All the Wrong Places - Part 6 To: Angel From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hi Angel :-) > > Guess I'll have to keep doing them for both of us then. How's this for you? @:-[ > What the hell is that supposed to be? Someone with cotton candy on their head? It's a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at least that one gives the impression of lots of really styled hair so... > > > > Offended by your hair? I dunno, that would be between you and your hair, wouldn't it? > > > Guess that whole thing about the funny bone is a myth, huh. If that's where your sense of humor is supposed to be, I mean. > > Wesley thinks I'm funny. > Guess you should be glad SOMEONE does. Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes too. So... (And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...") > > > There's NOTHING wrong with my hair. > > Of course not. > > > Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking? > > Funny ha-ha or funny strange? > EITHER. It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it. Truthfully, I don't know if I could picture you with hair different than that. It's a part of your look -- a very stylised part, but still a part. I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself in the mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product? > > Paranoid a bit there, boyo? > Okay, yeah, I guess maybe. Just... in Pylea, I could see my reflection. First thing I noticed was the hair. It'd been a long time since I'd seen it, you know? Was... kind of a surprise. What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it looked? How? > > I mean what do you buy for the vampire who has everything? The watch he doesn't have. > Yeah, well there's a reason I don't have one. I can see where time might not be a big thing to want to keep track of when you're immortal. > > > Or a FUNNY BONE. Where is that anyway, in your elbow? > > The humerous yeah. And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment. > Ha. Thought so. :-p > Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird, not really having a body. It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should. If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there. Given enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural. > But don't worry, we'll get ya back. I believe you. > > > I meant the machinery of the company. Um, the machinery that the company makes up. Well not MAKES UP like imagines, but, you know. Is composed of. That kind of thing. What was I saying? > > I've missed you. Even though I was, y'know, dead. > I missed you too. Even though you were, you know, dead. Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what prompted that? The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute. And you usually do. > > > Oh, yeah. You know, how everyone is important, all the way down to the lowliest cleaning person, blah blah blah. > > Or the disembodied guy in the computer system? > Exactly. You're very important. :-) Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important. > > I dunno Harry used to be quite a chocoholic just made it easy to figure out what to get her for a present. > Oh, should I have gotten her chocolate for her birthday do you think? I got her clothes. She was really easy to shop for. I think maybe it weirded her out a little bit. Just, I remembered how much Cordy liked the clothes I got her this one time, so it seemed like a thing. To do. You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small box of chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic. Then you'll know for next time. You bought Cordelia clothes? > > > Haven't you ever had a thing? > > Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think? > Maybe. Are we not asking personal questions now? I'm sure my response would've come off better if I'd been able to speak it aloud with my usual wit and charm. I miss having vocal inflections. And yeah, I've had a thing or two. > > What did you sing? > Which time? Anyway, you probably don't want to know. Some Manilow, and then that Wang Chung thing. Once they play a song enough on the radio, sometimes you start to almost like it even though you don't, you know? You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up on the stage after the first- So, Manilow, huh? > > > I do, sometimes. Probably not enough. Everything runs so smoothly, it kind of seems like a shame to mess it up by stepping in and doing stuff myself. > > But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as it could be. > Well, the COMPANY is. I mean, it probably would whether I was here or not. Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a smoothly running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference. > > > Probably done more talking to you, here, than I have in the past few months. I might wear myself out, if I'm not careful. > > Don't think so. Though you might give yourself carpal tunnel talking this way. ;-) > Ha ha. Laugh a minute with you. Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-) > > > > Anytime. I may not have ears right now but I can still listen. > > > Yeah. How does that work exactly? > > I dunno. Magic? > Magic put you there, yeah. Don't know if it's what's keeping you there. Well since magic put me in and magic's going to get me out, makes sense that it's what's keeping me here too. > Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted. For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he hadn't specified which problem it was. > > No, running away is when you go and don't come back. A vacation is when you go for a short time to de-stress and unwind and then come back more ready and able to face the music. > Well, taking one now -- a vacation, I mean -- would feel like running away and not coming back. Until a couple of days ago, I would have said there wasn't really anything here for me to come back TO, you know? Well at least when I get out of here, you and I are going to go out and... All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with is "beat something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night, what would you want to do? > > > I'm trying. > > I know, Angel. I know. You're doing fine. I haven't poked you lately, have I? > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks. I'll find something else to poke you with. And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. > > Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something. > Daytime TV is evil. You know that, right? Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or three religiously. > > > You think I didn't have feelings for you? > > Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you weak in the knees type feelings, right? > Thought we were, yeah. Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me. > > You're not saying that you... > I'll give you whichever answer you want to hear, Doyle. Just tell me. Once it's said, kind of hard to take it back, you know? And how I feel about you... us being FRIENDS, I mean... is more important to me than anything else. So you think about it. The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry about that; you're stuck with me, Angel. So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth. > > > > And who you are is someone anyone would be crazy not to choose. > > > See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me. > > And how would you feel if I was? > I dunno, it might give me another one of those goofy smiles that I am NOT going to put into type. Goofy smiles are of the good. And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision to but- Yeah. > People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night, mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never means anything. And if I said that this time it did mean something? > > > Cordy and anyone else, for that matter would be better off without someone like me. I mean, dead. Undead. Whatever. Vampire. Brooding. Not so good with the talking and sharing. Don't know how to do the social thing. Doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing people -- key word PEOPLE -- would want to settle for. > > You're making that decision for everybody huh? > Not a decision. More an observation. Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away. And I wouldn't consider it settling either. > > > > Or, here's a radical thought, maybe you were reacting to real genuine feelings. On both sides. > > > It doesn't matter now. > > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia wakes up. > Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun. We're going to have to. I don't want to just be the consolation prize. And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about being that for Cordelia or you. > Um, not that I don't want her to wake up. I know. > > > > Yeah, but not as much fun. You should give yourself some of those assignments, keep your hand in. Find something evil and annoying to work your frustrations out on. > > > Again, I do, sometimes. > > Doesn't sound like you do it enough though. > Did last night. Went out and took on a whole nest of Chlarthwark demons myself. Killed about five or six, then the last two got the jump on me and held me down pretty good, beat on me. Came out of there with a broken face, but I felt... I dunno, almost alive again. It was good. Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam. > > > > Or at least go down to that fully equipped gym Wesley tells me you have and beat on a punching bag for a while. > > > I do that too. More than you might want to know. > > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime. > Yeah, that'd be exciting for you. You've no idea. > > > > Bet you're wishing yourself back to those alleys in New York sometimes, huh? > > > Actually, not often. But yeah, sometimes. > > Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come. > Most of it was probably thanks to you. Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers. > Leaving Sunnydale, leaving Buffy, that was hard. Much harder than deciding to help her in the first place. Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you were walking away from something. It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you. > She's good, by the way. Off in England right now with Giles, trying to figure out what to do with all these new Slayers. New Slayers? > > > > So this means you can stand in the sun in your office? Wow. Bet that's something. > > > Sure is. > > I'm happy for you. :-) See? > Yeah, I see. Stupid smiley faces. Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-) > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right? Right? > I... think about it. Sometimes. So that would be a no. > Besides, can't control what other people do in their parts of the building. Not like I can order everyone to keep their shades drawn. First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in front of your windows and raise the shades. I want to see you in sunlight. > > Nah, I guess incorrigible works pretty well. > My picture's under the word's entry in the dictionary. ;-) > > > Yeah, I thought I saw it there. There's another one of you under 'smart-ass.' > > Yeah but you love me this way. > Yeah. I do. :-) In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you mean....? > > > > Because your life (or unlife, if you prefer) is worth less than mine? > > > Yeah. > > That is, in one word, bullshit. > It's also true. No, y'see, when something is bullshit, then by definition it's not true. It's a load of... untrue things. > > > > Sorry, don't buy that. > > > You don't have to. It's just this bit of free advice I'm offering you. > > Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do. > I'm sure you think you do. What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you about your expendability, I'm wrong? > > > > > > I apologise for hitting you though. > > > > > Sucker punch. > > > > Hey, I'm not stupid. Anything else and you would've cleaned the floor with me. > > > Well, yeah. > > As I said, not stupid. > It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for a couple of days afterward, too. Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just because I knew what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless. > Gave me something to remember you by. For a little while. So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions. I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I? > > > > Good man. > > > Nope, neither. > > You're both. > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire. So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh? > > > You think he's sick or something? > > Not physically, but... he seems depressed. > You think? Yeah. Guess I haven't been paying that much attention. He... kinda lost someone. Someone that he was... well, I don't know if he loved her. Guess he probably did. Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her. > You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say. I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he remembers doing against him. > > > No means no. > > @:-[ Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon. > Is that what that is? Looks more like Elvis. Elvis with fangs? > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis. Certainly not late Elvis. Maybe a little like early Elvis. Y'know, back when he was hot. > > > I don't know if it helped, but... it's kind of good not to be the only person who knows. > > It's nice to know you're not the only one carrying the burden. > Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that. A burden, I mean. But it does. None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we have this handy talent known as communication. > > > Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction when she showed up 9 months pregnant. > > I can bet. Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh? > Um, actually not really. She more did that quietly disappointed thing. Tried to take care of Darla, to get back at me I think. Let Darla get the jump on her. If I hadn't gone in there when I did, Darla might have... but it was okay. Cordy was fine. The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that. > That time, I managed to save her. We'll save her this time too, Angel. Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will. > > Whenever you're ready, whatever you feel like sharing. The bad, the good, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me. > I'm so fucking bitter, that's the thing. About all of it. That I was cheated out of watching him grow up, especially. That's natural, Angel. I'd be worried if you weren't bitter about missing out on his childhood. I know I would be in your shoes. > He was such a great baby. And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything. I'm sorry. Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you. > When he came back, Holtz had... poisoned him. His mind, I mean. Against me. He hated me for being what I was. What I am. If he was raised by a vampire hunter who had a vendetta against you, then yeah. And poisoned is the right word to use here, Angel. He had that attitude, those thoughts, put into him. It wasn't his choice. And it wasn't his opinion formed by watching and judging you. It was imposed by an outside force. > Smart kid. Poor kid. Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz character. I'd impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that... > > > > That would explain the incredible stubborness that he's been exhibiting about not talking about that time period. > > > Huh. Good to know that it's working, I guess. > > Very well if my experience is anything to go by. > Well you can imagine that I don't try to talk to him about it, so... your experience is pretty much the only thing we've got to go by. Yeah it would be, since everyone else would be bespelled to avoid the topic too. > > > He thinks what happened between him and me is all about Darla. It's still so weird to think that he doesn't remember Connor. That none of them do. Will, in Cordy's case. > > Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal. > Yeah. I mean, for the most part, replace "Connor" with "Darla" and that's what he remembers. Well, I know it's more complicated than that, but I didn't see a script or anything. Lilah dealt with that. Lilah? > > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put into words. > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true. It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know. > Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a mirror to check. Can you blush? > > > > You're really endearing sometimes. > > > Thanks a lot. > > You are. > Yeah, well... you're not so bad yourself. No matter what I say about those little smiley faces, I like that YOU use them. Even if I'm not going to. :-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands to gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to talk without some sort of ability to display emotions. > Well. Could live without the Elvis one. You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[ > > > > Yeah. Found the security systems and am starting to figure out how to tap into their camera feeds. Only problem is I can't tell which feed is for what place... You've got a very big lawfirm, you know that? > > > Yeah, I know. > > Really big. > Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet? Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through... Your office would be the biggest one, right? > > > Um... could you see my hair? > > Haven't found the feed to your office yet, but I'm working on it. I'll let you know when I find it. > Got to say, I'm a little bit afraid to find out. I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term. > > It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you give yourself credit for. > I end up feeling like I've left so much out. Well, it's a huge, important part of your life. Of course you're going to feel like you left stuff out if you didn't tell me every single little detail. But don't worry. All the important little details have a way of coming out in the conversation. > > I... Maybe this isn't really important now, but are you sure Wesley was going to give him to Holtz? I mean, I haven't known him for very long or anything, but... It wouldn't have been what I would've done. The taking Connor to keep you both safe, yeah, I can see that. But I would've just kept going. Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they attack him to get Connor? > Been sitting here looking at the keyboard for a long time. You're right. I mean, I know you are. I already knew that. Wesley made a lot of mistakes, but I know he thought he was doing the right thing at the time. Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really fucked up, doesn't it. I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you trusted Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have to forgive him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get close again. If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to hurt you. But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again? > > > Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for anyone, but especially not a baby. > > Fuck. I'm sorry. > Me too. I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now. I don't know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there then. But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done anything. > > > When I found out what happened, I... well, I lost it. Went to the hospital where Wes was and... tried to kill him. > > While not the right thing to do, I don't think anyone could blame you under the circumstances. I mean... You knew Harry and I wanted kids. If we'd had, and someone had taken my kid, I wouldn't have been entirely sane. > I'd like to blame it on that, say that I was insane with grief, but... I'm not sure it's true. I don't think I even wanted Wesley dead, not really. I just... wanted him to know. How mad I was. How much it hurt me, that he could do something like that. That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your *son*. You couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of course you wanted to make him hurt as much as you did. But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're afraid of what he can do to you? > > I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me what you feel like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise. > Okay. But if you need me to repeat anything, I can do that. I can try, anyway. You're doing fine. Really. > > > Cordy came back. Holtz killed himself, with Justine's help, and set me up, made it look like I'd done it. Connor went nuts. The same night I was going to meet Cordy and tell her, you know, how I felt, Connor and Justine put me in a box and sank me to the bottom of the ocean. > > Fuck. > Uh-huh, that's about as eloquent as I was at the time too. I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy... Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it, I'm going to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone, trapped, and I... I've already discovered I can't cry without a body. > > > It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment. > > Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh. > Yeah, I think so. Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. > > > Wes was the one who got me out. I didn't deserve it, but he came after me. Made Justine help him. Hell, let me feed from his fucking *arm* when what he'd brought wasn't enough. > > Sounds like someone doing his best to atone. > I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think he was wrong, not completely, you know? Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again. And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe hewants an acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you feel sorry for. > > > Got back to the hotel, found out that Cordy'd disappeared the same night I had and no one'd seen her since. > > This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then? > Yeah, we're pretty sure that's when it happened. Can't say for sure, not to the hour or day or anything, but yeah. That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can see it. She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual one. > > > And Connor had been there all summer with Fred and Gunn, pretending that he didn't know where I was. Told him I loved him, and threw him out. > > Tough love. Good for you. That's about all you could've done at that point. > It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time. Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent to his room. > > > But then *she* came back. Except it wasn't really her, but we didn't know that. She was, you know, possessed or whatever. She didn't remember much at first, but after we did a spell to get her memory back, she said she'd loved me, but that she couldn't be with me because she'd seen all the terrible things I'd done in the past. You know, as Angelus. She went to Connor, and then... her and Connor... > > Christ Angel, I'm sorry. > I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast, and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing. No shit. That had to be... God. And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out how you were feeling. > > > That's how she got pregnant. Sort of. I don't know. > > She was pregnant with your grandkid? Okay, this is really starting to sound like a soap opera. Sorry. I know it's not something to be joking about. > No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about it. It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at the moment... > Well, not that I do. But I can see how if you look at it from the right angle it's funny. There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel. > > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now? > Yeah. More than I can say. Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later. I won't. > > > That little story turn you off the talking thing? I'd understand if it did. > > Angel, I'm more honoured than I can express that you trusted me enough to share this with me. It'll take more than this to drive me off. I'm not even sure you could. > Not right now anyway, you're kind of a captive audience. Not any time. Captive audience or not. > This would be where the smiley face would go, if I was going to type one. :-) Well that's the first step toward using one... Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you or anything. > > > @:-[ > > What the hell is that supposed to be? Someone with cotton candy on their head? > It a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at last that one give the impression of lots of really styled hair so... It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the bathroom. > > > Wesley thinks I'm funny. > > Guess you should be glad SOMEONE does. > Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes too. So... (And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...") Okay, okay, you're funny. Feel better? > > > > Okay, be honest. Is it really funny looking? > > > Funny ha-ha or funny strange? > > EITHER. > It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it. Again, I really don't. > Truthfully, I don't know if I could picture you with hair different than that. It's a part of your look -- a very stylised part, but still a part. I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself in the mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product? It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear. > > > Paranoid a bit there, boyo? > > Okay, yeah, I guess maybe. Just... in Pylea, I could see my reflection. First thing I noticed was the hair. It'd been a long time since I'd seen it, you know? Was... kind of a surprise. > What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it looked? How? I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up. I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like. > > > The watch he doesn't have. > > Yeah, well there's a reason I don't have one. > I can see where time might not be a big thing to want to keep track of when you're immortal. Uh-huh. Plus without one, if I'm late for something, I can say "Sorry, I forgot my watch." No one ever seems to notice that I NEVER have one. > > > And before you say it, no I don't have any elbows at the moment. > > Ha. Thought so. > :-p > > Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird, not really having a body. > It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should. If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there. Given enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural. The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a little while to get used to, but once you do... > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back. > I believe you. You'd better. > > > I've missed you. Even though I was, y'know, dead. > > I missed you too. Even though you were, you know, dead. Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what prompted that? > The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute. God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then. > And you usually do. Probably dumb luck. > > You're very important. > :-) Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important. You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the beginning. And not just because of the visions. > > Oh, should I have gotten her chocolate for her birthday do you think? I got her clothes. She was really easy to shop for. I think maybe it weirded her out a little bit. Just, I remembered how much Cordy liked the clothes I got her this one time, so it seemed like a thing. To do. > You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small box of chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic. Then you'll know for next time. Good idea. I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like she was. > You bought Cordelia clothes? Had to. I gave the rest of them away, and she was pissed at me. Well, she wasn't really pissed at me because of the clothes, more because I fired her. Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at least I couldn't get them hurt. Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't even work out the way I wanted it to. But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of clothes. She was... pretty happy. > > > Now that's a rather personal question there, Angel, don't you think? > > Maybe. Are we not asking personal questions now? > I'm sure my response would've come off better if I'd been able to speak it aloud with my usual wit and charm. I miss having vocal inflections. And yeah, I've had a thing or two. There, was that so hard to admit? > > > What did you sing? > > Which time? Anyway, you probably don't want to know. Some Manilow, and then that Wang Chung thing. Once they play a song enough on the radio, sometimes you start to almost like it even though you don't, you know? > You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up on the stage after the first- Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me. Ante up. > So, Manilow, huh? I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty. > > > But it's driving you nuts right? So that's not running as smoothly as it could be. > > Well, the COMPANY is. I mean, it probably would whether I was here or not. > Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a smoothly running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference. Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this office and things wouldn't be any different here. > > Ha ha. Laugh a minute with you. > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-) Natural SOMETHING. > > Magic put you there, yeah. Don't know if it's what's keeping you there. > Well since magic put me in and magic's going to get me out, makes sense that it's what's keeping me here too. I guess. Maybe. I don't think I know enough about it. > > Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted. > For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he hadn't specified which problem it was. I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know, longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it. Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month. > > Well, taking one now -- a vacation, I mean -- would feel like running away and not coming back. Until a couple of days ago, I would have said there wasn't really anything here for me to come back TO, you know? > Well at least when I get out of here, you and I are going to go out and... All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with is "beat something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night, what would you want to do? I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us, you know? Not forced conversation or anything. Maybe that sounds boring though. > > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks. > I'll find something else to poke you with. And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. Heh. > > > Maybe we can start our own soap. "All My Demons" or something. > > Daytime TV is evil. You know that, right? > Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or three religiously. I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast and I could never figure out what anyone's name was. > > > Oh I knew we were buddies. But we're talking about romantic, make you weak in the knees type feelings, right? > > Thought we were, yeah. > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me. Really? > > > You're not saying that you... > > I'll give you whichever answer you want to hear, Doyle. Just tell me. Once it's said, kind of hard to take it back, you know? And how I feel about you... us being FRIENDS, I mean... is more important to me than anything else. So you think about it. > The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry about that; you're stuck with me, Angel. So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth. Okay. Wow, this is hard. Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too. God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you know, kind of... use you, like that. > > > > See, now it sounds like you're flirting with me. > > > And how would you feel if I was? > > I dunno, it might give me another one of those goofy smiles that I am NOT going to put into type. > Goofy smiles are of the good. And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision to but- Yeah. Okay, so... Um. Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say. > > People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night, mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never means anything. > And if I said that this time it did mean something? I'm... Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though things are different now, I don't... > > > You're making that decision for everybody huh? > > Not a decision. More an observation. > Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away. And I wouldn't consider it settling either. Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please. > > > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia wakes up. > > Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun. > We're going to have to. I don't want to just be the consolation prize. You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone would be lucky to have you. > And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about being that for Cordelia or you. Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You deserve to be happy. Seriously. > > Um, not that I don't want her to wake up. > I know. Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does? > > Did last night. Went out and took on a whole nest of Chlarthwark demons myself. Killed about five or six, then the last two got the jump on me and held me down pretty good, beat on me. Came out of there with a broken face, but I felt... I dunno, almost alive again. It was good. > Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam. I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in another twenty-four hours. It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply. > > > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime. > > Yeah, that'd be exciting for you. > You've no idea. Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most boring things to look at. > > > Not often, huh? Guess that just shows how far you've come. > > Most of it was probably thanks to you. > Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers. You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends. It meant a lot. > > Leaving Sunnydale, leaving Buffy, that was hard. Much harder than deciding to help her in the first place. > Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you were walking away from something. It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you. Tell me about it. > > She's good, by the way. Off in England right now with Giles, trying to figure out what to do with all these new Slayers. > New Slayers? There was this whole apocalypse thing in Sunnydale -- oh, which by the way is gone now -- and Buffy's solution, her way to win the war, was to share her Slayer powers with every girl in the world who had the potential to be the next Slayer. So there're an awful lot of young, very powerful girls running around, not knowing what to do with themselves. And the Watcher's Council -- the building, along with most of the Watchers -- got blown up, so Giles has his hands full trying to rebuild, and everything, all at once. See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you come back. Remember this, and don't die again. > > Stupid smiley faces. > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-) I guess I'm starting to get used to them. > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right? Right? > > I... think about it. Sometimes. > So that would be a no. That would be a no. So far. > > Besides, can't control what other people do in their parts of the building. Not like I can order everyone to keep their shades drawn. > First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in front of your windows and raise the shades. I want to see you in sunlight. That's... I don't know what to say. Thanks? I think. > > > Yeah but you love me this way. > > Yeah. I do. > :-) In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you mean....? Just what I said. > > > That is, in one word, bullshit. > > It's also true. > No, y'see, when something is bullshit, then by definition it's not true. It's a load of... untrue things. Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't be a question of which one of us deserved to die more. > > > Thanks, but I think I see this situation clearer than you do. > > I'm sure you think you do. > What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you about your expendability, I'm wrong? Yeah. Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired. > > It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for a couple of days afterward, too. > Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just because I knew what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless. Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff. Just don't do it again, okay? Ever. > > Gave me something to remember you by. For a little while. > So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions. I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I? I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out there's part of her that was too. > > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire. > So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh? You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think. > > He... kinda lost someone. Someone that he was... well, I don't know if he loved her. Guess he probably did. > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her. I think you're right. > > You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say. > I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he remembers doing against him. Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try. > > > @:-[ Every time you say that I'm going to do my Angel emoticon. > > Is that what that is? Looks more like Elvis. > Elvis with fangs? Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's true, don't you think he's probably a vampire? > > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis. > Certainly not late Elvis. Maybe a little like early Elvis. Y'know, back when he was hot. Oh God. > > Yeah. Maybe it shouldn't feel like that. A burden, I mean. But it does. > None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we have this handy talent known as communication. Thanks. I mean it. > > > Cordelia must've ripped you a new one, huh? > > Um, actually not really. She more did that quietly disappointed thing. Tried to take care of Darla, to get back at me I think. Let Darla get the jump on her. If I hadn't gone in there when I did, Darla might have... but it was okay. Cordy was fine. > The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that. Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it. Luckily, most of the time she just yells. > > That time, I managed to save her. > We'll save her this time too, Angel. Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will. Yeah. We will. I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before it got this bad. > > I'm so fucking bitter, that's the thing. About all of it. That I was cheated out of watching him grow up, especially. > That's natural, Angel. I'd be worried if you weren't bitter about missing out on his childhood. I know I would be in your shoes. > > He was such a great baby. > And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything. You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along with all the others. > I'm sorry. It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if anyone had found it. > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you. He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he did have was so soft... Sorry. I can't do this. > > When he came back, Holtz had... poisoned him. His mind, I mean. Against me. He hated me for being what I was. What I am. > If he was raised by a vampire hunter who had a vendetta against you, then yeah. And poisoned is the right word to use here, Angel. He had that attitude, those thoughts, put into him. It wasn't his choice. And it wasn't his opinion formed by watching and judging you. It was imposed by an outside force. > > Smart kid. > Poor kid. Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz character. I'd impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that... Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family... At least he got a second chance. And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't based on fact. > > Well you can imagine that I don't try to talk to him about it, so... your experience is pretty much the only thing we've got to go by. > Yeah it would be, since everyone else would be bespelled to avoid the topic too. Yeah, think that was part of the point too. > > > Whatever he does remember still seems to bother him a great deal. > > Yeah. I mean, for the most part, replace "Connor" with "Darla" and that's what he remembers. Well, I know it's more complicated than that, but I didn't see a script or anything. Lilah dealt with that. > Lilah? She worked for W&H, for years. Evil lawyer bitch type, pretty much. She was the one that Wes... you know. She got killed, but what with Wolfram and Hart's whole perpetuity clause thing, her contract extended beyond death, so W&H used her to get us set up here. Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with an offer you can't refuse. Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway. > > > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put into words. > > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true. > It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know. Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it. > > Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a mirror to check. > Can you blush? I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving around. > > No matter what I say about those little smiley faces, I like that YOU use them. Even if I'm not going to. > :-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands to gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to talk without some sort of ability to display emotions. Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the way things are now. But don't worry. You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we will. I swear it. > > Well. Could live without the Elvis one. > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[ Really, no. Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog." > > Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet? > Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through... Your office would be the biggest one, right? I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how mine compares. Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in my head. > > Got to say, I'm a little bit afraid to find out. > I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term. Um. Thanks. > > > It was a good summary. You're better at this talking thing than you give yourself credit for. > > I end up feeling like I've left so much out. > Well, it's a huge, important part of your life. Of course you're going to feel like you left stuff out if you didn't tell me every single little detail. But don't worry. All the important little details have a way of coming out in the conversation. Okay. I mean, I'll try not to worry about it. Plus ask questions if you want to, and I'll try to answer them. > > > Besides, if Wesley was going to give Connor to Holtz why would they attack him to get Connor? > > Been sitting here looking at the keyboard for a long time. You're right. I mean, I know you are. I already knew that. Wesley made a lot of mistakes, but I know he thought he was doing the right thing at the time. Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really fucked up, doesn't it. > I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you trusted Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have to forgive him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get close again. If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to hurt you. But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again? I guess the answer is: I don't know. It's hard. On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose. Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back. > > > > Holtz took Connor into Quor-toth. Hell dimension. Not a good place for anyone, but especially not a baby. > > > Fuck. I'm sorry. > > Me too. > I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now. I don't know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there then. But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done anything. Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts. > > I'd like to blame it on that, say that I was insane with grief, but... I'm not sure it's true. I don't think I even wanted Wesley dead, not really. I just... wanted him to know. How mad I was. How much it hurt me, that he could do something like that. > That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your *son*. You couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of course you wanted to make him hurt as much as you did. But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're afraid of what he can do to you? Maybe. I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do. > > > I do seem to be able to look back on older emails. And you tell me what you feel like telling me when you feel like telling it. I'll keep up, promise. > > Okay. But if you need me to repeat anything, I can do that. I can try, anyway. > You're doing fine. Really. Thanks. > I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy... Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it, I'm going to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone, trapped, and I... I've already discovered I can't cry without a body. Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there anything I can do? To help? Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there. > > > > It was supposed to be, you know, eternal punishment. > > > Yeah. More because it was Connor that did it, huh. > > Yeah, I think so. > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him. > > I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think he was wrong, not completely, you know? > Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again. And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe he wants an acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you feel sorry for. Yeah. Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing. Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either. > > > This would be when she'd been higher being'ed then? > > Yeah, we're pretty sure that's when it happened. Can't say for sure, not to the hour or day or anything, but yeah. > That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can see it. She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual one. I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know? > > It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time. > Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent to his room. It doesn't matter now. It's done. > > I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast, and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing. > No shit. That had to be... God. And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out how you were feeling. There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt. It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both. > > No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about it. > It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at the moment... I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything. I'm much better at listening than I am at talking. > > Well, not that I do. But I can see how if you look at it from the right angle it's funny. > There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel. It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess. > > > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now? > > Yeah. More than I can say. Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later. > I won't. I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much. > > > It'll take more than this to drive me off. I'm not even sure you could. > > Not right now anyway, you're kind of a captive audience. > Not any time. Captive audience or not. Thanks. > > This would be where the smiley face would go, if I was going to type one. > :-) Well that's the first step toward using one... Which I'm not going to do. You okay in there? I mean really? Would you tell me if you weren't? - Angel Next Part Main Page Send Feedback