Glossary of Relationship Terms

Marriage, Love Relationships

& Polykoity



Norman Elliott Anderson



I -K


Table of Contents


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Feedback opportunity


"I ain't dead yet":

See I'm not dead yet, sex after fifty.

"I am not dead yet":

See "I'm not dead yet."

"I am not sure I do not want (her or him) anymore" syndrome:

See "I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome.



Ideal breeding material; a person one can easily envision making babies with because of his or her particular characteristics.

See also breeder, eugenics, ideal, stirpiculture.

x abbreviations and acronyms.

icebreaker marriage:

A starter marriage (q.v.) or, otherwise, an initial marital union that prepares one for one or more subsequent marital unions.

See also marriage.

ice queen:
1. A woman who behaves haughtily and heartlessly.

2. A woman who demonstrates no affection.

3. A woman who demonstrates no sexual desire.

See also bump on a log, dry stick, frigidity, hyposexuality, queen.

iconography of love:

Visual symbolism and art that represents aspects of romance, sexual passion, and affectionate or otherwise caring relationships.

See also Cupid's golden arrow, discourse of desire, heart, love, valentine.

I could eat (him or her), or I could eat (him or her) up:

An expression to the effect that one is intensely fond of (said person), so much so that one wishes one could make that person part of oneself.

Comments: Not to be confused with the expression, "I could eat (him or her) without salt" (which has the opposite meaning). And the "eat" in either expression is not to be confused with the "eat" in "Eat me!" (which often is a woman's invitation to perform cunnilingus on her).

"I could eat him" has been identified as a Wenglish expression (that is, as an expression used in Wales), but it is hardly exclusive to Wenglish and is widely used. As a matter of fact, It has also been identified as an expression found in India.

Variant: "I could gobble (him or her) up."


For the expression in Wenglish, see: 'Talk Tidy': The Art of Speaking Wenglish, by John Edwards (Cowbridge: D. Brown, 1985): p. 24.

For the expression in India, see: Folk-Songs of the Maikal Hills, [by] Verrier Elwin & Shamrao Hivale (London; New York; Bombay: Published for Man in India by Humphrey Milford, Oxford University Press [1944]; in series: Specimens of the Oral Literature of Middle India; [2]): p. 117.

See also fond of, I love you.

x Wenglish terms.

Quotation from Charles Berg Illustrating "I could eat him"


"... Love means sacrifice, caring for people. I have felt of this man on some occasions that I love him so much I could eat him." 

From: War in the Mind: The Case Book of a Medical Psychologist: An Introduction to the Practical Application of Modern Psychology, by Charles Berg (2nd ed. London: Macaulay Press, 1944 [i.e. 1945]): p. 49. <Snippet view only>

`idda (Arabic):

In Islamic law, a prescribed waiting period before a widow or divorcée is allowed to remarry. For a widow it is four months and ten days (Koran, sura 2:234). However, even during this time, she is allowed to receive proposals of marriage (Koran, sura 2:235). For a divorcée 'idda is:

A husband is enjoined to keep the wife he is divorcing under his care until her waiting period is over (Koran, sura 65:1). For slave women, the prescribed waiting periods are less.

See also divorcée, nikah, remarriage, widow.

x Arabic terms.
x Koran and Islamic law.



1. With regard to a man or a woman:

  1. The artistic vision of a man or woman aesthetically portrayed in a perfected or basic form.
  2. A virtuous person whose entire behavior is directed by virtue.
  3. A perfect physical specimen, with regard to form or health or likely robustness of offspring.
  4. The best that a person can be.
  5. A perfect fit, as for a job.

2. With regard to a partner or prospective partner:

  1. A pattern of attractiveness and desirability in one's mind, perhaps one of several, by which a person is measured; a mental template or "script" (to borrow a term from Transactional Analysis) that one uses for choosing a partner.
  2. A maximal meeting of one of the patterns of attractiveness and desirability that one has in one's mind.
  3. A mate who is exactly the right fit as such.
  4. The beloved as seen through the eyes of love.
  5. A vision of the beloved in perfected form.

3. With regard to a relationship:

  1. One that, on the part of each party, meets needs, desires, and expectations.
  2. One that is characterized by profound rapport and mutually loving attention.
  3. One in which the parties are perfectly matched.
  4. One that enhances the happiness and beauty shining out from within of each of the parties.
  5. One that is dreamt of as maximally pleasing.
  6. One that because of its supreme goodness serves as a measure for the goodness of other relationships.

Comment: The term "script" is from the school of psychology known as Transactional Analysis.

See also boyfriend material; boy of (one's) dreams; callipygian ideal; Dirty Harry syndrome; dream; dream date; entelechy; fantasy life; genicon; girlfriend material; girl of (one's) dreams; girl with sass; human beauty; IBM; lady in the parlor; ovemap; made for each other; match made in heave; man of (one's) dreams; Mary Sue story; Michelangelo phenomenon; Miss Right; Miss Wonderful; Mister Right; Mister Wonderful; Ms. Right; one true love; perfect catch; person of (one's) dreams; Prince Charming; Pygmalion complex; right man; right person; right woman; Rubenesque; sexual imprinting; soul mate; strong silent type; tall, dark, and handsome; template (for a lover); ten; true love; true lover; type; woman of (one's) dreams.

Quotation from a Translation of August Strindberg by Van Wyck Brooks Illustrating "Ideal of a Woman"


"Monsieur," I said in my dream, "you have created a new heaven and a new earth, but I do not enjoy myself in the midst of your creation. It is too sun-drenched for me, who enjoy the play of light and shade. And in your paradise there dwells an Eve who is not my ideal — for I, myself, really have an ideal of a woman or two!"

From a letter by August Strindberg (1849-1912) to Paul Gauguin (1848-1903) as given in: Paul Gauguin's Intimate Journals, translated by Van Wyck Brooks; preface by Emil Gauguin (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1958; "A Midland Book"): p. 46. Translation of: Avant et après (1918). Translation originally published: New York: Boni and Liveright, 1921.


identity release donor:

A sperm donor who formally agrees not to be anonymous, but who consents to be contacted by any of his offspring after they reach the age of eighteen.

Comment: Also called a known donor, an open donor, and a yes donor.

The opposite is called a non-identity release donor or a no donor.

See also sperm donor.

x known donor.
x open donor.
x yes donor.


Pertaining to an incapability of being fully aroused sexually by anyone other than one's spouse.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

Contrast idiogamous (q.v.). See also idiogamist, idiogamy.



1. A person who is incapable of being fully aroused sexually by anyone other than his or her spouse.

2. A man who is impotent with any woman other than his wife or another woman resembling her.

3. A partner in a self-defined marriage.

4. An advocate or supporter of self-defined marriages.

Comment: The last two senses build upon the neologism, "idiogamy," in its second sense.

Contrast the Coolidge effect and, in a different way, polyiterophilia (q.v.). See also idiogamic, idiogamy.



Pertaining to or characterized by idiogamy.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

Contrast idiogamic (q.v.). See also idiogamy.



1. Marriage in which at least one of the partners is sexually oriented solely to the other or is capable of full sexual arousal only by the other.

2. Self-defined marriage; marriage on terms set by the partners, not by custom or any social institution.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

See also -gamy, idiogamic, idiogamist, idiogamous.


"I don't care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home":

See "Don't care where you get your appetite so long as you eat at home."

"I don't give a damn":

See "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"I'd put my shoes in his wardrobe":

See "She can park her shoes under my bed."


hieron Aphroditês (Greek):

See temple of love.



Intimate friend (q.v.).

x abbreviations and acronyms.


"If a woman hasn't got a tiny streak of a harlot in her ...":

See dry stick.

"If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty":

See Jack and Jill.

"If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy":

An adage to the effect that the contentment of a nuclear family presupposes the contentment of the mother.

Comment: This adage, which dates back at least to the early 1980s, has many variations, for example:

See also "Happy wife, happy life," mother.

 x mama.

Quotation from Ferrol Sams Illustrating "If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy"


There is an unspoken Southern axiom that if a lady complains about something, a gentleman immediately assumes the responsibility of rectification. It is based on the principle that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, and it is an early molder of family attitudes and activities.

From: Run with the Horsemen, [by] Ferrol Sams (Atlanta, Ga.: Peachtree Publishers, c1982): p. 27.

"If you don't, somebody else will":

1. A relationship adage, often flirtatious or advisory, to the effect that you must not take your potential lover, your lover, or your spouse for granted; thus, for example:

2. A business adage, often advisory, to the effect that:

Comments: Some form of this adage can be documented, in the relationship sense, back at least to 1954; and in the business sense, back at least to 1993.

Among the variations of the adage in its relationship sense:

Note also this similar remark, but with a religious twist, by Tammy Kennedy: "Your husband will NOT be able to be the man that God intended for him to be if you don't take care of his sexual needs and desires!!!"

The adage in some uses in its relationship sense encapsulates a quintessential American practicality. However, like many adages, it is susceptible in some of its uses to various criticisms; for example:


For the 1954 relationships sense, note the song, "If you Don't, Somebody Else Will," [recorded by] Jimmy Lee [Fautheree] & Johnny Mathis; with Abe Manuel & the Louisiana Hillbillies ([Crowley, La.]: Feature Records, [1953]). Written by Johnny "Country" Mathis, Jimmy Lee Fautheree, and Geraldine Hamilton.

In the same vein, note also the song, "(If'n You Don't) Somebody Else Will," music Ray Conniff; lyric Fred Weismantel. Sung by Monica Lewis in the movie, "The D.I.," written by James Lee Barrett; directed by Jack Webb (1957).
For the 1993 business sense, see: Control Your Destiny or Someone Else Will: How Jack Welch Is Making General Electric the World's Most Competitive Corporation, [by] Noel M. Tichy and Stratford Sherman (New York: Doubleday, c1993).

The quotation is from: Solomon's Garden: A New Twist to an Old Song! Let the Dance Begin ..., by Tammy Kennedy ([Maitland, FL: Self-published through Xulon Press], c2008): p. 63.

See also attentions, take care of (someone).

"If you were the last person on earth, I wouldn't marry you":

See wouldn't marry (you) if (you) were the last person on earth.

"I have a boyfriend" test:

The use of the statement, "I have a boyfriend," in order to see if a suitor has enough gumption and interest to pursue one nevertheless, rather than to mean what it often means, namely, "I'm not interested in going on a date with you."

Comment: The natural complement would be an "I have a girlfriend" test. However, I haven't found any lexical examples of that.

See also boyfriend.

x tests.

"I have a headache":

See "Not tonight, dear."

ile a ride, or ile-a-ride (Jamaican):

In need of sexual intercourse; sexually frustrated; horny.

Comment: To break down the expression (with inadequate resources at my disposal):

So, perhaps, "slick for intercourse."

See also horny.

x Jamaican terms.

-ilf, or -ILF:

"[Someone] I'd like to f*ck."

Comment: A component used in combining.

See also dilf, filf, gfilf, gilf, gmilf, hilf, milf (which see for discussion), tilf, wilf, -ylf.

x abbreviations and acronyms.


"Infinite love in infinite combinations"; an overall characterization of polyamory.

Comment: A play upon Star Trek's IDIC = "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."

An ILIC symbol, dating back at least to 2001, is shown below.

ILIC symbol

See also polyamory, poly pride flag (which see for the color and pi symbolism), poly symbol (which see for the infinity symbol).

x abbreviations and acronyms.
x infinite love in infinite combinations.

illegitimate spouse:

A partner in a relationship where the parties accept each other as spouses of one another even though their mutual spousehood is not recognized under the applicable code of law.


See also common law spouse, counterfeit bride, counterfeit bridegroom, gay marriage, illicit lover, incest, klepsigamist, partner, polygamy, sexual immorality, spousal equivalent, TOCOTOX.


illicit love:

A relationship, entailing sexual activity, that is contrary to morals, mores, or law.

See also adultery, affair, extramarital affair, forbidden love, fornication, illicit lover, illicit relationship, inappropriate relationship, incest, irregular connection, klepsigamy, love, nonmarital sex, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unwelcome admixture with sexuality, venereal transgression.

Quotation from Shirley Abbott Illustrating "Illicit Love"


I was sleeping badly, having regular and severe migraines, no longer believed my own propaganda about the beauty of forbidden love. I did love Olivia. But our moments of joy, of hope, were often quenched by terror.

The penalties attached to illicit love now threatened to overwhelm me.

From: Love's Apprentice, [by] Shirley Abbott (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1998): p. 85.


illicit lover:

1. A person with whom engaging in sexual activity is contrary to morals, mores, or law but who is one's sex partner anyway.

2. The lover of a person who is married to somebody else, especially in a social context where extramarital affairs are contrary to mores or law.

See also adulterer, backdoor lover, backstreet mistress, cavalier servante, cicisbeo, cornutor, illegitimate spouse, illicit love, klepsigamist, leman, lover, mistress, other man, other woman, paramour, partner, sex partner, side girl.


illicit relationship:

1. A sexual relationship considered immoral, illegal, or improper.

2. A sexual relationship that violates biblical norms regarding sexuality and marriage, which some suppose to be the following (definition 3):

3. A sexual relationship that is either incestuous or other than a monogamous marital relationship.

See also backdoor lover, fornication, illicit love, illicit lover, inappropriate relationship, incest, indiscretion, Internet affair, irregular connection, klepsigamy, Lasterkatalog, leman, online affair, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual relationship, traditional morality, venereal transgression.


ill-starred mating:

A marriage or love relationship that is out of harmony with the order of the universe and which is therefore destined to lead to tragedy or great unhappiness.

Comment: A term that assumes astrology as its frame of reference.

Example: The Japanese tale entitled, "An Ill-Starred Mating of Earth and Sea," in: The Lore of Love, by the editors of Time-Life Books (Alexandria, Va.: Time-Life Books, c1987; in series: The Enchanted World): pp. 87-95.

See also Age of Aquarius, astrological love signs, sextrology, star-crossed lovers.

I love you:

1. As a sentence or phrase, a first person singular to second person singular (or sometimes plural) statement of affection and emotional attachment.

2. As a substantive, a formulaic statement of affection that is objectified as such, as in, "She sent an 'I love you.'"

Comment: "I love you" is widely regarded as one of the sweetest expressions there is, unless empty (in which case it can be hurtful). In that regard, it competes with but few others, examples among romantic expressions being "I'm in love with you," "my sweetheart,"and "Will you marry me?" Examples from among more general expressions include "I forgive you," and, when someone is in need, "Let me help" or "May I help you?" (To Henry James, "summer afternoon" seemed the most beautiful.) For the other end of the spectrum, see under "Oh well!"

Sometimes shorter ways are used to express the statement, for example:

An "I love you" is usually pregnant with hope for a comparable response; and, in any case, some sort of response is almost always called for.


For the suggestion by Henry James, see: A Backward Glance, by Edith Wharton (New York: D. Appleton-Century Co., 1934): chapter 10.

See also declaration, declare, express love, "He loves me, he loves me not," I could eat (him or her), ILU, I LUV U, L-bomb, love, love letter, (my) heart beats for (you), 143 (one four three), premature "I love you," rose, sex talking, sweetheart, two most important words in a marriage, valentine.

x most romantic expressions.

Quotation from "Star Trek" Illustrating "I Love You"

Edith Keeler (as played by Joan Collins): "Did you do something wrong? Are you afraid of something? Whatever it is, let me help."

Captain James T. Kirk (as played by Willam Shatner): "'Let me help.'
A hundred years or so from now, a novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words
even over 'I love you.'"

Keeler: "Centuries from now? Who is he? Where does he come — Where will he come from? Silly question."

Kirk: "Want to hear a silly answer?"

Keeler: "Yes."

Kirk: "A planet ... circling that far left star in Orion's belt."

From the American science fiction TV series, "Star Trek," Episode 28, Production 28, "City on the Edge of Forever," directed by Joseph Pevney; written by Harlan Ellison and rewritten by several hands before filming (first aired, April 6, 1967).

Quotation from "Sex and the City" Illustrating "I Love You"


Carrie Bradshaw (as played by Sarah Jessica Parker): Everything before "I love you" just doesn't count.

From the American TV series, "Sex and the City," Season 2, Episode 10 (or 22 of the series), "The Caste System," Allison Anders, director; Darren Star, writer (first aired, August 8, 1999).


"I love you" coupon:

See love coupon.


I love you.

Comment: Abbreviation used especially in texting, that is, online communication.

x abbreviations and acronyms.

I LUV U, or I luv u:

I love you.

x abbreviations and acronyms.

ilyback (Jamaican):

1. A strong man.

2. A man who has long endured sexual abstinence.

See also abstinence, celibate.

x Jamaican terms.

imaginative split-triangle:

A situation in which an individual is living monogamously with one person, that is, as part of a dyad (q.v.), while remaining in love but not physically involved with another, such as a former lover.

See also emotional infidelity, in love, monogamy, split-object triangle, triangle.

Quotation from Ethel S. Person on Imaginative Split-Triangles


Some people engage in what I would consider to be imaginative split-triangles. They lead conventional monogamous lives, but hold to the belief (sometimes articulated, sometimes not) that they are still deeply in love with someone with whom they once shared a great love. One elderly gentleman, in a marriage most of his friends regard as exemplary, will occasionally confide that he loved someone else early in his marriage, but that, because he was an honorable man, he stayed the course and gave up his one true love.

From: Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion, [by] Ethel S. Person (New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1989; originally published, 1988): p. 231.


himas Aphroditou (Greek term):

See Aphrodite's girdle.


imbroglio of polyamours:

A tangle of people who share at least one current lover in common.

Comments: Coined by T. Rifkin Elliott.

Pronunciation note: The "g" in "imbroglio" is silent.

See also bevy of beaux, bevy of beloveds, bewitching coven of beloveds, bouquet of lovers, bundle of freemates, cadre of beloveds, clutch of lovers, covey of lovers, cuddle of lovers, harem, muster of mates, partner, polyamour, seraglio, stable, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

x collective terms.


I miss you:

See IMU.

immediate family:

1. Relatives who are members of the same household; family members with whom one lives.

2. Members of a nuclear family (q.v.).

Sometimes contrasted with extended family (q.v.). See also two-parent family.


immigration marriage fraud:

1. Becoming the spouse of a citizen for the purpose of acquiring a certain immigration status rather than for purposes of marital union with that citizen, this as a way of deceiving the authorities.

2. As the citizen in the above scheme, knowingly participating in the deception.

See also fauxmance, faux wedding, green card marriage, klepsigamy, marriage, marriage fraud, mock marriage, paper marriage, sham marriage, showmance.



1. Said of a person: characterized by a willingness to violate standards of propriety, especially for purposes of self-aggrandizement.

2. Said of a behavior: characterized by a violation of standards of propriety, especially when such violation runs contrary to fellow-feeling.

3. Said of an effect: characterized by foreseeable and unjustifiable suffering brought about by voluntary action or, more generally, simply by suffering.

4. Said of a law or policy: characterized by:

5. In general: Pertaining to persons, behaviors, effects, laws, and policies as described above.

Contrast moral (q.v.). See also amoral, carnally minded, dirty, fast, immorality, lascivious, lecherous, licentious, naughty, unchaste, wanton.

Related terms beyond the scope of this glossary: debauched, dissolute.


Behavior that violates standards of propriety.

Comments: People often talk past one another, meaning very different things by immorality, when they don't share either the same standards or the same idea of where those standards should come from, whether that be God, reasoning from values that aim towards goodness, or some socially based authority, such as custom or a legislative body.

Sometimes the term "immorality" is used as a shortened form of "sexual immorality," and that practice may have contributed to the frequent tendency to forget that sexual immorality is just a small part of the totality of what is considered immorality.

Contrast morality (q.v.). See impurity, immoral, sexual immorality.

"I'm not dead yet":

1. An obvious statement indicating life on the part of the speaker, typically accompanied by a statement of the obstacles overcome and/or the implications, for instance, with regard to inheritance.

2. An expression that invites the person being addressed, usually light-heartedly, to recognize that sexual attraction on one's part to somebody is evidence of vitality, however old or near death's door one might seem. One of the assumptions — or implications, as the case may be in context — is that sexual attraction is a persistent and even vital aspect of life.

Comment: Among the variations: "I ain't dead yet."

Daniel Webster did not originate and perhaps never even uttered the expression, but his name is closely associated with it. "I still live" were purportedly his last words (uttered October 24, 1852). Those words of his became famous, some people understanding them to refer to the afterlife. Eventually, in the retellings, they morphed into "I ain't dead yet," while still being attributed to Webster. More than a century after his death, there circulated this apocryphal story, supposedly as told by a New England farmer: "Dan'l opened his eyes, took one look at the glass of whiskey on the table at his bedside, another at the pretty nurse, and said 'I ain't dead yet.'"


For this version of the story about Daniel Webster, see My Experiments with Volcanoes, [by] Thomas A. Jaggar (Honolulu: Hawaian Volcano Research Association,1956): p. 85.

See also attraction, gray sex, sex after fifty.

x ain't dead yet.
x "I ain't dead yet."
x "I am not dead yet."
x not dead yet.

Quotation from George Coleman Illustrating "'I'm Not Dead Yet"

'Merry! ay, nephey,' quoth aunt Biddy, 'I danced four dances last night, fell in love, and dreamed that I was kissing my partner. Die! why you don't think I mean to die because I sent for you to make my will. Old Crab! I'm not dead yet, nephey Bat — I am not dead yet.'

From the novel: The History of Mr. John Decastro and His Brother Bat, Commonly Called Old Crab, the merry matter written by John Mathers [pseudonym]; the grave by a solid gentleman (London: T. Egerton, 1815): v. 2, chapter 1, p. 14. "John Mathers" is presumed to be a pseudonym for George Coleman.

"I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome:

A typical characteristic of an intermediate stage in a person's phasing out of an affair, a phase in which a person is uncertain about his or her feelings, an uncertainty of which a decline in attentiveness while yet hanging on is symptomatic.

See also attentions, break-up, "It's not you, it's me", quasi-breakup.

x "I am not sure I do not want (her or him) anymore" syndrome.
x syndromes.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "'I'm Not Sure I Don't Want Her Anymore' Syndrome"


[150] Although I think any woman worth her salty tears knows when her lover is starting to back off, there are a few little things almost every man does that you should be on the lookout for....

On the nonsexual side, he may start being late for dates. After that comes the "unexpected business [151] appointment" ploy, on the evenings he has an engagement with you. (Note that he always calls to break the date after it's too late for you to make alternate plans. This is part of the "I'm not sure I don't want you anymore" syndrome.) The third phase of the phasing out is when he doesn't call to break your date. He just fails to show up.

From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): pp. 150- 151.



A reason that would disallow marriage or the recognition thereof under civil or religious law, for example, if the marriage is or would be incestuous.

See also annulment, convalidation of marriage, conjugicide, digeneia, diriment impediment, forbid the banns, incest, occult impediment, public impediment, putative marriage, radical sanation, trigeneia.


implicated with:

1. Involved intimately with; metaphorically entangled or entwined with.

2. Involved with in an incriminating way.

See also intimate relationship.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Implicated with"


Her [Ursula Brangwen's] whole soul was implicated with [Anton] Skrebensky — not the young man of the world, but the undifferentiated man he was.

From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 15, p. 427.



A person trasported from a distance for purposes of casual sex.

Comment: Baseball argot. Said especially of a woman transported in for a baseball player while on the road.

See also casual sex, road beef, slump buster.

imported from France:

1. Brought into said country from the country whose capital is Paris.

2. Not subjected to censorship of sexual content; risqué.

3. Characterized by unconventional and unusual behavior with regard to sexual relationships — unconventional and unusual, say, for the United Kingdom or the United States, as in the ménage à trois.

See also European marriage, French arrangement, ménage à trois.

x France.

Quotation from W. S. Gilbert Illustrating "Imported from France"


If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,
     You may get a bland smile from these sages;
But should it, by chance, be imported from France,
     Half a crown is stopped out of your wages!
                 It's a general rule,
                      Though your zeal it may quench,
                 If the family fool
                      Tells a joke that's too French,
     Half a crown is stopped out of his wages!

From a song, sung by the character Jack Point, a jester, in Act 2 of: The Yeomen of the Guard; or, The Merryman and His Maid: A New and Original Opera, in Two Acts, as found in: Original Plays, by W. S. Gilbert. Third Series ... (London: Chatto & Windus, 1908): p. 289. "First produced at the Savoy Theatre, London ... October 3rd, 1888." <Second, fourth, and ninth lines indented; fifth and seventh lines further indented, the sixth and eighth lines even further>

impregnation party:

A social gathering that is for the purpose of or that features insemination of at least one ovulating woman in order to make her pregnant.

Comments: An option sometimes chosen when a woman does not have a male partner, when her male partner is unlikely to make her pregnant, when her male partner is into being cuckolded, or when a child is desired with a different genetic heritage from her male partner's.

The insemination might take place either in the midst of others or privately in a separate room. Typically the insemination of each or any woman is natural, but it might also be artificial; and typically it is accomplished with sperm from multiple men. However, an impregnation party might have just one man with multiple women or it might feature just one man with one woman, even her usual partner.

See also bareback club, breeding party, complete the cuckoldry, creampie party, fertility party, multiple partner fertility, natural insemination by donor, pregathon, seeding date, sperm donor.

x party.

Imprisoned in every woman, there's a whore trying to get out:

See Inside every woman, there's a whore trying to get out.

improper proposal:

An offer the acceptance of which would violate one's own commitments, the commitments of the person to whom the offer is being made, or the mores of the surrounding culture, especially such an offer with a sexual component that would interfere with a marriage or love relationship.

See also indecent proposal, proposal, proposition, sexual mores.

Quotation from the Angus Davidson Translation of Alberto Moravia Illustrating "Conjugal Passion"

She [Leda, the narrator's wife] was sure that Antonio had intended by means of these contacts, to establish a relationship with her, to make her an improper proposal.

From the novel: Conjugal Love, by Alberto Moravia (New York, N.Y.: New American Library, 1952, c1951; in publisher's series: A Signet Book; 922): chapter 7, p. 50. Translated from the Italian of L'Amore Coniugale (1949) by Angus Davidson. Originally published in English: New York, Farrar, Straus and Young, 1951.


1. The condition of being sullied or adulterated.

2. Ritual uncleannness.

3. A condition marked by impropriety.

4. The quality of being less than innocent or or less than virginal.

5. A lack of chasteness of mind or heart; the condition of being contaminated by lustful or other selfish motivation.

See also dirty, immorality, obscenity-purity complex, purity, sexual shame, stigmatic guilt, unchaste.


"I'm sorry":

See two most important words in a marriage.

"I'm too tired":

See "Not tonight, dear."


I miss you.

Comment: An abbreviation used especially in texting, that is, online communication.

See also miss, MUSO.

x abbreviations and acronyms
x I miss you.


A woman who inspires one's love.

Contrast inamorato (q.v.). See also flame, heartthrob, lover, partner, squish.



A man who inspires one's love.

Contrast inamorata (q.v.). See also flame, heartthrob, lover, partner, squish.


inappropriate relationship:

An erotic relationship that does not meet standards of propriety.

Comment: The word "inappropriate," which in its primary sense means "unsuitable," has come to mean also, "erotically wayward or sexually improper or pertaining to the mixing of unwelcome elements with sexuality or of unwelcome sexuality with other things," as often in the term "inappropriate behavior." So defined, the word has come to embrace a wide gamut of sexually related misbehavior, whether misbehavior as traditionally understood or as understandings have taken shape in modern times. Sometimes the term is specially nuanced, for instance, to indicate an abuse of power or to indicate that, whereas other physically intimate activities took place, vaginal insemination or the crossing of some other threshold significant to the speaker did not. So "inappropriate" is a useful term for those who wish either to throw a wide net or to remain vague, while at the same time it is a term notable, paradoxically, for both ambiguity and hair-splitting.

See also affair, backdoor lover, casting couch, fornication, illicit love, illicit relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, irregular connection, leman, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, relationship, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unwelcome admixture with sexuality, venereal transgression.


in a slump:

See slump.


A person one dates for a while between serious relationships without any intention of forming a tight bond with that person.

See also in-between relationship.

in-between relationship:

A casual relationship after one serious love relationship has ceased and before another begins.

See also casual relationship, in-betweener, rebound relationship, relationship, return to dating.


1. The uniting of closely related individuals, generally with a view to producing offspring with certain traits.

2. The mating of individuals who are closely related by blood or of individuals who belong to a small group, especially when according to custom, with offspring as a result.

Contrast outbreeding (q.v.). See also assortive mating, endogamy, homogamy, incest, kinship, Noah's Ark syndrome, Westermarck trap.


1. Such intensity of positive emotion as to radiate with beatitude upon the world.

2. A glow produced by the strong happy feelings associated with being in love or feeling well-loved.

3. A glow produced by expectant motherhood.

See also carry a torch for, crystallization, Cupid's torch, Cyprian torch, enchantment, have the hots for, in love, jouissance, kindled to one another, light of (one's) life, love-passion, new relationship energy, passionate love, polyglow, shine, slow-burn romance, spark of love, take a shine to, torchy, walk on air, walk on sunshine, za zsa zsu.



Involuntary celibacy; inability to find a romantic partner after a reasonable period of trying hard to do so, say six months or so.

Comment: A portmanteau term.

See also abstinence, celibacy, dating-challenged, love-shyness.


1. Violation of social rules regarding what kin one may not have sexual relations with or what kin one may not marry.

2. Sexual relations with closely related blood kin, especially in violation of social rules.

Comments: Incest has been one of the biggest traditional issues of sexual morality (q.v.).

Sometimes rules extend beyond consanguinity (q.v.) and natural affinity (q.v.) to include foster, adoptive, and/or spiritual relationships. As an example of the first, being a wet nurse creates an impediment to marriage under Islamic law (see rada`). As an example of the last, the Roman Catholic Church used to prohibit a baptized person from marrying either the person who administered the sacrament of baptism or his or her godmother or godfather (Code of Canon Law, pre-1983, canon 768 = 1079 <check>); however, this prohibition was dropped from the Code of Canon Law, 1983 edition.

With regard to determining incestuous marriages, of particular influence in the English-speaking world, besides Leviticus 18 and 20, has been the Book of Common Prayer (see chart below).



Wherein Whosoever are Related are Forbidden
by the Church of England to Marry Together
(found at the end of the Book of Common Prayer)

A man may not marry his:

A woman may not marry her:





Father's mother

Father's father

Mother's mother

Mother's father

Son's daughter

Son's son

Daughter's daughter

Daughter's son



Father's daughter

Father's son

Mother's daughter

Mother's son

Wife's mother

Husband's father

Wife's daughter

Husband's son

Father's wife

Mother's husband

Son's wife

Daughter's husband

Father's father's wife

Father's mother's husband

Mother's father's wife

Mother's mother's husband

Wife's father's mother

Husband's father's father

Wife's mother's mother

Husband's mother's father

Wife's son's daughter

Husband's son's son

Wife's daughter's daughter

Husband's daughter's son

Son's son's wife

Son's daughter's husband

Daughter's son's wife

Daughter's daughter's husband

Father's sister

Father's brother

Mother's sister

Mother's brother

Brother's daughter

Brother's son

Sister's daughter

Sister's son

The rise of the feminist and gay movements has led to some rethinking of incest, so that, for example:

So observe the following chart.

A Late Twentieth-Century Categorization of Incest1


Homosex incest

Heterosex incest


Female with female cousin
Female with male cousin2,4
Niece-maternal uncle5


Male with male cousin2
Male with female cousin2,4
Nephew-paternal aunt6

1 This chart is adapted from Table 2 in Lesbian Origins, [by] Susan Cavin (San Francisco: Ism Press, c1985): p. 59. In Cavin's view, "emotional female incest develops the original core of the human family" (p. 58). For a bit more explanation, see in this glossary under "emotional incest."

2 I observe that in several instances, Cavin, in her table, ignores the distinction between maternal and paternal relations. To my way of thinking, matri-incest would be most usefully defined according to biological (and perhaps adoptive) relations as they could be understood prior to discovery of biological descent from males. Thus, for example,under "matri-incest" one could speak only of maternal grandmothers and not paternal ones. Cavin's distinction is a bit more complex. She associates matri-incest with matrilineal societies, matrilocal societies, or mother-headed households; and she associates patri-incest with patrilineal, patrilocal, or patriarchal societies (pp. 22i-23i).

3 Note the matri-patri repetition.

4 Note the matri-patri repetition.

5 I confess to being puzzled as to why Cavin did not either add here "maternal aunt-nephew" or, as elsewhere, ignore the maternal-paternal distinction altogether and add simply "aunt-nephew."

6 I confess to being puzzled as to why Cavin did not add here "paternal uncle-niece" or, as elsewhere, ignore the maternal-paternal distinction altogether and add simply "uncle-niece."

Some Terms Related to Incest






sexual desire for one's sister

Greek + Greek (adelphë + lagneia)



yearning for one's sister

Greek + Greek (adelphë + pothos)



appetite for one's nephew

Greek + Greek (adelphideos + orexis or, possibly, rëxis, "a bursting")



soulful desire for one's niece

Greek + Greek (adelphidë + thumos or, possibly, thumiaö, "burn")



brother-sister marriage

Greek + Greek (adelphos / adelphë + gamos)



sexual desire for one's brother

Greek + Greek (adelphos + lagneia)



sex between or marriage of a brother and a sister

Greek: adelphomixia



sexual desire for one's cousin

Greek + Greek (anepsios + lagneia)



longing for one's brother

Greek + Greek (kasis + himeros)


Electra complex

focus of a daughter on her father (now generally called Oedipus complex)

Greek mythology

4, 5


sexual desire for one's son

Latin + Greek (filius + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's brother

Latin + Greek (frater + lagneia)


huidelagnia (pronounced hwee-)

sexual desire for one's son's daughter

Greek + Greek (huidë + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's son's son

Greek + Greek (huidous + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's son's wife

Greek + Greek + Greek (huios + gynë + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's son's mistress

Greek + Greek + Greek (huios + pallakis + lagneia)


Jocasta complex

focus of a mother on her son

Greek mythology

2, 4


sexual desire for one's maternal aunt

Greek + Greek (hë mëtradelphos + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's maternal uncle

Greek + Greek (ho mëtradelphos + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's mother's husband not one's father (as in polyandry)

Greek + Greek + Greek (mëtër + anër + lagneia)



sex with one's mother

Latin + Latin (mater + incestus)



mother-son marriage

Greek: mëtrogamia



sexual desire for one's mother

Greek + Greek (mëtër + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's mother's mother

Greek + Greek (mëtromëtör + lagneia)



sex with one's mother

Greek: mëtromixia



sexual desire for one's mother's father

Greek + Greek (mëtropatör + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's mother's paramour

Greek + Greek + Greek (mëtër + philëtör + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's stepmother

Latin + Greek (noverca + lagneia)


Oedipus complex

focus upon parent of opposite sex (originally a son upon the mother)

Greek mythology

4, 5


sexual desire for one's grandfather

Greek + Greek (pappos + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's paternal aunt

Greek + Greek (patradelphë + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's paternal uncle

Greek + Greek (patradelphos + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's father's wife not one's mother (as in polygyny)

Greek + Greek + Greek (patros + gynë + lagneia) -- notice 1 Corinthians 5:1



sexual desire for one's father

Greek + Greek (patër + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's father's mistress

Greek + Greek + Greek (patros + pallakis + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's father's father

Greek + Greek (patropatör + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's sister

Latin + Greek (soror + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's grandmother

Greek + Greek (tëthë + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's aunt, whether maternal or paternal

Greek + Greek (theia + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's uncle, whether maternal or paternal

Greek + Greek (theios + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's daughter's husband

Greek + Greek + Greek (thygatër + anër + lagneia)



sex with one's daughter

Greek, presumably shortened from thygatromixia



sexual desire for one's daughter's daughter

Greek + Greek (thygatridë + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's daughter's son

Greek+ Greek (thygatridous + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's daughter

Greek + Greek (thygatër + lagneia)

1, 2


father-daughter marriage

Greek: thugatrogamos



sex with one's daughter

Greek thygatromixia



sexual desire for one's daughter's paramour

Greek + Greek + Greek (thygatër + philëtör + lagneia)



sexual desire for one's stepfather

Latin + Greek (vitricus + lagnia)


* The suffix "-lagnia" has become well-established in English as indicating sexual desire. Its Greek root, lagneia, can indicate either sexual desire or coition. However, the usual ancient Greek suffix for coition that might be added to the term for a relative was "-mixia." Where one wishes specifically to indicate coition, it would make sense to substitute "-mixia" for "-lagnia." Similarly, where marriage is to be indicated, the suffix "-gamy" might be substituted. If I know of such "-gamy" or "-mixia" words in Greek or English, they are listed above. Otherwise I would suppose them to be neologisms.

** Some explanation as to why, so far, I have provided no term relating to a father's mother: Ancient Greek has:

  • mëtromëtör - mother's mother
  • patropatör - father's father

Then there are two other words:

  • mëtropatör
  • patromëtör

However, both mean "mother's father"! You would think that one of them -- I would suppose patromëtör, given the usual pattern -- means "father's mother." But, in Lucian, Alexander 58, patromëtör clearly means male ancestor on the mother's side (cf. 11). And in Herodotus 3:50 (and other sources), mëtropatör clearly means mother's father.

In other words, I have found four words for three slots and, thus far, no comparable word for one slot. There are, of course, two general words for "grandmother," mamma and tëthë, and one general term for grandfather, pappos.

1 Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual , Obscure, and Preposterous Words, gathered from numerous and diverse authoritative sources by Mrs. Byrne; edited, with an introduction by Mr. Byrne (Secaucus, N.J.: University Books [and] Citadel Press, c1974)

2 There's a Word for It! A Grandiloquent Guide to Life, [by] Charles Harrington Elster (New York, NY: Scribner, c1996): p. 77. "Filiolagnia" is an Elster coinage.

3 The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices, [by] Brenda Love; introduction by Michael Perry (Fort Lee, N.J.: Barricade Books, c1992. See especially "Glossary of Terms" (pp. [304]-314.

4 The Penguin Dictionary of Psychology, [by] Arthur S. Reber (2nd ed. London; New York, N.Y.: Penguin books, 1995.

5 Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language Unabridged ..., editor in chief, Philip Babcock Gove and the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff (Springfield, Mass.: Merriam-Webster, c1986).

6 My coinage, at least for English use (2004).

To express your opinion as to what should be considered incestuous, take the sexual ethics test.

See also adelphogamy, adultery, arsenokoitês, bestiality, brother-sister marriage, childhood incest, deceased wife's sister question, digeneia, emotional incest, father's wife, first-cousin marriage, forbidden degrees, forbidden love, Holiness Code, illegitimate spouse, illicit love, illicit relationship, impediment, inbreeding, ineligible, kinship, klepsigamy, matrogamy, menstruant as forbidden, milk incest, porneia, pornos, rival, rule of the gift, secondary incest, seed raising, sexual connection, sexual immorality, sexual sin, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritual incest, sunasova, take seconds, thugatrogamy, traditional morality, trigeneia, venereal transgression, Westermarck effect, Westermarck hypothesis, Westermarck trap, wistelkiya.


in circulation, as in "I'm back in circulation":

1. Dating.

2. Available for sex.

3. Available for a love relationship.

4. Single (q.v.).

Contrast out of circulation (q.v.). See also date, free, free agent, in the market, marital status, marrying kind, return to dating.


inclusive relationship:

A relationship in which all partners are open to bringing more lovers into the relationship.

Contrast exclusive relationship (q.v.). See also lovestyle, open couple, open group relationship, open relationship, polyamory.



1. Inability to live together happily or to function together productively, perhaps prospectively or from the start or after initial emotions have calmed down or after growing apart; clash of personalities.

2. Inability of partners to satisfy each other sexually and emotionally such that sexual and emotional restrictions attending their relationship are felt as burdens that cannot be long endured or such that sexual and emotional freedoms exercised are considered intolerable.

3. Inability of particular male and female sexual organs to fit together.

4. A frequently cited grounds for divorce, especially in jurisdictions where no fault divorce is allowed.

Contrast compatibility (q.v.). See also cagamosis, deal breaker, desperate, dysfunctional relationship, failed marriage, failed relationship, grounds for divorce, heterogamosis, irreconcilable differences, love-resolves-all myth, marital aptitude, marital blues, marital conflict, marital hell, marriage from hell, microphily, Miss Wrong, Mister Wrong, no fault divorce, odd couple, poor match, rocky relationship, stormy relationship, toxic relationship, trouble in paradise, "unequally yoked," unequal marriage, unfulfilled love, unhappily married, unsuccessful marriage.


incompleteness myth of singlehood:

The (presumably) false notion that one cannot be a whole person unless partnered.

Comment: That people are or should be whole in and of themselves has become a mantra in some counseling circles; and from such circles, but not exclusively, comes the identification of this notion as a myth. I have provided a name for the supposed myth, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy (October 17, 2006).

See also androgyne archetype, singlehood.

x myths.



1. Waywardness with regard to one's affections for a person; not loving a person consistently.

2. An inclination to shift one's affection or, in the absence of real affection, one's show of affection from one person to another; fickleness in one's affection.

For an additional lexical example, see under "infidelity."

See also constancy, emotional infidelity, infidelity, unfaithfulness.

Quotations from Jane Austen Illustrating "Inconstancy"


When alone with Elizabeth [Bennet] afterwards, she [Mrs Gardiner] spoke more on the subject. 'It seems likely to have been a desirable match for Jane [Bennet],' said she. 'I am sorry it went off. But these things happen so often! A young man, such as you describe Mr Bingley, so easily falls in love with a pretty girl for a few weeks, and when accident separates them, so easily forgets her, that these sort of inconstancies are very frequent.'

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 25, p. 181. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).


[Captain Harville]: '... I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men.'

[Anne Elliot]: Perhaps I shall. Yes, yes, if you please, no reference to examples in books. Men have had every advantage of us in telling their own story. Education has been theirs in so much higher a degree; the pen has been in their hands. I will not allow books to prove anything.'

From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 23, p. 281. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).



Characterized by inconstancy (q.v.).

See also constant, infidelious, unfaithful., volage

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Inconstant"


[Captain Harville]: 'No, no, it is not man's nature. I will not allow it to be more man's nature than woman's to be inconstant and forget those they do love, or have loved...'

From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 23, p. 280. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).



1. Lack of restraint, especially lack of sexual self-restraint.

2. Inability to be sexually abstinent.

3. Inability to control one's urination and defecation.

Adjectival form: incontinent.

Contrast continence (q.v.). See also abstinence.


incubus; plural, incubi:

1. A male demon of medieval mythology, said to seek sexual intercourse with women while they sleep.

2. An oppressive nightmare.

3. A person or thing that is like an oppressive nightmare.

See also alabaster, demon-lover, leannan sidhe, succubus.

in danger:

1. At risk of falling in love or otherwise of romantic involvement, especially if there is some disadvantage in it; strongly attracted despite ...

2. At risk of entering into an imprudent marriage or deeply dissatisfied in such a marriage.

3. At risk of being deceived with respect to a potential mate.

Contrast safe (q.v.). See also attraction, die with love, in love.

x danger.

Quotations from Jane Austen Illustrating "In Danger"


... Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her [Elizabeth Bennet]. He really believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.


[Jane Bennet]: 'My dear Lizzy, you cannot think me so weak, as to be in danger now.'

[Elizabeth Bennet]: 'I think you are in very great danger of making him [Charles Bingley] as much in love with you as ever.'

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 10, p. 72, and chapter 54, p. 420; cf. the last sentence of chapter 11 on p. 81 (where just "danger" is used); chapter 47, p. 353 ("in any danger from the deception"); and chapter 59, p. 468 ("in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage"). Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).


indecent proposal:

1. A solicitation of sexual intercourse.

2. A solicitation of what is widely regarded in a given culture as an unacceptable sexual practice.

3. An offer the acceptance of which would violate one's own commitments, the commitments of the person to whom the offer is being made, or the mores of the surrounding culture, especially such an offer with a sexual component that would interfere with a marriage or love relationship.

Comment: The term used to be used mostly in legal contexts, but its popular usage was both exhibited in and furthered by the movie, "Indecent Proposal" (1993).

See also improper proposal, proposal, proposition, sexual mores.

Quotation from Malcolm Muggeridge Illustrating "Indecent Proposal"


[Campaigning for electoral office is] Like making an indecent proposal -- I want your vote, I want your body; love me! vote for me!

From the autobiography: Chronicles of Wasted Time. Chronicle I: The Green Stick, [by] Malcolm Muggeridge (New York: William Morrow, 1973, c1972): chapter 2, p. 52.

indifference towards (somebody):

1. The state of having neither any partiality in favor of (a particular person) nor any antagonism towards (that person).

2. Lack of any passion whatsoever for (a person one once had passion for); achievement of equanimity with regard to (a former spouse or lover).

3. Quieted or dissipated hatred for (a person one once loved).

See also indifferent to (somebody), left-over desire, left-over love.

indifferent to (somebody):

Characterized by indifference towards (a person).

See also indifference towards (somebody).


1. A sexual or sexually related act or a sexual relationship or an admixture with sexuality that has become known, to one's embarrassment or shame or social or marital detriment.

2. An injudicious choice of a sex partner, since that choice would produce scandal if known in certain quarters.

3. A failure to take sufficient measures to keep an affair or sexual encounter from erupting into scandal.

4. A revelation of more than what is wise to reveal.

5. Placement of oneself in an embarrassing position.

Comment: Use of this term in the first and third senses sometimes conveys the impression that the person who committed the indiscretion is sorry about having been found out and about the consequences of having been found out, not necessarily about the offense itself.

The term is often used in the phrase, "a youthful indiscretion." That phrase is often used as an excuse, as in: "I was only fifty back then; it was just a youthful indiscretion"; meaning, "I'm more mature now (or past those hormonal urges at those levels of urgency) and wouldn't fall into such foolishness again." However, immaturity does not excuse all.

See also adultery, affair, folly, fornication, illicit relationship, inappropriate, intrigue, irregular connection, peccadillo, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, unwelcome admixture with sexuality.

x youthful indiscretion.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Indiscretion"

[Orman Shadbark Jr.] "Daddy committed an indiscretion shortly after he and Mama were married."

[Abigail Washburn] "You mean he had an affair?"

"I suppose you could call it that, but it was only with the maid. Anyway, the girl didn't have any family -- which wouldn't have been such a big deal, I suppose, except that she went and died on him." He laughed. "Well, not on him, exactly -- not literally, but during childbirth. You know what I mean."

[Abigail Washburn narrating] I got the picture all right. The Shadbarks didn't consider sleeping with the servants a sin, or even just plain unethical. It could, apparently, create inconvenient consequences.
From the mystery novel: Splendor in the Glass: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2002): chapter 13, p. 119.


indiscriminate sex:

1. Sexual promiscuity, especially sexual relations with people one would not want as long-term partners.

2. Sexual relations, especially mutliple sexual relations, characterized by a lack of concern about whom one is engaging in such activities with.

Comment: Thoughtless use of the term, especially in the second sense, often evokes the objection that of course one is discriminating in whom one sleeps with, one is hardly attracted to everyone, and, in fact, the more sexual partners one has had the more refined one's sense of discrimination becomes.

See also anonymous sex, brothel behavior, casual sex, coitus, copulation, free love, libertinism, loveless sex, one-night stand, promiscuity, recreational sex, serial philandering, sex, sexual communism, sexual intercourse, sexual varietism, slut, social media slut, stranger sex.


indissolubility doctrine:

The teaching in some religious schools of thought, particularly within some streams of Christianity, that a marriage or, at least, a church-sanctioned marriage or, at least, one between believers can never be legitimately terminated in this life, since it is joined by God, or that if it can be legitimately terminated, the termination can be only on the basis of porneia (q.v.). The Christian doctrine derives from the divorce sayings of Jesus, although Jesus was not directly speaking to the issue and the idea that he meant to teach indissolubility is highly controversial.

See also covenant marriage, divorce, marriage-is-forever myth, New Testament monogamy, "Once married, always married," "one flesh," privilegium Paulinum.


individual family:

Parents living in an exclusive marital relationship and their children.

Comment: In German: Sonderfamilie.

Attributed to Ernst Grosse, 1896.

Contrast great-family (q.v.). See also family, nuclear family, two-parent family.

x Kleinfamilie
x Sonderfamilie.


individualistic relationship:

See iRelationship.

individualistic sex:

See iSex.

individualistic world:

See iWorld.

individual marriage:

A socially recognized and permitted non-procreative sexual union of two persons, which is easily dissolvable whenever one or both wish to part. It can be the first step in a two-step marriage (q.v.).

Comment: Attributed to Margareet Mead, 1966.

See also companionate marriage, marriage, parental marriage, trial marriage.


Indo-European terms:

See coitus (kom + ei).

in-door sports:

1. Recreational activities conducted under shelter.

2. Swinging activities.

See also swinging.


1. Married and unavailable to become one's spouse.

2. Inappropriate to become one's spouse, due to law or custom; usually said of a person.

Contrast eligible (q.v.). See also incest, marital status, married.


In every woman, there's a whore trying to get out:

See Inside every woman, there's a whore trying to get out.

inevitability myth of jealousy:

The (presumably) false notion that everyone, unless extremely peculiar or in denial, has a strong tendency to jealousy (q.v.), especially when a beloved is hit on or is interested in or involved with another.

Comment: I have provided a name for the supposed myth, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy that might surround it (October 18, 2006).

The observation of those who identify this notion as a myth is that the intensity of, types of, and triggers for jealousy vary greatly from person to person and that some people have little proneness to it at all.

A popular theory is that traditional moral beliefs about sexual behavior are based on the assumption that everyone becomes jealous and that jealousy is best addressed not internally, but by minimizing external triggers.

See also jealousy-rules myth.

x myths.


inexperienced lover:

1. A person who is entering a sexual relationship who has not previously engaged in sexual activity or, if so, only in a limited way.

2. A person who has been sexually active for only a short time.

3. A person who has had only a small number of sex partners.

4. A person who has had little practice at sexual pleasuring.

5. A person whose love-making practices over time have been limited, who is yet unpracticed with regard to many types of sexual activities.

6. A person who has yet to go through many highs and lows and twists and turns in a love relationship.

See also cherry, demi-vierge, experienced lover, lover, sexual intelligence, sexually experienced, virgin.


Characterized by infatuation (q.v.).

See also assot, besotted, bitten by the love bug, captivated, carry a torch for, crazy about, Cyprian torch, dote, enamored, go gaga over, gone on, have the hots for, in love, in love with love, in lust, love-cracked, love-shaked, love-struck, madly in love, pussy-struck, smitten, sprung, stuck on, torchy, wildly in love with.



1. Strong sexual desire for a particular individual who is known at only a surface level, a desire that gives the illusion of being in love, an illusion which is dispelled, for instance, when confronted with reality (such as the individual's personality flaws) or a more attractive option.

2. The first stage of falling in love, when sexual attraction and emotional excitement are felt but before one is sufficiently prepared to assess, on the basis of knowledge of the one loved and actual fit, the prospects for a commitment of long-term loyalty.

3. Being in love at a youthful stage of life when one does not have the maturity to know well where to place one's permanent love loyalty or loyalties or when one is not in a position to actuate a permanent love bond.

4. In the triangular theory of love, love that is characteried by passion, but not or not yet either intimacy or commitment.

5. The person who serves as the object of any of the above.

Comment on sense 4: Qualitatively this sort of infatuation is no different from being in love as an adult, but the lack of social support and guidance for youthful bonds in an age of nuclear rather than extended families and of a long socially enforced wait between biological sexual maturation and marriage, typically a wait of many years, has created the need for a vocabulary of the temporary and experimental with respect to romantic love.

See also addicted to (someone), amour fou, calf love, chemistry, chemistry of love, crush, engouement, error of fancy, fancy, girl crush, hang the moon, heartthrob, hot love, into (someone), Laws of Lovers' Passion, limerence, love, love at first sight, love at first text message, love fever, love-passion, man crush, moon love, multiphilia, new relationship energy, one-itis, passion, passionate love, practice love, primo amore, proximity infatuation, puppy love, reunion crush, romantic love, secrets of the heart, sweet madness, triangular theory of love, workplace crush.

Quotation from Jane Austin Illustrating "Infatuation"


His [Sir Walter Elliot's] good looks and his rank had one fair claim on his attachment; since to them he must have owed a wife of very superior character to anything deserved by his own. Lady Elliot had been an excellent woman, sensible and amiable; whose judgement and conduct, if they might be pardoned the youthful infatuation which made her Lady Elliot, had never required indulgence afterwards.

From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 1, p. 10. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).


infertile couple:

Two people, generally a man and a woman who are in a long-term sexual relationship, such as a marriage, who cannot produce children together, unless they have medical assistance — and perhaps not even then.

See also childless couple, couple, sterility pledge.


Characterized by infidelity (q.v.).

Comment: Labeled an obsolete term in the Oxford English Dictionary.

See also fidelious, inconstant, infidous, loose, promiscuous, unfaithful, volage.



1. Being unfaithful to one's expressed relational commitment, for instance, a commitment to sexual exclusivity.

2. Violating an expectation of sexual exclusivity, for instance in a monogamy-only context.

3. Disloyalty.

4. Being at variance by word or by belief expressed in behavior with certain key teachings of an organized religion, especially if one has belonged to that religion.

See also abuse, action on the side, adultery, betrayal, bun, cheat, cheating curve, color of infidelity, cross the line, cyber-infidelity, digital lipstick on the collar, Eating ain't cheating, emotional infidelity, extra-pair copulation, feel betrayed, fidelity, frontiers of infidelity, inconstancy, lie about sex, lipstick on his collar, loose-wived, love trauma syndrome, monogamy-only, non-consensual adultery, overlapping, physical infidelity, relational commitment, run astray, secret-false, sexual exclusivity, sexual immorality, signs of infidelity, skirt-chaser, sperm wars, stray, techno-straying, textual infidelity, tip, two-time, unfaithful, unfaithfulness, work late, yard on.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Infidelity"


[Madame de Rosemonde to the Présidente de Tourvel] Do not be led to believe that the more or less numerous exceptions which may be cited against these universal rules can in any way disprove them. Public opinion is their guarantee, which in the case of men only will distinguish between infidelity and inconstancy. It is a distinction which men make use of when they ought to be humiliated by it; a distinction, which, among our sex, is never made except by those depraved women who are a disgrace to it. Any means will serve to spare them the painful consciousness of their degradation.

From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 130, pp. 311-313, specifically p. 312. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.


[The French reads] Et n'allez pas croire que des exceptions plus ou moins nombreuses, et qu'on peut citer, puissent s'opposer avec succès à ces vérités générales! Elles ont pour garant la voix publique, qui, pour les hommes seulement, a distingué l'infidélité de l'inconstance : distinction dont ils se prévalent, quand ils devraient en être huniliés; et qui, pour notre sexe, n'a jamais été adoptée que par ces femmes dépravées qui en sont la honte, et à qui tout moyen parâit bon, qu'elles espèrent pouvoir les sauver du sentiment pénible de leur bassesse.

From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 130, pp. 298-300, specifically p. 299. Infidélité = infidelity.

Quotation from Robin Baker Illustrating "Infidelity"


A woman has a lot to lose from her partner's infidelity. And many, though not all, of the dangers are the same as for a man. First, there is the risk that she will have to share his wealth, time, energy, and other resources with the other woman. Second, there is the danger that he will eventually leave her for the other woamn, reducing his support for her still further. Whichever of them takes care of the children, they face the dangers of single- or step-parenthood ... Third, there is the greater risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, because her partner is at greater risk. There is one risk, however, that does not affect her. Unlike a man, she is in no danger of being tricked into raising any children by her partner's lover. This means that, on balance, a partner's infidelity is slightly less of a threat to a woman than it is to a man.

From: Sperm Wars: The Science of Sex, [by] Robin Baker (New York, NY: Basic Books, c1996): p. 72.



Characterized by infidelity (q.v.).

Comment: Labeled an obsolete term in the Oxford English Dictionary.

See also fidelious, infidelious, loose, promiscuous, unfaithful.


infinite love in infinite combinations:


infinity heart:

See poly symbol.

in flagrante delicto (Latin):

1. "While the crime is blazing"; during the commission of an illegal act.

2. "While the scandalous conduct is blazing"; during the commission of an act deemed immoral or deemed a violation of a relationship agreement; especially, during the course of sexual activity between illicit lovers.

Comment: A rough equivalent in English for both senses is "red-handed."

Usually preceded by a verb such as "caught," "found," or "happened upon."

See also sex scandal, walk in on.

 x Latin terms.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "In Flagrante Delicto"

[Regina] "... that woman raced over to her lover's house -- they don't live together, you know -- and found him in flagrante delicto with Tweetie Timberlake..."
From the mystery novel: Nightmare in Shining Armor: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2001): chapter 24, p. 231.

informal marriage:

An exchange of marital vows in the absence of an ecclesiastical official, the marriage being completed by consummation (q.v.).

See also consensual marriage, ecclesiastical marriage, marriage.


informed consent:

With regard to relationships:

1. Agreement to engage in sexual activity only after being made cognizant of any heightened risk factors, such as the presence of a sexually transmitted infection, and how to manage those risk factors.

2. Agreement to become part of a love relationship or to proceed to its next stage only after being made cognizant in a fair and timely manner, if perhaps progressively, of any departure from the cultural norm in terms of expectations, for example, with regard to non-monogamy.

Comments: Many people regard informing a person of pertinent data prior to a potentially life-affecting decision to be an ethical obligation.

Regarding the second sense, timing is usually tricky, all the more so when the partners are not sure of what sort of relationship they are groping towards or when one partner feels it's time to change the terms of the relationship. Consequently, the term is most purely used when one person has a clear idea of what sort of relationship he or she wants and has recently met a potential partner.

See also consent to sex, reconstituted marriage, sexual ethics.

ingenium mulierum (Latin):

"The nature of a woman" or "the way a woman is disposed to be"; often an allusion to a couple of lines from the Roman playwright Terence (d. ca. 159 B.C.E.): Novi ingenium mulierum: | nolunt ubi velis, ubi nolis cupiunt ultro  = "I have been acquainted with a woman's disposition: | when you will, they won't; when you won't, they desire exceedingly" (Eunuchus = Eunuch, Act 4, scene 7, lines 42-43 = 814-815; the character Gnatho speaking; my translation).

Comment: Compare the line, Novi ego amantis ("I have been acquainted with loving [or lovers] "), which is from another of the plays of Terence, Heautontimorumenos = Self-Tormentor, Act 3, scene 3, line 9 = 570 (Chremes speaking; I'm following the text as found in The Loeb Classical Library).

For a sentiment similar to that reflected in the lines found in Eunuchus, compare this from Virgil (70-19 B.C.E.): Varium et mutabile semper | femina = "Ever fickle and alterable is | a female" or, to paraphrase, "Many a woman is constantly inconstant and changelessly changeable" (Aeneid 4:569-570; Mercury speaking in Aeneas' vision). Of course, the same can be said of many a man as well.

Note also the Latin proverb: Fugax, sequax; sequax, fugax ("Flying, following; following, flying"). In other words, "Follow the woman, she flees you; flee her, she follows you" (make the necessary changes to reverse the gender).

See also mulier, sexual desire, woman.

x "Fugax, sequax; sequax, fugax."
x Latin terms.
x "Novi ingenium mulierum."
x "Nolunt ubi velis, ubi nolis cupiunt ultro."

Quotation from Thomas Hardy Illustrating "Ingenium Mulierum"

The state of mind was, on the whole, a dangerous one for a young and inexperienced woman; and perhaps the circumstances which, more than any other, led her [Cytherea Graye] to cherish Edward's image now, was that he had taken no notice of the receipt of her letter, stating that she discarded him. It was plain then she said, that he did not care deeply for her, and she thereupon could not quite leave off caring deeply for him: --
                           'Ingenium mulierum,
Nolunt ubi velis, ubi nolis cupiunt ultro.'
From: Desperate Remedies: A Novel, by Thomas Hardy (New ed. London: Ward and Downey, 1889): chapter 9, §1, p. 137.


A catamite (q.v.).

See also active-passive split, gay male, gugusse, gunsel.


ingredients for a successful marriage:

See secret of a successful marriage.


in heat:

1. Of many a female mammal: experiencing estrus, that is, a periodic state immediately preceding ovulation when she is especially receptive to mating.

2. Of a human being, especially a woman: feeling a powerful urge to engage in sexual activity; highly aroused sexually.

See also animalistic, bream, clicket, eassin, have the hots for, hear with (one's) vagina, horny, hot, in lust, kate, lustful, lust high, need to get laid, randy, sexual desire, think with (one's) uterus, torchy, urge to merge.

x heat.

inhibited sexually:

See sexually inhibited.


See sexual inhibition.

inhlawulo (Zulu):

A fine paid by the genetic father to the family of a woman who has become pregnant out of wedlock.

See also out of wedlock.

x Zulu terms.

Quotation from Erin Conway-Smith Illustrating "Inhlawulo"


[Jacob] Zuma [President of South Africa] said he had “done the necessary cultural imperatives” to make amends for having a child out of wedlock, including the traditional payment of damages, known as "inhlawulo," to the Khoza family.

From the news article: "Zuma's Love Child Scandalizes South Africa: With Three Wives and a Fiancee, South Africa's President Apologizes for Illegitimate Child," by Erin Conway-Smith, GlobalPost, February 10, 2010, 7:52 Eastern Time. Click here.

in-house friend:

A person, perhaps a lover, with whom one shares a domicile.

See also cohabitant, cohabitee, co-vivant, de facto, domestic companion, domestic partner, friend, housemate, live-in boyfriend, live-in companion, live-in girlfriend, live-in lover, other terms than marriage, partner, PASSLQ, POSSLQ, room-mate, shack up, umfriend.



See abbreviations and acronyms.

initiate the bride:

1. To introduce a newly married woman to one or more key elements of her married life, especially to give her instruction in the arts of love.

2. To start a newly married woman on one or more key elements of her married life, especially sexual relations, in which case the subject of the verb is usually her spouse.

3. To have a woman engage in sexual activity with one or more persons other than or in addition to her spouse at or near the outset of her marriage, especially as a matter of ceremony, custom, or preferred practice.

4. To inaugurate a newly married woman into a life of unconventional sexual activity, especially at the spouse's behest or with the spouse's full knowledge.

See also art of love, bride, consummate, jus primae noctis.

initiate the groom:

1. To introduce a newly married man to one or more key elements of his married life, especially to give him instruction in the arts of love.

2. To start a newly married man on one or more key elements of his married life, especially sexual relations, in which case the subject of the verb is usually his spouse.

3. To have a man engage in sexual activity with one or more persons other than or in addition to his spouse at or near the outset of his marriage, especially as a matter of ceremony, custom, or preferred practice.

4. To inaugurate a newly married man into a life of unconventional sexual activity, especially at the spouse's behest or with the spouse's full knowledge.

See also art of love, consummate, groom.

injured lover's hell:

Jealousy, per John Milton (1608-1674), Paradise Lost, book 5, lines 449-450.

See also jealousy.

x hell.
x lover's hell.


1. A person who is related by marriage.

2. In the plural, "in-laws": The set of those who are related by marriage or some specific subset thereof, such as:

Comment: A collective term that has been suggested: imposition of in-laws.

See also affinity, cunhadismo, kinship, Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration, marry into the family, mekhuteneste, mekhutn, mekhutonim, new family, punalua, sitike, step-.

x collective terms.



1. A combining form tacked on to the end of kinship terms to indicate a relation by marriage. Thus brother-in-law, daughter-in-law, father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, son-in-law, etc.

2. Informally and by analogy with the first defintion, a combining form tacked on to the end of terms to indicate a person who has a relationship with a person parallel in some way to the relationship one has with the same person. Thus belly-in-law (as a translation of "bukis," q.v.), friend-in-law, f***-in-law (abbreviated FIL), husband-in-law, partner-in-law, sweetie-in-law, TOCOTOX-in-law, wife-in-law, etc.

Comment: A collective noun that has been suggested: mutter of mother-in-laws.

See also affinity, assistant, BIL, buksvåger, buksvägerska, DIL, ex-ex-in-law, FIL, husband-in-law, kinship, kalleh, levir, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, MIL, SIL, sin-in-law, SL, step-, wife-in-law, yavam, yebamah.

x brother-in-law.
x collective terms.
x daughter-in-law.
x father-in-law.
x mother-in-law.
x sister-in-law.
x son-in-law.


in limbo:

1. Resident in the supposed abode of those who are both dead and barred from heaven through no fault of their own.

2. In an in-between state.

3. In a state of suspension with regard to one's life, as in entrapment or captivity.

4. In a state of waiting, especially with uncertainty or indecision.

5. In a state of uncertain position, as one who is being neglected or who has been lost between the cracks in a system.

6. Out of one relationship and not yet ready to begin another, because in an emotionally intermediate state.

See also garage time, love withdrawal, post break-up funk, relationship obit.

x limbo.

in love:

1. The generally temporary "madness" that one feels in the early stages of being strongly attracted to a particular individual's personality and appearance, a "madness" which entails a wide array of emotions, such as the oft-described "walking on air." Being in love, in this sense, sometimes settles into a subsequent stage of love, namely a durable bond, with more stable emotions.

2. The romantic state in which one experiences the emotionally and sexually felt desire to grow closer to and to bond with or to stay bonded to a particular individual, a bond that, once preliminary stages are past, would include both mutual loyalty and sexual union wherein each helps to fulfill the other's sexual needs and desires on an ongoing basis.

3. Either of the above felt mutually, each person for the other.

Comments on the second sense: In the minds of some, being in love is considered an exclusive emotion; in other words, some think that for the emotion to be true and full it must be oriented to a single person, for how else might one feel adequacy in mating, how else can the common need to explore the depths of intimacy (q.v.) be fulfilled, and how can there be the same kind of loyalty to more than one without creating conflict? (See zero-sum view of love.) In the minds of others, being truly and fully in love is not an exclusive emotion, for love is comparable neither to an indivisible lump sum nor to a quantity that is divisible only into smaller portions; besides, intimacy and loyalty issues can be worked out, and adequacy in mating should be a matter of self-fulfillment and mutual respect for individual autonomy whether in the context of monogamy (q.v.) or non-monogamy (q.v.). (See abundant love principle.)

It is sometimes said that being in love inevitably entails an illusion of the one loved, but this comment is countered by the idea that the lover sees an ideal of the one loved, especially when the flaws are also seen and accepted as part of what one would live with.

Having come to know, accept, and bond with a person while in love, there is a strong natural resistance to the breaking of the bond. There are, however, many potential bond-breakers, such as:

Whether the bond is intact or not, one may yet be in love with that person, or one may have fallen out of love.

Falling out of love is not to be confused with ceasing to feel the emotionally and sexually felt desire to stay bonded, for that desire may be submerged below the surface of consciousness waiting to be brought out again. Nor is falling out of love to be confused with the downside of fluctuations in emotional intensity, since, to reiterate, the love emotion is not wholly visible to one's consciousness, but has deeper roots which may be either thriving or shriveling despite a lack of intensity of feeling.

Nevertheless, as strong, transcendent, and everlasting as the love emotion often feels, people do fall out of love. They may exchange the emotion for another kind of love (see under "love") or for hatred or for indifference; or they may redirect the emotion to another person; or they may process it through grief, hopefully achieving equanimity.

It is also possible for the love emotion simply to shrivel over time, as memory fades or as quotidian life dulls the set of love emotions or as various resentments encrust them or simply as people grow apart. Human love emotions are not always as enduring as we sometimes idealize them as being.

Yet a person might remain in love with another for a lifetime, even when reality factors prevent bonds or the continuance of bonds.

Common constructions include "deep in love" and "fall in love."

See also addicted to (someone), admiration, amor mixtus, amorous, amor purus, -amory, amour-passion, anagapesis, androgynophilia, androphilia, Aphrodite's girdle, ardor, Armida's girdle, assot, belong to, besotted, bitten by the love bug, blinded by love, blindness of love, bond, broken heart, captivated, carry a torch for, chemistry, chemistry of love, choice of one's heart, conquest, countertransference, courtly love, crazy about, crush, crystallization, Cupid's golden arrow, Cupid's torch, Cyprian torch, die with love, dote, doughy-nosed, emotional infidelity, enamored, enchanted, extramarital love affair, fall in love, fall out of love, feeling for, flame, fond of, girdle of Venus, gone on, gynophilia, have a thing for, have eyes for, have hot pants for (somebody), head over heels in love, heart, heart-slayer, hot love, imaginative split triangle, incandescence, in danger, infatuated, in love at second hand, in love with love, in lust, Laws of Lovers' Passion, like, limerence, limerent, love, love affair, love blindness, love-cracked, love-ends-interest-in-others myth, love interest, love more than one person at a time, love-passion, love remembered, love-shaked, love (somebody) but not be in love with (him or her), love-struck, madly in love, mashed on, mashy, moscabis, multiphilia, (my) heart beats for (you), new relationship energy, old flame, out-of marraige love affair, pair-bonding, partial to, partner in love, passion, passionate love, philophobia, pine for, polyamory, raked fore and aft, romance, romantic interest, romantic love, see-saw affair, shine, smitten, spoon, sprung, stuck on, sweet madness, sweet on, torchy, transference, undeclared love, union of hearts, unrequited love, violently in love, wildly in love with.

x deep in love.

Quotation from Charles Dickens Illustrating "In Love"


Mystery and disappointment are not absolutely indispensable to the growth of love, but they are, very often, its powerful auxiliaries. "Out of sight, out of mind," is well enough as a proverb applicable to cases of friendship, though absence is not always necessary to hollowness of heart, even between friends, and truth and honesty, like precious stones, are perhaps most easily imitated at a distance, when the counterfeits often pass for real. Love, however, is very materially assisted by a warm and active imagination, which has a long memory, and will thrive for a considerable time on very slight and sparing food. Thus it is, that it often attains its most luxuriant growth in separation and under circumstances of the utmost difficulty; and thus it was, that Nicholas, thinking of nothing but the unknown young lady, from day to day and from hour to hour, began, at last, to think that he was very desperately in love with her, and that never was such an ill-used and persecuted lover as he.

From the novel: Nicholas Nickleby: A Facsimile Edition of the 1938 Nonesuch Dickens, [by] Charles Dickens ([New York]: Barnes & Noble, 2005): chapter 40, p. 523. Originally published under title: The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby ... (London: Chapman & Hall, 1839). The Nonesuch Dickens was originally published, Bloomsbury: Nonesuch Press, 1938.

Quotation from Hilda Doolittle Illustrating "In Love"


We must be "in love" before we can understand the mysteries of vision.

From: Notes on Thought and Vision & The Wise Sappho, by H.D. (San Francisco: City Lights Books, 1982): p. 22. Written in 1919 and published posthumously.

Quotation from Charles Williams Illustrating "In Love"


To be in love must be followed by the will to be love; to be love to the beloved, to be love to all, to be in fact (as the Divine Thing said) perfect.

From the theological work: He Came Down From Heaven, [by] Charles Williams (Grand Rapids, Mich.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984): chapter 5, "The Theology of Romantic Love," p. 112. Originally published: London: William Heinemann, 1938; in series: I believe; no. 5.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "In Love"


[Louise Amberley] I don't think I was in love, but I would be once we had gone to bed together. Or if the emotion I would then feel wasn't love, it would be an extraordinarily belonging, possessive feeling that was really the same thing.

From the novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 2, p. 28.

Quotation from the Leon S. Roudiez Translation of Julia Kristeva Illustrating "In Love"


I remember a discussion among several jeunes filles, of which I was one... We were trying to decide if, when speaking of love, we spoke of the same thing. And of what thing? When we said we were in love, did we reveal to our lovers the true purport of our passions? We weren't sure; for when they in turn declared themselves | in love with us we were never sure what that meant exactly, to them.

From: Tales of Love, [by] Julia Kristeva; translated by Leon Roudiez (New York: Columbia University Press, c1987): pp. 2-3.

In the Original French, Illustrating "Amoureuses"

Je me souviens d'une discussion entre plusieurs jeunes filles, dont je faisais partie... Il s'agissait de savoir si, parlant d'amour, nous parlions de la même chose. Et de quelle chose? Nous disant amoureuses, révélions-nous à nos amoureux la véritable teneur de nos passions? Pas sûr; car, lorsqu'ils se déclaraient à leur tour amoureux de nous, nous n'étions jamais certaines de ce que cela signifiait exactement, pour eux.
From: Histoires d'amour, [par] Julia Kristeva (Paris: Denoël, c1983): p. 10.


in love at second hand:

Feeling the emotions of being in love for a person , such as a model or movie star, who is known only or principally through a persona or image.

See also amour de loin, in love.


in love with love:

Intensely desirous of or intoxicated with the emotions and other vagaries associated with infatuation or romance.

Comment: This phenomenon is often distinguished from and sometimes sorted out from being in love with a particular person. In fact, sometimes it exists even to the exclusion of truly being in love with a particular person.

See also infatuated, in love, NRE junky, romance.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "In Love With Love"

She [Kate Leslie] was no longer in love with love. She no longer yearned for the love of a man, or the love even of her children. Joachim [her husband] had gone into eternity in death, and she had crossed with him into a certain eternity in life. There, the yearning for | companionship and sympathy and human love had left her. Something infinitely intangible but infinitely blessed took its place: a peace that passes understanding.

From the novel: The Plumed Serpent (Quetzalcoatl), by D. H. Lawrence (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1926): chapter 3, pp. 54-55.


in lust:

Feeling strong sexual attraction to a person over a period of time without serious love, although there may be an illusion of serious love.

Comment: The term is constructed on analogy with "in love" (q.v.); and being in lust is often constrasted with being in love, for some values of being in love.

See also crush, gone on, have a thing for, have eyes for, have the hots for, infatuated, in heat, in love, love-passion, lust, lustful, multiphilia, one-itis, sprung, torchy.


inner beauty:

A person's appeal insofar as it emanates from his or her personality, developed traits, and talents worthy of appreciation and as evidenced by accomplishments; the attractiveness of a person's worth as an individual.

Comments: Among elements of personality that contribute to inner beauty, élan, creativity, good-naturedness, and a sense of humor are widely recognized. Among developed traits that contribute to inner beauty, learning, courtesy, graciousness, and various virtues, such as compassion, courage, integrity, and readiness to take responsibility, are widely recognized; although different virtues are emphasized by different cultures, and people with different ethical beliefs may have different takes. For instance, one person may hold that "a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste" (to quote the charater Ouiser Boudreaux in the movie "Steel Magnolias," 1989); while another may hold that chastity is an essential ingredient of inner beauty.

Among traits that negate or detract from inner beauty, a cruel nature, coarseness, a holier-than-thou attitude, hypocrisy, and congenital dishonesty are almost universally recognized. Bigotry would make many lists, but might be less universally recognized. Furthermore, psychological disorders, like depression, are often seen as dampening inner beauty -- whatever one may think of the justness of that.

Inner beauty has a large relational component. It is nurtured in a context of family relationships and friendships; and it is often drawn out, enhanced, and aesthetically complemented in love relationships.

Whereas outer beauty is said to be fleeting, inner beauty is generally lasting (unless destroyed, for instance, by bitterness or by addiction), it is capable of both growing and fructifying over the entire coarse of a lifetime, and it is capable of contributing to the ongoing strengthening of a relationship even (maybe especially) in the wake of rough spots; hence the common advice to choose a mate with inner beauty.

See also attractiveness, human beauty, loveworthy, mate selection, outer beauty.

x beauty.

inner slut:

One's craving to indulge oneself and one's partner(s) sexually; one's desire to act out one's sexual fantasies, especially those of an extraordinary or unconventional sort.

See also libido, sex drive, sexual desire, sexuality, slut.

Quotation from Maureen Dowd Illustrating "Inner Slut"


Before it curdled into a collection of stereotypes, feminism had fleetingly held out a promise that there would be some | precincts of womanly life that were not all about men. But it never quite materialized.

It took only a few decades to create a brazen new world where the highest ideal is to acknowledge your inner slut. I am woman, see me strip. Instead of peaceful havens of girl things and boy things, we have a society where women of all ages are striving to become self-actualized sex kittens.

From: Are Men Necessary? When Sexes Collide, [by] Maureen Dowd (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, c2005): pp. 175-176. Dowd is playing off the lyrics of "I am Woman," written by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton and released in 1972.

innocent in the ways of love:

Inexperienced, unknowledgable, without guile, and insufficiently suspecting guile when it comes to romantic and sexual matters; ignorant with regard to sexual agendas, wooing, seduction, sex play, and relationship dynamics; romantically and sexually naïve.

Comment: Variations abound, for instance: "innocent in the ways of men (or of women, or of seduction, or of carnal lust, or of the sexual world)." Compare the phrase, "innocent in the ways of the world (or of humankind or of politics)."

See also calf love, first love, love, puppy love.


1. A meaning, often a criticism, not stated directly but instead subtly implied; an insinuation, especially one of a derogatory nature.

2. An oblique reference to something, often something erotic, by naming something else.

3. A use of an oblique reference to erotic matters as a way of flirtation or even sexual invitation.

See also flirtation, sexual invitation, "Show me yours."

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Innuendo"

[Abigail Timberlake, the narrator, to Reginald Perry about a Van Gogh painting] "You ready to go back to the guest bedroom and see my masterpiece?" I asked brightly.

There was absolutely no innuendo intended. Nonetheless, both Rob-Bobs gasped, and Bob put a warning finger to his lips.
From the mystery novel: Estate of Mind: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 1999; with imprint: Avon Twilight): chapter 21, p. 202.

inoculated for marriage:

Characterized by loss of any desire to marry due to experience, for instance, due to observation of one's parents' relationship, due to losing someone whom one loved intensely, due to a narrow escape from a bad match, or due to life with a former spouse.

Comment: Sometimes expressed as "inoculated against marriage." Note the curious paradox: Here "for" and "against" mean the same thing.

See also marriage.

Quotation from Samuel Butler Illustrating "Inoculated for Marriage"


I do not think Ernest himself was much more pleased at finding that he had never been married than I was. To him, however, the shock of pleasure was positively numbing in its intensity. As he felt his burden removed, he reeled for the unaccustomed lightness of his movements; his position was so shattered that his identity seemed to have been shattered also; he was as one waking up from a horrible nightmare to find himself safe and sound in bed, but who can hardly even yet believe that the room is not full of armed men who are about to spring upon him.

"And it is I," he said, "who not an hour ago complained that I was without hope. It is I, who for weeks have been railing at fortune, and saying that though she smiled on others she never smiled at me. Why, never was anyone half so fortunate as I am."

"Yes," said I, "you have been inoculated for marriage, and have recovered."

"And yet," he said, "I was very fond of her till she took to drinking."

From the novel: The Way of All Flesh, by Samuel Butler; with an introduction by William Lyon Phelps (New York: E. P. Dutton, 1917, c1916): chapter 77, p. 385. Originally published, London: Grant Richards, 1903.

in (one's) life:

1. Involved in or part of one's personal history or in some or all of the remainder of one's persoanl existence.

2. Sharing the intimacies of one's day-to-day existence, especially as a friend or partner.

See also close, friend, intimacy, partner, together.

Quotation from Armistead Maupin Illustrating "In My Life"


[D'orothea Wilson to Brian Hawkins about Mona Ramsey] "... and my lover accepted a job in San Francisco. We corresponded some after that, never completely losing touch, and I just kept on ... making money."

She sipped her Dubonnet and looked at him for the first time. "Now I'm back home, Brian, and all I want is to have this person back in my life again. But that's completely up to ..."

From the novel: Tales of the City, [by] Armistead Maupin (New York: Harper & Row, 1978; "Perennial Library"; in: Tales of the City Series; v. 1): p. 225. The elisions are Maupin's, except that the first also functions to indicate omission, on my part, of speech within quotation marks.


In order to earn credit in heaven:

See "To earn credit in heaven, make a pass at an ugly woman."

insanus amor et ebrietas et avaritia (Latin terms):

See "wine, women, and wealth."


See artificial insemination, natural insemination, natural insemination by donor.


1. Unable to be torn apart.

2. Strongly drawn to or emotionally linked to each other so as to be seldom voluntarily apart.

Comment: In the second sense, often said of friends or lovers.

See also addicted to (someone), attached, batty an bench, bond, draw to, gravitate towards one another.

Quotation from Armistead Maupin Illustrating "Inseparable"


[Polly] "... Kara met this girl called Weegie last month and they've been inseparable ever since."

From the novel: Significant Others, [by] Armistead Maupin (New York: Harper & Row, 1987; "Perennial Library"; Tales of the City Series; v. 5)): p. 29.


Inside every woman, there's a whore trying to get out:

A saying to the effect either:

Comments: Patterned after this remark by Cyril Connolly (1903-1974): "Imprisoned in every fat man, a thin one is wildly signaling to be let out."

The pattern of the quotation from Connolly morphed into the stock jocular construction, "Inside every [fill in the blank], there's a [fill in the blank] trying to get out."

Among the many variations of "Inside every woman ...":

Many a person would take issue with the saying and many a woman offense, unless the saying is used deftly, for instance, in a context of good humor.

Obviously the saying can be easily adapted to men: "Inside every man, there's a whore trying to get out." However, that adaptation is apparently rare; and that rareness may be because the assumption of people who think along such lines follows the title of a play by David Mamet, All Men are Whores (1977).  Of course the same has sometimes been said of women, that all women are whores. But men, unless in a religious vocation, are seldom represented as having internal conflict on matters of sex, as having a drive that isn't already out on the surface, even though internal conflict is common and experienced by members of both sexes. In other words, it can be argued that the imbalance in the use of the saying "Inside every woman [etc.]," at least when the saying is meant to be pejorative, weighs more against men than against women.


For the Connolly quotation, see: The Unquiet Grave: A Word Cycle, by Paulinurus [pseudonym of Cyril Connolly] (London: Horizon, 1944): p. 58. <Not examined>

See also dry stick, lesbian, Men are pigs, playgirl, Sherfey syndrome, virgin, whore, woman.

x Imprisoned in every woman, there's a whore trying to get out.
x In every woman, there's a whore trying to get out.
x Within every woman, there's a whore trying to get out.

insignificant other:

1. A person with whom one has a short-term or off-and-on love affair.

2. A brief rebound relationship, lacking in commitment and characterized by casual or indifferent sexual activity.

Source: There's a Word for It! A Grandiloquent Guide to Life, [by] Charles Harrington Elster (New York, NY: Scribner, c1996): p. 68.

See also amourette, casual relationship, casual sex, comet, dalliance, fling, flirtation, liaison, once-in-a-while lover, partner, part-time lover, rebound relationship, short-term relationship, significant other, stand-by man, stand-by woman, tertiary partner.


InSix (Robert H. Rimmer, 1966):

A group love relationship with six partners.

Comment: In The Harrad Experiment, by Robert H. Rimmer (1966), InSix was a proper name for a particular group comprised of three females and three males. However, the term has been appropriated by some for more general use.

See also group love relationship, hexad, letter group (E, H, xi, pi), pentamory, sextet.


instant family:

1. A family (q.v.) acquired either by marrying into it or by being adopted into it or by a sudden acquaintance with or acceptance by those who view one as a member of the family; a set of relatives gained all at once.

2. Often more especially:

See also bonus family, new family, nuclear family, single-parent family, stepfamily.

instant messaging:

The art, practice, or act of chatting in real time, in large part by way of typed words, through an online service designed for the purpose. Generally such services provide the means for members with common interests to find each other.

Comment: The term is included in this Glossary because instant messaging has become a major means of people with romantic or sexual interests finding and communicating with each other. Furthermore, it has raised a host of moral questions bearing on relationships.

See also chatroom relationship, cyberlove, cyber relationship, cybersex, dating buddy, dating plan, digital lipstick on the collar, discourse of desire, e-romance, erotographomania, flirtexting, iSex, long-distance relationship, love at first text message, online relationship, online virginity, sexting, sexual correspondence, social media slut, techno-straying, text messaging relationship, textual harassment, toothing, virtual community, "What are you wearing?"


institutional family:

A family governed by societal conventions; a family in which behavior is oriented to the fulfillment of traditional expectations with regard to roles and norms and which is largely about providing the wherewithal internally for such fulfillment.

Contrast companionship family (q.v.) and romantic family (q.v.). See also family.


institutionalized marriage:

A way of marriage that is subject to the rules and procedures laid out by one or more social institutions that concern themselves with marriage, such as the church and the state.

See also ceremonial marriage, family values, institution of marriage, legally married, marriage, off-the-rack marriage.


institution of marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) or a way of marriage considered as a socially important cultural pattern that has been established by God, custom, a founder, or the state.

See also institutionalized marriage, marriage tie.


intellectual pimp:

In ladder theory, a woman who turns a man into an intellectual whore.

See also intellectual whore, ladder theory, pimp for, sapiosexual.

intellectual whore:

1. A well-read person who is also promiscuous.

2. A creative person who sells out, that is, who places his or her mental abilities in the service of bringing in money instead of remaining true to a creative vision.

3. In ladder theory, a man to whom a woman relates platonically without any sexual interest: she wants him merely for his mental qualities or his sensitivity.

Comments: Supposedly a take-off on the title of Woody Allen's short story, "The Whore of Mensa."


"The Whore of Mensa," in: Without Feathers, [by] Woody Allen (New York : Random House, [1975]): story 6. Originally appeared in The New Yorker, December 16, 1974, p. 37. <Neither examined in hard copy>

See also cuddle bitch, friend zone, intellectual pimp, just friends, ladder theory, platonic relationship, promiscuous, sapiosexual, slut, whore.


See mating intelligence, relational intelligence, sexual intelligence.


1. A fiancé or fiancée.

2. A person one had better have as a mate if one is to have a happy relationship or to have a fulfilling destiny; a person God wants one to have as a marital partner.

Comment: Sometimes used adjectivally, as in "intended husband" and "intended wife."

See also betrothed, fiancé, fiancée, husband, made for each other, match made in heaven, soul mate, spiritual husband, spiritual wife, wife.

intentional family:

A household with a nucleus of three or more adults who have chosen to be in a committed love relationship together.

See also cellular family, expanded family, family of choice, multimate relationship, non-monogamy, polyfamily.



One's objective with respect to one's interest in a person, whether marriage or something else, such as merely a dalliance.

Comment: Traditionally, intentions were considered honorable if marriage or, at least, exploration as to marriage was the objective and if exploitation by means of marriage was not the motive.

See also courtship.



1. To mate and especially to produce offspring, said of members of different groups, especially groups with different physical characteristics.

2. To bring about such mating and reproduction.

See also breed, intermarriage, interracial sex.



See sexual intercourse, textual intercourse.

interested in friendship:

1. Desirous of finding somebody with whom to find mutual enjoyment in each other's company.

2. Swingers' parlance (or code), as in a personal ad, to indicate that one is seeking a swinging relationship that encompasses not only recreational sex but also mutual affection.

Contrast meet for pleasure (q.v.). See also check, friendship, personal ad, swinging.

interested in sex:

1. Having an intellectual curiosity about sex (q.v.); a desire to study the physical, mental, relational, social, and/or historical aspects of physically intimate relations.

2. Having a frequently occurring desire to participate in physically intimate relations with one or more persons of a complementary sexual orientation.

3. Having a desire to participate in physically intimate relations with the person or persons either implied or specified.

See also amative, amatory, amorous, horny, lustful, passionate, randy, sex on the brain, sexual desire, think with (one's) penis, think with (one's) uterus.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Interested in Sex"

[Abigail Timberlake] "Is Ed having an affair?" ....

[Wynnell] "What? Abby, that's a hoot. Ed's no longer interested in sex. Hasn't been for years."
From the mystery novel: A Penny Urned: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York: Avon Books, 2000): chapter 20, p. 211. Italics hers.

interest in (somebody):

Desire to explore the possibility of mating with a particular person, whether temporarily or permanently; attraction to a particular person.

See also attraction, check, check (somebody) out, ogle, sexual acting out, sexual desire, turn (somebody) on, want.

x sexual interest.

Quotation from Evelyn Waugh Illustrating "Interest in Each Other"


[Regarding Beaver and Espinosa] Their interest in each other had so far outdistanced their knowledge that there was a great deal to say.

From the novel: A Handful of Dust, by Evelyn Waugh (New York: Farrar & Rinehart, 1934): chapter 2, §3. <Check hard copy>

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Interested In"

[Bob Steuben] "What [message]? That you're playing hard to get? Abby, methinks you flatter yourself. Not every handsome man that comes along has the hots for you. Could it be that you have the hots for him [Sergeant Scrubb]?"

[Abigail Washburn narrating] There are times when I can feel myself blush. This was one of them.

"Bob, you know that I wouldn't be interested in anyone except for my own, dear hubby."
From the mystery novel: Splendor in the Glass: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2002): chapter 6, p. 43.

interethnic marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different cultures or subcultures.

See also beloved stranger, biracial couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, fusion wedding, interfaith marriage, intermarriage, international marriage, interracial couple, interracial marriage, interreligious marriage, intersectarian marriage, married contrary to discipline, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outmarriage, population race, racial commingling, white wife, xenosexuality.


interfacial couple:

Two people in a marriage or love relationship with a great dsparity in looks, one being considered handsome and the other much less so or even ugly.

Comment: Coined by me, June 23, 2009, on analogy with "interfacial marriage."

See also Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, couple, face mate, heterogamy, interfacial marriage.

interfacial marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which one partner is considered much more attractive than the other.

Comment: Coined by Belinda Luscombe in 2007?

See also Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, face mate, heterogamy, interfacial couple, married all over.


interfaith marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different religions.

See also beloved stranger, convert, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interpretative adultery, interreligious marriage, intersectarian marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, population race, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritual incest, "unequally yoked."


intergenerational relationship:

A relationship (q.v.), especially a love relationship (q.v.)., in which one partner is old enough to be the other's parent.

See also age-gap relationship, alphamegamia, anilojuvenogamy, anisonogamia, antiquing, biddy fiddler, campsite rule, cougar relationship, cradle-robber, cradle-snatcher, daddy/boy relationship, dysonogamia, gerbil, gerontogamy, gerontophilia, Lolita, May-December relationship, May-December romance, old-stuff syndrome, opsigamy, rob the cradle, spring-autumn romance, sugar baby, sugar daddy, unnatural, young-stuff syndrome.


interlofted couple:

Two people in a marriage or love relationship with a great disparity in height, one being considerably shorter than the other or, to put it the other way, one being considerably taller than the other.

Comment: Coined by me, June 23, 2009, on analogy with "interfacial marriage."

See also couple, heterogamy, short/tall couple.


1. Involving two or more distinct marriages, marriage to marriage.

2. Involving people of more than one marriage with each other, especially with the knowledge of their partners.

See also comarital, extramarital, interelational, intramarital, marital, nonmarital, postmarital, premarital.


intermarital sex:

Sexual relations between people of more than one marriage, especially when it is with the knowledge and consent of the marital partners.

See also cluster marriage, consensual adultery, corporate marriage, extramarital sex, four-cornered marriage, good match, husband swapping, key club, mate swapping, partner sharing, polyamory, sanctioned adultery, sex, spouse exchange, swap club, swing club, swinging, switch club, synergamy, wife exchange, wife swapping.



1. Marriage (q.v.) between people of different groups that have pronounced differences, for instance, different ethnic or religious groups.

2. Marriage between families, that is, of individuals from those families.

See also amixia, beloved stranger, biracial couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, cross-class romance, exogamy, fusion wedding, interbreed, interethnic marriage, international marriage, interracial couple, interracial marriage, interreligious marriage, intersectarian marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outbreeding, population race, racial commingling, Sixth Commandment of the Church, "unequally yoked," white wife, xenosexuality.



See gentleman's intermission, lady's intermission.


An institution where individuals of the same sex live together in the same building for a considerable time and which can thereby serve as an attraction venue for gays, examples being convents, asylums, prisons, and schools with all-male or all-female dormitories.

Comment: Attributed to August Forel (1905).

See also attraction venue, gay bar.


international couple:

Two people who are married to or in a love relationship with each other, each of whom is or was a citizen of a different country.

Comment: The adjective "international" may be understood to be yet more pregnant with meaning if the two live in yet another country or frequently cross borders.

See also couple, international love, international marriage, international spouse, xenosexuality.

international love:

1. Romantic attachment between citizens of different countries.

2. Euphemism for sexual relations between individuals from different countries, for instance, between athletes representing different countries at the Olympics.

See also international couple, love, romance, xenosexuality.

international marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) between citizens of different countries.

See also green-card marriage, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, international couple, international spouse, xenosexuality.


international spouse:

1. A husband or wife who is a citizen of a different country from that of his or her marital partner.

2. The foreign husband or wife of a student, especially of a foreign student. In general usage, the focus is often upon such a husband or wife who is domiciled at or near the institution where the student is studying.

See also international couple, international marriage, spouse.


Internet affair:

A romantic and/or erotic relationship enabled by and conducted via the now global communication network for computers known as the Internet.

Comment: In some usage, the term carries the overtones of an illicit relationship.

See also affair, cyber-affair, cyber-relationship, cyberromance, cybersex, e-romance, illicit relationship, Internet romance, iSex, online affair, online relationship, romance, sexting, social media slut, techno-straying, text messaging relationship, textual infidelity, textual intercourse, virtual affair.


Internet romance:

A love relationship enabled by and conducted via the now global communication network for computers known as the Internet.

See also chatroom relationship, cyber-affair, cyber-relationship, cyberromance, dating sim, e-romance, flirtext, Internet affair, love at first text message, online affair, online relationship, romance, text messaging relationship, virtual affair.

interoffice romance:

1. A love relationship between co-workers assigned to different rooms at a place where business is conducted.

2. The budding and development of such a relationship.

See also fraternization, love contract, non-fraternization policy, office dating, office love affair, office romance, romance, sleep (one's) way to the top, serial office dating, whore (one's) way to the top, workplace crush, workplace romance.


interpersonal enhancement architecture:

The design of buildings and other spaces in such a way as to foster healthy human relationships.

Comment: I coined the phrase in 2006, but, of course, none of the words.

See also abode effect, family-shaped architecture, feng shui love, household architecture, relationship ecology.


interpersonal swinger:

A swinger (q.v.) who prefers to get to know and to like people before having sex with them; a person who prefers to feel an emotional bond with those with whom he or she engages in swinging practices.

See also soft swinging.


interpretative adultery:

A marriage fitting a type disapproved by one religionist or another, or the type of marriage itself -- for example, perhaps interfaith marriage -- insofar as the disapproval is only inferred from and not explicitly stated in the scriptures of a religion of the book.

See also adultery, interfaith marriage.


interracial couple:

Two people, each with a different set of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings, in a dyadic love relationship or marriage together.

Comment: Although race as a social construction is worthy of study, the idea of race as a neat way of dividing humankind is faulty, for human beings are on a continuum of differences.

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, creolism, dyad, Eurasian couple, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interracial marriage, interracial sex, miscegenation, mixed marriage, mudshark, racial commingling, sarong party girl, white man's hansom woman, white wife.


interracial marriage:

1. In general: Marital unions between people with different sets of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings.

2. In a particular circumstance: A marital union between specific individuals with different sets of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings.

Comment: Although race as a social construction is worthy of study, the idea of race as a neat way of dividing humankind is faulty, for human beings are on a continuum of differences.

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, country marriage, couple of mixed ethnicity, creolism, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interracial couple, interracial sex, Jim Crow bed law, letter group (I), marriage, miscegenation, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outmarriage, Pinkerton syndrome, population race, racial commingling, whitening by marriage, white wife.


interracial sex:

1. In general: Sexual activity between people with different sets of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings.

2. In a particular circumstance: Sexual activity between specific individuals with different sets of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings.

Comments: A variety of terms have arisen for the offspring of interracial sex, for instance: blue skin, bois brûlé, cablinasian, cabloco, chiney ryal (a Jamaican term), chocoblanca, dingey Christian, half-breed, half-caste child, mestizo, métis, métisse, mixed blood, mixed breed, mixed race baby, miscegenated, mixed race child, mongrel, quadroon, octoroon, Oreo, racially mixed, ryal (a Jamaican term), and having the "wrong" sort of blood; also mulatto, which is sometimes subdivided, for instance, dark, high, bright, and very bright mulatto. (Should "Bristol man" be included in this list?) Then there is the one-drop rule, whereby any black African ancestry supposedly makes one black and not a "blue blood."

Note well, however, that, although race as a social construction is worthy of study, the idea of race as a neat way of dividing humankind is faulty, for human beings are on a continuum of differences. This means that the terms "race" and so also "half-breed," etc. have reference much more to social than biological distinction. "Half-breed" and similar terms are often filled with unfair opprobrium when used or may even indicate a deprivation of legal status.

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, breeding party, coitus, copulation, creolism, hotwife, interbreed, interracial couple, interracial marriage, kokujo, Mandingo Party, miscegenation, mudshark, new cuckolding, "Once you go black, you never go back," outbreeding, queen of spades, racial commingling, sex, sexual intercourse.

x Jamaican terms.


1. Pertaining to communication and other dynamics between persons as persons, particularly persons who are in some sort of relationship together.

2. Involving two or more distinct relationships, relationship to relationship.

3. Involving people of more than one love relationship with each other, especially with the knowledge of their partners in love.

See also correlational, extra-relational, intermarital, interrelational, intra-relational, multirelational, non-relational, post-relational, pre-relational, relational.


interreligious marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different religions or sects, especially those with significantly different beliefs or with a history of hostility between them.

See also beloved stranger, convert, interethnic marriage, interfaith marriage, intermarriage, intersectarian marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, population race, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritul incest, "unequally yoked."


intersectarian marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between individuals of the same religion but different sects within that religion, for example, of a Baptist to a Presbyterian.

See also beloved stranger, convert, interethnic marriage, interfaith marriage, intermarriage, interreligious marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, population race, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritul incest, "unequally yoked."

interspacial relationship:

A relationship (q.v.), especially a love relationship, between a little person and a person of more typical or larger size.

See also flea couple, little couple, love relationship, mixed-height couple, mixed relationship.


in the closet:

See closeted.


"In the dark all cats are grey":

A proverb, to the effect that superficialities, such as skin color or maturity of age or measure of beauty, are unimportant, for instance when it comes to quenching desire; in that way the proverb is often used to mean much the same as "All women are the same in the dark" in one of that proverb's senses, except that this one can be applied just as easily to men.

Comments: One of the earliest forms of the proverb in English is this: "When all candels be out, all cats be grey." The form used here for the entry is that used by Benjamin Franklin in a letter of June 25, 1745. Among the many variations:

The proverb has currency in other languages besides English, for example:

See also "All women are the same in the dark," "Don't look at the mantelpiece when you are stoking the fire," men are all the same, "There are other fish in the sea," women are all the same.

x "After midnight all cats are gray."
x "By night all cats are gray."
x cats.
x dark.
x gray.
x gray.
x "In the night all cats are gray."
x "When all candels be out, all cats be grey."

Quotation from John Heywood Illustrating "When All Candels Be Out, All Cats Be Grey"


When all candels be out, all cats be grey,
All thingis are then of one colour, as who sey.
And this proverbe saith, for quenching hot desyre,
Foule water as soone as fayre, will quenche hot fyre.

For "When all candels be out, all cats be grey," see John Heywood, The Proverbs and Epigrams of John Heywood (A.D. 1562) ([S.l.]: Printed for the Spenser Society, 1867; in series: Publications of the Spenser Society; issue no. 1): oart 1, chapter 6 [i..e 5], p. 10. "Reprinted from the original (1562) edition, and collated with the second (1566) edition: with an appendix of variations. Originally published under title: Iohn Heywoodes Woorkes: A Dialogue Conteynyng the Number of the Effectuall Prouerbes in the Englishe Tounge ... (Londini: [Imprinted at London in Fléetestrete by Thomas Powell. Cum priuilegio], 1562).

Quotation from Benjamin Franklin Illustrating "In the Dark All Cats Are Grey"


And as in the Dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

From: A letter to "My dear friend," dated June 21, 1745, which is printed under the title, "Old Mistresses Apologue," in: Benjamin Franklin: Writings ..., [selected and with notes by J. A. Leo Lemay] (New York, N.Y.: Library of America, c1987): pp. 302-303, specifically p. 303.

in the doghouse:

Out of favor in one's own home or on one's own turf, ordinarily because of some offense or a perception thereof; characterized by having somone with influence on one's life, especially a partner, angry at oneself; in trouble with someone.

Comment: The image, presumably: no welcome or shelter from criticism except with one's dog. The expression is almost always used figuratively.

See also sleep on the couch.


in the market:

Available to be dated or wooed.

See also available, in circulation, marriage market, meat market, single.

x market.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "In the Market"

[Abigail Timberlake, the narrator] Roy had already become a little too sweet on me. That kind of thing can be flattering if you're in the market, so to speak, but I had already found my treasure. Greg and I were having our second date Saturday night.

From the mystery novel: Larceny and Old Lace, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, NY: Avon Books, 2000, c1996: in series: A Den of Antiquity Mystery): chapter 25, p. 209.

"In the night all cats are gray":

See "In the dark all cats are grey."


1. The sharing of confidences and daily feelings on equal terms; the opening of vulnerabilities each to the other or others in an ongoing relationship.

2. An instant or easy rapport with and openness to another person; intuiting the invisible dimensions of another person, especially when the intuiting is mutual.

3. Mutual pleasuring in the erogenous zones, most especially the erotic stimulation of the mind-genital axis, entailing an awareness and ongoing exploration of each other's desires.

4. A relationship characterized by any of the above.

See also amitié amoureuse, close, companionate love, consummate love, emotional-jealous intimacy, friendship, gemütlich intimacy, heart, hold an intimacy close, in love, in (one's) life, intimacy guide, intimate companion, intimate friend, intimate friendship, intimate network, intrinsic marriage, liking, loveology, nest, pillow talk, porcupine's dilemma, reconnect, sexual relationship, skin-to-skin intimacy, spiritual intimacy, togetherness, triangular theory of love, "Two's compnay, three is a crowd," uncommitted dating.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Intimacy"


[250] Cipriano and he [Ramón], even when they embraced each other with passion, when they met after an absence, embraced in the recognition of each other's eternal and abiding loneliness; like the Morning Star.

But women would not have this. They wanted intimacy -- and intimacy means disgust. Carlota wanted to be eternally and closely identified with Ramón, consequently she hated him and hated everything which she thought drew him away from this eternal close identification with herself. It was just a horror, and he knew it.

Men and women should know that they cannot, absolutely, meet on earth. In the closest kiss, the dearest touch, there is the small gulf which is none the less complete because it is so narrow, so nearly non-existent. They must bow and submit in reverence, to the gulf.

[423] There was hardly anything [for Kate Leslie] to say to him [Cipriano Viedma]. And there was no personal intimacy. He kept his privacy round him like a cloak, and left her immune within her own privacy. He was a stranger to her, she to him. He accepted the fact absolutely, as if nothing else were possible. She, sometimes, felt it strange. She had so craved for intimacy, insisted on intimacy.

Now she found herself accepting him finally and forever as the stranger in whose presence she lived. It was his impersonal presence which enveloped her. She lived in his aura, and he, she knew, lived in hers, with nothing said, and no personal or spiritual intimacy whatever. A mindless communion of blood.
From the novel: The Plumed Serpent (Quetzalcoatl), by D. H. Lawrence (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1926): chapter 17, p. 250; chapter 26, p. 423; compare chapter 27, p. 438. Italics his.

Quotations from Malcolm Muggeridge Illustrating "Intimacy"

In our new intimacy together, as I got to know her [Kitty] better, I found her companionship ever more delightful. This has continued to be so throughout our forty-odd years together; despite rows, separations, jealousies, infidelities, all the usual wear and tear of a marital relationship. Troubles which, at the time, were very agonising, sometimes desperately so, now, looked back on, seem rather trivial by comparison with the love between us that has steadily grown, like a tree ...

From the autobiography: Chronicles of Wasted Time. Chronicle I: The Green Stick, [by] Malcolm Muggeridge (New York: William Morrow, 1973, c1972): chapter 4, p. 151.

It is always easy to talk to someone with whom one is going to become intimate; the future casts its shadow backwards, and there is no explaining to be done, even though there is everything to explain. A stumbling, awkward first encounter rarely ripens into intimacy. The first thing I learnt was her name -- Anna.
From the autobiography: Chronicles of Wasted Time. Chronicle 2: The Infernal Grove, by Malcolm Muggeridge (New York: William Morrow, 1974, c1973): chapter 3, p. 167.

Quotation from Peter Høeg Illustrating "Intimacy"

When you're young, you think that sex is the culmination of intimacy. Later you discover that it's barely the beginning.
From the novel: Smilla's Sense of Snow, [by] Peter Høeg (New York: Farrar Straus and Giroux, 1993): part 2, chapter 2, p. 379.

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Intimacy"

[177] Where do we find true intimacy? It is found at that point of attachment where your hearts beat as one, when love is transmitted through [178] murmurs and caresses, and you know and are known. That can open the door to the secret place where you are both truly "at home" -- a place to which, with practice, you know you can return, becuase you know the techniques that open that door.

From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): pp. 177-178.


intimacy guide:

1. Instructional information, for instance in a book or on a video, that provides advice on how to achieve and maintain emotional closeness to another person. Sometimes included is instruction in sexual techniques.

2. A sex manual.

3. A person who provides (a) advice on how to achieve emotional closeness to another person and/or (b) instruction in sexual techniques.

See also couples counselor, couples therapist, foursome coach, intimacy, love coach, love guru, outsource romance, polyamory coach, relationship coach, relationship counselor, relationship guru, sexpert, Tantra love coach.

x guide.


Characterized by intimacy (q.v.).

See also intimate question, love-performing, "naked and not ashamed."

Quotation from Aldous Huxley Illustrating "Intimate"


... she [Mary Bracegirdle] added, "When one individual comes into intimate contact with | another, she -- or he, of course, as the case may be -- must almost inevitably receive or inflict suffering."

.... "The difficulty," she [Mary] said, "makes itself acutely felt in matters of sex. If one individual seeks intimate contact with another individual in the natural way, she is certain to receive or inflict suffering. If on the other hand, she avoids contacts, she risks the equally grave sufferings that follow on unnatural repressions. As you see, it's a dilemma."

From the novel: Crome Yellow, [by] Aldous Huxley (New York: Harper & Row, 1974; in publisher' series: Perennial Library; P 336): chapter 24, pp. 123-124. Originally published: London: Chatto & Windus, 1921; in the United States: Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, Page, 1922.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "Intimate"


"I wasted three years of my life," I suddenly said [to Otto Winther].

"Only three? Oh, dear, Miss Amberley! I wasted seventeen."

"You? How? Over a woman? You're not married either?" How did we get to be so intimate so quickly? But I had noticed that that happened abroad, as if one shed inhibitions and privacies. One used strangers as mirrors, looking at oneself frankly for a little while, indulging in confessions, knowing one would never see the accommodating stranger again.

From the novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 1, p. 11.

intimate companion:

1. A lover.

2. A close friend.

3. A spouse.

See also amari, close, companion, function of marriage, intimacy, intimate friend, lover, partner, spouse.


intimate friend:

1. A person who is fond of one and with whom one shares one's innermost thoughts.

2. A person one is fond of and with whom one engages in sexual activity.

Comment: Abbreviated IF.

See also close, IF, intimate companion, erotic friend, friend, intimate friendship, intimacy, partner.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Intimate Friend"


"Will you make coffee, Louisa?" she [Helena] asked. Louisa lifted herself, looked at her friend, and stretched slightly.

"Oh!" she groaned voluptuously. "This is so comfortable!"

"Don't trouble then, I'll go. No, don't get up," said Helena, trying to disengage herself. Louisa reached and put her hands on Helena's wrists.

"I will go," she drawled, almost groaning with voluptuousness and appealing love.

Then, as Helena still made movements to rise, the elder woman got up slowly, leaning as she did so all her weight on her friend.

"Where is the coffee?" she asked, affecting the dulness of lethargy. She was full of small affectations, being consumed with uneasy love.

"I think, my dear," replied Helena, "it is in its usual place."

"Oh--o-o-oh!" yawned Louisa, and she dragged herself out.

The two had been intimate friends for years, had slept together, and played together, and lived together. Now the friendship was coming to an end.

From: The Trespasser, by D. H. Lawrence (London: Duckworth, 1912): about three-fifths into chapter 1. <This edition not yet examined>


intimate friendship:

1. A relationship in which the parties are fond of one another and accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts with each other.

2. A relationship in which the parties are fond of one another and engage in sexual activity with each other.

See also close, erotic friendship, friendship, heterosexual friendship, intimate friend, intimacy, male-female friendship, relationship.

Quotation from Judge Lindsey Illustrating "Intimate Friendships"


I even know a few married couples who ... insist that they are in love with each other, and that they don't love anybody else, but that they both like variety, and that they see no harm in what they call "intimate friendships."

From: The Companionate Marriage, by Ben B. Lindsey & Wainwright Evans (New York: Boni & Liveright, 1927): p. 21.

Quotation from James W. Ramey Illustrating "Intimate Friendships"


What do we mean by intimate friendships? All the many types of relationships, including primary relationships, that involve some degree of social, sexual, emotional, intellectual, family, or career intimacy. These are relationships in which the interaction between persons is more important than, but may include, genital to genital interaction. This definition includes several types of marriage of course, as well as many other lifestyles.

From: Intimate Friendships, [by] James W. Ramey (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, c1976): p. 2.

Quotation from Kati Marton Illustrating "Intimate Friendship"


In 1907, during a Bermuda holiday recommended by his doctor, Woodrow [Wilson], unaccompanied by [his wife] Ellen, began what was delicately called "an intimate friendship" with another vacationer, Mary Peck Hulbert. What actually transpired between them is a matter of some dispute, but | clearly something happened -- enough to lead Wilson into a continued correspondence with Mrs. Hulbert , and even to send her $7,500, a huge sum in those days.

From: Hidden Power: Presidential Marriages That Shaped Our Recent History, [by] Kati Marton (New York: Pantheon Books, c2001): pp. 25-26.


intimate group:

A coterie of sexually open friends who have varying levels of involvement with each other, at least some of whom are sexually intimate with one another.

See also intimate network, non-monogamy.


intimate network:

1. A circle of three or four, maybe more families who routinely gather together for mutual aid, the nurturing of shared values, and the cultivation of intimacy (q.v.).

2. A friendship web of varying sexual connections and levels of commitment; intimate groups (q.v.) linked together.

Comment: Coined by Frederick H. Stoller, 1970.

See also brother in lust, chain, chains of affection, contact tracing for sexually transmitted infections, cycling, daisy chain, distal partner, heart-swapping, intinet, letter group (B), love tangle, merry-go-round of love, non-monogamy, polycule, polygeometry, poly pod, poly web, romantic network, sexual circle, sexual connection, sexual network, sister in lust, synergamy, trail.

x network.


intimate partner:

A person with whom one is involved sexually in a love relationship. This is one of the most popular of gender-neutral/ heterosexual-bias-free terms used with that or similar meaning.

See also intimate partner violence, partner.


intimate partner violence:

1. The non-reciprocal sort: one or more assaults upon a spouse, lover, or dating companion.

2. The reciprocal sort: one or more physical fights between spouses, lovers, or dating companions.

Comment: Abbreviated IPV.

Several types of IPV have been suggested by the researches of Michael P. Johnson, among those types: situational couple violence, intimate terrorism, and violent resistance.


A Typology of Domestic Violence: Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence, [by] Michael P. Johnson (Boston: Northeastern University Press; Hanover, [N.H.]: Published by University Press of New England, c2008; in: The Northeastern Series on Gender, Crime, and Law).

See also abuse, batter, crime of passion, domestic violence, husband abuse, intimate partner, intimate terrorism, IPV, situational couple violence, spouse abuse, violent resistance, violent resister, wife abuse.

x violence.

intimate question:

1. A delicate query appropriately put only by someone who is emotionally close to oneself, such as one's best friend or a lover or a spouse.

2. A query having to do with one's sex life.

3. A personal query designed to help individuals draw closer to each other, as in a therapeutic setting or in a game.

Note title: Intimate Questions: 459 Ways to Bring You Closer, [by] Gregory J. P. Godek (Naperville, Ill.: Casablanca Press, c2001).

See also ask-and-tell eroticism, close, contact tracing for sexually transmitted infections, intimate, question, sex life, sex survey, take a sex history.

intimate relationship:

A romantic and/or sexual involvement with one or more others. This is one of the most popular of gender-neutral/ heterosexual-bias-free terms used with that or similar meaning.

See also implicated with, love relationship, physical relationship, sexual relationship.


intimate talk:

1. Conversation between people who are close to and comfortable with each other, as between close friends or lovers.

2. Conversation that includes self-revelation of a deeply personal nature, especially on a mutual basis.

Comment: Intimate talk in the first sense is sometimes characterized by a distinctive set of personal idioms used within that relationship.

See also baby talk, bawdry, dirty talk, discourse of desire, express love, gymnocryptosis, love-discourse, love-prate, obscene language, obscene words, pillow talk, sex talk, sex talking, sweet talk.

x talk.

intimate terrorism:

Ongoing coercive control over a spouse, lover, or dating companion, or a recurrent pattern thereof. The means of control may include chronic verbal abuse, exclusion of access to financial records and assets, isolation, and threats, as well as coercion of sex acts and other physical violence. The harmful effects may be physical, psychological, and relational, and may spill over to or be shared by others, such as family members.

Comments: Abbreviated IT.

A type of intimate partner violence.

Generally, intimate terrorism within a given relationship is chronic, it involves intensely aggressive behavior, and it escalates easily over time. Severe injury and even death are among the common results.

Generally the perpetrators of intimate terrorism fall into two types:

Although intimate terrorism may be described as domineering and often as sadistic, it is not to be confused with the modern BDSM phenomenon (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism), which entails protocols and voluntary power exchange.

See also abuse, batter, dating violence, domestic violence, husband abuse, intimate partner violence, IT, maritodespotism, spousal homicide, spouse abuse, uxorodespotism, wife abuse.

x terrorism.


Intimate network (q.v.).



See romance-intolerant.

into (someone):

Inclined to focus one's attentions on a particular individual due to infatuation or love.

Comment: Used with the verb, "to be," as in: "I am just not that into you!"

Note the book: He’s Just Not That into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, [by] Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (New York: Simon Spotlight Entertainment, c2004).

See also infatuation, love.

x just not that into (you).
x not all that into (you).
x not that into (you).



Within a marriage; between people who are married to each other.

See also comarital, extramarital, intermarital, intra-relational, marital, nonmarital.


intramarital chastity:

Married but not engaging in sexual relations, this by design.

Comment: This is not to be confused with absence of conjugal relations due to inhibited sexual desire or some other condition.

See also accubitus, agapêtê, agapêtos, agenobiosis, demi-vierge, diasteunia, drone, mariage blanc, marital virginity, sexless marriage, subintroducta, syneisaktism, syneisaktos, white marriage.


intramural romance:

A love relationship carried on between individuals at the same institution, generally a school.

See also love relationship, romance.


intra-pair copulation or in-pair copulation (IPC):

Engaging in sexual intercourse with one's regular mate, said of a member of any apropos species.

This is in contradistinction to extra-pair copulation (q.v.). See also fidelity, IPC.



Within a relationship; involving members of a relationship with each other.

See also correlational, extra-relational, interrelational, intramarital, multirelational, non-relational, post-relational, pre-relational, relational.


intrasexual competition:

The vying of members of the same sex for something, especially for a mate of a different sex.

See also female-defense polygyny, jealousy, male-dominance polygyny, mate guarding, poach, rack-jack, resource-defense polygyny.

x competition.



An affair (q.v.).

Comment: The word typically carries overtones of deception, delicacy, complexity, or a clandestine situation.

See also action on the side, adultery, amour, amourette, casual relationship, dalliance, escapade romantique, extramarital affair, extramural sexual affair, fling, inappropriate relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, irregular connection, liaison, married at Finglesham Church, sex scandal, short-term relationship.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Intrigue"


[The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicomte de Valmont] I had some thought of making a kind of assistant in intrigue out of her [Cécile Volanges], of employing her, as it were, for subordinate roles, but I see that the material is lacking. She has a stupid ingenuousness ... It is, in my view, the most dangerous malady from which a woman can suffer. It denotes, in particular, a weakness of character which is nearly always incurable, and is an impediment to everything; so that, while attempting to fit the girl for a life of intrigue, we should only be turning out a woman of easy virtue.

From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 106, pp. 253-256, specifically p. 254. The mark of omission is mine. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.


[The French reads] J'avais en quelque envie d'en faire au moins une intrigante subalterne, et de la prendre pour jouer les seconds sous moi : mais je vois qu'il n'y a pas d'etoffe; elle a une sotte ingénuité ... et c'est selon moi, la maladie la plus dangereuse que femme puisse avoir. Elle dénote, surtout, une faiblesse de caractère presque toujours incurable et qui s'oppose à tout; de sorte que, tandis que nous nous occuperions à former cette petite fille pour l'intrigue, nous n'en ferions qu'une femme facile.

From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 106, pp. 241-244, specifically p. 242. The mark of omission is mine.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Intrigues"


... his [Wickham's] intrigues, all honoured with the title of seduction, had been extended into every tradesman's family.

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 48, p. 365. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Intrigue"


Of the Hassanyeh Arabs, whose marriages are for so many days in the week, usually four, Petherick says that during a preliminary negotiation the bride's mother protests against "binding her daughter to a due observance of that chastity which matrimony is expected to command, for more than two days in the week;" and there exists on the part of the men an adapted sentiment. The husband, allowing his wife to disregard all marital obligations during the off days, even considers an intrigue with some other man as a compliment to his own taste.

From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §280, p. 617. Originally published 1876. The reference (unverified) is to: John Petherick (1813-1882), Egypt, the Soudan, and Central Africa (Edinburgh; London: W. Blackwood, 1861): 140-4.

Quotation from the Angus Davidson Translation of Alberto Moravia Illustrating "Intrigue"

All that had happened between her [Leda, the narrator's wife] and Antonio had not affected in the slightest degree her relations with me. Her intrigue with [Antonio] the barber -- which, in all probability, would not survive that night -- and her ties with me, of a year's duration, were two different things, on two entirely different planes.

From the novel: Conjugal Love, by Alberto Moravia (New York, N.Y.: New American Library, 1952, c1951; in publisher's series: A Signet Book; 922): chapter 15, p. 128. Translated from the Italian of L'Amore Coniugale (1949) by Angus Davidson. Originally published in English: New York, Farrar, Straus and Young, 1951.

Quotation from Malcolm Muggeridge Illustrating "Intrigue"


Then there was Mr Jordan, my father's tailor, and mine when I went to Cambridge. His suits were solid rather than stylish; and he got involved in an intrigue with the girl in his shop, all the details of which were familiar to me because I heard them being recounted in a dramatic whisper by Mrs Jordan to my mother. While he was measuring me up, and the girl was taking down the measurements, I eyed her appraisingly, but without detecting in her the qualities which had so enflamed Mr Jordan.

From the autobiography: Chronicles of Wasted Time. Chronicle I: The Green Stick, [by] Malcolm Muggeridge (New York: William Morrow, 1973, c1972): chapter 2, p. 47.


intrinsic marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which the needs and desires of the pair hold top priority; a marriage that focuses on the closeness of the spouses.

Source: The Significant Americans: A Study of Sexual Behavior Among the Affluent, by John F. Cuber, with Peggy B. Harroff (New York: Appleton-Century, c1965). See especially chapter 7.

See also close, intimacy, more "married" than, seriously married, symbiotic marriage, togetherness.


in trouble:

1. Facing danger; imperiled.

2. Subject to punishment, whether deserved or not; at odds with those in authority or, at least, with someone in authority.

3. Pregnant out of wedlock and not wanting to be, said especially of a teenager who isn't ready financially or emotionally to care for a baby, who wishes to avoid disappointing her family, and/or who wishes to avoid having to deal with the life-changing aspects of early parenthood.

Comment: Often implied in any of the above senses is a need for help.

See also baby-daddy scare, baby-daddy drama, baby-daddy trauma, baby-mama drama, baby-mama scare, baby-mama trauma, love-trouble, out of wedlock, pregnancy scare.

x trouble.


See sexual introvert.

in vase indebito (Latin):

See unnatural.

invite others into (their) sex life:

To ask one or more persons to join in the erotic activites of (individuals who are partners in a relationship), usually with the implication that this will be an ongoing behavior.

Comment: Among the variations: "to invite other people into our sex lives." The plural, "lives," tends to be used when the emphasis is on distinct but overlapping sex lives. The singular, "life," tends to be used when the emphasis is on the joint nature of the partners' erotic activities.

See also group sex, partner sharing, sex life.

involuntary celibacy:

The state that describes a person (a) who has not chosen a sexless life but (b) whose sex partner (or partners) is (or are) unwilling or unable to make love to him or her, at least for a long enough stretch of time to make coping difficult, and (c) who chooses not to seek sexual gratification with anyone else, this for religious or moral reasons..

Comment: Coined by me, May 9, 2007.

See also accubitus, adectia, agenobiosis, celibacy, celibate marriage, diasteunia, involuntary celibate, mariage blanc, sexless marriage, spiritual marriage, white marriage.


involuntary celibate:

A person (a) who has not chosen a sexless life but (b) whose sex partner (or partners) is (or are) unwilling or unable to make love to him or her, at least for a long enough stretch of time to make coping difficult, and (c) who chooses not to seek sexual gratification with anyone else, this for religious or moral reasons, for instance, so as not to hurt the partner(s).

Comment: Coined by me, May 9, 2007.

See also celibate, demi-vierge, drone, involuntary celibacy, sexual camel.


involved with:

In a sexual or romantic relationship with; characterized by having intimate ties with (a person).

Comment: Sometimes shortened, as in, "They're involved" (that is, "with each other").

For additional lexical example, see under "besotted."

See also emotionally involved, mi an yuh deh, person I'm with, "Pretty Woman" rule, romantic involvement, romantic relationship, sexual relationship.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Involved"

[Wynell Crawford to Abigail Timberlake, the narrator] "No, Abby, I will not get out of bed to drive you somewhere just because you want to avoid being followed by your boyfriend. And aren't you just a little too old to be playing these kinds of games?"

"Greg and I are no longer involved," I said through gritted teeth, "and I am not playing games!"

From the mystery novel: Estate of Mind: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 1999; with imprint: Avon Twilight): chapter 3, p. 30; cf. chapter 13, p. 131.


inyukawtigicuq (Eskimo-Aleut):

1. Men who have exchanged wives.

2. The men who have been married to the same woman at different times.

Source: The North Alaskan Eskimo: A Study in Ecology and Society, by Robert F. Spencer (Washington: Government Printing Office, 1959; Smithsonian Institution, Bureau of American Ethnology Bulletin; 171): p. 80.

See also angutawkun.

x Eskimo terms.


Intra-pair copulation (q.v.).

See also EPC.

x abbreviations and acronyms.


ipo (Hawaiian term):

Lover, male or female; a sweetheart.

See also boyfriend, girlfriend, huapala, kuualoha, lover, sweetheart.

x Hawaiian terms.



Intimate partner violence (q.v.).


"Individualistic relationship": a relationship (q.v.) in which the priority is on the individuals involved as individuals, for instance, where it is chiefly about self-fulfillment -- all this especially in a context where individualism is dominating.

Comment: Coined by Dale S. Kuehne, 2009.

See also iSex, iWorld.

x individualistic relationship.

Quotation from Dale S. Kuehne Illustrating "iRelationship"


In many ways the iWorld's understanding of sexual relations can be summed up in the term "iSex," and the iWorld's understanding of relationships can be understood in the term "iRelationship." The iWorld maintains that self-fulfillment is the primary path to happiness and that this is true of every aspect of one's life. In an iWorld relationship it is up to each person to ensure that they are getting what they want, and if they are not, it is their responsibility to find it. Since sexual fulfillment in the iWorld is such an important part of personal fulfillment, it is up to each man and woman to look out for his or her own sexual fulfillment. The same is true for relational fulfillment; we each need to take personal responsibility in looking out for our own fulfillment.

From: Sex and the iWorld: Rethinking Relationship Beyond an Age of Individualism, [by] Dale S. Kuehne; foreword by Jean Bethke Elshtain (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, c2009): p. 167.

Irish terms:

See acushl, cuisle mo chroidhe.

hiron Aphroditês (Greek):

See temple of love.


irreconcilable differences (legal term):

Discord between spouses that:

Comments: This serves as grounds for no fault divorce in many jurisdictions; however, some jurisdictions use a different term with the same meaning, for instance, "irremediable breakdown," "irretrievable breakdown," or "incompatibility."

The legal conditions for the determination of irreconcilable differences may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

See also consortium, divorce, failed marriage, failed relationship, grounds for divorce, incompatibility, no fault divorce, unsuccessful marriage.

x differences.
x irremediable breakdown.
x irretrievable breakdown.

irregular connection, or irregular connexion:

1. A sexual encounter or relationship that violates either social mores or the speaker's sense of what is considered proper; scandalous sexual behavior with another.

2. A sexual encounter or relationship that is outside the norm.

See also affair, connection, fornication, illicit love, illicit relationship, inappropriate relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual connection, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unnatural.


irregular marriage:

A marriage approved by civil authorities but not by religious authorities, or vice versa.

See also civil marriage, ecclesiastical marriage.


irremediable breakdown:

See irreconcilable differences.

irretrievable breakdown:

See irreconcilable differences.


1. Erotic activity via the Internet, especially using Apple products, given that several have been provided names with an "i" prefix, such as the iMac, iPod, iPhone, and iPad.

2. "Individualistic sex": sexual activity where the priority is on the individuals involved as individuals, for instance, where sex is chiefly about self-fulfillment -- all this especially in a context where individualism is dominating.

Comment: This is as contrasted, for instance, with rSex.

Source: Sex and the iWorld: Rethinking Relationship Beyond an Age of Individualism, [by] Dale S. Kuehne; foreword by Jean Bethke Elshtain (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, c2009): see p. 167.

See also cybersex, instant messaging, Internet affair, iRelationship (which see for lexical example), iWorld, online affair, rSex, sex, sexting, sexual ethics, sexual morality, social media slut.

x individualist sex.

ishshah acheret (Hebrew):

See strange woman.

ishshah nokriyyah (Hebrew):

See strange woman.

ishshah zarah (Hebrew):

See strange woman.


See desert island partner.

island custom:

See Portland custom.


Marriage between persons of the same or roughly the same age.

Comment: I'm guessing that the term is from the Greek isos ("equal") + enos ("pertaining to the earlier of two periods") + gamos ("wedlock"). (It's the enos that I doubt.) However, it is more natural to break down the word this way: Greek isonomia ("equal proportion" or "equality of rights") + gamos ("wedlock").

If the latter represents the actual formation of the word, it ought to mean, "marriage in which the partners have equal rights." For the definition given, I would have expected instead a word formation built upon a Greek term like homëlix or isëlix.

Adding the prefix "an-" negates the term, hence "anisonogamia" (q.v.).

See also alphamegamia, dysonogamia, -gamy, homogamy, isonogamist, isonogamous, May-opsigamy, positive assortive mating.



1. A participant in a marriage between persons of the same or roughly the same age.

2. An advocate of isonogamy (q.v.).

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "isonogamia," so here included.



Pertaining to or characterized by isonogamia (q.v.).

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "isonogamia," so here included.



See marital issue.

"Is there not a way to every woman's heart?"

See "There is a way to every woman's heart."


1. A singular third-person pronoun, used as such wherever "he" or "she" is not more appropriate.

2. A sexual euphemism or, more precisely, avoidance word, used when not wishing to utter a more explicit term. Thus "it" might refer, for instance, to the pudenda, any sort or a particular type of sexual act, a sexual contraption, a contraceptive device, or a venereal disease.

3. Sex appeal.

4. A set of qualities that tend to make for success.

Source: Encyclopaedia Sexualis (1936), which see for citations.

See also can't keep it in (his) pants, coitus, do it all, give it away, have it all, keep it in your pants, sex appeal, sexual intercourse, "Show me yours," thing, X-appeal.

Quotation from Anne Billson Illustrating "It"


American girls had to be content with 'It'. This was supposed to be that indefinable something possessed by the new breed of liberated young women, the flappers and carrer girls of the Roaring Twenties. Clara Bow starred in It (1927) and became the 'It' girl, an epithet coined by Elinor Glyn, self-styled romantic expert and author of Three Weeks (a Ruritanian romance which had been filmed in 1924, inspiring a flood of imitations).

From: Screen Lovers, [by] Anne Billson; foreword by Stewart Granger; photographs from the Kobal Collection (New York: St. Martin's Press, c1988): p. 18. Originally published: London: Conran Octopus, 1988. By the way, a Ruritanian romance is a story set in a fictional country like the Ruritania of The Prisoner of Zenda, by Anthony Hope (1894).



Intimate terrorism (q.v.).

Italian culture:

See culture.

Italian terms:

See amore, Armida's girdle (il cinto d'Armida), becco, bimbo, cavaliere servante, cavolo riscaldato, Così fan tutte, dona (donna), forma divina, ius primae noctis (diritto feudale), jomer (donna), marriage à la mode (matrimoni alla moda), mettere in piazza, petronalla, primo amore, screen for love (schermo di amore), sposa, sposo, trattàto di amore, traviata.


itchy ring finger:

Anxiousness to become engaged or to get married -- with regard to engagement, at least, generally said of a woman.

Comment: By synedoche, the fourth finger of the left hand stands for the person, since by custom it receives the engagement ring (speaking of women) and the wedding wedding ring (speaking of both men and women).

See also anutaphobia, azygophrenia, biological clock, kick for a man, look for a man, look for a woman, marriage minded, marrying kind, need a man (or a woman), single, social clock, Torschlusspanik, unhappily single, wedding bell blues.


"It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home":

See "Don't care where you get your appetite so long as you eat at home."

item, as in "They're an item":

Individuals, usually two, linked together romantically as a matter of news or gossip.

See also couple, unit.


It feels so right:

See feels so right.

"It harm none, do what ye will":

See "an it harm none, do what ye will."


"It is better to buy a quart of Milk by the penny then [sic] keep a Cow":

See "Why buy a cow when you can get milk free?"

"It's not where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home":

See "Don't care where you get your appetite so long as you eat at home."

"It's not you, it's me":

1. An expression to the effect that the emotional issue at hand is not generated by the person being addressed, but by oneself.

2. One of the most common responses to the question, "What did I do to cause your feelings about me to change?" or "to cause you to break up with me?" The response indicates that any inadequacy or fault lies with the speaker rather than with the addressee, which is sometimes true and sometimes a face-saving measure for the addressee; although, perhaps most often, the response is a deflection from a serious analysis of why the relationship (a third thing) isn't working, since, after all, that would be to belabor the unpleasantness and possibly even undermine the unilateral decision.

Comments: The expression dates back at least to 1977. It was widely popularized by the American TV sitcom, "Seinfeld," Season 5, Episode 6 (70 oversall), "The Lip Reader," written by Carol Leifer; directed by Tom Cherones (first aired October 28, 1993).

Only the weightiness of the situations in which the response is used keeps it from cliché status; but, then, perhaps not.

See also break-up, "I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome, unilateralism.

Quotation from Stanley Siegal Illustrating "It' Not You — It's Me"


Stanley Siegal squirmed in his seat. "I want to tell you how I feel," he said to Liv Ullmann [during a TV interview]. "I feel a little anxious with you, a little frightened and intimidated. It's not you — it's me."

From: "Give Us a Kiss, Stanley," by Jonathan Reynolds, New York Magazine; v. 10, no. 37 (September 12, 1977): pp. 41-45, specifically p. 41.


"It was just sex":

See just sex.


See mea Iuno.


iura tori (Latin):

See rights of the marriage bed.

ius connubii (Latin):

Right to copulation.

See also custom of the country, droit de seigneur, ius primae noctis, maritage.

x jus connubii.
x Latin terms.


ius mariti (Latin):

A husband's right, especially to his wife's personal property in some times and jurisdictions.

See also manus, mund.

x jus mariti
x Latin terms.


ius primae noctis (Latin):

"Right of the first night"; the idea that a male other than the husband, such as a lord in a feudal society, may claim sexual access to his vassal's newly wed bride.

Comment: The term has equivalents in other languages, for example, in:

Exercise of such a supposed right and similar practices have a long history, at least in literary expression. It is mentioned even in the Old Babylonian version of the Gilgamesh Epic:

"Gilgamesh, King of Uruk-of-the-wide-marketplaces
lets the drum of the people be beaten, banns of marriage,
so that men may mate with legitimate wives.
[But] he goes first,
the husband comes after."1

Herodotus (ca. 484-425 B.C.E.) wrote that the Adyrmachidae "are the only tribe [of Libya] with whom the custom obtains of bringing all women about to become brides before the king, that he might deflower the one who seemed to him most agreeable."2

Aristotle, in his lost "Constitution of the Cephallenes," a part of his Politeia, wrote, according to an excerpt found in Heraclides of Lembus (2nd century B.C.E.):

"In Cephallenia a son of Promnesus ruled and he was cruel, and he did not allow them more than two festivals nor to live more than ten days of the month in the city. He himself knew carnally the virgins before they married. Antenor, who had put on a woman's clothing and armed himself with a dagger, got into the bed and killed him. The people honored him and made him their leader, and the virgin for whom he had attacked (the tyrant) became famous."3-4

The idea that such a right existed in the Middle Ages has been regarded by some as a myth, even that the right was the Heavenly Lord's right to a couple's continence on the first night of their marriage.5


1 The Epic of Gilgamesh 2.4.31-36, using the numbering in: Ancient Near Eastern Texts Relating to the Old Testament, edited by James B. Pritchard (3rd ed., with supplement. Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1969): p. 78; however, using the English rendering found in: Gilgamesh, translated from the Sîn-leqi-unninnï version [by] John Gardner, John Maier; with the assistance of Richard A. Henshaw (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1984; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 96. Compare 1.2.27-28 in the Akkadian version (ANET3, p. 74; Gardner-Maier, p. 67).

2 Herodotus, Histories 4:168, as rendered in: The Histories, [by] Herodotus; translated by George Rawlinson; with an introduction by Rosalind Thomas (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, c1997; "A Borzoi Book"; in: Everyman's Library; 234): p. 371.

3 The quotation is from: Heraclides of Lembus, Excerpta Politiarum 64 = 383-384, V. Rose = 34:21-36:4, Dilts; as translated in: Heraclidis Lembi Excerpta Politiarum, edited and translated by Mervin R. Dilts (Durham, N.C.: Duke University, 1971; in series: Greek, Roman, and Byzantine Monographs; no. 5): pp. 35, 37.

4 Among possible religious references to the practice prior to the Middle Ages are these:

  • Lactantius, De Mortibus Persecutorum = Of the Manner in which the Persecutors Died 38.
  • Bereshith Rabbah = Genesis Rabbah 26:5.
  • Talmud Yerushalmi, Ketubot 25c = 1.5.I.A-M (Neusner).
  • Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 23a (apparently alluding to 1 Maccabees 1:26-28).
  • Talmud Bavli, Ketubot 3b.

5 Curiosities of Popular Customs and of Rites, Ceremonies, Observances, and Miscellaneous Antiquities, by William S. Walsh (Philadelphia: J. B. Lippincott Co., c1897, t.p. 1904): pp. 314-415, s.v. "Custom of the Country." Among scholarly titles that give a skeptical treatment, see:

  • Jus Primae Noctis: Eine geschichtliche Untersuchung, von Karl Schmidt (Freiburg im Breisgau; St. Louis, Mo.: Herder, 1881).
  • The Lord’s First Night: The Myth of the Droit de Cuissage, [by] Alain Boureau; translated by Lydia G. Cochrane (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1998). Translation of: Le droit de cuissage: la fabrication d’un mythe (XIIIe-XXe siècle), [par] Alain Boureau (Paris: Albin Michel, c1995). <Neither examined first-hand>

See also amober, chin-than, culliage, custom of the country, droit de seigneur, initiate the bride, ius connubii, Law of the Conquered, maritage, mercheta mulierum, praegustator, rape, Tobias nights.

x derecho de pernada.
x diritto feudale.
x droit de cuissage.
x French terms.
x German terms.
x Italian terms.
x jus primae noctis.
x Latin terms.
x Recht der erstern Nacht.
x right of the first night.
x rights.
x Shakespeare, William.
x Spanish terms.

Quotation from William Shakespeare Alluding to the Ius Primae Noctis



... The proudest peer in the realm shall not wear a head on his shoulders unless he pay me tribute. There shall not a maid be married but she shall pay to me her maidenhead, ere they have it. Married men shall hold me in capite. And we charge and command that their wives be as free as heart can wish or tongue can tell.

From: William Shakespeare, The First Part of the Contention of the Two Famous Houses of York and Lancaster (2 Henry VI) (1590-1591): Act 4, scene 7, lines 117-121.


"I was wrong":

See three most important words in a marriage.


The "individualistic world": the set of those strains in a given culture, most notably American culture, where individualism dominates or, at least, is either emerging or persisting.

Comment: This is as contrasted with the rWorld and the tWorld.

Source: Sex and the iWorld: Rethinking Relationship Beyond an Age of Individualism, [by] Dale S. Kuehne; foreword by Jean Bethke Elshtain (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, c2009): see, for example, p. 28.

See also culture, iRelationship (which see for lexical example), iSex, morality, mores, rWorld, tWorld.

x individualistic world.
x world.

"I wouldn't marry (you) if (you) were the last person on earth":

See wouldn't marry (you) if (you) were the last person on earth.

ivy motto:

"We cling."

Comment: Known especially from romantic postcards of the early 1900s.

x mottoes.
x we.
x "We cling."

A Postcard Illustrating "Ivy Motto"

<Picture of postcard not yet posted..>

Romantic "post card," embossed and in landscape format, with a vignette in the shape of a five-pointed ivy leaf, which shows a seated couple in an embrace kissing, this in a pastoral setting with sheep in the background; with caption: "An ivy motto | 'We cling,'" followed by seven lines of verse, which read: "To emulate | the ivy | no chances let us miss, | I'm sure the ivy | could not cling | closer much, | than this" (London; New York: B. B. [Birn Brothers], [ca. 1911]; Series no. E.287). "Printed in Germany." From the authpr's collection, scanned <on such and such a date>.


Pertaining to or similar to Ixion, who in Greek myth was a Thessalian king who attempted to bed the goddess Hera, wife of the chief god Zeus. Zeus tricked him by providing him with a cloud in the form of Hera and then punished him by binding him to a continually revolving wheel. Thus the term might describe, for instance, somebody who has been undergoing a series of punishments or other woes for either adultery or an attempt at adultery.

Comment: For sources, see, for example:
See also adultery.
x myths.


See rack-jack.

Jack and Jill:

1. A generic man (or husband) plus a generic woman (or wife), especially of the common people -- in this sense since at least the 15th century; for example, John Lydgate (ca. 1370-ca. 1451), in the poem "London Lackpenny," referred to "Some songe of Jenken and Julyan." Note these quotations from 15th to 16th-century plays:

Note also these proverbial sayings:

2. Characters in a Mother Goose nursery rhyme, which dates back at least to the 18th century, presumably to 1765, and reads in the 1791 edition:

JACK and Gill
Went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down
And broke his crown,
And Gill came tumbling after.

Comments: Both names have various spellings, most especially, as shown, "Jill" is sometimes spelled "Gill."

Some people regard the nursery rhyme as nonsense verse, nonsensical possibly to serve a metaphor. After all, why would anyone go up a hill for water? I answer, to find clear water from a mountain spring. So I do not regard the rhyme as nonsensical. However, it might yet be metaphorical.

Scholars have proffered various theories about the origins of the pair, Jack and Jill; for instance, some trace Jack and Jill in the nursery rhyme back to Bil and Hjúki, who are associated with the waxing and waning of the moon, in the Prose Edda, by Snorri Sturluson (1179-1241), at Gylfaginning  = The Deluding of Gylfi 11. To quote the character Hárr's response to Gangleri:

"... Moon steers the course of the moon, and determines its waxing and waning. He took from the earth two children, called Bil and Hjúki, they that went from the well called Byrgir, bearing on their shoulders the cask called Sægr, and the pole Simul. Their father is named Vidfinnr. These children follow Moon, as may be seen from the earth."


For the text of Lydgate, I'm following A Selection from the Minor Poems of Dan John Lydgate, edited by James Orchard Halliwell (London: Percy Society, 1840): pp. 103-107, specifically p. 106. I observe that The Oxford Dictionary of English Proverbs (1935) spells the title of the poem "London Lyckpeny" and quotes the names with this spelling: "Ienken and Iulyan."

For the mystery play, "Resurrection," see play 35 in: Ludus Coventriae: A Collection of Mysteries, formerly Represented at Coventry on the Feast of Corpus Christi, edited by James Orchard Halliwell (London: Shakespeare Society, 1841; in set: A Supplement to Dodsley's Old Plays, edited by Thomas Amyot ... [et al.]; v. 2 (1853)): pp. [338]-353, specifically p. 340.
For the Wakefield mystery play, "Noah and the Ark," see play 3 in: The Towneley Plays, re-edited from the unique MS. by George England; with side-notes and introduction by Alfred W. Pollard (London: Publisht [sic] for the Early English Text Society by Kegal Paul, Trench, Trübner, 1897; in: Early English Text Society, Extra Series; no. 71): pp. 23-40, specifically p. 33. "For Iak, nor for gill" means "for nobody."
For the text of Skelton, I'm following Magnificence, [by] John Skelton; edited by Paula Neuss (Manchester, [England]: Manchester University Press; Baltimore, Md.: Johns Hopkins University Press, c1980; in series: The Revels Plays): p. 83.
For "Iack shall haue gill" in 1546, see: A Dialogue Conteinyng the Nomber in Effect of All the Prouerbes in the Englishe Tongue ..., made and set foorth by Iohn Heywood (Londini : [Thomas Berthelet], 1546); as quoted in The Oxford Dictionary of English Proverbs (1935). I've consulted this edition:

The Proverbs, Epigrams, and Miscellanies of John Heywood ..., edited by John S. Farmer (London: Early English Drama Society, 1906; in series: Early English Dramatists). It reprints John Heywoodes Woorkes. A Dialogue Conteyning the Number of the Effectuall Prouerbes in the Englishe Tounge ... (Londini, 1562) . In Farmer's edition, the text, which appears twice, reads:
  • "All is well -- Jack shall have Jill." -- "A Dialogue Containing the Number of the Effectual Proverbs in the English Tongue," part 2, chapter 3, p. 58.
  • "All shall be well, Jack shall have Gill: | Nay, nay! Gill is wedded to Will." -- "Epigrams upon Proverbs" §12, p. 169.
For "A good Jack makes a good Gill" in 1636, see: Remaines Concerning Britaine ..., written by William Camden ...; the first impression, with many rare antiquities never before imprinted, by the industry and care of Iohn Philipot (London: Printed by Thomas Harper, for John Waterson, 1636): p. 291.

Compare the saying, "A good husband makes a good wife," which is already called old in 1638. See: The Anatomy of Melancholy ..., by Democritus Junior [i.e. Robert Burton] (The fift [sic] edition, corrected and augmented by the author. Oxford: Henry Cripps, 1638): part 3, section 3, memb. 4, subsect. 1, p. 618.

The earliest American instance I've found is from 1750, in the form,
"A good jack makes | A good gill." See: The Almanacs of Roger Sherman, 1750-1761: Containing also Prose and Poetical Selections, and a Complete Collection of the "Sayings" Found in Them, by Victor Hugo Paltsits (Worcester, Mass.: Davis Press, 1907): p. 41. "Read before the American Antiquarian Society, at its Semi-Annual Meeting in Boston, April 17, 1907." Also found in Proceedings of the American Antiquarian Society; new series, v. 18 (1907): pp. 213-258, specifically p. 251.

Presumably the original source for Paltsits is: An Almanack, for the Year of Our Lord Christ, 1750 ... (New-York: Henry De Foreest, [1750?]).

In various sources, the proverb is said to be roughly equivalent to:
  • the German proverb, Wohl vorgehen macht wohl folgen (equivalency made by Benedictus Beiler in 1736);
  • the Latin adage, attributed to Erasmus (Adages 1.8.100), Bonus dux bonum reddit comitem (equivalency made by William Walker in 1672); and,
  • the Latin proverb, Bonum dux bonum facit militem (equivalency made in The Port Folio, Philadelphia, 1804).
For  "If Jack's in Love, he's no Judge of Jill's Beauty" in 1732, see: Gnomologia: Adagies and Proverbs; Wise Sentences and Witty Sayings, Ancient and Modern, Foreign and British, collected by Thomas Fuller (London: B. Barker; and A. Bettesworth and C. Hitch, 1732): p. 112, §2681.

The earliest American instance I've found is from 1748,
in Poor Richard's Almanack, by Benjamin Franklin. In some editions it is numbered apothegm 259.
For the quotation from Snorri Sturluson, see: The Prose Edda, by Snorri Sturluson; translated from the Icelandic, with an introduction, by Arthur Gilchrist Brodeur (New York: American-Scandinavian Foundation, 1916; in series: Scandinavian Classics; v. 5): p. 23.
The text of the nursery rhyme is as printed in: Mother Goose's Melody: or, Sonnets for the Cradle ... (London: Francis Power, 1791), as found in: Mother Goose's Melody: A Facsimile Reproduction of the Earliest Known Edition [i.e. the Earliest Extant English Edition], with an introduction and notes by W. F. Prideaux (London: A. H. Bullen, 1904): p. 37. Online here.

Mother Goose's Melody was first published, London: John Newbery, [ca. 1765]; however, I am unaware of any extant copies. Neither the English Short Title Catalogue nor WorldCat lists it.

The first American edition is extant in a single imperfect copy: Mother Goose’s Melody; or Sonnets for the Cradle (Worcester, Massachusetts: Isaiah Thomas, 1785). Reproduced in facsimile, under the title: The Original Mother Goose's Melody ..., with introductory notes [dated Sept. 6th, 1890] by William H. Whitmore (Detroit: Singing Tree Press, 1969). The text differs in the 1785 edition (see p. 37) only in that the other four nouns are capitalized.

Various verses were added to the nursery rhyme in 19th-century chapbooks.

Incidentally, note , earlier in the book, "Amphion's Song of Eurydice," which begins <with every other line indented>:

In the 1785 Edition (p. 20)
In the 1791 Edition (p. 20)
I WON'T be my Father's Jack,
      I won't be my Father's Gill,
I will be the Fiddler's wife,
      And have Musick when I will.
I WON'T be my father's Jack,
     I won't be my father's Gill,
I will be the fidler's wife,
     And have music when I will.

See also Adam and Eve, Jack and Jill party, law of averages.

Related term beyond the scope of this Glossary: Dick and Jane.

x "Each Jack has his Jill."
x Gill.
x "A good husband makes a good wife."
x "A good Jack makes a good Jill."
x "If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty."
x "Jack shall have Jill."
x Jill.
x "Never a Jack without a Jill."
x Shakespeare, William.

Quotation from Samuel Clarke Illustrating "Jack with Jill"


Then followed the cruel and slanderous reports of the Friars, who in their Sermons railed upon them [certain French Lutherans], told the People that they were assembled to make a banquet in the night, after which, putting out the candles, they went together Jack with Jill, after a filthy and beastly manner ...

From: A Generall Martyrologie, Containing A Collection of All the Greatest Persecutions Which Have Befallen the Church of Christ from the Creation to Our Present Times ..., by Sa. Clarke (London: Printed by A. M. for Thomas Underhill and John Rothwell, 1651): chapter 33, p. 293.

Jack and Jill party, or jack and jill party:

1. A pre-wedding gathering for both men and women, generally instead of a bachelor party for men and a bridal shower for women. Also called a buck and doe party, a Jack and Jill shower, a stag and doe party, and a stag and hen party (or hen and stag party).

2. A gathering for both men and women, where an adult game is played, such as an adult version of spin-the-bottle, that leads to stripping, masturbation in front of each other, and other sex acts according to the house rules.

Comment: In the second sense, possibly related to the slang terms for male and female masturbation, "to jack off" and "to jill off."

It would be convenient for the capitalized form to refer to the first sense and the uncapitalized to the second sense, but I've observed no consistency in usage.

See also circle jerk, cum-shot party, group sex, Jack and Jill, jack-off party, sewing circle, sex party, wedding.

x games.
x parties.


A hooker's husband who relies on her earnings from prostitution.

Source: Encyclopaedia Sexualis (1936).

See also husband.


jack-off party:

A social gathering that entails the manual stimulation of male genitalia, often to orgasm, as a group activity, either simply in each other's presence or of participants by each other or both.

See also circle jerk, cum-shot party, group sex, Jack and Jill party, safe sex circle, stroke party.

x party.

"Jack shall have Jill":

See Jack and Jill.

jactitation of marriage (legal term):

Boastfully claiming that one is married to somebody, so creating a public impression that marital union has occurred, when in fact it has not.

See also bloss, blowen, fauxmance, faux wedding, marriage, marriage in jest, shadow husband, shadow wife, sham marriage, showmance, spoffskins.



1. World-weary; emptied of élan by fatigue, abuse, disappointment, or disillusionment.

2. Rendered, by satiation, either uninterested, numb, or impotent.

Comment: In the first sense sometimes used with the connotation that one is cynical or that one is biased against someone or something because of past experience.

Contrast sex-alive (q.v.). See also anhedonic, aphanisis, asexual, disenchantment, frigid, hyposexual, undersexed.

Quotation from Winwood Reade Illustrating "Jaded"


The voluptuary dreads to be alone; his mind is a monster that exhibits foul pictures to his eyes. His memories are temptations; he struggles, he resists, but it is all in vain; the habits which once might so easily have been broken are now harder than adamant, are now stronger than steel; his life is passed between desire and remorse; when the desire is quenched he is tortured by his conscience; he soothes it with a promise, and then the desire comes again. He sinks lower and lower, until indulgence gives him no pleasure and yet abstinence cannot be endured. To stimulate his jaded senses he enters strange and tortuous paths which lead him to that awful borderland where all is darkness, all is horror, and vice lies close to crime. Yet there was a time when that man was guileless as a girl ...

From: The Martyrdom of Man, by Winwood Reade; with an introduction by J. M. Robertson (London: Jonathan Cape, 1927; in: The Travellers' Library): p. 367. Originally published, 1872.

Quotations from Jack Nichols Illustrating "Jaded"


When a man has found other sexual acts "boring" because he has "done everything" and becomes impotent, he refers to himself as jaded.

From: Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity, by Jack Nichols (Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1975; "A Penguin Original"): chapter 15, p. 210.


jade dragon:

A man who is the benefactor and protector of a white tigress, as well as her partner for practicing sexual skills. Typically the partnership lasts for three years unless they decide to continue together.

Comment: To be carefully distinguished from a green dragon.

See also green dragon, white tigress.

x dragon.

jail bait:

A minor to whom an adult is attracted, where statutory rape laws would prohibit sexual activity between the two.

See also cougar bait, bait, cradle-robber, cradle-snatcher, gerbil, man bait, man-boy love, pedophile, San Quentin quail.

Quotation from Rita Mae Brown Illustrating "Jail Bait"

[Alice Bellantoni, a minor, to Molly Bolt, an adult] "How are your morals when it comes to sleeping with me? I'm jail bait, ya know."

From the novel: Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown (Fifteenth anniversary ed. Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1988): chapter 16, p. 165. Originally published: Plainfield, Vt.: Daughters, Inc., 1973.

jaina (Spanglish):

1. A beautiful woman.

2. A girlfriend.

3. Sweetheart; honey; a term of endearment for someone with whom one is in a close love relationship.

Comment: The term is pronounced, KHAI-na or HAI-na. The spelling is sometimes anglicized as heina or hyna.

Two etymological speculations:

The second sense was popularized in English in part by the American punk band Sublime through the song "Santeria" (1997). Incidentally, some online transcriptions of the lyrics have jaina; some have instead heina.

Source for the third sense: Spanglish: The Making of a New American Language, by Ilan Stavans (c2003).

See also babe, baby, babycakes, beloved, cutie, cutie pie, darling, dear, dearest friend, dearheart, girlfriend, güila, heina, honey, love (as in "my sweet love"), loverboy, lovey, partner, queen, studmuffin, sugar, sugar doll, sweetheart, sweetie, term of endearment, valentine, woman.

x hyna.
x Spanish and Spanglish terms.


jalousie rétrospective (French):

"Retrospective jealousy"; feelings welling up of a jealousy (q.v.) engendered in a bygone time, the grounds for which are now past.

Comment: With the definite article: la jalousie rétrospective.

The term is especially associated with the French novelist, George Sand, which is the pen name of Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin (1804-1876). She used it in several of her works.

See also ancient history, ghosts of relationships past, razbliuto, saudade.

x French terms.
x retrospective jealousy.

Quotation from Thomas Hardy Illustrating "La Jalousie Rétrospective"

[Jim Hayward] 'Suppose he [Baron von Xanten] were to suddenly appear now, and say in a voice of command, "Margery, come with me!"'

'I believe I should have no power to disobey,' she returned, with a mischievous look. 'He was like a magician to me. I think he was one. He could move me as a loadstone moves a speck of steel. . . . Yet no,' she added, hearing the infant cry, 'he would not move me now. It would be unfair to baby.'

'Well,' said Jim, with no great concern (for 'la jalousie rétrospective,' as George Sand calls it, had nearly died out of him), however he might move 'ee, my love, he'll never come. He swore it to me: and he was a man of his word.'

From the short story: "The Romantic Adventures of a Milkmaid," in: The Writings of Thomas Hardy in Prose and Verse ... Prose (Anniversary ed. New York: Harper, c1920): v. 17, pp. [303]-[406], specifically p. [406]. The story is dated, "Midsummer, 1883." The elision is the author's.


See slow jam.

Jamaican terms:

See baybee, batty an bench, boops, boopsie, brinks, bun, catty, champion lova, check, dawta, dealing, girly-girly, go-round, interracial sex (chiney ryal, ryal), ile a ride, ilyback, lyrics, matie, mi an yuh deh, missa mension, ooman, out of wedlock (owt child, owt side pickney), putus, roasy, sistrin, stregge, usban, white liver, wok.


1. To scoff, mock, or make fun of.

2. To idle or trifle.

3. To play the part of a jilt, said of males.

Comment: A Scottish word.

See also jilt, jampher.


1. A scoffer; someone who mocks; a person who makes fun of another.

2. An idler or trifler.

3. A jilt, said of males.

Comment: A Scottish word.

See also jamph, jilt.


See Dear Jane letter, Lady Jane, mary jane.


JAP., or J.A.P.:

Jewish American princess, that is, a woman who:

Often implied is her attention to her beauty. The term is sometimes used pejoratively, but is often used in other ways as well, for instance, as self-description or as a description of a desirable female type.

Comment: Not to be confused with "Jap," short for "Japanese." The short form, "Jap," is now often regarded as an ethnic slur.

See also BAP, personal ad, princess.

x abbreviations and acronyms.

Japanese terms:

See amaeru, amejo (jo), ane-san, bakku-shan, big-sister wife (anesan nyobo), bishōjo game, emanieru suru, flea couple (nomi no fufu), goukon, group sex (bukkake), kokujo, language of flowers (hanakotoba), moe, nanpa, netorare, netori, otome game, pillow book (Makura no Sōshi), tsundere, yarikon.



See polyjargon.

jar, joru, jameen (Hindi):

See zan, zar, zameen.

jauhar (Hindu):

The practice of burning to ashes, en masse, all the wives and daughters in an entire town or district in order to prevent them from falling into the hands of enemies.

See also bride burning, spousal homicide, suttee, uxoricide.



A person who finds people to date through JDate, an online community of Jewish singles.

Comment: Pronounced jay-dater.

See also bashow minhag, cyberdating, dater, Net dating, online dating, shaddkahn, shidduch, Web dating, yenta.


1. Possessed by or otherwise feeling jealousy (q.v.).

2. Characterized by jealousy.

See also gag, gelos, green-eyed, horn-mad.

Quotation from Ambrose Bierce Illustrating "Jealous"


Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Humor from: The Devil's Dictionary, [by] Ambrose Bierce (New York: Dover Publications, 1958): p. 71. Originally published in full in v. 7 (1911) of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce (New York: Neale Publishing Co., 1909-1912).

Sheet Music Illustrating "Jealous"

<Picture of sheet music not yet posted>

Jealous, [artwork by] Frederick S. Manning; words by Tommie Malie and Dick Finch; music by Jack Little (New York, N.Y.: Henry Waterson, c1924). The second stanza of the song reads: "Each day, dear, I fear, I'm losing you, That soon you'll leave me all alone. If you go, you know, that I'll be blue, Just longing for the one I call my own. I hardly know where to place the blame, But here are quite a few things I could name: [Here the chorus begins] I'm jealous of the moon that shines above, Because it smiles upon the one I love [etc.]"

Quotation from Anaïs Nin Illustrating "Jealous" and "Jealousy"

It was Michel who counseled Linda never to be jealous, that | she must remember there were more women in the world than men, especially in France, and that a woman must be generous with her husband — think how many women would be left without a knowldege of love. He said this seriously. He thought of jealousy as a sort of miserliness.

"Linda," a short story in: Delta of Venus, erotica by Anaïs Nin (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, c1977): pp. [213]-232, specifically pp. 223-224. Originally written circa 1941.

Quotation from Charles Williams (1886-1945) Illustrating "Jealous"


Not to be jealous, it is often supposed, condones the sin, if sin there be. That anyhow is false; to be jealous only increases the first sin of infidelity to the Image by developing elsewhere another, that of infidelity to the most noble Love. But there need not be sin; to observe and adore the glory is not sin, nor to receive the humility and charity shed from the glory, of the second image, or indeed any number -- say, up to that seventy times seven in a day which our Lord chose as the only limit of the exercise of love [Matthew 18:22].

From: The Figure of Beatrice: A Study in Dante, [by] Charles Williams (New York: Noonday Press, 1961): p. 50. Originally published: London: Faber and Faber, 1943. 


jealous nature:

1. A disposition that is easily disturbed by beloved's association or potential association with someone who could be a sexual competitor.

2. A disposition that strongly tends to receive as a hurtful blow the enjoyment of another person by someone to whom one otherwise feels close.

3. A disposition that is inclined to be possessive or competitively demanding of a friend, lover, or spouse.

4. A disposition that is strongly inclined to guard what is considered an exclusive right or privilege.

See also jealous streak, jealous type, jealousy.

x nature.

Quotation from the Angus Davidson Translation of Alberto Moravia Illustrating "Tied"

In any case I am not of a jealous nature -- at least, I do not think so. In me every passion is finally dissolved in the acid of reflection -- a method as good as any other for subduing passion by destroying, at the same time, both its tyrannical power and the suffering it brings.

From the novel: Conjugal Love, by Alberto Moravia (New York, N.Y.: New American Library, 1952, c1951; in publisher's series: A Signet Book; 922): chapter 8, p. 63. Translated from the Italian of L'Amore Coniugale (1949) by Angus Davidson. Originally published in English: New York, Farrar, Straus and Young, 1951.

jealous of (someone's) esteem:

Intensely desirous that the other hold a high opinion of oneself or of one's social standing; characterized by wishing for the other's respect and affection.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Jealous of His Esteem"


... She [Elizabeth Bennet] was humbled, she was grieved; she repented, though she hardly knew of what. She became jealous of his [Darcy's] esteem, when she could no longer hope to be benefited by it. She wanted to hear of him, when there seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence. She was convinced that she could have been happy with him; when it was no longer likely they should meet.

What a triumph for him, as she often thought, could he know that the proposals which she had proudly spurned only four months ago, would now have been gladly and gratefully received!

From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 50, p. 387. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).


jealous streak:

A tendency to jealousy (q.v.) as a trait.

See also jealouys nature, jealous type.

jealous type:

The sort of person who becomes upset when his or her beloved receives sexual attentions from anybody else or when the beloved shows sexual attentions to anybody else.

See also jealous nature, jealous streak, jealousy.

x type.

Quotation from Spider Robinson Illustrating "Jealous Type"

[Arethusa to Joe Quigley] "... No, really, Joe: the jealous type I am not. I was when I came here, a little, but this place cured me. My first hour in the Bower cured me. I'd love to see you making love with someone else.... I really don't need to own you, darling. Just to share my life with you."
From the science fiction novel: Lady Slings the Booze, [by] Spider Robinson (New York: Ace Books, 1992): chapter 13, p. 189.


1. Emotional disturbance due to the knowledge or suspicion that a person to whom one is or would be attached has one or more other personal attachments. This definition applies to a variety of personal relationships, including, for instance, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, and friendships. It also applies to love relationships, where it may be more specifically described as a complex set of emotions, typically arising out of personal and/or relational insecurity, when one's lover has one or more other lovers or, at least in one's own imagination, would-be or could-be lovers.

2. The will to guard one's exclusive right or privilege.

Comments: Speaking in terms of today's American culture, it is widely believed that jealousy in either or both of the above senses is natural and acceptable when the exclusivity of a relationship is threatened, although jealousy is not generally regarded as a justifiable motive for violence.

Speaking therapeutically, jealousy in the first sense may be an indicator of relational problems or even of emotional problems.

Speaking ethically, agapic love, which is one of the kinds of love that is supposed to obtain both in marriage (Ephesians 5:25-29) and in life more generally, "is not jealous" (1 Corinthians 13:4).1

Speaking in terms of the inner life, if allowed to fester, jealousy in the first sense can consume the soul and distort one's outlook on life; but addressing it can be an opportunity for both inner and relational growth.

For a lexical example using the spelling "jealousie," see the quotation from Thomas Hobbes under "love."


1 For more references in the Bible that could pertain to marital and sexual jealousy, see: Genesis 30:1; Numbers 5:11-31; Proverbs 6:34-35; Song of Songs 8:6; Sirach = Ecclesiasticus 9:1; 37:10-11; Ezekiel 16:38; Romans 1:29; 13:13; 1 Corinthians 3:3; 2 Corinthians 12:20; Galatians 5:20-21; 1 Timothy 6:4; Titus 3:3; James 3:14, 16; 4:2; 1 Peter 2:1.

Contrast compersion (q.v.), frubbliness (q.v.), and synletitia (q.v.). See also alcoholic jealousy, alcoholic paranoia, ask-and-tell eroticism, competition jealousy, conjugal paranoia, cucky angst, deficiency love, delusional jealousy, eat (one's) heart out, ego jealousy, emotional-jealous intimacy, envy jealousy, exclusion jealousy, ex-husband envy, ex-husband syndrome, ex-wife envy, ex-wife syndrome, fear jealousy, feel threatened, green-eyed monster, green poison, inevitability myth of jealousy, injured lover's hell, intrasexual competition, jalousie rétrospective, jealous nature, jealous streak, jealous type, jealousy mechanism, jealousy-rules myth, Lasterkatalog, mate guarding, mate value, more evolved, Othello syndrome, possessive jealousy, projected jealousy, RAGE, red flag, relationship parasite, rules of adultery, rules of love, selectivity jealousy, smother (somebody), time jealousy, twinge of jealousy, umbrageous, water of jealousy, wibble, wild with jealousy, zelophilia, zelophobia.

x Greek terms.

Quotation from Geoffrey Chaucer Illustrating "Jalousye"

I seye, I hadde in herte greet despyt
That he of any other had delyt.
But he was quit, by god and by seint Joce!
I made him of the same wode a croce;
Nat of my body in no foul manere,
But certeinly, I made folk swich chere,
That in his owene grece I made him frye
For angre, and for verray jalousye.

From: Chaucer, Canterbury Tales, "The Wife of Bath's Tale," prologue, lines 481-488, in this edition: The Canterbury Tales, [by] Geoffrey Chaucer; from the text of W. W. Skeat; with a note on the language and metre and a glossary (New York: Avenenl Books; distributed by Crown Publishers, 1985; in series: Oxford World's Classics): p. 303. First published in The World's Classics in 1906.

Quotation from the Burton Raffel Translation of Geoffrey Chaucer Illustrating "Jealous"

"My heart, I admit, was churning with bitter rage
Whenever he [my fourth husband] took his pleasure from a different page.
But I got even, by God and Saint Joducus!
I took that wood and made him his own sharp cross --
Not with my body, I would not let that happen,
But working hard at making other men happy
I let his anger, the bitter grease inside,
Flame like a fire and fry his jealous mind...."
As translated in: The Canterbury Tales, [by] Geoffrey Chaucer; a new unabridged translation by Burton Raffel; introduction by John Miles Foley (New York: Modern Library, 2008): p. 171.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Jealousy"


'No!' he [Captain Wentworth] replied impressively, 'there is nothing worth my staying for;' and he was gone directly.

Jealousy of Mr Elliot! It was the only intelligible motive. Captain Wentworth jealous of her affection! Could she have believed it a week ago; three hours ago! For a moment the gratification was exquisite. But, alas! there were very different thoughts to succeed. How was such jealousy to be quieted? How was the truth to reach him? How, in all the peculiar disadvantages of their respective situations would he ever learn of her real sentiments?

From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 20, pp. 229-230. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

Quotation from Charles Williams Illustrating "Jealousy"


Jealousy does not mean only sex-jealousy; it need not even relate to the lovers at all. Once the authority of the glory has been admitted, all jealousy and envy are against the idea of and the way to caritas, but the "all" must include the sexual. One can hardly keep jealousy out of the office but let it in to the home. It is, always and everywhere, idolatry; it is a desire to retain the glory for oneself, which means that one is not adoring the glory but only one's own relation to the glory. It ought perhaps, for fear of misunderstanding, to be added that the strictest monogamist ought to disapprove of jealousy as strongly as anyone else; the two things are entirely separate. But it must be admitted that we might be a little nearer, intellectually, to pure love, if jealousy had been as passionately denounced as divorce in the Christian Church.

From the theological work: He Came Down From Heaven, [by] Charles Williams (Grand Rapids, Mich.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984): chapter 5, "The Theology of Romantic Love," p. 111. Originally published: London: William Heinemann, 1938; in series: I believe; no. 5. Williams is alluding, if obliquely, to 1 Corinthians 13:4: "charity envieth not" (King James Version) or, in more current English, "Love ... is not jealous" (New American Standard Bible). In the original Greek, the word there for "love" is agapê, and in the Latin Vulgate it is caritas.

Quotation from the Angus Davidson Translation of Alberto Moravia Illustrating "Jealousy"

My wife's first marriage lasted only a very short time, and after that, for ten years, she had lived alone and had had, as I was aware, numerous lovers. I had no feelings of jealousy for these predecessors of mine, and seeing that I was indifferent, she had taken to talking about them, circumspectly at first and then quite openly.

From the novel: Conjugal Love, by Alberto Moravia (New York, N.Y.: New American Library, 1952, c1951; in publisher's series: A Signet Book; 922): chapter 12, p. 105. Translated from the Italian of L'Amore Coniugale (1949) by Angus Davidson. Originally published in English: New York, Farrar, Straus and Young, 1951.

Quotations from Jack Nichols Illustrating "Jealousy"


[244] If a man is disillusioned by monogamous nuclear family patterns ... and opts for alternatives, he will fail in those alternatives as long as he carries masculinist values along. If he goes to a commune, for example, his acquired urges to dominate, control, and compete will work to destroy communal life. Jealousy is regarded as the prime problem in communes, the one on which most of such gatherings flounder. This is not surprising when domination and competition among men are not only not questioned but even practiced and encouraged. When these urges step into the realm of affection, they introduce structure, since to be sure of dominance a man must be aware of exactly what he may expect. These urges also introduce measurement, since to determine that he is ahead of a competitor a man must measure the degree of affection he receives and be sure that no one else is as far ahead as he is. If affection is given to anyone else, it is seen as a dreadful loss to the dominating competitor, who has established a prohibition against outside affection, the most sensitive regulation he prescribes. For the woman to copulate with another man would signify that she has capitulated to a competitor.

[248] Not only is jealousy an indication that one partner does not truly know the other (since he has a pedastalized view of that person), but it also says that he or she is dreadfully afraid of being left on his or her own, of being a separate person who is free. Jealousy, in other words, is a response to unwanted freedom, and it has its basis in a culture that rears its children to be dependent instead of self-regulating, autonomous beings.

From: Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity, by Jack Nichols (Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1975; "A Penguin Original"): chapter 17, pp. 244, 248. The mark of omission is mine.

Quotation from Anne Carson Illustrating "Jealousy"


The word 'jealousy' comes from Greek zêlos meaning 'zeal' or 'fervent prusuit.' It is a hot and corrosive spiritual motion arising in fear and fed on resentment. The jealous lover fears that his beloved prefers someone else, and resents any relationship between the beloved and another. This is an emotion concerned with placement and displacement. The jealous lover covets a particular place in the beloved's affection and is full of anxiety that another will take it.

From: Eros, the Bittersweet, [by] Anne Carson (Normal [Ill.]: Dalkey Archive Press, 1998): p. 14. Originally published: Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, c1986.


jealousy mechanism:

A trigger engrained by evolution that, when activated, gives rise to feelings that make one want to try to exclude competitors. In a man the trigger, in most cases, is activated by one or more men vying for sexual intercourse with the object of his desire; and in a woman, in most cases, it is activated by one or more women vying for the provider of her desire. All of this is according to hypothesis and is not proven.

Comments: Abbreviated JM.

The hypothesis leaves much to be explained about the complexities of jealousy, human sexuality, and love.

See also jealousy, JM.

jealousy-rules myth:

The generally false notion that one has no choice but to succumb to jealousy (q.v.).

Comment: I have provided a name for the supposed myth, which has been identified as such by others, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy that might surround it (October 18, 2006).

See also inevitability myth of jealousy.

x myths.



1. An attractive buxom young woman.

2. A girlfriend.

3. A contraceptive gel.

See also dobash, girlfriend, knitting, lady friend, Lady Jane, long-haired chum, love interest, lover, mary jane, partner, party, pash, popsey, woman friend.



An adherent of the teachings of Jemima Wilkinson (1752-1819), a Rhode Island Quaker, who was notable for dressing as a man and discoursing against marriage.

See also misogamist, nonogamist.


je ne sais quoi (French):

"I know not what" or, to paraphrase, "hard to say what it is"; often spoken in reference to a mysterious, undefinable, ineffable, or at least momentarily inexpressable quality, as in a power of attraction that eludes adequate description.

Comment: Sometimes the phrase is used as a substantive, as in: "She has a certain, um, je ne sais quoi, [or, preferably, je-ne-sais-quoi]" meaning, perhaps, mystical quality, charisma, allure, charm, or even personal quirkiness.

Note title: "The Je-Ne-Sais-Quoi: Faultlines in Foucault's Classical épistémè," by Richard Scholar, in: Le Savoir au XVIIe siècle: Actes du 34e congrès annuel de la North American Society for Seventeenth-Century French Literature, University of Virginia, Charlottesville, 14-16 mars 2002, edités par John D. Lyons et Cara Welch (Tübingen: Gunter Narr Verlag, c2003; in series: Biblio; 17, 147): pp. [255]-265.

See also allure, attraction, charm, chemistry, kavorka, kuzbu, magnetism, mystery, sex appeal, shiksappeal, X-appeal, x-factor, za za zoo.

x French terms.



See dating for Jesus.

Jesus as married:

See "was Jesus married" question.


Jesus baby:

See loving sexuality.

jeune fille à marier (French):

Marriageable young woman.

See also angélica, bachelorette, eligible, feme sole, maiden, miss, nubile, single, singlette, unattached, unmarried, unwed.

x French terms.

Quotation from Edith Wharton Illustrating "Jeune Fille à Marier"


[Lawrence Seldon] "Why such unnatural abstinence? Everybody smokes at Bellomont."

[Lily Bart] "Yes -- but it is not considered becoming in a jeune fille à marier; and at the present moment I am a jeune fille à marier."

"Ah, then I'm afraid we can't let you into the republic."

"Why not? Is it a celibate order?"

"Not in the least, though I'm bound to say there are not many married people in it. But you will marry some one very rich, and it's as hard for rich people to get into as the kingdom of heaven."

From: The House of Mirth, [by] Edith Wharton; authoritative text, backgrounds and contexts, criticism, edited by Elizabeth Ammons (New York: W. W. Norton, c1990; "A Norton Critical Edition"): book 1, chapter 6, p. 56. The text is based on the first edition in book form: New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1905.


jeune premier (French):

"First young man": the male actor who plays the part, either generally or in a given production, of the principal young hero or lover.

Contrast jeune première (q.v.). See also cute meet, Don Juan, dramatic lover, heartthrob, joyous defeat, leading man, Lothario, lover, love scene, Mary Sue story, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, Romeo, screen lovers, showmance, Valentino.

x French terms.


jeune première (French):

"First young woman": the female actor who plays the part, either generally or in a given production, of the principal young heroine or lover.

Comment: Compare the Italian terms, "prima ballerina" and "prima donna."

Contrasat jeune premier (q.v.). See also cute meet, dramatic lover, dulcinea, heartthrob, joyous defeat, Juliet, Lady Jane, leading lady, lothariette, lover, love scene, Mae West, Mary Sue story, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, screen lovers, showmance.

x French terms.



See mizpah jewelry.


See family jewels.


1. A woman whose story has a resemblance to or who exhibits one or more traits similar to those of the Ninth-Century B.C.E. Sidonian princess who became consort of King Ahab of Israel, namely Jezebel (in Hebrew: 'Izebel). In the Bible, she is portrayed as wicked (1 Kings 16:31; 18:4, 13, 19; 19:1-2; 21:1-25; 2 Kings 9). Among other crimes, she was accused of "whoredoms"1 (2 Kings 9:22, King James Version). Apparent use of her as an image can be found in the New Testament, at Revelation 2:20-24, where the church in Thyatira is chided because:

"you tolerate the woman2 Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray, so that they commit acts of immorality3 and eat things sacrificed to idols" (New American Standard Bible, c1973).

2. Generally capitalized: A woman of black African descent who meets or is presumed to meet the stereotype of a sexually promiscuous woman who always desires sex and is always available for it. In this sense, an objectionable term in many circles. The male counterpart is a Mandingo.

Comments: Regarding Jezebel's "whoredoms," this is possibly a reference to her promotion of the worship of fertility deities, including the god Baal and the goddess Asherah. She might herself have been a high priestess of Baal Melqart.4

For a First-Century C.E. account of Jezebel, see Josephus, Antiquities 8:317, 330-334, 347, 356-362; 9:47, 108, 122-123 = 8.13.1, 4, 7, 8; 9.4.2; 9.6.1, 4. Her being a high priestess is deduced in part from her father, Ethbaal, being a priest of Astarte (Ashtoreth), for which see 8:324 = 8.13.2; and Against Apion 1:123 = 1:18.

For rabbinic mentions of Jezebel see, for example: Midrash Rabbah at Genesis 64:5 (on the biblical text, 26:8); Deuteronomy 5:10 (on 17:14); Esther 3:2 (on 1:9); and Song of Songs 1.6.4 (on 1:6); also Pirkê de Rabbi Eliezer 17.


1 The Hebrew word rendered here as "whoredoms" is zenunê, from zanah, which means, "have illicit sexual intercourse" or, in relation to God, "be faithless." It can refer to practicing cult prostitution, as apparently at Hosea 4:13-14.

2 The Greek for what is here rendered "the woman" is tên gunaika, gunaika being from gunê, which can also mean "wife." If the latter is the intended sense, then the reference could be to the wife of the bishop over the church of Thyatira.

3 The Greek word here translated as "commit acts of immorality" is porneusai, from porneuô, In this context, I take the word to mean "to violate the sexual code found in the Torah."

4 "Jezebel," [signed] Gale A. Yee, in: The Anchor Bible Dictionary, David Noel Freedman, editor-in-chief (New York: Doubleday, c1992): v. 3, pp. 848-849.

See also Delilah, jungle love, Mandingo, Messalina.

x Bible.
x stereotypes.

Quotation from Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt Illustrating "Jezebel"


Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral and destructive -- Jezebel, Casanova, Don Juan. Watch out!

From: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, [by] Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (San Francisco, CA: Greenery Press, c1997): p. 26.



Just good friends.

See also just freinds.

x abbreviations and acronyms.
x just good friends.


See love jihad.


See Jack and Jill.

jilt, as in "a jilt":

A person who capriciously discards one or more lovers.

Comment: Sometimes spelled instead "gilt."

Contrast a reject (q.v.). See also jampher, lover, woman scorned.

x gilt.

Quotation from The Spectator Illustrating "Jilts"


[I will] describe a certain species of mankind under the denomination of male jilts. They are gentlemen who do not design to marry, yet that they may appear to have some sense of gallantry, think they must pay their devoirs to one particular fair: in order to which they single out from amongst the herd of females her to whom they design to make their fruitless addresses... her unwary heart becomes an easy prey to those deceitful monsters, who no sooner perceive it, but immediately they grow cool, and shun her whom they before seemed so much to admire ...

From: The Spectator; with notes, and a general index (From the last improved London edition, stereotyped. Philadelphia: J. J. Woodward, 1829): no. 288, portion signed "Melainia" (Wednesday, January 30, 1711-12). The Spectator was written by Joseph Addison, Richard Steele, and others.


jilt, as in "to jilt":

To discard (a lover).

See also break up, crossed in love (which see for lexical example), desertion, discard, ditch, dump, E&E, EwE, flush (somebody), get the mitten, get the sack, get the shaft, give the mitten, jamph, jilt, kick, lasslorn, leave (someone), let go, lovelorn, plaquer, reject (someone), sack, separate, sexual rejection, split up, stand (somebody) up, throw over, uncouple, walk out.


Jim Crow bed law, or jim crow bed law:

Enacted legislation (as of 1969, overturned wherever it had previously applied) that prohibits African-Americans from marrying white Americans; the outlawing of miscegenation.

Comments: "Jim Crow" is from a 19th-century stereotyping of African-Americans, which in turn might derive from the name of an actual person.

See also bed law, interracial marriage, miscegenation.

x law.

Jim Evans' poly pride flag:

See poly pride flag.

jizz mopper:

A person whose job duties include the cleaning up of ejaculate, as at a strip club or on a porn set.

Comment: Regarded by some as the worst job in the world, but there are plenty of contenders.

See also booth troll, clean-up duty, fluffer, sex worker.


Jealousy mechanism (q.v.).

x abbreviations and acronyms.

joc d'amor, or jòc d'amor (Occitan):

"Game of love"; sexual dalliance being spoken of in the imagery of sport.

See also amor, game of love, greatest game, juec d'amor.

x Occitan terms.


1. An athlete, especially a male athlete.

2. A virile human male, especially one who is sexually promiscuous.

3. Genitalia; usually (since the 19th century) a penis or, sometimes more specifically, a penis in its erect state.

Comment: In the first sense, the term often connotes such a person who enjoys a special status or who is perceived as arrogant, shallow, or unintelligent.

See also agapet, bimbo, Casanova, crumpet man, Don Juan, gallant, gay spark, God's gift to women, heartthrob, himbo, jock block (noun), jock block (verb), ladies' man, lover, lustworthy, macadam, macadamo, make-out artist, masher, multimitus, philanderer, playboy, rake, roué, satyr, skirt-chaser, slut, smellsmock, stud, vert galant, wolf, womanizer.


jock block, as in a jock block:

1. An action taken to obstruct or that serves to obstruct a potential hook up between a man and a man or a man and a woman.

2. A section -- as of a city, town, or school -- with a concentration of athletes.

3. Athleticism, muscularity, or anythng unwelcome that sometimes accompanies them -- such as arrogance, shallowness, lack of intelligence, or even gym odor -- as off-putting, especially with regard to romance.

See also alientation of affections, jock.

Quotation from the TV Sitcom, "Will & Grace," Illustrating "Jock Block"



WILL: Here's the thing: there's just a few sticking points in the Felner merger. I'm not at all happy with the contracts.

RICHARD: Well, fine. We'll get together sometime next week. Thanks, counselor. [RICHARD EXITS TO THE LOCKER ROOM.]

JACK: A little rusty, but I'm impressed. You still got the moves, Truman.

WILL: What are you talking about, crazy?

JACK: You know, swoopin' in with the old jock block.

WILL: The what?

JACK: The jock block, Will. Or, as they say south of the border, el jocko blocko. [SNAPS FINGERS.]

WILL: You're gonna have to help me here. I don't speak pidgin homo.

JACK: The jock block, Will. Helloooo! You saw me going for that guy, and you cut me off at the pass.

From the American TV sitcom, first broadcast by NBC: "Will & Grace," episode 1.19: "Will Works Out," written by Michael Patrick King & Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally; directed by James Burrows; transcript by Rob Durfee (Original airdate, April 22, 1999): scene 2; cf. scene 4.


  • Eric McCormack (as Will Truman)
  • Debra Messing (as Grace Adler)
  • Sean Hayes (as Jack McFarland)
  • Megan Mullally (as Karen Walker)

Guest cast:

  • Ben Reed (as Richard Keller)
  • Vanessa Giorgio (as woman in gym)

Source: Twiz TV.


jock block, as in jock blocking:

1. To obstruct, stop, or prevent somebody.

2. To obstruct a potential hook up between a man and a man or a man and a woman.

See also jock.



See Dear John letter.



1. To unite with; to link or add to, for instance, to add oneself to another.

2. To participate in the life of another; to involve oneself in another's activities, conversation, or thoughts.

See also cleave, conjoin, fish two together, marry, mate, splice, wed.

Quotation from Curt Leviant Illustrating "Joining"


[Aviva to Guido] "I'd love to read what you read." She hugged him. "Just tell me and I'll read. That's another way of me joining you."

From: Diary of an Adulterous Woman: A Novel: Including an ABC Directory That Offers Alphabetical Tidbits and Surprises, [by] Curt Leviant ([Syracuse, N.Y.]: Syracuse University Press, 2001; in series: Library of Modern Jewish Literature): p. 84.


joint custody:

Primary responsibility for the rearing of a child, as shared between divorced or legally separated parents per court order.

Comments: In some jurisdictions, such as the United States, a distinction is made between joint physical custody and joint legal custody. In joint physical custody, the child lives a significant amount of time with each parent, ordinarily in turns. By "significant amount of time" is meant more than visitation rights would ordinarily allow for, so perhaps 40% or more of "living with" time. In joint legal custody, the parents must make the major decisions regarding their child together and, to that end, both are to have access to the child's records, such as its medical and school records.

Joint custody often necessitates a continuing, coordinated, and collaborative parenting relationship between the responsible adults.

See also divorce, parent, separation, shared parenting.

x custody.

joint finances:

With regard to a relationship, the result of handling the assets of the partners, especially their money, as common property directly accessible by each of the partners, joint bank accounts being one of the common features of such an arrangement.

Contrast separate finances (q.v.).


joint konpa:

See goukon.


A female sweetheart, especially a mistress.

Comment: The suggestion has been made that "jomer" is related to the Italian word donna ("woman") and another suggestion that it is related to the Romany word, choomer ("a kiss").


For the donna suggestion, see: A Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English ..., [by] Eric Partridge (5th ed. New York: Macmillan, 1961): v. 1, p. 444.

For the choomer suggestion, see: The English Gipsies and Their Language, by Charles G. Leland (4th ed. London: Kegan Paul, Trench, Trübner, 1893): chapter 6, p. 96.

See also dona, mistress, sweetheart.

x Italian terms.
x Romany terms.


1. An advantageous possession or right.

2. Merriment, enjoyment, bliss, total ecstasy, complete joy, utter delight, pleasure especially on the part of the whole person.

3. The joy that subsists between lovers or that is the possession of at least one of the lovers, especially in the course of sexual relations; sexual ecstasy entailing both total access and total participation; unconditional self-surrender in the throes of sexual pleasure.

Comment: This is a word with a long history in both English and French.

Over the last several decades, this term, especially in a sexual sense, has played a significant role in French theoretical thought; and it has been differently nuanced by different writers, including Georges Bataille (1897-1962), Jacques Lacan (1901-1981), Luce Irigaray (b. 1932), Hélèn Cixous (b. 1937), and Julia Kristeva (b. 1941).

For a lexical example in French, see under "prude."

See also dissolution, f*ck-happy, incandescence, polyglow, shine, walk on air, walk on sunshine.

x French terms.

Quotations from Michael Lucey on Jouissance


[335] Bataille is one of the important theorists to advance the concept of jouissance, which became a mainstay of late-twentieth-century French thought about sexuality. Jouissance, a transgressive experience, an experience of the sacred, is the experience of the dissolution of the finite self at the moment of orgasm in an excess of sensation and mental imagery that cannot be redeemed, controlled, or organized by any social order -- even if the imagery itself represents all the controlling obsession of that very social order. Many later theorists of sexuality reworked this notion -- that the most intense sexual experience creates a moment where the social and psychological forms give way to an opennness whose various potentials remain to be worked out.


[336] Lacan's concept of jouissance resembles Bataille's, in that jouissance seems to be that part of sexuality that cannot be fully captured within language, an experience of a subject's exteriority... Jouissance is a concept that endeavors to account for something in the experience of sexuality that exceeds the sexual relation inaugurated by the regime of the phallus.

From: "Sexualities," [by] Michael Lucey, in: The Columbia History of Twentieth-Century French Thought, edited by Lawrence D. Kritzman; with the assistance of Brian Reilly and French articles translated by Malcolm DeBevoise (New York: Columbia University Press, c2006): pp. 334-337, specifically pp. 335, 336.


jouisseur (French):

A male libertine, sensualist, or voluptuary; a sexually liberated man.

See also eleutherophilist, hedonist, jouisseusse, libertine, noceur, voluptuary.

x French terms.

jouisseusse (French):

A female libertine, sensualist, or voluptuary; a sexually liberated woman.

See also eleutherophilist, hedonist, jouisseur, libertine, noceur, voluptuary.

x French terms.


A male who who has served as an witting or unwitting apprentice in the arts of love and, though not yet a master at them, is now sufficiently competent to go out and practice them on his own.

See also lover, prentice lover.



A female who who has served as an witting or unwitting apprentice in the arts of love and, though not yet a master at them, is now sufficiently competent to go out and practice them on her own.

Coined by me, June 2006, on analogy with "journeyman lover." But perhaps it already exists.

See also lover, prentice lover.


"Jove laughs at lovers' perjuries":

See lovers' perjuries.


An event, such as a wedding (perhaps most notably a wedding), canceled at the last moment, like a bell that has been rung but not fully swung.

Comment: Ringing but not fully swinging a bell is called jowing it.

See also cold feet, premarital nerves, runaway bride, runaway groom, wedding.

joyous craft:

The art of music and love combined.

Comments: "The joyous craft" is an English translation of a term -- namely, el gai saber -- associated with the troubadours of Provence (southeastern France) in the late Middle Ages. El gai saber can also be translated, "the joyous science."

Source: The historical novel, The Fool of Venus: The Story of Peire Vidal, by George Cronyn (New York: Covici-Friede, 1934): p. 435.

See also art of love, bad in bed, courtly love, GGG, good in bed, romance.

x gai saber.
x joyous science.
x Occitan terms.

joyous defeat:

The overcoming of character flaws in the interest of romance, or the story thereof.

Comment: This is cinema lingo, that is, a film term; and the joyous defeat is a staple of romantic comedies.

See also cute meet, jeune premier, jeune première, love scene, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, screen lovers, will-they-won't-they romance.


joyous science:

See joyous craft.


A special anniversary (q.v.), for instance, a 25th, 50th, 60th, or 75th wedding anniversary.

See also diamond jubilee, golden jubilee, sterling silver jubilee, wedding.



Prone to or characterized by judgmentalism (q.v.).

See also nonjudgmental, prudish, puritan, romance-intolerant, sexually negative.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Judgmental"

[Abigail Washburn narrating] A first impression of the woman [Melissa Ovumkoph], based only on the amount of flesh she chose to expose, would put her firmly in the trash category. But that would be judgmental, and I have made an effort to give that up ever since Lent.
From the mystery novel: The Glass Is Always Greener: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon, 2011): p. 16.


1. Either arrogation to oneself or a tendency to arrogate to oneself decisions about guilt or punishment or quality that are proper for others alone to decide, for instance, a judge, a jury, a supervisor, or God.

2. The thinking ill either of others or of somebody in particular, or the tendency to this; eagerness to assign blame.

3. The giving of personal criticism, especially in the form of moral condemnation, or the proneness to this.

4. The regarding of the behavior of another as offensive when it is hurtful to noone other than the author of the behavior, or the proneness to this.

5. The presumption that one is capable of rendering a worthy opinion about another person without "having walked in the other's shoes," as the figure of speech goes, especially when this presumption is accompanied by a distinctly unsympathetic stance.

6. The exceeding of one's own specific responsibilities with regard to the personal morality of other people.

7. The holding of opinions about the private lives and sexual relationships of other people, or the tendency to form them.

8. Either the measurement of or the tendency to measure the private lives and sexual relationships of other people according to an external moral standard, rather than according to what is workable for the principals involved.

9. Inability or unwillingness to transcend one's own biases and one's personal investment in an opinion in order to assess it neutrally.

See also judgmental, nonjudgmental, only-right-way-to-be syndrome, public character of sex, sex-negative stance, sexosophy, sexual bigotry, sexual morality, sexual shame, stigmatic guilt.



One who practices judgmentalism (q.v.).

See also alabaster, bluenose, Mrs. Grundy, prude, puritan, square, traditionalism, wowser.

judicial divorce:

Official termination of a civil marriage (q.v.) by a judge, who also decides the distribution of assets and child custody.

Observation: That a judge possesses state authority to terminate a marriage is a common element of statist philosophy.

See also divorce.


judicial separation:

A status decreed by a court in which the spouses cease to cohabitate and any control of one spouse over the other is terminated, but which leaves the marriage and property rights in full effect.

See also divorce, divorce a mensa et thoro, divorce from bed and board, limited divorce, separation.


juec d'amor (Occitan):

"Debate on love" : related poems that take different sides on an issue having to do with romance; a poem on love by one poet with a poetic counter ordinarily by another.

Comment: This is a literary term. However the term is sometimes used in a non-literary sense and in that sense is often translated "game of love," for which the more usual spelling is joc d'amor.

One of the most discussed passages containing the term is "Ben Vuelh," by Guillaume IX (1071-1127).


For text and English translation of "Ben Vuelh," plus a note on juec d'amor, see: Lyrics of the Troubadours and Trouvères: An Anthology and a History, translations and introductions by Frederick Goldin (Garden City, N.Y.: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1973; "Anchor Books"): pp. 34-35, §5:11.

See also amor, joc d'amor.

x debate on love.
x Occitan terms.

juggle hearts:

To attempt to cultivate or maintain two or more love relationships at a time.

Comment: Alternatively, "juggle men," "juggle relationships," or "juggle women."

Often the implication is that one runs a high risk of breaking one or more hearts.

See also heart, juggler, love more than one person at a time, polyamory.

x juggle men.
x juggle relationships.
x juggle women.


juggle men:

See juggle hearts.


1. Someone who skillfully keeps two or more objects continuously moving from hand to air, hand to air, by catching and tossing.

2. Someone who practices deception or fraud, for example, by "juggling" accounts. (For a lexical example from William Shakespeare, see under "thief of love.")

3. By analogy with the first definition, someone who is busy handling a multitude of duties and other high priorities where time pressures are such that the high priorities tend to encroach upon one another, as often happens, for instance, to adults in family life.

4. By analogy with the first definition and, in some cases, with overtones of the second, someone who has two or more lovers at the same time and who skillfully manages to keep them both or all, as the case may be, content at least much of the time.

5. By analogy with the first definition and, in some cases, with overtones of the second, someone who has responsibility for two or more families at the same time.

See also bigamist, collector, juggle hearts, lifestyler, lover, polyamorist.


juggle relationships:

See juggle hearts.

juggler family:

A family (q.v.) with children whose parents work outside the home or whose single parent works outside the home, in order to mke ends meet -- this in contrast to a traditional family with one parent as homemaker and another as breadwinner; a family in which any and all adults must be breadwinners, if possible.

Comment: Attributed to Karen Kornbluh.

See also breadwinner.

juggle women:

See juggle hearts.

Julia Roberts rule:

See "Pretty Woman" rule.


1. A man's female lover, especially one who has any characteristics, such as ardor, similar to those of the character of the same name in the play by William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet (1595).

2. A female who is in a relationship similar in any way to the relationship between the characters Romeo and Juliet in the aforementioned Shakespearean tragedy, for instance, a relationship that leads to the doom of the lovers.

See also ardor, Delilah, Don Juaness, dramatic lover, dulcinea, jeune première, leading lady, lothariette, lover, love scene, Mae West, Messalina, "Parting is such sweet sorrow," Romeo, star-crossed lovers, wertheritis.

x Shakespeare, William.


jump down:

To exit a relationship.

Source: Barrelhouse Words: A Blues Dialect Dictionary, [by] Stephen Calt (Urbana: University of Illinois Press, 2009): p. 140.

See also break up, walk out.

jump from lap to lap:

1. To change one's boyfriend or girlfriend frequently; to be inconstant in one's romantic attachments,

2. To be sexually promiscuous.

See also butterfly, date around, f*ck around, kitten, promiscuity, put it about, screw around, sleep around, womanize.

x lap to lap.


jump in the sack with:

Besides the literal meaning, to eagerly have sex with or to readily accept amorous advances.

See also coitus, jump into bed with, jump (somebody's) bones, sexual intercourse.

jump into bed with:

Besides the literal meaning, to eagerly have sex with or to readily accept amorous advances.

See also coitus, jump in the sack with, jump (somebody's) bones, sexual intercourse.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Better Than Sex"

[Abigail Timberlake narrating] Don't get me wrong. I am not sex crazed like my mama. Greg and I have been dating less than a year, and we're building on our relationship slowly. I am not about to just jump into bed with a man because I feel lonely now and again.
From the mystery novel: The Ming and I: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 1997): chapter 3, p. 20.

jump off the dock:

To get married.

Source: Sea Slang of the Twentieth Century: Royal Navy, Merchant Navy, Yachtsmen, Fishermen, Bargemen, Canalmen, Miscellaneous, by Wilfred Granville; introduction and etymologies by Eric Partridge (New York: Philosophical Library, 1950): p.48.

See also bundle man, fit double clews, hen frigate, marry, sloping billet.


jump over the broomstick:

To take a spouse without formal ceremony or legal proceedings.

Brewer explains: "A 'brom' is the bit of a bridle; to 'jump the brom' is to skip over the marriage restraint, and 'broomstick' is a mere corruption." Thus phallic and Wiccan associations would seem to be preempted.


Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, Giving the Derivation, Source, or Origin of Common Phrases, Allusions, and Words That Have a Tale to Tell, by E. Cobham Brewer (New edition, revised, corrected, and enlarged; to which is added a concise bibliography of English literature. Philadelphia: Henry Altemus, c1898): p. 692.

See also besom wedding, broomstick-marriage, handfasting, jump the besom, jump the broom, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, marry, marry over the broomstick.


jump (somebody's) bones:

1. To have sexual intercourse with (a person), especially to have it in a position in which one can be vigorously active.

2. To aggressively initiate sexual intercourse with (a person).

Comments: The term goes back at least to 1965 in the form, "jump on (somebody's) bones." In the first recorded usage (see below), the "somebody" was female; however, in general usage the "somebody" can be either male or female.

Long before 1965, the phrase, "jump on (somebody's) bones," had meant, figuratively, "to stomp on (a person)" or, literally, "to stomp on the skeletal remains of (a person)"; and it still does. The phrase, "jump (somebody's) bones" -- without the word "on" -- now distinguishes the sexual senses from the stomping sense.

Incidentally, the slang term, "boner," in the sense of "erect penis," emerged in print within a year or two after "jump on (somebody's) bones" and appears to have a separate history, except that some speakers fuse the imagery.

See also coitus, copulate, fornicate, jump in the sack with, jump into bed with, make love to, sexual advances, sexual intercourse, take liberties, throw (oneself) at (somebody).

Quotation from Esquire Illustrating "Jumped on Her Bones"

When you slept with a girl you got into her panties while the prosperous teenager jumped on her bones.
From: Esquire; 1965, part 2 (= v. 64??): one of the unpaged pages. <I've examined a snippet view only.>

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Jumped Buford's Bones"

[Abigail Timberlake narrating] ... sometimes a gal just has to do what a gal has to do. I realize now that is a lame excuse, and probably the same one Tweetie used the first time she jumped Buford's bones -- or he hers -- but that's how it was.
From the mystery novel: Nightmare in Shining Armor: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2001): chapter 25, p. 247.

jump steady:

1. To dance, although specifically how is uncertain -- perhaps frequently or with endurance or perhaps with the same partner over and over.

2. With regard to the blues song by Lucille Bogan, "Jump Steady Daddy" (1935), there's a divergence of opinion regarding the meaning of the term:

Comment: When I listen to Lucille Bogan here, I am left in doubt as to both of the suggested meanings. Here are the lyrics as I hear them:
Jump steady, daddy [or, Jump-steady daddy];
Please take your time. (repeat lines)
You got a year and a day
To satisfy my mind.

Love me, daddy;
Love me all the time. (repeat lines)
And if you love me like I tell you,
You'll be the jump-steady man of mine.

Jump-steady got to jumping,
jumping in the room (repeat lines)
And I got crazy about him,
'Cause he could strut his stuff.

Now when jump-steady starts to jumping,
He does it slow.
He goes from the top down to the floor.
Ooh, just can't let him go;
'Cause he jumps better
than any man that I know.

He don't work on no rock pile,
He don't tote no slag. (repeat lines)
And the way he jumps steady,
It's just too bad.
The noun "jump steady," meaning "bootleg whiskey," doesn't seem to be of any help in deciphering the lyrics. However, there is the expression (which I've observed in a nautical context), "keep on the jump steady," which means "be always on the alert; be constantly at the ready." I'd suggest that the lyrics are playing off both the "constantly at the ready" sense -- constantly at the ready to give some loving (which fits with the second verse, "Love me, Daddy | Love me all the time") -- and the "dance" sense (which fits with the third and fourth verses). The "dance" sense may yet be a metaphor for sexual intercourse.


Juba to Jive: A Dictionary of African-American Slang, edited and with an introduction by Clarence Major (New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1994): p. 266.
Barrelhouse Words: A Blues Dialect Dictionary, [by] Stephen Calt (Urbana: University of Illinois Press, 2009): p. 140.
For another transcription of the lyrics, see Pre-War Blues Lyric Poetry: an Anthology (c2004) here.  Apparently compiled by Michael Taft; Webmaster T. G. Lindh.
For a lexical example  of "jump steady" in the nautical context I mentioned, see: "Racing Sandbaggers," by C. H. Chapman, Outing; v. 28 (May, 1896): pp. 114-120, specifically p. 116.

See also coitus, copulate, make love to, sexual intercourse.

jump the besom:

To jump over the broomstick, that is, to marry informally.

Comment: A besom is a broom, especially one made with a bundle of twigs.

See also besom wedding, broomstick-marriage, handfasting, jump over the broomstick, jump the broom, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, marry, marry over the broomstick.


jump the broom:

To marry informally.

See also besom wedding, broomstick-marriage, handfasting, jump over the broomstick, jump the besom, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, marry, marry over the broomstick.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Jump the Broom"

[Lilah Greene] "Samson was a house slave who jumped the broom with Rebecca, a kitchen girl." By that she meant the pair had gotten married, slave-style.

From the mystery novel: The Ming and I: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 1997): chapter 8, p. 66.

jump the grenade:

To "sacrifice" oneself on behalf of one's companions by hooking up with the least attractive person among a group of friends, so that one's companions will have a better chance to hook up with the others, since those others will be less concerned about leaving anyone out.

Comment: In the military, sometimes a soldier with throw himself on a live grenade in order to save his or her fellow soldiers, hence the metaphor.

At times, "throw oneself on the grenade" is the expression used. "Jump" has a more sexual connotation.

Example: "Come on, take one for the team and jump the grenade."

See also grenade, grenade jumper.

x throw (oneself) on the grenade.

jungle love:

Attraction or a love relationship or sexual relations insofar as any of the preceding is or are associated with freedom from social conventions, disregard of social conventions, or wildness more generally, for instance:

Comment: The term sometimes lends itself to racist or condescending usage, for instance when applied to a relationship between a person of a so-called "civilized race" and a person of a so-called "primitive race."

See also animalistic, attraction, country marriage, jezebel, love, love relationship, Mandingo, mudshark, native tail, "Once you go black, you never go back," racial commingling, wild.

Junior Anti-Sex League:

1. A fictional organization for the repression of the sex instinct society-wide, an organization which plays a significant role in the dystopian novel by George Orwell, 1984 (1949).

2. By way of allusion, any social organization that resembles the preceding in purpose.

See also abstinence, aterpist, bluenose, celibacy, Mrs. Grundy, puritan, sex-negative stance, sexual bigotry, wowser.

x Anti-Sex League.

Quotation from George Orwell Illustrating "Junior Anti-Sex League"


The aim of the Party was not merely to prevent men and women from forming loyalties which it might not be able to control. Its real, undeclared purpose was to remove all pleasure from the sexual act. Not love so much as eroticism was the enemy, inside marriage as well as outside it... The only recognized purpose of marriage was to beget children for the service of the Party. Sexual intercourse was to be looked on as a slightly disgusting minor operation, like having an enema. This again was never put into plain words, but in an indirect way it was rubbed into every Party member from childhood onwards. There were even organizations such as the Junior Anti-Sex League which advocated complete celibacy for both sexes. All children were to be begotten by artificial insemination (artsem, it was called in Newspeak) and brought up in public institutions. This, Winston [Smith] was aware, was not meant altogether seriously, but somehow it fitted in with the general ideology of the Party. The Party was trying to kill the sex instinct, or, if it could not be killed, then to distort it and dirty it.

From: 1984 : A Novel, by George Orwell (New York:, N.Y.: New American Library, 1950, c1949; "A Signet book"; 798): chapter 1:6, p. 52. Originally published under title: Nineteen Eighty-four. First British edition: London: Secker & Warburg, 1949. First American edition: New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1949.

Cover art, signed Alan Hamar (or Harper?), from a copy of the 4th printing, February, 1951, in the library of Norman Elliott Anderson. Photographed by me, August 19, 2009. For a scanned image of another copy, click here.

junior high sweetheart:

See high school sweetheart.


junior husband:

In a polyandrous or group marriage and relative to either another husband or all husbands, a male partner who has been in the marriage for less time or who is the younger or who is inferior in family rank.

See also concurrent husband, group marriage, husband, polyandrist, second husband, senior husband.


junior wife:

In a polygynous or group marriage and relative to either another wife or all wives, a female partner who has been in the marriage for less time or who is the younger or who is inferior in family rank.

See also concurrent wife, lesser wife, nirimoua, plural wife, polygynist, secondary wife, second wife, senior wife.


junky, or junkie:

See attraction junky, NRE junky, romance junky.

See also addict.


See mea Iuno.


"Jupiter laughs at lovers' perjuries":

See lovers' perjuries.

jus connubii (Latin):

See ius connubii.


jus mariti (Latin):

See ius mariti.


jus primae noctis (Latin):

See ius primae noctis.


just friends:

1. Individuals, usually two, who know and like each other, but who are not directly involved with each other sexually -- especially such individuals of different sexes or of complementary sexual orientation.

2. Individuals, usually two, who know and like each other, but who are not directly involved with each other sexually or pursuing a committed love relationship, even though at least one is in love with the other.

3. Friends with benefits who do not consider their relationship to be an impediment to one of them forming a love relationship with another person.

Comment: "Let's just be friends" is abbreviated LJBF.

See also amicable break-up, Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, cuddle bitch, friend, friend with benefits, friend zone, heterosexual friendship, intellectual whore, JGF, kiss of death, LJBF, male-female friendship.


just good friends:

See JGF.

just married:

Recently wed.

Comment: Sometimes used on signs attached to the cars of newlyweds.

See also newly wed.

just not that into (you):

See into (someone).

just sex:

1. A general characteristic of either females or males.

2. That to which various human behaviors can be reduced, namely the biological drive to mate.

3. Erotically evocative and little or nothing more.

4. Sexual attraction as distinguished from other feelings, such as affection.

5. Coitus and other erotic activity, without some added element, for instance:

Comment: Commonly used in the last sense ("coitus without the passions of love") to deny emotional infidelity and, at the same time, to downplay the significance of physical infidelity, as in, "It was just sex." This presumes, on the part of the person who uses the expression, the separability of sex and love.

There are many variations of the expression, and some modify the sense, for example:

See also attraction, emotional infidelity, loveless sex, physical infidelity, sex.

x "It was just sex."

Quotation from Eleanor Hallowell Abbott Illustrating "Just Sex"

"When a girl is twenty, I tell you," persisted the Older Man -- "there's not one marrying man among us -- Heaven help us! -- who can swear whether her charm is Love's own permanent food or just Nature's temporary bait! At twenty, I tell you, there's not one man among us who can prove whether vivacity is temperament or just plain kiddishness; whether sweetness is real disposition or just coquetry; whether tenderness is personal discrimination or just sex; whether dumbness is stupidity or just brain hoarding its immature treasure; whether indeed coldness is prudery or just conscious passion banking its fires! The dear daredevil sweetheart whom you worship at eighteen will evolve, likelier than not, into | a mighty sour prig at forty; and the dovegray lass who led you to church with her prayer-book ribbons twice every Sunday will very probably decide to go on the vaudeville stage -- when her children are just in the high school; and the dull-eyed wallflower whom you dodged at all your college dances will turn out, ten chances to one, the only really wonderful woman you know! But at thirty! Oh, ye gods, Barton! If a girl interests you at thirty you 'll be utterly mad about her when she's forty -- fifty -- sixty! If she's merry at thirty, if she's ardent, if she's tender, it's her own established merriment, it's her own irreducible ardor, it's her -- Why, man alive! Why -- why --"

From the novel: Little Eve Edgarton, by Eleanor Hallowell Abbott; with illustrations by R. M. Crosby (New York: Century Co., 1914): chapter 1, pp. 17-18.

Quotation from Eleanor Hallowell Abbott Illustrating "Just Sex"

"Wait longer," she [Mary] murmured; "it's more than just sex with us..."

From the novel: Our House, by Henry Seidel Canby (New York: Macmillan, 1919): book 3, chapter 4, p. 245.

Quotation from Bertrand W. Sinclair Illustrating "Just Sex"

[Lawanne] "... And also I was never quite sure that what I felt for her [Myra] was sympathy, or affection, or just sex. I know I can scarcely bear to think that she is dead."

From the novel: The Hidden Places, by Bertrand W. Sinclair; with frontispiece by Marshall Frantz (Boston: Little, Brown, 1922): chapter 21, p. 302.

just the sex talking:

See sex talking.

juva, or juvali (Romany):

1. Woman.

2. Wife.

Comment: This term is part of the recorded vocabulary of English Gypsies.

Source: Romano Lavo-Lil: Word-Book of the Romany or, English Gypsy Language ..., by George Borrow (London: John Murray, 1905, prefatory note dated 1873): p. 38.

See also manushi, mort, woman, wife.

x Romany terms.


See kate.


See kalleh.

kalleh (Yiddish):

1. A bride.

2. A recently married woman, especially a young one.

3. A daughter-in-law (teasingly).

Comments: Also spelled kale and kolleh.

Generally implied is beauty; for, as the House of Hillel argued, any bride may be called "a beautiful and graceful bride" (Talmud Bavli, Ketubot 17a).

See also bride, human beauty, -in-law.

x kale.
x kolleh.
x Yiddish terms.

kama, or kāma (Sanskrit):

Erotic love, desire, and sensuality.

See also erotic love, love, sexual desire.

x Sanskrit terms.


See karmic connection, relationship karma.

karmic connection:

A relationship that is formed with someone with whom one has issues to resolve from a past life.

Comments: Also called a karmic relationship.

The metaphysics -- karma and a past life -- derive in part from Hinduism. (Incidentally, many people regard past lives and karma as myths.)

The theory is that one is by nature drawn to persons with whom one has issues to resolve from a past life. Issues may include, for example, deep-seated conflict, an unfulfilled obligation, or an enduring emotion, such as fear or anger. Furthermore, the theory is that connections made with such people are about opportunity for mutual personal growth, in part by working through those issues.

In some models, soul mates are a subset of those with whom one is capable of having a karmic connection: A soul mate is, in part, someone with whom one successfully resolves those issues.

See also attraction, connection, relationship karma, relationship, soul mate.

x karma.
x karmic relationship.
x myths.

karmic relationship:

See karmic connection.


To have sexual desire, said of a cat or, metaphorically, of a person.

Comment: Variant spellings include "cait," "cate," and "kaid."

Source: An Etymological Dictionary of the Scottish Language ..., by John Jamieson (A new ed., carefully revised and collated, with the entire supplement incorporated, by John Longmuir and David Donaldson. Paisley: Alexander Gardner, 1879-1882): v. 3 (1880), p. 6.

See also animalistic, bream, clicket, eassin, go to his towrus, horny, in heat, lust, randy, sexual desire.

x cait.
x cate.
x kaid.


Lure of the animal, attributed to a crude man to whom women are powerfully drawn; animal magnetism or charisma as detected by women, characteristic of some unpolished men.

Coinage: The American TV sitcom, "Seinfeld," Season 5, Episode 72 (or 75?), "The Conversion," written by Bruce Kirschbaum, directed by Tom Cherones (first aired, December 16, 1993). The word is put into the mouth of a Latvian priest, but apparently it is not a true Latvian word.

See also allure, attraction, charm, chemistry, chick magnet, je ne sais quoi, kuzbu, magnetism, sex appeal, shiksappeal, string, X-appeal, x-factor, za za zoo.



See man-keen, woman-keen.

keep (a person):

1. To maintain a relationship with (a person).

2. To provide for the board, room, and other expenses of (a person, such as a lover).

See also cheaper to keep her, keeper, keeperess, kept man, kept woman.

Quotation from Rita Mae Brown Illustrating "Keep"


[Carrie, to her lesbian step-daughter, Molly Bolt] "Now see, it don't make sense for you to want women. No woman's gonna keep you. You go out there and marry some man and he'll keep you. You'll have money then. You'll be sorry. There's no security with a woman."

From the novel: Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown (Fifteenth anniversary ed. Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1988): chapter 17, p. 188. Originally published: Plainfield, Vt.: Daughters, Inc., 1973.


keep company with (someone):

1. To have (a particular person) as a friend.

2. To have (a particular person) as a lover.

Comment: In the second sense, a euphemism.

See also friend, lover.

x company.


1. A person one may have a chance to have and would like to have as a mate, as in, "He (or she) is a keeper."

2. A lover or mate one intends to hold on to permanently.

3. A person who provides for the board, room, and other expenses of a lover. If this person is distinguished from a keeperess, then the person is a man.

See also keep, keeperess, kept man, kept woman, love interest, lover, mate.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Keeper"

[Abigail Timberlake to Wynnell, regarding Wynnell's husband, Ed] "Ed doesn't want Tweetie -- not really, and I daresay she doesn't want him."

[Wynnell] "But then why did he sleep with her?"

"Ask him. Maybe he was feeling lonely."

Wynnell nodded slowly. "Maybe. I haven't exactly been there for him lately -- if you know what I mean."

"Spare me the details, please, but yes, I do know."

"That still doesn't make it right."

"Of course not. Ed's a skunk. " I counted to three. "But he's still a keeper."
From the mystery novel: Nightmare in Shining Armor: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2001): chapter 5, p. 42.



A woman who provides for the board, room, and other expenses of a lover.

See also keep, keeper, kept man, kept woman.


keep government out of the bedroom:

See get government out of the bedroom.

keep her barefoot and pregnant:

See barefoot and pregnant.


See cully.

keep it in your pants:

An expression to the effect of advising a person to keep his or her horniness in check.

Comment: Typically used in response to an overtly sexual remark or to flirtatious behavior.

This expression, as used in this sense, goes back at least to the 1970s and probably to the 1950s or earlier.

See also can't keep it in (his) pants, horniness, it.

x pants.

keep on a stringer:

See stringer.


keep on the string:

See string.


keep safe what (one is) to (somebody):

To preserve one's affection for somebody and/or to remain committed to preserving that person's place in one's life relationally; to remain committed to a relationship and to maintain certain essential elements of the relationship.

Comment: The phrase is often used as a way of indicating a type of faithfulness, one that is not required to meet an expectation of sexual or emotional exclusivity or one that allows for major distractions from the relationship.

See also affection, arrangement, faithfulness, fidelity, relationship commitment, sexual non-exclusivity.

x what (one is) to (somebody).

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Keep Safe What I Am To Him"

[Teresa] "... What I am to Ramón, I am. And what he is to me, he is. I do not care what he does. If he is away from me, he does as he | wishes. So long as he will always keep safe what I am to him."
From the novel: The Plumed Serpent (Quetzalcoatl), by D. H. Lawrence (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1926): chapter 25, pp. 409-410.

keep (someone) happy in bed:

To be and to make oneself wonderfully suitable for a person sexually by bringing a pleasurable and wholly cooperative and participatory attitude towards sexual relations, by meeting his or her sexual needs, by satisfying and helping to satisfy his or her erotic desires, by keeping oneself attractive for him or her, and by engaging in routine interchange with that person that, rather than pushing away, keeps him or her interested -- all this accomplished in such a way that she or he will feel blessed and not want to leave or be easily tempted to stray into sexual relations with others that one would have off-limits.

Comment: Note the multiple aspects, including relational and attitudinal aspects, not just physical aspects.

See also be there for (someone), bliss, conjugal felicity, domestic happiness, get enough at home, happy marriage, husbandly duty, levament, marital duty, post-coital bliss, put out, sexual compatibility, sexual partnering, take care of (someone), wifely duty.

x bed.
x happy.

kept man:

A man whose keep -- that is, board, room, and other expenses -- is provided for by a lover to whom he is not married; especially an adult human male who is finacially supported by a woman not his wife, parent, or guardian.

Comment: The term is often used in a derogatory way to imply both male prostitution and social failure relative to the masculine expectation of non-dependence.

See also cavaliere servante, cicisbeo, cully, fancy man, gigolo, gold digger, high maintenance, keep, keeper, keeperess, leman, lover, male concubine, other terms than marriage, partner, prostitute, sanky panky, sugar mama.


kept woman:

A woman whose keep — that is, board, room, and other expenses — is provided for by a lover to whom she is not married; an adult human female who is financially supported by a man not her husband, parent, or guardian.

Comments: Also called a kept mistress or, rarely now, a kept wench.

The term is often used in a derogatory way to imply prostitution, that is, sex in exchange for money or other material benefit.

See also boopsie, cocotte, concubine, courtesan, demimondaine, demimonde, demirep, fancy woman, gold digger, hetaera, high maintenance, keep, keeper, keeperess, leman, lover, mistress, other terms than marriage, partner, pellicacy, poplolly, prostitute, sugar baby, sugar daddy.


Kestos (Greek):

See Aphrodite's girdle, girdle of Venus.


ketubbah; plural, ketuboth (Hebrew):

1. A marriage deed, especially one kept in the possession of a wife in a Jewish marriage.

2. Under the title of Ketuboth, the second tractate in order Nashim of the Mishnah and the complementary talmudic literature (Tosephta, Talmud Yerushalmi, and Talmud Bavli) regarding the Hebrew Law on marriage deeds.

See also kiddushim.

x Hebrew terms.


ketuuneraareic (Eskimo, Inuit):

A localized family grouping, consisting of those who choose to live together in one house and who call each other by kinship terms.

Source: "Spouse-Exchange among the North Alaskan Eskimo," [by] Robert F. Spencer, in: Marriage, Family, and Residence, edited by Paul Bohannan and John Middleton (1968): pp. [131]-144, specifically p. 132.

See also household, kinship.

x Eskimo terms.


key club:

A group that meets from time to time for mate swapping.

See also intermarital sex, key game, key party, mate swapping, sex club, swap club, swing club, swinging, switch club.

x club.

Quotation from Terry Gould Illustrating "Key Club"


It was the [U.S. Air Force] pilots who first defied the officer tradition of keeping their wives monogamously at home while they philandered about town. It was the pilots and their wives who invented the term "key club," which was unknown in the forties, became widely known in the fifties and sixties, and then was forgotten until the 1997 film about suburban swingers, The Ice Storm. It remains unconfirmed whether airmen actually threw keys in a hat, their wives then randomly choosing one and making love with the owner.

From: The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, [by] Terry Gould (Buffalo, N.Y.: Firefly Books, c1999): p. 30.


key game:

A recreational activity in which keys of participants are drawn from a container by other participants, usually of the opposite sex, to see who will enjoy whom as a temporary sex partner.

See also key club, key party.

x games.


key of love:

See master-key of love.

key party:

A social gathering in which keys of attendees are drawn from a container by other attendees, usually of the opposite sex, to see who will leave with whom as a temporary sex partner.

Comment: Such parties are especially associated with mate swapping (q.v.).

See also choli marg, key club, key game, sex party, swing party.

x party.



1. Crazy about GIs; desirous of seeking out men in military uniform and bedding them.

2. As a substantive: A young woman who seeks out men in military uniform; a military groupie.

Comment: A term associated with World War II.

So called because the color of many American military uniforms was khaki, that is, olive brown.

See also GI groupie, good-time charlotte, V-girl, victory girl.

kick, as in "She kicked him":

To jilt (a person).

See also jilt.

kick for a man (or woman), as in "I'm kicking for a man":

1. To dance for somebody.

2. To be eager to find a partner of the sex indicated.

See also anutaphobia, azygophrenia, desperate, itchy ring finger, look for a man, look for a woman, man, man-hungry, need a man (or a woman), sex-starved, single, Torschlusspanik, unhappily single, wedding bell blues, woman, woman-hungry.

kiddushim or kiddushin (Hebrew):

1. Betrothal (q.v.); the first stage in a Jewish wedding, that which creates a formal marital tie between a man and a woman.

2. Under the title of Kiddushin, the seventh tractate in order Nashim of the Mishnah and the complementary talmudic literature (Tosephta, Talmud Yerushalmi, and Talmud Bavli) regarding the Hebrew Law on betrothals.

See also agunah, erusin, get, halitzah, hatunnah, ketubbah, levirate marriage, maamar, marriage, m'anenet, mohar, nedunyah, niddah, nissuim, shadkahn, shtille khuppeh, sotah, wedding, yebamah, yibbum.

x Hebrew terms.


kilingajuq (Eskimo, Inuktitut):

A man who is required to follow customary rules when with his pregnant wife, such as abstaining from raw meat.

Source: Interviewing Inuit Elders. Volume 1, Introduction, [by] Saullu Nakasuk ... [et al.]; edited by Jarich Oosten & Frédéric Laugrand (Iqaluit, Nunavut: Nunavut Arctic College, c1999): p. 25.

See also kiniqsiiniq.

x Eskimo terms.

kill the feeling for each other:

To bring about a cessation of the emotions associated with either affection for or being in love with a person.

Comment: There are many variations on the phrase, for instance, "deaden the feelings for one another."

See also alienation of affections, death spiral of a relationship, estranged, failed marriage, failed relationship, fall out of love, feeling for, razbliuto, relationship obit, thief of love, unlove, where things went wrong for (us).

x deaden the feelings for one another.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "Killed Our Feeling for Each Other"


[Luise] "Don't you dare to call me mine kaer [Danish for "My dear"]! How have you the face to? I'm beginning to hate you."

[Otto] "Ah, that's not so nice. But I told you that accident had killed our feeling for each other."

From the Gothic novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 10, p. 139. For mine kaer, see chapter 1, p. 21.

kindled to one another:

To be in a state of continually sparking in each other an intensification of awareness, a meaningful engagement with the stream of life, and fruitful passion, all while existing together in a glow of mutual love.

See also Cupid's torch, Cyprian torch, have the hots for, incandescence, kindle the fire of love, light of (one's) life, light (someone's) fire, love, rekindled romance, rekindle the flame, slow-burn romance, spark of love, torchy.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Kindled to One Another"


All that mattered was that he [Will Brangwen] should love her [Anna Brangwen, his wife] and she should love him and they should live kindled to one another, like the Lord in two burning bushes that were not consumed. And so they lived for the time.

From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 6, pp. 140.


kindle the fire of love:

To initiate, by some means, passion or devotion.

See also Cupid's torch, Cyprian torch, kindled to one another, light (someone's) fire, love, rekindled romance, rekindle the flame, slow-burn romance, spark of love.

x fire of love.

Quotation from Thomas Jefferson Hogg Illustrating "Kindle the Fire of Love"

He [Shelley] sometimes described with a curious fastidiousness the | qualities, which a female must possess, to kindle the fire of love in his bosom: the imaginative youth supposed that he was to be moved by the most absolute perfection alone.

From: The Life of Percy Bysshe Shelley, by Thomas Jefferson Hogg; with an introduction by Edward Dowden and an index (London: George Routledge; New York: E. P. Dutton, 1906; in series: The London Library): pp. 78-79.

A Postcard Illustrating "Fire ... kindled"

<Picture of postcard not yet posted..>

Romantic "post card," with white borders and in landscape format, showing a young red-headed woman being embraced by a man, both on a loveseat in the light of an unseen fire, with caption: "When the fire is kindled" (London, E.C.: Carlton Publishing Co., [191-?]; Series no. 672/2). The artist's signature reads: La May. From the author's collection, scanned <on such and such a date>.

kinds of relationship:

See five kinds of relationship.


kingdom of love:

See Reich der Liebe, royaume d'amour.

king of hearts:

See group sex. 

king of (one's) heart:

1. A man who holds the dominant position in (a person's) affections.

2. In the form "king of my heart," sometimes a term of endearment.

Comment: Often implied in either sense is considerable influence over one's decisions and, indeed, over one's life.

See also dulia, heart, husband worship, queen of (one's) heart, term of endearment.

king of the mountain:

See group sex. 

kiniqsiiniq (Eskimo, Inuktitut):

Observance, on the part of a man, of customary rules for when his wife is having her menstrual period.

Source: Interviewing Inuit Elders. Volume 1, Introduction, [by] Saullu Nakasuk ... [et al.]; edited by Jarich Oosten & Frédéric Laugrand (Iqaluit, Nunavut: Nunavut Arctic College, c1999): p. 132.

See also kilingajuq, menstruant as forbidden, niddah.

x Eskimo terms.


1. A twist or tight curl.

2. A bend, especially an unwanted one.

3. A cramp.

4. A design flaw.

5. A bizarre preference.

6. A sexual preference that is out of the ordinary.

See also kinky, perversion, RACK, YKINMK, YKINOK, YKINOKism, YKIOK,IJNMK.


1. Twisted or tightly curled.

2. Bent, especially in an unwanted way.

3. Cramping.

4. Characterized in part by design flaws.

5. Bizarre.

6. Sexually out of the ordinary as a preference.

Comments: In the last sense, the word "kinky" may be understood in absolute terms, as is often the case when applied to sexual fetishes or to BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism); it may be understood relative to the common sexual preferences of the public at large in a given time and place; or it may be understood relative to what the speaker considers ordinary for him or herself or for his or her own social circle. It is perhaps most commonly used in reference to sexual practices, but it is sometimes used of relationships as well. In some contexts, one might even find the term applied to asexuality, heterosexual monogamy, or (as in the quotation below) long-term relationships.

Generally the term, in the last sense, is used non-pejoratively; and when so it would ordinarily exclude reference to criminal or other harmful behavior.

Substantive form: kinkiness.

Contrast straight (q.v.) and vanilla (q.v.). See also kink, perverse, queer, sexuality.


Quotation from Tanith Lee Illustrating "Kinky"


[The "autobiographer" narrating] Oh well, perhaps she [the autobiographer's female maker] was more tolerant now that she was a male most of the time. I couldn't recall when she'd last been female. Probably not since my post hypno-school period, when the two of them [the autobiographer's makers] decided to set up home and include me. Usually people don't bother about staying together, but my makers had always been pretty kinky.

From the science fiction novel: Don't Bite the Sun, [by] Tanith Lee  (New York, N.Y.: Donald A. Wollheim, 1976; "Daw Books"; UE1486): part 1, chapter 5, p. 30. The novel is in the form of an autobiographical account.

Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale:

See sexual orientation.



1. Family relatedness as defined by a given family's internal and internalized culture. Generally relatedness is through blood (sharing a common ancestor), marriage, sexual intercourse, or adoption. Kinship usually entails an expectation of some degree of family loyalty, so long as members are not estranged or abused; thus, for example, kinship typically makes for easy entré and ready assistance.

2. A soulful connection, as though from the same family of souls.

See also adoption, affinity, agnate, alliance, be family to (someone), blood brother, clan, close, cognate, communion, compatibility, connaturality, consanguinity, co-parent, couplancestors, cunhadismo, diagramming kinshp ties, enate, endogamy, exogamy, family, forbidden degrees, generation, half-brother, half-sibling, half-sister, incest, in-law, -in-law, ketuuneraareic, laotong, limited polygyny, lover-in-law, made for each other, marriage, match made in heaven, mekhuteneste, mekhutn, mekhutonim, Miss Right, Mister Right, monogenism, Ms. Right, mystic marriage, natural affinity, nirimoua, play uncle, poly connected, qatang, secondary incest, seeble, sexual connection, sexual taboo, sibred, sitike, soceraphobia, soul mate, spiritual connection, spiritual intimacy, step-, tribe, uncle, water brother, Westermarck effect, Westermarck hypothesis, Westermarck trap.

Some related terms beyond the scope of this glossary: ancestor, aunt, bloodline, brother, cousin, daughter, descendant, father, first cousin, genetic heritage, grand-, gravid, great-, humankind, inbreeding, mother, multigravida, nearomatria, once removed, primapara, proamita, quatercousin, quatrayle, rapport, second cousin, sister, son, syngenesophobia, tresayle, tritavia, tritavus, twice removed, wistelkiya.


Kiowa Apache language:

See Plains Apache language.

kipuktu (Eskimo, Inuktun, Natsilingmiutut dialect):

Wife exchange.

Source: The Netsilik Eskimo, [by] Asen Balikci (Prospect Heights, Ill.: Waveland Press, c1970): p. 141.

See also aypareet, simmixsuat, wife exchange.

x Eskimo terms.


Kiriwinian terms:

See bukumatula, sunasova.



See cuddle and kiss, C.Y.K., HAKxx, H&K, KOTL, post-traumatic kiss syndrome, "Pretty Woman" rule, smoocher, spark, SWAK, SWALK, VX, XOXO, tap.

"kiss and make up":

To use a physical sign of affection as a means of putting an end to being alienated from or otherwise at odds with one another.

Comment: In the New England culture in which I grew up, the physical sign of reconciliation was (and still is) a handshake, except between a man and a woman who were intimate with one another, in which case it was a kiss.

The saying dates back at least to 1823. The related saying, "kiss and be good friends," dates back at least to circa 1300.

See also go back to (someone), make-up sex, reconcile, take (someone) back.

x make up.

Quotation from "F" Illustrating "Kiss and Make Up"


Such was Catharine B. [age three]. She had attracted much attention, but she took particular pleasure in pursuing her little sports with Charles [Sedgwick, age 16]; and he, ardent in his disposition, and strong in his attachments, soon became so delighted with his little companion, that they were seldom separated. She was different from all other company; so void of ceremony, and constrained politeness, and cold conversation, that time flew on golden wings when they were sporting together; and they laughed and romped away the hours without a sign of tedium. There was no hypocrisy in her bosom, or no concealment of sentiment; it was not | sacrilcgc to touch her lip; if he told her she did not love him, her little blue eyes would fill with tears, even at the doubting of her affection; and when he would fold her to his bosom, ask her to kiss and make up, her beautiful lip was put forth, her arms flung affectionately around his neck, she would clamber on his knee -- and they were friends again.

From the short story, "The Storm," [signed] F., in:  The New-York Mirror, and Ladies' Literary Gazette; v. 1, no. 16 (November 15, 1823): pp. 125-126.

Sheet Music Illustrating "Kiss and Make Up"

<Picture of sheet music not yet posted>

Kiss and Make Up, words by Maude Marcotte; music by Jack Stanley (Washington, D.C.: H. Kirkus Dugdale Co., c1912). From the author's collection, scanned <on such and such a date>.


kiss-and-make-up sex:

See make-up sex.

kiss and tell:

1. To expose the fact that one has engaged in sexual activity with a particular person, especially if that person wants that fact kept quiet.

2. To reveal information that one has gained by way of a privileged relationship.

Comment: "I don't kiss and tell" is a principle commonly enunciated by those in clandestine sexual encounters. On the other hand, for those in open relationships, "to kiss and tell" is sometimes an expectation.

See also absolute code; ask-and-tell eroticism; break-up rules; code; code of discretion; code of silence; discreet; don't ask, don't tell; lie about sex; mettere in piazza; open-marriage pact, open-relationship pact; polycy; rules of adultery; tell all.


Kissinger syndrome:

1. A phenomenon or trait reminscent of American diplomat Henry Kissinger (b. 1923).

2. In matters of attraction, more particularly the aphrodisiac effect of power.

See also aphrodisiac, attraction, sex and power.

x syndromes.

kiss me:

See KM.

kiss of death:

1. A touch of the lips to someone that ultimately betrays them to their death, as Judas betrayed Jesus.

2. More broadly, a touch of the lips that somehow brings about a fatality.

3. As a metaphor, a seemingly good or pleasant thing that brings ruin or an unwished-for ending.

4. A touch of the lips to the face, but not on the mouth, indicating that the kisser does not want to be anything closer than friends.

5. In ladder theory, being viewed as a sweet guy by a woman, since that places him in the friendship category rather than the potential sex-partner category.

Comments: For the kiss of Judas, see the New Testament at Matthew 26:47-50; Mark 14:43-46; and Luke 22:47-48 (compare John 18:1-5).

See also just friends, ladder theory.

x Bible.

kiss on the lips:



1. A young woman.

2. A term of endearment, ordinarily for a female.

Comment: Sometimes contrasted with "cougar."

See also animalistic, cougar, gerbil, jump from lap to lap, sex kitten, term of endearment, tigress.



See individual family.


Klein Sexual Orientation Grid:

See sexual orientation.



1. A person who seeks or participates in an illicit sexual union.

2. An advocate of illicit sexual union.

Coined by me, 2004.

See also counterfeit bride, counterfeit bridegroom, illegitimate spouse, illicit lover, klepsigamy.



Characterizzed by or pertaining to an illicit sexual union, the formation thereof, or the seeking thereof.

Coined by me, 2004.

See also klepsigamy.



A fraudulent or otherwise illicit sexual union.

Comment: Coined by NEA, 2004; although perhaps it already exists in English. From the Greek, klepsigamia.

See also adultery, bestiality, bigamy, fauxmance, fornication, -gamy, illicit love, illicit relationship, immigration marriage fraud, incest, marriage fraud, mock marriage, porneia, pseudoromance, sexual immorality, sham marriage, trigamy, venereal transgression.

x Greek terms.



1. A follower of Bernhard Knipperdollink (d. 1536), one of the Münster Anabaptists and a polygynist.

2. A religious fanatic.

Comments: The latter sense is generally pejorative and also carries forward a scathing attitude towards Anabaptists.

There are many spelling variants of both the name and the term.

See also polygynist.

x Cnipperdolling.
x German terms.



Either a girlfriend or one's girlfriends.

Source: Sea Slang of the Twentieth Century: Royal Navy, Merchant Navy, Yachtsmen, Fishermen, Bargemen, Canalmen, Miscellaneous, by Wilfred Granville; introduction and etymologies by Eric Partridge (New York: Philosophical Library, 1950): p. 140.

See also dobash, fishing fleet, girlfriend, girl in every port, jelly, landlady, long-haired chum, party, pash, popsey.



An extremely attractive person.

Comment: Generally the term is used hyperbolically, the image being of beauty so intense that it causes beholders to lose consciousness or, at least, consciousness of all else. If someone stumbles and hits his or her head because of the distraction, the term might be used quite literally, but probably as a joke.

See also Adonis, attractive, dream, drop-dead gorgeous, handsome, human beauty, hunk, looker, ten.

Quotation from Tamar Myers Illustrating "Knockout"

[Greg Washburn] "You're a knockout, Abby, you know that?"

[Abigail Timberlake narrating] Greg is tall, without stilts, and has eyes like sunlit sapphires. "Thanks, dear. You're not so bad-looking yourself..."
From the mystery novel: Nightmare in Shining Armor: A Den of Antiquity Mystery, [by] Tamar Myers (New York, N.Y.: Avon Books, 2001): chapter 2, p. 12.


Marriage or a marital bond, on analogy with pieces of rope tied together.

Comment: The question remains: what sort of knot? Note this proverb from Madagascar: "Marriage is not a fast knot, but a slip knot."


See: African Proverbs, compiled by Charlotte and Wolf Leslau; and with decorations by Jeff Hill (Mount Vernon, N.Y.: Peter Pauper Press, c1962): p. 38.

See also bond, love-knot, marriage, marriage tether, marriage tie, nuptial knot, splice, tie, tie the knot.

Quotation from Lauren Slator Illustrating "Knot"

... children, those little imps who somehow manage to tighten the knot while weakening its actual fibers.
From: "Love" = Cover title: "Love: The Chemical Reaction" = Table of contents title: "True Love," by Lauren Slater; photographs by Jodi Cobb, in: National Geographic; v. 209, no. 2 (February 2006): pp. 32-49, specifically p. 35.


known donor:

See identity release donor.

know (somebody) in the biblical sense:

To have sexual intercourse with (a certain person).

Comment: In the Hebrew Bible, the word yad`a ("to know") is sometimes used as a euphemism for "to copulate with." The first instance is at Genesis 4:1: "Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain" (Authorized Version).

The New Testament uses the same euphemism, but in Greek: ginôskein ("to know"; lexical form: ginôskô), the first instance being at Matthew 1:25 regarding Joseph and Mary: Joseph "knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son."

Some people regard the term "know" as more than a euphemism, for instance, as also an indication of mystical mingling that makes the participants "one flesh."

See also coitus, copulate, fornicate, make love to, marital relations, one flesh, porneia, sexual intercourse.

x Bible.
x ginôskein.
x Greek terms.
x Hebrew terms
x yad`a.


Inclination to an interest in social relationships -- a characteristic, one might suppose, of a compiler of a glossary of relationship terms.



1. A partner in a marriage -- what the parties themselves consider marriage -- initiated solely by sexual intercourse.

2. An advocate of the position that sexual intercourse initiates marriage -- not necessarily that a marital status continues, only that it is initiated.

3. An advocate of the position that sexual intercourse plus an agreement of continuing companionship is sufficient to constitute an ongoing marriage.

Coined by me.

See also koitogamy.



Pertaining to or characterized by koitogamy (q.v.).

Coined by me.



Marriage by sexual intercourse; sexual intercourse in and of itself conferring marital status, with all the attending kinship relations, impediments, and obligations.

Comment: Coined by me. From the Greek koitê + gamos.

Pronounced as five syllables: ko-i-to'-ga-my; just as "coitus," despite what one often hears, is properly pronounced co-i-tus, with the accent on either the first or second syllable. In other words, the "oi" is not here a diphthong. So no more wearing your diphthong where you shouldn't!

Contrast consummation (q.v.). See also common law marriage, -gamy, koitogamist, koitogamous.

kokujo; plural: kojujo (Japanese):

A young Japanese woman who dates African-American men in the American armed forces; a young Japanese woman who frequents bars or clubs near American military bases in order to hook up with African-American serivcemen.

Comment: koku ("black") + jo ("woman").

The term is associated especially with such women from Okinawa. It is sometimes used by Japanese as a derogatory term.

See also amejo, Asian fetish, GI groupie, girl in every port, interracial sex, Pinkerton syndrome, racial commingling, sarong party girl.

x Japanese terms.


See kalleh.

kôluontôn gamein (Greek):

See "forbidding to marry."


See goukon, yarikon.

kopos tês agapês (Greek):

See labor of love.

Koran and Islamic law:

See houri, `idda, mahr, mut`a, nikah, polygyny, quadrigamy, rada`, talak, zina.


koro syndrome:

1. The delusional fear that one's penis is shrinking into one's abdomen, the end result presumably being death.

2. The delusional fear that one's breasts and/or labia are shrinking into one's abdomen, the end result presumably being death.

3. By analogy with the first sense, male mating behavior insofar as it is under the influence of a popular delusion.

Comments: May be related to the Malaysian word kura ("tortoise"). The connection is explained by the creature's retractable head.

Source for the last sense: They Have a Word for It: A Lighthearted Lexicon of Untranslatable Words & Phrases, [by] Howard Rheingold (Louisville, Ky.: Sarabande Books, 2000, c1988): pp. 75-76. The last sense is suggested by Rheingold. More precisely, he suggests for koro the following definition: "male mating behavior that seems to be dominated by some kind of delusory infection."

See also mate.

x Malaysian terms.
x myths.
x syndromes.


Kiss on the lips.

See also C.Y.K., HAKxx, H&K, smoocher, SWAK, SWALK, VX, XM, XOXO.

x abbreviations and acronyms.
x kiss on the lips.


A person who looks young from behind, like a sixteen-year-old, but much older from the front, like a sixty-four-year-old. Looking young from behind may be due either to one's physical features (perhaps modified) or to the way one is dressed.

Comment: Also used adjectivally, as in "a Kronenbourg woman."

The term has to do with the founding date of Kronenbourg Brewery (Brasseries Kronenbourg, originally Hatt Brewery): 1664.

See also attractive, bakku-shan, Kronenbourg, 1664 syndrome.

Kuikuro-Kalapalo terms:

See ajois relationship.

kurios (Greek):

See lord.


kuualoha or kuu aloha (Hawaiian):

"My love"; one's lover.

See also aloha, huapala, ipo, lover.

x Hawaiian terms.


kuzbu (Akkadian):

Erotic allure, enticing beauty, sexual attraction, perceived sexual prowess, especially conceived of as a divine attribute or sacred quality.

Source: Gilgamesh, translated from the Sîn-leqi-unninnï version [by] John Gardner, John Maier; with the assistance of Richard A. Henshaw (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1984; "A Borzoi Book"): pp. 76, 83. For more, see the quotation under "sex-joy."

See also allure, attraction, charm, chemistry, chick magnet, je ne sais quoi, kavorka, magnetism, sex appeal, shiksappeal, string, X-appeal, x-factor, za za zoo.

x Akkadian terms.




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