
146. Who's A Disposa-Bike? Issue #54, Winter 2002 His other compelling evidence was a challenge to find a Japanese collector bike that is worth $100,000.
147. Guilding the Dandelion Issue #53, October 2002 When you're asking for $5,000 for $100 worth of stuff, you aren't allowed a smirk; let alone an evil grin or a gut busting, finger-pointing belly laugh.
148. Better Late Than Never Issue #52, September 2002 Dirt bikers like to pretend they are innocent, law-abiding, salt-of-the-earth types who are being persecuted by evil agents of the government and tree-hugging environmentalists. Evil tree-huggers? That's the sort of flawed logic that gets bikers labeled as nutballs or idiots.
149. My Favorite Wreak Issue #51, August 2002 Twenty feet away, his ape-hung Harley lay crumpled against the curb with assorted bits scattered between the biker and the bike. Parked on the road, a few yards past the bike, sat a white Honda Accord containing a hysterical female driver.
150. Starting a Revolution Issue #50, July 2002 If you're not comfortable with lane splitting, don't do it. If you're not good enough to split lanes in moving freeway traffic, you need to improve your riding skills: you're obviously not good enough to ride safely.
151. Minnesota Drivers Issue #49, June 2002 It's practically impossible to flunk the driving exam . . in the last twenty years driving has become a privilege that has all the appearances of a "right."
152. A Horned Dilemma Issue #48, May 2002 I want to hang with Dougie Lampkin and the guys, all by myself. I love being able to stand inches from the exit point of section seven and watch Geoff Aaron wire-walk his Montesa on one wheel (not necessarily the rear one) through the rocks.
153. When Chickens Come Home to Roost Issue #47, March 2002 A year and a dozen races after the bike's rebirth, you never saw a more wiped out motorcycle. During the following 30-some years, other than my occasional run-in (usually, run-away) with real Harley bikers, that was my family's last experience with Harleys.
154. They Are Not Men, They Are Bikers Issue #46, Winter 2001 Whatever my situation, I'm not ashamed to admit that the Vikings I see on the road this time of the year are the kind of guys who have always intimidated and amazed me.
155. Helmet Logic Issue #45, September 2001 A while back, some logic-inhibited wacko wrote MMM about how dangerous helmets are because he/she had a friend whose helmet got so smashed up in a wreak that the docs had to pick pieces of fiberglass out of his skull.
156. A Different Breed Issue #44, August 2001 Based Harley's advertising, and the usual riding costumes, the big part of the "Harley mystique" is still about being an outlaw. An outlaw, according to Danny Webster is someone who is "a person excluded from the benefit or protection of the law."
157. When Dealers Were Interesting Issue #43, July 2001 Without "the Captain," I suspect that my hometown would have never had reason to worry about kids on motorcycles. He got his nickname from his costume; leather flight jacket and leather pants, tee-shirt, Marlon Brando riding cap, and lineman's boots.
158. Never Do That Again Issue #42, June 2001 The first of those rules is "never buy a motorcycle from a kid."
159. Keep Yourself Alive Issue #41, May 2001 Minnesota winters, a new grandson, a house that needed more work than it will ever be worth, and general purpose laziness cut those miles in half for three years and, in the summer of 1998, I began to think that I might be getting too old to ride a bike.
160. A Failure to Communicate Issue #40, March 2001 The folks at Nady, for example, made those damn helmet communications systems so inexpensive that I could have afforded one if I were lifeless enough to want one.
161. A Good Day, Well Spent (unpublished and forgotten) If you have never worn a press badge to a trade show, you really need to try it sometime. All riders should be issued press badges . . . the vendors and bike reps were a lot nicer to me than usual. I, in exchange, was a lot more ruthless to them.
162. Reverse Psychology Issue #39, Winter 2000 I see absolutely nothing wrong with a cop firing a warning shot to the head, when said cop pulls over a biker, a jacked-up SUV owner, or a semi-driver for noise emissions from a non-stock, non-EPA, non-DOT approved exhaust system.
163. If You Live Long Enough Issue #38, August/September 2000 If you ride and pay attention to bikes long enough, the adventure can turn deadly. Stay on the road for half a century and you're likely to see a biker maimed or killed.
164. Conspiracy Theories Issue #37, July 2000 Personally, I like my stereotypes to remain predictable. I mean, what's the point in having unpredictable stereotypes?
165. Old Guys and Old Bikes, What's With That? Issue #36, April 2000 We have people paying a fortune for moldy Barbie dolls, baseball cards that were less important than the bubblegum they came with, and motorcycles that don't generate enough power to avoid being overtaken by geriatric bicyclists.
166. History is Everything Issue #35, April 2000 I can't see why anyone would chose chrome over a much more durable anodized finish, leather over a tougher and more IR and weather resistant synthetic material, an airbrushed enamel paint job over epoxy powder coating, or tube mild steel over a reinforced cast aluminum frame.
167. When Two Wheels are Not Necessarily Better than Four Issue #34, March 2000 When I asked a salesman about maintenance, he looked at me like I might be contagious. He babbled about how trouble-free the SV would be.
168. Who Has What? Issue #33, Winter 1999/2000 That was quickly followed by the obvious question, "Yamaha has a marketing department?"
169. What Are We Riding For? Issue #31, (The original, from whence The Geezer came from) October 1999 If I wanted to ride something that had just left state-of-the-art when I wasborn, in 1948, I’d be in hog heaven (pun intended). When I was an active off-road racer, the Harley crowd ruined a collection of my favorite events (including Sturgis) and I still hold a grudge.

Minnesota Motorcycle Monthly Magazine is a local magazine that's aimed at folks who love motorcycles and reading about them. The magazine's website is located at: http://www.mnmotorcycle.com. I'd strongly recommend a visit to this site for anyone who likes two-wheeled vehicles that go "vroom-vrooom" in the night.