Make like a can of pineapple and get open

"It is better to receive injury than to do injury."
Marcus Tulius Cicero

The house was quiet and empty. I went down into my room and wrote down 11 wishes and then sat on my bed feeling a little sad, but I wasn’t sure what I was sad about exactly. I wish I could get away from everything and everyone for a month. Maybe I’d go to Europe or South America…

I don’t know what to do or if I need to do anything. I have a lot of homework though, so at least I know I have to do that. I have to save up money for my mom’s present.

Blah. I wish it was a year from now… but not really. I don’t know what I really wish except that I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I wouldn't cry every week, I'd take every other week.

My goal for this week is to not feel guilty

Waa waaaa

You're enjoying your day, everything's gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, please."
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!

Love Junkie

I really was planning on going to bed; I was just going to watch my four favorite scenes from Moulin Rouge and then brush my teeth.

Next thing you know I realize I’ve spent the past three hours on the couch watching romance films from the mid 90’s and eating slices of peanut butter toast. This seems to happen once or twice a year, and it always involves Sleepless in Seattle. The other movie this time was one I hadn’t seen: When Harry Met Sally. Two thumbs up!

My top romance movies so far (not in order):
Sleepless in Seattle
Ghost
Princess Bride
Pretty Woman
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Moulin Rouge
As Good as it Gets
Pretty Woman
My Best Friends Wedding
Dirty Dancing
Phantom of the Opera (in a weird way)
When Harry Met Sally

I heart Fraggle Rock

Gobo: First up to get the mail, now out to the Gorgs' garden... It's turning out to be a dangerous day.
Wembley: Yeah, but we love it, don't we, Gobo?
Gobo: Well, to tell you the truth, Wembley, sometimes I get sick of it.
Wembley: Yeah, me too.
Gobo: ... You sure do like to agree with a person.
Wembley: Oh, I gotta agree with that! Heh heh!

A big Understatement

I feel so outside the window, as though looking through the glass at my body longing to get out into the sapphire sky. I am staring at my brown Converse, wondering if I tap them together enough if they will take me home. That doesn’t seem to be working. Jenny is barking the names of people, demanding they spew out some ideas to a club that’s feathers are too wet or non-existent to get off the ground. In the back of my mind I know I have hope it is only a phoenix, reborn from the flames.

I feel myself put on my backpack and stand, my mouth moves but all I concentrate on is the faces of Bridget, Diana, and Andy. I am walking towards the door, only to look back once and mutter some excuse. As I start to move away I realize I have a tear in each I. I walk until I know they cannot see me, and break into a run.

The burning in my legs feels so good; it is the feeling manifested into actions, like an artist’s favorite creation: a true window into a soul, yet largely misinterpreted to something more than what it was. The dryness in my throat is only the words I had choked back all afternoon.

Once I have calmed down and reached the quiet backstreets, only then do I feel a slight tinge of shame. But this is soon replaced by the all too common struggle to determine how much I should feel bad about the whole thing. Against my own loathing for the term, I slow my pace, shrug and say to the squirrels: “Meh.”

Sunshine Sighs

I found a large difference between myself and Bridget and Diana. I like to be home. I like just… doing nothing. Or I like hanging in my room reading, talking to various members of the family, cleaning, chilling, writing, and finishing all my homework. They like (well at least Bridget) to be anywhere but home. Doing stuff on school nights is cool maybe once a week (seeing as I already have all that other stuff to do after school) but still… I feel different in that way. Home is the best place for sure!

Anyway, this past month I’ve come to find out I’m a pretty crappy friend (news to me!) and that I’m “totally oblivious” to everything. Well, that’s why God gave us a mouth, tongue, lips, and vocal cords. Or hands... and pens… and computers. Most everyone else says I’m doing well though… and other friends don’t seem to make such a big deal of things... we just hang whenever. I feel guilty and depressed about things I do now.

Nothing more to say?

Sara: How are you this evening, Cody?
Cody: Meh.

Sara: Anyway, how are you?
Bridget: Meh.
Sara: Looking forward to the chem test?
Bridget: Meh.

*ring ring ring*
Sara: Hello?
Jessica: Hey. Happy ‘V’ day.
Sara: How are you? How was Valentine’s day?
Jessica: Meh.

Meh:

Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care; "a verbal shrug". A universal, non-committal answer to every question ever posed. Pronounced shortly, usually without eye contact or body movement.

The word was first made popular by Carl on the Simpsons.

"Hey, you coming over to go see what Moe's done with his place? I hear it's great!"
"Meh..."

See Also: "bleh", "dah", and "mrr"..

So I'm crusing down 99 with my "Songs for High-Speed Ocean Shore Driving, and Some to Play while Being Chased by Hicks" CD (made it myself!) with one hand on the wheel and the other in my mouth, sucking two of my fingers which have lost curculation. There's a red light ahead, so I start to slow down, but it turns green before I reach it. Then some dumb ashed person decides to run a red light and I stomp on my breaks just in time! Stupid Clackamas hicks.

Well, I finally reach church only to find out there is no Youth Group tonight! But it's not like I can just drive right on home, what with this great driving music playing and it being such a clear night, so I take the fastest route. And by that I don't mean the shortest, I mean the route in which it is legal to drive the fastest. Woohoo!

In other news, I'm headed in to the 'ol Dollar Tree tomorrow morning to talk with "Mr. Mitchell" about getting a job there. I sure hope he's a relative of my second cousins, the Mitchells, because then I could probably get hired a lot easier. Well, I can't say for sure, but he is pretty tall.

I have gotten pretty good at driving the stick shift (or "manual" as some call it). It's totally a blast to drive, and I can't wait to take it out without pealing out!

All in all: I heart Max on Valentine's Day.

Nothing Much

Hey look, I'm not weighed down
As I walk through
The glowing wheat fields churning on the ground
As all the ravens fly away
They leave nothing
But the sun and endless blue day

I always knew I felt this way
But couldn't find the time to say
To myself I've got to let it go
Through all the joy and all the pain
With the drought and the rain
The honest truth is all I want to know

Let it fall
Let go

My kingdom's walls have fallen down
But I know that
I don't wear an undeserved crown
And though it seemed to fit me well
Underneath it
I would certainly fall down

Last summer we left things unsaid
That should be now a long time dead
And now it seems that time has put it well
The words can chase away a friend
But to a lie they'll bring an end
And throw it down the darkest, deepest well

Let it fall
Let go

Let it fall
Let go

While struggling with my ambition to be “better” and more patient, I am slipping back down to the worst: annoyance, haste, and dislike. There are a lot of people who wouldn’t blame me for feeling that way, but that doesn’t make the situation any better. I am waiting for others to voice their problems, and awfully tired of their expectations that I am some sort of mind reader. I’m not oblivious; I just… don’t want to get involved. There is a dread in me that comes from the past, from seemingly innocent questions bringing up detestation and annoyance, which just leaves me more out of it.

So I sit and wait, hanging around hoping people will express their troubles instead of getting mad at me for not doing something about something I didn’t know about. In a word: sigh.

Youth Retreat!

See photos!

This weekend I went to the Catholic Youth Conference at Seaside. We had a really great crowd of 15; all regulars from youth group except for two. The beach house we stayed in was totally awesome and very random, and the stuffiness (Which was its only downfall) could easily be replaced by fresh sea air. I wished it was about 30 degrees warmer though!

I shared a bed with Amy, and we had fun talking about stuff like kennel cough, “camping,” and random things. I got about 4 hours of sleep the first night... ah well!

As far as the actual conference… well, it was a typical one I guess. The speakers were okay; it didn’t drag on too long, but there was this one lady in a wheelchair that talked and talked and talked for three hours! It was made worse by her frequent outbursts into song (fortunately she could sing). Anyway, that sort of made me a bit crazy…

Saturday night was pretty cool. A typical catholic gathering: food, drink, reconciliation, trivia (Me, Nick, and Derek – aka “Happy Hands Club Team” made it all the way to the top!!), blow up play things, and a dance! Haha, the dance was, um, slightly uncatholic? We all decided this one girl from our group, Yuli, should have gone to reconciliation afterwards! But it was totally rock’n and the DJ played hard techno for the last 40 minutes.

Then we all got mini strobe lights and prayed/sang for a while.

Got back, watched some Napoleon Dynamite, ate food, talked more with Amy, and then had a good sleep!

Mass was cool because the Archbishop of Portland “ran” it. He seems like a really cool guy.

So fun times, although I was glad to be off home again. And then Cody got mad at me and I was sad.

Gymnopedie No 1

I felt no emotion at first, just a strange tension in the face muscles that slowly made its way down towards my stomach, where it then formed a deep, cold pool of pure nostalgic.

Then, there were so many feelings at once, I just sat silence in confusion. Suddenly, I missed my sister.

I had never been one to fear time, as my liking for change and aptitude for boredom left that fear out of the question. No, I did not fear change; instead I detested those unwilling to face it, reluctant to embrace it.

Those had been steadily weighing me down, clinging to my legs as I tried to run with the times.

Although I am tempted to say “today was crap,” it really wasn’t. Today was a day when change was embraced, and the sunshine was quite lovely.