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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1904
(10/11/01 10:53 pm)
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EP PARODY ALL
SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
Rules:
--All seasons eps including the Xena/Herc eps.
--all
parody styles you can think of; song, alternate scene, poem, lost
scene, ep explanation in 25 words or less, talk show,
man-on-the-street interview, X&G meet today's stars/situations,
etc... but it should be obvious to Xenites what ep you're
mocking.
-- Subber and Shipper / be cognizant of Red's ever-ready
whip.
For examples see "Parody Two" in General Chat and
"Parody List" in Archive III .
Not necessary to go in ep or
season order -- but what a challenge!
Don't shy from the
boring eps. They need our help the most!
When we hit 200
posts we'll start over.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN!!!
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 10/12/01 8:38:49 am
|
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1905
(10/11/01 11:29 pm)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
(SINS OF THE PAST)
CHINTZ FOR THE
PANTS
GREECE: A SMOLDERING RENPIX VILLAGE
Xena
rides on her new mare, Argo. She comes to a village recently torched
by her army. A noise brings Xena out of her reverie of despair and
she turns to see a boy stepping out of a doorway, with a palm leaf
wrapped around him. He reaches to pat Argo on the snout. Argo tries
to chew at the palm leaf.
XENA
Don't touch The Horse.
BOY (backing up)
You got any clothes you could spare?
XENA
Clothes are scarce everywhere. No one has anything
to spare. Where are your parents?
BOY (dejectedly)
The
other side. They were killed by Xena, the Wardrobe Princess. She
came down out of the sky in a chariot, throwing crochette needles
and dotted Swiss fabric samples.
Xena is hit by guilt and
she tosses the boy her underwear before riding on. The boy smiles
after her.
A MEADOW
Xena dismounts and begins to
bury her armour, and weapons, plus 1 pair of silk evening slacks
with matching dinner jacket, 3 gauze guru shirts, 2 pairs of tie-dye
hiphuggers, 1 broken spatula and a used egg beater, 1 red flannel
pair of long johns, 1 Longaberger Pumpkin Patch set, dental floss
(unwaxed), 3 housedresses for the farm, a Japa tattooing instruction
kit, 1 coffee grinder, an 18-month Miss Fujiyama calender, 1 never
worn red kimono, a box of Bandaids, 3 bags of trail mix, assorted
hair clips, 1 valkyrie cap with wings, a vegetable brush, toreador
pants, a deck of cards, 1 fez, a rolling pin, a hibachi, 2 tunics, 1
M’Lila Pinch Technique flowchart, toenail clippers, a windbreaker, 2
kilts with bagpipes, a shower cap, 1 half-finished macramé pastoral
scene, a half of a pastrami sandwich…and 1 cast iron FRY PAN. Argo
groans as the weight is lifted.
Three hours and one medium
sized Alp later, she stands assessing her work. Suddenly, she spins
around at the sound of villagers screaming as they are herded into
the meadow by a band of ruffians. Hiding behind a bush, she watches
wearing nothing but her plain white under slip.
SPANDEKS
Okay, we can do this one of two ways...
A perky,
somewhat annoying, young blonde girl bursts defiantly from the crowd
of cowering villagers.
GABRIBELLE
Take me! Let the others
go!
SPANDEKS
How did you even know what I was going to
say?
GABRIBELLE
Blisterin' Bacchae! Darlin', I been
around the block y'know! I just assumed you were fixin' to corral
all these nubile young thangs. Is that tunic you’re wearing Percale,
perchance?
SPANDEKS
Shut up, slave! Round them up!
XENA
YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI
The villagers gasp
in amazement as Xena somersaults into Spandeks, knocking him into 6
of his men who go down like so many bowling pins. Xena holds
Spandeks’ own sword at his nose.
XENA (to
Spandeks)
You’re with Dacron. I can tell by the Herringbone Twill
scarf. Tell him Xena says, “Twill is sooo five minutes ago.”
GABRIBELLE (grimacing with distaste)
Lawdy! Please tell
me that’s NOT a plain weave under slip, darlin’? Oh, honey! It hurts
mah eyes! Can you say ‘fashion intervention’? Why, we’ll just have
to remedy this raaght now! Follow me, sugah!
XENA
Hang on
a minute. I gotta dig something up.
IN THE VILLAGE
Outside Gabribelle’s house, the villagers crane their necks
to see Xena’s unusual belongings that have been loaded back onto the
sagging Argo. Watching Xena put her armour back on, Gabribelle can
hardly contain herself.
GABRIBELLE
A’hm plum amazed! The
kimono, the toreador pants, and kilts! You coulda blow'd me over
with an ostrich feather! We haven’t seen kilts this far south in
years! Where did you get these wonders? Did you make it all
yourself?
XENA
No. I travel a lot.
GABRIBELLE
Well! Between the two of us?… anyone with ayhs
can plainly see, these people know nothing of the Greco Aesthetic.
You’ve got to take me with you, and teach me everything you know.
You simply can’t leave me.
XENA
Why?
GABRIBELLE
Um…Hello? Are you seeing the rags these people utilize as
apparel?! Hardly the latest rage from Corinth! These yokels think
haute couture is a village to the east! And my father won’t cough up
the dinars I need to practice my heart’s craft. He’s tight as a
clam’s ass, and that’s water tight, honey! So, uh…… what direction
are you headed?
XENA
Don’t even think of it.
GABRIBELLE
Why, whatEVER are you tawking about?
XENA
Following me.
GABRIBELLE
Now, honey, I
know right now I must seem about as welcome as a bacon sandwich at a
bar mitzvah. But you’ll get used to me. People just do. We could be
really good for each other.
XENA
You don’t want to make me
mad now, do you?
GABRIBELLE
Nu-uh.
Xena jumps on
Argo and scowls her way out of town.
DACRON’S CAMP
XENA
Hello, Dacron.
DACRON
Xena! What brings
you here? You got the last of my Serpentine Crepe last month.
XENA
I’m not not here to wrestle you for more fabric. I
have a favor to ask of you. I want you to promise me you’ll leave
the village virgins alone.
DACRON
Want ‘em for yourself,
eh?
XENA
No. These people are fashion-challenged. They
don’t need added grief from you.
DACRON
I’ll consider it.
What is it you’re not telling me Xena?
XENA
I’m going
home, Dacron.
DACRON
Ha! What do you hope to find back
home? I tried to go home once. My father made me wear a mauve
ruffled bolo shirt with matching white bucks and belt to my prom. I
was mortified.
I still have to fight off my men. You’ll get the
same treatment, I guarantee it.
XENA
I have to try
Dacron. I’m tired of life on the fashion highway. I need to find
peace.
ACT TWO
Xena rides Argo. She knows she’s being
followed and takes steps to ambush her prey. She spots Pekor, leaps
onto him and applies the pinch.
XENA
I’ve cut off the
supply of blood to your brain. You’ll be dead in 30 seconds unless
you answer my questions.
PEKOR
Who….who are
you?
XENA
Name’s Xena.
PEKOR
The Wardrobe
Princess?
XENA
Some people call me that. (to herself:
Beats Pekor) First, why are you wearing white after Labor
Day?
PEKOR
I didn't realize .... I don't have a sundial on
me.
XENA
Figures. What are Dacron’s
plans?
PEKOR
He plans to destroy your home valley in order
to get all the hemp.
XENA
You’ll regain feeling in a few
minutes. You may not survive your fashion faux pas, though. Just my
opinion.
XENA’S HOME TOWN
Xena enters the local tavern
and the conversation dies, except for some quiet whispers. Xena’s
mother, Static, appears.
XENA
Mother?
Static
draws Xena’s sword and holds it at Xena’s throat. Villagers back
off.
STATIC
I told you never to come back unless you were
wearing a dress.
XENA
We’ve been through this before
mother. It’s embarrassing to triple somersault in a dress without
underwear. Besides, I’m here to help organize a defense. Dacron’s
army is coming. They want your hemp.
EXTRA
You mean YOU
want it, Xena. That army is carrying your lightweight serge and
pastel chiffon banners, and shouting your name.
STATIC
Do
with her what you will!
Outraged, Static stomps out. The
villagers converge on Xena.
EXTRA
You should have stayed
with your army, Xena. This is the last runway you’ll ever walk.
XENA
Well, what are you waiting for? Take your revenge.
It’s true, what they say, it’s sweet. What? Is one fashionable woman
too much for you? Let me even the odds. One unarmed woman might be
more to your tastes. Would you prefer the leather off the shoulder
or on?
Xena places her sword on the bar. Three darning
needles are thrown, and bounce off her breastplate, but Gabribelle
runs in and stands in the way before more can be
flung.
GABRIBELLE
Okay, this is bad. Um…..Wait! Now, you
don’t know me. I’m from out yonder. But, I can assure you, Xena is a
changed woman. I saw her do some heroic things in the name of high
fashion.
EXTRA
She’s brought Dacron down on us with her
army. She deserves to die, in a color that doesn't do her
justice.
GABRIBELLE
Well, maybe. But work with me for a
minute here. Arncha y’all fergettin’ somethin’? True, Dacron is
ridin’ high on his way here, but she used to be his woman, y’know.
And if you go messin’ with her, he’ll be over you like mustard on a
baloney sandwich.
The villagers glance at each other
nervously.
EXTRA
Well…Alright. Get her out of here. And
don’t come back!
VILLAGE OUT-SKIRTS
Outside, Xena gets
ready to leave on Argo.
GABRIBELLE
Hey, Xena, I could
probably get up there behind you.
XENA
Yeah, I’ve heard
that one before.
GABRIBELLE
Wait, you’re not gonna just
leave me here, are you? I came all this way to dress you. And have
you dress me! I was looking so forward to pajama parties, just like
back home.
XENA
I dress myself. And I don’t wear
pajamas.
GABRIBELLE
Hey, I just saved your life… AND your
fashion self-respect which, I might add, was teetering on the edge
of doom with that oh-so-five-minutes-ago-gauntlet thing you have
goin’ on.
XENA (sighs)
C’mon.
IN THE
VILLAGE
Xena enters the town council room.
DACRON
Xena. How was the homecoming? Did they make you
prom queen?
XENA
No Dacron, that’s your
job.
Dacron’s men titter.
DACRON
So, it’s a
showdown. What’ll it be, Xena?
XENA
You pick the weapons.
I’ll pick the conditions.
DACRON
Spinning
looms!
XENA
On the villagers heads. The first one to
devise 10 creations, lives, the other dies.
DACRON
You’re
on.
EXTRA
Come on, Xena! Use my shoulders and let me
thread your needle.
Xena jumps onto the man’s shoulders.
Sitting at their looms, atop the villagers heads, the two spin
furiously. Xena finishes 1 fleece shawl and 3 silk scarfs in a
matter of moments. Dacron fabricates 1 pair of fur gloves, a knotted
lace wedding veil and 2 cardigans. Xena produces a mahvelous macramé
rug, and a beaver Joxer hat, and 3 breezy cotton housedresses.
Dacron looks over to see Xena’s progress and loses his balance. He
loses precious time climbing back up onto the spinning wheel seat.
Without further ado, Xena forms, as if by magic a calico upholstery
cover blowing Dacron out of the game.To rub his nose in it, she
takes her time tossing one of the housedresses over her head then
pitches him to the floor and stands on his chest.
XENA
Lame, Dacron, really lame. If I let you live, you and your army
clear out of the valley by sundown. Swear it, on the Head of Edith
Head.
DACRON
I swear, on the Head of Edith Head, Godess
of Fashion, to be out of your valley by sundown.
Static
enters the room, and she and Xena hug.
XENA
Mother,
forgive me, please.
STATIC
I forgive you, my little one.
I forgive you. I’m so happy to have you in dresses again.
XENA
You know, I can’t stand it for long.
STATIC
Thought I’d give it a shot.
CAMPFIRE – THAT
NIGHT
Xena is poking at a fire. Hearing a noise, she goes
into instant warrior mode. Gabribelle pokes her head around a tree.
GABRIBELLE
Mighty Minerva! It’s blacker out here than a
coal miner eatin’ licorice at midnight with his eyes closed! Well! I
was gonna follow you until you were in another embarrassing
sartorial crisis. It’s so cold out there, and I don’t have my mohair
coat.
XENA
You know, I’m sending you home…um…well…in the
morning.
GABRIBELLE
I won’t stay home. I don’t belong
there, Xena. I’m not the little seamstress that my parents wanted me
to be. I’m plum fit to be hogtied! You wouldn’t understand.
XENA
Well. It’s not easy convincing people that fashion
is the Greatest Good, or so it seems to me.
Xena notices the
suck-up expression on Gabribelle’s face and rolls her eyes. She
tosses a Chintz blanket at her.
GABRIBELLE
Um…Could I have
the reversible Chenille instead? Chintz makes me break out. But it
makes for wonderful pants! Yes, indeed! Chintz for the Pants, I
always say!
Xena snorts her disdain and tosses the Chenille
at Gabribelle.
ON THE ROAD - MORNING
.
Morning
arrives and the two walk along with Argo who, now carrying
Gabribelle's possessions in addition to Xena’s, is closer to the
ground by an inch and three-quarters than the previous
day.
XENA
You know… where I’m headed, it’ll be hard to
find fabric en vogue.
GABRIBELLE
I suppose.
XENA
Then why would you want to go into that with me, Gabribelle?
GABRIBELLE
Call me Belle. Ya see, honey, that’s what
Belle does! Why, I was born to outfit the world. Why there’s
crinoline and satin weave, and calico and angora – goat AND rabbit
angora, that is – I MUCH prefer the rabbit, of course. Ustacould get
it here, but not so much anymore, ‘cept if’n it’s a holiday? But, I
make do with taffeta (that’s French for ‘gooey candy’ you know).
Those bozos back home couldn’t tell the difference anyways if it
came up and bit ‘em on the ass,
sur’nuff!
XENA
Uh….
GABRIBELLE
Now Abaca?? Abaca
is VERY strong and has high luster. And it’s highly
damage-resistant. Not so with Damask. Nu-uh, honey! Did I ever tell
you the story of how when I was spinning some Damask, I destroyed a
loom with it once? Things just weren’t raaght for weeks, I do
declare! And then there’s velveteen. But it doesn’t hold up well in
dry weather. And, Demeter help us all! Don’t even try to tumble dry
it! I don’t have to tell you how dry it is in Thrace! Why, honey,
it’s so dry the trees are bribin’ the dawgs!
XENA
Uh…Belle?
GABRIBELLE
Now Camel Hair can be
tricky! Of course you have yer Bactrian and yer Mongolian. You want
to stay away from Mongolian if you’re goin’ for that desert-like,
natural tone look. And Mongolian? That’s strikkly for evening wear.
Now, brocade flower motifs?… Mmmm. Exquisite! You stick with me,
darlin’. I reckon I’ll have you outta that doeskin in no time, come
Tartarus or high water! I specialize in inseams, you know….but
codpieces? Honey! Nuthin’ trickier….nuthin’!
XENA
Uh,
Belle?
GABRIBELLE
Yes, darlin’?
XENA
Shut up.
|
weirdfrog
TX New Member
Posts: 44
(10/12/01 9:01 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
OMG 
Static--the Village Outskirts!?--Sho nuff!
Yak
snort...What's next folks?
|
nicotene2000
TX New Member
Posts: 61
(10/12/01 4:26 pm)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
Excellent 
Lord Percy: 'Ahm, yes. Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence.
That's quite an interesting thing. Tell me about
it.... |
antony
girl
TX Member
Posts:
1872
(10/12/01 8:32 pm)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
As she'd sworn on the head of Edith Head (
) to do so, AG faithfully reposts...
Causing a Convention
(Cut musical number from SOTP)
I’ve got the abs, baby, to
get attention
If we got together we’d be causing a
convention
We’ve got some hellacious sexual tension
If we got
together we’d be causing a convention
You met your mate when
you saved me
I know that you think I’m some peasant hayseed
But underneath this blouse you’ll see
That I’ve been doing
crunches just like crazy
You’ve gotta teach me what you know
I’ve got a staff, aren’t you tired of fighting alone
I want a
whip and some boot lifts, too
It’s not a secret I feel small when
I stand next you
You’ve got the thighs, baby, for villain
clenchin’
If we got together we’d be causing a convention
The
sparks we generate could fund our pensions
If we got together
we’d be causing a convention
Someday you’ll see you need
PR
You know your past is rather spotty, baby
Did I mention I
am a bard?
I can help clean up your image and maybe
The guilt
you feel won’t be so tough
Do you work out or are princesses all
quite this buff?
Did I mention I make great red dumplings?
Is
there a place on your horse for all of my things?
I’ve got
the best, baby, of good intentions
If we got together we’d be
causing a convention
Is this the love whose name we cannot
mention?
If we got together we’d be causing a
convention
Causing a convention, causing a convention
Causing
a convention, causing a convention
I am all that you’ve been
looking for
I promise I’ll never snore
I can’t wed Perd, he’s
such a nerd
So let’s get this show on the road
The guilt
you feel won’t be so tough
Do you work out or are princesses all
quite this buff?
Did I mention I make great red dumplings?
Is
there a place on your horse for all of my things?
I’ve got
the best, baby, of good intentions
If we got together we’d be
causing a convention
Is this the love whose name we cannot
mention?
If we got together we’d be causing a
convention
Causing a convention, causing a convention
Causing
a convention, causing a convention
I’ve got the abs, baby, to
get attention
If we got together we’d be causing a
convention
We’ve got some hellacious sexual tension
If we got
together we’d be causing a convention
|
Runt
TX Member
Posts: 396
(10/13/01 12:46 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
SS, wonderful! I wish I'd seen the other seasons besides season six!
Argh!
AG, Gabs may be a seamstress but you are the songstress!
|
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1926
(10/13/01 9:17 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
Runt, (and everyone who doesn't have tapes) you can go here for
scripts to jog the memory.
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/1291/graph/epguide.html
Runt,
did you see Callisto in June right before they broadcast FIN? I'd
love to see you do something hilarious with that!
|
Wineskin
TX Member
Posts: 647
(10/14/01 8:23 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
I was inspired by Soul's CHINTZ FOR THE PANTS to write this song.
Think Carpenters....
Clothes To You
Why do thongs
suddenly appear
Everytime, you are near?
Just like me, they
long to be
Clothes to yoooooou.
Why do pants fall down
from your thighs
Everytime, you are high?
Just like Xe
They
long to be
Clothes to yoooooooou
In your bodice thin and
worn
Your ta-tas got together
And decided to reveal the inner
yoooou.
So we sprinkled henbane in her hair
And watched her
beat the slavers black and blue.
That is why-- all the girls
in town
Follow you, all around
Just like G
They long to
be
Clothes to yoooooooou.
Just like G, they long to
beeeee
Clothes to yooooooooou.
|
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1978
(10/20/01 10:34 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
Okay, I'm reposting one of my FIN parodies from Archives to get us
bumped.
C'mon you guys!!!! Let's
get creative!
The Wizard of
Ozguchi
IF I ONLY HAD
A…….HEAD
GAB:
Guess
I’ll while away the hours, by dodging fireball
showers,
consulting with the dead.
I’d forgo the tattoo
rashes, and proceed with making ashes,
if I only had her
head.
Akemi’s not reliant, cuz that’s just not
“defiant”,
her goal is to save face.
But she really got the
fans vexed, when she compromised our subtext,
let her suffer
without “grace”.
I know I’m irritating, a nag…extremely
grating,
but don’t forget I’m blonde.
Still you gave too much
attention, to preposterous redemption,
Babe, they really had you
conned!
_________________
Oh, IIIII could tell you
whyyyyyy, the script left me aghast.
It wasn’t just the lame
atomic blast.
But how’s a boat supposed to sail without a
mast?!
_________________
I’m really sick of sushi,
especially in Higuchi, where everything’s aflame.
We should be at
our own campfire, instead I’m here fanning your pyre,
just when
did you go insane?
XENA:
I’m
dead and you’re still nagging, Yodoshi’s got me gagging,
you
think this is a cinch?
I’ve been arrowed, I’m beheaded, Blest
Katana’s got me shredded,
but at least you’ve got The
Pinch.
I should thank you for the water, wasn't transferred
like a daughter,
I hardly could object.
Censors could have
caused some trouble, even with a body double,
when my armor went
erect.
If you want to keep my ashes, protecting you in
clashes,
there’s something you must learn.
If you can’t tone
down the chatter, well it really doesn’t matter,
toss some Valium
in the urn.
______________
Oh, whyyyyy inflict such
paaaain? Only you could give a
ghost acute migraine.
Just be
glad you’re where you’ve always been.
What good’s a whorehouse
with no such thing as skin?!
______________
You must
drop this sad obsession dear, we’ll meet in Soul Possession
dear,
and don’t you fail to see.
When a stranger shyly
beckons, basks in your eyes thirty seconds,
understand it’s
finally me.
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 10/20/01 9:45:14 am
|
MelosaNurse
TX New Member
Posts: 65
(10/20/01 11:45 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
I love it. These are great.
-Melsy
|
LadyKate63
TX Member
Posts: 1615
(10/22/01 1:50 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
Soulsisters, I never read your Wizard of Ozguchi parody the first
time around... lady, you are brilliant!
Maybe I'll get around to those Ally McBeal and Sopranos crossovers
one of these days...
LADYKATE
ARES'
PR REP HERE ON EARTH
|
Crazy4Xena
TX New Member
Posts: 26
(10/22/01 2:32 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
You are something else!
|
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 2012
(10/22/01 8:07 am)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
LK, check out "Parody List" in Archive III,
to see sirach's spoof
of the Addams Family.
It's a total riot.
|
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 2083
(10/29/01 9:12 pm)
Reply
|
Re: EP PARODY
ALL SEASONS--COME ONE, COME ALL!
wrong thread.
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 10/29/01 7:15:37
pm
| |
Talking
Xena