Tell me You're Joking

Rarr, and so on

Most of the time I really don't mind being single. I have friends and enough things to do to keep me occupied enough, even though there's always those stupid little dramas going on. But sometimes I'll just be sitting around and suddenly remember how nice kissing was or just sitting with someone's arms around me. Then I feel lonely.

I'm not really attracted to anyone at the moment, and those that I might be I tell myself not to try anything. After all, it'll end in August either way when I go off to college.

Things

I’m at an odd stage in my life. I’m over Max in the sense that, though I still really enjoy his company as a friend, I have no thoughts or desires of getting back together with him. I enjoy the company of boys, but I have no yearning or need to have one as my boyfriend. Sure, I sort of miss kissing, having someone always there and not feeling bitter about relationships, but at the moment I wouldn’t trade in my self assurance to have those back.

I have to make too many decisions life right now to include someone else in my life in that way. I can’t get too tied down.

Sometimes I get so sick of living here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Oregon, but the people can drive me absolutely insane! In a strange way, I’m looking forward to not seeing some of the people close to me for a while. I think we all have a lot of growing up to do, and we’re going to need to go out on our own if we want to mature. It will be interesting to come back and see them all this time next year.

As much as I love drama, I have started to notice more and more things that I don’t like about the department as the years go by. I guess I just feel this way because of all the stuff happening with Monster. First they change the show, now the directors, now they tell Grace and Elizabeth they can’t assistant direct… I just don’t know. And Quinn makes Bridget do way too much, but if I say something about her not being able to handle it she gets defensive. Or she agrees that she has a billion things going on at once (I know I wouldn’t be able to function if I had her work load). To be honest, I’m pretty worried. Neither Bridget nor Tasha have ever been in a Children’s show as an actress, neither have been assistant directors and neither have been techies. I know Bridget knows her stuff when it comes to lighting, and she’s smart enough to figure the basics out.. but nothing beats actually being a part of a show from beginning to end. Ah well. If they need help I will gladly be there. At least Bridget will get some experience for Jungle Book. I’m so excited for that show! Hopefully Lewis and her make a good team; Lewis can be somewhat controlling… and he hasn’t been in a children’s show since freshman year.

Oh well. Everything will work out. Jason said he was going to talk to Quinn about him taking away the assistant directors, that would be cool.

Meanwhile, I have Wizard of Oz to worry about. Actually, I don’t really worry about it. Diana, Keith and Jennifer are so awesome and I’m learning a lot about myself and how to lead people during the process.

Sigh

When you ask how I've been here without you
I like to say I'm doing fine, and I do
But we both know the truth is hard to come by
and if I told the truth, that's not quite true

I dunno.

I Don't Like This

There are things that drift away, like our endless numbered days,
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made...

So far senior year has been habitually lame over all.

I don’t know what to do when it comes to college and all of that. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about Max. I don’t want a boyfriend but I don’t know why that is; I am afraid things won’t work. I’m afraid I don’t really want to get back together with Max but that I don’t want him to go away. I tell myself he wouldn’t take me back anyway, and he shouldn’t even if he wanted to because I’ll probably just ruin it all over again.

Sometimes it feels like I don’t really have a best friend any more. I have good days but they’re over powered by days when I’m constantly worried I’ll do something wrong.

That’s why I keep thinking I should just move far away to Bozeman . Why can’t I stop thinking about marrying Max? I think I’m going crazy.

Ba-ba-baba

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do, no where to go, oh
I wanna be sedated

Just get me to the airport, put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry, before I go insane
I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do, no where to go, oh
I wanna be sedated

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry, before I go insane
I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do, no where to go, oh
I wanna be sedated

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry, before I go loco
I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do, no where to go, oh
I wanna be sedated

Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I wanna be sedated