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Monday
12/29/03
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I will
listen, as you lose all respect..... |
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Why
do people think intimidation through threats or just plain
ugliness is the best way to get a response. I see it
so many times at work. People who instead of talking
or being honestly open about problems, feel that by
yelling and threatening the ones around them, that they
are making a point.
I feel like
yelling back at them, since its obvious that is the only
way they know how to communicate, that I am intelligent
and that my hearing is fine, thank you. It bothers
me more that I let someone down, than to let someone be
ugly with me. Hate to tell em, but when it comes to
threats or yelling, I mentally shut down. I quit
listening, because always catch myself going into a mode
of wondering where the hell does this attitude of
intimidation come from. I start to study the anger
and lose track of what is really being said. I can
figure out the supposed cause of the anger, but not the
exhibition of it.
In studying
the anger and the method of attack, I really wonder if
that person is compensating for something. Are
they afraid, are they intimidated, were they brought up
that way by some deranged parent? Where does it come
from? Do they have to compensate for a lack of
control in other areas of their life, are they really so
unhappy with life and the people around them that this is
the only way left for them to communicate their
unhappiness?
So...why,
oh why, do you yell?
Why do you
threaten those who would listen to you?
What has
anger ever solved for anyone?
Why do you
threaten harm to the ones who desire to be close to you?
Why?
Do you know what you are doing to the ones who endure your
display of ignorance?
Do you do
this to the ones closest to you?
Who do you
care to please in life, the people in your life that want
to help you, or one who does not respect you enough to
talk to you?
Why?
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| Saturday
12/27/2003 |
Family...Christmas
2003 |
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Everyone is
home today. Belinda, Jessica, Brandon, Krista and
Leigh Ann. Though at times it is pretty loud and
busy, I am happy. I am excited at being surrounded
by the ones I love. I feel spread thin, as I am sure
everyone else does. I want to be close to each, yet
have to spend time within the group. While this may
not always feel natural, it is the best we will have
together, and I am going to enjoy every possible
minute.
Krista and
Leigh Ann continue to grow and mature. Krista a
sophomore in college and Leigh Ann, soon to start college
next fall. I am so very proud of them. They
have begun the journey of determining their paths in
life. How do I tell them that they can choose the
path, but many times others will change that path for
them? The only advice I can offer is to be careful
and evaluate the potential in every new path that you take
and learn to recognize a bad situation when it is in front
of you. Take another path when needed. It is
rare, the person who at an early age can select the path
they desire and never stray from it. I guess its
part of human nature, to want see what is around the next
curve on the unseen path.
Krista, my
oldest, will always be special in her own ways for
me. I have memories that will never leave. I
won't allow them. To this day, she still shows the
innocence she had as a child. She enjoys the
security of the life that she wraps around her.
Leigh Ann,
my next daughter, unique, yet with qualities that are
special. I miss her so much. Wanting
more time with her, to know her, to watch her grow into a
young woman. All things that I have missed and will
always miss. She will always be the explorer, the
one who best will set her own paths before her.
Jessica,
the youngest daughter, a strong line from her mother and
grandmother. Stamped by them on her to be open and
fearless, living in her own version of life. So
delicate, sweet and loving.
Brandon, my
son. Mr. Curious, he is. Always looking,
always learning, always wanting to know. The
professor of all that is right, though his version of
right. I see so much of his sister, Leigh Ann in
him, their looks, their voices, their body
language.
I love them
all....my children....my life....and the paths we share
together.
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| Friday
12/26/2003 |
The day after.... |
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Another day
gone by. Another holiday put to rest. The one
day of the year that we all dread. We all go in on
Christmas night to refit and convert the store for
business the next day. We take about 30 people in
and work our tails off to convert or kill another
holiday. So after working all night, I get to spend
the day snoozing and struggling to do much of
anything.
Belinda is
tired today also. Jessie was sick last night and
Belinda spent most of the night staying up with her.
I really believe it scared Belinda, that Jessie was so
sick. She is so tiny, so precious. She
struggles at times to keep any weight on her. So we
keep an eye on her, being careful, cautious and letting
her grow. We love her.
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| Wednesday12/24/2003 |
Christmas
Eve |
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American soldiers killed in Iraq.
Reporters still reporting the news, the mayhem, the
dirty politicians, the unique deaths, the tainted food
supply. Mad Cow disease has hit America.
The retail ship that I captain, had a great day. Amazing
how many men in contrast to women shop on Christmas Eve.
It's funny to watch the shopping habits of desperate
men. They buy anything that is easy to find and looks
different from what is already in their homes.
Tough working on Christmas Eve. The work is the same,
just more of it. The bad part is how much I miss my
family. I get to watch families shop and relax together.
Yet, those of us in the service industry, must work to
serve the privileged who are truly able to enjoy
holidays. I have never been able to spend a holiday with
my family. I have become used to it, though I know it
has in small ways hurt my family and children over the
years. I know no other means of making a living, and as
in many instances, the choices we make are many times
made for us. The only think I can say to justify any of
it is that I do love my family and I am very happy with
my profession of choice. Being captain, I am at the
pinnacle of my career and in the industry.
I am home now, looking at my family and our Christmas
tree. I can finally relax, think of them and enjoy what
I am so very fortunate to have. Great wife, amazing
children, more than any man such as myself should ever
deserve.
My only desire in life. Loving and being loved.
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| Sunday
12/21/2003 |
Questions, questions....I need more questions |
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I state a fact, I get a question.
I state my feelings, I get a question.
I answer someone, I get a question.
Does anyone really listen to what I am saying?
Does anyone know how to continue a line of thought with
a direct response and not a question?
Does anyone out there know how to have a real
conversation?
I hate questions, why do I get questions in all that I
do?
Can't I have my own thoughts?
Can't I have my own beliefs?
Can't I be taken for what I have to offer?
Is it wrong for me to not think the same?
I look as if in thought, why do you ask me what is
wrong?
You want to express your feelings, why do you state your
thoughts with a question?
Are we a society that can only ask questions?
Can we quit verbally probing, probing and judging?
Why, oh why, am I the way that I am?
Why, oh why, must you think me deep in thought?
Why, oh why, must everything in my life be a QUESTION?
Don't you know that I am always right?
No?
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| Friday
12/19/2003 |
She
left him... |
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She left him yesterday.... Wrote a "Dear John"
letter and she left him. Leaving may have been easy for
her or it may have been hard. We won't know and guess we
won't ever find out. Maybe she thinks it won't hurt
anyone, but then most times when it happens, everyone ends
up hurt.
She left him yesterday.... She took the boys with her.
They are only toddlers, young boys who love their parents,
young boys who are loved by their father. Not even a good
bye, not even a fair warning, she wasn't home when he came
in from work. The boys were gone, taken from his heart,
she punctured his soul.
She left him yesterday..... It hurts to see it, it hurts
to know how sad and alone he feels. It hurts to know how
much his sons will one day cry for him. It hurts my family
to know that a part of us has been taken from us. A family
that we wanted to be with for years to come. Family in a
town with no other family.
She left him yesterday..... he, alone, to go his own
directions with his boys forever in his heart and mind
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| Thursday
12/18/2003 |
Holiday Spirit on a retail cruiser..... |
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Another day
for the captain of the retail ship. Another day for the
ship owned by the largest federation in this universe.
Why, oh why, are people so angry? Were they stopped on the
way to their shopping duties and given a ticket? Did they
have a fight with a lover or spouse before leaving home?
Did the kids make the day bad by not agreeing with the
choice of breakfast? What has happened to make everyone so
mean spirited?
Gimme some of that Holiday Spirit!
Attacked by the customers, attacked by the ships crew,
attacked by my own mind, struggling to keep above it all.
The daily battle makes me weary, makes me weak. But I have
to be strong for all others. I have to be strong for those
who are looking for a target. I have to be strong, I have
to be strong, I wish I could stay strong. They take so
much. They take my mind, they take what is left, they take
me from my family, they take my family from me.
Gimme some of that Holiday Spirit!
The thieves, stealers of merchandise, stealers of time,
stealers of life. Why do they think that every little
problem that they have is the center of the universe? The
thieves that aren't there, the society that we have
become, compliance, be kind, be politically correct, be
everything for everyone......I want to hold my hands high
and run screaming......why can't they let me be me?
Gimme some of that Holiday Spirit!
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| Wednesday
12/17/2003 |
My Son...... |
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Well, you would
think that after raising 3 older children I would have
learned not to panic at the tricks that children can pull
on you. Today I discovered, once again, that you never
lose that little bit of fear that your children can create
in you. Not paying any particular attention to my usually
well behaved son, Brandon, he unknowingly pulls a stunt
that all children pull at some point in time. He was in
the house playing while I was reading and snoozing, when
it strikes me that the house is unusually quiet. I know he
is up to something. I call out his name, and receive no
answer. I call again and as usual, no answer. I know he is
here hiding from me, playing his game. I call louder,
again, nothing. I then walk to look out the windows, in
hopes that he may be outside playing. He never leaves the
yard, but he is not there. Then I yell his name in a
manner to let him know that his hiding is not funny.
Again, no answer.
Then it hits me. He is really
gone. With no clue, he is gone. I run around the house
looking in all of the usual hiding places, but I can
really sense that he is gone. I panic, not knowing where
to go. Then I remember that he has a friend that lives on
the next street down from ours. I run out the door and
wildly run down the street, only to realize, I have no
clue which house his friend lives in.
Panic....panic....panic!!! I run home to get his older
sister in hopes that she can send me in the right
direction. I grab her hand and pull her out of the house.
She jogs down the street with me, as I pray that this is
the answer I need and as she points out the house, the
door opens and out walks my son and his new buddy. Why do
I fall for this every time? How can a child scare a grown
man like they do?
My son....my buddy
I wonder when he grows up if he
will like the same types of events and books that I like.
How much will he be like me? How much will he care about
helping other people? I only hope he learns one thing from
me.....to love his family and to never be selfish or
insecure with his life to the extent that he hurts the
ones that he truly loves. Respect all, respect the ones
you love.
My son....my buddy
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| Sunday
12/14/12003 |
Dark Holes |
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Saddam Hussein captured, and Strom Thurmond has a black
daughter...what a strange way to start the day. The one guy
everyone is looking for and he is found in a hole. The other,
already in his permanent hole, gone before having to make an
accounting to the world about holes he may have visited. I
wonder if they knew fear, I wonder if they knew the past would
catch them?
What were Saddam's thoughts while hiding in that hole....
Was he praying?
What thoughts does the killer of thousands have when knowing
that his possible executioners are above him?
Was he defiant in his thoughts, did he really believe that he
would be invincible?
Do you think he was pondering his path from power, to being a
rat in a hole?
I bet when Strom was in his hole, he was also praying to never
be found!
Did they really know that CNN had nothing to do today?
Other than that, it has been a very
relaxing day, after two wild days at work. Retail for the king
of retailers is not what many think. It is physically demanding
and mentally draining. So today, I collapse and recover and
ready for the final stretch, the home stretch to Christmas.
Strange life at the center of the retail universe. Actually the
center is in Bentonville, I am just a captain on one of
thousands of star ships sent out to do good for all the
universe. I do good. I have to be all, for all. The safety and
well being of all on my ship, is in my hands. The natives on the
area we patrol are showing great trust and respect in us. They
like us and continue to seek our company. It's tough trying to
be Mr. Sam and James T Kirk all rolled into one.
My family is good, they know I am so
very tired, they know "Dad" needs some rest. Even my
daughter who called today, could tell I was tired. I am glad to
hear from her. She is grown now, independent, and already on her
path to choosing her life as an adult. I hope her path is
happiness. Being a parent, the greatest calling I have found.
One that I always will be forever thankful.
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