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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1076
(8/12/01 9:49 am)
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Parody list
two
sirarch, I think Parody list is about to be locked down at
200
posts.....let's start anew, shall we!!!
XWP: A
TITANIC FINALE
Xena is hanging off the stern of a boat, 100
feet above a moonlit ocean filled with icebergs as far as the eye
can see. Indecision plays across her face. Gab eases up behind
her.
GAB: Don’t do it!
XENA: Stay back! Don’t come any
closer!
GAB: (Inching forward) C’mon. Just gimme your hand.
I’ll pull you back over.
XENA: No! Stay where you are! I mean
it! I’ll let go!
GAB: No you won’t.
XENA: Waddya mean,
no I won’t. Don’t presume to tell me what I will and will not do.
You don’t know me.
GAB: Oh, puleeze. Who are you kidding? I
know you better than you know yourself. C’mon. Get down from
there.
XENA: You’re distracting me. Go away! Personal
redemption is…well…personal!
GAB: (Rolling her eyes) Not that
tired schtick again! And just where am I gonna go? I’m involved now.
I’ve been involved for years. You let go and I’m gonna have to jump
in there after you. Your path is my path.
XENA: Don’t be
absurd. You’ll be killed.
GAB: I’m a good swimmer. Does the
word ‘pond’ ring a bell?
XENA: The fall alone would kill
you.
GAB: Hey, you can catch arrows…you can catch me. So,
what’s it about this time? Dead warlords? Dead barkeeps? Dead
Samurai? Dead Amazons? Dead Olympians? Dead family members? Dead
Valkyries? Dead animals? Dead…
XENA: None of
those.
GAB: What then?
XENA: Icebergs.
GAB:
Exsqueeze me?
XENA: Icebergs! Icebergs! Ya deaf!?
GAB:
Okay, I’ll play. Let’s hear it.
XENA: Well, back when I was
the kind of person I’m not anymore…
GAB: Gawwwd, here it
comes.
XENA: …there was this girl.
GAB: Don't tell
me...lemme guess…Asian?
XENA: Yeah, how’d you
know?
GAB: Stab in the dark. Go on.
XENA: Well, she
was this scientist, ya see. Working on the Arctic Ice Shelf,
y’know…above Jappa? Gauging ice depth…that kind of thing. Her name
was…
GAB: Yeah, yeah, spare me her name… just get on with
it.
XENA: Well, there’s not much to do up in those igloos a
thousand miles from nowhere in sub-zero temperatures other than give
each other tattoos. I mean, there's no eels, no fry pans...and she
wasn’t as good a cook as you anyway..and…
GAB: BY THE
GODS!….just spit it out woman!
XENA: Well, one thing led to
another, things got kinda....
heated ....
y’know…?
GAB: Only too well. Thanks for the sordid image.
What’s all that got to do with you hanging off the stern of this
boat?
XENA: I’m the reason for all these icebergs. Somebody’s
gotta pay the price for global warming.
GAB: (Throwing her
hands in the air.) That’s not right!
XENA: They didn’t ask to be
separated from the mother ice shelf only to die an ignominious
meltdown in the equator. These icebergs MUST BE AVENGED!
GAB:
(Shaking her head in disbelief) That’s
sooooo not right... ..in sooooo many
ways.
Gab grins at Xena and holds out her hand. Xena can’t
help it. She giggles and takes Gab’s hand. Climbing back over the
railing, Xena slips and falls on top of Gab. They squeal with
laughter. A crewman in the crow’s nest hears the ruckus and comes
running.
CREWMAN: Hey, hey! What’s going on here! ? This is a
subtext-free cruise!
GAB: That’s open to interpretation,
isn’t it? C’mon Xena. Let’s find the hot tubs.
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 8/14/01 3:18:04 pm
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MS
Warrior
TX New
Member
Posts: 35
(8/12/01 9:57
am)
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Re: Parody list
two
snort....lol
Warrior
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CJvR
TX Member
Posts: 111
(8/12/01 10:33 am)
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Heh! Well I have
to say...
That it made more sence than FIN did!
Perhaps RT should hire
you for his next vision... Mmm. He could call it tribute to
Waterworld.
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1078
(8/12/01 11:53 am)
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Re: Heh! Well I
have to say...
CJ,
RT admitted in some interview that he hangs over
writer's shoulders more than they like. That gives writers (and RJ
Stewart for FIN) and out, but it's the kiss of death for any writer
who hopes to present their initial vision. I wonder if he would also
admit to a heavier hand than necessary in editing? Especially for
FIN as we are now hearing rumors that there may be items on the
cutting room floor that would have made more sense of it. I'm with
you -- I wouldn't care if Xena died or if Xena and Gab died, as long
as it made sense.
Ironically, I happen to think that some of
the best film out there happens when the writer and director are the
same person (Kasdan, Cameron, Dash, Schrader) because a sense of
coherency is more easily maintained when you don't have the
producer's wife's cousin's poolboy giving notes on a
script.
Sorry - I'm getting carried away again! This is the
parody section after all!
soul
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 8/12/01 10:11:03 pm
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sirach1
TX Member
Posts: 286
(8/13/01 8:18 am)
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Re: Heh! Well I
have to say...
Soulsisters! That is REALLY REALLY good.
Wonder what else
Xena has to atone for? It's ALL Xena's fault!
Very good.
Funny and an excellent commentary at the same time!
Keep up
the good work. 
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CJvR
TX Member
Posts: 117
(8/13/01 9:07 am)
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XWP vs
RotJ
Perhaps Return of the Jedi has been done before,
but:
E-Ppt
Good! Good... now pour in the ashes and
take your place among the living!
XWP
No! Never! Im
guilty! Like my mother before me! I will never return to the
living!
E-Ppt
So be it warrior
princess...
If you will not return... Then you will be
canceled!
Lighting
XWP
Aaargh!
E-Ppt
Young
fool! Only now at the end, you don't
understand!
Lighting
XWP
Aaargh!
E-Ppt
You
will pay the price for you lack of
vision...
Lighting
Lighting
XWP
Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
Gabby,
help me!!!
Gabby
And prevent you from doing the
good, the right thing? No, I care far to much about you for that my
little Pot.
E-Ppt
Now princess... You will be
canceled...
Lighting
Lighting
XWP
Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
Lighting
Lighting
Lighting
Lighting
Return
of the Jedi was originaly intended to be named Revenge of the Jedi
G-L changed it with the motivation the revenge was not a Jedi
concept...
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Solovet
TX New Member
Posts: 71
(8/13/01 9:19 am)
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Re: XWP vs
RotJ
I did Return of the Jedi on another forum a while ago. It's the
scene almost immediately after yours:
Xena: "Gabrielle, help
me take this breastplate off."
Gabrielle: "But you'll
die."
X: "Nothing can stop that now. Just for once, let me
wrap my arms around you without metallic parts in the
way."
[G takes it off. They hug.]
X: "Now...go, my
love. Leave me."
G: "No. You're coming with me. I can't leave
you here. I've got to save you."
X: "You already have,
Gabrielle. You were right about me. Tell Lila. You were
right."
G: "Honey... I won't leave you."
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schiz0id
TX New Member
Posts: 25
(8/13/01 9:52 am)
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Re: XWP vs
RotJ
LOL These parodies are great! Has anyone done "Jaws" yet? I imagine
Xena as a sympathetic shark who sees the bard nude-bathing by
moonlight and hasn't the heart to munch her. 
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1091
(8/13/01 10:02 am)
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Re: XWP vs
RotJ
Go for it, Schiz !!! (and check out "Parody list" for more)
Solovet, can you bring over some of the parodies
from
the other forum, so we can all laugh?
soul
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Solovet
TX New Member
Posts: 73
(8/13/01 2:51 pm)
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XWP vs
Alien
XWP: An Alien ending
(Major spoiler for this
movie.)
[After losing the back of her robe, Gabrielle evicts
the samurai who killed Xena from the mountain by throwing the
chakram at him. Cut to a sober Gabrielle alone on a
boat.]
Gabrielle: "Battling Bard reporting. The other members
of the Xenaverse... Ephiny... Joxer... Amarice... Callisto... and
Xena, Warrior Princess, are all dead. Props and costumes auctioned
off. I should reach the Land of the Pharaos in about six weeks. With
a little luck, another network will pick me up. This is Gabrielle,
last surviving character of Pacific Renaissance... signing off."
[G smiles and picks up a black pot.]
"Come here,
potty."
[G lies down in a hammock on the deck, cradling the
pot, and goes to sleep. Fade to black. Cue elegaic music.]
Edited by: Solovet
at: 8/13/01 2:01:02 pm
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Solovet
TX New Member
Posts: 74
(8/13/01 2:54 pm)
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XWP vs
Terminator 2
XWP: A Terminator 2 ending
(Major spoiler for this
movie.)
[The Austrian-accented Warrior Princess has just won
a fierce fight against Yodoshi and thus redeemed 40k
souls.]
Gabrielle: "It's over"
Warrior Princess: "No -
zere is one more old sin." [Points to her own head.] "And it must be
redeemed alzo. Ah cahnnot zelf-redeem. Ah haf to die."
G:
"No!"
WP: "Ah'm sohry, Gabby."
G: "No! It'll be okay!
Stay with me!"
WP: "Ah mahst go away, Gabby."
G: "No!
Don't do it, don't go!"
WP: "It haz to end here."
G:
[banging her fists on the WP's breastplate] "I order you not to go!
I order you not to go!"
WP: [Caressing G's face] "Ah know now
why yoo cry. But it's something Ah can never doo."
[They
hug.]
WP: "Goodbye."
[G watches sadly as the WP
evaporates in the sunrise. Cut to a view from a boat. We see water
passing by.]
G [voiceover]: "The unknown future rolls toward
us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope. Because if a
warrior princess, a war criminal, can learn the value of lost souls,
maybe we can too."
[Fade to black. Cue Terminator music
theme:
da-da-daah da-da-daah
da-da-daah da-da-daaaah-daaaah
da-da-daah da-da-daah
daaah
da-daaah-daaah
DUDUM DUDUM
DUDUM
DUDUM DUDUM DUDUM]
Edited by: Solovet
at: 8/13/01 2:01:41 pm
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1098
(8/13/01 3:21 pm)
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Re: XWP vs
Terminator 2
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you! hahaha!
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schiz0id
TX New Member
Posts: 29
(8/14/01 9:56 am)
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Re: XWP vs
Terminator 2
LOL!!! The Terminator 2 story was killer funny!
Xena:
The Silence of the
Lambs
-------------------------------
Xena: Tell me,
Gabrielle, what did Ares say to you? Multiple Ares in the next cell,
he hissed at you, what did he say?
Gabs: He said, "I can
smell your boots."
Xena: I see. I myself can not. *sniffs the
air* You wear Evian skin cream and sometimes you wear Le Fish...but
not today.
Gabs: Did you do all those drawings yourself,
Xena?
Xena: Ah, that is Sappho's house as seen from the
bushes. Do you know bushes?
Gabs: All that detail from
memory, Xena?
Xena: Memory, Gabrielle, is what I have instead
of a view.
Gabs: Well perhaps you'd like to lend your 'view'
to my scrolls?
Xena: Oh no no, you were doing well. You had
been courteous and receptive to courtesy. You had established trust
with that embarrassing truth about Ares and now this ham-handed
segue into your scrolls...tsk tsk...it won't do.
Gabs: Well,
I'm only trying to get you to look into them for me
but...
Xena: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate her
liver with some fish and wine! Run away little, Gabby,
runaway!
((A horrified Gabs run screaming from the warrior
princess but not before being douced with ale from a giggling Ares
who is later killed by Xena for that act!)) heehee
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1105
(8/14/01 10:18 am)
Reply
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Re: XWP vs
Terminator 2
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
Schiz ! That was great!!! Do you know bushes!
hahaha!
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schiz0id
TX New Member
Posts: 31
(8/14/01 10:27 am)
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Re: XWP vs
Terminator 2
heehee! Thanks, soulsisters!
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1118
(8/14/01 7:06 pm)
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Re: Parody list
two
XENASSIC PARK
Drs. Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler, the cage
keeper and Mr. John Hammond are outside the Xenalophalus pen. A
steer is being lowered into the murky, foliage covered
cage.
MR. HAMMOND
Ahh , yes. We have the T-Rex, the
Velociraptor, the Triceratops…all the species. But this is my pride
and joy. The Xenalophalus.
DR. GRANT
What are they
doing?
MR. HAMMOND
Hmm? Oh…feeding her.
As the
pulley reaches bottom, a rustling of leaves is heard and the mooing
of the steer becomes desperate. Screeching ensues. The guests crane
their necks to try to witness the feeding frenzy.
CAGE
KEEPER
She should be destroyed!
DR. GRANT
What kind of
metabolism does she have? What’s her growth rate?
CAGE
KEEPER
She was lethal at 8 months! There are others….blonde
ones…but this one. Whew!
DR. GRANT
Fast for a
biped?
CAGE KEEPER
Cheetah speed. 60 mph if she ever got
out in the open. She’s an astonishing jumper. Tough blue leather
hide. And extremely intelligent. She must have amazing communication
skills because she has the others testing the fences for weaknesses.
When she looks at you, you can tell…she’s working things
out.
MR. HAMMOND
Yes, yes, well that’s why we are taking
extreme precautions. Shall we go into lunch?
INSIDE THE
COMPOUND
Sattler, Grant and Hammond are clustered around a dining
table.
DR. GRANT
Mr. Hammond, the laboratory tour was so
impressive. The amount and size of the eggs….well, I’m frankly
astonished at what you’ve accomplished here. But how do you gather
those eggs from the wild with all those dinosaurs running
around?
MR. HAMMOND
We don’t. None of our species can
breed in the wild. Population control is one of our security
precautions. There is no unauthorized breeding in Xenassic park.
DR. GRANT
How do you know they’re not
breeding?
MR. HAMMOND
Because our entire population is
female. We engineer them that way.
DR. GRANT
Wait a
minute. Are you saying this is a subtext friendly park?
MR.
HAMMOND
Absolutely. First one in the world.
DR.
SATTLER
Mr. Hammond. Are you hiring paleobotanists at the
moment?
DR. GRANT
I must tell you Mr. Hammond. I have
grave concerns about the Xenalophalus. How can you know anything
about an extinct species? And therefore how could you ever assume
you could control it? You picked this lethal specie because it looks
good, and….
DR. SATTLER
….and it looks really, really good
by the way …ahm, umm, sorry.
DR. GRANT
This is an
aggressive, living thing that has no idea what century it’s in and
it will defend itself, violently, if necessary.
DR.
SATTLER
Yeah, yeah, but, Mr. Hammond?…about that job?
DR.
GRANT
Now wait a minute! Xenalophalus and man – two species
separated by 2000 years of evolution have just been thrust back into
the mix together. How can we possibly have the slightest idea of
what to expect?
The compound sirens go off. The group winces
at another, louder, incredible
sound.
YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI
The
Xenalophalus crashes through the dining room wall, scoops up Ellie
Sattler, jumps an incredible 30 feet out the third story window and
sprints into the forest.
A MOONLIT CAMPFIRE
Dr.
Sattler stokes a fire under a frying
pan.
XENALOPHALUS
Didja get the eggs?
Dr. Sattler
pulls a half dozen dinosaur eggs out of her backpack.
DR.
SATTLER
Right here, sweetie. Should we start with the T-Rex?
Edited by: soulsisters
at: 8/15/01 1:49:36 pm
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soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1237
(8/22/01 8:08 pm)
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Re: Parody list
two
bump
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Runt
TX Member
Posts: 220
(8/22/01 8:38 pm)
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Re: Parody list
two
If movies were re-made with Xena in the lead, what would they
become? Here's some starters:
Four Weddings and a Funeral=
Four Warlords and a Bard
Men in Black= Women in
Leather
Pulp Fiction= Beaten to a Pulp
Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon= Crunching Warrior, Hidden Scrolls
Dude,
Where's My Car= Bard, Where's My Head? (Sorry, had to get a FIN joke
in there!)
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antony
girl
TX New
Member
Posts: 60
(8/22/01 8:39
pm)
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|
Re: Parody list
two
[Gasping, trying to catch breath after laughing so hard.] These are
all so funny! Great job, everyone! ...subtext-friendly
park...icebergs...Multiple
Ares...
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LadyKate63
TX Member
Posts: 372
(8/22/01 8:56 pm)
Reply
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Re: Parody list
two
Soulsisters, that is TERRIFIC! "Those icebergs must be avenged..."
BATTLE ON XENA!
THERE'S ALWAYS FAN FICTION!
LadyKate's
stories at the Ares Halls of War Website |
soulsisters
TX Member
Posts: 1238
(8/22/01 9:14 pm)
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Re: Parody list
two
Okay Runt!
The Last Temptation of Christ -- The Last
Temptation of Xena
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle -- The Bard
that Spoons the Ladle
Out of Africa -- Out of
Amphipolis
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea -- 20,000 Souls
Atomically Pureed
Educating Rita -- Educating
Gab
Hey sirach!! Where the hellarya!?
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Talking
Xena