Glossary of Relationship Terms

Marriage, Love Relationships

& Polykoity

Norman Elliott Anderson

C

Table of Contents

Introduction

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Q

W

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- R -

X

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©

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Table of Contents
Introduction
- A -	- H -	O	U
- B -	- I -	- P -	- V -
- C -	J	Q	W
- D -	K	- R -	X
- E -	- L -	- S-Si -	Y
F	- M -	- Sk-Sz -	Z
- G -	- N -	- T -	©
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cad:

A person who is discourteous, dishonorable, or irresponsible; a person who violates a code of decent behavior, especially a man who is ungentlemanly, dishonorable, or irresponsible in his relations with women.

See also false heart, false lover, gay deceiver, philanderer, rake, roué, shark, woo for cake and pudding.

Related words beyond scope: bounder, wastrel.

cadre of beloveds (T. Rifkin Elliott):

1. The set of people loved romantically by a polyamorist (q.v.).

2. The set of partners in a group love relationship (q.v.).

See also beloved, bevy of beloveds, bundle of freemates, clutch of lovers, covey of lovers, cuddle of lovers, imbroglio of polyamours, partner, polyamorist, polyamorite, polyamour, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

Caestus (Latin):

See girdle of Venus.

cagamosis:

An unhappy state of marriage.

Comment: From Greek kakos ("bad") + gamos ("wedlock") + -osis ("a condition").

Contrast happy marriage (q.v.) and nomogamosis (q.v.). See also banish (a person one's) bed and company, cavel, death spiral of a relationship, emotional divorce, dysfunctional relationship, estrangement, fall out of love, -gamy, grounds for divorce, heterogamosis, incompatibility, love-hate relationship, loveless marriage, love-resolves-all myth, love-trouble, marital blues, marriage shock, marriage-trap, misérables, Miss Wrong, Mister Wrong, odd couple, poor match, punishment through marriage, relationship ecology, rocky relationship, toxic relationship, "unequally yoked," unequal marriage, unhappily married, WMD.

caging:

1. The restriction imposed by the expectation that a spouse satisfy all of one's emotional needs over the course of a marriage, even if the marriage lasts for decades, with a concommittent expectation that outside intimacies be excluded.

2. The family self-enclosure that results from the expectation that parents should meet all of their children's needs.

Comment: Coined by Ray L. Birdwhistell, 1966.

See also closed marriage, companionship family, compulsory monogamy, exclusivity, love-ends-interest-in-others myth, monogamism, monogamy, monogamy-only position, myth of togetherness, saddled with, sexual exclusivity.

cait:

See kate.

cakra puja (Sanskrit):

See chakra puja.

Caledonian Temple of Hymen:

See Gretna Green Wedding.

calf love:

Romantic emotions felt by a teenager, especially insofar as they are temporary.

For lexical example, see under "deathbed bride."

See also crush, crystallization, high school sweetheart, hook up, infatuation, limerence, love, practice love, primo amore, puppy love.

Californian marriage:

Six men being conjugated to six women for the purposes of greater venereal pleasure, maximinzing both fertility, as desired, and the procreation of strong healthy children.

Comment: Attributed to William Petty, 17th century.

See also Californication, group marriage, marriage, sperm wars.

Californication:

1. Sexual intercourse, especially non-marital, in California or involving a Californian.

2. Change in the direction of becoming, in some way, like California (usually southern California), especially with regard to unbridled development of land.

3. Spread of loose sexual mores portrayed by the Hollywood film industry and exemplified by many of its stars, this far beyond the borders of California.

Comments: Generally understood to be a portmanteau word, often jocularly used, combining "California" + "fornication." Although with regard to non-sexual uses of the term, speakers may sometimes have in mind an alternative word to "fornication," such as "communication," "diversification," "modification," "multiplication," or "sophistication," or simply a common suffix.

The word dates back at least to 1947.

See also Californian marriage, fornication, pornification, sexual mores.

caller:

1. A person who visits another.

2. A person who telephones another.

3. A person who courts or otherwise seeks to attract another by seeking to spend time with that person.

See also camp out on (someone's) doorstep, courtship, gentleman caller, lady caller, suitor, wooer.

callipygian ideal:

1. A concept of the perfect buttocks, according to either an individual's sexual taste or a collective sexual taste.

2. A person whose buttocks fit that concept.

Comment: From the Greek word kallipugos ("with beautiful buttocks").

Naturally the adjective, "callipygian" (also "callipygous") means "having beautiful buttocks."

"Callipygian" is pronounced with a soft "g" and "callipygous" with a hard "g."

See also attraction, ideal, mate value, objectification, waist-to-hip ratio.

call of the heart:

1. An internal impetus towards a vocation, such as the pastoral ministry.

2. An impulsion, arising from human sentiments and sensibilities, to address a situation, especially with compassion or fairness.

3. The inclination to invest oneself romantically in a particular person.

See also fall in love, heart.

camp boyfriend:

A male with whom one has engaged in either an on-going flirtation or a love affair at a recreational facility characterized in large part by tents, huts, or cabins.

See also boyfriend, camp girlfriend, camp romance.

camp girlfriend:

A female with whom one has engaged in either an on-going flirtation or a love affair at a recreational facility characterized in large part by tents, huts, or cabins.

See also camp boyfriend, camp romance, girlfriend.

camp out on (someone's) doorstep:

A metaphor meaning to seek the romantic attention of that someone; to court, especially with persistence.

Example: "As soon as he was single again, he had oodles of women camping out on his doorstep."

There are both variations on the phrase, for example, "sit on (someone's) doorstep" and "camp on (someone's) doorstep," and other senses, for example, "when the paparazzi camp on one's doorstep."

See also caller, court, pursue, white whale, woo.

x doorstep.

x sit on (someone's) doorstep.

camp romance:

An on-going flirtation or a love affair at a recreational facility characterized in large part by tents, huts, or cabins.

Comment: Often the sort of camp is stated, as in "summer camp romance."

Sometimes the term implies temporal parameters, that is, that the romance lasted only for as long as the individuals were at the camp, with perhaps a period of correspondence after; although sometimes such romances are renewed upon return to camp; and some blossom beyond camp.

See also camp boyfriend, camp girlfriend, romance, summer lover.

x summer camp romance.

Candaules complex:

1. The set of dispositions and forged mental pathways that drives a man to wish to exhibit his wife or feamle lover naked to another man.

2. The set of dispositions and forged mental pathways that drives a man to want to watch his wife or female lover engage in sexual relations with another man.

Latinized: Candaulus complex.

See also candaulism.

x Candaulus complex.

x complexes.

Quotations from Curt Leviant Illustrating "Candaules Complex"

[30] [Guido] "... Did you ever feel that when you like someone very much you want to share them?"

[Charlie] "No, not personally, but it's not uncommon," I said. "In fact, what you're describing is as old as the Greeks. As ancient history. It's called the Candaules Complex. Herodotus writes about a king called Candaules who so loved the beauty of his wife that he arranged for a friend [Gyges] to see her naked.

[103] He [Guido] was so enthralled with her [Aviva] that he wanted to share her -- with me [Charlie]. I told him I had read an article about this, but I didn't say that I'd written it and given the name Candaulus Complex to this odd but not uncommon psychological phenomenon. He wanted to share her with me? Fine. I'd be glad to play Gyges to his Candaulus, but first I had to find her.

From: Diary of an Adulterous Woman: A Novel: Including an ABC Directory That Offers Alphabetical Tidbits and Surprises, [by] Curt Leviant ([Syracuse, N.Y.]: Syracuse University Press, 2001; in series: Library of Modern Jewish Literature): pp. 30, 103. Note the change of spelling, from "Candaules" to "Candaulus." For the reference, see Herodotus, History 1:8-12.

Quotations from Curt Leviant Illustrating "Candaules Complex"
[30] [Guido] "... Did you ever feel that when you like someone very much you want to share them?" [Charlie] "No, not personally, but it's not uncommon," I said. "In fact, what you're describing is as old as the Greeks. As ancient history. It's called the Candaules Complex. Herodotus writes about a king called Candaules who so loved the beauty of his wife that he arranged for a friend [Gyges] to see her naked.
[103] He [Guido] was so enthralled with her [Aviva] that he wanted to share her -- with me [Charlie]. I told him I had read an article about this, but I didn't say that I'd written it and given the name Candaulus Complex to this odd but not uncommon psychological phenomenon. He wanted to share her with me? Fine. I'd be glad to play Gyges to his Candaulus, but first I had to find her.
From: Diary of an Adulterous Woman: A Novel: Including an ABC Directory That Offers Alphabetical Tidbits and Surprises, [by] Curt Leviant ([Syracuse, N.Y.]: Syracuse University Press, 2001; in series: Library of Modern Jewish Literature): pp. 30, 103. Note the change of spelling, from "Candaules" to "Candaulus." For the reference, see Herodotus, History 1:8-12.

candaulism:

1. Deliberately exhibiting one's wife naked to another man in order to show her off. Named after King Candaules of ancient Lydia, who is said to have revealed his queen's nakedness to Gyges. (See Herodotus, History 1:8-12. The story, by the way, did not end well for King Candaules, since the queen took offense.)

2. Feeling pleasure and pride in watching one's wife engage in sexual activity with another man.

3. Participation in a group of three comprised of a woman, her husband, and another man, where the husband watches his wife engage in sexual activity with the other man.

Contrast compersion (q.v.). See also bivirist, Candaules complex, helping, hotwife, Mandingo party, martymachlia, mixoscopia, pimp for, sperm competition syndrome, swing, troilism, trophy wife, watching.

Candaulus complex:

See Candaules complex.

cap-setting:

The practice of luring a man in the attempt to make him one's sweetheart or husband.

Comments: Not to be confused with the expression, "to have one's cap set," which means "to be drunk."

For explanation, see under "set (her) cap at him."

See also Aphrodite's girdle, attraction, approach invitation, comether, flirtation, girdle of Venus, make-want.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "Cap-Setting"

[22] After several generations of studious "cap-setting," complete with thousands of "how-to" articles and books, we are at last back to an era when a woman can just sit still and be sought [23] after by the greatest selection of men since the Sabines got theirs.

From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): pp. 22-23.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "Cap-Setting"
[22] After several generations of studious "cap-setting," complete with thousands of "how-to" articles and books, we are at last back to an era when a woman can just sit still and be sought [23] after by the greatest selection of men since the Sabines got theirs.
From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): pp. 22-23.

captivated:

Having had one's attentions, such as one's romantic attentions, captured; attracted to and focused upon; drawn to; absorbed.

See also besotted, bitten by the love bug, blinded by love, doughy-nosed, enamored, enchanted, gone on, infatuated, in love, love-cracked, love-struck, mashed on, pussy-struck, smitten, sprung.

capture marriage:

1. Taking a wife or concubine from among females seized as booty.

2. Grabbing a woman to take as a wife or concubine, with or without her complicity and, perhaps, whether or not she is already married.

Contrast free marriage (q.v.). See also marriage, Law of the Conquered, nusukaaktuat, remarriage, trophy wife.

x bride-catching

x marriage by capture

x wife-capture

caritas (Latin):

Agapic love (q.v.); spiritual love.

See also love.

x Latin terms.

Quotation from Charles Williams Illustrating "Caritas"

All the gospels are full of that inclusive-exclusive command to do things "for my sake". It is the definition of caritas, and caritas is the nature of the kingdom.

From the theological work: He Came Down From Heaven, [by] Charles Williams (Grand Rapids, Mich.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984): chapter 7, p. 134. Originally published: London: William Heinemann, 1938; in series: I believe; no. 5.

Carmela effect:

A pattern of female-initiated divorce during midlife or later.

Comment: Apparently the phenomenon is so named after Carmela Soprano (née DeAngelis), a character on the HBO TV show, "The Sopranos," played by Edie Falco. Carmela's separation from her husband, Tony, is a focus of the fifth season (2004).

See also divorce, divorcée, Lady Jane.

carnal love:

Attraction to or bonding with a person insofar as it is based upon physical desire or sexual gratification.

Comments: "Carnal" means "pertaining to the flesh."

Carnal love is often contrasted with caritas (q.v.), that is, spiritual love.

See also amour-physique, eromance, erotic love, love, love-passion, love's lust, romantic love, sexual desire, sexual love, sexualove.

Quotation from Malcom Muggeridge Illustrating "Carnal Love"

[15] What, then, is a conversion? ... I have often myself prayed for such a dramatic happening in my life that would, as it were, start me off on a new calendar, like from B.C. to A.D., and [16] provide a watershed between carnal and spiritual love.

From: Confessions of a Twentieth-Century Pilgrim, [by] Malcom Muggeridge (San Francisco: Harper & Row, c1988): pp.15-16.

Quotation from Malcom Muggeridge Illustrating "Carnal Love"
[15] What, then, is a conversion? ... I have often myself prayed for such a dramatic happening in my life that would, as it were, start me off on a new calendar, like from B.C. to A.D., and [16] provide a watershed between carnal and spiritual love.
From: Confessions of a Twentieth-Century Pilgrim, [by] Malcom Muggeridge (San Francisco: Harper & Row, c1988): pp.15-16.

carry a torch for:

1. To be an advocate of; to be someone who wants to signal the world about the qualities of; to represent the spirit of; to illumine the way of others as to.

2. To be in love with.

3. To bear a secret or unrequited or still unextinguished romantic passion for.

Comment: Strong cultural images that sometimes condition use of the term are the carrying of the Olympic torch and the torch held aloft by the Statue of Liberty.

See also besotted, Cupid's torch, flame, have the hots for, incandescence, infatuated, in love, limerence, old flame, sprung, torch, torch song, torchy, undeclared love, unrequited love, wildly in love with.

carry on:

1. To continue.

2. To make a commotion.

3. To conduct an affair, especially an adulterous affair.

4. To engage in intimate activities, especially in a way that is exposed to others.

See also affair, break matrimony, break spousehood, break wedlock, cheat, commit adultery, cuckold, fool around, play around, run astray, tip, two-time, yard on.

carte blanche (French):

1. "Blank card," or, metaphorically, "full power"; the power to set one's own conditions.

2. Any custom by which a holy person is granted the freedom to make love to any one, whether married or not, among some group of people, ordinarily of a different sex, generally the belief being that copulation with a holy person is meritorious or otherwise desirable.

See also hierogamy, sacred sex, theogamy.

x French terms.

carte de tendre (French):

"Map of tenderness"; a chart of the land of tender feelings; a mapping of love's territory; a geography of love.

Comment: Madeleine de Scudéry (1607-1701) designed a map of tenderness, which was engraved by François Chauveau and published in the first volume of her Clélie: Histoire romaine (Paris: Augustin Courbé, 1654). It served as a board game in the salons of Paris.

Her map had no place for either marriage or physical sexual expression, but otherwise it covered a wide gamut of the manifestations of a person that would make him or her either attractive or repulsive for a close relationship.

It is also called la carte du tendre and la carte du pays de tendre, the latter being translated, "the map of the land of tenderness."

La Carte de Tendre

Various reproductions of the map can be found on the Web, for example at these sites:

http://expositions.bnf.fr/ciel/grand/sq11-06.htm

http://www.ac-rouen.fr/pedagogie/equipes/lettres/tendre/tendre.html

http://www.bonheurpourtous.com/histoir/carten2h.htm

The following roughly represents the map, albeit in reverse order, that is, from top to bottom instead of from bottom to top.

On the shore of La Mer d'Inimitié (the Sea of Enmity)

Left bank of Inclination Fleuve, south of Reconnaissance Fleuve (River of Recognition)

Inclination Fleuve (Inclination River)

Right bank of Inclination Fleuve, south of Estime Fleuve (River of Esteem)

On the way to Le lac d'Indifference (the Lake of Indifference)

Orgueil (Arrogance)

Complaissance (Kindness)

Nouvelle amitié (New Acquaintance)

Grand esprit (Great Spirit)

Négligence (Neglect)

Indiscrétion

Soumission (Surrender)

Jolis Vers (Amusing Lines)

Inégalité (Inequality)

Perfidie (Treachery)

Petits Soins (Attentiveness)

Billet galant (Attentive Note)

Tiédeur (Lukewarmness)

Médisance (Slander)

Assiduité (Conscientiousness)

Billet doux (Love Letter)

Légéreté (Thoughtlessness)

Méchanceté (Maliciousness)

Empressement (Enthusiasm)

Sincérité (Sincerity)

Oubli (Oversight)

Grand Services (Great Services)

Grand coeur (Great Heart)

Sensibilité (Sensitivity)

Probité (Integrity)

Tendresse (Affection)

Générosité (Generosity)

Obeissance (Allegiance)

Tendre sur Inclination (Affection by Inclination)

Exactitude

Constante Amité (Sustained Friendship)

Respect

Bonté (Kindness)

Tendre sur Reconnaissance (Affection by Recognition)

Tendre sur Estime (Affection by Esteem)

Confluence of Reconnaissance Fleuve, Inclination Fleuve, and Estime Fleuve (Fleuve = River)

La Mer Dangereuse (The Sea of Danger)

Terres Inconnues (Uncharted Lands)

La Carte de Tendre
Various reproductions of the map can be found on the Web, for example at these sites: http://expositions.bnf.fr/ciel/grand/sq11-06.htm http://www.ac-rouen.fr/pedagogie/equipes/lettres/tendre/tendre.html http://www.bonheurpourtous.com/histoir/carten2h.htm The following roughly represents the map, albeit in reverse order, that is, from top to bottom instead of from bottom to top.
On the shore of La Mer d'Inimitié (the Sea of Enmity)	Left bank of Inclination Fleuve, south of Reconnaissance Fleuve (River of Recognition)	Inclination Fleuve (Inclination River)	Right bank of Inclination Fleuve, south of Estime Fleuve (River of Esteem)	On the way to Le lac d'Indifference (the Lake of Indifference)
Orgueil (Arrogance)	Complaissance (Kindness)	Nouvelle amitié (New Acquaintance)	Grand esprit (Great Spirit)	Négligence (Neglect)
Indiscrétion	Soumission (Surrender)		Jolis Vers (Amusing Lines)	Inégalité (Inequality)
Perfidie (Treachery)	Petits Soins (Attentiveness)		Billet galant (Attentive Note)	Tiédeur (Lukewarmness)
Médisance (Slander)	Assiduité (Conscientiousness)		Billet doux (Love Letter)	Légéreté (Thoughtlessness)
Méchanceté (Maliciousness)	Empressement (Enthusiasm)		Sincérité (Sincerity)	Oubli (Oversight)
	Grand Services (Great Services)		Grand coeur (Great Heart)
	Sensibilité (Sensitivity)		Probité (Integrity)
	Tendresse (Affection)		Générosité (Generosity)
	Obeissance (Allegiance)	Tendre sur Inclination (Affection by Inclination)	Exactitude
	Constante Amité (Sustained Friendship)		Respect
			Bonté (Kindness)
	Tendre sur Reconnaissance (Affection by Recognition)		Tendre sur Estime (Affection by Esteem)
		Confluence of Reconnaissance Fleuve, Inclination Fleuve, and Estime Fleuve (Fleuve = River)
		La Mer Dangereuse (The Sea of Danger)
		Terres Inconnues (Uncharted Lands)

See also discourse of desire, love, ladder of love, tenderness, trattàto di amore.

x Carte du Pays de Tendre.

x Carte du Tendre.

x French terms.

x map of tenderness.

Quotation from Shirley Abbott Illustrating "La Carte de Tendre"

Long ago in the city of Paris, in the time of Louis XIII and the young Louis XIV, there lived a woman named Madeleine de Scudéry, a learned woman, it's said, and the author of formidable, thick, preposterous, very successful romance novels. What she's remembered for now, if at all, is her map of love, or map of tender feelings, la carte de tendre, which still sometimes shows up in old texts or dictionaries of French literature. It is a sketchy, earnest little thing, like a child's drawing, showing a great continent bisected north to south by a river and dotted with castles and villages. Maybe she got the idea of mapping love's territory from the equally tentative maps of North America that French explorers sent home to the kings of France: maps of conquest in another sense.

Madeleine de Scudéry's map was a board game for a sport the French call gallantry. You might start from New Acquaintance, follow the treacherous road leading toward the Castle of Love, and end up at the bottom of the Lake of Indifference. The town of Sincerity was a stop on the road to Tenderness by Esteem. Unless you watched your step, you might drown in Inclination River, or be swept off toward the Dangerous Sea and Uncharted Lands. You had to beware of false lovers, one of whom might be you.

The object of the game was to find a lover obsessed with the forms and formalities of love. A person in love with love, a man of wit. Nowhere on the map was there a way station called marriage.

The salons of Paris oohed and aahed for a time about la carte de tendre, but eventually they turned to other celebrity authors and began calling Madeleine a précieuse, which was not a term of endearment.

From: Love's Apprentice, [by] Shirley Abbott (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1998): pp. 1-2.

Quotation from Shirley Abbott Illustrating "La Carte de Tendre"
Long ago in the city of Paris, in the time of Louis XIII and the young Louis XIV, there lived a woman named Madeleine de Scudéry, a learned woman, it's said, and the author of formidable, thick, preposterous, very successful romance novels. What she's remembered for now, if at all, is her map of love, or map of tender feelings, la carte de tendre, which still sometimes shows up in old texts or dictionaries of French literature. It is a sketchy, earnest little thing, like a child's drawing, showing a great continent bisected north to south by a river and dotted with castles and villages. Maybe she got the idea of mapping love's territory from the equally tentative maps of North America that French explorers sent home to the kings of France: maps of conquest in another sense. Madeleine de Scudéry's map was a board game for a sport the French call gallantry. You might start from New Acquaintance, follow the treacherous road leading toward the Castle of Love, and end up at the bottom of the Lake of Indifference. The town of Sincerity was a stop on the road to Tenderness by Esteem. Unless you watched your step, you might drown in Inclination River, or be swept off toward the Dangerous Sea and Uncharted Lands. You had to beware of false lovers, one of whom might be you. *The object of the game was to find a lover obsessed with the forms and formalities of love. A person in love with love, a man of wit. Nowhere on the map was there a way station called marriage.* The salons of Paris oohed and aahed for a time about la carte de tendre, but eventually they turned to other celebrity authors and began calling Madeleine a précieuse, which was not a term of endearment.
From: Love's Apprentice, [by] Shirley Abbott (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1998): pp. 1-2.

Casanova:

A womanizer (q.v.); a man who is promiscuous with women; a male seducer of females.

Comment: The term derives from Giovanni Giacomo Casanova (1725-1798), a historical character, whose exploits as a womanizer became legendary through his memoirs.

Contrast Messalina (q.v.). See also agapet, Casanova complex, crumpet man, Don Juan, erotic journal, God's gift to women, jock, ladies' man, Lochinvar, Lothario, lover, lovertine, macadam, macadamo, masher, multimitus, philanderer, pick up artist, rake, Romeo, roué, satyr, seducer, skirt-chaser, smellsmock, stud, Valentino, wolf.

Casanova complex:

Compulsive womanizing (q.v.); a psychological urge on the part of a man to engage in sexual activity with more and more women.

Contrast Catherine the Great complex (q.v.) and Messalina complex (q.v.). See also Don Juanism, gynecomania, libertinism, promiscuity, satyriasis, serial philandering, sex maniac, sexual addiction, sexual varietism.

x complexes.

cash and carried:

Married.

See also been and done it, cut and carried, dot and carried, gone and done it, hitched, married, yoked.

casting couch:

In reference to hiring or otherwise selecting actors for a movie, TV show, or play, the sofa as a symbol for the exploitation of sex in order to obtain a part and/or the exploitation of the selection process to obtain sex.

Comment: The term is generally used pejoratively, implying either prostitution on the part of the actor or an abuse of the position, a form of sexual harassment, on the part of the person doing the selection, that is, the casting.

See also backstage romance, inappropriate relationship, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, sleep (one's) way to the top, sleep on the couch, unwelcome admixture with sexuality, whore (one's) way to the top.

casual dating:

The practice of engaging in social activities with one or more persons of complementary sexual orientation for the sake of fun or the pleasure of their company, this without any understanding of exclusivity and without any expectation that such activities will lead to a committed relationship.

See also date.

casual encounter:

1. A chance meeting.

2. An informal getting together.

3. A prearranged meeting with someone, a meeting that one hopes will entail no-strings-attached sex; a rendezvous for the purpose of engaging in casual sex.

Comment: Abbreviated CE.

See also casual sex, CE, date, one-night stand.

casual relationship:

1. A relationship that entails sexual attraction in which no relationship commitment has been made.

2. A relationship that entails sexual attraction and that is of an occasional or temporary nature.

See also affair of the flesh, amourette, cheap affair, dalliance, erotic friendship, expiration dating, flirtation, in-between relationship, insignificant other, intrigue, lovestyle, short-term relationship, tertiary relationship.

casual sex:

Engaging in sexual activity with one or more others just for fun or release of sexual tension and not as an expression of love or as part of a durable love relationship.

Comment: Sometimes the term is used pejoratively, with the implication that risks, responsibilities, and emotions are taken too casually.

See also boytoy, casual encounter, cruise, dalliance, friendship-with-sex, friend with benefits, girl toy, import, indiscriminate sex, insignificant other, loveless sex, married at Finglesham Church, one-night stand, party, philanderer, pick up, pickup, player, promiscuity, put it about, recreational sex, road beef, scamming, serial philandering, sex, sex buddy, sexual varietism, sleep around, slump buster, slut, stranger sex, stud, swing, swingle, toy boy, unconditional sex, womanize, womanizer, zipless f***.

casuistic law:

A type of rule imposed upon a society, specifically a type that is promulgated with reference to the sorts of cases to which it might apply; a conditional injunction or prohibition.

Comments: Not to be confused with casuistry, although the etymology is the same, going back to the Latin word casus, meaning "occasion" or "that which befalls."

In the Torah (the first five books of the Hebrew Bible), many of the laws are in casuistic form;¹ and some of those are injunctions and prohibitions related to marriage and sexual behavior, many of which are found assembled in the Book of the Covenant² (Exodus 20:22-23:33; see especially 21:3-11, 22; and 22:16-17) and in Deuteronomy 22:13-29. Some scholars posit that the Book of the Covenant is incomplete, lacking some of a series of casuistic laws concerning marriage, which, however, may be the very ones, with some alteration, that appear in Deuteronomy 22:13-29. A connection is to be seen between the two texts in the near repetition of a law concerning the unbetrothed virgin. Compare Exodus 22:16-17 (22:15-16 in the Hebrew) and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.¹

Casuistic laws relating to marriage and sexuality can be found elsewhere as well, for example at Leviticus 19:20. <What of Numbers 5:11-31 and Deuteronomy 24:1-5; 25:5-12?>

In the Bible, casuistic laws generally have certain characteristics. To follow Albrecht Alt's description¹:

They generally reveal a unity of style (p. 112).
They are introduced by an objective conditional clause: "If ..." (Hebrew: kî); and subsidiary cases, as appropriate, begin with "supposing that ..." (Hebrew: 'im) (pp. 113-114).
Typically, in each the case envisaged by the law is described and distinguished from similar cases, and then positive and negative consequences are specified (pp. 114-115).
They presuppose principles, that is, they summarize a general application of a judicial philosophy (p. 116).
They are restricted to matters within the competence of the local secular jurisdiction (p. 117).
They are neutral with regard to Israelite distinctives (p. 119).
Their concern is with achieving a just balance between competing claims (p. 123).
They show no dependence upon the national religion (p. 123).
They are secular in outlook (pp. 124, 126).
They are much like many laws in the non-Israelite cultures of the region, suggesting that their origin is non-Israelite (pp. 124-125).

References
1 "The Origins of Israelite Law," in: Essays on Old Testament History and Religion, [by] Albrecht Alt; translated by R. A. Wilson (Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, 1967): pp. 101-171, especially pp. 112-132. With regard to the connection between the Book of the Covenant and Deuteronomy 22, see specifically pp. 112-113. Translation of: "Die Ursprung des Israelitischen Rechts" (1934).
2 The Book of the Covenant is also known as the Covenant Code. Mishpatim is the Hebrew word sometimes used. It is the word often translated as "ordinances" in Exodus 21:1. In Jewish Bibles, Parashas Mishpatim = Exodus 21-24.

Contrast apodictic law (q.v.). See also moral code, moral law, moral precept, sexual immorality, sexual morality.

x Bible.

catamite:

A youthful male sex partner (q.v.) of a significantly older male.

Comments: The term is said to derive from the name, "Ganymede." In Greek mythology, the beautiful Ganymede was the cupbearer for Zeus. (The story appears frequently in ancient literature starting in Homer, Iliad 5.265f; 20.232f.) About Ganymede, Plato represented an Athenian as saying: "And you know it is our universal accusation against the Cretans that they were the inventors of the tale of Ganymede; they were convinced, we say, that their legislation came from Zeus, so they went on to tell this story against him that they might, if you please, plead his example for their indulgence in this pleasure too" (Laws 1.636d, translated by A. E. Taylor).¹

Some of the Greek synonyms for the "passive party" in a male homosexual encounter include: hapalos, erômenos, euruprôktos, katapygôn, kinaidos, lakkoprôktos, leios, leukos, malakos, pathikos, paidika, and pornos. Some of the Latin terms include cinaedus, catamitus, pathicus, and qui muliebria patitur.

For lexical example and a partial list of synonyms, see under "pederast."

Reference

1 The Collected Dialogues of Plato, Including the Letters, edited by Edith Hamilton and Huntington Cairns; with introduction and prefatory notes (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, c1961; in: Bollingen Series; 71): p. 1237.

Contrast pederast (q.v.). See also active-passive split, arsenokoitês, cinaedus, gay male, gugusse, gunsel, homosexual, ingle, Lasterkatalog, malakos, man-boy love, pathic, pornos, sodomite.

Reference
1 The Collected Dialogues of Plato, Including the Letters, edited by Edith Hamilton and Huntington Cairns; with introduction and prefatory notes (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, c1961; in: Bollingen Series; 71): p. 1237.

x eromenos.

x Greek terms.

x Latin terms.

x myths.

catch:

A person whom one has attracted or wooed and with whom one has established a love relationship or to whom one has become engaged or married.

For lexical example, see under "fish."

See also bride, fiancé, fiancée, goner, groom, lover, perfect catch, relationship material, spouse.

catch feelings:

To develop a romantic attachment to a person, especially as a result of having engaged in sexual activity with that person.

Comment: This is teenage slang from the first decade of the Twenty-First Century and is often associated with hooking up. "They hooked up and she caught feelings." "He's holding back because he's afraid he'll catch feelings for me."

See also fall in love, frisson, hook up.

catch (someone) on the rebound:

1. To become engaged to a person after he or she has been recently refused for marriage by another.

2. To establish a love relationship with a person after he or she has been recently rejected by another.

3. To establish a love relationship with a person soon after he or she has broken up with another, that is, while he or she is still under the strong sway of the emotions associated with that break-up.

See also become engaged, break-up, on the rebound, rebound affair, rebound relationship, settle for.

cate:

See kate.

Catherine the Great complex:

A psychological urge on the part of a woman to engage in sexual activity with more and more men. Named after Catherine II (1729-1796), the German-born empress of Russia, whose promiscuity (q.v.) became legendary.

Contrast Casanova complex (q.v.). See also andromania, libertinism, Messalina complex, nymphomania, sex maniac, sexual addiction, sexual varietism, Sherfey syndrome.

x complexes.

Caudle lecture:

A wife's private scolding or badgering of her husband.

Comments: This Caudle is not to be confused with the word, "coddle." The term is derived from Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures, by Douglas William Jerrold (1846).

See also curtain lecture, pillow talk.

x Mother Caudle lecture.

x Mrs. Caudle lecture.

cavalier:

A gallant male, especially one to whom a woman is attracted or who is escorting a woman.

See also beau, chivalry, escort, partner, plus one.

cavaliere servante (Italian):

1. A man who devotes himself to a woman, especially to a woman who is married to someone else.

2. A married woman's suitor or lover.

See also cicisbeo, cornutor, Frauendienst, gallant, gigolo, illicit lover, kept man, leman, lover, male concubine, other man, paramour, partner, spark, Sunday husband.

x Italian terms.

cavel:

1. One's lot in marriage; one's good or ill fortune with respect to one's marital partner(s) and relationships(s).

2. One's lot in life.

Comment: These are figurative senses of the term. Among the literal senses: (a) a lot that has been cast; (b) an oracular response; and (c) an allotment of land.

See also cagamosis, good match, happily married, marital blues, poor match, unhappily married.

CE:

Casual encounter (q.v.).

Céladon:

A lover who is more absorbed with the sentiments of love than the acts of love, after the hero of the romance, L'Astrée, by Honoré d'Urfe, published 1607-1627.

Comments: Presumably the color celadon (a sea green), certain sea-green Chinese wares, and a sea-green glaze are all named after this character, because of the pale green clothing actors who played him wore; although some conjecture that the true etymology has to do with a gift of such wares made by Saladin.

Celadon is also the name of a couple of unhappily portrayed characters in Ovid's Metamorphoses. See 5:144 and 12:250.

See also Don Juan, Lochinvar, Lothario, lover, Romeo.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Céladon"

[The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicomte de Valmont] But that young man [Danceny] is such a Céladon that, if we don't help him [become physical with Cécile Volanges], he will need so much time to surmount the smallest obstacles that he will leave us none to accomplish our ends.

From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 51, pp. 115-117, specifically p. 116. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.

[The French reads] ... mais le jeune homme est si Céladon, que, si nous ne l'aidons pas, il lui faudra tant de temps pour vaincre les plus légers obstacles, qu'il ne nous laissera pas celui d'effectuer notre projet.

From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 51, pp. [108]-110, specifically p. 109. The mark of omission is mine.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Céladon"
[The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicomte de Valmont] But that young man [Danceny] is such a Céladon that, if we don't help him [become physical with Cécile Volanges], he will need so much time to surmount the smallest obstacles that he will leave us none to accomplish our ends.
From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 51, pp. 115-117, specifically p. 116. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.
[The French reads] ... mais le jeune homme est si Céladon, que, si nous ne l'aidons pas, il lui faudra tant de temps pour vaincre les plus légers obstacles, qu'il ne nous laissera pas celui d'effectuer notre projet.
From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 51, pp. [108]-110, specifically p. 109. The mark of omission is mine.

celebrity couple:

A famous pair, especially one that has attained fame through the entertainment industry or politics.

See also couple, pair, power couple.

celebrity list:

See freebie list.

celebrity marriage:

1. A wedding in which at least one of the partners is famous.

2. A marital union in which at least one of the partners is famous.

Comment: On the one hand, celebrity marriages are often seen as trend setters with regard to cultural mores. On the other hand, they are often regarded as reflective of a particular segment of society sometimes given to aberrant behavior. In either case, their rough spots are often much in the public view.

See also marriage, wedding.

Entry added January 23, 2008

Celestial Marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between partners within the faith conceived of in Mormon doctrine as:

a covenant of exaltation through which the husband enters a priestly role;

everlasting in nature; and,

necessary for eternal life in its highest degree.

Comments: Ordinarily capitalized.

The official doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that Celestial Marriage is not synonymous with plural marriage. However, many Mormons outside of that church regard a plurality of wives in the present as necessary to the concept, in part because (it is said) that is to be consistent with the Abrahamic covenant and with Jesus' parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). Some answer that Celestial Marriage as plural marriage will recommence after the Second Coming.

See also cohab, hierogamy, eternal union, match made in heaven, "neither marry, nor are given in marriage," patriarchal marriage, plural marriage, plural wife, polygyny, spiritual marriage.

x Bible.

celibacy:

1. Living under the intent to refrain from either interpersonal or all sorts of sexual activity for a duration, perhaps for the rest of one's life, this intent being for either spiritual, awe-invoking, or political purposes in accordance with a religious vow. Celibacy is typically associated with monks, nuns, and priests, though not all; it is or is part of a calling, for which few are gifted, at least over the long-term; and it is generally practiced under spiritual direction (hence it is typically practiced within and under girds a hierarchy).

2. Refraining from marriage; singleness by intent.

3. Living with the intention to abstain from all sexual relations.

4. Living with the intention to abstain from all sexual activity, including both sexual relations and masturbation.

Celibacy is not to be confused with chastity (q.v.) or, in its first two senses, with abstinence (q.v.). See also asexuality, born-again virginity, celibate (noun), celibate (adjective), celibate marriage, claustration, clerical celibacy, clerical marriage, complete celibacy, continence, double monastery, "hate his wife," involuntary celibacy, Junior Anti-Sex League, mariage blanc, nonogamy, periodization, syneisaktism, virginity pledge, white marriage.

célibataire (French):

A single person; a bachelor or bachelorette.

Comment: In French, un célibataire refers to "a bachelor" and une célibataire refers to "a bachelorette." The word is sometimes anglicized by dropping the acute accent, thus: "celibataire."

See also bachelor, bachelorette, single.

x French terms.

celibate, as in "a celibate":

A person who practices celibacy.

See also agapêtê, agapêtos, asexual, celibacy, involuntary celibate, master of (one's) domain, single, subintroducta, syneisaktos, virginity pledger.

celibate:

Characterized by celibacy.

See also brideless, celibacy.

celibate marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which the spouses are refraining from sexual intercourse in accordance with a religious vow.

See also agapêtê, agapêtos, agenobiosis, celibacy, demi-vierge, diasteunia, drone, involuntary celibacy, mariage blanc, sexless marriage, spiritual marriage, subintroducta, syneisaktism, syneisaktos, white marriage.

cellular family:

A household with a nucleus of three or more adults and which operates under the understanding that others may be added by consent of all the adult partners.

See also compound family, expanded family, family, intentional family, non-monogamy, polyfamily.

cenogamist:

1. A participant in group marriage.

2. An advocate or supporter of group marriage.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "cenogamy," so here included.

See also cenogamy.

cenogamous:

1. Pertaining to group marriage (q.v.).

2. Participating in group marriage.

3. Inclined to participate in group marriage.

See also cenogamy.

cenogamy, or coenogamy:

1. "Shared sexual union" or "communal marriage"; two or more males sharing two or more female mates in common; two or more females sharing two or more male mates in common.

2. Sexual communism.

3. A marriage in which there is a community of husbands or wives.

4. The practice of participating as a partner in a group marriage or group love relationship (q.v.). (Note: This definition is given by analogy with many other words ending in "-gamy.")

See also cenogamist, cenogamous, communal marriage, -gamy, group marriage, harem, pantagamy, serial cenogamy, sexual communism, tribal marriage.

x coenogamy.

ceremonial law:

See moral precept.

ceremonial marriage:

A uniting in marriage (q.v.) that follows the process set out by civil law and that includes solemnization (q.v.) by a proper civil or ecclesiastical official.

See also belief in marriage, believe in marriage, family values, institutionalized marriage, legally married, marriage ceremony, spouse-of-record, wedding.

ceremony of many men:

See otiv bombari.

Cestus (Latin):

See girdle of Venus.

chains of affection:

Sexual encounters and relationships over time that informally link people together as a network, whether individuals are linked directly or indirectly and whether the network is understood abstractly or concretely -- concretely, for instance, with regard to the potential for the transmission of a sexually transmitted disease if any in the network are inadequately protected upon exposure.

Example: "Chains of Affection: The Structure of Adolescent Romantic and Sexual Networks," [by] Peter S. Bearman, James Moody, [and] Katherine Stovel, American Journal of Sociology; v. 110, no. 1. (July 2004): pp. 44-91.

See also affection, bukis, buksvåger, buksvägerska, cycling, dating chain, distal partner, fluid-exchange network, intimate network, Langdon Chart, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, love tangle, poly web, proximal partner, romantic network, safe sex circle, sexual connection, sexual network, sexual relationship, ungetaken.

chakra puja (Sanskrit):

"Circle worship"; a Tantric ritual for the celebration of the goddess and of life, a ritual which typically involves between eight and forty-eight women and men in equal numbers and which includes sexual union.

Comment: Sometimes transliterated cakra puja.

See also choli marg, panchamakara.

x cakra puja.

x circle worship.

x Sanskrit terms.

x Tantrism.

changing wives (game):

See doused lights.

chaperon, or chaperone, as in "a chaperone":

A person whose accompanying presence is meant to ensure sexual propriety on the part of others; for instance, a married adult might serve as a chaperone with a couple on a date or at a party of young people.

See also chaperone (verb), date, fifth wheel, third wheel.

chaperon, or chaperone, as in "to chaperone":

To serve as a chaperone (q.v.).

charity date auction:

See date auction.

charity slave auction:

1. A public fundraising event on behalf of a nonprofit organization, an event where bids are made for the privilege of obtaining temporary control over a person who has volunteered to make him or herself available for the purpose, such bidding generally occurring multiple times according to the number of volunteers.

2. A fundraising event within the BDSM community on behalf of a nonprofit organization, an event where bids are made for obtaining temporary control over submissives. (BDSM stands for "bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.")

Comment: Regarding the first sense, typically the understanding is that a "slave" will not be told to do anything that is illegal, contrary to conscience, or otherwise unreasonable. Nudity and sexual relations are often, but not always, excluded. The "slave" may be told by his or her owner to do something embarrassing or menial, may be told to utilize his or her special skills on behalf of the "owner," or may be told to engage in one or more social events with the "owner."

The point is fun for charity; but the very idea of a slave auction, being reminiscent of slavery, is offensive to many people.

Sometimes terms are used that are more suggestive of the sort of services that will be provided; for instance, "geek auction" and "nerd auction" are terms used when the bidding is for people who will provide computer services and perhaps more, although such events are not always for charity organizations.

See also bachelor auction, bachelorette auction, basket auction, date auction.

x auction.

x geek auction.

x nerd auction.

x slave auction.

chaste:

Characterized by chastity (q.v.).

Contrast unchaste (q.v.). See alos moral.

chastity:

1. Purity of conscience, with respect to one's sexual activity, relative to a moral code.

2. Keeping one's sexual activity within acceptable limits, as those limits are defined by advocates of sexual restraint within society or religion. Typically this means refraining from engagement in sexual activity with another except within the bond of marriage.

3. The state of refraining from or having refrained from all sexual relations.

4. The state of refraining from or having refrained from all sexual activity.

5. The state of refraining from or having refrained from both all sexual activity and all fantasy regarding sexual activity that is considered illicit.

6. Free of the disturbances of sexual desire in such a way that one not only can and does live as a nonsexual being but also delights in doing so. (For illustration, see quotation below.)

Comment: Chastity is a form of the virtue of faithfulness to an ideal.

Not to be confused with abstinence (q.v.) or celibacy (q.v.). See also aterpism, born-again virginity, chaste, continence, family values, girdle of Venus, intramarital chastity, love-lacking (which see for lexical example), Madonna-whore complex, morality, no sex outside of marriage, public character of sex, purity, ruin, secondary virginity, sexual morality, traditional morality, unchaste, virginity, virginity pledge, virtue.

Quotations from John Cassian Illustrating "Chastity"

[12.10.1, Abba Chaeremon speaking to Germanus] But chastity subsists not -- as you think -- thanks to a rigorous defense but rather by love of itself and by delight in its own purity. For it is not chastity but abstinence when adverse pleasure still offers some resistance.

[12.11.1] ... perfect chastity is distinguished from the toilsome rudiments of abstinence by its perpetual tranquility. For this is the consummation of true chastity, which does not fight the movements of carnal lust but detests them with utter horror, maintaining a constant and inviolable purity for itself. This can be nothing else than holiness.

John Cassian (ca. 360-ca. 435), Collationes Patrum 10:11; 11:1; as rendered into English from the Latin in: John Cassian: The Conferences, translated and annotated by Boniface Ramsey (New York, N.Y.: Newman Press, c1997; in series: Ancient Christian Writers; no. 57): pp. 447, 448.

Quotations from Richard Carlile Illustrating "Chastity"

[33] But the idea that the species of chastity, which consists of a constrained abstinence from sexual commerce, is a virtue whatever may be the evils which follow it, and that the indulgence of choice in all cases is a vice, should be combated as an unjust inference. Chastity in a philosophical and moral sense, is the power of mind that resists mercenary or degrading commerce; that disposition of mind which gratifies itself upon the honourable principle of mutual equality, mutual desire and mutal pleasure is unfairly and most unreasonably called unchaste.

[34] True chastity is that of the mind which can examine itself and be satisfied as to the purity and utility of its motives.

From: Every Woman's Book, [by Richard Carlile] (4th ed. London: R. Carlile, 1826): pp. 33, 34; as reprinted in: What is Love? Richard Carlile's Philosophy of Sex, [by] M. L. Bush (London; New York: Verso, 1998): p. 97.

Quotations from John Cassian Illustrating "Chastity"
[12.10.1, Abba Chaeremon speaking to Germanus] But chastity subsists not -- as you think -- thanks to a rigorous defense but rather by love of itself and by delight in its own purity. For it is not chastity but abstinence when adverse pleasure still offers some resistance.
[12.11.1] ... perfect chastity is distinguished from the toilsome rudiments of abstinence by its perpetual tranquility. For this is the consummation of true chastity, which does not fight the movements of carnal lust but detests them with utter horror, maintaining a constant and inviolable purity for itself. This can be nothing else than holiness.
John Cassian (ca. 360-ca. 435), Collationes Patrum 10:11; 11:1; as rendered into English from the Latin in: John Cassian: The Conferences, translated and annotated by Boniface Ramsey (New York, N.Y.: Newman Press, c1997; in series: Ancient Christian Writers; no. 57): pp. 447, 448.

Quotations from Richard Carlile Illustrating "Chastity"
[33] But the idea that the species of chastity, which consists of a constrained abstinence from sexual commerce, is a virtue whatever may be the evils which follow it, and that the indulgence of choice in all cases is a vice, should be combated as an unjust inference. Chastity in a philosophical and moral sense, is the power of mind that resists mercenary or degrading commerce; that disposition of mind which gratifies itself upon the honourable principle of mutual equality, mutual desire and mutal pleasure is unfairly and most unreasonably called unchaste.
[34] True chastity is that of the mind which can examine itself and be satisfied as to the purity and utility of its motives.
From: Every Woman's Book, [by Richard Carlile] (4th ed. London: R. Carlile, 1826): pp. 33, 34; as reprinted in: What is Love? Richard Carlile's Philosophy of Sex, [by] M. L. Bush (London; New York: Verso, 1998): p. 97.

chastity circle:

A group of people who support each other in a commitment to personal chastity (q.v.), especially a group of singles who support each other in a commitment to refrain from sexual relations until marriage.

See also abstinence pledge, purity ball, safe sex circle, virginity pledge.

x circles.

chat cheat:

1. A married person or a person in a committed relationship who has cybersex with or who otherwise develops an intimate online relationshp with someone met in a chat room, not his or her "real-life" partner, this in violation of that partner's relationship expectations.

2. A person who neglects or deceives or violates the wishes of a cybersex partner with whom he or she has trysts in a chat room by engaging in cybersex with somebody else.

Comments: Generally a pejorative term.

A chat room is an Internet site where people can meet and converse by keyboard (and increasingly by other means) in real time.

By "real life" is meant "as opposed to virtual activities," that is, as opposed to life lived out inside computers.

See also cheat, cyberadultery, cyber-betrayal, cyber-cheating, cyber-infidelity, cyber relationship, online relationship, sexting, virtual adultery.

chat up:

1. To engage in casual conversation.

2. To engage in flirtatious conversation.

See also come on to, flirt, hit on.

chat-up line:

A remark, commonly a prepared remark, used in order to initiate contact with a person of a complementary sexual orientation, contact that might lead to a sexual encounter or a romantic relationship.

Comment: It is often assumed that chat-up lines function to pique interest, but they may often function more as filters: Those who don't respond favorably are not the type being sought.

See also approach invitation, come-on, flirtation, love line, opening line, pick-up line, proposition.

x line.

chauvinism:

See female chauvinism, male chauvinism, sexual chauvinism.

cheap affair:

1. An inexpensive matter.

2. A loveless and uncommitted sexual relationship.

3. A sexual relationship without prospects of becoming serious, for instance, because of a class difference.

See also affair, affair of the flesh, casual relationship, sexual relationship, short-term relationship.

cheap date:

1. Someone of a complementary sexual orientation who is easy to entertain inexpensively.

2. A person who holds low expectations of what she or he will be treated to in the course of a social activity with another person of complementary sexual orientation.

3. An inexpensive social activity with someone, or even more than one person, of complementary sexual orientation.

Comment: Regarding the first two senses, often the overtone is that the "cheap date" is low class or has low self-esteem, especially in the expression, "I'm not a cheap date"; alternatively that she or he is not predominantly materialistic or cares much more about the person being dated than about the expense of the social activity. Jocularly a fundraiser might say, "I'm not a cheap date."

See also date (two entries), low maintenance.

cheat (as in "a cheat"):

1. A person who engages in sexual activity with one or more people without the consent of one's love relationship partner(s) and contrary to the relationship understanding, whether tacit or explicit.

2. A person who uses trickery to gain a dishonest advantage.

Comment: Often the word "cheater" is used instead for the second sense.

See also adulterer, adulteress, bedswerver, chat cheat, cheat, half-worker, pornos, sex cheat, spousebreach, spousebreaker, two-timer, whore.

cheat (as in "to cheat"):

1. To engage in sexual activity with one or more people without the consent of one's love relationship partner(s) and contrary to the relationship understanding, whether tacit or explicit.

2. To use trickery to gain a dishonest advantage.

Comment: If the partner is mentioned, then commonly the construction "cheat on" is used, for instance: "They cheated on each other."

See also action on the side, alternative dating, betray, carry on, cheat, cheating curve, cheatin' heart, commit adultery, cyber-cheating, emotional cheating, extra-pair copulation, fool around, hundred-mile rule, infidelity, multilateral sexuality, non-consensual adultery, on the down low, overlapping, run astray, secret-false, sex cheat, share (one's) favors, tip, unfaithfulness, yard on.

cheating curve:

The range of what is considered to constitute infidelity in relation to how much a variety of individuals wish to push the boundaries of infidelity, as graphed.

Comment: The concept of a cheating curve is more a witticism than a practical tool, since not all forms of possible infidelity are considered by all to be on the same continuum -- for example, physical, emotional, and in relation to an arrangement. However, it could lend itself to practical use (for instance, in research) if one continuum is taken at a time.

See also cheat, emotional infidelity, infidelity, unfaithfulness.

Quotation from "Sex and the City" Illustrating "Cheating Curve"

Carrie Bradshaw (as played by Sarah Jessica Parker): Well, I think maybe there's a cheating curve. That someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.

Miranda Hobbes (as played by Cynthia Nixon): That's moral relativism!

Carrie: I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating.

From the American HBO TV series, "Sex and the City," season 2, episode 6 (or 18 of the series), "The Cheating Curve," John David Coles, director; Darren Star, writer (first aired, July 11, 1999).

Quotation from "Sex and the City" Illustrating "Cheating Curve"
Carrie Bradshaw (as played by Sarah Jessica Parker): Well, I think maybe there's a cheating curve. That someone's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat. Miranda Hobbes (as played by Cynthia Nixon): That's moral relativism! Carrie: I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating.
From the American HBO TV series, "Sex and the City," season 2, episode 6 (or 18 of the series), "The Cheating Curve," John David Coles, director; Darren Star, writer (first aired, July 11, 1999).

cheatin' heart or cheating heart:

A set of feelings that spurs a person in a closed relationship to want a different lover, especially as those feelings are seen in retrospect after the person has taken a different lover.

Comment: This is often an allusion to the Hank Williams country song, "Your Cheatin' Heart," which was originally recorded in 1952.

See also cheat, false heart, heart.

x your cheatin' heart

chemical and scent-free dating:

See scent-free dating.

chemistry:

1. Whatever combination of personal elements it is that proves the decisive, albeit often indefinable factor in the formation and sustaining of affection and other emotional aspects of a particular relationship, especially as opposed to the obvious, whether the obvious be, for instance:

physical appearance, as when each individual knows what the other looks like either from direct observation or from photographs and yet more is needed for the start-up of a genuine relationship;

ease and intimacy in chatting online or in communicating through messages, as opposed to what happens between individuals when they meet in person;

physical magnetism, as opposed to the right combination of elements needed for sustaining a long-distance relationship by letters, online communication, telephone, and such means. This being a rare usage, an example is in order: "Every year at the conference reception we'd be drawn to each other across the crowded room and then were almost inseparable while there together, but we didn't have sufficient chemistry online to sustain a close relationship."

2. In the performing arts, a strong audience appeal in the interactions between particular performers, which would be absent or different should other performers play the same parts.

Comments on the first definition: The chemistry image, which is drawn from science, applies to both friendships and love relationships.

The imagery is flexible, for it can refer, for instance, to a smooth mix or to catalysis or to the formation of something new from the sets of elements contributed or to the combustibility of the passions when brought together.

Beware using the cliché, often seen in personal ads, that runs more or less along these lines: "What I'm looking for in a man (or woman) is chemistry." It goes without saying; besides which chemistry, if effective, isn't just a one-way phenomenon.

See also attraction, chemistry of love, enchantment, frisson, infatuation, je ne sais quoi, kavorka, kuzbu, law of attraction, Laws of Lovers' Passion, limerence, lovemap, love-passion, magnetism, new relationship energy, passionate love, personal ad, proceptive phase, shiksappeal, template (for a lover), x-factor, za za zoo, zsa zsa zsu.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chemistry"

[Foxy] "... Anyway, Piet, who knows why women like some men and don't like others? Chemistry? ..."

From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 249.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chemistry"
[Foxy] "... Anyway, Piet, who knows why women like some men and don't like others? Chemistry? ..."
From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 249.

chemistry of love:

1. Whatever combination of personal elements it is that proves the decisive, albeit often indefinable factor in the formation and sustaining of affection and other emotional aspects of a particular relationship.

2. The structure, properties, and physical reactions of any and all matter that contributes biologically to feelings associated with lust, crushes, and romance and to bonds of affection between individuals.

3. The science of the latter.

Comments: Much of the chemistry of love in the second sense is as yet not well understood and is still being unraveled. It includes, for instance:

genetic and hormonal make-up, for instance, with regard to the sort of sexual partner an individual will prefer;

chemical attractors or odor lures given off by the body in the form of pheromones, which in humans are exuded by the apocrine glands in the armpits, around the nipples, and in the groin;

the chemical make-up of a person that contributes to visual attractiveness, especially as determined by the onlooker's genetic drive for survival, for instance, in males testosterone, which produces rugged features, which sometimes characterize a strong immune system;

neurochemicals associated with falling in love, both those that increase in certain areas of the brain -- possibly phenylethylamine (PEA), norpinephrine, and dopamine, which can saturate or sensitize the limbic system in the brain¹ -- and those that decrease, possibly, for instance, serotonin.

chemicals associated with long-term bonding, such as the hormone, oxytocin;

the chemistry behind physiological responses in the reproductive system;

products designed for purposes of evoking sexual attraction by way of smell or ingestion, such as colognes, perfumes, and love potions; and,

aphrodisiacs designed to enhance sexual response; as well as medicinal products designed to treat sexual dysfunction, such as sildenafil citrate (Viagra, Revatio, Caverta) and tadalafil (Cialis).

Frequently the term is applied to just one or so of the above categories.

Reference

1 Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce, [by] Helen E. Fisher (New York: W. W. Norton, c1992): pp. 40-44, 51-55. From p. 315, note 5: "The term pheromone, coined in 1959, can be applied to any chemical substance that a creature excretes as a signal that elicits a specific, unlearned response in other creatures. Although creatures give off pheromones as repellants and for other uses, the term pheromone is generally used to describe sex attractants."

For her more recent book on the subject, see: Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, [by] Helen Fisher (New York : Henry Holt, 2004).

See also acceptive phase, aphrodisiac, attraction, chemistry, conceptive phase, crush, elixir of love, infatuation, in love, limbic resonance, limerence, love, love-passion, love potion, love withdrawal, lust, mate value, new relationship energy, passionate love, perfume, philter, proceptive phase, romance drive, scent-free dating, sex drive, sexual desire, vibe, wired, withdrawal anguish.

Reference
1 Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce, [by] Helen E. Fisher (New York: W. W. Norton, c1992): pp. 40-44, 51-55. From p. 315, note 5: "The term pheromone, coined in 1959, can be applied to any chemical substance that a creature excretes as a signal that elicits a specific, unlearned response in other creatures. Although creatures give off pheromones as repellants and for other uses, the term pheromone is generally used to describe sex attractants." For her more recent book on the subject, see: Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, [by] Helen Fisher (New York : Henry Holt, 2004).

x dopamine.

x oxytocin.

x pheromone.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chemistry of Love"

Of Piet she [Georgene] expected nothing except that he continue to exist and unwittingly illumine her life. She had willed herself open to him and knew that the chemistry of love was all within her, her doing. Even his power to wound her with neglect was a power she had created and granted; whatever he did he could not escape the province of her freedom, her free decision to love.

From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 382.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chemistry of Love"
Of Piet she [Georgene] expected nothing except that he continue to exist and unwittingly illumine her life. She had willed herself open to him and knew that the chemistry of love was all within her, her doing. Even his power to wound her with neglect was a power she had created and granted; whatever he did he could not escape the province of her freedom, her free decision to love.
From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 382.

Quotations from Lauren Slator Regarding the Chemistry of Love

[35] [Helen] Fisher [of Rutgers University, New Jersey] has devoted much of her career to studying the biochemical pathways of love in all its manifestations: lust, romance, attachment, the way they wax and wane...

One of Fisher's central pursuits in the past decade has been looking at love, quite literally, with the aid of an MRI [magnetic resonance imaging] machine. Fisher and her colleagues Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown recruited subjects who had been "madly in love" for an average of seven months. Once inside the MRI machine, subjects were shown two photographs, one neutral, the other of their loved one.

... When each subject looked at his or her loved one, the parts of the brain linked to reward and pleasure -- the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus -- lit up. What excited Fisher most was not so much finding a location, an address, for love as tracing its specific chemical pathways. Love lights up the caudate nucleus because it is home to a dense spread of receptors for a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which Fisher came to think of as part of our own endogenous love potion.

[38] [Donatella] Marazziti [of the University of Pisa, Italy] compared the lovers' serotonin levels with those of a group of people suffering from OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] and another group who were free from both passion and mental illness. Levels of serotonin in both the obsessives' blood and the lovers' blood were 40 percent lower than those in her normal subjects.

[39] What [Claus] Wedekind [of the University of Lausanne, Switzerland] found was that women preferred the scent of a T-shirt worn by a man whose genotype was most different from hers, a genotype that, perhaps, is linked to an immune system that possesses something hers does not. In this way she increases the chance that her offspring will be robust.

[45] From a physiological point of view, this couple has moved from the dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin-induced attachment. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection, bonding. It is released [for instance] when we hug our long-term spouses, or our children.

From: "Love" = Cover title: "Love: The Chemical Reaction" = Table of contents title: "True Love," by Lauren Slater; photographs by Jodi Cobb, in: National Geographic; v. 209, no. 2 (February 2006): pp. 32-49, specifically pp. 35, 38, 39, 45.

Quotations from Lauren Slator Regarding the Chemistry of Love
[35] [Helen] Fisher [of Rutgers University, New Jersey] has devoted much of her career to studying the biochemical pathways of love in all its manifestations: lust, romance, attachment, the way they wax and wane... One of Fisher's central pursuits in the past decade has been looking at love, quite literally, with the aid of an MRI [magnetic resonance imaging] machine. Fisher and her colleagues Arthur Aron and Lucy Brown recruited subjects who had been "madly in love" for an average of seven months. Once inside the MRI machine, subjects were shown two photographs, one neutral, the other of their loved one. ... When each subject looked at his or her loved one, the parts of the brain linked to reward and pleasure -- the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus -- lit up. What excited Fisher most was not so much finding a location, an address, for love as tracing its specific chemical pathways. Love lights up the caudate nucleus because it is home to a dense spread of receptors for a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which Fisher came to think of as part of our own endogenous love potion.
[38] [Donatella] Marazziti [of the University of Pisa, Italy] compared the lovers' serotonin levels with those of a group of people suffering from OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder] and another group who were free from both passion and mental illness. Levels of serotonin in both the obsessives' blood and the lovers' blood were 40 percent lower than those in her normal subjects.
[39] What [Claus] Wedekind [of the University of Lausanne, Switzerland] found was that women preferred the scent of a T-shirt worn by a man whose genotype was most different from hers, a genotype that, perhaps, is linked to an immune system that possesses something hers does not. In this way she increases the chance that her offspring will be robust.
[45] From a physiological point of view, this couple has moved from the dopamine-drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin-induced attachment. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection, bonding. It is released [for instance] when we hug our long-term spouses, or our children.
From: "Love" = Cover title: "Love: The Chemical Reaction" = Table of contents title: "True Love," by Lauren Slater; photographs by Jodi Cobb, in: National Geographic; v. 209, no. 2 (February 2006): pp. 32-49, specifically pp. 35, 38, 39, 45.

cherish:

1. To regard as precious to oneself.

2. To love dearly.

See also adore, fond of, like, love.

cherub; plural, cherubim or cherubs:

1. In the Bible, winged creatures (as at Genesis 3:24) or representations thereof, some with two faces (per Ezekiel 41:18-19), which ordinarily were stationed at sacred places. The usual plural is "cherubim" (following the Hebrew).

2. A cupid, typically portrayed as a chubby infant with wings. The usual plural is "cherubs."

3. A beautiful or beloved woman. The usual plural is "cherubs."

Comment: In English, an alternative plural form, "cherubin," has often been treated as a singular; thus we sometimes see the redundant plural, "cherubins."

See also amoretto, attractive, babies-in-the-eyes, bellibone, beloved, betty, Cupid's golden arrow, eye candy, fox, God's gift to men, look babies, sex god, sex goddess, tottie.

x Bible.

chevese:

A female lover (q.v.); a mistress (q.v.); a concubine (q.v.).

Comment: "Cheves-born" means born of a concubine and typically carries the overtones of the word "bastard."

See also leman.

chick:

1. A young chicken, either male or female.

2. A human child.

3. A girl or young woman, and, by extension, any human female.

4. A girlfriend.

Comment: On the one hand, some regard the term to be demeaning when applied to a human female, perhaps because of the association with an instinctual breed used for food, namely chickens, perhaps because of an association with immaturity. On the other hand, some women take delight in being called chicks, perhaps because of associations with the lightness of youth.

See also girlfriend.

chicken party:

1. A social gathering where certain poultry (Gallus gallus domesticus) is on display or the meat of that poultry is consumed.

2. A social gathering that features young male homosexuals.

3. A social gathering that features fellatio, usually as performed by one or more women; called a chicken party because of the bobbing of heads.

See also gay male, group sex, homosexual, rainbow party, sex party.

x party.

chick magnet:

A person who attracts many a female.

See also attraction, kavorka, kuzbu, magnetism, shiksappeal.

child-betrothal:

Pledging a child to be married to a specified person.

See also betrothal.

child-bride:

1. A young fiancée.

2. A human female who marries at a young age or while still immature, especially one who is married before puberty.

3. A young or immature wife.

Contrast child-husband (q.v.). See also bride, child marriage, fiancée, girl-bride, partner, precocity of marriage, wife.

childhood incest:

Sexual relations between a child before or during puberty and a close relative, such as a parent, a sibling, an uncle, or an aunt, especially where the social definition of incest (q.v.) is met.

Comments: Some reserve the term for heterosexual intercourse between blood relations. Others extend the term to cover even homosexual petting between affinal relations. In some usage, the "child" may even be a post-pubescent adolescent.

See also pederast.

child-husband:

1. A young fiancé.

2. A human male who marries at a young age or while still immature, especially one who is married before puberty.

3. A young or immature husband.

Contrast child-bride (q.v.). See also boy bridegroom, bridegroom, child marriage, fiancé, groom, husband, partner, precocity of marriage.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Child-husband"

The child [Anna Brangwen] who clung to him [Tom Brangwen, her father] wanted her child-husband [Will Brangwen, her fiancé].

From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 4, pp. 117.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Child-husband"
The child [Anna Brangwen] who clung to him [Tom Brangwen, her father] wanted her child-husband [Will Brangwen, her fiancé].
From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 4, pp. 117.

child marriage, or child-marriage:

1. Marrying pre-pubescents to each other, typically for financial or political reasons.

2. Marriage of a pre-pubescent or a person legally considered a minor to an adult.

See also age of consent, break-up rules, child-bride, child-husband, marriage, precocity of marriage.

child support:

Court-ordered payment or payments by a parent to another person, typically an ex-spouse, in whose custody his or her child or children are.

See also alimony, displaced homemaker, estovers, palimony.

Chinese terms:

See chin-than, walk-in marriage (zou hun).

chin-than (Chinese):

Ritual defloration by a priest prior to the girl's marriage.

See also ius primae noctis.

x Chinese terms.

Quotation from Edward Westermarck Illustrating "Chin-Than"

In the old kingdom of Cambodia, according to a Chinese account from the end of the thirteenth century, parents chose Buddhist or Taouist [sic] priests to deprive their daughters of their virginity before marriage. This ceremony, which was called chin-than, was performed on a certain day once a year, which was fixed by the magistrate of the place. Each priest was allowed to deflower one girl only every year, and he was handsomely rewarded for his service.

From: The History of Human Marriage, by Edward Westermarck (5th ed., rewritten. Bew York: Allerton Book Co., 1922): chapter 5, v. 1, p. 170.

Quotation from Edward Westermarck Illustrating "Chin-Than"
In the old kingdom of Cambodia, according to a Chinese account from the end of the thirteenth century, parents chose Buddhist or Taouist [sic] priests to deprive their daughters of their virginity before marriage. This ceremony, which was called chin-than, was performed on a certain day once a year, which was fixed by the magistrate of the place. Each priest was allowed to deflower one girl only every year, and he was handsomely rewarded for his service.
From: The History of Human Marriage, by Edward Westermarck (5th ed., rewritten. Bew York: Allerton Book Co., 1922): chapter 5, v. 1, p. 170.

chippy, as in "a chippy":

1. A sexually promiscuous woman, especially one who sometimes prostitutes herself.

2. A young woman.

Comments: Possibly from the French, chipie, "hag" or "shrewish woman," which in turn may be derived from chiper + pie, "to steal" + "magpie," so "thieving magpie." However, "chippy" is sometimes closely associated with the word "cheap," hence "a cheapy"? (Or is the association simply because of a susceptibility to alliteration?) Other etymologies have been proposed, for instance that "chippy" is derived from "chipping sparrow," the sounds of frivolity being the connection.

Evidently the first sense is used in the United States, Canada, and Australia; the second in Australia.

See also blowen, chippy, courtesan, doxy, güila, hoe, moll, parnel, slut, squaw, tottie, whore.

x French terms.

chippy, as in "to chippy":

To seek out one or more loose women for sex, even if payment for sex is involved.

Contrast go cougaring (q.v.). See also chippy, cruise, hit on, nanpa, pick up, solicit.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "Chippying"

... the very guys who are out chippying night after night are the ones who go right straight up at the first hint of infidelity on the part of their wives.

From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): p. 133.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "Chippying"
... the very guys who are out chippying night after night are the ones who go right straight up at the first hint of infidelity on the part of their wives.
From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): p. 133.

chivalry:

1. The gallant and courteous ways of the ideal knight.

2. Gallantry on the part of one or more human males towards one or more human females or towards human females in general, as expressed, for instance, in protectiveness and in putting them ahead of self.

3. A code of love informed by the ways of medieval knights, at least in the romantic imagination.

See also cavalier, courtly love.

Quotation from Meg Bogin Illustrating "Chivalry"

Over the course of the twelfth century, in the hands of a thicket of talented poets, Guilhem's conceits evolved into the complex code of love that later generations have called chivalry.

From: The Women Troubadoursrs, [by] Meg Bogin (New York: W. W. Norton, 1980): p. 39. Originally published, New York: Paddington Press, 1976.

The reference is to the troubadour, Guilhem de Poitou (1071-1127), also known as Guillaume IX, whose lyrics may be found in: Lyrics of the Troubadours and Trouvères: An Anthology and a History, translations and introductions by Frederick Goldin (Garden City, N.Y.: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1973; "Anchor Books"): pp. 20-49.

Quotation from Meg Bogin Illustrating "Chivalry"
Over the course of the twelfth century, in the hands of a thicket of talented poets, Guilhem's conceits evolved into the complex code of love that later generations have called chivalry.
From: The Women Troubadoursrs, [by] Meg Bogin (New York: W. W. Norton, 1980): p. 39. Originally published, New York: Paddington Press, 1976. The reference is to the troubadour, Guilhem de Poitou (1071-1127), also known as Guillaume IX, whose lyrics may be found in: Lyrics of the Troubadours and Trouvères: An Anthology and a History, translations and introductions by Frederick Goldin (Garden City, N.Y.: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1973; "Anchor Books"): pp. 20-49.

choice mom:

A single woman who has chosen to become a mother while single, for instance, by way of sperm donation.

Comment: Coined by Mikki Morrissette.

See also maternity, mother, only parent, out of wedlock, parent without partner, single parent, sperm donor.

choice of one's heart:

1. A partner or prospective partner selected because one has fallen in love with or at least come to love that person.

2. A decision made from the seat of one's emotions.

See also heart, in love, love marriage, love-match, marriage by inclination, marriage of inclination, partner, romantic marriage.

Quotation from Susan Ferrier Illustrating "Choice of One's Heart"

Lord Courtland hemmed. "Then I suppose I am to understand that you prefer the single state and poverty?"

[Lady Juliana] "Dear papa! you quite misunderstand me; I only meant that -- that it was nothing to be poor when -- when" ------

"When what?" demanded the earl, angrily.

"When united to the choice of one's heart," answered the lady, in a very romantic key.

From: Marriage, [by] Susan Ferrier; with a new introduction by Rosemary Ashton (New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books; [London]: Virago Press, 1986): chapter 1, p. 3. Originally published anonymously: Edinburgh: Wm. Blackwood, 1818.

Quotation from Susan Ferrier Illustrating "Choice of One's Heart"
Lord Courtland hemmed. "Then I suppose I am to understand that you prefer the single state and poverty?" [Lady Juliana] "Dear papa! you quite misunderstand me; I only meant that -- that it was nothing to be poor when -- when" ------ "When what?" demanded the earl, angrily. "When united to the choice of one's heart," answered the lady, in a very romantic key.
From: Marriage, [by] Susan Ferrier; with a new introduction by Rosemary Ashton (New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books; [London]: Virago Press, 1986): chapter 1, p. 3. Originally published anonymously: Edinburgh: Wm. Blackwood, 1818.

choli marg:

A Tantric ritual wherein each of the participating women, upon entering the place of worship, removes her choli, an upper-body garment, and places it with others to be picked up by a man entering later; thereby it is determined who are to be partners in sexual union during the ritual.

Comment: I presume that this is a Sanskrit term, and that marg therefore means "to seek." Thus: "to seek a blouse."

See also chakra puja, key party, panchamakara.

x Sanskrit terms.

x seek a blouse.

x Tantrism.

chou; plural, choux (French):

Darling; dear; pet.

See also term of endearment.

x French terms.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chou"

[Harold little-Smith to his wife, Marcia] "Come on, mon petit chou ..."

From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 142. Mon petit chou = "My little darling."

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Chou"
*[Harold little-Smith to his wife, Marcia] "Come on, mon petit chou* ..."**
*From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 142. Mon petit chou* = "My little darling."**

Christian love:

See agapic love.

chubby chaser:

A person who prefers amorous pursuit of people who are not lean, but at least somewhat fat or full-bodied.

See also Mae West.

cicisbeo; plural, cicisbei:

A married woman's male lover (q.v.) other than her husband(s), especially a lover taken with the cognizance of her husband(s).

See also action on the side, alternate squeeze, boytoy, cavaliere servante, cornutor, gallant, gigolo, harem, illicit lover, kept man, leman, male concubine, ménage à trois, other man, out-of-marriage lover, paramour, partner, side squeeze, spark, Sunday husband, toy boy, wittol.

cinaedus (Latin):

1. A male homosexual of any age, especially one given to receiving the phallus.

2. A seductive dancer.

Comments: The Greek form is kinaidos.

For lexical example and a partial list of synonyms, see under "pederast."

See also active-passive split, catamite, gay male, homosexual, malakos, pathic, pederast, pornos, sodomite.

x Greek terms.

x Latin terms.

Cinderella complex:

A woman's fear of being independent and concommitant desire to be taken care of.

Source: The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, by Colette Dowling (New York: Summit Books, c1981).

See also doll's house marriage, "head of the wife."

x complexes.

Cinderella story:

A narrative regarding a woman's life insofar as it resembles the fairy tale "Cinderella," especially a romantic narrative of rising from humble origins, which perhaps included abuse and neglect, to marry for love a person who has a high station in life.

Comments: Many versions of the tale exist around the world, the earliest known of which is apparently from the First Century B.C.E. The version perhaps best known to English speakers was written in French by Charles Perrault (1628-1703) under the title "Cendrillon ou La petite pantoufle de verre," in his collection of fairy stories (commonly called Contes des fées). The collection was first published as:

Histoires, ou Contes du temps passé, avec des moralitez (Paris: C. Barbin, 1697), with the dedicatory epistle signed: "P. Darmancour. Le privilège est au nom du même."

Perrault d’Armancourt (b. 1678) was the last son of Charles Perrault, but the book was in fact written by Charles Perrault himself. An English translation of the book, with the fairy tale now entitled "Cinderella, or the Little Glass Slipper," was first published as:

Histories, or Tales of Past Times ...: With Morals, by M. Perrault; translated into English (London: J. Pote and R. Montagu, 1729), with the dedication signed: Robert Samber.

See also anuloma marriage, hypergamy, marry up, Prince Charming, romance.

x fairy tales.

x stories.

Earliest Known Version of "Cinderella"

They tell the fabulous story that, when she [Doricha or Rhodopis] was bathing, an eagle snatched one of her sandals from her maid and carried it to Memphis; and while the king was administering justice in the open air, the eagle, when it arrived above his head, flung the sandal into his lap; and the king, stirred both by the beautiful shape of the sandal and by the strangeness of the occurrence, sent men in all directions into the country in quest of the woman who wore the sandal; and when she was found in the city of Naucratis, she was brought up to Memphis, became the wife of the the king, and when she died was honoured with the above-mentioned tomb [Tomb of the Courtesan, a pyramid].

From: Strabo (ca. 64 B.C.E.-ca. 25 C.E.), Geôgraphikôn = Geographia 17.1.33, as rendered in: Geography, Book XVII [and] General Index, [by] Strabo; with an English translation by Horace Leonard Jones (Revised. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1935, 1996 printing; in series: The Loeb Classical Library; LCL 267): pp. 93, 95. Strabo calls Doricha "the beloved of Sappho's brother Charaxus."

Earliest Known Version of "Cinderella"
They tell the fabulous story that, when she [Doricha or Rhodopis] was bathing, an eagle snatched one of her sandals from her maid and carried it to Memphis; and while the king was administering justice in the open air, the eagle, when it arrived above his head, flung the sandal into his lap; and the king, stirred both by the beautiful shape of the sandal and by the strangeness of the occurrence, sent men in all directions into the country in quest of the woman who wore the sandal; and when she was found in the city of Naucratis, she was brought up to Memphis, became the wife of the the king, and when she died was honoured with the above-mentioned tomb [Tomb of the Courtesan, a pyramid].
From: Strabo (ca. 64 B.C.E.-ca. 25 C.E.), Geôgraphikôn = Geographia 17.1.33, as rendered in: Geography, Book XVII [and] General Index, [by] Strabo; with an English translation by Horace Leonard Jones (Revised. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1935, 1996 printing; in series: The Loeb Classical Library; LCL 267): pp. 93, 95. Strabo calls Doricha "the beloved of Sappho's brother Charaxus."

cinto d'Armida (Italian):

See Armida's girdle.

circles:

See chastity circle, closed circle of f*** buddies, cuddle circle, safe sex circle, sexual circle.

circle worship:

See chakra puja.

circuit party:

One of a sequence of gay dance events held around the world, originally to raise money for AIDS research. Some participants travel from event to event. Such gatherings have often been heavily associated with sex, even unsafe sex, and illegal drug use.

See also gay lifestyle, homosexuality.

x party.

Citherea's Ceston:

See Aphrodite's girdle, girdle of Venus.

civilian:

1. A non-military person.

2. A person who is not a law enforcement officer or a fire-fighter.

3. A person (it is usually a woman who is so-called) who provides sexual favors for free, as opposed to a sex worker.

Comment: In the last sense, a sex workers' term.

See also slut.

civil marriage:

1. A marriage (q.v.) that employs civil but not religious authority for official recognition, particularly one where the wedding is conducted by a civil magistrate.

2. A marriage recognized under law by a secular state, especially such a marriage that carries with it legal prerogatives and responsibilities. In this sense, even a religious marriage would ordinarily be also a civil marriage, so long as it is recognized by the state.

3. In many jurisdictions, a union recognized by the state between one man and one woman. In some jurisdictions that definition has been expanded to include also a union recognized by the state between two people of the same sex.

4. The set or idea of such marriages (by "such" meaning any of the preceding definitions).

Observation: That the state has the authority to give official recognition is a common element of statist philosophy. Some go so far as to say that it is the state that establishes marriage.

Contrast ecclesiastical marriage (q.v.) and marriage by contract (q.v.). See also belief in marriage, believe in marriage, gay marriage, irregular marriage, legally married, marriage ceremony, marriage license, separation of marriage and state, statism.

Quotation from Bishop Sotirios Illustrating "Civil Marriage"

A civil marriage or one by common law is not recognized by the Church.

From: Catechism: Basic Teachings of the Orthodox Faith, [by] Bishop Sotirios ([Toronto]: Greek Orthodox Diocese of Toronto (Canada), 1991): p. 98.

Quotation from Bishop Sotirios Illustrating "Civil Marriage"
A civil marriage or one by common law is not recognized by the Church.
From: Catechism: Basic Teachings of the Orthodox Faith, [by] Bishop Sotirios ([Toronto]: Greek Orthodox Diocese of Toronto (Canada), 1991): p. 98.

civil union:

1. A union between persons -- in all instances to date, two persons -- that is recognized by the state and that entails some or all of the prerogatives and responsibilities of a civil marriage.

2. The set or idea of such unions.

Comment: Sometimes the terms "civil marriage" (q.v.) and "civil union" are contrasted, "civil union" being the term used in reference to same-sex couples and "civil marriage" in reference to heterosexual couples. However, that distinction does not hold in all jurisdictions or in all discussions. Either can consist of a same-sex couple or a heterosexual couple.

See also civil marriage, domestic partnership, female marriage, gay marriage, homosexual marriage, male marriage, marriage, same-sex marriage.

clan:

1. A group of people who claim a common ancestor through either matrilineal or patrilineal descent.

2. A group of people living in the same vicinity who claim a common ancestor through either matrilineal or patrilineal descent.

3. A group of people who claim a common ancestor through matrilineal descent; the opposite of gens.

4. A group of families and/or individuals who have banded together in such a way that family-like relationships obtain between them, the usual implication being (when the term is used this way) that non-monogamy (q.v.) and varying levels of love relationships are part of the mix; a sub-unit of a tribe (q.v. in the second sense).

See also cognate, consanguinity, extended family, family, intimate network, kinship.

clandestine marriage:

1. Secret marriage (q.v.).

2. A marriage (q.v.) that has not been revealed to one's social group.

3. A marriage in which the prescribed modes of making it public have not been followed.

See also clandestine wedding, marriage of conscience, monogamism, occult marriage, secret love, shtille khuppeh, solemnization.

clandestine polygamy:

Ostensibly practicing monogamy-only (q.v.) while having one or more secret lovers to the side.

Comment: This is a widespread practice in many countries that officially accept a monogamy-only rule.

See also adultery, backdoor lover, de facto polygamy, extramarital affair, extramarital love affair, marriage, out-of-marriage love affair, polygamy.

clandestine wedding:

A secret marriage ceremony.

Contrast open wedding (q.v.). See also clandestine marriage, marriage of conscience, occult marriage, secret marriage, shtille khuppeh, wedding.

classification of relationships:

See five kinds of relationship.

class-marriage:

1. Marriages, collectively speaking, that occur between people of the same social stratum, rank, or caste.

2. A marriage within a given social stratum, rank, or caste.

See also hypergamy, hypogamy, marriage, marry down, marry up, mating gradient, order of the patched trousers, proper match.

claustration:

1. The practice of confining a woman in order to ensure that she does not have sexual relations with any man or any man other than her husband.

2. The practice of confining oneself, for instance to a monastery, and living a celibate life.

Comment: Claustration is not to be confused with accouchement, which is a period of confinement associated with pregnancy and childbirth.

See also harem, purdah; celibacy; unwelcome admixture with sexuality.

cleave:

1. To stick; to adhere.

2. A word used in the King James (Authorized) Version of the Bible and many another version to translate the qal form of the Hebrew word dābaq, which is employed most famously in regard to a man and his wife, this at Genesis 2:24, in the sense of "to stick," "to adhere," or "to be bonded." The verse reads: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

Comments: Past tense: "cleaved" or "clave"; past participle: "cleaved." Not to be confused with "cleave" in the sense of "to cut," a past tense form of which is "clove."

In Genesis 2:24, the ancient Greek version known as the Septuagint translates dābaq with proskollêthêsetai (lexical form: proskollaô), the infinitive of which means "to adhere closely to" or "to be faithfully devoted to." So does the New Testament quotation of the passage at Mark 10:7 (although some major manuscripts omit the phrase containing the word). The parallel use of the quotation in Matthew 19:5 uses the Greek word kollêthêsetai (lexical form: kollaô), the infinitive form of which means "to join oneself to," "to cling to," or "to associate with."

In the Latin version of the Bible known as the Vulgate, the word in all three passages is adhaerebit (lexical form: adhaereo), the infinitive of which means "to hang to," "to stick to," or "to adhere."

Compare, among other biblical passages that use the word dābaq, Genesis 34:3, Ruth 1:14, and 1 Kings 11:2.

See also conjoin, consort with, join, marry, mate, "one flesh," splice, uxorilocal residence, wed.

x Bible.

x Greek terms.

x Hebrew terms.

x Latin terms.

clerical celibacy:

Celibacy (q.v.) practiced by a member of the clergy.

clerical marriage:

A member of the clergy taking or having a spouse, typically as contrasted with clerical celibacy (q.v.).

See also dual relationship, hierogamy, "husband of one wife," marriage, pastor's husband, pastor's partner, pastor's wife, preacher's husband, preacher's partner, preacher's wife, rabbanit, rebbetzin, Sunday wife.

clericolagnia:

Sexual desire oriented to one or more members of the clergy at least in part because he, she, or they are either of the clergy or perform certain duties of the clergy; preference that a member of the clergy be one's sex partner.

Coined by me in 2004.

See also Florence Nightingale syndrome, gugusse, parnel, pastor's husband, pastor's partner, pastor's wife, petronalla, preacher's husband, preacher's partner, preacher's wife, Sunday wife.

clicket:

1. To be in heat, said of a bitch fox or doe hare or, metaphorically, of a woman.

2. To copulate, said of foxes or hares or, metaphorically, of people.

See also bream, eassin, go to his towrus, horny, kate, lust, make love to, sexual desire.

close, as in "close to you":

1. Feeling deep affection for one another, sharing private thoughts, and inclined to spend much time together in the pleasure of each other's company.

2. Near in relationship, as in "close relatives."

See also in (one's) life, intimacy, intimate companion, intimate friend, intimate friendship, intrinsic marriage, porcupine's dilemma, soul mate, together; kinship.

close, as in "to close":

See FMAC.

closed circle of f*** buddies:

A group whose members consciously decide not to have unprotected sex with anybody other than members of the group, this for the sake of avoiding sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Generally the commitment entails the avoidance as well of other risky behaviors that might introduce HIV/AIDS into the group. Commonly, testing for STDs plays a big role in such a circle, both to gain entry and to remain a member allowed to participate in unprotected sex after unprotected outside sexual contact or other possible exposure to an STD.

See also body fluid monogamy, closed loop relationship, condom commitment, fluid monogamy, f*** buddy, protected sex, safe sex circle.

x buddy.

x circles.

closed group marriage:

A formalized relationship of three or more people who have agreed to limit at least their sexual contacts and, in some cases, also their romantic involvements to their own members, except for the purpose of expanding the group by mutual agreement. In such a marriage, fidelity (q.v.) is defined relative to a group standard rather than a monogamous standard.

See also exclusivity, group marriage, letter group (P), marriage, open group marriage, polyfidelity, sexual exclusivity.

closed group swinging:

A form of recreational sex in which individuals will share their sex partners with each other, but not outside of their defined group.

Comment: This is distinguished from polyfidelity by its emphasis upon recreational sex rather than romantic love.

See also friends-first swinging, polyfidelity, swing.

closed loop relationship:

A relationship between two or more people in which there is an agreement to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to themselves, this as a protection against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

See also body fluid monogamy, closed circle of f*** buddies, condom commitment, fluid monogamy, protected sex, safe sex circle.

closed marriage:

1. A marriage (q.v.) that entails an agreement that there shall be no sexual liaison other than with one's marital partner or partners.

2. A marriage that entails an agreement that there shall be no relating of either a sexual or romantically emotional sort to anyone other than one's marital partner or partners, except, in the case of a non-monogamous marriage, for the purpose of expanding the group.

See also caging, exclusivity, monogamy, sexual exclusivity.

closed relationship:

A love relationship (q.v.) in which the members share a compact not to become either sexually or romantically involved with anyone outside the relationship.

See also exclusivity, free agent, letter group (P), lovestyle, monogamy, sexual exclusivity.

closed swinging:

A swing arrangement in which partners are swapped and sexual activity occurs in different rooms on the same premises.

Contrast open swinging (q.v.). See also swing.

closeted:

Characterized by having a deeply personal secret kept from certain people or most people, especially regarding one's sexuality, where there is a risk or fear of the revelation being received unfavorably.

Comments: Perhaps most commonly the term is applied to the concealment of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

Another way of saying "to stay closeted": "to remain in the closet." To cease being closeted is to come out of the closet.

See also absolute code, come out, on the down low, out of the closet.

x in the closet.

closet swinger:

1. A person who conceals his or her ploclivity for swinging from non-swingers.

2. A person who wishes to prevent key people in his or her life from knowing that he or she is a swinger.

See also out-of-the-closet swinger, swing, swinger.

club:

See key club, mile-high club, notional sex club, sex club, swap club, swing club, switch club, widows' club.

cluster f***:

1. A complex operation, especially a military operation, that is bungled.

2. Group sex (q.v.).

Comment: Compare the term, "Mongolian cluster," which is a group of people gathered around one person who is engaged in sexual activity with all of them simultaneously.

cluster marriage:

Several married couples living together and having sexual access to each other.

See also four-cornered marriage, good match, group marriage, heart-swapping, intermarital sex, marriage, new adultery, open marriage, tribal marriage.

clutching:

See double-clutching, multiple clutching.

clutch of lovers:

1. Three or more people in a love relationship (q.v.) who are physically entwined or within easy physical reach of one another.

2. Three or more people in a love relationship together who are sharing the same home.

Comment: Coined by T. Rifkin Elliott.

See also bevy of beloveds, bundle of freemates, cadre of beloveds, covey of lovers, cuddle of lovers, imbroglio of polyamours, lover, partner, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

Cnipperdolling:

See Knipperdolling.

cockblock, as in "a cockblock":

Any obstacle that prevents the initiation of a sexual encounter or relationship involving a male, especially in the context of an attempted pickup.

Comment: Since a common (or vulgar) word for the penis is part of this compound, the term is generally avoided in polite society.

See also anti-approach invitation, pickup, shield.

cockblock, as in "to cockblock":

To prevent or otherwise interfere with the initiation of a sexual encounter or relationship involving a male.

See comment under previous entry.

See also cut in.

cockblocker:

Someone who interferes with the initiation of a sexual encounter or relationship involving a male, especially in the context of an attempted pickup.

See comment under "cockblock."

Contrast wingman (q.v.). See also grenade, fifth wheel, lauzengier, third wheel.

cocktease:

See cockteaser.

cockteaser:

1. Someone who flirts with or otherwise arouses a man but won't follow through to coition; or someone who acts analogously with regard to a different matter.

2. A person who manages to keep a man as a mate but who often refuses to meet his sexual needs.

3. A person who prolongs a man's arousal before coition.

4. An orange-liqueur-based mixed drink.

Comment: Shorter form, "cocktease."

In the first two senses, often a term of contempt.

Since a common (or vulgar) word for the penis is part of this compound, the term is generally avoided in polite society.

Contrast cuntteaser (q.v.). See also coquette, diastunia, flirt, Lady Jane, slutwitch, UST relationship.

x cocktease.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Cockteaser"

Amused to discover himself jealous, Harold [little-Smith] studied his fingers, which he set parallel to the table silver, and asked, "Do you think the Hanemas [Piet and Angela] will get a divorce?" ....

"Never," Janet [Appleby] said flatly. "Piet's too tame. He's too thick in the conscience. He'll stick it out with those three, picking up whatever spare ass he can. The bad thing about a cockteaser like Angela is she turns her man loose on the world and lets a lot of other women in for trouble. Piet can be very winning."

From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 125; cf. 247.

Quotation from John Updike Illustrating "Cockteaser"
Amused to discover himself jealous, Harold [little-Smith] studied his fingers, which he set parallel to the table silver, and asked, "Do you think the Hanemas [Piet and Angela] will get a divorce?" .... "Never," Janet [Appleby] said flatly. "Piet's too tame. He's too thick in the conscience. He'll stick it out with those three, picking up whatever spare ass he can. The bad thing about a cockteaser like Angela is she turns her man loose on the world and lets a lot of other women in for trouble. Piet can be very winning."
From the novel: Couples, [by] John Updike (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1968; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 125; cf. 247.

cocotte (French):

1. Kept woman; courtesan.

2. Loose woman.

See also concubine, courtesan, kept woman, mistress, partner, slut.

x French terms.

Quotation from Chandler Burr Illustrating "Cocottes"

She [Madame Clouzot] explained that there were only really two great French perfume makers, Guerlain and Caron. Guerlain, she said, was for cocottes -- kept women. Caron was for the duchesse. But in fact it is the 1880s cocotte style that today passes for chic in France.

From: The Emperor of Scent: A Story of Perfume, Obsession, and the Last Mystery of the Senses, [by] Chandler Burr (New York: Random House, c2002): p. 295.

Quotation from Chandler Burr Illustrating "Cocottes"
She [Madame Clouzot] explained that there were only really two great French perfume makers, Guerlain and Caron. Guerlain, she said, was for cocottes -- kept women. Caron was for the duchesse. But in fact it is the 1880s cocotte style that today passes for chic in France.
From: The Emperor of Scent: A Story of Perfume, Obsession, and the Last Mystery of the Senses, [by] Chandler Burr (New York: Random House, c2002): p. 295.

code, as in "the code":

1. A variable set of understandings or expectations, generally unwritten and often even unspoken, between friends or between members of the same sex regarding the sexual pursuits and love life of any one of those individuals, for instance:

"You don't steal a friend's girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband";

"You don't interfere with a friend's pursuit of sex or romance, other than to prevent major harm";

"You assist with a friend's pursuit of sex or romance, at least to the extent that you would hope for assistance in return"; and,

"You don't expose your friend's love life in any way that would cause emotional pain."

2. Capitalized, a reference to a particular set of rules regarding sexual pursuits and the love life, such as: The Code: Time-tested Secrets for Getting What You Want from Women - without Marrying Them! [by] Nate Penn and Lawrence LaRose (New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, c1996; "A Fireside Book"), which is, in part, a response to The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, [by] Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (New York, NY: Warner Books, c1995).

Comment on the first sense: Curiously, the understanding one might most expect, that the one sought after decides whom to date and with whom to establish a romantic relationship, is seldom if ever mentioned as part of the code and is often in conflict with elements of the code that are mentioned. This suggests that the code functions in part, on the one hand, to reduce competition between friends (a potential sacrifice of romance to friendship) and, on the other, to enhance the cost of engaging in such competition (a potential sacrifice of friendship to romance).

Contrast "All's fair ..." (q.v.). See also absolute code, break-up rules, code of silence, kiss and tell, moral code, next-tier sexual ethics, rules of adultery, rules of love, sexosophy, sexual etiquette, sexual mores, swingers' moral code; counter-Rules, dating plan, ladder theory, pick-up artist, Rules Girl, Tao of Steve.

x unwritten code.

code of silence:

1. A set of understandings or expectations that one is not to reveal certain things to others, for instance things the revelation of which may cause embarrasment or some sort of damage to someone's relationships or material welfare. In the context of relations between the sexes, more specifically:

a guy (or male) code of silence, a piece of which is often the idea that a man isn't supposed to tell on another man about his sex-and-love life to any woman who might directly or indirectly have a negative effect upon him;

a female code of silence, a piece of which is often that a woman isn't supposed to tell on a woman about her sex-and-love life to any man who might directly or indirectly have a negative effect upon her;

a relationship code of silence, such that certain aspects of a relationship, typically problems that have occurred, are kept completely private, spoken of by the partners only to each other or perhaps also to a counselor.

2. A set of understandings or expectations that partners or friends are not to speak of certain things to each other, for instance things the mention of which may produce awkwardness or cause emotional pain.

Comment: The guy code of silence and the female code of silence are often spoken of in differently nuanced ways. For instance, with regard to "the guy code of silence," in some usage emphasis might be placed upon not telling certain women anything that would embarrass another man; and, with regard to "the female code of silence," in some usage emphasis might be placed upon not revealing so-called "feminine wiles." Furthermore, the range of expected applicability may vary widely according to the speaker.

See also absolute code, code, kiss and tell, sexual etiquette, sexual mores.

x female code of silence.

x guy code of silence.

x male code of silence.

x silence code.

coemption (Anglicized form of the Latin, coemptio):

A Roman civil marriage -- in relation to usus (q.v.), a higher form of civil marriage.

For lexical example, see under "confarreation."

See also marriage, wedding.

x Latin terms.

Definition of "Coemptio" by E. A. Andrews

A marriage, consisting in a mutual mock sale of the parties, by which the wife was free from the tutela legitima and the family sacris.

From: A Copious and Critical Latin-English Lexicon ..., by E. A. Andrews (New York: Harper, 1851, c1850): p. 296. Note also these related entries: "coemptionalis ... Pertaining to ... a sham marriage"; and "coemptionator ... One who enters into the coemptio."

Definition of "Coemptio" by E. A. Andrews
*A marriage, consisting in a mutual mock sale of the parties, by which the wife was free from the tutela legitima* and the family sacris.**
From: A Copious and Critical Latin-English Lexicon ..., by E. A. Andrews (New York: Harper, 1851, c1850): p. 296. Note also these related entries: "coemptionalis ... Pertaining to ... a sham marriage"; and "coemptionator ... One who enters into the coemptio."

coenogamy:

See cenogamy.

cognate:

Related by descent.

See also agnate, clan, consanguinity, enate, kinship, monogeneous.

cohab:

Somone living in illegal cohabitation, especially a polygynous Mormon.

See also Celestial Marriage, cohabitant, cohabitee, plural marriage, plural wife, polygynist.

cohabit:

To live together as part of the same household, especially to do so in a sexual relationship when not formally married.

Comment: Generally preferred to "cohabitate."

For lexical example, see under "singlehood."

See also cohabitation, cosominate, shack up, share the same bedroom, sleep together, urge to merge.

cohabitant:

A person who lives together with another in the same househld, especially when they are partners in a sexual relationship and not formally married.

See also amari, cohab, cohabitee, co-vivant, de facto, domestic companion, domestic partner, housemate, in-house friend, live-in boyfriend, live-in companion, live-in girlfriend, live-in lover, partner, PASSLQ, POSSLQ, TOCOTOX, umfriend.

cohabitate:

To live together as part of the same household, especially to do so as partners in a sexual relationship when not formally married.

Comment: Generally "cohabit" is preferred.

See also cohabitation, cosominate, shack up, share the same bedroom, sleep together.

cohabitation:

1. Living together as part of the same household, especially as partners in a sexual relationship when not formally married.

2. A euphemism for sexual intercourse, especially on an ongoing basis.

See also ad hoc union, broomstick-marriage, bungalowing, cohabit, cohabitate, concubinage, habit of each other, household, living together, long engagement, ménage, nuptias non concubitus sed consensus facit, other terms than marriage, paperless marriage, Portland custom, syndyasmian family.

cohabitee:

A partner in cohabitation (q.v.).

See also amari, cohab, cohabitant, co-vivant, de facto, domestic companion, domestic partner, housemate, in-house friend, live-in boyfriend, live-in companion, live-in girlfriend, live-in lover, partner, PASSLQ, POSSLQ, TOCOTOX, umfriend.

cohort:

See marriage cohort.

co-husband:

A human male who shares in common at least one wife with at least one other human male.

See also brother starling, co-spouse, co-wife, group marriage, husband, husband-doubling, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, partner, partner sharing, polyandrist, sheet partner, wife-sharing.

coition, moment of:

See moment of coition.

cold feet:

The set of emotions and doubts that prompts one to question or even to back away from a major impending change in one's life, a change that one had previously opted for, such as getting married; a loss of nerve.

Comment: The origin of the term in this sense has been debated. One hypothesis is that it might have originally signified poverty, which prevented one from taking certain actions, for instance, continuing to gamble in a game of cards.

Contrast, for instance, take the plunge (q.v.) and Torschlusspanik (q.v.). See also jow-fair, runaway bride, runaway groom, premarital nerves.

x get cold feet.

cold shower:

See take a cold shower.

colleague marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which togetherness, sharing, and personal satisfaction are key and in which roles are assigned according to abilities, interests, and, as applicable, deference.

Compare and contrast companionship marriage (q.v.)

collectivism:

1. Control of the means of production and distribution by the people of a community or society as a group.

2. Belief that the people should have such control.

3. Group sex (q.v.).

collector, as in "a collector of men" or "a collector of women":

A person who accumulates spouses or lovers or potential lovers, such that he or she will have several or many at the same time, especially when some sort of pattern is being filled in or seems discernible.

Comments: The term tends to be used in a derogatory way, to insinuate that following a collecting pattern precludes true love.

Examples of patterns that might be filled in include:

coverage of multiple templates of body types one finds especially attractive;

individuals who fit one particular such template;

coverage of different facets of one's personality;

each hair color;

each race; and,

key skills of benefit or interest to the family.

See also God's gift to men, God's gift to women, juggler, polyamorist, polyandrist, polygamist, polygynist.

college sweetheart:

A person, ordinarily a fellow undergraduate, with whom one was romantically affectionate during one's undergraduate days in higher education.

See also boyfriend, girlfriend, high school sweetheart, lover, pin, pinning, sweetheart, trans-conference marriage.

colliding worlds theory:

See world's theory.

colligation:

A union, alliance, or binding of two or more people of whatever sex and to whatever end.

See also domestic partnership.

collocation:

A giving in marriage.

Comment: The Oxford English Dictionary designates this term as obsolete and rare.

See also give away in marriage.

collusional marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which one partner secretly endorses or covers up the other's bad behavior or deficiencies while playing the role of victim or martyr.

See also poor match, spouse abuse, toxic relationship.

comarital:

Of or pertaining to any close personal relationship between a man and a woman who are not closely related in a consanguine way, whether sexual relations are involved or not, that exists alongside of and in addition to a marriage relationship, especially where the net effect upon the marital relationship is beneficial or neutral and not destructively competitive. The term "comarital" is explicitly meant to be used in a nonpejorative manner and is contrasted with the term "extramarital," when "extramarital" is used in such a way as to connote destructive competitition.

Comment: Attributed to William Genné.

See also adultery, adultery-toleration pact, arrangement, consensual adultery, correlational, emotional infidelity, extramarital affair, extramarital friendship, extramarital love affair, flexible monogamy, free affection, good match, heterosexual friendship, husband-doubling, intermarital, intramarital, letter group (C, theta, phi), the lifestyle, male-female friendship, marital, multilateral sexuality, myth of affairs as symptomatic, new adultery, nonmarital, open couple, open marriage, out-of-marriage love affair, postmarital, premarital, satellite relationship, secret of a successful marriage, sexual nonexclusivity, Sunday husband, synergamy, wife-sharing.

comedy:

See romantic comedy.

come-on, as in, "What a come-on!":

An overt or implicit invitation to be considered for a romantic or sexual encounter.

Comment: The emphasis in pronunciation is on "come," unlike in the coaxing, "oh, come on!" where the emphasis is on "on."

See also approach invitation, chat-up line, comether, flirtation, happily married, make-want, opening line, pick-up line, proposition, seduction.

come on to:

To make an overt or implicit invitation to be considered for a romantic or sexual encounter.

See also chat up, flirt, hit on, make a pass at, make (a person) fall in love with, make a play for, make-want, philander, proposition, put the make on, put the mojo on, seduce, solicit.

come out:

1. To process in public as a new bride (a colonial American custom).

2. To reveal what had previously been a deeply personal secret, especially regarding something about one's sexuality, where there is a risk or fear of the revelation being received unfavorably.

Comments: Perhaps most commonly the term is applied to revelations of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender or of gay or lesbian partnerships.

Not to come out is to stay closeted or to remain in the closet.

See also bisexual, closeted, gay, homosexual, out, out of the closet.

Quotation from Cassandra King Illustrating "Coming Out"

He [Godwin] frowned, his dark eyes still troubled. "I'm not sure what's the best way anymore, the way things are for people like Rich and myself nowadays, or the way they used to be. The younger ones, they're all for openness and honesty. Coming out, they call it. I can't see that it causes any less heartache than the way people did it in my day, tell you the truth..."

From the novel: The Sunday Wife, [by] Cassandra King (New York: Hyperion, c2002): p. 167.

Quotation from Cassandra King Illustrating "Coming Out"
He [Godwin] frowned, his dark eyes still troubled. "I'm not sure what's the best way anymore, the way things are for people like Rich and myself nowadays, or the way they used to be. The younger ones, they're all for openness and honesty. Coming out, they call it. I can't see that it causes any less heartache than the way people did it in my day, tell you the truth..."
From the novel: The Sunday Wife, [by] Cassandra King (New York: Hyperion, c2002): p. 167.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Came Out"

When Karan and Sarah came out publicly as a couple, Karan was fired, despite six years of glowing reports.

From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): p. 237.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Came Out"
When Karan and Sarah came out publicly as a couple, Karan was fired, despite six years of glowing reports.
From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): p. 237.

comet:

Somebody who becomes close for just a short time.

See also amourette, dalliance, flirtation, insignificant other, partner, short-term relationship, tertiary relationship, whirlwind romance.

comether:

A coaxing to come hither; a powerfully attractive invitation, such as a sexual one.

See also approach invitation, attentions, attraction, come-on, flirtation, lordosis behavior, make-want, proposition, rolling eye, seduction, set (her) cap at him.

Quotation from James Joyce Illustrating "Comether"

He [William Shakespeare] chose badly? He was chosen, it seems to me. If others have their will Ann [Hathaway] hath a way. By cock, she was to blame. She put the comether on him, sweet and twentysix. The greyeyed goddess who bends over the boy Adonis, stooping to conquer, as prologue to the swelling act, is a boldfaced Stratford wench who tumbles in a cornfield a lover younger than herself.

From: Ulysses, [by] James Joyce (Revised ed. London: Bodley Head, 1969): p. 244. Ulysses was originally published in Paris by Shakespeare and Company in 1922. Ann or Anne Hathaway (circa 1556-1623) and William Shakespeare (1564-1616) were married in 1582.

Quotation from James Joyce Illustrating "Comether"
He [William Shakespeare] chose badly? He was chosen, it seems to me. If others have their will Ann [Hathaway] hath a way. By cock, she was to blame. She put the comether on him, sweet and twentysix. The greyeyed goddess who bends over the boy Adonis, stooping to conquer, as prologue to the swelling act, is a boldfaced Stratford wench who tumbles in a cornfield a lover younger than herself.
From: Ulysses, [by] James Joyce (Revised ed. London: Bodley Head, 1969): p. 244. Ulysses was originally published in Paris by Shakespeare and Company in 1922. Ann or Anne Hathaway (circa 1556-1623) and William Shakespeare (1564-1616) were married in 1582.

comjat, or comiat (Occitan = langue d'Oc):

1. "Dismissal"; a song of farewell to one whom the lyricist or singer has ceased to love.

2. The genre of such song lyrics.

Comment: The term is associated with the troubadours of Provence (southeastern France) in the late Middle Ages.

Source: The historical novel, The Fool of Venus: The Story of Peire Vidal, by George Cronyn (New York: Covici-Friede, 1934): p. 434.

See also courtly love, descort, discourse of desire, escondich, love lyrics, love poem, love song, maldit.

x Occitan terms.

commandment:

See love commandments, Seventh Commandment, Sixth Commandment of the Church, Tenth Commandment.

commingling of races:

See racial commingling.

commit adultery:

To behave in such a way that the offense of adultery (q.v.) comes about on one's part.

For lexical example, see under "Seventh Commandment."

See also betray, break matrimony, break spousehood, break wedlock, carry on, cheat, cuckold, fool around, play around, run astray, tip, two-time, yard on.

commit marriage:

To marry (q.v.).

Comment: The term can be traced back to the 16th century. Nowadays it would tend to be used as a play off of "commit adultery" or as an insinuation that the marriage entailed some sort of breach.

commitmentphobia:

Fear of entering into a committed love relationship (q.v.); dread of pledging oneself to the terms of a love relationship or marriage.

See also counter-Rules, gamophobia, misogamy, nonogamy, -phobia, withhold sex.

committed love relationship:

1. A love relationship in which the partners have expressed their intent that the relationship be permanent so long as the terms of the relationship are met.

2. A durable love relationship in which the partners are determined to be there for each other whatever the circumstances.

3. A love relationship in which the partners have cast their lot in life together by pledging mutual loyalty, by living together, and by sharing resources.

4. A love relationship in which the partners have agreed to be sexually exclusive to one another.

5. A combination of any or all of the above.

Comment: A loving marriage is a type of committed love relationship.

Often called a committed relationship, especially where the emphasis is on commitment rather than love.

See also attached, big "R" relationship, bundle of freemates, companionate love, consummate love, empty love, extramural sexual affair, fatuous love, long-term relationship, love-match, love relationship, lovestyle, marriage, mate, multilateral marriage, partner, permanent arrangement, polyfamily, polyfidelity, primary relationship, relationship commitment, romance, triangular theory of love, unattached, union.

x committed relationship.

committed relationship:

See committed love relationship.

common boyfriend:

See boyfriend in common.

common girlfriend:

See girlfriend in common.

common law husband:

A man in a common law marriage (q.v.).

See also husband, partner.

common law marriage:

Intentionally living together as husband and wife without having undergone socially instituted nuptial formalities; a marriage that exists by mutual agreement of a man and a woman without the benefit of a civil or religious ceremony.

Comments: Generally the idea of common law marriage presumes that such a marriage is considered legitimate, at least if it is initiated in a jurisdiction that recognizes it as such.

Common law is associated with the English legal tradition and many of those jurisdictions that have been influenced by that tradition.

See also ad hoc union, bedmate, broomstick-marriage, common law husband, common law spouse, common law wife, consensual marriage, contract marriage, koitogamy, long engagement, marriage, marriage by contract, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, paperless marriage, solemnize, uxor.

common law spouse:

A partner (q.v.) in a common law marriage (q.v.).

See also illegitimate spouse, spouse.

common law wife:

A woman in a common law marriage (q.v.).

See also partner, wife.

commonwealth:

See little social commonwealth.

communal marriage:

Group marriage, particularly a situation in which every man in a small community is considered to be equally married to every woman in the community.

Comment: Herbert Spencer attributed the term to John Lubbock (1834-1913). Compare koinogamia (Greek) in Athenaeus, Deipnosophistae 13.555D.

References

See: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §292, p. 644.

Spencer cited: The Origin of Civilisation and the Primitive Condition of Man: Mental and Social Condition of Savages, by Sir John Lubbock (London: Longmans, Green, 1870; 4th ed., 1882): pp. 89, 98.

See also alternative lifestyle, cenogamy, group marriage, marriage, tribal marriage.

References
See: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §292, p. 644.
Spencer cited: The Origin of Civilisation and the Primitive Condition of Man: Mental and Social Condition of Savages, by Sir John Lubbock (London: Longmans, Green, 1870; 4th ed., 1882): pp. 89, 98.

"Communicate, communicate, communicate!"

1. A motto generally applied -- especially by counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists -- to human relationships, a motto which urges people in relationships to discuss matters with each other forthrightly and honestly, especially matters that might affect their relationship.

2. A motto of the polyamory phenomenon, a motto which urges people in polyamorous relationships to discuss with each other forthrightly, honestly, and, as much as possible, in anticipation of possible developments any and all matters that could affect a relationship, this being all the more important the more people are involved in a relationship or a set of connected relationships.

Comments on the second sense: The point is often partly ethical, since a defining hallmark of the polyamory phenomenon is to be above board with one's lover about one's other lovers, partly a matter of respect, partly a matter of engendering trust, and partly a matter of attempting to engender satisfying and durable relationships.

The motto stands in tension with the propensity to sexual deceit, which, if the sperm-wars thesis is correct, might even have biological roots, to say nothing of systemic and other factors contributing to the propensity.

See also bump on a log, ethical non-monogamy, group complexity theory, polyamory, poly mantra, sperm wars.

Quotation from Ruth K. Westheimer Illustrating "Communicate, Communicate, Communicate"

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

What's the number-one rule for staying out of marital trouble? Keep the lines of communication open and flowing with information. If you're dissatisfied with the state of your relationship, let your partner know about it -- but do it in a nice way and at an appropriate time.

From: Sex for Dummies ^TM, by Ruth K. Westheimer (Foster City, CA: IDG Books Worldwide, c1995): p. 196.

Quotation from Ruth K. Westheimer Illustrating "Communicate, Communicate, Communicate"
*Communicate, Communicate, Communicate* What's the number-one rule for staying out of marital trouble? Keep the lines of communication open and flowing with information. If you're dissatisfied with the state of your relationship, let your partner know about it -- but do it in a nice way and at an appropriate time.
From: Sex for Dummies ^TM, by Ruth K. Westheimer (Foster City, CA: IDG Books Worldwide, c1995): p. 196.

communion:

1. A mystical fellowship, in some cases ratified ritualistically.

2. Rapport; a special intangible connection between individuals.

3. A more or less harmonious sharing of life, even if only temporarily.

See also affinity, compatibility, conjunction, connaturality, connection, kinship, mystic betrothal, mystic marriage, quality relationship, soul mate, spiritual connection, spiritual intimacy, spiritual marriage, togetherness, true love.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Communion"

They [Rupert Birkin and Ursula Brangwen] must marry at once, and so make a definite pledge, enter into a definite communion.

From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 19, p. 247. Early editions:

New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920.

London: Martin Secker, 1921.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Communion"
They [Rupert Birkin and Ursula Brangwen] must marry at once, and so make a definite pledge, enter into a definite communion.
From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 19, p. 247. Early editions: New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920. London: Martin Secker, 1921.

community:

1. A neighborhood, village, or town. The focus may be either the people or the locality.

2. A social web of interaction and interdependencies meant to function non-violently, at least within, and for the mutual benefit of all its members. Such social webs may be geographically concentrated, geographically scattered, or virtual and may form a complex system of human survival and development or may simply be focused around a single interest.

3. A social group more extensive than a single family where people, even if they have specific roles, are able to develop, function, and interact as fully orbed, relational human beings and where love is able to flourish.

4. A category of those who have traditionally been sexually and romantically marginalized -- plus those who are friendly to them -- as delineated by their own interest groups, institutions, coalitions, and publications. Among such categories are the LGBT, BDSM, and poly communities -- that is, the lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender community; the bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism community; and the polyamorous community. Of course, there is overlap between these communities.

Comment: Some people resist the last sense, since it seems amorphous, overly inclusive, and lacking in one or another essential characteristic of what they consider community. They prefer other words, such as "folk," "movement," and "phenomenon," as appropriate.

See also family, homosexuality, polyamory.

commuter marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which the partners have to travel a considerable distance to see each other in the flesh, making it impractical if not impossible to see each other on a daily basis.

See also commuter romance, cyber relationship, distributed commitment, dual-career marriage, duo-local residence, e-mail marriage, long-distance relationship, online relationship, telegamy.

commuter romance:

A relationship in which the lovers travel on a regular basis to see each other.

See also commuter marriage, distributed commitment, long-distance relationship, romance.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Commuter Romance"

Kalli began commuting to New York to spend every weekend she could with the long-lost love of her life....

For six months, Kalli kept telling herself she was perfectly content to continue their relationship as a commuter romance.

From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): p. 258.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Commuter Romance"
Kalli began commuting to New York to spend every weekend she could with the long-lost love of her life.... For six months, Kalli kept telling herself she was perfectly content to continue their relationship as a commuter romance.
From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): p. 258.

compa:

See goukon, yarikon.

compact of flesh:

A mutual acceptance of physical touch, especially in a romantic or erotic situation.

See also love-making.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Compact of ... Flesh"

Without speaking, he [Anton Skrebensky] took her [Ursula Brangwen's] hand across, under the wrap, and with his unseeing face lifted to the road, his soul intent, he began with his one hand to unfasten the buttons of her glove, to push back her glove from her hand, carefully laying bare her hand. And the close-working, instinctive subtlety of his fingers upon her hand sent the young girl mad with voluptuous delight. His hand was so wonderful, intent as a living creature skilfully pushing and manipulating in the dark underworld, removing her glove and laying bare her palm, her fingers. Then his hand closed over hers, so firm, so close, as if the flesh knitted to one thing his hand and hers. Meanwhile his face watched the road and the ears of the horse, he drove with steady attention through the villages, and she sat beside him, rapt, glowing, blinded with a new light. Neither of them spoke. In outward attention they were entirely separate. But between them was the compact of his flesh with hers, in the hand-clasp.

From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 11, p. 279

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Compact of ... Flesh"
Without speaking, he [Anton Skrebensky] took her [Ursula Brangwen's] hand across, under the wrap, and with his unseeing face lifted to the road, his soul intent, he began with his one hand to unfasten the buttons of her glove, to push back her glove from her hand, carefully laying bare her hand. And the close-working, instinctive subtlety of his fingers upon her hand sent the young girl mad with voluptuous delight. His hand was so wonderful, intent as a living creature skilfully pushing and manipulating in the dark underworld, removing her glove and laying bare her palm, her fingers. Then his hand closed over hers, so firm, so close, as if the flesh knitted to one thing his hand and hers. Meanwhile his face watched the road and the ears of the horse, he drove with steady attention through the villages, and she sat beside him, rapt, glowing, blinded with a new light. Neither of them spoke. In outward attention they were entirely separate. But between them was the compact of his flesh with hers, in the hand-clasp.
From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 11, p. 279

companion:

1. A person with whom one eats and enjoys other activities.

2. A partner in life, especially one without formally established legal ties.

See also amari, arm candy, attachment, blind date, conjux, consort, constant companion, copemate, date, domestic companion, escort, fere, gentleman friend, intimate companion, lady friend, life's companion, live-in companion, long-time companion, love-companion, loving companion, moll, moll up, partner, plus one, skains-mate, spice, Sunday husband, syzygos.

companionate love:

1. A friendly affection for and deep attachment to someone.

2. In the triangular theory of love, love (q.v.) that consists of intimacy and commitment, but not passion.

Comment: Such love is sometimes contrasted with passionate love, companionate love being described as lower-key.

See also affection, committed love relationship, domestic love, friendship, intimacy, passionate love, storgic love, triangular theory of love.

companionate marriage:

As proposed, a legally instituted marriage between a man and a woman that shares with traditional marriage an intent of permanence and that shares with trial marriage technical similarities, such as ease of divorce for childless couples. In other words, it is conceived of as a third way for marriage, one which focuses on the spirit of marriage while relaxing legal constraints (relative to what they were in the United States in the 1920s) that can make an unhappy partner feel trapped and cause a failed marriage to continue formally but without substance. Infusing the idea of companionate marriage is a sense of responsibility with regard to offspring, which (as envisioned) means use of birth control during a period for marital adjustment and for the development of economic sustainability, followed by commitment to child-rearing within an intact family once children come. However, the child-bearing and rearing period would be called procreative marriage (q.v.) rather than companionate marriage.

Comments: Although the term is often attributed to Judge Lindsey, The Oxford English Dictionary provides two earlier lexical examples, the first from M. M. Knight in 1924.

In some usage, companionate marriage is essentially equivalent to trial marriage that is purposefully kept childless by means of birth control for the duration of the trial.

See also experimental marriage, individual marriage, marriage, starter marriage, temporary marriage, trial marriage.

Quotations from Judge Lindsey on Companionate Marriage

[v] Companionate marriage is legal marriage, with legalized Birth Control, and with the right to divorce by mutual consent for childless couples, usually without payment of alimony.

.... Birth control has brought the Companionate into existence. It has made possible between men and women a relationship which has never before, in the history of the world, been practicable for multitudes of people....

[vi] I am putting this explanation into a preface because I want, so far as possible, to forestall misunderstanding and prejudice on the part of readers who have been told by ill-informed critics of my views that I advocate men and women living together in free love unions, without marriage, and that they should remain in that unmarried status till the birth of a child.

Another version is that I advocate "Trial Marriage." What these critics mean by "Trial Marriage," apparently, is a technically legal marriage which is entered with the intention that it shall be, not an enduring union, but merely a temporary sex episode, similar in spirit to what we commonly call the "unmarried union." The parties to a "Trial Marriage" would be marrying, that is to say, strictly on a basis which would emphasize the "trial" element in the union, and create in it a psychology of impermanence... Free love and Trial Marriage are by no means to be confused with Companionate Marriage.

Technically the Companionate and Trial Marriage have certain features in common but one is not the other. Both would normally avail themselves of Birth Control and divorce by mutual consent. Both would place a minimum of obstruction in the way of childless couples wishing a divorce. And both recognize the fact that when men and women marry they can never be perfectly certain that their marriage will turn out to be a permanent success. But there the similarity ends.

For the emphasis -- the psychological emphasis -- is altogether different. All men and women who are sensible and honest know when they marry that there is at least a possibility of failure ahead. But [vii] they assume that the chance is remote. They have confidence in their ability to weather all storms and make port. It is their intention to do that, and to make such adjustments as may be necessary to that end. That is marriage. That is the spirit of marriage. It involves the same recognition of risk that goes into trial marriage, but it stoutly proposes to overcome and nullify that risk. It emphatically does not propose to seek divorce the moment the flame of romantic passion begins to cool.

Now the trouble with this attitude in ordinary marriage is that not enough account is taken of the risk. If the Trial Marriage psychology puts too much emphasis on the risk, the psychology of traditional marriage bull-headedly ignores it altogether. The result is that couples who make a mistake in their choice of each other find that in getting into marriage they have walked into a trap.

There is room for sane compromise between these two extremes. Men and women who enter marriage should be encouraged to do it under conditions that would best insure the success and permanence of the marriage, but which would also afford a line of retreat in case the marriage failed. They should not have children, for instance, till they have been married long enough to be reasonably sure of their ability to carry on together; and they should not have them till they can afford them. This is common sense. It is not Free Love or Trial Marriage at all. It may, as I have indicated, have a technical similarity to Trial Marriage, but legal technicalities are not what make a marriage. What makes a marriage is the spirit and intent of it. And the Companionate as described in this book is genuinely, if not technically, a different thing from Trial Marriage.

I do not deny that it would be possible for people to enter the Companionate with a Trial Marriage psychology. But so is it possible for them to enter traditional marriage with a Trial Marriage psychology.

[247; cf. xii-xiii] The passing of three such bills [legalized birth control, divorce by mutual consent for childless couples, and economic independence in childless marriages thus ordinarily no alimony] would establish the Companionate ... on a legal basis. It would mark it off sharply from the procreative marriage, and it would justify us in calling childless marriage the [sic] "The Companionate" and procreative marriage "The Family." This nomenclature has long been used by sociologists to distinguish the two.

From: The Companionate Marriage, by Ben B. Lindsey & Wainwright Evans (New York: Boni & Liveright, 1927).

Comment on the first quotation: It seems reasonable to ask whether the description of companionate marriage in the quotation is coherent. One problem: The key difference between a trial marriage and a companionate marriage is supposed to be psychological, yet it is "possible for people to enter the Companionate with a Trial Marriage psychology" (p. vii).

companionship family:

A family (q.v.) in which behavior is based on affection; a family in which affection is the major function of the family, a major source of family influence over family members, and the primary unifying factor.

Contrast institutional family (q.v.). See also caging, romantic family.

companionship marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which togetherness, sharing, and personal satisfaction are key and in which there are no particular assigned roles.

Compare and contrast colleague marriage (q.v.)

compartmentalization:

1. An approach to moral behavior whereby one deliberately exempts a portion of one's life -- typically one's sex, love, family, or business life -- from the code of behavior that one generally follows in other areas of life.

2. Segregation of one or more aspects or venues of one's life for different handling, for example, with regard to the degree to which one reveals certain truths about oneself, such as one's sexual orientation.

Comments: A common example of the first sense would be in the case of someone who lives by the moral code of a conservative Christian, but who, contrary to that code, is sexually licentious and has no desire to conform to the conservative code.

The term is often used with a pejorative cast and sometimes implies (a) a failure to integrate faith adequately with one's life, (b) a spiritually unhealthy divide between what one seems to be and what one actually is, or (c) suspicion of a psychological disorder. However, there are people who embrace the term, claiming, for instance, that the code to which they otherwise subscribe is wrong or has been superseded in this one area.

Closely related terms are "cafeteria Catholicism" and "smorgasbord Protestantism," whereby people pick and choose what doctrines of their own denomination they wish to believe and what moral teachings they wish to follow. Substitute other denominations as fitting, for instance, "smorgasbord Lutheranism."

See also boundary, family life, free love, licentiousness, love life, moral code, mores, new morality, next-tier sexual ethics, periodization, sex life, sexosophy, sexual autonomy, sexual ethics, sexual immorality, sexual liberation, sexual morality, sexual mores.

Quotation from Kati Marton Illustrating "Compartmentalization"

[Franklin Delano] Roosevelt, like John F. Kennedy, was a master of compartmentalization, revealing different parts of himself to different people.

From: Hidden Power: Presidential Marriages That Shaped Our Recent History, [by] Kati Marton (New York: Pantheon Books, c2001): p. 71. In the book, all caps through "Kennedy."

Quotation from Brooke Kroeger Illustrating "Compartmentalization" and "Compartmentalize"

[147] She [a lesbian in a military unwelcoming of lesbians] also learned to become very selective about her choice of people to bond with, suppressing a natural inclination to be as open and social in the navy as she had been in her teens and early twenties....

[148] Others I spoke to among her military friends used compartmentalization to salve the discomfort their own behavior caused them. "What I would do," one current member of the Coast Guard said, "is justify it to myself by saying, Okay, I can lie about it at work, but I'm not going to lie about it in my family any longer. I'm going to compartmentalize it."

From: Passing: When People Can't Be Who They Are, [by] Brooke Kroeger (New York: Public Affairs, c2003): p. 148.

Quotation from Kati Marton Illustrating "Compartmentalization"
[Franklin Delano] Roosevelt, like John F. Kennedy, was a master of compartmentalization, revealing different parts of himself to different people.
From: Hidden Power: Presidential Marriages That Shaped Our Recent History, [by] Kati Marton (New York: Pantheon Books, c2001): p. 71. In the book, all caps through "Kennedy."

compartmentalize:

1. To exempt a portion of one's life -- typically one's sex, love, family, or business life -- from the code of behavior that one generally follows in other areas of life.

2. To segregate one or more aspects or venues of one's life for different handling, for example, with regard to the degree to which one reveals certain truths about oneself, such as one's sexual orientation.

See also compartmentalization (note lexical example).

compatibility:

1. A congenial personality fit; ability to live together happily or to function together productively, or the characteristics that one contributes to one of those ends.

2. Ability of partners to satisfy each other sexually and emotionally such that sexual and emotional restrictions attending their relationship are not felt as unendurable burdens and such that sexual and emotional freedoms exercised are considered tolerable; or the characteristics that one contributes to that end.

3. Ability of particular male and female sexual organs to fit together, or of one to fit with another.

Contrast incompatibility (q.v.). See also affinity, communion, conjugal felicity, connaturality, domestic happiness, easy, good match, habit of each other, happily married, kinship, levament, made for each other, marital aptitude, matching hearts, match made in heaven, Miss Right, Mister Right, nomogamosis, sexual connection, sexual compatibility, sexual correspondence, soul mate, spiritual connection, spiritual husband, spiritual marriage, spiritual wife, successful marriage, vibe.

compatible:

Characterized by compatibility.

See also easy.

compersion:

Feeling joy in one's beloved being loved or even being pleasured and made love to by another, especially by another whom one also loves.

Comment: This emotion is sometimes contrasted with jealousy (q.v.), wibble (q.v.), and Schadenfreude, which is a German word for joy in the suffering of another. It is also to be carefully contrasted with candaulism (q.v.), helping (q.v.), and mixoscopia (q.v.). It is not to be confused with compursion, which is wrinkling one's face. See also ask-and-tell eroticism, compreciation, frubbliness, macarism, polyglow, synletitia, vicarious relationship high, watching.

competition:

See intrasexual competition.

competition jealousy (Ronald Mazur, 1973):

1. Feeling inadequate relative to one's partner's other lover(s) or potential lovers.

2. The fear of being unfavorably compared.

See also AMOG, jealousy.

complementary marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which the spouses customarily perform different tasks and are thereby interdependent.

See also symbiotic marriage.

complementary needs:

See theory of complementary needs in mate-selection.

complete celibacy:

Living with the intention to abstain from all sexual activity, including both sexual relations and masturbation, especially when this is for religious purposes.

See also celibacy.

complexes:

See Candaules complex, Casanova complex, Catherine the Great complex, Cinderella complex, Madonna-whore complex, Messalina complex, obscenity-purity complex.

See also phenomena, syndromes.

complexity theory of groups:

See group complexity theory.

complex marriage:

Group marriage as practiced in the Oneida Community in 19th Century New York and in other utopian communities founded on the same principles.

See also free-sex colony, group marriage, letter group (omega), marriage, omnigamy, pantagamy, sexual utopia, tribal marriage.

compound family:

A social unit consisting of three or more spouses and their children; two or more nuclear families (q.v.) united through a common spouse and functioning together.

Contrast blended family (q.v.). See also cellular family, expanded family, extendedfamily, family, polygamy.

compreciation:

Delight and appreciation that a person one appreciates is appreciated by another person one appreciates.

Comment: From Old Latin "com" = "with," and Latin "pretiare" = "to value"; all on analogy with "appreciation."

Coined by me, 2002.

See also compersion, frubbliness, polyamory, polyglow, seeble, synletitia, vicarious relationship high.

comprivigni (legal term):

Stepsiblings in relation to each other. Thus it might be said that John and Mary are comprivigni of each other.

See also blended family, privigna, privignus, qatang, step-

compromise:

1. To find a mutually agreeable course of action in part by making concessions to one another.

2. To place in jeopardy.

3. To expose a person's vulnerabilities or shame, thereby placing that person in a less secure position, impairing that person's activities, or diminishing that person's standing.

4. To have a significant and direct part in placing a person in a scandalous position; to influence a person to act contrary to social mores.

5. To make a person less than sexually pure (by some social definition of "purity"), said especially of taking away a woman's virginity without having married her first or, at least, without following up the act by marrying her.

6. To be the occasion of suspicion falling upon someone regarding that person's sexual behavior.

Comment: The term is frequently used in the passive, "to be compromised."

See also demi-vierge, virginity.

compulsory monogamy:

1. Monogamy (q.v.) as the only form of marriage allowed under law, all others being disallowed.

2. Monogamy as the only form of love relationship that is acceptable in the eyes of those who have or in the eyes of someone in particular who has power to influence one's life, all other forms being unacceptable.

See also caging, exclusivity, family values, matrimonialism, monogamism, monogamy-only position, one-and-only, one-wife system, traditional monogamy.

conaturality:

See connaturality.

conceptive phase:

The last of three stages of an erotosexual relationship, the stage of conception, pregnancy, and parenthood.

See also acceptive phase, chemistry of love, courtship, domestic love, erotosexual, habit of each other, in love, long-term love, mature love, old relationship energy, proceptive phase, romantic love, wooing.

concubinage:

1. The practice or custom of keeping one or more concubines.

2. Cohabitation without marriage of members of the opposite sex who are not closely related.

3. The state of being a concubine.

See also broom-stck marraige, cohabitation, concubine, other terms than marriage.

concubine:

1. A second-class wife, as might be found in a polygynous marriage.

2. A woman who is part of a man's household and a sex partner but who is not accorded the status of a full-fledged wife.

3. A man's female lover to whom he is not officially married.

Comments: Sometimes the word "concubine" is used alone for "male concubine" (q.v.).

The term "concubine," especially when applied to a woman, often implies a second-tier social status, unlike "secondary partner," for instance, which is usually only a matter of the level of relationship with a particular person.

Contrast cicisbeo (q.v.). See also chevese, cocotte, concubinage, conjux, contubernium, convenient woman, country wife, co-wife, free union, girl toy, harem, hetaera, huapala manawahi, kept woman, Law of the Conquered, lesser wife, mistress, odalisque, parnel, partner, pellicacy, petronalla, poplolly, secondary partner, secondary wife, wife.

Rabbi Meir and Rabbi Judah on the Difference between a Wife and a Concubine

What is a wife and what is a concubine?

R. Meir [2nd century C.E.] says, "A wife has a marriage contract [ketubah] and a concubine does not have a marriage contract."

R. Judah says, "Both this one and that one have a marriage contract. A wife has a marriage contract, which is subject to the normal stipulations associated therewith, and a concubine has a marriage contract, too, but it is not subject to the normal stipulations associated therewith."

Talmud Yerushalmi, Ketubot 5:2, III.A-C = 29d, as translated in: The Talmud of the Land of Israel: A Preliminary Translation and Explanation. Volume 22, Ketubot, translated by Jacob Neusner (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1985; in series: Chicago Studies in the History of Judaism). For a brief discussion of the passage, see: Tasting the Dish: Rabbinic Rhetorics of Sexuality, by Michael L. Satlow (Atlanta, Ga.: Scholars Press, c1995; in series: Brown Judaic Studies; no. 303): pp. 122-123. According to Satlow, the point has to do with the economic protections accorded.

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Concubines"

[§287] The taking of women is but a part of this process of spoiling the vanquished. Women are prized as wives, as concubines, as drudges; and, the men having been killed, the women are carried off along with other moveables. Everywhere among the uncivilized we find this.

[§308] Then there comes also the contrast between wives who are native women, and wives who are women taken as spoils of war. Hence, probably, the original way in which results the marking off into wives proper and concubines...

From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §287, p. 632; §308, p. 676.

Rabbi Meir and Rabbi Judah on the Difference between a Wife and a Concubine
What is a wife and what is a concubine? *R. Meir [2nd century C.E.] says, "A wife has a marriage contract [ketubah] and a concubine does not have a marriage contract."* R. Judah says, "Both this one and that one have a marriage contract. A wife has a marriage contract, which is subject to the normal stipulations associated therewith, and a concubine has a marriage contract, too, but it is not subject to the normal stipulations associated therewith."
Talmud Yerushalmi, Ketubot 5:2, III.A-C = 29d, as translated in: The Talmud of the Land of Israel: A Preliminary Translation and Explanation. Volume 22, Ketubot, translated by Jacob Neusner (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1985; in series: Chicago Studies in the History of Judaism). For a brief discussion of the passage, see: Tasting the Dish: Rabbinic Rhetorics of Sexuality, by Michael L. Satlow (Atlanta, Ga.: Scholars Press, c1995; in series: Brown Judaic Studies; no. 303): pp. 122-123. According to Satlow, the point has to do with the economic protections accorded.

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Concubines"
[§287] The taking of women is but a part of this process of spoiling the vanquished. Women are prized as wives, as concubines, as drudges; and, the men having been killed, the women are carried off along with other moveables. Everywhere among the uncivilized we find this.
[§308] Then there comes also the contrast between wives who are native women, and wives who are women taken as spoils of war. Hence, probably, the original way in which results the marking off into wives proper and concubines...
From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §287, p. 632; §308, p. 676.

concupy:

Short for concubine (q.v.).

Comment: There's a hint of concupiscence in the connotations of this word, a hint which Shakespeare played upon in Troilus and Cressida (1603): Act 5, Scene 2, line 177.

conditional love song:

A love song (q.v.) in an "if/then" mood, even if the words "if" and "then" are not used; romantic lyrics set to music that are expressive of preliminaries to falling in love or of what it would be like to be in love, perhaps with a particular person; lyrics that express a heart in which the possibilities of love are yet in suspension or have recently begun a process of formation.

Comment: The genre is perhaps most associated with the songwriting duo, Richard Rodgers (1902-1979) and Oscar Hammerstein II (1895-1960). Examples of theirs include, "People Will Say We're in Love," (in the musical Oklahoma!, 1943); "If I Loved You" (in the musical Carousel, 1945); and "Some Enchanted Evening," (in the musical, South Pacific, 1949).

See also discourse of desire, fall in love, love lyrics, love song, proceptive phase.

condo cowboy:

A senior male with multiple senior girlfriends, especially such a male who lives in a condominium or who frequents condominiums.

See also cowboy, polyamorist.

condom commitment:

An agreement between two or more people to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free intercourse to themselves, this as a protection against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Generally such a commitment entails being screened for STDs after the last unprotected sex outside the group or other possible exposure to an STD and prior to initiation or re-initiation of barrier-free sex within the group. Implicit in the commitment is the idea that other sorts of sexual contact outside the group are okay or at least more tolerable than unprotected sex outside the group.

Comment: Also called condom compact and condom contract.

See also abstinence pledge, body fluid monogamy, closed circle of f*** buddies, closed loop relationship, fluid monogamy, protected sex, safe sex circle, sexual circle, true love pledge, virginity pledge.

x condom compact.

x condom contract.

condom compact:

See condom commitment.

condom contract:

See condom commitment.

condone:

1. To approve of, especially tacitly.

2. To treat a sin against God or an offense against oneself or one's fellow as though it had never happened; to overlook a wrong.

3. To overlook a violation of the marriage vows on the part of one's spouse; to treat a spouse's adultery as nothing. This is a theological and legal use of the term.

See also adultery-toleration pact, arrangement, consensual adultery, hotwife, the lifestyle, malakos, new adultery, open marriage, sexual permissiveness, swing, wife-sharing, wittolry.

confarreation (Anglicized form of the Latin, confarreatio):

One of three types of Roman wedding, this one involving a sacrificial rite.

Comment: Among the ancient Romans, some marriages were solemnized with spelt-cake. Hence this word: "com" = "with" plus "farreum" = "spelt-cake."

See also breakfast together, coemption, diffarreation, marriage, usus, wedding.

x Latin terms.

Quotation from Henry Sumner Maine Illustrating "Confarreation"

[149] Anciently, there were three modes in which marriage might be contracted according to Roman usage, one involving a religious solemnity, the other two the observance of certain secular formalities. By the religious marriage or Confarreation; by the higher form of civil marriage, which was called Coemption; and by the lower form, which was termed Usus, the Husband acquired a number of rights over the person and property of his wife ... By the Confarreation, Coemption, and Usus, the woman passed in manum viri, that is, in law she became the Daughter of her husband... [150] These three ancient forms of marriage fell, however, gradually into disuse, so that, at the most splendid period of Roman greatness, they had almost entirely given place to a fashion of wedlock -- old apparently, but not hitherto considered reputable -- which was founded on a modification of the lower form of civil marriage.

From: Ancient Law: Its Connection with the Early History of Society and Its Relation to Modern Ideas, by Henry Sumner Maine; with introduction and notes by Frederick Pollock; preface to the Beacon paperback edition by Raymond Firth (Boston: Beacon Press, c1963): chapter 5, pp. 149-150. Reprint of the 10th ed. (1894). The first edition was published in 1861.

Quotation from Henry Sumner Maine Illustrating "Confarreation"
[149] Anciently, there were three modes in which marriage might be contracted according to Roman usage, one involving a religious solemnity, the other two the observance of certain secular formalities. By the religious marriage or Confarreation; by the higher form of civil marriage, which was called Coemption; and by the lower form, which was termed Usus, the Husband acquired a number of rights over the person and property of his wife ... By the Confarreation, Coemption, and Usus, the woman passed in manum viri, that is, in law she became the Daughter of her husband... [150] These three ancient forms of marriage fell, however, gradually into disuse, so that, at the most splendid period of Roman greatness, they had almost entirely given place to a fashion of wedlock -- old apparently, but not hitherto considered reputable -- which was founded on a modification of the lower form of civil marriage.
From: Ancient Law: Its Connection with the Early History of Society and Its Relation to Modern Ideas, by Henry Sumner Maine; with introduction and notes by Frederick Pollock; preface to the Beacon paperback edition by Raymond Firth (Boston: Beacon Press, c1963): chapter 5, pp. 149-150. Reprint of the 10th ed. (1894). The first edition was published in 1861.

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Confarreatio"

... we have the like in the old Roman form of confarreatio -- marriage constituted by jointly eating cake.

From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §279, p. 615. Originally published 1876.

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Confarreatio"
*... we have the like in the old Roman form of confarreatio* -- marriage constituted by jointly eating cake.**
From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §279, p. 615. Originally published 1876.

confirmed bachelor:

1. A man who is not married and is determined not to become married.

2. Code for a male homosexual (q.v.) who has not entered into a heterosexual marriage. Contrast never married (q.v.).

See also bachelor, free agent, off, not the marrying kind, out of circulation, single.

confirmed bachelorette:

A woman who is not married and is determined not to become married.

Coined by me in 2006, on analogy with "confirmed bachelorette." But perhaps it already exists.

See also bachelorette, free agent, off, not the marrying kind, out of circulation, single, singlette.

confirming:

In swinger parlance, two women engaging in sexual contact together as a way of defusing any sense of threat to a primary relationship with a male, who is about to engage in sexual activity with the woman not his primary partner. In other words, by way of sharing sexual intimacies, the man's female partner "confirms" that the other woman is not a threat, and the other woman "confirms" that engaging in sexual activity with that man is okay with his partner.

See also helping, lesbianism, reassurance, reconnecting, swing, watching.

conflict-habituated relationship:

See five kinds of relationship.

conflict of gender interest:

Competing or clashing agendas either between the sexes generally or between individual members of different sexes in a way that is tied to their sexual difference.

Note: For use of the word "gender," see note under "sex."

See also double standard, feminism.

x gender interest.

Quotation from Maureen Dowd Illustrating "Conflict of Gender Interest"

We have a conflict of gender interest, so it turns out to be counterproductive for women to imitate men.

From: Are Men Necessary? When Sexes Collide, [by] Maureen Dowd (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, c2005): p. 71.

Quotation from Maureen Dowd Illustrating "Conflict of Gender Interest"
We have a conflict of gender interest, so it turns out to be counterproductive for women to imitate men.
From: Are Men Necessary? When Sexes Collide, [by] Maureen Dowd (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, c2005): p. 71.

conjoin:

1. To link together.

2. To marry people to each other.

See also cleave, join, marry.

conjugal:

Of or relating to marriage (q.v.) or to a husband and wife in relation to each other, sometimes more specifically to sexual relations.

See also bridal, conjugial, connubial, gamical, hymeneal, marital, matrimonial, nuptial, quasi-conjugal dyad, spousal.

conjugal family:

A family (q.v.) organized around the relationship of a husband, a wife, and their children.

See also expanded family, nuclear family, two-parent family.

conjugal felicity:

Marital happiness; satisfaction in a spouse or the mutual satisfaction of spouses in each other; joy, on the part of spouses, in making each other happy and satisfied.

See also bliss, compatibility, conjugalism, domestic happiness, happy marriage (which see for additional lexical example), levament, nomogamosis, shalom bayit, successful marriage, true love.

Quotation from Ann Radcliffe Illustrating "Conjugal Felicity"

[Monsieur St. Aubert] retired to a small estate in Gascony, where conjugal felicity and parental duties divided his attention with the treaasures of knowledge and the illuminations of genius.

From the novel: The Mysteries of Udolpho, [by] Ann Radcliffe (London: J. M. Dent; New York: E. P. Dutton,1931; in series: Everyman's Library; no. 865): chapter 1, p. 2. Originally published, London: G. G. and J. Robinson, 1794.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Conjugal Felicity"

Had Elizabeth [Bennet]'s opinion been all drawn from her own family, she could not have formed a very pleasing picture of conjugal felicity or domestic comfort. Her father captivated by youth and beauty, and that appearance of good humour, which youth and beauty generally give, had married a woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind, had very early in their marriage put an end to all real affection for her. Respect, esteem, and confidence, had vanished for ever; and all his views of domestic happiness were overthrown. But Mr Bennet was not of a disposition to seek comfort for the disappointment which his own imprudence had brought on, in any of those pleasures which too often console the unfortunate for their folly or their vice. He was fond of the country and of books; and from these tastes had arisen his principal enjoyments. To his wife he was very little otherwise indebted, than as her ignorance and folly had contributed to his amusement. This is not the sort of happiness which a man would in general wish to owe to his wife; but where other powers of entertainment are wanting, the true philosopher will derive benefit from such as are given.

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 42, p. 300. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

Quotation from Ann Radcliffe Illustrating "Conjugal Felicity"
[Monsieur St. Aubert] retired to a small estate in Gascony, where conjugal felicity and parental duties divided his attention with the treaasures of knowledge and the illuminations of genius.
From the novel: The Mysteries of Udolpho, [by] Ann Radcliffe (London: J. M. Dent; New York: E. P. Dutton,1931; in series: Everyman's Library; no. 865): chapter 1, p. 2. Originally published, London: G. G. and J. Robinson, 1794.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Conjugal Felicity"
Had Elizabeth [Bennet]'s opinion been all drawn from her own family, she could not have formed a very pleasing picture of conjugal felicity or domestic comfort. Her father captivated by youth and beauty, and that appearance of good humour, which youth and beauty generally give, had married a woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind, had very early in their marriage put an end to all real affection for her. Respect, esteem, and confidence, had vanished for ever; and all his views of domestic happiness were overthrown. But Mr Bennet was not of a disposition to seek comfort for the disappointment which his own imprudence had brought on, in any of those pleasures which too often console the unfortunate for their folly or their vice. He was fond of the country and of books; and from these tastes had arisen his principal enjoyments. To his wife he was very little otherwise indebted, than as her ignorance and folly had contributed to his amusement. This is not the sort of happiness which a man would in general wish to owe to his wife; but where other powers of entertainment are wanting, the true philosopher will derive benefit from such as are given.
From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 42, p. 300. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

conjugalism:

The art of making a good marriage.

Source: New Monthly Magazine; v. 8 (1823): p. 409, as quoted in The Oxford English Dictionary, where "conjugalism" is called a nonce word.

See also conjugal felicity, domestic happiness, happy marriage, nomogamosis, shalom bayit, successful marriage.

conjugal love:

An abiding affection and caring of one spouse for another, especially when it includes sexual expression.

Contrast scortatory love (q.v.). See also affection, agapic love, love, maritality, marital love, married life, uxorious.

conjugal paranoia:

Delusional jealousy (q.v.) within marriage.

See also jealousy.

conjugal rights:

Appropriate expectations within a marriage as to the marital relationship itself, for instance, the expectation of affection, of having the company of one's spouse, of receiving comfort from one's spouse, of not being neglected sexually by one's spouse, and, at least where monogamy-only is the understanding, of sexual exclusivity (q.v.).

Comment: Regarding conjugal rights in the Bible, see Exodus 21:10 and 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5.

See also alienation of affections, conjugal visit, consortium, desertion, loyal husband, loyal wife, marriage debt, married life, mock marriage, quasi-desertion, reconstituted marriage, withhold sex.

x rights.

conjugal visit:

The coming together of spouses or lovers, for a limited duration, in the place where one is staying or is kept, individuals who, usually due to exigencies, such as the incarceration of one of them, are otherwise apart.

Comment: The term implies a sustaining of ties; and, further, it often implies provision for sexual activity.

See also conjugal rights, right to sex.

conjugial:

Relating to marriage, as marriage was conceived by the Swedish scientist, philosopher, and religious writer, Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772), and subsequently by his followers.

conjunction:

1. A joining together or a being joined together.

2. Copulation.

3. A sexual relationship.

4. A marriage.

See also bond, communion, connection, marriage, physical relationship, sexual relationship.

Quotations from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Conjunction"

[Chapter 1, p. 11, regarding Hermione Roddice and Rupert Birkin] The more she strove to bring him to her, the more he battled her back. And they had been lovers now, for years... She only needed his conjunction with her.

And this, this conjunction with her, which was his highest fulfillment also, with the perverseness of a wilful child he wanted to deny.

[Chapter 13, p. 139, Rupert Birkin to Ursula Brangwen] "What I want is a strange conjunction with you ----" he said quietly; "-- not meeting and mingling; -- you are quite right: -- but an equilibrium, a pure balance of two single beings: -- as the stars balance each other."

[Chapter 13, p. 143, Rupert Birkin to Ursula Brangwen] "I do think," he said, "that the world is only held together by the mystic conjunction, the ulitmate unison between people -- a bond. And the immediate bond is between man and woman."

[Chapter 16, p. 191] He [Rupert Birkin] wanted sex to revert to the level of the other appetites, to be regarded as a functional process, not as a fulfillment. He believed in sex marriage. But beyond this he wanted a further conjunction, where man had being and woman had being, two pure beings, each constituting the freedom of the other, balancing each other like two poles of one force, like two angels, or two demons.

[Chapter 16, p. 198] Quite other things were going through Birkin's mind. Suddenly he saw himself confronted with another problem -- the problem of love and eternal conjunction between two men. Of course this was necessary -- it had been a necessity inside himself all his life -- to love a man purely and fully.

From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960). Early editions:

New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920.

London: Martin Secker, 1921.

Quotations from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Conjunction"
[Chapter 1, p. 11, regarding Hermione Roddice and Rupert Birkin] The more she strove to bring him to her, the more he battled her back. And they had been lovers now, for years... She only needed his conjunction with her. And this, this conjunction with her, which was his highest fulfillment also, with the perverseness of a wilful child he wanted to deny.
[Chapter 13, p. 139, Rupert Birkin to Ursula Brangwen] "What I want is a strange conjunction with you ----" he said quietly; "-- not meeting and mingling; -- you are quite right: -- but an equilibrium, a pure balance of two single beings: -- as the stars balance each other."
[Chapter 13, p. 143, Rupert Birkin to Ursula Brangwen] "I do think," he said, "that the world is only held together by the mystic conjunction, the ulitmate unison between people -- a bond. And the immediate bond is between man and woman."
[Chapter 16, p. 191] He [Rupert Birkin] wanted sex to revert to the level of the other appetites, to be regarded as a functional process, not as a fulfillment. He believed in sex marriage. But beyond this he wanted a further conjunction, where man had being and woman had being, two pure beings, each constituting the freedom of the other, balancing each other like two poles of one force, like two angels, or two demons.
[Chapter 16, p. 198] Quite other things were going through Birkin's mind. Suddenly he saw himself confronted with another problem -- the problem of love and eternal conjunction between two men. Of course this was necessary -- it had been a necessity inside himself all his life -- to love a man purely and fully.
From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960). Early editions: New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920. London: Martin Secker, 1921.

conjux, or conjunx, or coiux (Latin):

1. A spouse; a mate; a husband or a wife, historically usually a wife.

2. One betrothed (poetic usage).

3. A bride (poetic usage).

4. A concubine (poetic usage).

5. A companion; a comrad; an attendant.

See also betrothed, bride, concubine, companion, heroina conjunx, husband, mate, spouse, wife.

connaturality:

1. Innateness; what came with or as part of one's nature.

2. Being much the same; having a similar make-up.

3. A likeness in ways of being and thought that, when recognized, can lead to a further recognition of being soul mates; spiritual connection; exceptional companionability.

See also affinity, communion, compatibility, connection, elective affinity, kinship, made for each other, marriage of true minds, match made in heaven, Miss Right, Mister Right, Ms. Right, mystic betrothal, mystic marriage, propinquity, sexual connection, soul mate, spiritual connection, spiritual intimacy, spiritual marriage, togetherness, true love, vibe.

x conaturality.

Quotation from Gervase Mathew Illustrating "Connaturality"

Because it [amour courtois or courtly love] is the love of another for the other's sake it finds its expression in giving and serving, not in getting, and is frustrated not when it fails to get but when it ceases to give. Therefore love service is the essential expression of amour courtois. In contrast to a blind and transient passion, amour fol, courtly love was conceived as amour voulu, an unchanging disposition of the individual will. It was the expression of an instinctive connaturality between two individuals and therefore could be conceived as part of the lover's nature.

From: "Marriage and Amour Courtois in Late Fourteenth-Century England," [by] Gervase Mathew, in: Essays Presented to Charles Williams, contributors, Dorothy Sayers, J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, A. O. Barfield, Gervase Mathew, W. H. Lewis (London; New York: Oxford University Press, 1947): pp. [128]-135, specifically p. 131.

Quotation from Gervase Mathew Illustrating "Connaturality"
Because it [amour courtois or courtly love] is the love of another for the other's sake it finds its expression in giving and serving, not in getting, and is frustrated not when it fails to get but when it ceases to give. Therefore love service is the essential expression of amour courtois. In contrast to a blind and transient passion, amour fol, courtly love was conceived as amour voulu, an unchanging disposition of the individual will. It was the expression of an instinctive connaturality between two individuals and therefore could be conceived as part of the lover's nature.
From: "Marriage and Amour Courtois in Late Fourteenth-Century England," [by] Gervase Mathew, in: Essays Presented to Charles Williams, contributors, Dorothy Sayers, J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, A. O. Barfield, Gervase Mathew, W. H. Lewis (London; New York: Oxford University Press, 1947): pp. [128]-135, specifically p. 131.

connect:

1. To join physically.

2. To participate in a mutual understanding and sympathy.

3. To participate in a sense of solidarity with others.

4. To come into contact with and to serve as a vehicle for the forces of nature or behind nature.

5. To become involved with another.

6. To participate in an intangible relation to another person, whether direct or indirect.

See also connection.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Connect"

[Regarding Ursula Brangwen and Rupert Birkin] She would have to touch him. To speak, to see, was nothing. It was a travesty to look and to comprehend the man there. Darkness and silence must fall perfectly on her, then she could know mystically, in unrevealed touch. She must lightly, mindlessly connect with him, have the knowledge which is the death of knowledge, the reality of surety in not knowing.

From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 23, p. 311. Early editions:

New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920.

London: Martin Secker, 1921.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Connect"
[Regarding Ursula Brangwen and Rupert Birkin] She would have to touch him. To speak, to see, was nothing. It was a travesty to look and to comprehend the man there. Darkness and silence must fall perfectly on her, then she could know mystically, in unrevealed touch. She must lightly, mindlessly connect with him, have the knowledge which is the death of knowledge, the reality of surety in not knowing.
From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 23, p. 311. Early editions: New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920. London: Martin Secker, 1921.

connection:

1. A physical joining.

2. A mutual understanding and sympathy of an exceptional sort, due in part to a happy combination of similarities and complementarities; a connatural sharing in soulfulness.

3. The state of being in touch with the realm of life and especially human life by way of both physical experience, including one's experience as a sexual being, and one's sensibilities; a sense of solidarity with others.

4. The state of having a sense of being both closely in touch with and a vehicle for the forces behind nature and of nature, including, perhaps, such forces as love and libido.

5. An involvement of some sort with another or the nature of such an involvement.

6. An intangible relation to another person, either direct or indirect.

7. A family tie.

8. A point or means of contact that can serve as a channel of communication.

9. A person who can serve as an entré, because, for instance:

that person owes one a favor;

that person's interests within a social network are thereby advanced; or,

that person has a pre-existing favorable impression of oneself or of somebody who cares for oneself.

Comments: Of course, there are many other senses; but these are the ones that may have some special bearing on relationships.

With regard to the last sense, the plural, "connections," is usually used, sometimes even if only one person is meant.

See also affinity, communion, conjunction, connaturality, connect, erotic connection, fellow feeling, irregular connection, kinship, macarism, missed connection, mystic betrothal, mystic marriage, poly connected, seeble, sexual connection, soul mate, spiritual connection, spiritual intimacy, spiritual marriage, take (one's) breath away, thing, togetherness, true love, vibe.

Quotations from Captain James Cook Illustrating "Connection"

[Thursday, February 13, 1777, New Zealand]

A connection with Women I allow because I cannot prevent it, but never encourage tho many Men are of opinion it is one of the greatest securities amongst Indians, and it may hold good when you intend to settle amongst them; but with travelers and strangers, it is generally otherwise and more men are betrayed than saved by having connection with their women, and how can it be otherwise sence all their View are selfish without the least mixture of regard or attachment whatever; at least my observations which have been pretty general, have not pointed out to me one instance to the contrary.

[Tuesday, January 20, 1778, Hawaiian Islands]

As there were some venereal complaints on board both the Ships, in order to prevent its being communicated to these people, I gave orders that no Women, on any account whatever were to be admited on board the Ships, I also forbid all manner of connection with them, and ordered that none who had veneral upon them should go out of the ships.

[Thursday, October 22, 1778, Unalaska]

The Women grant the last favour without the least scruple; young or old, Married or Single, I have been told, never hisitate a Moment. The Russians told us they never had any connections with the Indian Women, because they were not Christians; our people were not so scruplus, and some were taken in, for the Venereal distemper is not unknown to these people ...

From: The Journals of Captain Cook, prepared from the original manuscripts by J. C. Beaglehole for the Hakluyt Society, 1955-67; selected and edited by Philip Edwards (London, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1999): pp. 452, 532, 590. Spellings are as shown, including "sence, "admited," "veneral," "hisitate," and "scruplus."

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Connections"

[Regarding the character, Rupert Birkin] His life now seemed so reduced that he hardly cared any more... Why bother about human relationships? Why take them seriously -- male or female? Why form any serious connections at all? Why not be casual, drifting along, taking all for what it was worth?

And yet, still, he was damned and doomed to the old effort at serious living.

From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 23, pp. 293-294. Early editions:

New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920.

London: Martin Secker, 1921.

Quotation from Armistead Maupin Illustrating "Connection"

It was one of those moments of uncomplicated connection that made up for all the grueling compromises of marriage.

From the novel: Babycakes, [by] Armistead Maupin (New York: Harper & Row, 1984; "Perennial Library"; Tales of the City Series; v. 4)): p. 151.

Quotations from Curt Leviant Illustrating Two Senses of "Connection"

[The situation: an affair between two individuals married to others]

[179] "The only time this emptiness overwhelms me," he [Guido] admitted, "is if I imagine you are gone."

[Aviva] "Aha! And how would you know? Suppose I got killed over the weekend? Let's say on Friday night. Or had to be rushed to the hospital. How would you know? How would I let you know? Would you come to visit? Or suppose something happened to you. Could I come to see you? See? That's the awful part of this relationship. The normal connections aren't there."

[12 at end] Aviva was like a pussycat longing to be cuddled, not for just a day, not for just a year, but always. And she constantly hoped that her temporary liaisons would be the always connection, But they never were because she always found fault.

From: Diary of an Adulterous Woman: A Novel: Including an ABC Directory That Offers Alphabetical Tidbits and Surprises, [by] Curt Leviant ([Syracuse, N.Y.]: Syracuse University Press, 2001; in series: Library of Modern Jewish Literature): p. 179; also p. 12 of the Directory at end, s.v. "Advantage, others took of her," which is referenced from p. 170 of the novel.

Quotations from Captain James Cook Illustrating "Connection"
[Thursday, February 13, 1777, New Zealand] A connection with Women I allow because I cannot prevent it, but never encourage tho many Men are of opinion it is one of the greatest securities amongst Indians, and it may hold good when you intend to settle amongst them; but with travelers and strangers, it is generally otherwise and more men are betrayed than saved by having connection with their women, and how can it be otherwise sence all their View are selfish without the least mixture of regard or attachment whatever; at least my observations which have been pretty general, have not pointed out to me one instance to the contrary.
[Tuesday, January 20, 1778, Hawaiian Islands] As there were some venereal complaints on board both the Ships, in order to prevent its being communicated to these people, I gave orders that no Women, on any account whatever were to be admited on board the Ships, I also forbid all manner of connection with them, and ordered that none who had veneral upon them should go out of the ships.
[Thursday, October 22, 1778, Unalaska] The Women grant the last favour without the least scruple; young or old, Married or Single, I have been told, never hisitate a Moment. The Russians told us they never had any connections with the Indian Women, because they were not Christians; our people were not so scruplus, and some were taken in, for the Venereal distemper is not unknown to these people ...
From: The Journals of Captain Cook, prepared from the original manuscripts by J. C. Beaglehole for the Hakluyt Society, 1955-67; selected and edited by Philip Edwards (London, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1999): pp. 452, 532, 590. Spellings are as shown, including "sence, "admited," "veneral," "hisitate," and "scruplus."

connubial:

Of or relating to marriage (q.v.) or to a husband and wife in relation to each other.

See also bridal, conjugal, gamical, hymeneal, marital, matrimonial, nuptial, spousal.

conquest:

1. A gain achieved by a victory, especially a victory that entails the overcoming of resistance.

2. The process, through to completion, that led to such a gain.

3. A success in gaining another's sexual favors.

4. A person who gives sexual favors, in relation to the person who gained them.

5. A success in making another person fall in love with oneself.

6. A person who has fallen in love, in relation to the person who gained that love.

7. Property acquired by way of a marriage contract.

Comment: In senses 3 and 4, also called a sexual conquest.

See also escapade romantique, fling, in love, Law of the Conquered, make (a person) fall in love with, male-want, pickup, prospect, target; dowry.

x sexual conquest.

Quotation from Erica Jong Illustrating "Conquest"

He could | convince any girl into bed -- after which he got bored. Conquest versus closeness.

From: Seducing the Demon: Writing for My Life, [by] Erica Jong (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, c2006): pp. 100-101.

consanguine:

Pertaining to consanguinity (q.v.).

See also consanguineous, monogeneous.

consanguine family:

1. A family (q.v.) organized around the marriage (q.v.) of persons who are descended from a common ancestor, for instance, the marriage of a brother and a sister.

2. A family organized around blood relationships rather than around one or more husband-wife relationships.

See also family based on consanguinity, matriarchal family.

consanguineous:

Pertaining to consanguinity (q.v.).

See also consanguine, monogeneous.

consanguinity:

A kinship relation by common ancestry.

Contrast affinity (q.v.). See also clan, cognate, consanguine, consanguineous, diagramming kinship ties, forbidden degrees, kinship, monogenism, sibred, uncle.

conscious courtship:

A process of romantic bonding that is deliberately grounded not just in attraction but also, to a degree sufficient for relationship survival, in the alignment of values and goals.

See also courtship.

consecutive polygamy:

See serial marriage, serial monogamy.

consensual adultery:

Engaging in sexual activity with one or more others, outside of one's marriage, with the consent of one's spouse or spouses.

Comment: Since the definition of "adultery" varies from culture to culture and marriage to marriage and even within religious traditions, and since the term carries heavy pejorative overtones, other terms are often used instead of "consensual adultery," such as "comarital relationship."

See also adultery, adultery-toleration pact, arrangement, comarital, condone, intermarital sex, the lifestyle, multilateral sexuality, new adultery, open couple, open group marriage, open marriage, open relationship, rules of adultery, sexual nonexclusivity, consensual adultery, swing, veto rule, wittee.

consensual marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) simply by consent of the parties to the marriage. Naturally the parties must be competent to give consent.

See also broomstick -marriage, common law marriage, consent to marriage, informal marriage.

consensual relationship agreement:

See love contract.

consensual sex:

Sexual activity willingly engaged in by each of the participants; voluntary sexual activity.

Comments: In many jurisdictions, consent to sexual activity given by a minor up to some legally specified age with others of a certain legally specified age range is not recognized.

Contrast rape (q.v.), unwanted sex (q.v.), and unwelcome admixture with sexuality (q.v.). See also boundary, consent to sex (which see for comments), consexuality, make love to, "No" means "no," obligatory sex (which see for comment), sex, sexual autonomy.

consensual union (Population Reference Bureau):

Cohabitation by an unmarried couple for an extended period of time.

consensus nuptialis (Roman law):

Mutual will of a man and a woman to be husband and wife, which is what is expressed in a proper wedding (q.v.).

See also consent to marriage, nuptias non concubitus sed consensus facit.

x Latin terms.

consensus sponsalitius (Roman law):

Betrothal (q.v.) by mutual consent.

x Latin terms.

consent to marriage:

A sincerely stated willingness to wed a particular person at a particular time, which in many cultures is considered necessary on the part of each party before a marriage can be constituted.

See also consensual marriage, consensus nuptialis, consent to sex, marriage, nuptias non concubitus sed consensus facit.

consent to sex, as in "one's consent to sex":

The definitions of "consent to sex" vary enormously in general usage. A fairly minimal definition would look like this:

The uncoerced expression -- by words, actions, or passive acceptance -- of willingness on the part of a person who has come of age to engage in a form of sexual activity with a particular individual or particular individuals, both at the time the activity commences and as it progresses.

Comments: Among the countless variations on this definition in general usage are these:

"Uncoerced": Some would go further and say that any kind of pressure or circumstance that would make one feel uncomfortable in saying "no" negates genuine consent.

"Passive acceptance": Some think that passive acceptance is not enough to constitute consent, even that a verbal expression of consent is necessary.

"Willingness": Some equate "wanting it" with willingness, rather than distinguishing desire and volition, which can be a check on desire. Often there is no check at all on desire in willingness; but if there is, many others would agree that there is more to consent than mere desire; and, indeed, that was my initial intent in use of the word "willingness."

"A person who has come of age": Some point out that "of age" is an artificial construct, a point in life more or less arbitrarily defined by society rather than according to the sexual and intellectual maturation of the individual. Furthermore, some point out that children, although generally unaware of long-term consequences and often easily taken advantage of by their elders, are capable of giving childish consent to their peers for sex play.

"Particular individuals": Some suggest that the will of one is naturally cowed by the will of many and that therefore a gangbang with, for instance, five on one, cannot be considered genuinely consensual on the part of the one -- sex work, in some cases, being excepted. One would suppose that this issue should be settled by the facts of each case rather than by definition.

"At the time the activity commences": Some would make additional allowance for prearrangement. Furthermore, some argue that certain kinds of relationships, including marriage, imply a constant consent, at least formally. However, spousal rape is now recognized as a crime in some jurisdictions.

"As it progresses": Some would delete this phrase from the definition, the argument being that once sexual activity has arrived at a certain stage, it must be allowed to be brought to a conclusion, for not only are the passions too inflamed for sober judgment, but a reversal of consent would be cruel and a violation of the mutuality already established. Furthermore, watching for consent at every moment during sexual activity brings a tentativeness to it that is sometimes not wanted by the parties. However, many others insist that a person has a right to say "no" any time and so bring a cessation to sexual activity or to the direction in which it was going.

The principle that sexual activity should be voluntary has become central to many a sexual ethic and has become increasingly engrained in Western sexual mores; however, the above comments hardly exhaust the issues. For example, should the principle extend beyond the parties involved in sexual activity together to others who may be affected emotionally or otherwise; and, if so, to what extent?

Contrast marital rape (q.v.)., rape (q.v.), spousal rape (q.v.). and unwelcome admixture with sexuality (q.v.). See also bodily integrity, boundary, consensual sex, consent to sex (verb), consexuality, erotic deontology, moral code, new morality, next-tier sexual ethics, "No" means "no," obligatory sex (which see for comment), precondition for sex, RACK, seduction, separation of sex and power, sex, sexosophy, sexual autonomy, sexual ethics, sexual justice, sexual morality, sexual mores, SSC.

Quotation from Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt Illustrating "Consent"

[21-22] ... we mean [by consent] "an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned." If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to or ignored, what is happening is not consensual. And sex which is not consensual is not ethical -- period.

[103] This [the above definition] means that everybody involved must agree to whatever activity is proposed, and must also feel safe enough that they could decline if they wished. We believe that if you are not free to say "no," you can't really say "yes." We also think it essential that everyone involved understands the consequences of both responses, which is another way of saying that it's not acceptable to take advantage of someone's naïveté.

[106] We cannot say this often enough: You have a right to your limits and it is totally okay to say no to any form of sex you don't like or are not comfortable with... if you want to learn to like it, we think there are better ways to do that than to succumb to guilt-tripping, shaming or outright bullying.

From: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, [by] Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (San Francisco, CA: Greenery Press, c1997): pp. 21 (for the first three words)-22, 103-106 (with a chart intervening); cf. pp. 192-195.

consent to sex, as in "to consent to sex":

To express by words, actions, or passive acceptance one's willingness to engage in a form of sexual activity with a particular individual or particular individuals, both at the time the activity commences and as it progresses.

See also consent to sex (noun; which see for comments).

consequences of sex outside of marriage:

A moralistic phrase used to evoke fear of the hazards of engaging in sexual activity with someone to whom one is not wed, especially on the part of those who have never yet married, hazards such as:

pregnancy out of wedlock, accompanied by shame and economic hardship;

sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), most seriously, in this day and age, AIDS;

emotional pain;

loss of the ability to give oneself to one's spouse or future spouse as chaste, followed by the preying effects that can have upon a marriage; and,

eternal damnation, short of full repentance.

Comments: Curiously the phrase, if I judge aright, is used in the present day chiefly by people who, far from being utilitarian or pragmatic or consequentialist in their ethical thought, are instead oriented to duty or to the absolute and universal demands of God upon humankind with regard to moral behavior. However, the this-worldly consequences in the usual lists are either reducible risks (pregnancy and STDs) or matters of mutable attitude (shame and preying effects) or part of the vagaries of life (economic hardship, emotional pain, and a measure of risk -- all three even in marriage); and such relativities can never be sufficient material for the building or maintenance of a universal ethic. If a universal ethic is based on such consequences and consequences can be largely contained by use of a latex condom and by adjustment of attitudes, then the universal ethic collapses, however much its adherents might rail against risk-reduction measures.

Still, sex is not risk-free, and marriage does often entail social approval and protections. Furthermore, sex is one of the most powerful forces native to humankind, since from it come future generations and, largely, the demographic shape of society. In addition, much might be argued about the effects of unbridled sex upon character and upon the fiber of society. It is no wonder that many cultures have sought to tame it.

See also abstinence, fornication, marriage, moral code, nonmarital sex, no sex outside of marriage, out of wedlock, porneia, postmarital sex, premarital intercourse, premarital sex, public character of sex, sex, sexosophy, sexual immorality, sexual morality, traditional morality.

consexual, as in "a consexual" (Scott Hampton, 2003):

A person committed to:

limiting his or her sexual contact with others to that which is fully consensual; and,

confronting those people and institutions that are sexually violent or exploitive.

Comment: The wording follows fairly closely that of Scott Hampton in a message of November 7, 2003 at the Men Can Stop Rape "Discussion" site.

See also consexual, consexuality.

The Consexual Creed

Consexuals enjoy mutually satisfying sexual relationships due to their respectful attitudes and choices.

Consexuals believe that their partner's sexual safety and autonomy are always more important than their own sexual access and satisfaction.

Consexuals take steps to ensure that they have fully informed consent prior to engaging in any sexual behavior. Consexuals view sexual contact as a privilege to receive, never a right to demand from someone.

Consexuals believe that there is no justification for engaging in sexual contact without consent. They never force, coerce, manipulate or deceive others to have sex with them.

Consexuals take full responsibility for their own sexual behavior. They do not blame others.

Consexuals never seek sexual contact with those who are incapable of granting consent (e.g., those who are underage, drunk, unconscious, etc.).

Consexuals realize that anyone who has given consent may withdraw that consent at any time, without needing to justify that decision: "When in doubt, stop and check it out."

Consexuals disclose relevant information (e.g., exposure to disease, attitudes toward pregnancy, commitment to the relationship, etc.) so that their potential sexual partners can make informed decisions.

Consexuals promote sexual safety by confronting abusive attitudes and behavior.

Copyright ©2003. From a post on the Men Can Stop Rape "Discussions" site. The post is dated November 7, 2003, 12:34 p.m., and the author is Scott Hampton, who, on March 15, 2004, provided the following permission:

"Hi. I am Scott Hampton and am the one you found on the internet. You have my permission to quote The Consexual Creed in your website/book. Please list source. I coined the terms consexual and consexuality in 2003. 'Consexual' comes from two words (consent and sex) and indicates a person who believes in and adheres to having sex only if that sex is fully consensual. Consexuals also encourage others to do the same. 'Consexuality' refers to the concept of consensual sex. These terms arose out of our project 'The Consexuality Project' that is a sexual violence prevention and intervention initiative designed to promote sexual safety. The Consexual Creed lists the principles upon which that project is based and serves as a personal pledge against sexual violence.

"Thank you for your interest and please let me know if you have other questions."

Scott Hampton, Director, Ending The Violence, Home of The Consexuality Project, 90 Washington Street, Suite 305, Dover, NH 03820

consexual, as in "Consexual Creed" (Scott Hampton, 2003):

Pertaining to or characterized by consexuals or consexuality.

See also consexual, consexuality.

consexuality (Scott Hampton, 2003):

Mutually consensual sexual relations, especially conceived of as an ethical limitation on sexual activity with others.

Comment: Consent generally requires (a) making sure that a person is willing to proceed, (b) capability on the part of that person to make a responsible choice, (c) disclosure of pertinent data for that person to make an informed choice, (d) absence of any sort of coercion, and (e) right of refusal at any point.

See also bodily integrity, boundary, consensual sex, consexual, consent to sex, liberty, moral code, new morality, precondition for sex, rape, relationship freedom, separation of sex and power, sexual autonomy, sexual ethics, sexual justice, sexual morality, third way in sexual ethics, unwelcome admixture with sexuality.

consolation marriage:

A marriage that is the result of at least one of the parties being unable to marry his or her first choice for a mate and so instead settling for someone else or, perhaps, for a non-monogamous form of marriage, this "settling for" being considered by the party or parties as better than the immediately available options, including staying single.

Comment: Note the movie entitled "Consolation Marriage" (1931), starring Pat O'Brien and Irene Dunne, with John Halliday and Myrna Loy.

See also marriage, rebound relationship, second-choice husband, second-choice spouse, second-choice wife, settle for, sloppy seconds.

consort:

1. A companion in life, especially one of the opposite sex.

2. A spouse, especially the spouse of a monarch.

Contrast, for instance, escort (q.v.). See also companion, farmer's wife, fere, goodwife, monogyny, partner, pastor's wife.

Some related terms beyond the scope of this glossary: baroness, contessa, countess, czarina, czaritza, dame, duchess, empress, first lady, lady, marchioness, marquise, princess, queen, squaw-sachem, vicereine, viscountess, yeowoman.

A Title Page Illustrating "Consort"

Bibliographically described: The Christian Mourning with Hope: A Sermon, Delivered at Beverly, Nov. 14, 1808, on Occasion of the Death of Mrs. Eleanor Emerson, Late Consort of the Rev. Joseph Emerson, by Samuel Worcester; to which are annexed writings of Mrs. Emerson, with a brief sketch of her life (Sutton: Sewall Goodridge, 1810). From the collection of Norman Elliott Anderson. Photographed by NEA, June 22, 2003.

consortium (legal term):

The aspects of a marriage that meet the appropriate expectations of the marriage itself, such as affection, companionship, cooperation, and the meeting of sexual needs.

See also alienation of affections, conjugal rights, loyal husband, loyal wife, marriage debt, reconstituted marriage, withhold sex.

consort with:

1. To associate with; to be in the company of with a sense of mutual belonging; to hang out with.

2. To engage in sexual activity with.

See also cleave, make love to, mate, stud, take.

constancy:

1. A steadiness and consistency of affection for a person; continuous adherence of one's heart to a person; persistent love.

2. The personal quality that cultivates steadiness of affection.

3. Emotional steadiness.

For lexical example, see under "union."

See also emotional fidelity, faithfulness, fidelity, inconstancy, troth, unconditional love, undying love.

constant:

Characterized by constancy (q.v.).

See also faithful, fidelious, inconstant, true.

constant companion:

1. A person, whether friend or lover, from whom one is inseparable.

2. A steady friend.

3. A pet from whom one is inseparable.

See companion, lover, partner.

consuegro (Spanish):

A parent of one's son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

Comment: Two people whose children marry become consuegros to each other.

See also in-law, kinship, mekhuteneste, mekhutn, mekhutonim.

x Spanish terms.

consummate:

1. To complete; to finish; to fulfill.

2. To perform the act of sexual intercourse that caps off and seals the wedding of a man and a woman.

3. To conclude a flirtation with copulation.

4. In swinger parlance, to engage in a first-time sexual encounter with a particular person or a couple, said of a couple.

5. To engage in a mystical joining.

See also consummation, flirt, swing.

Quotation from Erica Jong Illustrating "Consummated"

Perhaps I was lucky the flirtation was never consummated.

From: Seducing the Demon: Writing for My Life, [by] Erica Jong (New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, c2006): p. 41.

consummate love:

In the triangular theory of love, love (q.v.) that is complete in that it consists of passion, intimacy, and commitment -- all three.

See also committed love relationship, intimacy, passion, triangular theory of love.

consummation:

1. Completion; fulfillment.

2. The act of sexual intercourse that caps off and seals the wedding of a man and a woman. The cultural idea of consummation implies that there is more to wedding than merely sexual intercourse, for instance, the intention to establish a marriage and, perhaps, certain sorts of social recognition that entail the fulfilling of certain requirements.

3. Copulation as a conclusion of flirtation.

4. In swinger parlance, a couple's first-time sexual encounter with a particular person or couple.

5. A mystical joining.

Contrast koitogamy (q.v.) with the first sense. See also consummate, cruelty, flirtation, informal marriage, mariage blanc, marriage shock, menstruant as forbidden, ratified marriage, sexual connection, solemnization, wedding night syndrome, white marriage; swing.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Consummation"

[Rupert Birkin ruminating] In the new, superfine bliss, a peace superseding knowledge, there was no I and you, there was only the third, unrealised wonder, the wonder of existing not as oneself, but in a consummation of my being and of her being [that of Ursula Brangwen] in a new one, a new, paradisal unit regained from the duality. How can I say "I love you" when I have ceased to be, and you have ceased to be: we are both caught up and transcended into a new oneness where everything is silent, because there is nothing to answer, all is perfect and at one. Speech travels between the separate parts. But in the perfect One there is perfect silence of bliss.

From the novel: Women in Love, [by] D. H. Lawrence; with a foreword by the author and an introduction by Richard Aldington (New York: Viking Press, 1960): chapter 27, pp. 361-362. Early editions:

New York: Privately printed for subscribers only, 1920.

London: Martin Secker, 1921.

contextual ethics:

See contextualism.

contextualism:

In ethics, the theory that goodness is not to be achieved by the same set of behaviors and restraints in every social system or in every set of circumstances, that adaptability to a given context is vital to both moral formation and moral decision-making, and that, if the rules of one social system aimed at achieving goodness (such as those of the Israelites recorded in the Bible) are to be applied to another social system, they must undergo a thoughgoing adaptation for their principle of achieving goodness to be properly upheld.

Comment: Also called contextual ethics.

The form of contextualism known as Christian contextualism had as perhaps its most prominent proponent, Paul L. Lehmann (1906-1994).

See also ethical relativism, ethics, geosexual ethics, sexual ethics, sexual morality.

x Bible.

x contextual ethics.

continence or continency:

1. A state of and ability to continue sexual abstinence.

2. Sexual self-restraint, so as to continue in chastity (q.v.).

3. Ability to control one's urination and defecation.

Contrast incontinence (q.v.). See also abstinence, celibacy, Tobias nights, traditional morality.

Quotation from Augustine of Hippo Illustrating "Continence"

[Translation] I thought I would became very miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of a woman. I did not think the medicine of your [God's] mercy could heal that infirmity because I had not tried it. I believed continence to be achieved by personal resources which I was not aware of possessing. I was so stupid as not to know that, as it is written (Wisd. 8:21), 'no one can be continent unless you grant it.' You would surely have granted it if my inward groaning had struck your ears and with firm faith I had cast my care on you.

[The Latin text] putabam enim me miserum fore nimis, si feminae privarer amplexibus, et medicinam misericordiae tuae ad eandem infirmitatem sanandam non cogitabam, quia expertus non eram; et propriarum virium credebam esse continentiam, quarum mihi non eram conscius, cum tam stultus essem, ut nescirem, sicut scriptum est, neminem posse esse continentem, nisi tu dederis. utique dares, si gemitu interno pulsarem aures tuas et fide solida in te iactarem curam meam.

The translation is from: Confessions, [by] Saint Augustine [A.D. 354-430]; translated with an introduction and notes by Henry Chadwick (Oxford; New York: Oxford University Press, 1991): p. 106 = 6.11.20. The Latin text follows the Loeb Classical Library edition (1912).

Quotation from Augustine of Hippo Illustrating "Continency"

[Translation] Give me chastity and continency, but do not give it yet.

[Latin text] Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo.

Augustine, Confessions 8:7, William Watts translation (1631) and Latin text as reflected in the Loeb Classical Library (1912).

contract, love:

See love contract.

contract marriage:

1. A marriage (q.v.) that is formed by the parties themselves, and which becomes legally and retroactively recognized upon declaration of the parties according to terms laid down by law.

2. A sexual-domestic arrangement of defined duration, but which may be renewable indefinitely, in which mutual expectations are spelled out, for instance, a spouse-for-hire arrangement.

See also broomstick-marriage, common law marriage, household rules, marriage by contract, open-ended contract marriage, reconstituted marriage, short-term relationship, temporary marriage.

contract of lust:

An agreement or overwhelming inclination on the part of two or more people to keep slaking their sexual appetites with each other, especially as a result of an initial sexual encounter together.

See also lust.

control myth of love:

The (supposedly) false notion that once one is in a committed relationship with a person, one has a right and sometimes even an obligation to change that person's behavior.

Comment: I have provided a name for the supposed myth, which has been identified as such by others, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy that might surround it (October 18, 2006).

See also love.

x myths.

contubernal:

Of or relating to temporary marriage (q.v.).

Comment: The image is that of having shared the same tent, or tempoary shelter.

contubernium (Latin):

Union and cohabitation, perhaps temporary, of a slave man and a slave woman or of a slave and a free person. In ancient Roman times, such a union was completely subject to the pleasure of the slave-owner.

See also concubine.

x Latin terms.

convalidation of marriage:

The formal ratification of a marriage to make it proper, when previously there had been an impediment (q.v.) or the form of the wedding had been defective. Convalidation is of two types, simple convalidation and radical sanation (q.v.), the key difference being that in simple convalidation there is a renewal of consent and in radical sanation there is not.

Comment: Regarding the convalidation of marriage according to the Roman Catholic Church, see Code of Canon Law (1983), Canons 1156-1165.

convenience:

See marriage of convenience.

conventional marriage:

A marital union that is initiated and structured according to the social norm, especially a legally constituted heterosexual monogamous union initiated by a public ceremomy.

See also bourgeois marriage, marriage, Ozzie and Harriet marriage, traditional monogamy.

x marriage of convention.

conventionality myth of love:

See sexual-conventionality myth of love.

x myths.

convenient woman:

1. A female human who happens to be available for the task at hand.

2. A female human who is ready to be at a man's pleasure, such as his mistress or concubine or one-night stand.

Comment: One sense of the word "convenient" used to be "mistress" or "concubine."

See also concubine, Friday night girl, marriage of convenience, mistress, one-night stand.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "Convenient Women"

[Luise] "Otto, once and for all, I will not be cast off like one of your convenient women who spend a night in the turret room. I came here as your legitimate wife, and that I intend to prove."

From the Gothic novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 10, p. 139.

convert:

1. To have a thoroughgoing change of heart, for instance, a reorientation of the heart from self-centeredness to God-centeredness.

2. To change definitively one's religious affiliation, especially when done so as a matter of conviction, or in order to have a single-faith marriage, or, where religious restrictions apply, in order to marry -- although there is also such a thing as being converted by force.

3. To change one's sexual orientation from gay to straight or straight to gay.

Comment: The very possibility of truly converting in the third sense is much debated, although where one falls in the spectrum measured, for instance, by "The Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale" may have something to do with that.

See also cover, interfaith marriage, interreligious marriage, pass, sexual orientation (which see for the Kinsey scale).

Coolidge effect:

Sexual arousal on the part of a male when presented with a fresh partner though spent with an immediately preceding sex partner.

Comment: The effect has been demonstrated in many species, including humans; and it may play a role in sex surrogate therapy.

Contrast the idiogamist's (q.v.) experience and, in a different way, secondarism (q.v.). See also sex surrogate, sexual varietism, toujours perdrix.

x novelty.

x variety.

The Coolidge Effect: Two Versions of the Anecdote Behind the Term

"According to the anecdote, President and Mrs. Calvin Coolidge were visiting a chicken farm, which they toured separately; and when Mrs. Coolidge wondered how often a cock can mount a hen and the farmer told her it's about (say) 40 times a day, she said: 'Please tell this to my husband.' The farmer did so; but when Mr. Coolidge asked whether the cock did it all with the same hen and was told it's a different hen every time, the 30th President said: 'Please tell this to my wife.'"

From: The Language of Sex from A to Z, [by] Robert M. Goldenson, Kenneth N. Anderson (New York: World Almanac, 1986): see under "Coolidge effect," pp. 57-58.

"One day in the 1920's the thirtieth President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, visited a farm outside Washington with his wife. The First Lady, the story goes, gently chided the President about the amorous enthusiasm and energies of one of the bulls, suggesting that it would be delightful if her husband were half as energetic. In reply, Mr. Coolidge, an astute observer of nature, was said to have called his wife's attention to the fact that her idolized bull seldom visited the same cow twice."

From: Hot & Cool Sex: Cultures in Conflict, by Anna K. and Robert T. Francoeur; introduction by Robert H. Rimmer (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, c1974): p. 95.

cool sex:

See hot and cool sex.

cooster:

A spent libertine (q.v.).

co-parent:

A person who shares with one or more others the primary responsibility for raising one or more children, especially a person who is not a biological parent.

See also baby-daddy, baby-mama, step-, stepmother.

copel (Spanglish):

Couple.

x Spanish and Spanglish terms.

copemate or copesmate:

1. A companion (q.v.) with whom one shares the joys and trials of coping with life.

2. A spouse (q.v.).

3. A sex partner (q.v.).

4. A person with whom one contends.

See also amari, lover, partner.

x copesmate.

copesmate:

See copemate.

co-primary:

One of two or more of a person's primary partners in a polyamorous relationship.

See also partner, polyamorist, primary partner.

coquette:

A person who flirts without serious intentions.

Comment: The term is usually used of a woman -- note the feminine ending, "-ette" -- but is occasionaly used of a man, however, usually in qualified fashion, as in "male coquette."

See also cockteaser, cuntteaster, demi-vierge, false lover, flirt, flirt-gill, fribbler (which see for lexical example of "male coquette"), slutwitch, woo for cake and pudding.

co-relational:

See correlational.

cornuta:

A woman who has been cuckqueaned; a woman whose husband has committed adultery.

Contrast cornuto (q.v.). See also cuckquean, cuckold, hothusband, reverse cuckold.

cornute:

To give horns to, that is, to make a cuckold of one's husband or, in rare gender-free usage, of one's spouse.

See also bull's feather, cornuted, cuckold, give horns to, horns.

Quotation from a Seventeenth-Century Ballad Illustrating "Cornute"

The Jolly Widdower:

OR,

A Warning for BATCHELORS.

Lest they marry with a Shrow, and so become impatient under the pain and punishment

of a Hornified Head piece,

Now he that marrys with a shrow,

believe me this is true,

Over her Husband she will crow,

ay, and cornute him too.

To the Tune of, Caper and ferkit.

[Three verses of the lyrics snipped]

When Gallants do come for to court my wife,

__my patience then is try'd.

I dare not spake nor look for my life,

__but glad to sneak aside,

And forc'd to lye in some corner cold,

__that they may both go to bed,

This I must endure, since there is no cure,

__I wou'd I had ne'er been wed.

[Four verses snipped]

Against her humours I ne'r revil'd,

__tho' she did rant and reign,

I often rock'd another man's child,

__tho' much against the grain:

All this I must do, and ten times more,

__or else she will break my head,

The three=legged stool, my courage must cool,

__I wou'd I had ne'r been wed.

At length she sickn'd, and soon she dy'd,

__this did my grief destroy,

I never so much as sigh'd or cry'd,

__but leapt and jumpt for joy:

I bought her a Coffin large and long,

__to put her in now she is dead.

She is gone to the grave, and I shall be brave,

__I'le have a care how I do wed.

Printed for J. Blare, at the Looking=glass, on London=Bridge.

From: The Pepys Ballads, edited by W. G. Day (Cambridge [England]: D. S. Brewer, 1987; in series: Catalogue of the Pepys Library at Magdalene College, Cambridge): facsimile volume 4, p. 102.

According to A Dictionary of the Printers and Booksellers Who Were at Work in England, Scotland and Ireland from 1668 to 1725, by Henry R. Plomer (1968), Josiah Blare was a bookseller in London from 1683-1706.

Textual notes:

Three illustrations accompany the ballad.

In the facsimile, the lyrics appear in four columns.

The words "Caper and ferkit" are in black letter; also the lyrics, except for these words: "I wou'd I had ne'r been wed" (twice) and "I'le have a care how I do wed."

Some would transcribe the black letter "v" as "u."

A reverse apostrophe is used in these words: "forc'd," "rock'd," "tho'," "sigh'd," cry'd."

Should my formatting drop away, every second line of the caption and lyrics is indented. (The formatting did drop away, so I have inserted a line to represent the indentation.)

cornuted:

Cuckolded.

See also cornute, forked order, horn-mad, horns hung on, wear the horns.

cornuto:

A man who has been cuckolded.

Contrast cornuta (q.v.) and cornutor (q.v.). See also brother starling, cuckold, loose-wived, wittol.

cornutor:

A man who makes a cuckold (q.v.) of another.

Contrast cornuto (q.v.). See also bird dog, brother starling, buddyf***er, cavaliere servante, cicisbeo, gallant, illicit lover, other man.

corporate marriage:

A group marriage that is legally registered as a corporate entity.

See also good match, group marriage, intermarital sex, line marriage, marriage, synergamy, tribal marriage.

Quotation from Robert H. Rimmer on Corporate Marriage

The text of said proposed law is as follows: The people of the State of California enact an act to permit not more than three married couples, past the age of thirty, to join together under a new civil marriage provision of the present state laws in a joint form of marriage to be known as group marriage or corporate marriage, establishing a family unit that will exist independently of the individual members and have all the rights now permitted under the existing laws of corporations, such family corporations to appoint from their legal members by marriage, or from the issue of these marriages, directors to govern the affairs of these family corporations and to continue with their full human powers to carry on the purposes of such corporate living which will be construed as follows: To create a joint family environment for the financial security and independence of its members, and to provide for all members an environment that fulfills their needs, both emotional and economic, so they can live fully self-actualized lives and develop, to the full limit, their abilities as human beings...

From: Proposition Thirty-One, by Robert H. Rimmer (New York, N.Y.: New American Library, c1968): p. 275, cf. pp. 210-212, 222-223.

correlational:

Alongside of, complementary to, or in reciprocity with a relationship, especially in a way that is not subversive of that relationship but which, if anything, reinforces it.

See also comarital, extra-relational, interrelational, intra-relational, multirelational, non-relational, post-relational, pre-relational, relational.

x co-relational.

cosominate:

To sleep together, but not necessarily to engage in sexual relations.

See also bungalowing, cohabit, cohabitate, shack up, share the same bedroom, sleep together.

cosominator:

One's sleeping partner.

See also partner.

co-spouse:

Someone who shares in common at least one spouse (q.v.) with another.

See also brother starling, co-husband, co-wife, group marriage, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, notr'amour, partner, partner sharing, plural wife, polygamist, share (one's partner) with, sheet partner, sister-wife.

couch duty:

A temporary displacement in order to allow one's roommate privacy with a sex partner.

Comment: A college term.

See also sexile.

cougar:

A mature woman who dates much younger men.

Comment: So named after the American mountain lion, for the associations: freedom, wildness, the hunt, feeling one's power.

In keeping with the feline theme, a young woman, in contrast, might be called a kitten.

Contrast boytoy (q.v.), sugar daddy (q.v.), toy boy (q.v.), trophy husband (q.v.). See also anilojuvenogamist, dysonogamist, GMILF, go cougaring, kitten, meal ticket, MILF.

cougar relationship:

A mature woman with a much younger man, either living together as partners or in love with each other or dating frequently.

See also age-gap relationship, alphamegamia, amour de vanité, anilojuvenogamy, anisonogamia, dysonogamia, gerontophilia, intergenerational relationhship, May-December romance, opsigamy, pussy-struck, relationship, spring-autumn romance.

counseling:

See couples counseling, family counseling, genetic counseling, marital counseling, municipal matchmaker, premarital counseling, relationship counseling.

counterfeit bride:

1. A man who, posing as a woman, marries a man.

2. A woman who pretends to be eligible for a man she is marrying or has married but who isn't.

Coined by me on analogy with "counterfeit bridegroom." But perhaps it already exists.

See also gay marriage, homosexual marriage, illegitimate spouse, klepsigamist, male marriage, mock marriage, same-sex marriage.

counterfeit bridegroom:

1. A woman who, posing as a man, marries a woman.

2. A man who pretends to be eligible for a woman he is marrying or has married but who isn't.

See also counterfeit bride, female marriage, gay marriage, homosexual marriage, illegitimate spouse, klepsigamist, mock marriage, same-sex marriage.

counter-Rules:

A set of pieces of advice for any man who wants to avoid becoming entangled with a woman looking for commitment.

Comment: The allusion is to: The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, [by] Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (New York, NY: Warner Books, c1995).

The term was introduced in a parody of The Rules: "The Counter-Rules: Time-tested Techniques for Attracting Ms. Right While Avoiding Ms. Commitment," by Christopher Buckley, The New Yorker, November 11, 1996.

See also code, commitmentphobia, dating plan, ladder theory, Rules date deficit syndrome, Rules girl, Tao of Steve.

countertransference:

1. In psychoanalysis, the shift in direction of an analyst's emotion or set of emotions to a client from another person or an object, thereby distorting the process.

2. An analyst's benign emotional involvement in therapeutic interaction.

Comment: The term is frequently associated with a psychiatrist falling in love with a client.

See also dual relationship, Florence Nightingale syndrome, in love, transference.

country marriage:

A marriage according to the custom of the country (French: à la façon du pays), but not necessarily according to the custom of one's own country.

Comment: The term in this sense is especially associated with 18th and early 19th century fur traders for Hudson's Bay Company and reflects their point of view rather than that of their First Nation wives.

See also à la façon du pays, country wife, interracial marriage, jungle love.

country mistress:

1. A woman that one cherishes from one's own country.

2. A woman who yields her coun/cunt (hence "country") to a particular person's amorous attentions, especially when such yielding is represented as the defining characteristic of the relationship.

See also mistress, partner.

Quotation from William Shakespeare Illustrating "Country Mistress"

FRENCHMAN.

... It was much like an argument that fell out

last night, where each of us fell in praise of our

country mistresses; this gentleman at that time

vouching, and upon warrant of bloody affirmation,

his to be more fair, virtuous, wise, chaste, con-

stant-qualified, and less attemptable, than any

the rarest of our ladies in England.

IACHIMO.

That lady is not now living; or this gentleman's

opinion, by this, worn out.

From: William Shakespeare, Cymbeline (circa 1609-1610): Act 1, Scene 4, lines 55-63. Shakespeare may have had both senses of the term in mind.

country wife:

1. A wife (q.v.) of rural background and environment.

2. A native woman married according to the customs of her country but not those of her husband's country.

Comment on definition 1: As in the William Wycherley play, The Country Wife (1675), the term is sometimes used with the implication that the woman has been and continues to be less exposed to the "sophisticated" sexual behaviors sometimes rife in an urban environment and that, thus, her husband is less likely to be cuckolded.

Comment on definition 2: In this sense, the term is especially associated with the First Nations and mixed-blood wives of fur traders operating on behalf of Hudson's Bay Company in the 18th and early 19th centuries. Native marriage customs were much less strict than those of the homelands of the fur traders in terms of what it took to initiate a marriage, the number of wives allowable, and divorce. Thus, compared to a European wife, a country wife was sometimes (but not always) regarded as just a concubine (q.v.) who could be discarded when the husband changed posts or returned to his home across the Atlantic.

A Title Page Illustrating "Country-Wife"

Bibliographically described: The Country-Wife, A Comedy Acted at the Theatre Royal, written by Mr. Wycherley (London: Thomas Dring, 1675). Title page as reproduced in The Country Wife, [by] William Wycherley; edited by James Ogden (2nd ed. London: A & C. Black; New York: W W Norton, 1991). The Latin motto is from Horace, Epistles 2.1.76-78. Photographed by NEA, March 29, 2004.

See also à la façon du pays, country marriage, forest bride, lanlady, partner, sleeping dictionary, squaw, squaw man.

coup de foudre (French):

1. Lightening blow.

2. Impact of love at first sight.

See also fall in love, love at first sight, love at first text message, whirlwind romance.

x foudre.

x French terms.

Quotations from Graham Greene Illustrating "Coup de Foudre"

[p. 12: The character William Harris regarding two homosexuals, Stephen and Tony, after they saw Peter Travis] I really believe they were in a state of extreme sexual excitement; they had received a coup de foudre last night on the terrace and were quite incapable of disguising their feelings.

[p. 13: William Harris regarding Poopy Travis] She caught my eye and, because I was so obviously English, I suppose, gave me half a timid smile. Perhaps I too would have received the coup de foudre if I had not been thirty years older and twice married.

"May We Borrow Your Husband," in: Graham Greene: Collected Stories (New York: Viking Press, 1973, c1972): pp. 3-42, specifically 12-13.

couple, as in "a couple":

1. Two people in a dyadic marriage or dyadic love relationship together.

2. A man and a woman who go swinging together.

Comments: Abbreviated CPL.

The term, as appropriated from English by some Spanish speakers, is spelled "copel."

Among the synonyms: "boyfriend and girlfriend," "husband and wife," and "domestic partners" (if two are meant).

See also biracial couple, celebrity couple, copel, coupledom, couple front, couple of mixed ethnicity, CPL, cross-couple, dink, duet, duo, dyad, Eurasian couple, H&W couple, husband, interlofted couple, interracial couple, item, lover, love relationship, marriage, married couple, ménage à deux, mixed race couple, more of a couple than, one, one-and-only, one true love, open couple, pair, polygon, power couple, quasi-conjugal dyad, religion of two, short/tall couple, spouse, syzygy, twosome, wife, zug; swinger.

couple, as in "to couple":

1. To find a mate.

2. To become partners in a love relationship, said of two people.

3. To engage in sexual intercourse.

See also accouplement, bride-couple, coupling, female couple, interfacial couple, interlofted couple, male couple, marry, mate, pair, uncouple.

couple-buster:

A person who serves as the occasion of the break-up of a dyadic marriage or love relationship, for instance, because of an affair with one of the partners.

See also alienation of affections, break up, bust up, home wrecker, mate poacher, thief of love.

couple-centrist:

Characterized by the belief that a twosome is the fundamental sexual unit, in contrast to the view that each person is complete in and of him or herself and comes together with one or more others to share.

Source: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, [by] Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (San Francisco, CA: Greenery Press, c1997): p. 41.

See also monogamy-centrist.

coupledom:

1. The totality, worldwide, of couples and of people who are supportive of couples as such, plus groups, institutions, and publications oriented to couples; all couples collectively considered; the realm of people who have found a match.

2. The society of people who relate to each other, at least in part, two by two.

3. The state of being a couple; a relationship or partnering of two.

See also couple, polydom, relationship.

couple front:

The way a couple (q.v.) corporately presents itself to and interacts with other people, especially insofar as that way involves an appearance that is different from the reality or insofar as it is substituted for the way each individual would present him or herself to and interact with others.

See also myth of togetherness.

x front.

couple of mixed ethnicity:

Two people, each from a different cultural or subcultural heritage, in a dyadic love relationship or marriage together.

See also biracial couple, couple, dyad, Eurasian couple, fusion wedding, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interracial couple, interracial marriage, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, racial commingling, white man's hansom woman, white wife.

couples counseling:

1. Advisory and/or mediatorial assistance given to partners in a dyadic love relationship in working through issues in their relationship and in clarifying a course of action with respect to their relationship. Typically such assistance is given by a member of the clergy, a therapist, a psychiatrist, or a medical doctor, as appropriate.

2. The benefit or practice of the above.

See also couples therapy (especially the notes), family counseling, genetic counseling, marital counseling, premarital counseling, relationship counseling.

couples therapy:

1. The use or benefit of professionally developed methods to help partners in a troubled dyadic love relationship cope better with or alleviate problems in that relationship and to help them clarify a course of action as to what to do with the relationship.

2. Professional counseling of partners in troubled dyadic love relationships as a practice.

Comment: The term is sometimes preferred to "marital therapy," since it is more inclusive of the sorts of love relationships commonly found in the present-day world. However, it is perhaps even more pointedly exclusive of non-monogamous relationships. Sometimes this reflects not just specialization with a focus on couples or unmindfulness with regard to non-monogamy, but the theory that non-monogamy can be treated adequately dyad by dyad, or a belief, rooted in a religious or social philosophy, that, with respect to love relationships, monogamy alone is to be promoted, or a supposition that non-monogamy is too volatile for constructive therapy, or an engrained prejudice against non-monogamy. This exclusion highlights a host of professional issues in couples therapy, for instance: Whose values or what values are to be pursued?

A small grammatical observation: The first definition would ordinarily call for an apostrophe before the "s," so "couple's therapy." The second would ordinarily call for an apostrophe after the "s," so "couples' therapy." It appears that the apostrophe has been dropped altogether in such a way that the term is meant to cover both the singular and the plural.

See also couples counseling, family therapy, marital therapy, relationship coaching, relationship therapy.

x therapy.

coupling:

1. A joining with another to take on a common identity together as a unit.

2. An incident of sexual intercourse.

See also couple, relationship.

Quotation from Jack Nichols Illustrating "Coupling"

The difference between having a relationship and being the member of a coupling is enormous. A relationship allows one to be oneself, to go anywhere freely, to see anyone affectionately, and to speak openly and honestly about any matter. Being a member of a coupling, however, is like being the member of a cause-oriented organization. The individual depends for his sense of identity on the other, on an external (the coupling, the cause) rather than on himself. He follows rules, as in an organization, in order to belong to the coupling.

From: Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity, by Jack Nichols (Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1975; "A Penguin Original"): chapter 17, "Coupling: The Decline of Organized Marriage," p. 250. Nichols is using a rather narrow sense of the term "relationship"; of course there are other senses.

coupon from the heart:

See love coupon.

court:

To engage in the somewhat ritualized behavior of trying to win a particular person as a mate.

Comment: Also expressed as: "to pay court to."

For lexical example, see under "husband."

See also art of love, camp out on (someone's) doorstep, courtship, date, fight for, make love to, play hard to get, pursue, romance, solicit, sprog, step up to, take the dottle-trot, woo.

x pay court to.

courtesan, or courtezan:

1. A kept woman, especially one kept by a man of rank or wealth.

2. A prostitute.

Comment: Among the variant spellings: "curtezan" and "curtizan."

Note Shakespeare's term for two of them: "a brace of courtezans." Cf. King Richard the Third (circa 1593-1594): Act 3, Scene 7, line 74.

See also amorosa, blowen, chippy, cocotte, demimondaine, demirep, doxy, güila, hetaera, hoe, kept woman, lady friend, mistress, moll, parnel, partner, poplolly, slut, spoffskins, squaw, tart, tottie.

x courtezan.

x curtezan.

x curtizan.

x Shakespeare, William, 1564-1616.

courtesan wiles:

Techniques, including sexual techniques, employed by women to entice and to please men -- techniques more associated with women for hire than with staid matrons.

See also feminine wiles.

x wiles.

courtezan:

See courtesan.

courtly love:

1. A form of romantic love (q.v.) that was exalted initially (so it would seem) by certain troubadours in Provence near the beginning of the Twelfth Century. It entails a conception of love as desire for union with the beloved in heart, mind, and body, although in some expressions of courtly love bodily union is renounced; a cult of the beloved, to whom there is singular devotion (a cult which must dissipate if marriage with the beloved transpires); and transformation of the lover by love in the direction of greater virtue and nobility.

2. A sexual love that seeks the good of the other.

Comments: The original French form of the term, amour courtois, was coined by Gaston Paris, 1883.

Generally courtly love is a male expression, and the beloved is the woman.

One point of interest about the quotations below: They present love itself as potentially adulterous, with or without sexual adulteration.

For a lexical example illustrating sense two, see under "connaturality."

Contrast amars (q.v.). See also adultery, ajois relationship, amor mixtus, amor purus, amour courtois, amour voulu, ardor, chivalry, comjat, court of love, descort, devotion, domna, escondich, fin' amors, Frauendienst, heart, in love, joyous craft, love, maldit, mbuya relationship, midons, Minnedienst, sexual love, Sunday husband.

Quotation from C. S. Lewis on Courtly Love

The sentiment [called 'Courtly Love'], of course, is love, but love of a highly specialized sort, whose characteristics may be enumerated as Humility, Courtesy, Adultery, and the Religion of Love.

From: The Allegory of Love: A Study in Medieval Tradition, by C.S. Lewis (London: Oxford University Press,1936): p. 2.

Quotation from Alexander J. Denomy on Courtly Love

[20] The novelty of Courtly Love lies in three basic elements: first, in the ennobling force of human love; second in the elevation of the beloved to a place of superiority above the lover; third, in the conception of love as ever unsatiated, ever increasing desire....

[22] Therefore, since love offers everyone an incentive towards good, since everyone who wishes to have the praise of the world must indulge in love, Courtly Love not only condones fornication, adultery, sacrilege, but represents them as necessary sources of what it calls virtue. It is a grave error to condemn love in maidens, in the married, even in the clergy. Marriage is no bar to love. On the contrary, the married must practice love outside the marriage bonds if husband and wife are to advance in worth. The troubadours recognized the truth of this axiom of Courtly Love by addressing their love lyrics almost exclusively to married women....

[25] That is Courtly Love. It is neither Christian caritas nor platonic love; it is neither mystical love nor lust, but a special type of love peculiar to the troubadours ...

From: The Heresy of Courtly Love, [by] Alexander J. Denomy; with an introduction by William Lane Keleher (New York: Declan X. McMullen Co., c1947; in series: Boston College Candlemas Lectures on Christian Literature).

Quotation from Frederick W. Locke on Courtly Love

The poetry of the Troubadours [of Provence] and that of the Trouvères in the north of France speaks of a love which, while essentially adulterous, inspires the man with nobility of character and offers him, through the beloved, a transcendent experience. It is this power of transformation which, more than anything else, constitutes the distinguishing characteristic of Courtly Love ...

From: "Introduction," [signed] F.W.L., to: The Art of Courtly Love, [by] Andreas Capellanus; translated [from De arte honeste amandi] by John Jay Parry; edited and abridged by Frederick W. Locke (New York: Continuum, 1990, c1957; "A Frederick Ungar Book"; in series: Milestones of Thought): p. vi.

court of love:

A person who or a group of persons that renders an opinion on an issue of romance brought before that person or group; a judge or group of judges in a matter of romance.

Comments: Commonly a decision is arrived at after much conversation within a social group or some segment thereof, such as the upper-class female friends of an aristocratic lady; and the opinion is likely to reflect the distinctive values of that group, although sometimes it may be more playful than serious or it may take into account the earlier opinions of other courts of love. The opinion is not generally binding, but has weight insofar as it places an onus upon the principals to live up to the ideals of the group or, in some cases, to be ostracized by the group. Otherwise, note the similarity of such opinions to responsa in Roman and Jewish law.

Courts of love are perhaps most associated with the Twelfth Century. One may find record of some of them in, for instance, De arte honeste amandi = The Art of Courtly Love, by Andreas Capellanus, which was written sometime between 1174 and 1186. See book 2, chapter 7, "Various Decisions in Love Cases."

See also courtly love, love, rules of love.

x love court.

Quotation from Joseph Barry Illustrating "Courts of Love"

As for the existence -- and persistence -- of courts of love, "there is no doubt," says one of the more skeptical historians [John F. Benton], "that in 1400 (French | monarch) Charles VI founded a court of love, a serious literary and courtly assembly" -- in which burghers and clergymen participated alongside princes and prelates. Debates were ceremoniously organized in the form of amorous lawsuits, and ladies of the court awarded the prizes. Among the seven hundred known members of the "club," however, was a goodly number of the period's most notorious rakes.

From: French Lovers: From Heloise and Abelard to Beauvoir and Sartre, by Joseph Barry (New York: Arbor House, c1987): pp. 48-49; cf. 43ff.

The citation for the internal quotation is to "Clio and Venus: An Historical View of Medieval Love," by John F. Benton, in: The Meaning of Courtly Love, edited by F. X. Newman (Albany: State University of New York Press, 1969, c1968): pp. 19-42, specifically p. 36. "Papers of the first annual conference of the Center for Medieval and Early Renaissance Studies, State University of New York at Binghamton, March 17-18, 1967." <Unexamined>

courtship:

1. The somewhat ritualized behavior of trying to win a particular person as a mate.

2. The period of a relationship prior to marriage.

See also art of dating, budding relationship, bundling, caller, conscious courtship, court, courtship love, date, gentleman caller, intentions, lady caller, love-feat, love-making, love-suit, night courting, paper courtship, petition of love, proceptive stage, romance, rules of courtship, suitor, wooer.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Courtship"

[Admiral Croft]: '... We sailors, Miss Elliott, cannot afford to make long courtships in time of war. How many days was it, my dear, between the first time of my seeing you and our sitting down together in our lodgings at North Yarmouth?'

'We had better not talk about it, my dear,' replied Mrs Croft, pleasantly; 'for if Miss Elliott were to hear how soon we came to an understanding, she would never be persuaded that we could be happy together...'

From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 10, p. 112. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

courtship love:

1. An emotional bond between individuals and their loyalty to each other, a bond and a loyalty that help to prepare them for marriage to each other and may even entail rights and duties similar to some of those in marriage.

2. Affection for and a sense of attachment to an individual percursory to marriage to that individual.

See also courtship, love, proceptive phase.

cousin marriage:

See first-cousin marriage.

covenant marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) in which, by agreement, especially legally binding agreement, of the parties, divorce is made more difficult than it would othewise be, if not impossible.

Comments: The idea is attributed to Henri Mazeaud, who made such a proposal in France in 1945.

The degree of difficulty ranges from an agreement to undergo marriage counseling before divorce to an agreement that the marriage shall be considered indissoluble.

The legal recognition of covenant marriages has been seen as an answer to no fault divorce, which, in the perception of some, is seen as demanding too little of commitment for the good of the parties, their children, the institution of marriage, or a society.

Among the jurisdictions that have covenant marriage laws are Arizona, Arkansas, and Louisiana.

See also divorce, indissolubility doctrine, no fault divorce.

cover:

To attempt to tone down a stigma one bears, for instance, because of one's known sex, one's known race, one's known sexual orientation, one's known religion, or one's known disability.

Comments: In the form "covering," attributed to the sociologist Erving Goffman (1963).

Kenji Yoshino, a law professor, describes four axes along which individuals can cover:

appearance, which concerns how an individual presents him or herself physically to the world;

affiliation, which concerns the individual's cultural identifications;

activism, which concerns how much an individual politicizes his or her identity; and,

association, which concerns an individual's choice of fellow travelers, including spouses, friends, and colleagues.

References

Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity, by Erving Goffman (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1963; in series: Spectrum Books; no. S-73). Not examined.

Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights, [by] Kenji Yoshino (New York: Random House, c2006). For the author's Web site, see: http://www.kenjiyoshino.com/

See also convert, pass, stigmatic guilt.

coverture:

A married woman's legal status as married (q.v.).

See also feme covert.

covet thy neighbour's wife:

See Tenth Commandment.

covey of lovers:

1. The set of people loved romantically by a polyamorist (q.v.).

2. The set of partners in a group love relationship (q.v.).

Comment: A cutesy form would be covey of lovies.

See also bevy of beloveds, bundle of freemates, cadre of beloveds, clutch of lovers, cuddle of lovers, imbroglio of polyamours, lovey, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

co-vivant:

A person with whom one lives.

See also amari, cohabitant, cohabitee, de facto, domestic companion, domestic partner, housemate, in-house friend, live-in boyfriend, live-in companion, live-in girlfriend, live-in lover, living together, ménage, partner, PASSLQ, POSSLQ, shack up, share the same bedroom, significant other, TOCOTOX, umfriend.

cowboy:

A human male who "cuts a filly out of the herd," that is, who consciously or unconsciously tries to pull one of the partners in a non-monogamous relationship off into a monogamous relationship with himself.

See also condo cowboy, cowgirl, envy jealousy, non-monogamy.

cowgirl:

1. A human female who "cuts a stallion out of the herd," that is, who consciously or unconsciously tries to pull one of the partners in a non-monogamous relationship off into a monogamous relationship with herself.

2. A woman in a coital position: atop with knees astride.

See also cowboy, envy jealousy, non-monogamy.

co-wife:

A human female who shares in common at least one husband with at least one other human female.

See also co-husband, concubine, co-spouse, group marriage, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, nirimoua, partner, partner sharing, plural wife, polygynist, rival, sheet partner, sister-wife, wife.

CPL:

Couple (q.v.).

crazy about:

Extremely fond of, perhaps even infatuated with, perhaps even extremely infatuated with.

See also amour fou, besotted, bitten by the love bug, folie à deux, go gaga over, head over heels in love, infatuated, in love, love-cracked, madly in love, sprung.

creeper:

A man who is too abject or timid to keep his wife from committing adultery; a cuckold.

See also cuckold, meacock, wittol.

Creole of Carriacou terms:

See zami.

creolism (Puritan term):

Sexual intercourse between persons of different races.

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, interracial couple, interracial marriage, Mandingo party, miscegenation, mixed race couple, racial commingling, white man's hansom woman, white wife.

crewdate, crew date, or CrewDate:

A group-on-group date (q.v.), for instance a male sports team attending a social event with a female sports team.

Comment: The term is most associated with Oxford University's sports teams.

See also crew dating, formal swap, goukon, group dating, team social.

crew dating:

1. The practice of engaging in social activites with people of complementary sexual orientation, this on the part of members of a ship's personnel or members of the personnel of an aircraft.

2. The practice of group-on-group social activities for the purpose of mixing people of complementary sexual orientation. In this sense, often spelled "crewdating" or "CrewDating."

See also crewdate, group dating, mile-high club, sky candy.

cri de coeur (French):

"Heart's outcry"; an expression of emotional pain or severe discontent, especially with regard to one's love life (q.v.).

See also aeipathy, break (someone's) heart, broken heart, déception d'amour, grief, heart, heartache, heartbreak, lasslorn, let go, loneliness, lovelorn, lover's leap, love sickness, love trauma syndrome, love withdrawal, miss, pine for, withdrawal anguish.

x French terms.

crime against the heart:

1. An injury done to the seat of emotions, especially to the capacity for or flowering of romantic love.

2. A stifling or thwarting or obstruction of the progress of romantic love.

Comments: An example of the first sense would be date rape, insofar as, for instance, it diminishes one's capacity or readiness to trust again. An example of the second sense might be failing to express one's love.

See also crime of the heart, damaged goods, date rape, heart, love trauma syndrome.

crime of honor:

Killing one's wife, sister, or daughter on the assumption that she has shamed one's family by way of a sexual liaison that is considered indecent by the family or the culture (or subculture) in which it lives.

Comment: This practice is now considered intolerable in many parts of the world and there are efforts to end toleration of it worldwide.

See also crime of passion, domestic violence, honor killing, spousal homicide, uxoricide, zina.

crime of passion:

1. A violent and illegal offence committed because one's emotions ran out of control in response to an unexpectedly or suddenly encountered circumstance.

2. Murder blindly motivated by the emotions evoked by the infidelity (q.v.) or supposed infidelity of a spouse or love relationship partner, typically the murder being of that person, or of his or her lover, or of both.

Comment: At times in the past, the fact of a spouse's infidelity would mitigate such a crime in the eyes of many. Nowadays the chief mitigation would be due to the blindness of the motivation, that is, temporary insensibility to counterbalancing motivations and to social prohibitions.

See also crime of honor, domestic violence, honor killing, mariticide, spousal homicide, uxoricide, viricide.

crime of the heart:

A setting aside or forfending of a romantic or domestic attachment for what the speaker considers an ignoble motive, such as material gain or avoidance of some disadvantage.

See also crime against the heart, heart, marriage of convenience.

Entry added January 23, 2008

criminal conversation (legal term):

The debauching or seducing of a married person by someone outside of the marriage, thereby causing civil injury to that married person's spouse.

See also adultery, heart balm statute, non-consensual adultery, seduction, sex scandal, sexual immorality.

Quotation from Elizabeth Shannon Illustrating "Criminal Conversations"

During the question period I asked Senator McGuinness what "criminal conversations" are. My women friends frequently bring up that phrase, roll their eyes and groan, but I've never known exactly what it meant.

"It's an archaic law still existing in Ireland which says, in effect, that if a married woman runs off with another man, her husband can sue that man for taking his 'property.' The same is not true, of course, if a man runs off with another woman."

From: Up in the Park: The Diary of the Wife of the American Ambassador to Ireland, 1977-1981, [by] Elizabeth Shannon (New York : Atheneum, 1983): entry for March 20, 1980, p. 262.

cross-couple:

Pertaining to or characterized by being between a member of one couple and a member of another couple, such as a cross-couple relationship.

See also couple.

cross-cousin marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between the children of a brother and a sister, particularly when it is according to custom or social preference.

See also matrilateral cross-cousin marriage; preferential marriage.

crossed in love:

To have had one's romantic interest unreturned or to have been jilted or to have had a romance cut short by circumstances or otherwise to have experienced a romantic failure.

See also error of fancy, jilt, unfulfilled love, unrequited love.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Crossed in Love"

Mr Bennet treated the matter differently. 'So, Lizzy,' said he one day, 'your sister [Jane] is crossed in love I find. I congratulate her. Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and gives her a sort of distinction among her companions. When is your turn to come? You will hardly bear to be long outdone by Jane. Now is your time. Here are officers enough at Meryton to disappoint all the young ladies in the country. Let Wickham be your man. He is a pleasant fellow, and would jilt you creditably.'

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 24, p. 178. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

cruel:

Characterized by cruelty (q.v.), by the practice thereof, or by the inclination thereto.

For lexical example, see under cruelty.

cruelty:

In matters of love:

1. Not reciprocating affection, thus producing anguish on the part of the person in love.

2. Remaining sexually aloof, for instance:

not yielding sexually and thereby leaving a person with burning sexual passion; and,

not assisting a person with sexual relief and thereby leaving that person with blue balls or otherwise physically uncomfortable.

3. Remaining firm with regard to a break-up and the unpleasant conditions that, for one reason or another, must be maintained following a break-up, for instance, in some cases, the condition of remaining incommunicado.

4. Frustrating love or causing lovers to suffer, for example, by the separation of lovers against their will.

5. Defloration through sexual intercourse.

6. Causing the sexual deprivation of a spouse or other sex partner.

7. As a matter of choices one has made or the impulses one has had, causing the suffering of one or more family members, for instance:

by way of a loveless, sexless, or dysfunctional relationship -- that is, without either fixing the relationship, if it is salvageable, or ending it, in the event that ending it is deemed the path of least suffering; and,

by way of physical or emotional abuse.

8. Using romance to take advantage of someone sexually, financially, or otherwise, and then to dump that person; using romance as a means to an end other than a love relationship with the person being romanced.

Comment: Cruelty in the first five senses is often socially acceptable and sometimes socially expected. In the first three sense, the complaint of cruelty is chiefly the lover's, as it has been for centuries.

See also abuse, blue balls, break-up, consummation, cruel, domestic violence, heartache, LJBF, sexual deprivation, unfulfilled love, unreciprocated love, unrequited love.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Cruelty"

[The Vicomte de Valmont to Madame de Tourvel]

By what right do you presume to dispose of a heart whose homage you refuse to accept? What refinement of cruelty is this you practise in begrudging me even the happiness of loving you? That happiness is mine: it exists independently of you, and I know how to protect it. If it is the source of my misfortunes, it is also their solace.

No, no, and again no. Persist in your cruel rebuffs, but leave me my love.

From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 68, pp. 146-147, specifically p. 147. For "cruel" as characterizing defloration, see letter 81, p. 183. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.

[The French reads]

De quel droit prétendez-vous disposer d'un coeur dont vous refusez l'hommage? Par quel raffinement de cruauté, m'enviez-vous jusqu'au bonheur de vous aimer? Celui-là est à moi, il est indépendant de vous; je saurai le défendre. S'il est la source de mes maux, il en est aussi le remède.

Non, encore une fois, non. Persistez dans vos refus cruels; mais laissez-moi mon amour.

From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 68, pp. 138-139, specifically p. 139. The "oe" in "coeur" is the ligature "oe." Cruauté = cruelty.

cruise:

1. To drive around looking for a prostitute.

2. To go in search of one or more people with whom to have sexual relations.

3. To make known one's sexual availability and attractedness to a person who is not a partner, generally moving on to another if refused.

See also casual sex, chippy, flirt, go cougaring, hit on, make a pass at, nanpa, one-night stand, on the prowl, pick up, scamming.

Quotation from Rita Mae Brown Illustrating "Cruising"

[At a gay bar] Dix, the little one, was very busy crusing Faye. Faye was worth cruising. She had jet black hair and white porcelain skin that set off light hazel eyes -- a Southern belle gone co-ed.

From the novel: Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown (Fifteenth anniversary ed. Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1988): chapter 10, p. 93. Originally published: Plainfield, Vt.: Daughters, Inc., 1973.

crumpet man:

A womanizer.

Comment: "Crumpet" is a slang term for a sexually attractive woman.

See also agapet, bedhopper, Casanova, Don Juan, fribbler, gallant, gay deceiver, gay spark, general lover, God's gift to women, jock, ladies' man, lady-killer, Lothario, loverboy, lovertine, macadam, macadamo, make-out artist, masher, multimitus, philanderer, pick up artist, playboy, promiscuity, rake, roué, satyr, seducer, serial philandering, skirt-chaser, slut, smellsmock, stud, vert galant, wolf, womanizer.

crush:

1. Strong sexual desire for a particular individual, who is known at only a surface level, a desire that gives the illusion of being in love, an illusion which is dispelled, for instance, when confronted with reality (such as the individual's personality flaws) or a more attractive option.

2. The first stage of falling in love, when sexual attraction and emotional excitement are felt but before one is sufficiently prepared to assess, on the basis of knowledge of the one loved and actual fit, the prospects for a commitment of long-term loyalty.

3. Being in love at a youthful stage of life when one does not have the maturity to know well where to place one's permanent love loyalty or loyalties or when one is not in a position to actuate a permanent love bond.

4. Being in love with a person, even a good friend, yet not in a love relationship with that person.

5. The person for whom one has such feelings as any of the above.

Comment: In the first four senses, the word is usually followed by "on," as in, "I have a crush on him."

See also besotted, bitten by the love bug, calf love, chemistry of love, error of fancy, girl crush, have a thing for, have eyes for, have the hots for, heartthrob, high school sweetheart, hook up, hot love, infatuation, in love, Laws of Lovers' Passion, love-passion, in lust, limerence, man crush, passionate love, primo amore, puppy love, secret admirer, squish, torchy, ubercrush, wildly in love with, workplace crush.

crystallization:

1. Idealization of a person as part of a falling-in-love process.

2. A hardening of one's determination, for instance, to do what it takes to marry.

See also admiration, amour-passion, besotted, blinded by love, blindness of love, calf love, enchantment, heartthrob, incandescence, in love, Laws of Lovers' Passion, love-cracked, new relationship energy, passionate love, primo amore, proceptive phase, propassion, puppy love, squish, vision of romantic love.

Quotation from Stendahl on Crystallization

[p. 110] In the salt mines of Hallein near Salzburg, the miners throw into the deepest unused caverns a winter-killed tree branch; two or three months later, when the salt particles in the water have moistened the bough and then withdrawn leaving it to dry, it is found covered with brilliant crystals. The smallest twigs, those no larger than a chickadee's claw, are shimmering and dazzling, encrusted with an infinite number of small crystals. One cannot recognize the original bough....

[112] I [Filippo] said to Ghita:

"The effect on this young man of the beauty of your Italian features and of your eyes which are unlike any he has seen before is exactly the same process as the crystallization working on this little branch of yoke-elm which you are holding and finding so beautiful. Stripped of its leaves by winter, it was anything but a splendid sight. The crystallization of the salt has coated the blackened twigs of this branch with such a number of brilliant diamonds that one can only see the original branch at very few places."

"So! what do you wish to deduce from that?" asked Signora Gherardi [i.e. Ghita].

"That this branch faithfully represents La Ghita, as the imagination of this young man sees her...."

[Ghita responds, Filippo speaks, Ghita recapitulates his idea.]

"That is why," I replied, "the speeches of lovers seem so foolish to the wise people who are ignorant of the phenomenon of crystallization [la cristallisation]...."

[113, Ghita speaks]: "Annibalino, (the lover whom we find a little dull) I will wager that just now you do not find me quite perfect. You think that I am making a mistake in allowing this young man into my company. Do you know what is happening to you, my dear? For me you are no longer crystallizing...."

The many foolish acts by which a lover sees every perfection in the woman with whom he is falling [114] in love we always called by the name "crystallization."

[115] the four stages [of falling in love] which Signora Gherardi had listed:

1. Admiration.

2. You come to the second point on the road when you think "What joy to be loved by that charming woman!"

3. The third stage is marked by the birth of hope.

4. You arrive at the fourth when you exaggerate with delight the beauty and merits of the woman you love. It is this which we old experts call by the name of "crystallization."

From: "The Salzburg Bough," [by] Stendahl [pen name for Marie-Henri Beyle, 1783-1842]; translated [from the French] by Ruth Parrish, in: The World of Love, edited with introductions by Isidor Schneider. I, The Meanings of Love (New York: George Braziller, c1964): pp. 110, 112, 113-114, 115. Taken from an 1825 appendix, "Le rameau de Salzbourg," to Stendahl's De l'amour (1822). To cite a common edition: De l'amour, [par] Stendahl; [text établi, avec introduction et notes par Henri Martineau] (Paris: Éditions Garnier Frères, c1959): pp. [341]-349. See also book 1, chapters 2 and 12.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Crystallizing"

[115]: He [Will Brangwen] spoke to his uncle and aunt that night.

"Uncle," he said, "Anna and me think of getting married."

"Oh ay!" said [Tom] Brangwen.

"But how, you have no money?" said the mother....

[116] Will Brangwen went home strange and untouched. He felt he could not alter from what he was fixed upon, his will was set. To alter it he must be destroyed. And he would not be destroyed. He had no money. But he would get some from somewhere, it did not matter. He lay awake for many hours, hard and clear and unthinking, his soul crystallizing more inalterably. Then he went fast to sleep.

It was as if his soul had turned into a hard crustal. He might tremble and quiver and suffer, it did not alter.

From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 4, pp. 115-116.

crystallophobia:

1. Fear of glass.

2. Metaphorically, fear of crystallization (q.v.).

Comment: The metaphorical sense is my suggestion.

See also philophobia, -phobia.

cuck:

Short for cuckold (q.v.)

cuckold, as in "a cuckold":

1. A man who has been cuckolded, that is, whose wife has committed adultery (q.v.).

2. A person who has been cuckolded, that is, whose spouse has committed adultery. This gender-neutral usage is rare.

3. A man who receives sexual gratification either from seeing his wife (or girlfriend) have sex with one or more other men or from hearing the details of her having done so while married to (or in a relationship with) him.

Comment: With regard to the last definition, a wife who participates in sex with other men for her husband's gratification is called a hotwife, and the other men are called bulls.

See also becco, brother starling, bull, bull's feather, cornuto, cornutor, creeper, cuck, cuckold, cuckoldly, cuckquean, cucky, duped dad, forked order, half-moon, horn-mad, horns, hotwife, loose-wived, paternal discrepancy, pimp for, reverse cuckold, wear the horns, wittol.

cuckold, as in "to cuckold":

1. To have sexual relations with another man's wife contrary to the prevailing sexual mores.

2. To make a cuckold (q.v.) of one's husband by copulating with another man.

3. To have sexual relations with another person's spouse contrary to the prevailing sexual mores.

4. To make a cuckold of one's spouse by engaging in sexual activity with another person.

Comment: The term seems to be rarely used in its gender-free senses.

Nowadays the term is sometimes applied to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

See also abuse, actaeon, buddyf***, commit adultery, cornuta, cornute, cuckoldress, cuckoldry, cuckquean, fool around, give horns to, hoddy-doddy, horned, horns hung on, run astray, share (one's partner) with, sloppy seconds, summer bird, tip, uncuckolded, yard on.

cuckoldly:

Having the characteristics of a cuckold (q.v.).

See also wittolly.

cuckoldress:

A woman who cuckolds her husband or boyfriend.

Comment: This appears to be a term of recent vintage and appears to be associated with the hotwife phenomenon.

See also adulteress, cuckold, hotwife, slut wife.

cuckoldry:

Adultery (q.v.); having sexual relations with another's spouse contrary to the prevailing sexual mores.

See also cuckold, cucky angst, extra-pair copulation, genetic partner, paternal discrepancy, wittolry.

cuckquean, as in "a cuckquean":

1. A woman whose husband has committed adultery (q.v.).

2. Metaphorically, a lowly or dependent person or entity that has been betrayed.

Comment: Not to be confused with "cotquean," which (to give one sense) is a housewife.

See also cornuta, cuckold, hothusband, reverse cuckold.

Quotation from James Joyce Illustrating a Metaphorical Use of "Cuckquean"

[The character, Stephen Dedalus musing on another character, mother Grogan] ... poor old woman, names given her in old times. A wandering crone, lowly form of an immortal serving her conqueror and her gay betrayer, their common cuckquean, a messenger from the secret morning.

From: Ulysses, [by] James Joyce (Revised ed. London: Bodley Head, 1969): p. 15. Ulysses was originally published in Paris by Shakespeare and Company in 1922. Apparently mother Grogan represents Ireland, which has been ill served by both England, represented by Haines (the "conqueror"), and the young professional class of Ireland, represented by Malachi "Buck" Mulligan ("her gay betrayer").

cuckquean, as in "to cuckquean":

To have sexual relations with another woman's husband contrary to the prevailing sexual mores or the understanding within that marriage.

See also abuse, cuckold, extra-pair copulation, share (one's partner) with.

cucky, as in "a cucky":

A cuckold (q.v.); a wittol (q.v.).

Entry added January 23, 2008

cucky, as in "a cucky husband":

1. Characterized by or related to being a cuckold or wittol.

2. Revolting.

Entry added Jnauary 23, 2008

cucky angst:

Anxiety a wittol feels regarding his wife's having sexual relations with another man, especially as said relations are about to commence.

See also cuckoldry, hotwife, jealousy, wibble.

Entry added January 23, 2008

cuddle bitch:

In ladder theory, a man with whom a woman will be physically close, but with whom she won't have sex because he's "just a friend" -- sexually, in relation to her, he has lost his manhood.

Comment: In ladder theory, being a cuddle bitch is perhaps the worst of all possible positions for a man to be in, in relation to a woman, because not only is he just a friend and not a potential lover, but he suffers or risks suffering blue balls as well.

See also blue balls, friend zone, intellectual whore, just friends, ladder theory.

cuddle buddy:

A person with whom one is on a physically intimate basis.

See also amari, cuddle circle, erotic friend, f*** buddy, friend with benefits, heterosexual friendship, male-female friendship, partner, sex buddy, umfriend.

x buddy.

cuddle caddy:

Assistant to a cuddle lifeguard.

See also cuddle lifeguard.

cuddle circle:

Individuals grouped together with the understanding that they are free to kiss and caress whomever within the group is receptive, even if some are in love relationships with other people.

Comments: Also called a cuddle puddle.

Such circles are found, for instance, within elements of the goth phenomenon, where men are ostracized if they come on to women too intensely.

See also cuddle buddy, cuddle puddle, group sex, polyamory.

x circles.

cuddle lifeguard:

In the lingo of cuddleparty.com, a person who facilitates a cuddle party and provides support to attendees in maintaining a non-sexual environment.

See also cuddle caddy, cuddle party.

cuddle monster:

In the lingo of cuddleparty.com, a person registered for a cuddle party.

See also cuddle party, FTC.

cuddle of lovers:

A group of lovers reclining together.

See also bevy of beloveds, bundle of freemates, cadre of beloveds, clutch of lovers, covey of lovers, imbroglio of polyamours, lover, partner, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

cuddle party:

A structured workshop or social event designed for adults to explore communication, personal boundaries, non-sexual intimacy, and affection largely by way of touch in the form of hugging, nuzzling, spooning, head and foot rubs, massages, and such while in pajamas.

Comment: Typically such parties have an entrance fee, include people who are strangers to each other, and have a set of rules, such as:

Pajamas stay on the whole time.
You don't have to cuddle anyone at a cuddle party, ever.
You must ask permission and receive a verbal "yes" before you touch anyone.

Reference

The rules as given are adapted from the first three (of twelve) at the Cuddle Party Web site (as viewed on February 2, 2009).

See also cuddle caddy, cuddle lifeguard, cuddle monster, puppy pile.

x parties.

cuddle puddle:

The same as a cuddle circle (q.v.).

culliage:

The lord's right of the first night; the idea that a male other than the husband, such as a lord in a feudal society, may claim sexual access to his vassal's newly wed bride.

See also ius primae noctis (note there especially the historical notes).

cunttease:

See cuntteaser.

cuntteaser:

1. Someone who flirts with or otherwise arouses a woman but won't follow through to coition; or someone who acts analogously with regard to a different matter.

2. A person who manages to keep a woman as a mate but who often refuses to meet her sexual needs.

3. A person who prolongs a woman's arousal before coition.

Comment: Shorter form, "cunttease."

In the first two senses, often a term of contempt.

Since a common (or vulgar) word for the female pudenda is part of this compound, the term is generally avoided in polite society.

Contrast cockteaser (q.v.). See also coquette, diastunia, flirt, slutwitch, UST relationship.

x cunttease.

cupboard love:

A show of affection with an ulterior motive, that is, solely or chiefly for what might be received in return other than affection.

Comment: The image is of a cat stropping one's legs in order to encourage one to go to the storage area where its food is kept.

See also affection, love.

cupcake party:

1. A gathering where round cakes of only a few inches in diameter are served as a main attraction.

2. A gathering of women for the purpose of the exploration and celebration of their sexuality, for instance, by way of sexually stimulating entertainment by males.

Comments regarding the second definition: Ordinarily any sexual gratification would wait till after the party.

Sometimes cupcake parties are talked about in feminist terms of women taking back their sexuality, the idea being that men have always been able to celebrate male sexuality by way of female entertainment.

See also double standard, feminism, hen party, tart party, tutting party.

x party.

cupidity:

1. Inordinate desire, that is, a desire which, if fulfilled, would violate law or morality or fly in the face of reason.

2. Avarice; greed; covetousness.

3. Lust; sensuality.

Comment: From the Latin word cupiditas ("eager desire").

See also lust, mulierosity, sexual desire.

Cupid's golden arrow:

That which causes one to fall in love.

Comments: Cupid was the Roman god of love, equivalent to the Greek god Eros.

The Latin word for arrow is sagitta.

Horace speaks of "cruel Cupid | ever whetting his fiery darts [sagittas] on blood-stained stone." Odes 2.8.14-16.

Reference

The Odes and Epodes, [by] Horace; with an English translation by C. E. Bennett (Revised. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1927, 1934 printing; in series: The Loeb Classical Library): p. 127

See also amoretto, babies-in-the-eyes, bitten by the love bug, cherub, Cupid's leaden arrow, Cupid's torch, erôs, girdle of Venus, have two strings to (one's) bow, heart, in love, Love, love-kindling, love shaft, love-struck, sex god, temple of love.

x arrow of Cupid.

x golden arrow of Cupid.

x Latin terms.

x Shakespeare, William, 1564-1616.

Quotation from Ovid regarding Cupid's Golden Arrow

That said, he [Cupid] hurried off; he beat his wings

until he reached Parnassus' shady peak;

there, from his quiver, Cupid drew two shafts

of opposite effect: the first rejects,

the second kindles love. This last is golden,

its tip is sharp and glittering; the first

is blunt, its tip is leaden -- and with this

blunt shaft the god pierced Daphne. With the tip

of gold he hit Apollo; and the arrow

pierced to the bones and marrow.

And at once

the god of Delos is aflame with love;

but Daphne hates its very name ...

Ovid, Metamorphoses 1:468-474, as rendered in: The Metamorphoses of Ovid, a new verse translation by Allen Mandelbaum (New York: Harcourt Brace, c1993): p. 21.

Quotation from Shakespeare regarding Cupid's Golden Arrow

[Hermia to Lysander]

I swear to thee, by Cupid's strongest bow,

By his best arrow with the golden head ...

A Midsummer Night's Dream 1.1.169-170. I am using this edition: The Works of William Shakespeare Gathered into One Volume (New York: Shakespeare Head Press edition published by Oxford University Press,1938): p. 281.

Quotation from Henry Fielding regarding Cupid's Golden Arrow

... the little god Cupid, fearing he had not yet done the lady's business, took a fresh arrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directly into her heart: in other and plainer language, the lady's passion got the better of her reason.

From the novel: Joseph Andrews, [by] Henry Fielding; edited with an introduction and notes by Martin C. Battestin (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., c1961; "Riverside Editions"): book 1, chapter 7, p. 28-29. Based on the 4th edition (1748). Originally published, 1742.

Cupid's leaden arrow:

That which keeps one from falling in love.

See also Cupid's golden arrow (especially the quotation from Ovid).

x arrow of Cupid.

x leaden arrow of Cupid.

Cupid's torch:

That which "lights the hidden fires of love," to quote Ovid, Metamorphoses 1:461-462.

Reference

Metamorphoses, [by] Ovid; with an English translation by Frank Justus Miller (3rd ed., revised by G. P. Goold (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press): v. 1 (1977; in series: The Loeb Classical Library): p. 35.

See also carry a torch for, Cupid's golden arrow, flame, have the hots for, incandescence, in love, old flame, sex god, torchy.

x torch of Cupid.

-curious:

See bi-curious, gay curious.

curtain lecture:

A private scolding of one spouse by another -- in usual usage, of a husband by his wife -- especially in bed, and even more especially in an old-fashioned bed enclosed within hanging cloth.

See also Caudle lecture, pillow talk.

curtezan:

See courtesan.

curtizan:

See courtesan.

custom of the country:

As a formulaic term, a reference to the ius primae noctis (q.v.).

Source: Curiosities of Popular Customs and of Rites, Ceremonies, Observances, and Miscellaneous Antiquities, by William S. Walsh (Philadelphia: J. B. Lippincott Co., c1897, t.p. 1904): pp. 314-415.

See also droit de seigneur, ius connubii, maritage.

cut and carried:

Married, said of a woman.

See also been and done it, cash and carried, dot and carried, gone and done it, hitched, married, yoked.

cute meet, or cute-meet:

An initial encounter between lovers-to-be that is humorous or otherwise appealling in the telling or depiction, or the story thereof.

Comment: This is cinema lingo, that is, a film term; and the cute meet is a staple of romantic comedies.

Also called a meet-cute.

See also assignation, jeune premier, jeune première, joyous defeat, meet-cute, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, tryst.

x stories.

cutie:

1. A term of endearment for one's child or lover.

2. A person whom one finds charming or attractive.

See also babe, baby, babycakes, bellibone, beloved, cutie pie, darling, dear, dearest friend, dearheart, fox, honey, jaina, love (as in "my sweet love"), lover, loverboy, lovey, partner, studmuffin, sugar, sweetheart, sweetie, term of endearment, valentine.

cutie pie:

1. A term of endearment for one's child or lover.

2. A person whom one finds charming, attractive, and sweet.

See also babe, baby, babycakes, baby talk, beloved, cutie, darling, dear, dearest friend, dearheart, honey, jaina, love (as in "my sweet love"), lover, loverboy, lovey, partner, studmuffin, sugar, sweetheart, sweetie, term of endearment, valentine.

cut in:

1. To insert oneself, as into a line, ahead of someone.

2. To take over, during a dance, as someone's dance partner.

2. To draw away the attention of a person who is on a date with or is otherwise just with someone else.

See also cockblock, horn in.

Quotation from J. D. Salinger Illustrating "Cut In"

[Holden Caulfield narrating] I never danced with her [Jane Gallagher] or anything the whole time I knew her. I saw her dancing once, though. She looked like a very good dancer. It was at this Fourth of July dance at the club. I didn't know her too well then, and I didn't think I ought to cut in on her date.

From the novel: The Catcher in the Rye, [by] J. D. Salinger (Boston: Little, Brown, 1951): chapter 18, p. 175.

cyber-:

A prefix, short for "cybernetic," fairly freely attached to words, especially those with which "cyber-" is alliterative, for processes accomplished via computer or that are otherwise related to computers.

Comments: The noun "cybernetics," from which "cybernetic" is a back-formation, was coined circa 1948 by Norbert Wiener from the Greek word kubernêtês ("pilot" or "governor"). His definition: "the entire field of control and communication theory, whether in the machine or in the animal."

With regard to the topic or love relationships, terms beginning with this prefix, many neologisms, abound, for example, "cyber-Romeo" and "cyber-tryst."

Inconsistency abounds as to whether "cyber" is joined directly to a word or is joined to it with a hyphen.

In the formation of terms, "computer," "cyber-," "e-," "Internet," "online," and "virtual" are often used synonymously, or nearly so; and many a word preceded by one might also be found preceded by any of the others.

Reference

Cybernetics, or, Control and Communication in the Animal and the Machine., [by] Norbert Wiener (New York: John Wiley, 1948): p. 19. Not examined.

See also cyber.

x Greek terms.

cyber:

1. Short for "cybernetic," often used instead of the prefix.

2. Short for "to engage in cybersex," as in "Do you cyber?"

See also cyber-.

cyberadultery:

Sexual intimacy online, this on the part of a married person with someone other than his or her spouse, at least when such intimacy violates expectations within the marital relationship.

Comment: The precise parameters for what is considered cyberadultery may vary from speaker to speaker, some throwing the net as wide as to include online flirting or affection for an online partner, others denying that there can be such a thing except as an artificial construction on analogy with real-life adultery. Furthermore, some speakers reject any relativity and would thus omit the last clause in the definition.

See also adultery, chat cheat, cyber-betrayal, cyber-cheating, cyber-infidelity, virtual adultery.

cyber-affair:

A romance conducted online.

Comment: In some usage, the term carries the overtones of cyberadultery.

See also affair, cyberadultery, cyber-relationship, cyberromance, Internet affair, online affair, online relationship, romance, virtual affair.

cyber-betrayal:

A violation of a partner's relationship expectations by engaging in cyberflirting, cybersex, or an intimate online relationship with someone else.

See also betrayal, chat cheat, cyberadultery, cyber-cheating, cyberflirtation, cyber-infidelity, cyber relationship, cybersex partner, online relationship, virtual adultery.

cyber-cheating:

Violating the expectations in one's love or marital relationship by engaging in romance or intimacies online.

See also chat cheat, cheat, cyberadultery, cyber-betrayal, cyber-infidelity, virtual adultery.

cyberdating:

1. Finding and communicating with one or more people online for sexual or romantic purposes, typically with a view to ultimately meeting the best prospect(s) in so-called "real life."

2. Using computer-to-computer communications to arrange dates in "real life," for instance through an online dating service.

See also alternative dating, date, dating service, online dating, Rules Girl.

cyberfling:

1. An energetic online relationship of short duration, characterized by the sharing of sexual intimacies.

2. A partner in such a relationship.

See also cyberlover, cyber relationship, cybersex partner, fling, online relationship, partner.

cyberflirt, or cyber-flirt, or cyber flirt; as in "a cyberflirt":

A person who acts in an erotically playful or amorously teasing manner online, especially in order to attract the person on the other end.

Contrast e-flirtee (q.v.). See also flirt.

cyberflirt, or cyber-flirt; as in "to cyberflirt":

To act in an erotically playful or amorously teasing manner online, especially in order to attract the person on the other end.

Comment: Commonly in the form, "cyberflirting."

See also flirt, geek-flirt.

cyberflirtation, or cyber-flirtation:

Acting in an erotically playful or amorously teasing manner online, especially in order to attract the person on the other end.

See also cyber-betrayal, e-flirt, flirtation, sexting.

cyberginity:

Lacking any experience with cybersex, that is, with erotic stimulation via online conversations and exchanges in combination with physical sexual stimulation, for instance, through self-touching.

Comment: A portmanteau word: cyber + virginity.

See also virginity.

cyber-infidelity:

Violation of the expectations in one's love or marital relationship by engaging in romance or sexual intimacies online.

See also chat cheat, cyberadultery, cyber-betrayal, cyber-cheating, infidelity, virtual adultery.

cyberlove or cyber-love or cyber love:

Online bonding and intimacy between individuals of complementary sexual orientation, either without their being physically present to one another or as a key facet of a muti-faceted relationship that does include "skin-to-skin" physical intimacy.

Contrast real-life relationship (q.v.) and skin-to-skin intimacy (q.v.). See also cyber relationship, dating plan, instant messaging, long-distance relationship, new adultery, online relationship.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Cyberlove"

Let's look ... at a few of the many unattached men and women over 50 who are out there, trying like mad to find dates, sex, love -- even if it's just cyberlove ...

From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): p. 98.

cyberlover or cyber-lover or cyber lover:

A partner in an online love relationship.

See also cyberfling, cybersex partner, partner.

cyber relationship:

1. An erotic relationship conducted chiefly by way of computer-to-computer communication, for instance, by way of email and instant messages.

2. A love relationship conducted chiefly by way of computer-to-computer communication.

See also chat cheat, commuter marriage, cyber-affair, cyber-betrayal, cyberfling, cyberromance, cybersex partner, electronic wedlock, e-mail marriage, erotic connection, erotographomania, far-away sweetie, hundred-mile rule, instant messaging, Internet affair, long-distance relationship, love letter, love relationship, Net mate, online affair, online relationship, sexual correspondence, telegamy, text messaging relationship, toothing, virtual affair, virtual community.

cyberromance:

1. The history of an online love relationship.

2. An online love relationship, especially its total course to date.

3. The budding of an online love relationship.

4. The lead up to a committed love relationship insofar as it occurs online.

5. A prolonged flirtation online.

6. The stream of emotions associated with reciprocated sexual desire and reciprocated love insofar as those emotions have been engendered online.

See also cyber-affair, cyber relationship, Internet affair, love at first text message, online affair, romance, virtual affair.

cybersex partner:

A person with whom one engages in mutual erotic stimulation by way of computer-to-computer communication, especially a person with whom one engages in such activity repeatedly.

Comments: Cybersex is erotic stimulation by way of computer. "To cyber" is the short form of "to engage in cybersex with one or more persons by way of computer-to-computer communication" (even though the etymology of "cyber" has nothing to do with sex.) Given the appropriate programs and equipment, cybersex between people can involve typed words; sound, including voice; visual images, both static and moving; remote touch; and even a simulation of bodily presence. It can take place in both real time and delayed time (time-shifts). And it may involve such activities as the conjoint generation of erotic fantasies, joint touring of romantic and erotic sites on the Internet, erotic game-playing online, descriptions of what the partners would be doing to each other if they were together bodily, and the sharing of intimacies and mental tenderness. Typically sexual gratification is achieved by masturbating or engaging in body-to-body sexual activity with one or more other persons, who may, possibly, take turns at the computer communicating with the cybersex partner. It is possible to engage erotically several cybersex partners all at the same time.

Engaging in mutual erotic stimulation with a cybersex partner may be an activity entirely unto itself, it may be a prelude to body-to-body sexual activity, or it may complement body-to-body sexual activity with that person. It can serve many purposes besides the direct one of stimulation. For example:

It can enable prospective love relationship partners to explore in advance how well they complement each other sexually, this without risking pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

It can be a medium for exploring one's own sexuality and for cultivating one's sexual skills.

It can enable the exploration of eroticism in ways that are impossible in real life.

It can be revisited if stored in computer memory.

It can lead to or serve to cement an online relationship.

It can supplement and enhance a body-to-body sexual relationship, for instance by bringing out the mental aspects of eroticism.

It can help sustain a long distance relationship.

It also entails a variety of dangers. For example:

Cybersex, much like real-life sex, can engage a wide range of emotions and personal vulnerabilities and thus lead to hurt feelings.

Other relationships can be damaged due to neglect or the transgression of expectations, such as an expectation of sexual exclusivity.

One's cybersex record can be intruded upon to one's detriment or embarrassment, even years later if stored in computer memory.

Engaging in cybersex can create moral confusion and/or conflicts with one's expectations for oneself.

Sexual predators sometimes use cybersex as a prelude to victimizing a person.

See also adultery, alternative dating, cyber-betrayal, cyberfling, cyberlover, erotic connection, erotographomania, instant messaging, long-distance lover, Net mate, online relationship, partner, phone sex partner, sexting, sexual compatibility, sexual correspondence.

cyber widow:

A person whose spouse spends excessive amounts of time online or otherwise on a computer, to the neglect of their relationship.

See also fishing widow, golf widow, media widow, sports widow, spouse, tennis widow, widow.

cycling:

In the description or diagramming of sexual networks, those situations in which people have sexual relationships with others who have been within a few steps of them in the network; the changing of partners, collectively considered, within a small number of people, who may yet be part of a larger network of partnerships.

See also chains of affection, dating chain, genogram, intimate network, Langdon Chart, romantic network, sexual connection, sexual network, take seconds.

Cytherea's Ceston:

See Aphrodite's girdle, girdle of Venus.

Go to report: The Theory of Human Sexuality and Marriage.

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Begun, March 16, 1999; posted, July 26, 2002; new url, January 28, 2004, last modified, November 20, 2009, by NEA