The woman at the wheel:))

THE BOOK OF SEXUAL REVELATIONS

(Alexey Vinogradov, the journalist, conducted ten years a marriage heading in the newspaper)

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-3-УСПЕТЬ BEFORE WEDDING

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

... Let's try understand, why every third young man so long does not dare to marry. So paternal they with such persistence cling to man's freedom? All is simple - they wish to be developed with different women. But one business of it to wish and to be engaged in it, and the another matter - something is vain to wait every day. These men just also are not philanderers whom it is tasty look after at once with several women, is faster, on the contrary, in practice at them quite respectable and boring life turns out. It only in thoughts they submit one skirt for another, it seems to them, that such sexual happiness is still possible, it is already close, fast from beauties it will not be simple a release. They therefore also do not marry, that a family not to connect the hands for such sweet debauchery.

As one 28-year-old young man has fairly written to the newspaper in the love affair: "... From each disco, from each party, from each trip to holiday, and I am simple from any casual acquaintance I wait something enchanting. But more often I aimlessly wander in the evening on streets of a native city and I look in persons to passing girls. All is represented, that I just about will dare to tell to the stranger any liberty, and one of these is tasty smelling maidens will scatter at me on a room the lacy rags this night. And I go circles on streets and I rustle in a pocket with condoms. For last ten years it is possible to find room for all my love affairs in couple of weeks. For some reason any does not give to me".

Unfortunately, every third today's young man conducts such compassionate sexual life and protects freedom for the sake of rare and primitive sexual communications: 1 time in 3 months. Well, on line it, it is asked, such freedom?

It instead of conducting a fair man's life with one wife and one mistress. But to dissuade this not daring part of a man's tribe not so and it is simple. The matter is that to such gloomy life they are doomed the attention by women. They all the same give them a love droplet as to potential grooms, here they and wait for sex at once from all women. But without marriage with them to sleep almost do not want. If the girl simply would like to take a walk with someone she hardly will choose to herself the man from this valenkoobraznogo a tribe - she will spend night with more temperamental predator.

These slightly stale holostjachki the main consumers of pornographic magazines and videocassettes, they are capable to go hours on streets behind the bared female legs, but and not to ask their phone number. In real sex they are often helpless, close to an impotence floor, very much zatsikleny on the sexual friend which sizes constantly try to inform in the announcements - to me bothers to delete these pity centimetres. Well, you will think, 16-18 sm in the raised condition. Has found, than, the pancake to brag. Yes that less than a table spoon, even in a man's bath is a shame to swing.

And here in the love affairs these holostjachki look simply sexual supermen. The same sexual scene flows from one letter in another: "... It at me became firmer than a steel, and has entered into it, as in oil...". They it is obvious from the culinary book wrote off. Still such men like to describe the casual communications in trains and on resorts. In the car more often they sleep in the beginning with one, and then in platform with other young woman. Descriptions primitive enough: the same steel with oil, but accompanied by inhuman groans. Then he ostensibly says goodbye to them at station and never them any more does not see. Yes any normal man if it from someone a smog squeeze out such voluptuous groans (and any normal woman - if it so has loudly shouted), for what would not leave with each other. They would be together - while it so is sweet was peeped. But story-tellers are not able to say lies, because at them it never was and never will be.

Usually for 10-15 years these young stale holostjachki have time to oversleep only 5-20 girls and women, but the most ridiculous - that and a half from the mistresses of all one time, and with the others - not much more often. They are too cautious with women to achieve from them bright victories.

By 29-34 years these bachelors dare to say goodbye to freedom. They do it ineptly and quite often marry very imperious and whimsical women (to these weddings megerki itself conduct tenderly). In marriage former stale holostjachki are usually happy, but long years of a celibacy leave an indelible print in character, it is felt even by their wives who especially strongly him change.

If I was asked today council at once by all bachelors of 25-35 years I would advise all of them one and too: if you wish to be free and cheerful - marry, and if you wish to dream still about "a steel with oil" - that, of course, to be engaged in it alone better.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-4-ETERNAL GROOMS

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

... Let's try understand, why some young men so long do not dare to marry. It is possible to carry to eternal grooms conditionally every third single man from 18 till 75 years. Because of age, it is very different people, but unites their maniacal desire to find the ideal wife.

Well, till 30 years it somehow is still clear. It is still believed, that it is possible to find to itself simultaneously beautiful and clever little girl, decent and sexual, still and rich.... Moreover it should (all completely) is pleasant to parents of the groom. Often in eternal grooms just mother's sonnies - very well-groomed, knowing to themselves such high price for which anybody and never will buy them also get. Mummies from such sonnies in full delight. In the beginning they preserve them against any slanting maiden vzgljadika, and in some years start to search for the son of potential brides, nearly not enclosing their son under a pillow.

I till 30 years learn eternal grooms even on gait, on handwriting in the letter, on a pompous photo. At once it is visible - itself also to ten little girls for this time a little bit blood never marries will impair a little. Very much such guys correct. They even are engaged in sex with self-respect. For them and marriage announcements in the newspaper their mummies and love affairs for them submit write. It from one of these careful mummies I (as the leader of a marriage heading) has somehow received the terrible letter in which she damned herself that prevented synule to walk with girls. Unfortunate mother zastukala the child behind sexual actions with own doggie, and with horror has learnt, that its adult sonny was engaged in it some years. The dog so has had time to get used, that it was necessary to lull her. This example is not casual, such letters set: as at quiet house guys because of sexual abstention for ever there left a roof.

After 30 years eternal grooms pass any invisible line when at them gradually starts to die off sexuality, but there is a desire to marry even more. For them the family happiness is drawn by not so mad love to the young wife, and a standard family set: a cosiness and cleanliness in the house, an order on kitchen and in kastrjulkah, tidy and pure clothes. In it dying for sex the muzhik, the future spouse starts to resemble on polomoechnyj a kitchen combine more and more.

And mums of these matured eternal grooms already from a skin climb, that their sons if only married. It buy separate apartments and permits on resorts, for them invite all sat up brides of the whole microdistrict. But even absolutely lonely and unfortunate girl not always wishes to marry for a valenok and all life to work on it as the second mum.

I before a writing of this material have selectively read some tens love barchelor adventures. It is a pity, that I cannot result here many citations which visually would show strangeness and abnormality man's nezhenatosti after 30 years. One bachelor, for example, describes what it decent, and there and then blabs out, that collects female skirts of 44th size. At it in a case the whole collection - pieces twenty. But it not blue, it simply has already gone on this business. Other bachelor has written to me for seven years about 30 letters in which described surprising sexual adventures with stars of the Russian platform: has spared nobody - with all has overslept. However, already half a year from it is not present letters - probably, behind it have already arrived by the white car with a pink cross. I even answered it two times his letters - warned, that is fast behind it will arrive, if he urgently does not marry.

And how many I for these years have received letters from so-called "trjasunov". In the overwhelming majority it is single men of 28-40 years who shake before women the bared advantages. They make it in the street, before windows of schools, houses, hospitals and even children's gardens. They and in letters under announcements send to women such muck. And what delirium thus write.

Bachelors at all do not understand: how much they are ridiculous, after all the unmarried man is even somehow shamefully. Something to anybody unnecessary. It something unjustly proud in dirty socks and in badly stroked shirts. Well, I understand - there are unmarried women, it is bad, but is still normal. After all when half of muzhiks have changed a life for vodka on all women of husbands, naturally, will not suffice. But the single man - what for? That it was easier to walk with several women. But all know for a long time, that in it are engaged, basically, married men. At them it lovchej turns out.

So I, as the leader of a marriage heading, simply suspect, that at the majority of single men simply small problems with pipiskami, here they and powder with all brains - that it freedom is important.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-5-HOW TO LAY THE GIRL?

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

... Let's try understand, it is the most easier to tempt with what way the girl.

Already almost eight years I read your love affairs, which readers send to my newspaper, and on them gradually I systematise various techniques of a seducing of girls. At me some separate sexual schools already were defined. It is time to share with our readers this rich material.

School "HEY". It is the most unpretentious and most national school. It is hail school: "Hey, the girl, you where go". And further offers follow to spend, drink or at once to oversleep. This school since the childhood 90 percent of the man's population own, therefore we will not stop on its detailed analysis. Usually every fifth girl is easily given on school "HEY" already in the first evening.

School "УХ". It already more perfect technique of a seducing. It is sight school on which successfully dressed guy meets a sight of the stranger and pleasantly to it smiles. UH, what guy! If the girl answers with a smile, it means, not against school "УХ", and she recognised in you the standing guy. This girl already waits from you for the invitation to evening appointment. Further the guy can, on a choice, or continue to tempt within two weeks her on school "УХ" or the same evening to sin with it by means of school "HEY".

School "OH". For this purpose the guy instantly simulates romantic love at first sight. It is school of qualitative idle talk: it throws the stranger pure compliments and ridiculous histories. Day, evening and night merge for the girl in one fine whole. On school "OH" the first morning lovers already meet in a bed. OH, I all yours! It is sexual school very dangerous to female soul, but, fortunately, qualitatively it units of men which open the maiden hearts as cans own only.

And if to tell about same it is serious. That difficult at acquaintance to the girl is to approach and start talking to it. The main thing, thus not to be afraid of refusal because only the abnormal girl will easily agree to go somewhere with the unfamiliar guy. It is necessary to surprise her with something: either a grandiloquent phrase, or a successful joke, or the unexpected offer. Eventually, she will agree, because in each normal girl the abnormal girl necessary to you dozes.

At the first o'clock of your acquaintance you should not ask anything the girl, except, of course, her name. You should speak, speak, speak, not giving it to come round and change the mind. Having heard from you the whole hour of interesting histories, she too will want to tell about the. Here her do not interrupt. Let it then retells to you the amusing cases from a kindergarten and school. It is necessary not to stir and assent only in the necessary place.

Remember, if the girl has told to you, for example, as she stayed last summer with the grandmother is already half your girl.

In some hours the girl all the same will pass to a love theme, will tell about itself something excellently sad, beautiful and romantic. For God's sake, only do not prevent to say lies to it about it. Having reached till the most tragical moment, the girl will start to tell slightly trembled voice. Do not miss this moment, regret it, embrace, press, kiss on hair - only not in lips (let and further gnaws the of "Orbits"). If the girl correctly reacts to your tenderness and understanding from next day she already will fall in love with you - the main thing not to dismiss a hand from first evening. You will have time to dismiss them still.

Spend all second day for interesting walk from the new acquaintance. Reduce it, for example, on the nature, but bypass any bushes. It is necessary to suffer a little with it as any your sexual haste there and then will be noticed by it - "It same as everything, it needs from me only it".

In the third day - be sad and do not speak to it why. She will ask, it all will burn down with curiosity, she even will a little take offence. Wait darkness and tell about itself any very tragical history. She should regret you - only so in them women wake up. Allow it to embrace, stroke itself on a head, to nestle breast edge on your shoulder. Answer it with one long man's kiss. But only one also will take it home.

For the fourth day you should think over, as well as where you it should drop or lean. Let you are not confused with any conditions. The girl with the favourite guy can do it everywhere, and with unloved - only in good conditions.

And further it is easy - half an hour of hot kisses, and happiness at any fence.

I would name this technique school "AH" because last thirty years under this scheme tempt all good, modest and house girls. AH, what I the silly woman, that to it has believed! Here for this purpose I also write so in detail about school "AH" that fair girls too were familiar with this artful way of a seducing and strong held the maiden defence.

As to other sexual schools I, perhaps, would add pair of words about school "OH". This typical diskotechnaja school - OH, oh, oh - with whom I will go home! It differs from school "HEY" only a place of initial acquaintance. On school "OH" it is necessary to go only to see off the girl, and then to dismiss hands to the earth.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-6-VISIONARIES

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

Ten years I read love affairs of readers of a marriage heading and I observe, how at provincial men and women new sights at sex technics are gradually formed. If in the fifties the Soviet century even simple revolution of the partner from a back on a tummy at every second pair was considered as debauchery top, and for normal oral sex could expel from Komsomol. Well, apparently, today already you will surprise nobody with the most colourful love poses, but the intricate enamoured continue to surprise the leader of a marriage heading all with new sexual imaginations.

With continuations all most anxious readers helped me to write this multiseries erotic thriller practically. But do not wait here from me for naturalistic stories about mad passion. You and can read these silly and primitive descriptions of sexual entertainments in any yellow newspaper. I, as the leader of a marriage heading, always struggled for that in sex accepted feasible participation and a head. With it love relations always turn out is more tasty.

So we will begin from the very beginning. I remember, how seven years ago one of our readers the first has shy suggested to have sex in the announcement in unusual places. And in couple of years our marriage heading spent comic questioning on this theme - so I thoroughly know, why people at times pulls to try it even on a chandelier. And even it not a fairy tale therefore in 1996 the young pair has sent to me two photos that I have helped them to get to the book of world records. They beat two years and again dropped an old metal chandelier in the house? 7 along the street Metallurgists of a city of Cherepovets of the Vologda area while at them it has not turned out to hang on it together. I saw these photos and I confirm - Russian people can do it even on a chandelier. Though, judging by the deformed persons of this inventive pair, is not the best place for love relations.

At the simple inhabitant inquiries are, of course, much more modest. Usually they are engaged so-called fortochnym in sex: he tries, and she during this moment looks out in a window on passing passers-by. And if thus the pair is drunk, it can even shout something at street or swing the bared top delights. I do not think, that we should accuse somehow (already practically every fifth pair) of this small and innocent fortochnom a sin. If it is to steam in addition gets, if it is somehow capable to update bored matrimonial relations (that too promotes strengthening of a family and reduction of number of divorces) let they, on health, are put out thus in a window. But I without any irony advise on the top floors just in case to adhere a foot of the partner to the central heating battery. It will not prevent, as the woman always a little a birdie.

For eight years to me so have much written love affairs about sexual relations in lifts, that this place seems to me already quite national. I will not be mistaken, if I will tell, that every second married couple at the age of 30-35 years though just once being drunk tries it to do in the driving lift. It even not to describe more in detail because the human imagination in the lift is very limited by a ceiling and the scratched walls. Usually it rests the person against buttons, and it triumphs behind. Zastukivajut thus almost each pair. If zastukivaet the young man or the woman involuntary witnesses thus apologise. And if any grandmother she starts so to shout comes across such disgrace as if she participates in it.

Also that is interesting, about it write practically all tried in the lift, this sensation possible "zastuka" so raises, that at a married couple the second honeymoon which 2-3 years last begins. Already it seems to me, that during our heavy financial time young get the second child only after such adventure in the lift.

About entrances here anything good to add it is impossible. This place for bomzhih and slightly frozen youth because those and others fidget thus in the same stubs and spittles. It is impossible to name a romantic place and street shops, cellars and attics. Much more pleasantly simply to run about on bushes, but in it what imagination - our ancestors ten thousand years ago this way have thought up. So on the earth remains not so many places for this employment, here the people and get into the water.

This classical description of love affair at any river anchor buoy I read hundreds times. I generally doubt, that it is possible to do it on the big depth when it should creep constantly on an anchor buoy, and it all time should creep after it. Children from such way usually are not got. It is much more convenient to do it on depth "on a neck". It simply costs, and it floats. Here therefore we, likely, also name them more often small fishes. Though during this moment they are more similar to the big frogs who, slightly choking, and croak somehow very similar. I think, as at fantastic Ivan Tsarevicha with the Tsarevna the Frog dobrachnyj sex was direct on a bog.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-7-ZHENATIKI

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

... Let's try understand, as well as why married men walk. Already almost eight years I observe, how married men write the announcements in "Courier" and fall asleep letters of women. About fifty years ago in Russian national language there was this exact definition of married men which have not lost interest to all other women in marriage. It - zhenatiki, also is kind draznilka.

Today already practically does not remain lonely women who with a bias concern the novel with the married man. This old error, that this most can break a family. This lonely female nobleness on an empty place, after all if it with you will "not break" the family it will "break" it with other woman. In it all disgusting man's essence from which it is possible to struggle only in one way - to tear off to it all with a root. But with the torn off affairs of the man are not so necessary even to the wife - here therefore so seldom tear off.

It is necessary to understand the most important thing at once. After all when the lonely man gets the constant mistress it this most gets the potential wife. And here when the married man has a constant mistress it gradually starts to concern it as to the second wife. In such double marriage today there lives every third man. An inequality of these two wives, of course, obviously. The first still has the most part of the man's salary, and the second gets the most gentle part of man's attention.

It dvoezhenstvo is legalised in Russia already only by that every third man - the impotent man from vodka, and every second - the impotent man on wages. This deficiency of the sexual and normally provided men in itself reforms Russian families in which every year more and more tolerantly concern changes of the husband, and mistresses so get used, that any more do not feel ushcherbnost the unstable position. Today's second wives already very strong keep for the coming husbands and more and more safely get from them children. And if the impoverishment of Russians is and further so to proceed we still will live to legalised by the state troezhenstva when the quantity of wives at normal Russian will be defined not only sexual desires, but possibilities to support two or three families.

And now we will talk to you not about constant mistresses (the second wives), and about valid disgraceful behaviour of some married men. These restaurant and saunskie acquaintances to almost obligatory gonorrhea - for the house, for a family. I do not understand the mutton pleasure of separate married men which hardly having filled in with eye vodka already remove in the street young little girls. And after all with a drunk and unfamiliar muzzle the normal girl will not go anywhere, therefore gone on a spree it is necessary to sleep with whom has got. Any more not speaking about ostensibly pure sex firms, girls from which pass through themselves thousand dirty muzhiks. Yes after the fifth for a day this doubtful beauty any more one bleaching powder not to wash. It any more the girl, and the live rubber woman from a sex shop. That's it families and if the married man and presses any very young working woman from it will be to nobody of harm to a desktop or the machine tool really suffer from such deep debauchery. But only advantage - though a dust from the machine tool will rub off.

As through the newspaper married men get acquainted with the future mistresses. This very difficult action approximately under one scheme. In the beginning the married beginner writes to the newspaper the first - the most repugnant announcement that wants at once with two or still what muck. Well to it, naturally, nobody will answer. Then he writes the second - more modest announcement, but with dissolute details. It to it is answered with something dissolute, it meets this woman, is frightened, escapes and writes the third announcement in which already writes shortly "for intimate meetings, with a place or without, with harmonous or not so...". Here here to it and gradually starts to carry with women if he high, is not more senior 50 years, is not more younger 30, and not more low 175.

Only occasionally announcements come to the newspaper from bright and hazardous lovers who seldom list the man's advantages, will simply write any easy liberty - such women simply adore. I have for ever remembered the champion by quantity of the female letters which have come on its announcement. And this muzhik almost also has not written anything, but only that sits slightly unshaven, slightly rumpled, slightly sad - but without problems. Its grief have wanted to dispel more than two hundred women.

And how often married men leave from wives and marry mistresses? Judging by your love affairs, very seldom. After all, as a rule, the man leaves from the first wife not for the sake of other woman, but only for the sake of itself. Men in general do all for the sake of themselves.

Still it would be desirable to tell about age preference of married men. If till 25 years zhenatiki walk only with 16-18-летними little girls, more nobody gives to them, with 26 till 30 years they already manage to tempt and the coevals. Only after 30 years the married man starts to live with all female age, and the peak of sexual adventures is necessary for 40 years.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S ТАЙНЫ-8-WORKING PETTY INTRIGUES

These are memoirs of leading (man) of a marriage heading in the newspaper which more disappeared than ten years under a pseudonym "Nastenka Asfaltova"

... Reading love affairs of readers for a marriage heading of our newspaper where they describe the office novels, I gradually became skilled intrizhkovedom so has come it is time to bring some results on these reader's revelations.

At once I will notice, that office novels have in large quantities come to Russia only after 1917 are purely western forms of behaviour in a society. In pre-revolutionary Russia it was not accepted to get novels in working hours because Russian then were engaged in it only after work. Today with office novels in Russia already you will surprise is nobody became mass public skrashivaniem working everyday life.

We will not discuss today with you here the relation of the chief and the secretary is already hackneyed theme, we will talk about love between the equal.

Let's begin with young and unmarried twenty years' girls. Still about thirty years ago the then green tribe fondly believed, that the novel on work with the married man can lead to divorce with the first family and to new happy wedding. Today's young girls already look at working novels with married colleagues more really. For them the married lover is an original safe sex-trenazhor on which they perfect different sex features for the future marriage. It is very convenient, after all the married man-colleague always under supervision - on work grazes it the mistress, and houses - the wife. So it has no time to skip on other girls and to cling from them a different infection. And usually zhenatiki keep mum about the petty intrigues.

Is, of course, in these communications and the romantic party. Very beautiful and long rapprochements, it is possible not hurrying up to look after in working hours the future girl-friend within several months: small florets, inexpensive presents, casual contacts of fingers, palms, hands, shoulders, well and than there on work it is possible to be hooked involuntarily. All these romantic trifles should confuse the most young girls, in each of which if it is good to dig, not woken woman sits inside yet. And usually for the first time start to dig and awake directly on a desktop. Men in the love affairs describe it from the point of view of man's egoism - "... I it so am class on pieces of paper poelozil..." And girls about same most write very beautifully. Here, for example, "... I have absolutely lost a head and have conceded to it. I never thought, that this animal sex on a table with the beloved can such be delightful the fine..." . So they usually describe the first working meetings, but then "... I have understood, that it is not enough for it I mean, and our sex on corners began me to bother rather". And it too is quite explainable, because even bright table (it is less extended on a chair) sex gradually becomes boring and already each normal girl would like same on a bed. To me love affair of the 22-year-old girl which with the forty-year lover has chosen in the beginning the first chair under this business, then the second, the third was remembered..., because everyone maintained such loading only once. It at them has turned to the whole novel under the working name of "19 chairs" (more in office was not). After each chair this romantic girl waited from the lover, that it will find for this purpose more suitable place, but and has not waited. "... Our love has burst under this last 19 chair".

Working novels for thirty-year women it already something another. For married is quite clear discharge from the house and kitchen. Usually on work they dozhimajut before sex the attracted man. At all of them it is similar to a telecast "I": itself will create for this purpose a situation, itself will undress - itself will dress. All. It (as one of them has written in the love affair) "sex with widely open eyes when love absolutely stirs nothing, except suddenly opened doors and the semilowered clothes..." And she writes: "... That when to our petty intrigue it was executed five years, I have understood, that it is simply my second husband and I even have wanted to get from it the child..." And there and then it describes a matchless case: " ... Once, in the first month of our working meetings, we remained with it after work one and, suddenly, its friend comes into the most improper moment behind it from the next department. I (in what remained) I suffice the clothes and I climb under a table, and it sits with the friend almost on the next table and tries to show the door it. And it not and is simple: at the friend birthday and it has come not with empty hands. Here they sit, celebrate, and at home the husband and the child not kormlennye wait for me. Devil take it, I for all life have had heard plenty of this drunk man's delirium. Also it was already similar, as my lover so was typed, that has forgotten, where I sit. And an hour later I have absolutely flown into a rage, have jumped out from under a table and, on the move pulling a blouse, have told to the amazed drinking companions, that I a phantom of our design department, that I their drunk hallucination, that I always here after work sunbathe under a table ".

Working novels for forty-year women always come to an end same.

It - I on a table cannot.

It - well also it is not necessary.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

FEMALE NEW YEAR'S EVE

(That was waited in last New Year's eve by lonely women from men)

Lonely women waited, that it, as well as promised, at least will come to it by New year, instead of will be lost in a bath under the name "Twist of fate". On the average, on the made New Year's an appointment 85 percent of men came. More often them invited to 9 o'clock in the evening. With colours 0,1 % invited, with a pie - 3 %, with fruit - 10 %, with champagne - 20 %, with vodka - 25 % have come. Have on a visit come absolutely sober - 15 % of men, slightly having drunk - 65 %, have crawled to a threshold - 20 %.

Average cost of a New Year's gift from the man did not exceed 40 today's roubles. In general with empty hands half of men has come.

At once have started to stick to the mistress of the house of 60 % of New Year's gentlemen, but about New year 5 % have achieved intimate affinity hardly probable. (Evil tongues assert, that women are not given to men that those, having received the, have not run away from them before New year). So to 12 o'clock in the morning the Russian is similar to a rock with unapproachable height in 150-170 centimetres. But after New year of 99 % of the men invited to the New Year's eve receive from Russians all. Such is tradition. By quantity obortov January and February are peak months.

But for that waited and, basically, Russian women did not wait from the man? It should come with a bouquet of roses and a box with a ringlet. Under sounds of a chiming clock he should admit, that very much wishes to marry, and she should have time to think and will agree to 12 blows of hours. Then they gently should join hands and look in the face each other (but usually watch TV). Then they should leave on street, light Bengalese sparks and conceive romantic desire. But, unfortunately, men after midnight had absolutely other desire, and their eyes were lighted by Bengalese sparks.

At two o'clock all the night long New Year's steams looked almost equally. It covers with a hand its bared breast, trying so to put a head to it on a shoulder that it is more reliable peredavit to it the best blood artery.

At them already all was... The Best dress lays on a floor and is pressed down by slightly stroked trousers with three arrows on each trouser-leg. On a table still there is a vodka, Olivier's salad and absolutely yet kovyrjannaja a herring under a fur coat... He tells the second hour to it, that it did in the sixth class and what ridiculous case has occurred to it about two years ago. She does not listen, because itself wishes to tell, that did in the fourth class and it has got to what amusing situation about three years ago.

It is all helps to forget, that he and has not told to it of those treasured words, that in the morning it will go to fill up to mum and will call it of day through three, instead of remains forever adhered to this celebratory salad. That it on a dress will have a speck from any garnish and the burnt hole from a cigarette.

All has not come true for a long time already.

On the statistican, New Year's night-cheat brings family happiness only to one woman from five hundred lonely Russians.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

MAN'S NEW YEAR'S EVE

(That was waited in last New Year's eve by lonely men from women)

Lonely men terribly suffer last two weeks under New year. They painfully decide to go to whom. For some reason to go to celebrate New year to the woman most familiar and close to them they dare only by December, 28-30th when lose last hope to celebrate New year in a society of any smart photomodel or tonkonogoj to the colleague who has smiled to them in August and has for some reason winked in October. Only before the Newest year the lonely man understands, that it on figs is necessary to photomodel, and tonkonogaja the employee loves goats more youngly and more richly. This minute he calls to the old acquaintance and makes happy with its promise to come to it for New year. A problem with a New Year's gift - one of the most severe tests for the real man. But on 40 roubles he buys in a stall the costume jewellery kg, two packs of condoms and a cud that a teeth a brush in vain not to tear up.

That waited from women in the New Year's eve by lonely Russian men? First, they very much are afraid to remain this night one, their vanity is already wounded two-three refusals of other women. They need to feel somewhere to someone necessary that round them have run about, have submitted tapki, salad, a stewed hen and a wine-glass.

But it is all not the most important thing, in a New Year's eve the man, first, wants sex, secondly, sexual activity should show the woman and to be such as he saw in the best in pornovideo players. This night he tries, if is not so drunk, to carry out the dirtiest sexual imaginations: and that she not only did not object, but also really wanted these disgraces. If it is a lot of vodka - dreams come true. The man in general is happier on January, 1st - full, satisfied morally and physically it leaves from it in the den. Leaving it the crumpled bed, dirty ware, a smell peregara and the wrinkled condom in a garbage can.

Lovely my girls and women, I should open to you eyes on these lewd New Year's gentlemen. I have read for these years their thousand poslenovogodnih adventures. You know, of what they especially oppositely think after a New Year's eve? They hope, that they will meet the following New Year's eve with the woman more youngly, more beautifully or more richly, that at them men still ahead, and at you women with whom they have just spent this night, all already behind, and that your trains have left for a long time. Here therefore these of a radish so long on you also do not marry, while the fried cock at all will not peck them in an unsuccessful part of a body, and they at last will not understand, that anybody, except you so them will not love, protect and serve. Then they also go with you to the REGISTRY OFFICE and all life live happily. That's it for it men often tenderly name goats, and at all that at them socks from a dirt podvanivajut.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

HEROIC PORNOGRAPHY

The review of a pornographic film about builders Dneprogesa:

Once three grandmothers-pensioners looked on the videorecorder a feature film about gentle, romantic, pre-war love. Tears peacefully moistened huge old-womanish scarfs, but on the screen damned war gradually came to an end, and loving hearts found happiness in heavy post-war years...

Grandmothers have somehow seen that moment when on a videocassette their film has ended. In the end of a film there were the last kadriki before the erased pornographic film, and here before eyes of the stupefied old women there has passed on the screen as they have understood, the front girlfriend of the protagonist in braces, with a naked breast and open buttocks. It proviljala in a room where has joined other woman and the man too similar to the protagonist of the first film, made is a lot of feats. It has constructed Dneproges, Magnitogorsk, twenty years stored fidelity favourite, has lined the German tank, then restored the destroyed cities and villages. In general, the full hero, and suddenly began to have sex frenziedly at once with two women...

I will not retell the maintenance of these two films, and I will only literally write all babushkinskie comments which I a hand shivering from laughter have written down directly on fresh impressions. So, a word to my grandmothers:

- Ah, here what they became... Zastukala, look, with another shalavoj zastukala. Ah a snake-razluchnitsa... Njura, you look: at me in these points it is bad to see, that they do... Ah, here what they became dissolute...

- The silly woman, you do not understand - do not climb, it the captivity recollects it, where at poljachek disappeared...

- The shame absolutely is not present... It what ' fries It ': with stockings or a chignon?

- Yes it is the barmaid with whom he has got acquainted on building in Magnitogorsk... I saw this film in 1952, but there this scene in a bed povyrezali, and none all show. Youth corrupt... At me with my grandfather so srodu it would not turn out. It on the Finnish war a foot prikalechil...

- Do not argue, it is that which from a battlefield has pulled out its wounded man. Sanitarka it, precisely, its were...

- Njur, and you from the such light up or not? I do not light up, debauchery after all... Eksel-moksel, as it it, shameless... And it that for the muzhik of the second to them has still come?

- He/she is the husband sanitarki, now it from a gun all of them, monsters, will interrupt...

- And on a horse-radish togdas itself trousers removes?

- It is the second series, it earlier to us did not show, and have sold to America for gold...

- It not sanitarkin the husband, at it the husband chernenky and high... Uh as the stinker zavereshchala... Give your points, I in the person of the second will look...

- Approach more close, and it becomes seem to know better... The film End, what l?. And with what it remained?

- On all to see, he marries on sanitarke: at it the body is more magnificent, and she longest waited for it...

- That, the second muzhik who it it was?

- Blind you, Njur, became, and look. Same the groom betonshchitsy with Dneprogesa...

- And che they sleep all together?

- The habitation svovo is not present, after war ruin. I lived in a communal flat. 15 persons on two-room apartment. At night vydesh on need, and Borka-neighbour on a chest in a corridor ' fries the wife-proshchelygu '. Now all is truthful at cinema show...

- Njur, and what too loved the barmaid, well of which in mine a beam has knocked down, it is a pity the muzhik, has not lived to happiness...

- It is a pity, znamo, it is a pity. To you pension for last month have given?

Is not present still, tomorrow on poshtu I will go...

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

AS THE STEEL WAS SOFTENED

... In the mid-sixties a little the Vologda senior pupils have excluded from Komsomol because of one American prostitute.

All has begun that at a lesson of chemistry from the textbook of our schoolmate Sashi, the pornographic playing card on which one overseas young woman in front and behind accepted at once two men has dropped out. In general, it is clear, that there it has been represented.

The fallen card there and then have picked up from a floor, and it has gone to walk on hands. The teacher in chemistry has noticed nothing, and all of us from a shame were rescued by change. For five minutes half of class has peered at this disgrace... The Vigilant secretary of the Komsomol organisation of a class too has strongly peered in the beginning at a card, but has then taken courage and has suggested "to finish this disgrace". At its word to "finish" have fallen from laughter a class quarter because already then this word started to get equivoque.

But on general meeting of members of the Komsomol of our class where have decided to discuss behaviour of the owner of card Sashi, all were almost serious. To understand with what we deal, this subject of ideological diversion of the American propagation have decided to show once again to all members of the Komsomol of a class (in a class was eleven more not members of the Komsomol, but to them for edification too have shown this pornocard).

Little girls looked at a card with half an eye and with words "fi" and "muck" escaped for the school desks. Only one little girl at viewing has braked also it of the whole two minutes pjalilas on a card in the uttermost silence. But vigilant komsekretar has pulled out at it from hands a card and has condemned confusion of the schoolmate parting words: "You that, in nature, kol have swallowed, look at the such... stvo". To it in the answer the become stupid member of the Komsomol only has uttered indistinctly: "At it two husbands..." The class from this explanation was came from laughter because all knew, that this ugly little girl in general does not have guy, and anybody does not look at it at all. But komsekretar has shouted, as cut off: "It is a photomontage, any woman cannot at once with two men. They this debauchery distract the American workers from struggle for the political convictions. Who will look still this card?"

To look were caused all. Boys looked hardly longer, wrinkling thus noses, foreheads and idiotski giggling.

Then began discuss amicably the owner of card Sashu as the distributor of pornographic production, for one perversity and feebleness of the American political system have condemned. At this time suddenly our class honours pupil took and has caused a stir, the American playing card has told, that it not, and West German - there supposedly is in German written. (It was necessary to copy anew because of it the report of our Komsomol meeting). And my friend on a school desk too has not sustained and has shouted from a place: "Such beautiful Germans does not happen, at it a bust of the American..." Him have interrupted at once some person: "And you that saw... You look, Germans all blondes... You the fool, and your grandmother in hockey play..." One of shouting even has cried out the version, that on this card Germans-fascists have removed captured at which scoffed in war... But here again in all has got komsekretar, and all of us amicably have converged that is a dirty fake, a photomontage, ideological diversion and that Sashu as nursery, it is necessary to drive from Komsomol.

Have issued the report of Komsomol meeting, have unanimously voted and together with a pornocard have sent to a Komsomol district committee.

We so were surprised and have got a fright, when to us in a class has appeared suddenly rajkomovskoe the Komsomol heads. For this discussion they have excluded from Komsomol my eight schoolmates which surnames have got to the report of our Komsomol meeting, - we have written down their statements in debate. Have excluded also the secretary of the Komsomol organisation of our class.

By the way, the first draught copy of that report of Komsomol meeting on which that first historical fight of a pornography getting into Vologda has been given has absolutely casually remained.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

ART TO LOOK UNDER SKIRTS

(Art to look under female skirts the roots leaves till the period of primitive loincloths)

... I have thought up interesting game. In the days off I leave the house and I follow to first me the girl in a miniskirt. If on road I meet the girl with more beautiful feet for the sake of it I cease to follow the first and I walk for the second. Here so, changing on a way of little girls on more nice girls, I manage to resemble behind behind the most amazing copies. Well, and such travel wind me on all city, and I do not know, where it will appear an hour later. It depends on I will meet what girls on the way.

Annoyingly, if the girl behind whom I go, comes into an entrance of own house. In this case, I wait for it exactly five minutes, and then I look around for any suitable little girl, and all repeats at first.

Well, certainly, I behind them not simply go. I devour their feet with eyes. Happens, that the skirt form so fits a soft place, that I look not at feet. And it already infringement of game rules.

Is at me and small secrets. Being stolen for the seductress, I am able to choose successful foreshortenings: it rises on steps, bends to a counter of a commercial stall. It becomes very unpleasant to me, if the girl goes in general without shorts. For such girl I will not go. This simply boorish relation to associates, and microbes there fly.

In an ideal, the short skirt as though did not wave, we should see only feet, and all the rest should not look out on millimetre.

Has forgotten to add: I am a gentleman and consequently to windy weather for girls I do not go.

As to a female aesthetics my tastes do not coincide with the standard where thin, long feet to ears are considered as an ideal, with weak sunburn and straight lines from all positions - in front, behind and sideways. Personally I like the French type of legs "with drjablinkoj". Such legs as though have a little grown thin, ljazhechki should be wound slightly - with not hardly tense skin. The French legs necessarily should be a little neprjamy - better sideways. Though and in even curve legs, especially behind, it is so much sexuality, as in models you will not find.

I do not argue, much still like Russian type of legs: thick, jadrenye hips, as if poured by the rubber, passing around knees in quite civilised thin legs. Unfortunately, such girls carry footwear in the size at 38-41 (to an old domestic measure) is more often.

I can not ignore and the so-called form of feet similar to letter H. It is in appearance looked not so. But to make love to such girls it is more pleasant, understand. It is sick these kosinozhki well for us of them cling.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

RAPE BY ALIENS

... My uncle of the most fair rules, when of alcohol will drink too much to respect itself to force, to us about bolnichku the says lies. It has worked long time the attending physician in one psihzavedenii, and its table stories for years amused members of our family.

Under its statement, many patients have been subject for a long time to sexual harassments from beings from other planets. But recently this psychosis has found in mad minds especially a fertile field. What should the doctor answer the complaint of the patient which asserts, what she was raped in the sixth astral measurement by the blue-eyed alien with four genitals? My uncle always answered: "do not worry, the darling, we will catch also all we will tear off. So we will not leave it". And it ukolchikom from an astral deduces.

From stories of my uncle. On spring to many unbalanced lonely women from shortage of sexual attention it is acted in film erotic dreams in which they have sex not only with men, but also with animals different there: to a thicket with dogs, horses, bulls, monkeys, lions and even huge rabbits. It is not terrible. Such woman, eventually, will meet the normal man, and all will pass. But if you have already sex at night with trehgolovym the monster from a planet Jupiter or to you into bed has once again got impudent Buratino consider, that you already our patient. It is necessary it is treated. Instead of that will be worse, you even harmless plush Winnie Puh at night will start to force. One at us was treated two years in a hospital and suddenly has unexpectedly given birth to the son from a pangolin from the space video insurgent "Strangers". Doctors could not understand anything, while it has not shown this pangolin - it has appeared our hospital attendant. It was necessary to leave it, of course.

I in detail asked that patient who had sex with the blue-eyed alien. How it at all of them has occurred? She has told in detail. As it has stuck to it in the beginning the first genital, then the second, the third and the fourth. And, after sex the monster has fallen for weariness, and it though that - the course to me on reception has come.

And in plates to aliens fly in hundreds. In the evening of women abduct, and return in the morning. To me the familiar gynecologist told, that to it it is frequent with such consultations address. At these women of the man years was not, and pregnancy suspect. You start to enquire such woman in what has put - it appears, has overslept in an UFO. To it after that for the muzhik to look, and it for four hundred roubles has gone to the psychic on reception. Well, the psychic after all not the fool, for four hundred roubles will confirm everything and even will tell, how in these flying plateaus it is necessary will be protected from undesirable pregnancy.

One patient in acknowledgement has given me a videocassette of its sexual adventure with the alien. Have included together on record viewing. She something sees on the screen, and I see nothing. It simply lays in a bath in soapsuds and waves hands. Such foam has shaken up - it is visible nothing, only sometimes the naked breast flashes. In general, now on the TV and pozaboristej "astral" show.

Another showed me the drawings where has drawn the inoplanetnogo the sexual persecutor. Anything especial. In appearance, so a simple dog with aerials instead of ears.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

THE VIBRATOR IN THE THROWN VILLAGE

... I work in a sex shop and quite often I observe of reaction of buyers. Often come to take a look respectable enough women and with square eyes consider plastic man's bodies. To one woman from deaf area became badly when I have explained to it to it, that "it for huge sticks on a show-window lay". So sal ammoniac to it after that gave. And a month later it has again arrived to a city and at once to us. Has bought the greatest as she named - "drovjaninu". Then came to us some times and told, that from it "drovjaninoj" the village floor sleeps. That supposedly with it will be, it firm, as iron, and always sober.

Rubber dolls buy men of exclusively small growth. At purchase ask, what is her name. Once one debauchee has called then in shop, was called as the virgin and began to ask me as this doll him to use. I to it the words. Generally our buyers often come back in shop and tell, that they do with our production. Such contingent manjachnyj. With rubber dolls live, as with wives, name them on the surname, are jealous, they at them often wait for the baby, in general, shizujut as can.

Run in shop of the boy of years till 12-16. In the beginning we expelled them, but installation has then arrived not to banish, let buy preziki - will be more whole. So these maljavki with such professionalism discuss our production that you wonder. One fellow explained the whole hour to two friends quality of this or that prezika - I have listened with delight.

It appears if to trust its erudition, preziki with pimples have thought up Germans in the First World War of 1914, properly to punish the occupied Frenchwomen. But pimples then on prezikah were size about the big pea. Invaders damned.

Alexey VINOGRADOV.

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