Wednesday  04/28/04

Wednesday.....a good day for the body

Good day today.  Skate six miles this morning.  Belinda went to the beach with some friends and I had time alone.  Kinda nice actually.  Took care of some chores then I went bike riding for a few miles down some new trails I found off of Hillcrest.  Real nice place with some creeks to cross.  Physically feeling real good lately.  

Thought about Leigh Ann again.  She is growing up so fast.  Heck, she is grown.  Playing with pictures again makes me wonder what she is doing and how she coping with graduation.  I know her prom and track has passed.  I hope all is well.  I want to be close, I want to be there, I want, I want, I want.....hell....I love her.  All will be fine.

Krista seems happy lately.  We seem to be so much closer since my last trip there.  I can't wait to go back again for Leigh Ann's graduation.  I will get to see everyone, including my mom.  I miss her also.  Why can't everyone just live here?  I love my family....I need them so much.

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Tuesday  04/21/04

Tuesday....findingmoney and Columbine

Five years since Columbine....the shows continue, the painful pictures still exist and we still don't know what demons lived in those boys.  They weren't men, only boys, with minds easily swayed, easily destroyed, and easily turned away from reality.

I think I can finally sleep tonight, after not being able to for the past three weeks.  I have been waking each night, in panic from fear of hurting those that I promised to help.  The ladies of the 711 Signal Battalion Guard Unit in Baldwin County need our support.  I promised them that I would take care of their expenses for the packages they want to send to their loved ones serving in Iraq.  They brought the packages, and I couldn't find the support in the community to help pay shipping.  The money did not exist.  How could I tell those ladies that I would not be able to do as promised, that I was to let their families down.  Every night, I woke, in panic, worried.

Today I was allowed to speak before the county commission.  I was stunned with the results.  Only seeking $1,000, we were awarded over $9,000 to help the ladies in our community.  I am proud and so excited to see all of our hard work to pay off.  I am proud to be able to help those in need.  Women who can't afford to send any type of package overseas to show support, care, understanding and love.  They need our support.

Belinda set our room up with the weight bench and free weights.  I started tonight......OUCH !!!

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Wednesday 04/15/04

Thursday....where is Friday?

Thursday, oh Thursday, where is Friday?  Why are you holding up another week?  Why are you still getting in the way?

Another freaking long week.  I just want it over.  Between work, raising money to support the families of the 711 guard unit fighting in Iraq, home and work...and work...and work......I NEED A BREAK!!!  Where did I get off thinking running a 50 million dollar business would ever be easy?  I think I was tricked by someone.  Sam, how could you have ever done this to me?

Saturday will be a good day.  I hope to go to Birmingham to see my daughters.  Kinda strange when I think about it.  I want to go to help them, to talk to them, to be close, but not butt into what they have going on.  I hope they are honest in wanting me to be there.  Oh well, I am gonna be there anyway, I love them so much.  No one person could stop me.

Man, oh man, my life must be boring this week.  Oh yeah, still waiting on the doctor's results.  Being dizzy for a week is not fun.  The funk finally passed today.  Felt like a normal person.  Nothing like being dizzy for a week.  I hate when nature jumps up and screams at me..."Get ready, this is just a taste of what being old is going to be like"    Just when things go good, your body always has to show you that you are a living creature and remind you that it needs attention.  No longer a floating mind, astral like, living in thought...the body refuses to be left out.

Leave me Thursday and Friday do your damage, for my children, ones I love, await me on Saturday.  

Sunday 04/11/04

Easter at home...

What a great way to start the day.  I slept until eight o'clock.  The first time I have been able to do that in a long time.  The kids were up early with their Easter baskets.  The day is starting out relaxing, thunderstorms are all about us.  It looks like a day spent inside.  

Last night I was sent a link to a site that contained a video of an old high school friend of mine, who now works at the University of Texas, El Paso.  We really do age after 30 years!  There, was Conrad Haden, looking so much older, almost unrecognizable, but the person I knew who could smile with his eyes.  Some things never change.

The last day of the Masters.  Will Phil finally win?

Skate six miles after the rain let up....I need new skates!  Has to be the skates...they are so slow....or is it just me?  Hmmm...is that why they have skates with five wheels?   Faster, man, faster!

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Saturday 04/10/04

That Dang Bunny.... 

It's finally over....the dreaded bunny day!  It has passed....I can't stand holidays!!!   Who invented them, who created this mass hysteria.  People going nuts to buy baskets of candy, in the name of a bunny.  And the eggs, what the heck do they have to do with a bunny???  So, is the bunny a thief, waking early in the morning, raiding chicken coups all over the world, stealing from basket weavers and hopping everywhere to give his gifts?  All this with no parental threats, it has to happen.  The bunny doesn't discriminate between bad and good children like Santa. In the eyes of the bunny, we are all good.  I like the bunny!

Other than that, I am having one of my light headed days.  Bent over to move something, and all went black.  Strange sensation, passing out.  Strange stuff, being light headed for a couple of hours.   

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Thursday 04/08/04

Unconditional Love

Another Thursday, another long day.  Three days to go for Easter. 

 Last night I wondered about the need for unconditional love.  A love everyone seeks, a love everyone needs.  Then again, I thought of letting down those that I should be showing that type of love to.

My mother....I feel the need to be with her.  The need to spend time with her.  She is my mom and we are close, so much alike.  I miss her always.  I feel like I am letting her down by allowing her to be alone.

Belinda....loving her, needing her, but having to divide my attention in so many directions...husband, father, son, provider, individual.....being all, and at times not succeeding in any.

My oldest daughter....I worry so much about her.  If she could only learn that all that happens in life is under her control.  Relying on others to correct problems will lead to disaster.  Seeking support and advice is what is needed, not others to do the things that are needed.  Support in learning how to obtain the goals desired and support in reassurance is all that is needed in life.  Independence and the strength to believe.

Leigh Ann....I worry when I see insecurity in someone so young.  She is at that junction where she is leaving friends, leaving the security she has pulled around her, leaving the life she loves.  I hope she chooses the right paths, learns independence, an extremely strong Lazarus family trait, for we are a family of independent people.  It's a shame to have a trait that doesn't rely on others for reinforcement of security.  That part I am still trying to find, the security of the ones I love and that I need to love me.

Jessie, so withdrawn, leaving childhood, having to grow up, having responsibilities as such a young age.  Learning about peer pressure.

Brandon, forever young, forever in wonder, living in youthful innocence, forever giving unconditional love to all.  He has what we all seek, a life of no troubles, a life of excitement and love.

So much love given, so much love needed.  Someone please tell me how to do it, someone tell me how to know my mistakes.  Someone help me provide the feeling of security to those that I love.  

Then again, when I stand back, read what I have written and think of the ones that I have to love, I am a most fortunate man.  I am happy to have to people in my life that I love and that love me.  Maybe I should learn from my dad.  He tried so very hard to earn everyone's love, to take care of everyone, at times to the point of pushing them away.  Unconditional love, it exists, it is there, let it grow.

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Sunday 04/04/04

Spring forward

This always seems to be the longest day.  The day that time jumps forward an hour.  I wake up mad because I am late getting going.  Then the day takes forever due to it being dark so late.  In reality, that is a good thing, because now I can go skating after work.

I started my day at the park.  Skated four miles this morning.  I hate my new skates, they are for beginners.  They are making me work to hard.  Oh well, the worst that could happen is my legs and lungs get stronger.

Brandon and I went to the park later this afternoon.  We walked the circuit and I was impressed as he kept up with me as we walked a mile together.  He is non stop talk all the way.  He has the most unique perspective of life I have ever known.  We then threw a Frisbee for a while.  He seems to be getting the hang of it.  One good summer and he will be a young pro.  

My brother came over today.  Funny how the older we get, the more in common we have in outlook and opinions.   He loaned me his new Neil Young CD, Greendale, knowing that I would take to it instantly.  A simple collection of country themed rock, about a simple life.  I listened to it today as I had to drive to Bay Minette to attend a wake.  Fitting music, about age, life and death.  The old guy still amazes me, I wonder how old he is now, cranking out lyrics and theme music.  Makes me want to move out there, to go back in time, to enjoy nature and live in a small caring community.  Even death is peaceful there.  The whole town shows,  as friends and family meet to remind each other the power of love and life. Belonging to a community is something lost in much of today's world.  We all want to belong.

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Saturday 04/03/04

Long day, busy work day...time at home

Long day at work, after working till 11 last night.  I hate Fridays.  They make Saturday a miserable day, just a struggle to stay awake.  But I still love my job and my family, so all is good and worth the effort.  I just wish I had more time to give all of my family, to give them special times that we could all remember.  Vacations, outings, fun times that others get to live.  Building memories for others is special.  My parents did that for me, I wish I could do that for my children.  All I can do is to let them know that I love them.  At times all I can do is to hope that there is value in that.  My love, my life, my family.

Red Tillman retired today.  I have known Red for about 20 years.  A hard working family man.  Red gave his life to Smith Bakeries, Sunbeam Bread, in Mobile for over 30 years.  No man knows bread like Red.  A fine man, a man unsure of his future, a man on a new path.  I bet Red was around when that logo was first used.

We watched Brother Bear tonight.  Pretty good little movie.  Little Man liked it.

I miss my dad.  He has been on my mind so much lately.  I admire him so much.  He sacrificed his personal happiness for his family.  He was a better man than I....so many memories....so much love.

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Thursday 04/01/04

April Fools

April Fools !!!   Who is the fool, who is the wise guy, who is the winner and  who is the loser.  Mrs Barbara, a greeter at work, had the ultimate joke on her today.  Her body gave way and she was found at home dead.  I hope she did everything she wanted in life.  She was a kind lady, she had aches and pains, her body was abandoning her in the last year.  I hope she is with someone, happy now.  Cruel April Fool.

She is another reminder that there is no room in life for anger and accusations.  Learn to respect and help each other at every opportunity.  It is sad when I can go places and be cordial to strangers and see the look of shock in them.  What happened to the civilized world, have we all become so cautious, so fearful that we have lost touch as beings.  Were we created to hate and kill one another?  No man will discover meaning until we pass that....till we pass our life of threats and intimidations.

Work was good today, my ship is running well.  The crew is in good shape and they are sharp on duty.  We continue to do our routine jobs, try to be creative and support ourselves in our daily missions.  Our visitors continue to increase as we offer more support to our customers.  I am proud today, proud and thankful.

Belinda picked up my truck today.....it sure looks good!  The PawPaw truck is back!

My favorite university is struck with a severe case of stupidity again.  Yes, the University of Alabama refuses to recognize the black man.  To Sylvester Croome, I apologize.  How dumb can we be?

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