Glossary of Relationship Terms

Marriage, Love Relationships

& Polykoity

By

Norman Elliott Anderson

I -K

Table of Contents
Introduction
- A -	- H -	O	U
- B -	- I -	- P -	- V -
- C -	J	Q	W
- D -	K	- R -	X
- E -	- L -	- S-Si -	Y
F	- M -	- Sk-Sz -	Z
- G -	- N -	- T -	©
Feedback opportunity

"I am not sure I do not want (her or him) anymore" syndrome:

See "I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome.

icebreaker marriage:

A starter marriage (q.v.) or, otherwise, an initial marital union that prepares one for one or more subsequent marital unions.

See also marriage.

`idda (Arabic):

In Islamic law, a prescribed waiting period before a widow or divorcée is allowed to remarry. For a widow it is four months and ten days (Koran, sura 2:234). However, even during this time, she is allowed to receive proposals of marriage (Koran, sura 2:235). For a divorcée 'idda is:

• three menstrual periods (Koran, sura 2:228); or,
• if she is not menstruating, three months (Koran, sura 65:4); or,
• if she is pregnant, till the end of her confinement (Koran, sura 65:4).

A husband is enjoined to keep the wife he is divorcing under his care until her waiting period is over (Koran, sura 65:1). For slave women, the prescribed waiting periods are less.

See also divorcée, nikah, remarriage, widow.

x Arabic terms.

x Koran and Islamic law.

ideal:

1. With regard to a man or a woman:

1. The artistic vision of a man or woman aesthetically portrayed in a perfected or basic form.
2. A virtuous person whose entire behavior is directed by virtue.
3. A perfect physical specimen, with regard to form or health or likely robustness of offspring.
4. The best that a person can be.
5. A perfect fit, as for a job.

2. With regard to a partner or prospective partner:

1. A pattern of attractiveness and desirability in one's mind, perhaps one of several, by which a person is measured; a mental template or "script" (to borrow a term from Transactional Analysis) that one uses for choosing a partner.
2. A maximal meeting of one of the patterns of attractiveness and desirability that one has in one's mind.
3. A mate who is exactly the right fit as such.
4. The beloved as seen through the eyes of love.
5. A vision of the beloved in perfected form.

3. With regard to a relationship:

1. One that, on the part of each party, meets needs, desires, and expectations.
2. One that is characterized by profound rapport and mutually loving attention.
3. One in which the parties are perfectly matched.
4. One that enhances the happiness and beauty shining out from within of each of the parties.
5. One that is dreamt of as maximally pleasing.
6. One that because of its supreme goodness serves as a measure for the goodness of other relationships.

Comment: The term "script" is from the school of psychology known as Transactional Analysis.

See also callipygian ideal, Dirty Harry syndrome, dream date, entelechy, fantasy life, genicon, human beauty, lovemap, made for each other, match made in heave, man of (one's) dreams, Mary Sue story, Michelangelo phenomenon, Miss Right, Miss Wonderful, Mister Right, Mister Wonderful, Ms. Right, one true love, perfect catch, person of (one's) dreams, Prince Charming, right man, right person, right woman, sexual imprinting, soul mate, template (for a lover), true love, true lover, type, woman of (one's) dreams.

Quotation from a Translation of August Strindberg by Van Wyck Brooks Illustrating "Ideal of a Woman"
"Monsieur," I said in my dream, "you have created a new heaven and a new earth, but I do not enjoy myself in the midst of your creation. It is too sun-drenched for me, who enjoy the play of light and shade. And in your paradise there dwells an Eve who is not my ideal -- for I, myself, really have an ideal of a woman or two!"
From a letter by August Strindberg (1849-1912) to Paul Gauguin (1848-1903) as given in: Paul Gauguin's Intimate Journals, translated by Van Wyck Brooks; preface by Emil Gauguin (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1958; "A Midland Book"): p. 46. Translation of: Avant et après (1918). Translation originally published: New York: Boni and Liveright, 1921.

identity release donor:

A sperm donor who formally agrees not to be anonymous, but who consents to be contacted by any of his offspring after they reach the age of eighteen.

Comment: Also called a known donor, an open donor, and a yes donor.

The opposite is called a non-identity release donor or a no donor.

See also sperm donor.

x known donor.

x open donor.

x yes donor.

idiogamic:

Pertaining to an incapability of being fully aroused sexually by anyone other than one's spouse.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

Contrast idiogamous (q.v.). See also idiogamist, idiogamy.

idiogamist:

1. A person who is incapable of being fully aroused sexually by anyone other than his or her spouse.

2. A man who is impotent with any woman other than his wife or another woman resembling her.

3. A partner in a self-defined marriage.

4. An advocate or supporter of self-defined marriages.

Comment: The last two senses build upon the neologism, "idiogamy," in its second sense.

Contrast the Coolidge effect and, in a different way, polyiterophilia (q.v.). See also idiogamic, idiogamy.

idiogamous:

Pertaining to or characterized by idiogamy.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

Contrast idiogamic (q.v.). See also idiogamy.

idiogamy:

1. Marriage in which at least one of the partners is sexually oriented solely to the other or is capable of full sexual arousal only by the other.

2. Self-defined marriage; marriage on terms set by the partners, not by custom or any social institution.

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "idiogamist," so here included.

See also -gamy, idiogamic, idiogamist, idiogamous.

^hieron Aphroditês (Greek):

See temple of love.

IF:

Intimate friend (q.v.).

-ILF, or -ilf:

"[Someone] I'd like to f*ck."

See also FILF, GMILF, HILF, MILF (which see for discussion), WILF.

illegitimate spouse:

A partner in a relationship where the parties accept each other as spouses of one another even though their mutual spousehood is not recognized under the applicable code of law.

Examples:

• A woman's second husband while she yet has her first, where polygamy is prohibited.
• One of the partners in a brother-sister marriage, where such a marriage is prohibited.
• A partner in a gay marriage, where gay marriages are prohibited.

See also common law spouse, counterfeit bride, counterfeit bridegroom, gay marriage, illicit lover, incest, klepsigamist, partner, polygamy, sexual immorality, spousal equivalent, TOCOTOX.

illicit love:

A relationship, entailing sexual activity, that is contrary to morals, mores, or law.

See also adultery, affair, extramarital affair, forbidden love, fornication, illicit lover, illicit relationship, inappropriate relationship, incest, irregular connection, klepsigamy, love, nonmarital sex, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unwelcome admixture with sexuality, venereal transgression.

Quotation from Shirley Abbott Illustrating "Illicit Love"
I was sleeping badly, having regular and severe migraines, no longer believed my own propaganda about the beauty of forbidden love. I did love Olivia. But our moments of joy, of hope, were often quenched by terror. The penalties attached to illicit love now threatened to overwhelm me.
From: Love's Apprentice, [by] Shirley Abbott (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1998): p. 85.

illicit lover:

1. A person with whom engaging in sexual activity is contrary to morals, mores, or law but who is one's sex partner anyway.

2. The lover of a person who is married to somebody else, especially in a social context where extramarital affairs are contrary to mores or law.

See also adulterer, backdoor lover, backstreet mistress, cavalier servante, cicisbeo, cornutor, illegitimate spouse, illicit love, klepsigamist, leman, lover, mistress, other man, other woman, paramour, partner, sex partner, side girl.

illicit relationship:

1. A sexual relationship considered immoral, illegal, or improper.

2. A sexual relationship that violates biblical norms regarding sexuality and marriage, which some suppose to be the following (definition 3):

3. A sexual relationship that is either incestuous or other than a monogamous marital relationship.

See also backdoor lover, fornication, illicit love, illicit lover, inappropriate relationship, incest, indiscretion, Internet affair, irregular connection, klepsigamy, Lasterkatalog, leman, online affair, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual relationship, traditional morality, venereal transgression.

I love you:

1. As a sentence or phrase, a first person singular to second person singular (or sometimes plural) statement of affection and emotional attachment.

2. As a substantive, a formulaic statement of affection that is objectified as such, as in, "She sent an 'I love you.'"

Comment: "I love you" is widely regarded as one of the most wonderful expressions there is, unless empty (in which case it can be hurtful). In that regard, it competes with but few others, examples among romantic expressions being "I'm in love with you" and "Will you marry me?" and an example among more general expressions being, when someone is in need, "Let me help" or "May I help you?" (To Henry James, "summer afternoon" seemed the most beautiful.) For the other end of the spectrum, see under "Oh well!"

An "I love you" is usually pregnant with hope for a comparable response; and, in any case, some sort of response is almost always called for.

Reference
For the suggestion by Henry James, see: A Backward Glance, by Edith Wharton (New York: D. Appleton-Century Co., 1934): chapter 10.

See also express love, L-bomb, love, love letter, rose, valentine.

x happiest words in matters of love.

x most romantic expressions.

Quotation from "Star Trek" Illustrating "I Love You"
Edith Keeler (as played by Joan Collins): "Did you do something wrong? Are you afraid of something? Whatever it is, let me help." Captain James T. Kirk (as played by Willam Shatner): "'Let me help.' A hundred years or so from now, a novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words even over 'I love you.'" Keeler: "Centuries from now? Who is he? Where does he come -- Where will he come from? Silly question." Kirk: "Want to hear a silly answer?" Keeler: "Yes." Kirk: "A planet ... circling that far left star in Orion's belt."
From the American science fiction TV series, "Star Trek," Episode 28, Production 28, "City on the Edge of Forever," directed by Joseph Pevney; written by Harlan Ellison and rewritten by several hands before filming (first aired, April 6, 1967).

Quotation from "Sex and the City" Illustrating "I Love You"
Carrie Bradshaw (as played by Sarah Jessica Parker): Everything before "I love you" just doesn't count.
From the American TV series, "Sex and the City," Season 2, Episode 10 (or 22 of the series), "The Caste System," Allison Anders, director; Darren Star, writer (first aired, August 8, 1999).

"I love you" coupon:

See love coupon.

imaginative split-triangle:

A situation in which an individual is living monogamously with one person, that is, as part of a dyad (q.v.), while remaining in love but not physically involved with another, such as a former lover.

See also emotional infidelity, in love, monogamy, split-object triangle, triangle.

Quotation from Ethel S. Person on Imaginative Split-Triangles
Some people engage in what I would consider to be imaginative split-triangles. They lead conventional monogamous lives, but hold to the belief (sometimes articulated, sometimes not) that they are still deeply in love with someone with whom they once shared a great love. One elderly gentleman, in a marriage most of his friends regard as exemplary, will occasionally confide that he loved someone else early in his marriage, but that, because he was an honorable man, he stayed the course and gave up his one true love.
From: Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion, [by] Ethel S. Person (New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1989; originally published, 1988): p. 231.

^himas Aphroditou (Greek term):

See Aphrodite's girdle.

imbroglio of polyamours:

A tangle of people who share at least one current lover in common.

Comments: Coined by T. Rifkin Elliott.

Pronunciation note: The "g" in "imbroglio" is silent.

See also bevy of beloveds, bundle of freemates, cadre of beloveds, clutch of lovers, covey of lovers, cuddle of lovers, harem, partner, polyamour, seraglio, string of lovers, syndicate of lovers.

immediate family:

1. Relatives who are members of the same household; family members with whom one lives.

2. Members of a nuclear family (q.v.).

Sometimes contrasted with extended family (q.v.). See also two-parent family.

immigration marriage fraud:

1. Becoming the spouse of a citizen for the purpose of acquiring a certain immigration status rather than for purposes of marital union with that citizen, this as a way of deceiving the authorities.

2. As the citizen in the above scheme, knowingly participating in the deception.

See also faux wedding, green card marriage, klepsigamy, marriage, marriage fraud, mock marriage, paper marriage, sham marriage.

immoral:

1. Said of a person: characterized by a willingness to violate standards of propriety, especially for purposes of self-aggrandizement.

2. Said of a behavior: characterized by a violation of standards of propriety, especially when such violation runs contrary to fellow-feeling.

2. Said of an effect: characterized by foreseeable and unjustifiable suffering brought about by voluntary action or, more generally, simply by suffering.

4. Pertaining to those who are characterized by willingness to violate standards of propriety, or to behaviors characterized by violation of standards of propriety, or to effects characterized by suffering.

Contrast moral (q.v.). See also dirty, fast, immorality, licentious, unchaste, wanton.

immorality:

Behavior that violates standards of propriety.

Comments: People often talk past one another, meaning very different things by immorality, when they don't share either the same standards or the same idea of where those standards should come from, whether that be God, reasoning from values that aim towards goodness, or some socially based authority, such as custom or a legislative body.

Sometimes the term "immorality" is used as a shortened form of "sexual immorality," and that practice may have contributed to the frequent tendency to forget that sexual immorality is just a small part of the totality of what is considered immorality.

Contrast morality (q.v.). See impurity, immoral, sexual immorality.

"I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome:

A typical characteristic of an intermediate stage in a person's phasing out of an affair, a phase in which a person is uncertain about his or her feelings, an uncertainty of which a decline in attentiveness while yet hanging on is symptomatic.

See also attentions, break-up, "It's not you, it's me", quasi-breakup.

x "I am not sure I do not want (her or him) anymore" syndrome.

x syndromes.

Quotation from Ruth Dickson Illustrating "'I'm Not Sure I Don't Want Her Anymore' Syndrome"
[150] Although I think any woman worth her salty tears knows when her lover is starting to back off, there are a few little things almost every man does that you should be on the lookout for.... On the nonsexual side, he may start being late for dates. After that comes the "unexpected business [151] appointment" ploy, on the evenings he has an engagement with you. (Note that he always calls to break the date after it's too late for you to make alternate plans. This is part of the "I'm not sure I don't want you anymore" syndrome.) The third phase of the phasing out is when he doesn't call to break your date. He just fails to show up.
From: Married Men Make the Best Lovers, by Ruth Dickson (Los Angeles, Calif: Sherbourne Press, c1967): pp. 150- 151.

impediment:

A reason that would disallow marriage or the recognition thereof under civil or religious law, for example, if the marriage is or would be incestuous.

See also annulment, convalidation of marriage, digeneia, diriment impediment, forbid the banns, incest, occult impediment, public impediment, putative marriage, radical sanation, trigeneia.

implicated with:

1. Involved intimately with; metaphorically entangled or entwined with.

2. Involved with in an incriminating way.

See also intimate relationship.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Implicated with"
Her [Ursula Brangwen's] whole soul was implicated with [Anton] Skrebensky -- not the young man of the world, but the undifferentiated man he was.
From the novel: The Rainbow, by D. H. Lawrence (New York: B. W. Huebsch, c1915, 1921 printing): chapter 15, p. 427.

import:

A person trasported from a distance for purposes of casual sex.

Comment: Baseball argot. Said especially of a woman transported in for a baseball player while on the road.

See also casual sex, road beef, slump buster.

impurity:

1. The condition of being sullied or adulterated.

2. Ritual uncleannness.

3. A condition marked by impropriety.

4. The quality of being less than innocent or or less than virginal.

5. A lack of chasteness of mind or heart; the condition of being contaminated by lustful or other selfish motivation.

See also dirty, immorality, obscenity-purity complex, purity, stigmatic guilt, unchaste.

inamorata:

A woman who inspires one's love.

Contrast inamorato (q.v.). See also flame, heartthrob, lover, partner, squish.

inamorato:

A man who inspires one's love.

Contrast inamorata (q.v.). See also flame, heartthrob, lover, partner, squish.

inappropriate relationship:

An erotic relationship that does not meet standards of propriety.

Comment: The word "inappropriate," which in its primary sense means "unsuitable," has come to mean also, "erotically wayward or sexually improper or pertaining to the mixing of unwelcome elements with sexuality or of unwelcome sexuality with other things," as often in the term "inappropriate behavior." So defined, the word has come to embrace a wide gamut of sexually related misbehavior, whether misbehavior as traditionally understood or as understandings have taken shape in modern times. Sometimes the term is specially nuanced, for instance, to indicate an abuse of power or to indicate that, whereas other physically intimate activities took place, vaginal insemination or the crossing of some other threshold significant to the speaker did not. So "inappropriate" is a useful term for those who wish either to throw a wide net or to remain vague, while at the same time it is a term notable, paradoxically, for both ambiguity and hair-splitting.

See also affair, backdoor lover, casting couch, fornication, illicit love, illicit relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, irregular connection, leman, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, relationship, sex scandal, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unwelcome admixture with sexuality, venereal transgression.

in-betweener:

A person one dates for a while between serious relationships without any intention of forming a tight bond with that person.

See also in-between relationship.

in-between relationship:

A casual relationship after one serious love relationship has ceased and before another begins.

See also casual relationship, in-betweener, rebound relationship, relationship.

incandescence:

1. Such intensity of positive emotion as to radiate with beatitude upon the world.

2. A glow produced by the strong happy feelings associated with being in love or feeling well-loved.

3. A glow produced by expectant motherhood.

See also carry a torch for, crystallization, Cupid's torch, enchantment, have the hots for, in love, jouissance, kindled to one another, light of one's life, love-passion, new relationship energy, passionate love, polyglow, shine, take a shine to, torchy, za zsa zsu.

incest:

1. Violation of social rules regarding what kin one may not have sexual relations with or what kin one may not marry.

2. Sexual relations with closely related blood kin, especially in violation of social rules.

Comments: Incest has been one of the biggest traditional issues of sexual morality (q.v.).

Sometimes rules extend beyond consanguinity (q.v.) and natural affinity (q.v.) to include foster, adoptive, and/or spiritual relationships. As an example of the first, being a wet nurse creates an impediment to marriage under Islamic law (see rada`). As an example of the last, the Roman Catholic Church used to prohibit a baptized person from marrying either the person who administered the sacrament of baptism or his or her godmother or godfather (Code of Canon Law, pre-1983, Canon 768 = 1079 <check>); however, this prohibition was dropped from the Code of Canon Law, 1983 edition.

With regard to determining incestuous marriages, of particular influence in the English-speaking world, besides Leviticus 18 and 20, has been the Book of Common Prayer (see chart below).

A TABLE of KINDRED AND AFFINITY,   Wherein Whosoever are Related are Forbidden by the Church of England to Marry Together   (found at the end of the Book of Common Prayer)
A man may not marry his:	A woman may not marry her:
Mother	Father
Daughter	Son
Father's mother	Father's father
Mother's mother	Mother's father
Son's daughter	Son's son
Daughter's daughter	Daughter's son
Sister	Brother
Father's daughter	Father's son
Mother's daughter	Mother's son
Wife's mother	Husband's father
Wife's daughter	Husband's son
Father's wife	Mother's husband
Son's wife	Daughter's husband
Father's father's wife	Father's mother's husband
Mother's father's wife	Mother's mother's husband
Wife's father's mother	Husband's father's father
Wife's mother's mother	Husband's mother's father
Wife's son's daughter	Husband's son's son
Wife's daughter's daughter	Husband's daughter's son
Son's son's wife	Son's daughter's husband
Daughter's son's wife	Daughter's daughter's husband
Father's sister	Father's brother
Mother's sister	Mother's brother
Brother's daughter	Brother's son
Sister's daughter	Sister's son

The rise of the feminist and gay movements has led to some rethinking of incest, so that, for example:

• it is now necessary not only to define heterosex incest but also to sort out homosex incest from homosexual relations in general; and,
• it is sometimes useful to sort out incest relative to a female-oriented family (matri-incest) from incest relative to a male-oriented family (patri-incest).

So observe the following chart.

A Late Twentieth-Century Categorization of Incest1
INCEST CATEGORY	Homosex incest	Heterosex incest
Matri-incest	Mother-daughter Sister-sister Female with female cousin Niece-aunt2 Grandmother-granddaughter2	Mother-son Sister-brother3 Female with male cousin2,4 Niece-maternal uncle5 Grandmother-grandson2
Patri-incest	Father-son Brother-brother Male with male cousin2 Nephew-uncle2 Grandfather-grandson2	Father-daughter Brother-sister3 Male with female cousin2,4 Nephew-paternal aunt6 Grandfather-granddaughter2
1 This chart is adapted from Table 2 in Lesbian Origins, [by] Susan Cavin (San Francisco: Ism Press, c1985): p. 59. In Cavin's view, "emotional female incest develops the original core of the human family" (p. 58). For a bit more explanation, see in this glossary under "emotional incest."
2 I observe that in several instances, Cavin, in her table, ignores the distinction between maternal and paternal relations. To my way of thinking, matri-incest would be most usefully defined according to biological (and perhaps adoptive) relations as they could be understood prior to discovery of biological descent from males. Thus, for example,under "matri-incest" one could speak only of maternal grandmothers and not paternal ones. Cavin's distinction is a bit more complex. She associates matri-incest with matrilineal societies, matrilocal societies, or mother-headed households; and she associates patri-incest with patrilineal, patrilocal, or patriarchal societies (pp. 22i-23i).
3 Note the matri-patri repetition.
4 Note the matri-patri repetition.
5 I confess to being puzzled as to why Cavin did not either add here "maternal aunt-nephew" or, as elsewhere, ignore the maternal-paternal distinction altogether and add simply "aunt-nephew."
6 I confess to being puzzled as to why Cavin did not add here "paternal uncle-niece" or, as elsewhere, ignore the maternal-paternal distinction altogether and add simply "uncle-niece."

Some Terms Related to Incest
Term*	Definition	Roots	Source
adelphelagnia	sexual desire for one's sister	Greek + Greek (adelphë + lagneia)	6
adelphepothia	yearning for one's sister	Greek + Greek (adelphë + pothos)	2
adelphirexia	appetite for one's nephew	Greek + Greek (adelphideos + orexis or, possibly, rëxis, "a bursting")	2
adelphithymia	soulful desire for one's niece	Greek + Greek (adelphidë + thumos or, possibly, thumiaö, "burn")	2
adelphogamy	brother-sister marriage	Greek + Greek (adelphos / adelphë + gamos)	5
adelpholagnia	sexual desire for one's brother	Greek + Greek (adelphos + lagneia)	6
adelphomixia	sex between or marriage of a brother and a sister	Greek: adelphomixia	6
anepsiolagnia	sexual desire for one's cousin	Greek + Greek (anepsios + lagneia)	6
casimeria	longing for one's brother	Greek + Greek (kasis + himeros)	2
Electra complex	focus of a daughter on her father (now generally called Oedipus complex)	Greek mythology	4, 5
filiolagnia	sexual desire for one's son	Latin + Greek (filius + lagneia)	2
fratrilagnia	sexual desire for one's brother	Latin + Greek (frater + lagneia)	2
huidelagnia (pronounced hwee-)	sexual desire for one's son's daughter	Greek + Greek (huidë + lagneia)	6
huidoulagnia	sexual desire for one's son's son	Greek + Greek (huidous + lagneia)	6
huiogynlagnia	sexual desire for one's son's wife	Greek + Greek + Greek (huios + gynë + lagneia)	6
huiopallakilagnia	sexual desire for one's son's mistress	Greek + Greek + Greek (huios + pallakis + lagneia)	6
Jocasta complex	focus of a mother on her son	Greek mythology	2, 4
matradelphelagnia	sexual desire for one's maternal aunt	Greek + Greek (hë mëtradelphos + lagneia)	6
matradelpholagnia	sexual desire for one's maternal uncle	Greek + Greek (ho mëtradelphos + lagneia)	6
matrandrolagnia	sexual desire for one's mother's husband not one's father (as in polyandry)	Greek + Greek + Greek (mëtër + anër + lagneia)	6
matrincest	sex with one's mother	Latin + Latin (mater + incestus)	3
matrogamy	mother-son marriage	Greek: mëtrogamia	6
matrolagnia	sexual desire for one's mother	Greek + Greek (mëtër + lagneia)	2
matromatrolagnia	sexual desire for one's mother's mother	Greek + Greek (mëtromëtör + lagneia)	6
matromixia	sex with one's mother	Greek: mëtromixia	6
matropatrolagnia	sexual desire for one's mother's father	Greek + Greek (mëtropatör + lagneia)	6
matrophiletolagnia	sexual desire for one's mother's paramour	Greek + Greek + Greek (mëtër + philëtör + lagneia)	6
novercalagnia	sexual desire for one's stepmother	Latin + Greek (noverca + lagneia)	6
Oedipus complex	focus upon parent of opposite sex (originally a son upon the mother)	Greek mythology	4, 5
pappolagnia	sexual desire for one's grandfather	Greek + Greek (pappos + lagneia)	6
patradelphelagnia	sexual desire for one's paternal aunt	Greek + Greek (patradelphë + lagneia)	6
patradelpholagnia	sexual desire for one's paternal uncle	Greek + Greek (patradelphos + lagneia)	6
patrogynlagnia	sexual desire for one's father's wife not one's mother (as in polygyny)	Greek + Greek + Greek (patros + gynë + lagneia) -- notice 1 Corinthians 5:1	6
patrolagnia	sexual desire for one's father	Greek + Greek (patër + lagneia)	2
patropallakilagnia	sexual desire for one's father's mistress	Greek + Greek + Greek (patros + pallakis + lagneia)	6
patropatrolagnia	sexual desire for one's father's father	Greek + Greek (patropatör + lagneia)	6
sororilagnia	sexual desire for one's sister	Latin + Greek (soror + lagneia)	2

tethelagnia**	sexual desire for one's grandmother	Greek + Greek (tëthë + lagneia)	6
theialagnia	sexual desire for one's aunt, whether maternal or paternal	Greek + Greek (theia + lagneia)	6
theiolagnia	sexual desire for one's uncle, whether maternal or paternal	Greek + Greek (theios + lagneia)	6
thygatrandrolagnia	sexual desire for one's daughter's husband	Greek + Greek + Greek (thygatër + anër + lagneia)	6
thygatria	sex with one's daughter	Greek, presumably shortened from thygatromixia	3
thygatridelagnia	sexual desire for one's daughter's daughter	Greek + Greek (thygatridë + lagneia)	6
thygadridoulagneia	sexual desire for one's daughter's son	Greek+ Greek (thygatridous + lagneia)	6
thygatrilagnia	sexual desire for one's daughter	Greek + Greek (thygatër + lagneia)	1, 2
thygatrogamy	father-daughter marriage	Greek: thugatrogamos	6
thygatromixia	sex with one's daughter	Greek thygatromixia	6
thygatrophiletolagnia	sexual desire for one's daughter's paramour	Greek + Greek + Greek (thygatër + philëtör + lagneia)	6
vitricolagnia	sexual desire for one's stepfather	Latin + Greek (vitricus + lagnia)	6

* The suffix "-lagnia" has become well-established in English as indicating sexual desire. Its Greek root, lagneia, can indicate either sexual desire or coition. However, the usual ancient Greek suffix for coition that might be added to the term for a relative was "-mixia." Where one wishes specifically to indicate coition, it would make sense to substitute "-mixia" for "-lagnia." Similarly, where marriage is to be indicated, the suffix "-gamy" might be substituted. If I know of such "-gamy" or "-mixia" words in Greek or English, they are listed above. Otherwise I would suppose them to be neologisms.

** Some explanation as to why, so far, I have provided no term relating to a father's mother: Ancient Greek has: mëtromëtör - mother's mother patropatör - father's father Then there are two other words: mëtropatör patromëtör However, both mean "mother's father"! You would think that one of them -- I would suppose patromëtör, given the usual pattern -- means "father's mother." But, in Lucian, Alexander 58, patromëtör clearly means male ancestor on the mother's side (cf. 11). And in Herodotus 3:50 (and other sources), mëtropatör clearly means mother's father. In other words, I have found four words for three slots and, thus far, no comparable word for one slot. There are, of course, two general words for "grandmother," mamma and tëthë, and one general term for grandfather, pappos.

1 Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual , Obscure, and Preposterous Words, gathered from numerous and diverse authoritative sources by Mrs. Byrne; edited, with an introduction by Mr. Byrne (Secaucus, N.J.: University Books [and] Citadel Press, c1974)

2 There's a Word for It! A Grandiloquent Guide to Life, [by] Charles Harrington Elster (New York, NY: Scribner, c1996): p. 77. "Filiolagnia" is an Elster coinage.

3 The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices, [by] Brenda Love; introduction by Michael Perry (Fort Lee, N.J.: Barricade Books, c1992. See especially "Glossary of Terms" (pp. [304]-314.

4 The Penguin Dictionary of Psychology, [by] Arthur S. Reber (2nd ed. London; New York, N.Y.: Penguin books, 1995.

5 Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language Unabridged ..., editor in chief, Philip Babcock Gove and the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff (Springfield, Mass.: Merriam-Webster, c1986).

6 My coinage, at least for English use (2004).

To express your opinion as to what should be considered incestuous, take the sexual ethics test.

See also adelphogamy, adultery, arsenokoitês, bestiality, brother-sister marriage, childhood incest, deceased wife's sister question, digeneia, emotional incest, father's wife, first-cousin marriage, forbidden degrees, forbidden love, Holiness Code, illegitimate spouse, illicit love, illicit relationship, impediment, ineligible, kinship, klepsigamy, matrogamy, menstruant as forbidden, milk incest, porneia, pornos, rival, rule of the gift, secondary incest, seed raising, sexual connection, sexual immorality, sexual sin, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritual incest, sunasova, take seconds, thugatrogamy, traditional morality, trigeneia, venereal transgression, Westermarck effect, Westermarck hypothesis, Westermarck trap.

in circulation, as in "I'm back in circulation":

1. Dating.

2. Available for sex.

3. Available for a love relationship.

4. Single (q.v.).

Contrast out of circulation (q.v.). See also date, free, free agent, marital status, marrying kind.

inclusive relationship:

A relationship in which all partners are open to bringing more lovers into the relationship.

Contrast exclusive relationship (q.v.). See also lovestyle, open couple, open group relationship, open relationship, polyamory.

incompatibility:

1. Inability to live together happily or to function together productively, perhaps prospectively or from the start or after initial emotions have calmed down or after growing apart; clash of personalities.

2. Inability of partners to satisfy each other sexually and emotionally such that sexual and emotional restrictions attending their relationship are felt as burdens that cannot be long endured or such that sexual and emotional freedoms exercised are considered intolerable.

3. Inability of particular male and female sexual organs to fit together.

4. A frequently cited grounds for divorce, especially in jurisdictions where no fault divorce is allowed.

Contrast compatibility (q.v.). See also cagamosis, deal breaker, desperate, dysfunctional relationship, grounds for divorce, heterogamosis, love-resolves-all myth, marital aptitude, marital blues, microphily, Miss Wrong, Mister Wrong, no fault divorce, odd couple, poor match, rocky relationship, toxic relationship, "unequally yoked," unequal marriage, unfulfilled love, unhappily married, unsuccessful marriage.

incompleteness myth of singlehood:

The (presumably) false notion that one cannot be a whole person unless partnered.

Comment: That people are or should be whole in and of themselves has become a mantra in some counseling circles; and from such circles, but not exclusively, comes the identification of this notion as a myth. I have provided a name for the supposed myth, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy (October 17, 2006).

See also androgyne archetype, singlehood.

x myths.

inconstancy:

1. Waywardness with regard to one's affections for a person; not loving a person consistently.

2. An inclination to shift one's affection or, in the absence of real affection, one's show of affection from one person to another; fickleness in one's affection.

For an additional lexical example, see under "infidelity."

See also constancy, emotional infidelity, infidelity, unfaithfulness.

Quotations from Jane Austen Illustrating "Inconstancy"
When alone with Elizabeth [Bennet] afterwards, she [Mrs Gardiner] spoke more on the subject. 'It seems likely to have been a desirable match for Jane [Bennet],' said she. 'I am sorry it went off. But these things happen so often! A young man, such as you describe Mr Bingley, so easily falls in love with a pretty girl for a few weeks, and when accident separates them, so easily forgets her, that these sort of inconstancies are very frequent.'
From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 25, p. 181. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).
[Captain Harville]: '... I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men.' [Anne Elliot]: Perhaps I shall. Yes, yes, if you please, no reference to examples in books. Men have had every advantage of us in telling their own story. Education has been theirs in so much higher a degree; the pen has been in their hands. I will not allow books to prove anything.'
From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 23, p. 281. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

inconstant:

Characterized by inconstancy (q.v.).

See also constant, infidelious, unfaithful., volage

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Inconstant"
[Captain Harville]: 'No, no, it is not man's nature. I will not allow it to be more man's nature than woman's to be inconstant and forget those they do love, or have loved...'
From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 23, p. 280. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

incontinence:

1. Inability to be sexually abstinent.

2. Lack of sexual self-restraint.

3. Inability to control one's urination and defecation.

Contrast continence (q.v.). See also abstinence.

in danger:

1. At risk of falling in love or otherwise of romantic involvement, especially if there is some disadvantage in it; strongly attracted despite ...

2. At risk of entering into an imprudent marriage or deeply dissatisfied in such a marriage.

3. At risk of being deceived with respect to a potential mate.

Contrast safe (q.v.). See also attraction, die with love, in love.

x danger.

Quotations from Jane Austen Illustrating "In Danger"
... Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her [Elizabeth Bennet]. He really believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.
[Jane Bennet]: 'My dear Lizzy, you cannot think me so weak, as to be in danger now.' [Elizabeth Bennet]: 'I think you are in very great danger of making him [Charles Bingley] as much in love with you as ever.'
From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 10, p. 72, and chapter 54, p. 420; cf. the last sentence of chapter 11 on p. 81 (where just "danger" is used); chapter 47, p. 353 ("in any danger from the deception"); and chapter 59, p. 468 ("in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage"). Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

indecent proposal:

An offer the acceptance of which would violate one's own commitments or the mores of the surrounding culture, especially such an offer with a sexual component that would interfere with a marriage or love relationship.

Comment: The term in this sense was popularized by the movie, "Indecent Proposal" (1993).

See also proposal, proposition, sexual mores.

indiscretion:

1. A sexual or sexually related act or a sexual relationship or an admixture with sexuality that has become known, to one's embarrassment or shame or social or marital detriment.

2. An injudicious choice of a sex partner, since that choice would produce scandal if known in certain quarters.

3. A failure to take sufficient measures to keep an affair or sexual encounter from erupting into scandal.

4. A revelation of more than what is wise to reveal.

5. Placement of oneself in an embarrassing position.

Comment: Use of this term in the first and third senses sometimes conveys the impression that the person who committed the indiscretion is sorry about having been found out and about the consequences of having been found out, not necessarily about the offense itself.

See also adultery, affair, folly, fornication, illicit relationship, inappropriate, intrigue, irregular connection, peccadillo, porneia, sex scandal, sexual immorality, unwelcome admixture with sexuality.

indiscriminate sex:

1. Sexual promiscuity, especially sexual relations with people one would not want as long-term partners.

2. Sexual relations, especially mutliple sexual relations, characterized by a lack of concern about whom one is engaging in such activities with.

Comment: Thoughtless use of the term, especially in the second sense, often evokes the objection that of course one is discriminating in whom one sleeps with, one is hardly attracted to everyone, and, in fact, the more sexual partners one has had the more refined one's sense of discrimination becomes.

See also brothel behavior, casual sex, free love, libertinism, loveless sex, one-night stand, promiscuity, recreational sex, serial philandering, sex, sexual communism, sexual varietism, stranger sex.

indissolubility doctrine:

The teaching in some religious schools of thought, particularly within some streams of Christianity, that a marriage or, at least, a church-sanctioned marriage or, at least, one between believers can never be legitimately terminated in this life, since it is joined by God, or that if it can be legitimately terminated, the termination can be only on the basis of porneia (q.v.). The Christian doctrine derives from the divorce sayings of Jesus, although Jesus was not directly speaking to the issue and the idea that he meant to teach indissolubility is highly controversial.

See also covenant marriage, divorce, marriage-is-forever myth, New Testament monogamy, "one flesh," privilegium Paulinum.

individual family or Sonderfamilie (Ernst Grosse, 1896):

Parents living in an exclusive marital relationship and their children.

Contrast great-family (q.v.). See also family, nuclear family, two-parent family.

x Kleinfamilie

x Sonderfamilie.

individual marriage (Margaret Mead, 1966):

A socially recognized and permitted non-procreative sexual union of two persons, which is easily dissolvable whenever one or both wish to part. It can be the first step in a two-step marriage (q.v.).

See also companionate marriage, marriage, parental marriage, trial marriage.

ineligible:

1. Married and unavailable to become one's spouse.

2. Inappropriate to become one's spouse, due to law or custom; usually said of a person.

Contrast eligible (q.v.). See also incest, marital status, married.

inevitability myth of jealousy:

The (presumably) false notion that everyone, unless extremely peculiar or in denial, has a strong tendency to jealousy (q.v.), especially when a beloved is hit on or is interested in or involved with another.

Comment: I have provided a name for the supposed myth, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy that might surround it (October 18, 2006).

The observation of those who identify this notion as a myth is that the intensity of, types of, and triggers for jealousy vary greatly from person to person and that some people have little proneness to it at all.

A popular theory is that traditional moral beliefs about sexual behavior are based on the assumption that everyone becomes jealous and that jealousy is best addressed not internally, but by minimizing external triggers.

See also jealousy-rules myth.

x myths.

infatuated:

Characterized by infatuation (q.v.).

See also assot, besotted, bitten by the love bug, captivated, carry a torch for, crazy about, dote, enamored, go gaga over, gone on, have the hots for, in love, in love with love, in lust, love-cracked, love-shaked, love-struck, madly in love, pussy-struck, smitten, sprung, torchy, wildly in love with.

infatuation:

1. Strong sexual desire for a particular individual, who is known at only a surface level, a desire that gives the illusion of being in love, an illusion which is dispelled, for instance, when confronted with reality (such as the individual's personality flaws) or a more attractive option.

2. The first stage of falling in love, when sexual attraction and emotional excitement are felt but before one is sufficiently prepared to assess, on the basis of knowledge of the one loved and actual fit, the prospects for a commitment of long-term loyalty.

3. Being in love at a youthful stage of life when one does not have the maturity to know well where to place one's permanent love loyalty or loyalties or when one is not in a position to actuate a permanent love bond.

4. In the triangualr theory of love, love that is characteried by passion, but not or not yet either intimacy or commitment.

Comment on the last sense: Qualitatively this sort of infatuation is no different from being in love as an adult, but the lack of social support and guidance for youthful bonds in an age of nuclear rather than extended families and of a long socially enforced wait between biological sexual maturation and marriage, typically a wait of many years, has created the need for a vocabulary of the temporary and experimental with respect to romantic love (q.v.).

See also amour fou, calf love, chemistry, chemistry of love, crush, engouement, error of fancy, fancy, girl crush, heartthrob, hot love, into (someone), Laws of Lovers' Passion, limerence, love, love at first sight, love at first text message, love-passion, man crush, multiphilia, new relationship energy, one-itis, passion, passionate love, practice love, primo amore, puppy love, secrets of the heart, triangular theory of love, workplace crush.

Quotation from Jane Austin Illustrating "Infatuation"
His [Sir Walter Elliot's] good looks and his rank had one fair claim on his attachment; since to them he must have owed a wife of very superior character to anything deserved by his own. Lady Elliot had been an excellent woman, sensible and amiable; whose judgement and conduct, if they might be pardoned the youthful infatuation which made her Lady Elliot, had never required indulgence afterwards.
From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 1, p. 10. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

infidelious:

Characterized by infidelity (q.v.).

Comment: Labeled an obsolete term in the Oxford English Dictionary.

See also fidelious, inconstant, infidous, loose, promiscuous, unfaithful, volage.

infidelity:

1. Being unfaithful to one's expressed relational commitment, for instance, a commitment to sexual exclusivity.

2. Violating an expectation of sexual exclusivity, for instance in a monogamy-only context.

3. Disloyalty.

4. Being at variance by word or by belief expressed in behavior with certain key teachings of an organized religion, especially if one has belonged to that religion.

See also abuse, action on the side, adultery, betrayal, cheat, cheating curve, cyber-infidelity, emotional infidelity, extra-pair copulation, feel betrayed, fidelity, inconstancy, loose-wived, love trauma syndrome, monogamy-only, non-consensual adultery, overlapping, relational commitment, run astray, secret-false, sexual exclusivity, sexual immorality, skirt-chaser, sperm wars, tip, two-time, unfaithful, unfaithfulness, yard on.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Infidelity"
[Madame de Rosemonde to the Présidente de Tourvel] Do not be led to believe that the more or less numerous exceptions which may be cited against these universal rules can in any way disprove them. Public opinion is their guarantee, which in the case of men only will distinguish between infidelity and inconstancy. It is a distinction which men make use of when they ought to be humiliated by it; a distinction, which, among our sex, is never made except by those depraved women who are a disgrace to it. Any means will serve to spare them the painful consciousness of their degradation.
From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 130, pp. 311-313, specifically p. 312. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.
[The French reads] Et n'allez pas croire que des exceptions plus ou moins nombreuses, et qu'on peut citer, puissent s'opposer avec succès à ces vérités générales! Elles ont pour garant la voix publique, qui, pour les hommes seulement, a distingué l'infidélité de l'inconstance : distinction dont ils se prévalent, quand ils devraient en être huniliés; et qui, pour notre sexe, n'a jamais été adoptée que par ces femmes dépravées qui en sont la honte, et à qui tout moyen parâit bon, qu'elles espèrent pouvoir les sauver du sentiment pénible de leur bassesse.
From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 130, pp. 298-300, specifically p. 299. Infidélité = infidelity.

infidous:

Characterized by infidelity (q.v.).

Comment: Labeled an obsolete term in the Oxford English Dictionary.

See also fidelious, infidelious, loose, promiscuous, unfaithful.

informal marriage:

An exchange of marital vows in the absence of an ecclesiastical official, the marriage being completed by consummation (q.v.).

See also consensual marriage, ecclesiastical marriage, marriage.

ingle:

A catamite (q.v.).

See also active-passive split, gay male, gugusse, gunsel.

ingredients for a successful marriage:

See secret of a successful marriage.

in^yukawtigicuq (Eskimo-Aleut):

1. Men who have exchanged wives.

2. The men who have been married to the same woman at different times.

Source: The North Alaskan Eskimo: A Study in Ecology and Society, by Robert F. Spencer (Washington: Government Printing Office, 1959; Smithsonian Institution, Bureau of American Ethnology Bulletin; 171): p. 80.

See also angutawkun.

x Eskimo terms.

in-house friend:

A person, perhaps a lover, with whom one shares a domicile.

See also cohabitant, cohabitee, co-vivant, de facto, domestic companion, domestic partner, friend, housemate, live-in boyfriend, live-in companion, live-in girlfriend, live-in lover, other terms than marriage, partner, PASSLQ, POSSLQ, room-mate, shack up, umfriend.

in-law:

1. A person who is related by marriage.

2. In the plural, "in-laws": The set of those who are related by marriage or some specific subset thereof, such as:

• The parents and siblings of one's spouse; or,
• The parents and other family members of one's son-in-law or daughter-in-law to whom one is now related by marraige.

See also affinity, kinship, mekhuteneste, mekhutn, mekhutonim, new family, punalua, step-.

-in-law:

1. A combining form tacked on to the end of kinship terms to indicate a relation by marriage. Thus brother-in-law, daughter-in-law, father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, son-in-law, etc.

2. Informally and by analogy with the first defintion, a combining form tacked on to the end of terms to indicate a person who has a relationship with a person parallel in some way to the relationship one has with the same person. Thus belly-in-law (as a translation of "bukis," q.v.), friend-in-law, f***-in-law (abbreviated FIL), husband-in-law, partner-in-law, sweetie-in-law, TOCOTOX-in-law, wife-in-law, etc.

See also affinity, assistant, BIL, buksvåger, buksvägerska, DIL, FIL, kinship, levir, lover-in-law, lover-once-removed, MIL, SIL, sin-in-law, SL, step-, yavam, yebamah.

x Brother-in-law.

x Daughter-in-law.

x Father-in-law.

x Mother-in-law.

x Sister-in-law.

x Son-in-law.

in limbo:

1. Resident in the supposed abode of those who are both dead and barred from heaven through no fault of their own.

2. In an in-between state.

3. In a state of suspension with regard to one's life, as in entrapment or captivity.

4. In a state of waiting, especially with uncertainty or indecision.

5. In a state of uncertain position, as one who is being neglected or who has been lost between the cracks in a system.

6. Out of one relationship and not yet ready to begin another, because in an emotionally intermediate state.

See also garage time, love withdrawal, post break-up funk.

x limbo.

in love:

1. The generally temporary "madness" that one feels in the early stages of being strongly attracted to a particular individual's personality and appearance, a "madness" which entails a wide array of emotions, such as the oft-described "walking on air." Being in love, in this sense, sometimes settles into a subsequent stage of love, namely a durable bond, with more stable emotions.

2. The romantic state in which one experiences the emotionally and sexually felt desire to grow closer to and to bond with or to stay bonded to a particular individual, a bond that, once preliminary stages are past, would include both mutual loyalty and sexual union wherein each helps to fulfill the other's sexual needs and desires on an ongoing basis.

3. Either of the above felt mutually, each person for the other.

Comments on the second sense: In the minds of some, being in love is considered an exclusive emotion; in other words, some think that for the emotion to be true and full it must be oriented to a single person, for how else might one feel adequacy in mating, how else can the common need to explore the depths of intimacy (q.v.) be fulfilled, and how can there be the same kind of loyalty to more than one without creating conflict? (See zero-sum view of love.) In the minds of others, being truly and fully in love is not an exclusive emotion, for love is comparable neither to an indivisible lump sum nor to a quantity that is divisible only into smaller portions; besides, intimacy and loyalty issues can be worked out, and adequacy in mating should be a matter of self-fulfillment and mutual respect for individual autonomy whether in the context of monogamy (q.v.) or non-monogamy (q.v.). (See abundant love principle.)

It is sometimes said that being in love inevitably entails an illusion of the one loved, but this comment is countered by the idea that the lover sees an ideal of the one loved, especially when the flaws are also seen and accepted as part of what one would live with.

Having come to know, accept, and bond with a person while in love, there is a strong natural resistance to the breaking of the bond. There are, however, many potential bond-breakers, such as:

• the revelation that one has been deceived in some key way about the one loved;
• the stifling of individual growth or the failure to grow individually in such a way as to acommodate one another;
• the neglect or betrayal of the relationship; and,
• social disapproval of a relationship considered improper.

Whether the bond is intact or not, one may yet be in love with that person, or one may have fallen out of love.

Falling out of love is not to be confused with ceasing to feel the emotionally and sexually felt desire to stay bonded, for that desire may be submerged below the surface of consciousness waiting to be brought out again. Nor is falling out of love to be confused with the downside of fluctuations in emotional intensity, since, to reiterate, the love emotion is not wholly visible to one's consciousness, but has deeper roots which may be either thriving or shriveling despite a lack of intensity of feeling.

Nevertheless, as strong, transcendent, and everlasting as the love emotion often feels, people do fall out of love. They may exchange the emotion for another kind of love (see under "love") or for hatred or for indifference; or they may redirect the emotion to another person; or they may process it through grief, hopefully achieving equanimity.

It is also possible for the love emotion simply to shrivel over time, as memory fades or as quotidian life dulls the set of love emotions or as various resentments encrust them or simply as people grow apart. Human love emotions are not always as enduring as we sometimes idealize them as being.

Yet a person might remain in love with another for a lifetime, even when reality factors prevent bonds or the continuance of bonds.

Common constructions include "deep in love" and "fall in love."

See also admiration, amor mixtus, amorous, amor purus, -amory, amour-passion, anagapesis, androgynophilia, androphilia, Aphrodite's girdle, ardor, Armida's girdle, assot, belong to, besotted, bitten by the love bug, blinded by love, blindness of love, bond, broken heart, captivated, carry a torch for, chemistry, chemistry of love, choice of one's heart, conquest, countertransference, courtly love, crazy about, crush, crystallization, Cupid's golden arrow, Cupid's torch, die with love, dote, doughy-nosed, emotional infidelity, enamored, enchanted, extramarital love affair, fall in love, fall out of love, feeling for, flame, fond of, girdle of Venus, gone on, gynophilia, have a thing for, have eyes for, head over heels in love, heart, heart-slayer, hot love, imaginative split triangle, incandescence, in danger, infatuated, in love at second hand, in love with love, in lust, Laws of Lovers' Passion, like, limerence, limerent, love, love affair, love blindness, love-cracked, love-ends-interest-in-others myth, love interest, love more than one person at a time, love-passion, love remembered, love-shaked, love-struck, madly in love, mashed on, mashy, multiphilia, new relationship energy, old flame, out-of marraige love affair, pair-bonding, partner in love, passion, passionate love, philophobia, pine for, polyamory, raked fore and aft, romance, romantic interest, romantic love, see-saw affair, shine, smitten, spoon, sprung, torchy, transference, undeclared love, union of hearts, unrequited love, violently in love, wildly in love with.

x deep in love.

Quotation from Charles Dickens Illustrating "In Love"
Mystery and disappointment are not absolutely indispensable to the growth of love, but they are, very often, its powerful auxiliaries. "Out of sight, out of mind," is well enough as a proverb applicable to cases of friendship, though absence is not always necessary to hollowness of heart, even between friends, and truth and honesty, like precious stones, are perhaps most easily imitated at a distance, when the counterfeits often pass for real. Love, however, is very materially assisted by a warm and active imagination, which has a long memory, and will thrive for a considerable time on very slight and sparing food. Thus it is, that it often attains its most luxuriant growth in separation and under circumstances of the utmost difficulty; and thus it was, that Nicholas, thinking of nothing but the unknown young lady, from day to day and from hour to hour, began, at last, to think that he was very desperately in love with her, and that never was such an ill-used and persecuted lover as he.
From the novel: Nicholas Nickleby: A Facsimile Edition of the 1938 Nonesuch Dickens, [by] Charles Dickens ([New York]: Barnes & Noble, 2005): chapter 40, p. 523. Originally published under title: The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby ... (London: Chapman & Hall, 1839). The Nonesuch Dickens was originally published, Bloomsbury: Nonesuch Press, 1938.

Quotation from Hilda Doolittle Illustrating "In Love"
We must be "in love" before we can understand the mysteries of vision.
From: Notes on Thought and Vision & The Wise Sappho, by H.D. (San Francisco: City Lights Books, 1982): p. 22. Written in 1919 and published posthumously.

Quotation from Charles Williams Illustrating "In Love"

To be in love must be followed by the will to be love; to be love to the beloved, to be love to all, to be in fact (as the Divine Thing said) perfect.

From the theological work: He Came Down From Heaven, [by] Charles Williams (Grand Rapids, Mich.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984): chapter 5, "The Theology of Romantic Love," p. 112. Originally published: London: William Heinemann, 1938; in series: I believe; no. 5.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "In Love"
[Louise Amberley] I don't think I was in love, but I would be once we had gone to bed together. Or if the emotion I would then feel wasn't love, it would be an extraordinarily belonging, possessive feeling that was really the same thing.
From the novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 2, p. 28.

in love at second hand:

Feeling the emotions of being in love for a person , such as a model or movie star, who is known only or principally through a persona or image.

See also amour de loin, in love.

in love with love:

Intensely desirous of or intoxicated with the emotions and other vagaries associated with infatuation or romance.

Comment: This phenomenon is often distinguished from and sometimes sorted out from being in love with a particular person. In fact, sometimes it exists even to the exclusion of truly being in love with a particular person.

See also infatuated, in love, romance.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "In Love With Love"
She [Kate Leslie] was no longer in love with love. She no longer yearned for the love of a man, or the love even of her children. Joachim [her husband] had gone into eternity in death, and she had crossed with him into a certain eternity in life. There, the yearning for | companionship and sympathy and human love had left her. Something infinitely intangible but infinitely blessed took its place: a peace that passes understanding.
From the novel: The Plumed Serpent (Quetzalcoatl), by D. H. Lawrence (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1926): chapter 3, pp. 54-55.

in lust:

Feeling strong sexual attraction to a person over a period of time without serious love, although there may be an illusion of serious love.

Comment: The term is constructed on analogy with "in love" (q.v.); and being in lust is often constrasted with being in love, for some values of being in love.

See also crush, gone on, have a thing for, have eyes for, have the hots for, infatuated, in love, love-passion, lust, multiphilia, one-itis, sprung, torchy.

inner beauty:

A person's appeal insofar as it emanates from his or her personality, developed traits, and talents worthy of appreciation and as evidenced by accomplishments; the attractiveness of a person's worth as an individual.

Comments: Among elements of personality that contribute to inner beauty, élan, creativity, good-naturedness, and a sense of humor are widely recognized. Among developed traits that contribute to inner beauty, learning, courtesy, graciousness, and various virtues, such as compassion, courage, integrity, and readiness to take responsibility, are widely recognized; although different virtues are emphasized by different cultures, and people with different ethical beliefs may have different takes. For instance, one person may hold that "a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste" (to quote the charater Ouiser Boudreaux in the movie "Steel Magnolias," 1989); while another may hold that chastity is an essential ingredient of inner beauty.

Among traits that negate or detract from inner beauty, a cruel nature, coarseness, a holier-than-thou attitude, hypocrisy, and congenital dishonesty are almost universally recognized. Bigotry would make many lists, but might be less universally recognized. Furthermore, psychological disorders, like depression, are often seen as dampening inner beauty -- whatever one may think of the justness of that.

Inner beauty has a large relational component. It is nurtured in a context of family relationships and friendships; and it is often drawn out, enhanced, and aesthetically complemented in love relationships.

Whereas outer beauty is said to be fleeting, inner beauty is generally lasting (unless destroyed, for instance, by bitterness or by addiction), it is capable of both growing and fructifying over the entire coarse of a lifetime, and it is capable of contributing to the ongoing strengthening of a relationship even (maybe especially) in the wake of rough spots; hence the common advice to choose a mate with inner beauty.

See also attractiveness, human beauty, loveworthy, mate selection, outer beauty.

x beauty.

inner slut:

One's craving to indulge oneself and one's partner(s) sexually; one's desire to act out one's sexual fantasies, especially those of an extraordinary or unconventional sort.

See also libido, sex drive, sexual desire, sexuality, slut.

Quotation from Maureen Dowd Illustrating "Inner Slut"
Before it curdled into a collection of stereotypes, feminism had fleetingly held out a promise that there would be some | precincts of womanly life that were not all about men. But it never quite materialized. It took only a few decades to create a brazen new world where the highest ideal is to acknowledge your inner slut. I am woman, see me strip. Instead of peaceful havens of girl things and boy things, we have a society where women of all ages are striving to become self-actualized sex kittens.
From: Are Men Necessary? When Sexes Collide, [by] Maureen Dowd (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, c2005): pp. 175-176. Dowd is playing off the lyrics of "I am Woman," written by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton and released in 1972.

in (one's) life:

1. Involved in or part of one's personal history or in some or all of the remainder of one's persoanl existence.

2. Sharing the intimacies of one's day-to-day existence, especially as a friend or partner.

See also close, friend, intimacy, partner, together.

Quotation from Armistead Maupin Illustrating "In My Life"
[D'orothea Wilson to Brian Hawkins about Mona Ramsey] "... and my lover accepted a job in San Francisco. We corresponded some after that, never completely losing touch, and I just kept on ... making money." She sipped her Dubonnet and looked at him for the first time. "Now I'm back home, Brian, and all I want is to have this person back in my life again. But that's completely up to ..."
From the novel: Tales of the City, [by] Armistead Maupin (New York: Harper & Row, 1978; "Perennial Library"; in: Tales of the City Series; v. 1): p. 225. The elisions are Maupin's, except that the first also functions to indicate omission, on my part, of speech within quotation marks.

inseparable:

1. Unable to be torn apart.

2. Strongly drawn to or emotionally linked to each other so as to be seldom voluntarily apart.

Comment: In the second sense, often said of friends or lovers.

See also attached, bond, draw to.

Quotation from Armistead Maupin Illustrating "Inseparable"
[Polly] "... Kara met this girl called Weegie last month and they've been inseparable ever since."
From the novel: Significant Others, [by] Armistead Maupin (New York: Harper & Row, 1987; "Perennial Library"; Tales of the City Series; v. 5)): p. 29.

insignificant other (Charles Harrington Elster):

1. A person with whom one has a short-term or off-and-on love affair.

2. A brief rebound relationship, lacking in commitment and characterized by casual or indifferent sexual activity.

Source: There's a Word for It! A Grandiloquent Guide to Life, [by] Charles Harrington Elster (New York, NY: Scribner, c1996): p. 68.

See also amourette, casual relationship, casual sex, comet, dalliance, fling, flirtation, liaison, once-in-a-while lover, partner, rebound relationship, short-term relationship, significant other, stand-by man, stand-by woman, tertiary partner.

InSix (Robert H. Rimmer, 1966):

A group love relationship with six partners.

Comment: In The Harrad Experiment, by Robert H. Rimmer (1966), InSix was a proper name for a particular group comprised of three females and three males. However, the term has been appropriated by some for more general use.

See also group love relationship, hexad, letter group (E, H, xi, pi), pentamory, sextet.

instant family:

1. A family (q.v.) acquired either by marrying into it or by being adopted into it or by a sudden acquaintance with or acceptance by those who view one as a member of the family; a set of relatives gained all at once.

2. Often more especially:

• a single parent plus that parent's child or children, in relation to a person, especially one without children, who marries that parent; or,
• a nuclear family, in relation to a child who is adopted into it.
  

See also new family, nuclear family, single-parent family, stepfamily.

instant messaging:

Chatting in real time, in large part by way of typed words, through an online service designed for the purpose. Generally such services provide the means for members with common interests to find each other.

Comment: The term is included in this Glossary because instant messaging has become a major means of people with romantic or sexual interests finding and communicating with each other. Furthermore, it has raised a host of moral questions bearing on relationships.

See also cyberlove, cyber relationship, cybersex partner, dating buddy, dating plan, discourse of desire, erotographomania, long-distance relationship, love at first text message, online relationship, sexting, sexual correspondence, text messaging relationship, toothing, virtual community.

institutional family:

A family governed by societal conventions; a family in which behavior is oriented to the fulfillment of traditional expectations with regard to roles and norms and which is largely about providing the wherewithal internally for such fulfillment.

Contrast companionship family (q.v.) and romantic family (q.v.). See also family.

institutionalized marriage:

A way of marriage that is subject to the rules and procedures laid out by one or more social institutions that concern themselves with marriage, such as the church and the state.

See also ceremonial marriage, family values, institution of marriage, legally married, marriage, off-the-rack marriage.

institution of marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) or a way of marriage considered as a socially important cultural pattern that has been established by God, custom, a founder, or the state.

See also institutionalized marriage.

intellectual pimp:

In ladder theory, a woman who turns a man into an intellectual whore.

See also intellectual whore, ladder theory, pimp for.

intellectual whore:

1. A well-read person who is also promiscuous.

2. A creative person who sells out, that is, who places his or her mental abilities in the service of bringing in money instead of remaining true to a creative vision.

3. In ladder theory, a man to whom a woman relates platonically without any sexual interest: she wants him merely for his mental qualities or his sensitivity.

Comments: Supposedly a take-off on the title of Woody Allen's short story, "The Whore of Mensa."

Reference
"The Whore of Mensa," in: Without Feathers, [by] Woody Allen (New York : Random House, [1975]): story 6. Originally appeared in The New Yorker, December 16, 1974, p. 37. <Neither examined in hard copy>

See also cuddle bitch, friend zone, intellectual pimp, just friends, ladder theory, platonic relationship, promiscuous, slut, whore.

intended:

1. A fiancé or fiancée.

2. A person one had better have as a mate if one is to have a happy relationship or to have a fulfilling destiny; a person God wants one to have as a marital partner.

Comment: Sometimes used adjectivally, as in "intended husband" and "intended wife."

See also betrothed, fiancé, fiancée, husband, made for each other, match made in heaven, soul mate, spiritual husband, spiritual wife, wife.

intentional family:

A household with a nucleus of three or more adults who have chosen to be in a committed love relationship together, whether or not all are sexual with each other or primary (q.v.) to each other.

See also cellular family, expanded family, family of choice, multimate relationship, non-monogamy, polyfamily.

intentions:

One's objective with respect to one's interest in a person, whether marriage or something else, such as merely a dalliance.

Comment: Traditionally, intentions were considered honorable if marriage or, at least, exploration as to marriage was the objective and if exploitation by means of marriage was not the motive.

See also courtship.

interbreed:

1. To mate and especially to produce offspring, said of members of different groups, especially groups with different physical characteristics.

2. To bring about such mating and reproduction.

See also breed, intermarriage.

interethnic marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different cultures or subcultures.

See also beloved stranger, biracial couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, fusion wedding, interfaith marriage, intermarriage, international marriage, interracial couple, interracial marriage, interreligious marriage, married contrary to discipline, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outmarriage, population race, racial commingling, white wife.

interfacial couple:

Two people in a marriage or love relationship with a great dsparity in looks, one being considered handsome and the other much less so or even ugly.

Comment: Coined by me, June 23, 2009, on analogy with "interfacial marriage."

See also Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, couple, heterogamy, interfacial marriage.

interfacial marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which one partner is considered much more attractive than the other.

Comment: Coined by Belinda Luscombe in 2007?

See also Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, heterogamy, interfacial couple, married all over.

interfaith marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different religions.

See also beloved stranger, convert, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interpretative adultery, interreligious marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, population race, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritual incest, "unequally yoked."

intergenerational relationship:

A relationship (q.v.), especially a love relationship (q.v.)., in which one partner is old enough to be the other's parent.

See also age-gap relationship, alphamegamia, anilojuvenogamy, anisonogamia, cougar relationship, daddy/boy relationship, dysonogamia, gerontogamy, gerontophilia, Lolita, May-December romance, opsigamy, rob the cradle, spring-autumn romance, sugar baby, sugar daddy, unnatural.

interlofted couple:

Two people in a marriage or love relationship with a great disparity in height, one being considerably shorter than the other or, to put it the other way, one being considerably taller than the other.

Comment: Coined by me, June 23, 2009, on analogy with "interfacial marriage."

See also couple, heterogamy, short/tall couple.

intermarital:

1. Involving two or more distinct marriages, marriage to marriage.

2. Involving people of more than one marriage with each other, especially with the knowledge of their partners.

See also comarital, extramarital, interelational, intramarital, marital, nonmarital, postmarital, premarital.

intermarital sex:

Sexual relations between people of more than one marriage, especially when it is with the knowledge and consent of the marital partners.

See also cluster marriage, consensual adultery, corporate marriage, extramarital sex, four-cornered marriage, good match, husband swapping, key club, mate swapping, partner sharing, polyamory, sex, spouse exchange, swap club, swing club, swing, switch club, synergamy, wife exchange, wife swapping.

intermarriage:

1. Marriage (q.v.) between people of different groups that have pronounced differences, for instance, different ethnic or religious groups.

2. Marriage between families, that is, of individuals from those families.

See also amixia, beloved stranger, biracial couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, exogamy, fusion wedding, interbreed, interethnic marriage, international marriage, interracial couple, interracial marriage, interreligious marriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outbreeding, population race, racial commingling, Sixth Commandment of the Church, "unequally yoked," white wife.

internat:

An institution where individuals of the same sex live together in the same building for a considerable time and which can thereby serve as an attraction venue for gays, examples being convents, asylums, prisons, and schools with all-male or all-female dormitories.

Comment: Attributed to August Forel (1905).

See also attraction venue, gay bar.

international marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) between citizens of different countries.

See also green-card marriage, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, international spouse.

international spouse:

1. A husband or wife who is a citizen of a different country from that of his or her marital partner.

2. The foreign husband or wife of a student, especially of a foreign student. In general usage, the focus is often upon such a husband or wife who is domiciled at or near the institution where the student is studying.

See also international marriage, spouse.

Internet affair:

A romance enabled by and conducted via the now global communication network for computers known as the Internet.

Comment: In some usage, the term carries the overtones of an illicit relationship.

See also affair, cyber-affair, cyber-relationship, cyberromance, illicit relationship, online affair, online relationship, romance, sexting, text messaging relationship, virtual affair.

interoffice romance:

1. A love relationship between co-workers assigned to different rooms at a place where business is conducted.

2. The budding and development of such a relationship.

See also fraternization, love contract, non-fraternization policy, office romance, romance, sleep (one's) way to the top, whore (one's) way to the top, workplace crush, workplace romance.

interpersonal enhancement architecture:

The design of buildings and other spaces in such a way as to foster healthy human relationships.

Comment: I coined the phrase in 2006, but, of course, none of the words.

See also abode effect, family-shaped architecture, feng shui love, household architecture, relationship ecology.

interpersonal swinger:

A swinger (q.v.) who prefers to get to know and to like people before having sex with them; a person who prefers to feel an emotional bond with those with whom he or she engages in swinging practices.

See also soft swinging.

interpretative adultery:

A marriage fitting a type disapproved by one religionist or another, or the type of marriage itself -- for example, perhaps interfaith marriage -- insofar as the disapproval is only inferred from and not explicitly stated in the scriptures of a religion of the book.

See also adultery, interfaith marriage.

interracial couple:

Two people, each with a different set of genetically transmitted physical characterisitcs, such as skin color, that have been used to classify human beings, in a dyadic love relationship or marriage together.

Comment: See comment under "interracial marriage."

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, couple, couple of mixed ethnicity, creolism, dyad, Eurasian couple, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interracial marriage, miscegenation, mixed marriage, mudshark, racial commingling, white wife.

interracial marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different races.

Comments: A variety of terms have arisen for the offspring of an interracial marriage or a series of such marriages, for instance: blue skin, bois brûlé, cablinasian, chocoblanca, dingey Christian, half-breed (compare half-caste), mestizo, métis, métisse, mixed blood, mixed breed, miscegnated, mongrel, quadroon, octoroon, Oreo, and racially mixed; also mulatto, which is sometimes subdivided, for instance, dark, high, bright, and very bright mulatto. (Should "Bristol man" be included in this list?) Then there is the one-drop rule, whereby any black African ancestry supposedly makes one black and not a "blue blood."

Note well, however, that, although race as a social construction is worthy of study, the idea of race as a neat way of dividing humankind is faulty, for human beings are on a continuum of differences. This means that the terms "race" and so also "half-breed," etc. have reference much more to social than biological distinction. "Half-breed" and similar terms are often filled with unfair opprobrium when used or may even indicate a deprivation of legal status.

See also allotriorasty, biracial couple, country marriage, couple of mixed ethnicity, creolism, interethnic marriage, intermarriage, interracial couple, letter group (I), miscegenation, mixed marriage, mixed race couple, outmarriage, Pinkerton syndrome, population race, racial commingling, white wife.

interrelational:

1. Pertaining to communication and other dynamics between persons as persons, particularly persons who are in some sort of relationship together.

2. Involving two or more distinct relationships, relationship to relationship.

3. Involving people of more than one love relationship with each other, especially with the knowledge of their partners in love.

See also correlational, extra-relational, intermarital, interrelational, intra-relational, multirelational, non-relational, post-relational, pre-relational, relational.

interreligious marriage:

Marriage (q.v.) between people of different religions or sects, especially those with significantly different beliefs or with a history of hostility between them.

See also beloved stranger, convert, interethnic marriage, interfaith marriage, intermarriage, letter group (I), married contrary to discipline, marry out of meeting, mixed marriage, population race, Sixth Commandment of the Church, spiritul incest, "unequally yoked."

interspacial relationship:

A relationship (q.v.), especially a love relationship (q.v.), between a little person and a person of more typical or larger size.

See also mixed relationship.

in the closet:

See closeted.

in the doghouse:

Out of favor in one's own home or on one's own turf, ordinarily because of some offense or a perception thereof; characterized by having somone with influence on one's life, especially a partner, angry at oneself; in trouble with someone.

Comment: The image, presumably: no welcome or shelter from criticism except with one's dog. The expression is almost always used figuratively.

See also sleep on the couch.

intimacy:

1. The sharing of confidences and daily feelings on equal terms; the opening of vulnerabilities each to the other or others in an ongoing relationship.

2. An instant or easy rapport with and openness to another person; intuiting the invisible dimensions of another person, especially when the intuiting is mutual.

3. Mutual pleasuring in the erogenous zones, most especially the erotic stimulation of the mind-genital axis, entailing an awareness and ongoing exploration of each other's desires.

4. A relationship characterized by any of the above.

See also close, companionate love, consummate love, emotional-jealous intimacy, friendship, gemütlich intimacy, heart, in love, in (one's) life, intimate companion, intimate friend, intimate friendship, intimate network, intrinsic marriage, liking, nest, pillow talk, porcupine's dilemma, reconnecting, sexual relationship, skin-to-skin intimacy, spiritual intimacy, togetherness, triangular theory of love, uncommitted dating.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Intimacy"
[250] Cipriano and he [Ramón], even when they embraced each other with passion, when they met after an absence, embraced in the recognition of each other's eternal and abiding loneliness; like the Morning Star. But women would not have this. They wanted intimacy -- and intimacy means disgust. Carlota wanted to be eternally and closely identified with Ramón, consequently she hated him and hated everything which she thought drew him away from this eternal close identification with herself. It was just a horror, and he knew it. Men and women should know that they cannot, absolutely, meet on earth. In the closest kiss, the dearest touch, there is the small gulf which is none the less complete because it is so narrow, so nearly non-existent. They must bow and submit in reverence, to the gulf.
[423] There was hardly anything [for Kate Leslie] to say to him [Cipriano Viedma]. And there was no personal intimacy. He kept his privacy round him like a cloak, and left her immune within her own privacy. He was a stranger to her, she to him. He accepted the fact absolutely, as if nothing else were possible. She, sometimes, felt it strange. She had so craved for intimacy, insisted on intimacy. Now she found herself accepting him finally and forever as the stranger in whose presence she lived. It was his impersonal presence which enveloped her. She lived in his aura, and he, she knew, lived in hers, with nothing said, and no personal or spiritual intimacy whatever. A mindless communion of blood.
From the novel: The Plumed Serpent (Quetzalcoatl), by D. H. Lawrence (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1926): chapter 17, p. 250; chapter 26, p. 423; compare chapter 27, p. 438. Italics his.

  

Quotation from Gail Sheehy Illustrating "Intimacy"
[177] Where do we find true intimacy? It is found at that point of attachment where your hearts beat as one, when love is transmitted through [178] murmurs and caresses, and you know and are known. That can open the door to the secret place where you are both truly "at home" -- a place to which, with practice, you know you can return, becuase you know the techniques that open that door.
From: Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, [by] Gail Sheehy (New York: Random House, c2006): pp. 177-178.

intimate:

Characterized by intimacy (q.v.).

See also love-performing.

Quotation from Aldous Huxley Illustrating "Intimate"
... she [Mary Bracegirdle] added, "When one individual comes into intimate contact with | another, she -- or he, of course, as the case may be -- must almost inevitably receive or inflict suffering." .... "The difficulty," she [Mary] said, "makes itself acutely felt in matters of sex. If one individual seeks intimate contact with another individual in the natural way, she is certain to receive or inflict suffering. If on the other hand, she avoids contacts, she risks the equally grave sufferings that follow on unnatural repressions. As you see, it's a dilemma."
From the novel: Crome Yellow, [by] Aldous Huxley (New York: Harper & Row, 1974; in publisher' series: Perennial Library; P 336): chapter 24, pp. 123-124. Originally published: London: Chatto & Windus, 1921; in the United States: Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday, Page, 1922.

Quotation from Dorothy Eden Illustrating "Intimate"
"I wasted three years of my life," I suddenly said [to Otto Winther]. "Only three? Oh, dear, Miss Amberley! I wasted seventeen." "You? How? Over a woman? You're not married either?" How did we get to be so intimate so quickly? But I had noticed that that happened abroad, as if one shed inhibitions and privacies. One used strangers as mirrors, looking at oneself frankly for a little while, indulging in confessions, knowing one would never see the accommodating stranger again.
From the novel: The Shadow Wife, [by] Dorothy Eden (New York: Coward-McCann, c1968): chapter 1, p. 11.

intimate companion:

1. A lover.

2. A close friend.

3. A spouse.

See also amari, close, companion, function of marriage, intimacy, intimate friend, lover, partner, spouse.

intimate friend (IF):

1. A person who is fond of one and with whom one shares one's innermost thoughts.

2. A person one is fond of and with whom one engages in sexual activity.

See also close, IF, intimate companion, erotic friend, friend, intimate friendship, intimacy, partner.

Quotation from D. H. Lawrence Illustrating "Intimate Friend"
"Will you make coffee, Louisa?" she [Helena] asked. Louisa lifted herself, looked at her friend, and stretched slightly. "Oh!" she groaned voluptuously. "This is so comfortable!" "Don't trouble then, I'll go. No, don't get up," said Helena, trying to disengage herself. Louisa reached and put her hands on Helena's wrists. "I will go," she drawled, almost groaning with voluptuousness and appealing love. Then, as Helena still made movements to rise, the elder woman got up slowly, leaning as she did so all her weight on her friend. "Where is the coffee?" she asked, affecting the dulness of lethargy. She was full of small affectations, being consumed with uneasy love. "I think, my dear," replied Helena, "it is in its usual place." "Oh--o-o-oh!" yawned Louisa, and she dragged herself out. The two had been intimate friends for years, had slept together, and played together, and lived together. Now the friendship was coming to an end.
From: The Trespasser, by D. H. Lawrence (London: Duckworth, 1912): about three-fifths into chapter 1. <This edition not yet examined>

intimate friendship:

1. A relationship in which the parties are fond of one another and accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts with each other.

2. A relationship in which the parties are fond of one another and engage in sexual activity with each other.

See also close, erotic friendship, friendship, heterosexual friendship, intimate friend, intimacy, male-female friendship, relationship.

Quotation from Judge Lindsey Illustrating "Intimate Friendships"
I even know a few married couples who ... insist that they are in love with each other, and that they don't love anybody else, but that they both like variety, and that they see no harm in what they call "intimate friendships."
From: The Companionate Marriage, by Ben B. Lindsey & Wainwright Evans (New York: Boni & Liveright, 1927): p. 21.

Quotation from James W. Ramey Illustrating "Intimate Friendships"
What do we mean by intimate friendships? All the many types of relationships, including primary relationships, that involve some degree of social, sexual, emotional, intellectual, family, or career intimacy. These are relationships in which the interaction between persons is more important than, but may include, genital to genital interaction. This definition includes several types of marriage of course, as well as many other lifestyles.
From: Intimate Friendships, [by] James W. Ramey (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, c1976): p. 2.

Quotation from Kati Marton Illustrating "Intimate Friendship"
In 1907, during a Bermuda holiday recommended by his doctor, Woodrow [Wilson], unaccompanied by [his wife] Ellen, began what was delicately called "an intimate friendship" with another vacationer, Mary Peck Hulbert. What actually transpired between them is a matter of some dispute, but | clearly something happened -- enough to lead Wilson into a continued correspondence with Mrs. Hulbert , and even to send her $7,500, a huge sum in those days.
From: Hidden Power: Presidential Marriages That Shaped Our Recent History, [by] Kati Marton (New York: Pantheon Books, c2001): pp. 25-26

intimate group:

A coterie of sexually open friends who have varying levels of involvement with each other, at least some of whom are sexually intimate with one another.

See also intimate network, non-monogamy.

intimate network:

1. A circle of three or four, maybe more families who routinely gather together for mutual aid, the nurturing of shared values, and the cultivation of intimacy (q.v.).

2. A friendship web of varying sexual connections and levels of commitment; intimate groups (q.v.) linked together.

Comment: Coined by Frederick H. Stoller, 1970.

See also chains of affection, cycling, distal partner, heart-swapping, intinet, letter group (B), love tangle, non-monogamy, poly web, romantic network, sexual circle, sexual connection, sexual network, synergamy.

x network.

intimate partner:

A person with whom one is involved sexually in a love relationship. This is one of the most popular of gender-neutral/ heterosexual-bias-free terms used with that or similar meaning.

See also partner.

intimate relationship:

A romantic and/or sexual involvement with one or more others. This is one of the most popular of gender-neutral/ heterosexual-bias-free terms used with that or similar meaning.

See also implicated with, love relationship, physical relationship, sexual relationship.

intimate talk:

1. Conversation between people who are close to and comfortable with each other, as between close friends or lovers.

2. Conversation that includes self-revelation of a deeply personal nature, especially on a mutual basis.

Comment: Intimate talk in the first sense is sometimes characterized by a distinctive set of personal idioms used within that relationship.

See also baby talk, discourse of desire, express love, love-discourse, love-prate, obscene language, obscene words, pillow talk, sweet talk.

x talk.

intinet:

Intimate network (q.v.).

 

into (someone):

Inclined to focus one's attentions on a particular individual due to infatuation or love.

Comment: Used with the verb, "to be," as in: "I am just not that into you!"

See also infatuation, love.

intramarital:

Within a marriage; between people who are married to each other.

See also comarital, extramarital, intermarital, intra-relational, marital, nonmarital.

intramarital chastity:

Married but not engaging in sexual relations, this by design.

Comment: This is not to be confused with absence of conjugal relations due to inhibited sexual desire or some other condition.

See also accubitus, agapêtê, agapêtos, agenobiosis, demi-vierge, diasteunia, drone, mariage blanc, sexless marriage, subintroducta, syneisaktism, syneisaktos, white marriage.

intramural romance:

A love relationship carried on between individuals at the same institution, generally a school.

See also love relationship, romance.

intra-pair copulation or in-pair copulation (IPC):

Engaging in sexual intercourse with one's regular mate, said of a member of any apropos species.

This is in contradistinction to extra-pair copulation (q.v.). See also fidelity, IPC.

intra-relational:

Within a relationship; involving members of a relationship with each other.

See also correlational, extra-relational, interrelational, intramarital, multirelational, non-relational, post-relational, pre-relational, relational.

intrasexual competition:

The vying of members of the same sex for something, especially for a mate of a different sex.

See also female-defense polygyny, jealousy, male-dominance polygyny, mate guarding, poach, resource-defense polygyny.

x competition.

intrigue:

An affair (q.v.).

Comment: The word typically carries overtones of deception, delicacy, complexity, or a clandestine situation.

See also action on the side, adultery, amour, amourette, casual relationship, dalliance, escapade romantique, extramarital affair, extramural sexual affair, fling, inappropriate relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, irregular connection, liaison, married at Finglesham Church, sex scandal, short-term relationship.

Quotation from P. W. K. Stone's Translation of Laclos Illustrating "Intrigue"
[The Marquise de Merteuil to the Vicomte de Valmont] I had some thought of making a kind of assistant in intrigue out of her [Cécile Volanges], of employing her, as it were, for subordinate roles, but I see that the material is lacking. She has a stupid ingenuousness ... It is, in my view, the most dangerous malady from which a woman can suffer. It denotes, in particular, a weakness of character which is nearly always incurable, and is an impediment to everything; so that, while attempting to fit the girl for a life of intrigue, we should only be turning out a woman of easy virtue.
From the novel: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [by] Choderlos de Laclos; translated and with an introduction by P. W. K. Stone (Baltimore, Md.: Penguin Books, 1961; in: The Penguin Classics; L116): letter 106, pp. 253-256, specifically p. 254. The mark of omission is mine. The original French edition was published in Paris in 1782.
[The French reads] J'avais en quelque envie d'en faire au moins une intrigante subalterne, et de la prendre pour jouer les seconds sous moi : mais je vois qu'il n'y a pas d'etoffe; elle a une sotte ingénuité ... et c'est selon moi, la maladie la plus dangereuse que femme puisse avoir. Elle dénote, surtout, une faiblesse de caractère presque toujours incurable et qui s'oppose à tout; de sorte que, tandis que nous nous occuperions à former cette petite fille pour l'intrigue, nous n'en ferions qu'une femme facile.
From: Les Liaisons dangereuses, [par] Pierre Choderlos de Laclos; chronologie et préface par René Pomeau (Paris: Flammarion, c1981; in publisher's series: GF; 13): lettre 106, pp. 241-244, specifically p. 242. The mark of omission is mine.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Intrigues"
... his [Wickham's] intrigues, all honoured with the title of seduction, had been extended into every tradesman's family.
From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 48, p. 365. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

Quotation from Herbert Spencer Illustrating "Intrigue"
Of the Hassanyeh Arabs, whose marriages are for so many days in the week, usually four, Petherick says that during a preliminary negotiation the bride's mother protests against "binding her daughter to a due observance of that chastity which matrimony is expected to command, for more than two days in the week;" and there exists on the part of the men an adapted sentiment. The husband, allowing his wife to disregard all marital obligations during the off days, even considers an intrigue with some other man as a compliment to his own taste.
From: The Principles of Sociology, by Herbert Spencer. Vol. I-2 (New York: D. Appleton, 1896): §280, p. 617. Originally published 1876. The reference (unverified) is to: John Petherick (1813-1882), Egypt, the Soudan, and Central Africa (Edinburgh; London: W. Blackwood, 1861): 140-4.

intrinsic marriage:

A marriage (q.v.) in which the needs and desires of the pair hold top priority; a marriage that focuses on the closeness of the spouses.

Source: The Significant Americans: A Study of Sexual Behavior Among the Affluent, by John F. Cuber, with Peggy B. Harroff (New York: Appleton-Century, c1965). See especially chapter 7.

See also close, intimacy, more "married" than, seriously married, symbiotic marriage, togetherness.

involuntary celibacy:

The state that describes a person (a) who has not chosen a sexless life but (b) whose sex partner (or partners) is (or are) unwilling or unable to make love to him or her, at least for a long enough stretch of time to make coping difficult, and (c) who chooses not to seek sexual gratification with anyone else, this for religious or moral reasons..

Comment: Coined by me, May 9, 2007.

See also accubitus, adectia, agenobiosis, celibacy, celibate marriage, diasteunia, involuntary celibate, mariage blanc, sexless marriage, spiritual marriage, white marriage.

involuntary celibate:

A person (a) who has not chosen a sexless life but (b) whose sex partner (or partners) is (or are) unwilling or unable to make love to him or her, at least for a long enough stretch of time to make coping difficult, and (c) who chooses not to seek sexual gratification with anyone else, this for religious or moral reasons, for instance, so as not to hurt the partner(s).

Comment: Coined by me, May 9, 2007.

See also celibate, demi-vierge, drone, involuntary celibacy.

involved with:

In a sexual or romantic relationship with; characterized by having intimate ties with (a person).

Comment: Sometimes shortened, as in, "They're involved" (that is, "with each other").

See also person I'm with, romantic relationship, sexual relationship.

IPC:

Intra-pair copulation (q.v.).

See also EPC.

ipo (Hawaiian term):

Lover, male or female; a sweetheart.

See also boyfriend, girlfriend, huapala, kuualoha, lover, sweetheart.

x Hawaiian terms.

^hiron Aphroditês (Greek):

See temple of love.

irregular connection, or irregular connexion:

1. A sexual encounter or relationship that violates either social mores or the speaker's sense of what is considered proper; scandalous sexual behavior with another.

2. A sexual encounter or relationship that is outside the norm.

See also affair, connection, fornication, illicit love, illicit relationship, inappropriate relationship, indiscretion, intrigue, peccadillo, perversion, porneia, sex scandal, sexual connection, sexual immorality, sexual mores, sexual taboo, unnatural.

irregular marriage:

A marriage approved by civil authorities but not by religious authorities, or vice versa.

See also civil marriage, ecclesiastical marriage.

island custom:

See Portland custom.

isonogamia:

Marriage between persons of the same or roughly the same age.

Comment: I'm guessing that the term is from the Greek isos ("equal") + enos ("pertaining to the earlier of two periods") + gamos ("wedlock"). (It's the enos that I doubt.) However, it is more natural to break down the word this way: Greek isonomia ("equal proportion" or "equality of rights") + gamos ("wedlock").

If the latter represents the actual formation of the word, it ought to mean, "marriage in which the partners have equal rights." For the definition given, I would have expected instead a word formation built upon a Greek term like homëlix or isëlix.

Adding the prefix "an-" negates the term, hence "anisonogamia" (q.v.).

See also alphamegamia, dysonogamia, -gamy, homogamy, isonogamist, isonogamous, May-opsigamy, positive assortive mating.

isonogamist:

1. A participant in a marriage between persons of the same or roughly the same age.

2. An advocate of isonogamy (q.v.).

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "isonogamia," so here included.

isonogamous:

Pertaining to or characterized by isonogamia (q.v.).

Comment: Absent in the dictionaries I've checked, but a natural permutation of the word "isonogamia," so here included.

it:

1. A singular pronoun, used as such wherever "he" or "she" is not more appropriate.

2. A sexual euphemism or, more precisely, avoidance word, used when not wishing to utter a more explicit term. Thus "it" might refer, for instance, to the pudenda, a type of sexual act, a sexual contraption, a contraceptive device, or a venereal disease.

3. Sex appeal.

4. A set of qualities that tend to make for success.

Source: Encyclopaedia Sexualis (1936), which see for citations.

See also sex appeal, thing, X-appeal.

Italian terms:

See amore, Armida's girdle (il cinto d'Armida), becco, bimbo, cavaliere servante, forma divina, ius primae noctis (diritto feudale), marriage à la mode (matrimoni alla moda), petronalla, primo amore, screen for love (schermo di amore), trattàto di amore.

itchy ring finger:

Anxiousness to become engaged or to get married -- with regard to engagement, at least, generally said of a woman.

Comment: By synedoche, the fourth finger of the left hand stands for the person, since by custom it receives the engagement ring (speaking of women) and the wedding wedding ring (speaking of both men and women).

See also anutaphobia, azygophrenia, biological clock, marriage minded, marrying kind, single, Torschlusspanik, unhappily single, wedding bell blues.

item, as in "They're an item":

Individuals, usually two, linked together romantically as a matter of news or gossip.

See also couple.

"It harm none, do what ye will":

See "an it harm none, do what ye will."

"It's not you, it's me":

One of the most common responses to the question, "Why are you breaking up with me?" The response indicates that any inadequacy or fault lies with the speaker rather than with the one being broken up with, which is sometimes true and sometimes a face-saving measure for the other; although, perhaps most often, the response is a deflection from a serious analysis of why the relationship (a third thing) isn't working, since, after all, that would be to belabor the unpleasantness and possibly even undermine the unilateral decision.

Comment: Only the weightiness of the situations in which the response is used keep it from cliché status; but, then, perhaps not.

See also break-up, "I'm not sure I don't want (her or him) anymore" syndrome, unilateralism.

Iuno:

See mea Iuno.

ius connubii (Latin):

Right to copulation.

See also custom of the country, droit de seigneur, ius primae noctis, maritage.

x jus connubii.

x Latin terms.

ius mariti (Latin):

A husband's right, especially to his wife's personal property in some times and jurisdictions.

See also manus, mund.

x jus mariti

x Latin terms.

ius primae noctis (Latin):

"Right of the first night"; the idea that a male other than the husband, such as a lord in a feudal society, may claim sexual access to his vassal's newly wed bride.

Comment: The term has equivalents in other languages, for example, in:

• French: le droit du seigneur (the right of the lord); also droit de cuissage, droit de cullage, droit de culliage, droit de jambage, and many others;
• German: das Recht der ersten Nacht (the right of the first night) and Das Herrenrecht (the lord's right);
• Italian: iI diritto feudale (the feudal right); and,
• Spanish: el derecho de pernada (the right to the legs).

Exercise of such a supposed right and similar practices have a long history, at least in literary expression. It is mentioned even in the Old Babylonian version of the Gilgamesh Epic:

"Gilgamesh, King of Uruk-of-the-wide-marketplaces

lets the drum of the people be beaten, banns of marriage,

so that men may mate with legitimate wives.

[But] he goes first,

the husband comes after."¹

Herodotus (ca. 484-425 B.C.E.) wrote that the Adyrmachidae "are the only tribe [of Libya] with whom the custom obtains of bringing all women about to become brides before the king, that he might deflower the one who seemed to him most agreeable."²

Aristotle, in his lost "Constitution of the Cephallenes," a part of his Politeia, wrote, according to an excerpt found in Heraclides of Lembus (2nd century B.C.E.):

"In Cephallenia a son of Promnesus ruled and he was cruel, and he did not allow them more than two festivals nor to live more than ten days of the month in the city. He himself knew carnally the virgins before they married. Antenor, who had put on a woman's clothing and armed himself with a dagger, got into the bed and killed him. The people honored him and made him their leader, and the virgin for whom he had attacked (the tyrant) became famous."^3-4

The idea that such a right existed in the Middle Ages has been regarded by some as a myth, even that the right was the Heavenly Lord's right to a couple's continence on the first night of their marriage.⁵

References
1 The Epic of Gilgamesh 2.4.31-36, using the numbering in: Ancient Near Eastern Texts Relating to the Old Testament, edited by James B. Pritchard (3rd ed., with supplement. Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1969): p. 78; however, using the English rendering found in: Gilgamesh, translated from the Sîn-leqi-unninnï version [by] John Gardner, John Maier; with the assistance of Richard A. Henshaw (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1984; "A Borzoi Book"): p. 96. Compare 1.2.27-28 in the Akkadian version (ANET3, p. 74; Gardner-Maier, p. 67).
2 Herodotus, Histories 4:168, as rendered in: The Histories, [by] Herodotus; translated by George Rawlinson; with an introduction by Rosalind Thomas (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, c1997; "A Borzoi Book"; in: Everyman's Library; 234): p. 371.
3 The quotation is from: Heraclides of Lembus, Excerpta Politiarum 64 = 383-384, V. Rose = 34:21-36:4, Dilts; as translated in: Heraclidis Lembi Excerpta Politiarum, edited and translated by Mervin R. Dilts (Durham, N.C.: Duke University, 1971; in series: Greek, Roman, and Byzantine Monographs; no. 5): pp. 35, 37.
4 Among possible religious references to the practice prior to the Middle Ages are these: Lactantius, De Mortibus Persecutorum = Of the Manner in which the Persecutors Died 38. Bereshith Rabbah = Genesis Rabbah 26:5. Talmud Yerushalmi, Ketubot 25c = 1.5.I.A-M (Neusner). Talmud Bavli, Shabbat 23a (apparently alluding to 1 Maccabees 1:26-28). Talmud Bavli, Ketubot 3b.
5 Curiosities of Popular Customs and of Rites, Ceremonies, Observances, and Miscellaneous Antiquities, by William S. Walsh (Philadelphia: J. B. Lippincott Co., c1897, t.p. 1904): pp. 314-415, s.v. "Custom of the Country." Among scholarly titles that give a skeptical treatment, see: Jus Primae Noctis: Eine geschichtliche Untersuchung, von Karl Schmidt (Freiburg im Breisgau; St. Louis, Mo.: Herder, 1881). The Lord’s First Night: The Myth of the Droit de Cuissage, [by] Alain Boureau; translated by Lydia G. Cochrane (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1998). Translation of: Le droit de cuissage: la fabrication d’un mythe (XIIIe-XXe siècle), [par] Alain Boureau (Paris: Albin Michel, c1995). <Neither examined first-hand>

See also amober, chin-than, culliage, custom of the country, droit de seigneur, ius connubii, Law of the Conquered, maritage, mercheta mulierum, praegustator, rape, Tobias nights.

x derecho de pernada.

x diritto feudale.

x droit de cuissage.

x French terms.

x German terms.

x Italian terms.

x jus primae noctis.

x Latin terms.

x Recht der erstern Nacht.

x right of the first night.

x rights.

x Shakespeare, William, 1564-1616.

x Spanish terms.

Quotation from William Shakespeare Alluding to the Ius Primae Noctis
JACK CADE. [snip] The proudest peer in the realm shall not wear a head on his shoulders, unless he pay me tribute; there shall not a maid be married, but she shall pay to me her maidenhead ere they have it: men shall hold me in capite; and we charge and command that their wives be as free as heart can wish or tongue can tell.
From: William Shakespeare, The Second Part of King Henry the Sixth (circa 1590-1592): Act 4, Scene 7, lines 127-133.

ivy motto:

"We cling."

Comment: Known especially from romantic postcards of the early 1900s.

x mottoes.

jack-gagger:

A hooker's husband who relies on her earnings from prostitution.

Source: Encyclopaedia Sexualis (1936).

See also husband.

jactitation of marriage (legal term):

Boastfully claiming that one is married to somebody, so creating a public impression that marital union has occurred, when in fact it has not.

See also bloss, blowen, faux wedding, marriage, marriage in jest, shadow husband, shadow wife, sham marriage, spoffskins.

jaded:

1. World-weary; emptied of élan by fatigue, abuse, disappointment, or disillusionment.

2. Rendered, by satiation, either uninterested, numb, or impotent.

Comment: In the first sense sometimes used with the connotation that one is cynical or that one is biased against someone or something because of past experience.

Contrast sex-alive (q.v.). See also anhedonic, aphanisis, asexual, disenchantment, frigid, hyposexual, undersexed.

Quotation from Winwood Reade Illustrating "Jaded"
The voluptuary dreads to be alone; his mind is a monster that exhibits foul pictures to his eyes. His memories are temptations; he struggles, he resists, but it is all in vain; the habits which once might so easily have been broken are now harder than adamant, are now stronger than steel; his life is passed between desire and remorse; when the desire is quenched he is tortured by his conscience; he soothes it with a promise, and then the desire comes again. He sinks lower and lower, until indulgence gives him no pleasure and yet abstinence cannot be endured. To stimulate his jaded senses he enters strange and tortuous paths which lead him to that awful borderland where all is darkness, all is horror, and vice lies close to crime. Yet there was a time when that man was guileless as a girl ...
From: The Martyrdom of Man, by Winwood Reade; with an introduction by J. M. Robertson (London: Jonathan Cape, 1927; in: The Travellers' Library): p. 367. Originally published, 1872.

Quotations from Jack Nichols Illustrating "Jaded"
When a man has found other sexual acts "boring" because he has "done everything" and becomes impotent, he refers to himself as jaded.
From: Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity, by Jack Nichols (Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1975; "A Penguin Original"): chapter 15, p. 210.

jail bait:

A minor to whom an adult is attracted, where statutory rape laws would prohibit sexual activity between the two.

See also man-boy love, pedophile, San Quentin quail.

Quotation from Rita Mae Brown Illustrating "Jail Bait"
[Alice Bellantoni, a minor, to Molly Bolt, an adult] "How are your morals when it comes to sleeping with me? I'm jail bait, ya know."
From the novel: Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown (Fifteenth anniversary ed. Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1988): chapter 16, p. 165. Originally published: Plainfield, Vt.: Daughters, Inc., 1973.

jaina (Spanglish):

Sweetheart; honey; a term of endearment for someone with whom one is in a close love relationship.

Comment: The term is pronounced, KHAI-na.

Source: Spanglish: The Making of a New American Language, by Ilan Stavans (c2003).

See also babe, baby, babycakes, beloved, cutie, cutie pie, darling, dear, dearest friend, dearheart, honey, love (as in "my sweet love"), loverboy, lovey, partner, studmuffin, sugar, sweetheart, sweetie, term of endearment, valentine.

x Spanish and Spanglish terms.

jamph:

1. To scoff, mock, or make fun of.

2. To idle or trifle.

3. To play the part of a jilt, said of males.

Comment: A Scottish word.

See also jilt, jampher.

jampher:

1. A scoffer; someone who mocks; a person who makes fun of another.

2. An idler or trifler.

3. A jilt, said of males.

Comment: A Scottish word.

See also jamph, jilt.

Jane:

See Dear Jane letter, Lady Jane, mary jane.

Japanese terms:

See amejo (jo), goukon, kokujo, nanpa, pillow book (Makura no Sōshi), yarikon.

jauhar (Hindu):

The practice of burning to ashes, en masse, all the wives and daughters in an entire town or district in order to prevent them from falling into the hands of enemies.

See also bride burning, spousal homicide, suttee, uxoricide.

jealous:

1. Possessed by or otherwise feeling jealousy (q.v.).

2. Characterized by jealousy.

See also gelos, green-eyed, horn-mad.

Quotation from Geoffrey Chaucer Illustrating "Jalousye"
I seye, I hadde in herte greet despyt That he of any other had delyt. But he was quit, by god and by seint Joce! I made him of the same wode a croce; Nat of my body in no foul manere, But certeinly, I made folk swich chere, That in his owene grece I made him frye For angre, and for verray jalousye.
From: Chaucer, Canterbury Tales, "The Wife of Bath's Tale," prologue, lines 481-488, in this edition: The Canterbury Tales, [by] Geoffrey Chaucer; from the text of W. W. Skeat; with a note on the language and metre and a glossary (New York: Avenenl Books; distributed by Crown Publishers, 1985; in series: Oxford World's Classics): p. 303. First published in The World's Classics in 1906.
Quotation from the Burton Raffel Translation of Geoffrey Chaucer Illustrating "Jealous"
"My heart, I admit, was churning with bitter rage Whenever he [my fourth husband] took his pleasure from a different page. But I got even, by God and Saint Joducus! I took that wood and made him his own sharp cross -- Not with my body, I would not let that happen, But working hard at making other men happy I let his anger, the bitter grease inside, Flame like a fire and fry his jealous mind...."
As translated in: The Canterbury Tales, [by] Geoffrey Chaucer; a new unabridged translation by Burton Raffel; introduction by John Miles Foley (New York: Modern Library, 2008): p. 171.

Quotation from Ambrose Bierce Illustrating "Jealous"
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Humor from: The Devil's Dictionary, [by] Ambrose Bierce (New York: Dover Publications, 1958): p. 71. Originally published in full in v. 7 (1911) of The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce (New York: Neale Publishing Co., 1909-1912).

Quotation from Charles Williams (1886-1945) Illustrating "Jealous"
Not to be jealous, it is often supposed, condones the sin, if sin there be. That anyhow is false; to be jealous only increases the first sin of infidelity to the Image by developing elsewhere another, that of infidelity to the most noble Love. But there need not be sin; to observe and adore the glory is not sin, nor to receive the humility and charity shed from the glory, of the second image, or indeed any number -- say, up to that seventy times seven in a day which our Lord chose as the only limit of the exercise of love [Matthew 18:22].
From: The Figure of Beatrice: A Study in Dante, [by] Charles Williams (New York: Noonday Press, 1961): p. 50. Originally published: London: Faber and Faber, 1943.

jealous of (someone's) esteem:

Intensely desirous that the other hold a high opinion of oneself or of one's social standing; characterized by wishing for the other's respect and affection.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Jealous of His Esteem"
... She [Elizabeth Bennet] was humbled, she was grieved; she repented, though she hardly knew of what. She became jealous of his [Darcy's] esteem, when she could no longer hope to be benefited by it. She wanted to hear of him, when there seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence. She was convinced that she could have been happy with him; when it was no longer likely they should meet. What a triumph for him, as she often thought, could he know that the proposals which she had proudly spurned only four months ago, would now have been gladly and gratefully received!
From the novel: Pride and Prejudice, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2003): chapter 50, p. 387. Originally published: Pride and Prejudice: A Novel ..., by the author of "Sense and Sensibility" (London: T. Egerton, 1813).

 
jealousy:

1. Emotional disturbance due to the knowledge or suspicion that a person to whom one is or would be attached has one or more other personal attachments. This definition applies to a variety of personal relationships, including, for instance, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, and friendships. It also applies to love relationships, where it may be more specifically described as a complex set of emotions, typically arising out of personal and/or relational insecurity, when one's lover has one or more other lovers or, at least in one's own imagination, would-be or could-be lovers.

2. The will to guard one's exclusive right or privilege.

Comments: Speaking in terms of today's American culture, it is widely believed that jealousy in either or both of the above senses is natural and acceptable when the exclusivity of a relationship is threatened, although jealousy is not generally regarded as a justifiable motive for violence.

Speaking therapeutically, jealousy in the first sense may be an indicator of relational problems or even of emotional problems.

Speaking ethically, agapic love, which is one of the kinds of love that is supposed to obtain both in marriage (Ephesians 5:25-29) and in life more generally, "is not jealous" (1 Corinthians 13:4).¹

Speaking in terms of the inner life, if allowed to fester, jealousy in the first sense can consume the soul and distort one's outlook on life; but addressing it can be an opportunity for both inner and relational growth.

For a lexical example using the spelling "jealousie," see the quotation from Thomas Hobbes under "love."

References
1 For more references in the Bible that could pertain to marital and sexual jealousy, see: Genesis 30:1; Numbers 5:11-31; Proverbs 6:34-35; Song of Songs 8:6; Sirach = Ecclesiasticus 9:1; 37:10-11; Ezekiel 16:38; Romans 1:29; 13:13; 1 Corinthians 3:3; 2 Corinthians 12:20; Galatians 5:20-21; 1 Timothy 6:4; Titus 3:3; James 3:14, 16; 4:2; 1 Peter 2:1.

Contrast compersion (q.v.), frubbliness (q.v.), and synletitia (q.v.). See also alcoholic jealousy, alcoholic paranoia, ask-and-tell eroticism, competition jealousy, conjugal paranoia, cucky angst, deficiency love, delusional jealousy, ego jealousy, emotional-jealous intimacy, envy jealousy, exclusion jealousy, ex-husband envy, ex-husband syndrome, ex-wife envy, ex-wife syndrome, fear jealousy, green-eyed monster, green poison, inevitability myth of jealousy, intrasexual competition, jealousy mechanism, jealousy-rules myth, Lasterkatalog, mate guarding, mate value, more evolved, Othello syndrome, possessive jealousy, projected jealousy, relationship parasite, rules of adultery, rules of love, umbrageous, water of jealousy, wibble, wild with jealousy, zelophilia, zelophobia.

x Greek terms.

Quotation from Jane Austen Illustrating "Jealousy"
'No!' he [Captain Wentworth] replied impressively, 'there is nothing worth my staying for;' and he was gone directly. Jealousy of Mr Elliot! It was the only intelligible motive. Captain Wentworth jealous of her affection! Could she have believed it a week ago; three hours ago! For a moment the gratification was exquisite. But, alas! there were very different thoughts to succeed. How was such jealousy to be quieted? How was the truth to reach him? How, in all the peculiar disadvantages of their respective situations would he ever learn of her real sentiments?
From the novel: Persuasion, [by] Jane Austen (New York: Barnes & Noble Books, c2004): chapter 20, pp. 229-230. Originally published posthumously in: Northanger Abbey; and Persuasion, by the author of "Pride and Prejudice," "Mansfield-Park," &c.; with a biographical notice of the author [by her brother, Henry Austen] (London: John Murray, 1818).

Quotation from Charles Williams Illustrating "Jealousy"

Jealousy does not mean only sex-jealousy; it need not even relate to the lovers at all. Once the authority of the glory has been admitted, all jealousy and envy are against the idea of and the way to caritas, but the "all" must include the sexual. One can hardly keep jealousy out of the office but let it in to the home. It is, always and everywhere, idolatry; it is a desire to retain the glory for oneself, which means that one is not adoring the glory but only one's own relation to the glory. It ought perhaps, for fear of misunderstanding, to be added that the strictest monogamist ought to disapprove of jealousy as strongly as anyone else; the two things are entirely separate. But it must be admitted that we might be a little nearer, intellectually, to pure love, if jealousy had been as passionately denounced as divorce in the Christian Church.

From the theological work: He Came Down From Heaven, [by] Charles Williams (Grand Rapids, Mich.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984): chapter 5, "The Theology of Romantic Love," p. 111. Originally published: London: William Heinemann, 1938; in series: I believe; no. 5. Williams is alluding, if obliquely, to 1 Corinthians 13:4: "charity envieth not" (King James Version) or, in more current English, "Love ... is not jealous" (New American Standard Bible). In the original Greek, the word there for "love" is agapê, and in the Latin Vulgate it is caritas.

Quotations from Jack Nichols Illustrating "Jealousy"
[244] If a man is disillusioned by monogamous nuclear family patterns ... and opts for alternatives, he will fail in those alternatives as long as he carries masculinist values along. If he goes to a commune, for example, his acquired urges to dominate, control, and compete will work to destroy communal life. Jealousy is regarded as the prime problem in communes, the one on which most of such gatherings flounder. This is not surprising when domination and competition among men are not only not questioned but even practiced and encouraged. When these urges step into the realm of affection, they introduce structure, since to be sure of dominance a man must be aware of exactly what he may expect. These urges also introduce measurement, since to determine that he is ahead of a competitor a man must measure the degree of affection he receives and be sure that no one else is as far ahead as he is. If affection is given to anyone else, it is seen as a dreadful loss to the dominating competitor, who has established a prohibition against outside affection, the most sensitive regulation he prescribes. For the woman to copulate with another man would signify that she has capitulated to a competitor.
[248] Not only is jealousy an indication that one partner does not truly know the other (since he has a pedastalized view of that person), but it also says that he or she is dreadfully afraid of being left on his or her own, of being a separate person who is free. Jealousy, in other words, is a response to unwanted freedom, and it has its basis in a culture that rears its children to be dependent instead of self-regulating, autonomous beings.
From: Men's Liberation: A New Definition of Masculinity, by Jack Nichols (Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England; New York, N.Y.: Penguin Books, 1975; "A Penguin Original"): chapter 17, pp. 244, 248. The mark of omission is mine.

Quotation from Anne Carson Illustrating "Jealousy"
The word 'jealousy' comes from Greek zêlos meaning 'zeal' or 'fervent prusuit.' It is a hot and corrosive spiritual motion arising in fear and fed on resentment. The jealous lover fears that his beloved prefers someone else, and resents any relationship between the beloved and another. This is an emotion concerned with placement and displacement. The jealous lover covets a particular place in the beloved's affection and is full of anxiety that another will take it.
From: Eros, the Bittersweet, [by] Anne Carson (Normal [Ill.]: Dalkey Archive Press, 1998): p. 14. Originally published: Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, c1986.

jealousy mechanism:

A trigger engrained by evolution that, when activated, gives rise to feelings that make one want to try to exclude competitors. In a man the trigger, in most cases, is activated by one or more men vying for sexual intercourse with the object of his desire; and in a woman, in most cases, it is activated by one or more women vying for the provider of her desire. All of this is according to hypothesis and is not proven.

Comments: Abbreviated JM.

The hypothesis leaves much to be explained about the complexities of jealousy, human sexuality, and love.

See also jealousy, JM.

jealousy-rules myth:

The generally false notion that one has no choice but to succumb to jealousy (q.v.).

Comment: I have provided a name for the supposed myth, which has been identified as such by others, without, for now, weighing in on any controversy that might surround it (October 18, 2006).

See also inevitability myth of jealousy.

x myths.

jelly:

1. An attractive buxom young woman.

2. A girlfriend.

3. A contraceptive gel.

See also dobash, girlfriend, knitting, lady friend, Lady Jane, long-haired chum, love interest, lover, mary jane, partner, party, pash, popsey, woman friend.

Jemimaite:

An adherent of the teachings of Jemima Wilkinson (1752-1819), a Rhode Island Quaker, who was notable for dressing as a man and discoursing against marriage.

See also misogamist, nonogamist.

je ne sais quoi (French):

"I know not what" or, to paraphrase, "hard to say what it is"; often spoken in reference to a mysterious, undefinable, ineffable, or at least momentarily inexpressable quality, as in a power of attraction that eludes adequate description.

Comment: Sometimes the phrase is used almost as a noun, as in: "She has a certain, um, je ne sais quoi," meaning, perhaps, mystical quality, charisma, allure, charm, or even personal quirkiness.

See also attraction, chemistry, kavorka, kuzbu, magnetism, mystery, sex appeal, shiksappeal, X-appeal, x-factor, za za zoo.

x French terms.

Jesus as married:

See "was Jesus married" question.

jeune fille à marier (French):

Marriageable young woman.

See also angélica, bachelorette, eligible, feme sole, maiden, miss, nubile, single, singlette, unattached, unmarried, unwed.

x French terms.

Quotation from Edith Wharton Illustrating "Jeune Fille à Marier"
[Lawrence Seldon] "Why such unnatural abstinence? Everybody smokes at Bellomont." [Lily Bart] "Yes -- but it is not considered becoming in a jeune fille à marier; and at the present moment I am a jeune fille à marier." "Ah, then I'm afraid we can't let you into the republic." "Why not? Is it a celibate order?" "Not in the least, though I'm bound to say there are not many married people in it. But you will marry some one very rich, and it's as hard for rich people to get into as the kingdom of heaven."
From: The House of Mirth, [by] Edith Wharton; authoritative text, backgrounds and contexts, criticism, edited by Elizabeth Ammons (New York: W. W. Norton, c1990; "A Norton Critical Edition"): book 1, chapter 6, p. 56. The text is based on the first edition in book form: New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1905.

jeune premier (French):

"First young man": the male actor who plays the part, either generally or in a given production, of the principal young hero or lover.

Contrast jeune première (q.v.). See also cute meet, Don Juan, dramatic lover, heartthrob, joyous defeat, leading man, Lothario, lover, Mary Sue story, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance, Romeo, Valentino.

x French terms.

jeune première (French):

"First young woman": the female actor who plays the part, either generally or in a given production, of the principal young heroine or lover.

Comment: Compare the Italian terms, "prima ballerina" and "prima donna."

Contrasat jeune premier (q.v.). See also cute meet, dramatic lover, dulcinea, heartthrob, joyous defeat, Juliet, Lady Jane, leading lady, lothariette, lover, Mae West, Mary Sue story, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance.

x French terms.

jewelry:

See mizpah jewelry.

jezebel:

A woman whose story has a resemblance to or who exhibits one or more traits similar to those of the Ninth-Century B.C.E. Sidonian princess who became consort of King Ahab of Israel, namely Jezebel (in Hebrew: 'Izebel). In the Bible, she is portrayed as wicked (1 Kings 16:31; 18:4, 13, 19; 19:1-2; 21:1-25; 2 Kings 9). Among other crimes, she was accused of "whoredoms"¹ (2 Kings 9:22, King James Version). Apparent use of her as an image can be found in the New Testament, at Revelation 2:20-24, where the church in Thyatira is chided because:

"you tolerate the woman² Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray, so that they commit acts of immorality³ and eat things sacrificed to idols" (New American Standard Bible, c1973).

Comments: Regarding Jezebel's "whoredoms," this is possibly a reference to her promotion of the worship of fertility deities, including the god Baal and the goddess Asherah. She might herself have been a high priestess of Baal Melqart.⁴

For a First-Century C.E. account of Jezebel, see Josephus, Antiquities 8:317, 330-334, 347, 356-362; 9:47, 108, 122-123 = 8.13.1, 4, 7, 8; 9.4.2; 9.6.1, 4. Her being a high priestess is deduced in part from her father, Ethbaal, being a priest of Astarte (Ashtoreth), for which see 8:324 = 8.13.2; and Against Apion 1:123 = 1:18.

For rabbinic mentions of Jezebel see, for example: Midrash Rabbah at Genesis 64:5 (on the biblical text, 26:8); Deuteronomy 5:10 (on 17:14); Esther 3:2 (on 1:9); and Song of Songs 1.6.4 (on 1:6); also Pirkê de Rabbi Eliezer 17.

Notes
1 The Hebrew word rendered here as "whoredoms" is zenunê, from zanah, which means, "have illicit sexual intercourse" or, in relation to God, "be faithless." It can refer to practicing cult prostitution, as apparently at Hosea 4:13-14.
2 The Greek for what is here rendered "the woman" is tên gunaika, gunaika being from gunê, which can also mean "wife." If the latter is the intended sense, then the reference could be to the wife of the bishop over the church of Thyatira.
3 The Greek word here translated as "commit acts of immorality" is porneusai, from porneuô, In this context, I take the word to mean "to violate the sexual code found in the Torah."
4 "Jezebel," [signed] Gale A. Yee, in: The Anchor Bible Dictionary, David Noel Freedman, editor-in-chief (New York: Doubleday, c1992): v. 3, pp. 848-849.

See also Delilah, Messalina.

x Bible.

Quotation from Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt Illustrating "Jezebel"
Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral and destructive -- Jezebel, Casanova, Don Juan. Watch out!
From: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, [by] Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (San Francisco, CA: Greenery Press, c1997): p. 26.

jilt, as in "a jilt":

A person who capriciously discards one or more lovers.

See also jampher, lover.

Quotation from The Spectator Illustrating "Jilts"
[I will] describe a certain species of mankind under the denomination of male jilts. They are gentlemen who do not design to marry, yet that they may appear to have some sense of gallantry, think they must pay their devoirs to one particular fair: in order to which they single out from amongst the herd of females her to whom they design to make their fruitless addresses... her unwary heart becomes an easy prey to those deceitful monsters, who no sooner perceive it, but immediately they grow cool, and shun her whom they before seemed so much to admire ...
From: The Spectator; with notes, and a general index (From the last improved London edition, stereotyped. Philadelphia: J. J. Woodward, 1829): no. 288, portion signed "Melainia" (Wednesday, January 30, 1711-12). The Spectator was written by Joseph Addison, Richard Steele, and others.

jilt, as in "to jilt":

To discard (a lover).

See also break up, crossed in love (which see for lexical example), desertion, ditch, dump, E&E, EwE, flush, get the mitten, get the sack, get the shaft, give the mitten, jamph, jilt, lasslorn, leave, let go, lovelorn, reject, sack, separate, split up, stand (somebody) up, throw over, uncouple, walk out.

JM:

Jealousy mechanism (q.v.).

joc d'amor, or jòc d'amor (Occitan):

"Game of love"; sexual dalliance being spoken of in the imagery of sport.

See also amor, juec d'amor.

x game of love.

x Occitan terms.

jock:

1. An athlete, especially a male athlete.

2. A virile human male, especially one who is sexually promiscuous.

3. Genitalia; usually (since the 19th century) a penis or, sometimes more specifically, a penis in its erect state.

Comment: In the first sense, the term often connotes such a person who enjoys a special status or who is perceived as arrogant, shallow, or unintelligent.

See also agapet, bimbo, Casanova, crumpet man, Don Juan, gallant, gay spark, God's gift to women, heartthrob, himbo, jock block (noun), jock block (verb), ladies' man, lover, lustworthy, macadam, macadamo, make-out artist, masher, multimitus, philanderer, playboy, rake, roué, satyr, skirt-chaser, slut, smellsmock, stud, vert galant, wolf, womanizer.

jock block, as in a jock block:

1. An action taken to obstruct or that serves to obstruct a potential hook up between a man and a man or a man and a woman.

2. A section -- as of a city, town, or school -- with a concentration of athletes.

3. Athleticism, muscularity, or anythng unwelcome that sometimes accompanies them -- such as arrogance, shallowness, lack of intelligence, or even gym odor -- as off-putting, especially with regard to romance.

See also alientation of affections, jock.

Quotation from the TV Sitcom, "Will & Grace," Illustrating "Jock Block"
JACK: [TO RICHARD] Hello there. [WILL PUSHES JACK OUT OF THE WAY, THEN STEPS IN FRONT OF HIM.] WILL: Here's the thing: there's just a few sticking points in the Felner merger. I'm not at all happy with the contracts. RICHARD: Well, fine. We'll get together sometime next week. Thanks, counselor. [RICHARD EXITS TO THE LOCKER ROOM.] JACK: A little rusty, but I'm impressed. You still got the moves, Truman. WILL: What are you talking about, crazy? JACK: You know, swoopin' in with the old jock block. WILL: The what? JACK: The jock block, Will. Or, as they say south of the border, el jocko blocko. [SNAPS FINGERS.] WILL: You're gonna have to help me here. I don't speak pidgin homo. JACK: The jock block, Will. Helloooo! You saw me going for that guy, and you cut me off at the pass.
From the American TV sitcom, first broadcast by NBC: "Will & Grace," episode 1.19: "Will Works Out," written by Michael Patrick King & Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally; directed by James Burrows; transcript by Rob Durfee (Original airdate, April 22, 1999): scene 2; cf. scene 4. Cast: Eric McCormack (as Will Truman) Debra Messing (as Grace Adler) Sean Hayes (as Jack McFarland) Megan Mullally (as Karen Walker) Guest cast: Ben Reed (as Richard Keller) Vanessa Giorgio (as woman in gym) Source: Twiz TV.

jock block, as in jock blocking:

1. To obstruct, stop, or prevent somebody.

2. To obstruct a potential hook up between a man and a man or a man and a woman.

See also jock.

John:

See Dear John letter.

join:

1. To unite with; to link or add to, for instance, to add oneself to another.

2. To participate in the life of another; to involve oneself in another's activities, conversation, or thoughts.

See also cleave, conjoin, marry, mate, splice, wed.

Quotation from Curt Leviant Illustrating "Joining"
[Aviva to Guido] "I'd love to read what you read." She hugged him. "Just tell me and I'll read. That's another way of me joining you."
From: Diary of an Adulterous Woman: A Novel: Including an ABC Directory That Offers Alphabetical Tidbits and Surprises, [by] Curt Leviant ([Syracuse, N.Y.]: Syracuse University Press, 2001; in series: Library of Modern Jewish Literature): p. 84.

joint finances:

With regard to a relationship, the result of handling the assets of the partners, especially their money, as common property directly accessible by each of the partners, joint bank accounts being one of the common features of such an arrangement.

Contrast separate finances (q.v.).

joint konpa:

See goukon.

jouissance:

1. An advantageous possession or right.

2. Merriment, enjoyment, bliss, total ecstasy, complete joy, utter delight, pleasure especially on the part of the whole person.

3. The joy that subsists between lovers or that is the possession of at least one of the lovers, especially in the course of sexual relations; sexual ecstasy entailing both total access and total participation; unconditional self-surrender in the throes of sexual pleasure.

Comment: This is a word with a long history in both English and French.

Over the last several decades, this term, especially in a sexual sense, has played a significant role in French theoretical thought; and it has been differently nuanced by different writers, including Georges Bataille (1897-1962), Jacques Lacan (1901-1981), Luce Irigaray (b. 1932), Hélèn Cixous (b. 1937), and Julia Kristeva (b. 1941).

For a lexical example in French, see under "prude."

See also dissolution, f*ck-happy, incandescence, polyglow, shine.

x French terms.

Quotations from Michael Lucey on Jouissance
[335] Bataille is one of the important theorists to advance the concept of jouissance, which became a mainstay of late-twentieth-century French thought about sexuality. Jouissance, a transgressive experience, an experience of the sacred, is the experience of the dissolution of the finite self at the moment of orgasm in an excess of sensation and mental imagery that cannot be redeemed, controlled, or organized by any social order -- even if the imagery itself represents all the controlling obsession of that very social order. Many later theorists of sexuality reworked this notion -- that the most intense sexual experience creates a moment where the social and psychological forms give way to an opennness whose various potentials remain to be worked out.
[336] Lacan's concept of jouissance resembles Bataille's, in that jouissance seems to be that part of sexuality that cannot be fully captured within language, an experience of a subject's exteriority... Jouissance is a concept that endeavors to account for something in the experience of sexuality that exceeds the sexual relation inaugurated by the regime of the phallus.
From: "Sexualities," [by] Michael Lucey, in: The Columbia History of Twentieth-Century French Thought, edited by Lawrence D. Kritzman; with the assistance of Brian Reilly and French articles translated by Malcolm DeBevoise (New York: Columbia University Press, c2006): pp. 334-337, specifically pp. 335, 336.

journeyman-lover:

A male who who has served as an witting or unwitting apprentice in the arts of love and, though not yet a master at them, is now sufficiently competent to go out and practice them on his own.

See also lover, prentice lover.

journeywoman-lover:

A female who who has served as an witting or unwitting apprentice in the arts of love and, though not yet a master at them, is now sufficiently competent to go out and practice them on her own.

Coined by me, June 2006, on analogy with "journeyman lover." But perhaps it already exists.

See also lover, prentice lover.

jow-fair:

An event, such as a wedding (perhaps most notably a wedding), canceled at the last moment, like a bell that has been rung but not fully swung.

Comment: Ringing but not fully swinging a bell is called jowing it.

See also cold feet, premarital nerves, runaway bride, runaway groom, wedding.

joyous craft:

The art of music and love combined.

Comments: "The joyous craft" is an English translation of a term -- namely, el gai saber -- associated with the troubadours of Provence (southeastern France) in the late Middle Ages. El gai saber can also be translated, "the joyous science."

Source: The historical novel, The Fool of Venus: The Story of Peire Vidal, by George Cronyn (New York: Covici-Friede, 1934): p. 435.

See also art of love, courtly love, romance.

x gai saber.

x joyous science.

x Occitan terms.

joyous defeat:

The overcoming of character flaws in the interest of romance, or the story thereof.

Comment: This is cinema lingo, that is, a film term; and the joyous defeat is a staple of romantic comedies.

See also cute meet, jeune premier, jeune première, offscreen squeeze, on-set romance.

joyous science:

See joyous craft.

jubilee:

A special anniversary (q.v.), for instance, a 25th, 50th, 60th, or 75th wedding anniversary.

See also diamond jubilee, golden jubilee, sterling silver jubilee, wedding.

judgmentalism:

1. Either arrogation to oneself or a tendency to arrogate to oneself decisions about guilt or punishment or quality that are proper for others alone to decide, for instance, a judge, a jury, a supervisor, or God.

2. The thinking ill either of others or of somebody in particular, or the tendency to this; eagerness to assign blame.

3. The giving of personal criticism, especially in the form of moral condemnation, or the proneness to this.

4. The regarding of the behavior of another as offensive when it is hurtful to noone other than the author of the behavior, or the proneness to this.

5. The presumption that one is capable of rendering a worthy opinion about another person without "having walked in the other's shoes," as the figure of speech goes, especially when this presumption is accompanied by a distinctly unsympathetic stance.

6. The exceeding of one's own specific responsibilities with regard to the personal morality of other people.

7. The holding of opinions about the private lives and sexual relationships of other people, or the tendency to form them.

8. Either the measurement of or the tendency to measure the private lives and sexual relationships of other people according to an external moral standard, rather than according to what is workable for the principals involved.

9. Inability or unwillingness to transcend one's own biases and one's personal investment in an opinion in order to assess it neutrally.

See also nonjudgmental, public character of sex, sexosophy, sexual morality, stigmatic guilt.

judicial divorce:

Official termination of a civil marriage (q.v.) by a judge, who also decides the distribution of assets and child custody.

Observation: That a judge possesses state authority to terminate a marriage is a common element of statist philosophy.

See also divorce.

judicial separation:

A status decreed by a court in which the spouses cease to cohabitate and any control of one spouse over the other is terminated, but which leaves the marriage and property rights in full effect.

See also divorce, divorce a mensa et thoro, divorce from bed and board, limited divorce, separation.

juec d'amor (Occitan):

"Debate on love" : related poems that take different sides on an issue having to do with romance; a poem on love by one poet with a poetic counter ordinarily by another.

Comment: This is a literary term. However the term is sometimes used in a non-literary sense and in that sense is often translated "game of love," for which the more usual spelling is joc d'amor.

One of the most discussed passages containing the term is "Ben Vuelh," by Guillaume IX (1071-1127).

Reference
For text and English translation of "Ben Vuelh," plus a note on juec d'amor, see: Lyrics of the Troubadours and Trouvères: An Anthology and a History, translations and introductions by Frederick Goldin (Garden City, N.Y.: Anchor Press/Doubleday, 1973; "Anchor Books"): pp. 34-35, §5:11.

See also amor, joc d'amor.

x debate on love.

x Occitan terms.

juggle hearts:

To attempt to cultivate or maintain two or more love relationships at a time.

Comment: Often the implication is that one runs a high risk of breaking one or more hearts.

See also heart, juggler, love more than one person at a time, polyamory.

juggler:

1. Someone who skillfully keeps two or more objects continuously moving from hand to air, hand to air, by catching and tossing.

2. Someone who practices deception or fraud, for example, by "juggling" accounts. (For a lexical example from Shakespeare, see under "thief of love.")

3. By analogy with the first definition, someone who is busy handling a multitude of duties and other high priorities where time pressures are such that the high priorities tend to encroach upon one another, as often happens, for instance, to adults in family life.

4. By analogy with the first definition and, in some cases, with overtones of the second, someone who has two or more lovers at the same time and who skillfully manages to keep them both or all, as the case may be, content at least much of the time.

5. By analogy with the first definition and, in some cases, with overtones of the second, someone who has responsibility for two or more families at the same time.

See also bigamist, collector, juggle hearts, lifestyler, lover, polyamorist.

juggler family:

A family (q.v.) with children whose parents work outside the home or whose single parent works outside the home, in order to mke ends meet -- this in contrast to a traditional family with one parent as homemaker and another as breadwinner; a family in which any and all adults must be breadwinners, if possible.

Comment: Attributed to Karen Kornbluh.

See also breadwinner.

Juliet:

1. A man's female lover (q.v.), especially one who has any characteristics, such as ardor (q.v.), similar to those of the character of the same name in the play by William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet (circa 1594-1597).

2. A female who is in a relationship similar in any way to the relationship between the characters Romeo and Juliet in the aforementioned Shakespearean tragedy, for instance, a relationship that leads to the doom of the lovers.

See also Delilah, Don Juaness, dramatic lover, dulcinea, jeune première, leading lady, lothariette, Mae West, Messalina, Romeo, star-crossed lovers, wertheritis.

jump from lap to lap:

1. To change one's boyfriend or girlfriend frequently; to be inconstant in one's romantic attachments,

2. To be sexually promiscuous.

See also butterfly, date around, kitten, promiscuity, put it about, sleep around, womanize.

x lap to lap.

jump off the dock:

To get married.

Source: Sea Slang of the Twentieth Century: Royal Navy, Merchant Navy, Yachtsmen, Fishermen, Bargemen, Canalmen, Miscellaneous, by Wilfred Granville; introduction and etymologies by Eric Partridge (New York: Philosophical Library, 1950): p.48.

See also bundle man, fit double clews, hen frigate, marry, sloping billet.

jump over the broomstick:

To take a spouse without formal ceremony or legal proceedings.

Brewer explains: "A 'brom' is the bit of a bridle; to 'jump the brom' is to skip over the marriage restraint, and 'broomstick' is a mere corruption." Thus phallic and Wiccan associations would seem to be preempted.

Reference
Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, Giving the Derivation, Source, or Origin of Common Phrases, Allusions, and Words That Have a Tale to Tell, by E. Cobham Brewer (New edition, revised, corrected, and enlarged; to which is added a concise bibliography of English literature. Philadelphia: Henry Altemus, c1898): p. 692.

See also besom wedding, broomstick-marriage, handfasting, jump the besom, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, marry, marry over the broomstick.

jump the besom:

To jump over the broomstick, that is, to marry informally.

Comment: A besom is a broom, especially one made with a bundle of twigs.

See also besom wedding, broomstick-marriage, handfasting, jump over the broomstick, married but not churched, married on the carpet and the banns up the chimney, marry, marry over the broomstick.

jump the grenade:

To "sacrifice" oneself on behalf of one's companions by hooking up with the least attractive person among a group of friends, so that one's companions will have a better chance to hook up with the others, since those others will be less concerned about leaving anyone out.

Comment: In the military, sometimes a soldier with throw himself on a live grenade in order to save his or her fellow soldiers, hence the metaphor.

At times, "throw oneself on the grenade" is the expression used. "Jump" has a more sexual connotation.

Example: "Come on, take one for the team and jump the grenade."

See also grenade, grenade jumper.

x throw oneself on the grenade.

jungle love:

Attraction or a love relationship or sexual relations insofar as any of the preceding is or are associated with freedom from social conventions, disregard of social conventions, or wildness more generally, for instance:

• attraction of the sort where one is wild with desire to the point of having no tolerance for external restrictions;
• a love relationship on a desert island or in a primitive environment, especially in the tropics;
• copulation between animals, especially animals associated with the tropics.
  

Comment: The term sometimes lends itself to racist or condescending usage, for instance when applied to a relationship between a person of a so-called "civilized race" and a person of a so-called "primitive race."

See also attraction, country marriage, love, love relationship, mudshark, racial commingling, wild.

Junior Anti-Sex League:

1. A fictional organization for the repression of the sex instinct society-wide, an organization which plays a significant role in the dystopian novel by George Orwell, 1984 (1949).

2. By way of allusion, any social organization that resembles the preceding in purpose.

See also abstinence, aterpist, celibacy, puritan, sex-negative stance, wowser.

x Anti-Sex League.

Quotation from George Orwell Illustrating "Junior Anti-Sex League"
The aim of the Party was not merely to prevent men and women from forming loyalties which it might not be able to control. Its real, undeclared purpose was to remove all pleasure from the sexual act. Not love so much as eroticism was the enemy, inside marriage as well as outside it... The only recognized purpose of marriage was to beget children for the service of the Party. Sexual intercourse was to be looked on as a slightly disgusting minor operation, like having an enema. This again was never put into plain words, but in an indirect way it was rubbed into every Party member from childhood onwards. There were even organizations such as the Junior Anti-Sex League which advocated complete celibacy for both sexes. All children were to be begotten by artificial insemination (artsem, it was called in Newspeak) and brought up in public institutions. This, Winston [Smith] was aware, was not meant altogether seriously, but somehow it fitted in with the general ideology of the Party. The Party was trying to kill the sex instinct, or, if it could not be killed, then to distort it and dirty it.
From: 1984 : A Novel, by George Orwell (New York:, N.Y.: New American Library, 1950, c1949; "A Signet book"; 798): chapter 1:6, p. 52. Originally published under title: Nineteen Eighty-four. First British edition: London: Secker & Warburg, 1949. First American edition: New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1949.
Cover art, signed Alan Hamar (or Harper?), from a copy of the 4th printing, February, 1951, in the library of Norman Elliott Anderson. Photographed by me, August 19, 2009. For a scanned image of another copy, click here.

junior high sweetheart:

See high school sweetheart.

junior husband:

In a polyandrous or group marriage and relative to either another husband or all husbands, a male partner who has been in the marriage for less time or who is the younger or who is inferior in family rank.

See also group marriage, husband, polyandrist, second husband, senior husband.

junior wife:

In a polygynous or group marriage and relative to either another wife or all wives, a female partner who has been in the marriage for less time or who is the younger or who is inferior in family rank.

See also lesser wife, nirimoua, plural wife, polygynist, secondary wife, second wife, senior wife.

Juno:

See mea Iuno.

jus connubii (Latin):

See ius connubii.

jus mariti (Latin):

See ius mariti.

jus primae noctis (Latin):

See ius primae noctis.

just friends:

1. Individuals, usually two, who know and like each other, but who are not directly involved with each other sexually -- especially such individuals of different sexes or of complementary sexual orientation.

2. Individuals, usually two, who know and like each other, but who are not directly involved with each other sexually or pursuing a committed love relationship, even though at least one is in love with the other.

3. Friends with benefits who do not consider their relationship to be an impediment to one of them forming a love relationship with another person.

Comment: "Let's just be friends" is abbreviated LJBF.

See also Beauty-and-the-beast relationship, cuddle bitch, friend, friend with benefits, friend zone, heterosexual friendship, intellectual whore, kiss of death, LJBF, male-female friendship.

just married:

Recently wed.

Comment: Sometimes used on signs attached to the cars of newlyweds.

See also newly wed.

kaid:

See kate.

kama, or kāma (Sanskrit):

Erotic love, desire, and sensuality.

See also erotic love, sexual desire.

x Sanskrit terms.

kate:

To have sexual desire, said of a cat or, metaphorically, of a person.

Comment: Variant spellings include "cait," "cate," and "kaid."

Source: An Etymological Dictionary of the Scottish Language ..., by John Jamieson (A new ed., carefully revised and collated, with the entire supplement incorporated, by John Longmuir and David Donaldson. Paisley: Alexander Gardner, 1879-1882): v. 3 (1880), p. 6.

See also bream, clicket, eassin, go to his towrus, horny, lust, sexual desire.

x cait.

x cate.

x kaid.

kavorka:

Lure of the animal, attributed to a crude man to whom women are powerfully drawn; animal magnetism or charisma as detected by women, characteristic of some unpolished men.

Coinage: The American TV sitcom, "Seinfeld," Season 5, Episode 72 (or 75?), "The Conversion," written by Bruce Kirschbaum, directed by Tom Cherones (first aired, December 16, 1993). The word is put into the mouth of a Latvian priest, but apparently it is not a true Latvian word.

See also attraction, chemistry, chick magnet, je ne sais quoi, kuzbu, magnetism, sex appeal, shiksappeal, string, X-appeal, x-factor, za za zoo.

keep (a person):

1. To maintain a relationship with (a person).

2. To provide for the board, room, and other expenses of (a person, such as a lover).

See also keeper, keeperess, kept man, kept woman.

Quotation from Rita Mae Brown Illustrating "Keep"
[Carrie, to her lesbian step-daughter, Molly Bolt] "Now see, it don't make sense for you to want women. No woman's gonna keep you. You go out there and marry some man and he'll keep you. You'll have money then. You'll be sorry. There's no security with a woman."
From the novel: Rubyfruit Jungle, by Rita Mae Brown (Fifteenth anniversary ed. Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1988): chapter 17, p. 188. Originally published: Plainfield, Vt.: Daughters, Inc., 1973.

keeper:

1. A person one may have a chance to have and would like to have as a mate, as in, "He (or she) is a keeper."

2. A lover or mate one intends to hold on to permanently.

3. A person who provides for the board, room, and other expenses of a lover. If this person is distinguished from a keeperess, then the person is a man.

See also keep, keeperess, kept man, kept woman, love interest, lover, mate.

keeperess:

A woman who provides for the board, room, and other expenses of a lover.

See also keep, keeper, kept man, kept woman.

keep government out of the bedroom:

See get government out of the bedroom.

keep her barefoot and pregnant:

See barefoot and pregnant.

keep on a stringer: