All the Wrong Places - Part 7 To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hi Wesley :-) > > So you've been a teacher too. > I suppose so. I don't know if I ever thought of it in quite that manner; more that I was to guide the Slayer. Although of course maintaining and improving her skill level was important as well. Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or close to it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on the challenges in life. > > There was a time when he didn't care enough to try and hide that he was brooding; now he's got people he doesn't want worrying about him (or lecturing him, just as like) so he hides it. > There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed... behind him. Sadly, it didn't last. Poor guy just can't catch a break. > I suppose it's more that I'm isolating myself. I lost someone that I cared for -- someone I shouldn't have let myself care for -- and it's difficult to put that behind me completely, as much as I realize that I ought to. Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you haven't dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in question... > > Don't know if it'll help but I didn't have to "stretch" too far to reach the security feeds. > It's possible that might help, thank you. No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as being able to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating. > > Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something? Tron II -- the real story? Nah, probably not. > Tron? Movie from the early 80s about a guy who gets sucked into a computer. > And you never know, people seem to make movies about all sorts of things these days. Yeah, that's the truth. > > Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based on amount of broodage? > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not convinced they're the sorts of things people get past. So you think he's lying? > > If you could find some forces of evil he could pound on for a bit, I'm sure that would help a lot. > He does do some of that. It's not as though there's a shortage of evil in L.A. If he sometimes chooses to let the dispatch teams take care of situations, that's no one's choice but his own. Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy if someone else is doing the hitting. > > > It would be hard to miss. > > Part of his charm. > I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.' The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm even if it is rash. > > > We'll do our best to make sure you have the opportunity. > > Thanks :-) > > > What *is* the life span of a half-Brachen? > > I'm assuming it's about the same as a full human. From what I've read, a full Brachen demon's life span is similar to a human's. Not like I've met any other half-Brachens I could ask. > You're right, I'd imagine your life span's about the same as any other human's. I take it you haven't any children. Of your own. Biological ones, I mean. They'd be a quarter Brachen, if you had them with a human. No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats but... Harry -- my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony. And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick. > Is children one of those things one isn't supposed to ask about? In person it's easier to stop myself, somehow, from asking things that might be inappropriate. In any case, stop me if I ask anything you don't care to answer. Nah, you can ask anything you want. I'll tell ya if it's not any of your business. > > > But I'm fine now. > > Good. > There are days when I'm not so sure. But yes. At least I'm doing something useful. Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here. > > Though... there was a certain similarity in dealing with a bunch of 8 year olds and dealing with a certain souled vampire. > I can well imagine. I'd guess that their attention spans were longer, for one thing. Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes. > > But Angel, when he realised he couldn't fight, he decided he couldn't keep it. He went to the Oracles and had them turn back the clock one day. And the man wonders why I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself with the Beacon. He's a genuine bonifide hero, that one. > Oh. Actually, I think Cordelia mentioned something about it at some point. (No surprise that she wouldn't have waited to ask Angel's permission first, is it.) But I believe she was running off at the mouth about any number of things, and there was no pause in which to ask for more details. Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she? And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before you can react. Christ, I miss her. > It's good to know. Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. > It also makes me wonder if something he's been waiting for all this time has actually come and gone already. He gave it back, after all, and the thing with prophecies is that the timing is often so imprecise... Huh-what? > > > She hasn't been in a position to explore any pastures for some time, unfortunately. > > Not even Angel? > Well, she hardly could, really. Not just because of the clause, but also because we don't know for certain at what point in time she became... no longer herself. I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia. > > > > Stuffed dog then. Or stuffed... do they make stuffed Brachens? > > > I think not. At least, I've never seen one. > > Shame, that. Maybe, when I get back, I'll have to see about having one custom made for her. Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next Cabbage Patch craze. > I find that extremely difficult to believe. You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? > > > I know some good places for quiet drinking. Er, not too quiet, you understand. But where one could have a conversation easily enough, if that were something one wanted to do while drinking. > > Sounds like a plan. As soon as I'm out of here you and me and a night of quiet drinking. > Excellent. Although you may want a few nights to relax and adjust first, of course. Immediately throwing yourself into a bottle might not be the best idea. There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and justifiably raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should be long gone, y'know. > > > > Then again technically I *am* nothing now so... take that as you will. > > > Don't say things like that, even in jest. You're alive, you're here. You're just a bit separate at the moment, for a brief period of time. > > You're very vehement about this, aren't you? > I really am, yes. Why? I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but... > > > > Yeah. Not much subtlety about Angel. > > > No, that's quite true. > > I mean, the hair alone... > There now, you almost made me spit my tea into the keyboard, and surely that wouldn't be a good thing. :-) I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. > It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed your sense of humor. I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far. > > > > And he can't let that go? Or you can't? > > > A bit of both, I think. He can't see my point of view, and I can see his all too well. > > That's rough. > That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him. Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually. Sounds like it. Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle. > > > When you first became aware it must have seemed like some bizarre sort of dream. > > Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone theme in the background. > I'm sure that would have made it even more disturbing. Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way. > > This is a big place, isn't it? > It is, yes. Very. Tell me what you saw. Well the lobby, like I told you before. And some hallways. Got a feed inside an elevator at one point though no one was in it so not very exciting. A few different offices, but no one or no place I really recognise yet. I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what you look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name. And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises? > > > I went and sat with her for a bit, told her what's going on. > > Thank you. > You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a week or so, at a minimum. I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up. > > > I like to think that she heard me. > > People in comas are supposed to be aware of their surroundings to some extent so... > Yes, one has to assume it's possible. We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone is listening. > Lorne says he may have come up with something, but he's not sure. They need a few more days to research it. If he's right, and they've found a useful spell, it might not be much longer. Spell for me or for Cordelia? Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply I got very wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to organize them properly. > > > So you've been a teacher too. > > I suppose so. I don't know if I ever thought of it in quite that manner; more that I was to guide the Slayer. Although of course maintaining and improving her skill level was important as well. > Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or close to it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on the challenges in life. In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges unwittingly than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten out of that line of work. > > There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed... behind him. Sadly, it didn't last. > Poor guy just can't catch a break. That does seem to be true. > > I suppose it's more that I'm isolating myself. I lost someone that I cared for -- someone I shouldn't have let myself care for -- and it's difficult to put that behind me completely, as much as I realize that I ought to. > Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you haven't dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in question... I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid. > > It's possible that might help, thank you. > No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as being able to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating. I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that won't be too disappointing. > > > Think maybe someone would want to make it into a movie or something? Tron II -- the real story? Nah, probably not. > > Tron? > Movie from the early 80s about a guy who gets sucked into a computer. Ah. > > And you never know, people seem to make movies about all sorts of things these days. > Yeah, that's the truth. And in many cases, very unfortunate. > > > Do you know he can't forgive you? Or are you just assuming based on amount of broodage? > > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not convinced they're the sorts of things people get past. > So you think he's lying? No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as over the past as he claims to be. And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders. > > He does do some of that. It's not as though there's a shortage of evil in L.A. If he sometimes chooses to let the dispatch teams take care of situations, that's no one's choice but his own. > Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy if someone else is doing the hitting. He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart. > > I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.' > The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm even if it is rash. I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on. > > You're right, I'd imagine your life span's about the same as any other human's. I take it you haven't any children. Of your own. Biological ones, I mean. They'd be a quarter Brachen, if you had them with a human. > No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats but... Harry -- my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony. And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick. She didn't want children after that? Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so. > > Is children one of those things one isn't supposed to ask about? In person it's easier to stop myself, somehow, from asking things that might be inappropriate. In any case, stop me if I ask anything you don't care to answer. > Nah, you can ask anything you want. I'll tell ya if it's not any of your business. Good. Please do that. > > There are days when I'm not so sure. But yes. At least I'm doing something useful. > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here. I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right. > > I'd guess that their attention spans were longer, for one thing. > Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes. Angel's not a big laugher, that's true. > > Oh. Actually, I think Cordelia mentioned something about it at some point. (No surprise that she wouldn't have waited to ask Angel's permission first, is it.) But I believe she was running off at the mouth about any number of things, and there was no pause in which to ask for more details. > Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she? And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before you can react. Christ, I miss her. So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things I did. Or didn't do. > > It's good to know. > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. I've never had any doubts. > > It also makes me wonder if something he's been waiting for all this time has actually come and gone already. He gave it back, after all, and the thing with prophecies is that the timing is often so imprecise... > Huh-what? There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive a reward, become human and live again. Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if he's thought of that. > > Well, she hardly could, really. Not just because of the clause, but also because we don't know for certain at what point in time she became... no longer herself. > I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia. It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough. > > > Who knows? Maybe they'll be the next Cabbage Patch craze. > > I find that extremely difficult to believe. > You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have come and gone. > > Excellent. Although you may want a few nights to relax and adjust first, of course. Immediately throwing yourself into a bottle might not be the best idea. > There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and justifiably raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should be long gone, y'know. I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet. > > > You're very vehement about this, aren't you? > > I really am, yes. > Why? I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but... Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you or anyone else I like say things like that. I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do. > > > I mean, the hair alone... > > There now, you almost made me spit my tea into the keyboard, and surely that wouldn't be a good thing. > :-) I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in the emotionally negative sort of way. > > It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed your sense of humor. > I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far. Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything. > > > That's rough. > > That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him. Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually. > Sounds like it. Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle. Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean. > > > Yeah. The only thing missing was someone playing the twilight zone theme in the background. > > I'm sure that would have made it even more disturbing. > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way. I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it? Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit. Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter. > > > This is a big place, isn't it? > > It is, yes. Very. Tell me what you saw. > Well the lobby, like I told you before. And some hallways. Got a feed inside an elevator at one point though no one was in it so not very exciting. A few different offices, but no one or no place I really recognise yet. I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what you look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name. And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises? I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least. Oh, and all the books would also be a clue. Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think you'd need to access the wing's private system first. > > You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a week or so, at a minimum. > I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up. I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest. > > Yes, one has to assume it's possible. > We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone is listening. Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we. > > Lorne says he may have come up with something, but he's not sure. They need a few more days to research it. If he's right, and they've found a useful spell, it might not be much longer. > Spell for me or for Cordelia? Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things go smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after tomorrow, and whether that works or not, we'll move on to yours immediately thereafter. How are you holding up? - Wesley __________ To: Angel From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hi Angel :-) > Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you or anything. I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've both been great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do appreciate it. > > It a bit more swirly than I would have liked to describe your hair. There's not really any keys that are completely appropriate. But at last that one give the impression of lots of really styled hair so... > It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the bathroom. Maybe you have a poltergiest who keeps stealing it as a commentary or something. And it's more styled than I ever did with mine. > > Harry thought I was funny. And I could make Cordelia smile sometimes too. So... (And apparently that's how sentences are ending today: "So...") > Okay, okay, you're funny. Feel better? Yes. > > It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it. > Again, I really don't. More than I ever did. More than a lot of guys do. Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did. > > I've always been meaning to ask you about that; you can't see yourself in the mirror or anything, what made you start using all that hair product? > It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear. What made you start using the gel stuff? > > What did you think? Was it different than you'd been thinking it looked? How? > I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up. Well yeah. It's a bit spikey. Wasn't that the look you were going for? > I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like. You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything? Not that I ever understood how a vampire could have their picture taken. But then, nobody consulted me when making up the rules about this sort of thing. > > > Um, yeah, I didn't mean that in a... whatever way. It must be weird, not really having a body. > > It is. Though the weirdest thing is that it doesn't seem as weird as it should. If that makes any sense? I don't have a body and that thought is weird, but it's not like I'm a brain in a jar somewhere or anything; I can move around in here using pretty much the same impulses I'd use to move around out there. Given enough time, I'm sure this would all feel completely natural. > The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a little while to get used to, but once you do... I think you can get used to almost anything when you're not given any other choice. > > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back. > > I believe you. > You'd better. I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing. > > > Should I be scared that me forgetting what I was talking about is what prompted that? > > The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute. > God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then. Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually what manly men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but... > > Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important. > You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the beginning. And not just because of the visions. Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start? > > You could always ask Fred what she would like. Or give her some small box of chocolates or something and see if her reaction is more enthusiastic. Then you'll know for next time. > Good idea. I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like she was. Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say take her reaction at face value. > Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at least I couldn't get them hurt. That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I wasn't there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by telling me I was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever. > Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't even work out the way I wanted it to. Yeah, he mentioned that in passing. > But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of clothes. She was... pretty happy. Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying her new ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces. At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything if I bought them. > > And yeah, I've had a thing or two. > There, was that so hard to admit? It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard. > > You sang more than once? Man, I made it a point never to get back up on the stage after the first- > Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me. Ante up. Yeah, I knew I should've backspaced that sentence. I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to live as a half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just needed to know whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I should...Well, you wouldn't want to hear about that part. Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how much I'd had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great singer or anything, but no one ran for the hills. Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff about needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to lead me to something good. Something I needed. He was right. They led me to you. > > So, Manilow, huh? > I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty. Did I say anything? > > Maybe. But if I recall correctly, without you in charge it was a smoothly running EVIL lawfirm. So you being there? Makes a difference. > Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this office and things wouldn't be any different here. I don't buy that. > > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-) > Natural SOMETHING. Bite me. > > > Talked to Wes earlier, he said they've got a lead on spells for both you and Cordy. He sounded kind of distracted. > > For both, huh? He mentioned that Lorne had found something but he hadn't specified which problem it was. > I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know, longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it. Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month. I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait until after you've got her back. > > All right, I'm trying to think of an evening activity that you wouldn't automatically consider torture and the only thing I'm coming up with is "beat something up". Help me out here. If I was taking you out for a night, what would you want to do? > I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us, you know? Not forced conversation or anything. Maybe that sounds boring though. Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date. So to speak. > > > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks. > > I'll find something else to poke you with. And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. > Heh. Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me. > > Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or three religiously. > I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast and I could never figure out what anyone's name was. The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty interchangable. Not that I ever watched soaps or anything. > > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me. > Really? Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't think I had the right equipment, if you know what I mean. And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a deal for a vampire. > > The friends thing? It's a given. It's not going to change. Don't worry about that; you're stuck with me, Angel. So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth. > Okay. Wow, this is hard. Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too. God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you know, kind of... use you, like that. No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's hard to believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know all my skeletons and still think of me like... Fantasies, huh? Me too. > > And yeah, I think I was flirting. Not that I made a conscious decision to but- Yeah. > Okay, so... Um. Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say. Yeah, can so get that, man. > > > People flirt with me sometimes. You know, when I go places. At night, mostly. I think it's happened so many times that I don't really notice it anymore. Too wrapped up in my own... you know, stuff. Plus it never means anything. > > And if I said that this time it did mean something? > I'm... Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though things are different now, I don't... Angel I... God. I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel and that's not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that before. I don't want to hurt you. > > Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away. And I wouldn't consider it settling either. > Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please. Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with your head like you put it. I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should. > > > > Maybe not right this moment, no. We can wait and revisit when Cordelia wakes up. > > > Oh yay. That sounds like so much fun. > > We're going to have to. I don't want to just be the consolation prize. > You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best, they go on about what a fixer upper I am. > > And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about being that for Cordelia or you. > Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You deserve to be happy. Seriously. If... if I want you? > Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does? Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too about what's going to happen when I get out of here. > > Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam. > I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in another twenty-four hours. Ah, the wonders of a vampire's constitution. > It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply. Should I ask where it comes from? > > > > Maybe I can find the security feed to the gym and watch you sometime. > > > Yeah, that'd be exciting for you. > > You've no idea. > Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most boring things to look at. I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants... Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me. > > > Most of it was probably thanks to you. > > Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers. > You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends. It meant a lot. I... I'm glad I helped. > > Deciding to help her, you were working towards something. Leaving, you were walking away from something. It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you. > Tell me about it. You've got things in front of you now, y'know. > There was this whole apocalypse thing in Sunnydale -- oh, which by the way is gone now -- and Buffy's solution, her way to win the war, was to share her Slayer powers with every girl in the world who had the potential to be the next Slayer. So there're an awful lot of young, very powerful girls running around, not knowing what to do with themselves. And the Watcher's Council -- the building, along with most of the Watchers -- got blown up, so Giles has his hands full trying to rebuild, and everything, all at once. See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you come back. Remember this, and don't die again. I'll take it under advisement. But at least it gives us something to talk about. > > > Stupid smiley faces. > > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-) > I guess I'm starting to get used to them. They'll grow on you. :-) > > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right? Right? > > > I... think about it. Sometimes. > > So that would be a no. > That would be a no. So far. You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades. > > First thing I'm going to do when I get outta here is stand you in front of your windows and raise the shades. I want to see you in sunlight. > That's... I don't know what to say. Thanks? I think. Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you have it down when I do get outta here. > > In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you mean....? > Just what I said. Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love? > Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't be a question of which one of us deserved to die more. I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life history when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've done to try to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I think I know what I'm talking about here. Okay? > > What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you about your expendability, I'm wrong? > Yeah. Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired. When was the last time you got some sleep? > > > It was a good punch. Took me by surprise, did the job. My jaw hurt for a couple of days afterward, too. > > Well there was a lot of adrenaline in my system at the time. Just because I knew what I had to do didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless. > Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff. Just don't do it again, okay? Ever. Not planning on it. Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point. > > So I gave you a bruise and Cordelia the visions. I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of momentos, did I? > I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out there's part of her that was too. Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or something. > > > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire. > > So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh? > You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think. You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd think too. > > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her. > I think you're right. I usually am. About this kinda stuff anyway. > > > You think I should talk to him? Shit, not that I'd know what to say. > > I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he remembers doing against him. > Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try. Just, whatever comes from your heart. > > Elvis with fangs? > Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's true, don't you think he's probably a vampire? Who would be insane enough to turn Elvis the way he was when he died? > > > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis. > > Certainly not late Elvis. Maybe a little like early Elvis. Y'know, back when he was hot. > Oh God. I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me? > > None of us are meant to carry that kind of thing alone. That's why we have this handy talent known as communication. > Thanks. I mean it. Any time. And I mean that too. > > The ol' cold shoulder treatment. Yeah, could see her doing that. > Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it. Luckily, most of the time she just yells. Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself. > > > That time, I managed to save her. > > We'll save her this time too, Angel. Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will. > Yeah. We will. I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before it got this bad. We do what we can. No one can do any more than that. > > > He was such a great baby. > > And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the physical momentos you had of him. No pictures or anything. > You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along with all the others. Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now. Maybe... do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we can find a picture from his new life. Just so you can have one. > > I'm sorry. > It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if anyone had found it. If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could always blame it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side. > > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you. > He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he did have was so soft... He sounds like he was really, really great. > Sorry. I can't do this. It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming. > > Y'know I wish I could get my non-existent hands on this Holtz character. I'd impose a few opinions of my own on him. To use a child like that... > Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family... At least he got a second chance. You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in order to give him a better life. You're a good father. > And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't based on fact. There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see that when he was growing up though. And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care. > > Lilah? > She worked for W&H, for years. Evil lawyer bitch type, pretty much. She was the one that Wes... you know. She got killed, but what with Wolfram and Hart's whole perpetuity clause thing, her contract extended beyond death, so W&H used her to get us set up here. Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with an offer you can't refuse. Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy. > Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway. Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put into words. > > > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true. > > It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know. > Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it. I'll just think it REALLY LOUD. > > > Plus I think it might make me blush, and not like I can look in a mirror to check. > > Can you blush? > I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving around. We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here. And there goes those double entendres again. > > :-) Thanks. I need something to show my emotions. Don't have hands to gesture with, or a face to make expressions with. Feels positively indecent to talk without some sort of ability to display emotions. > Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the way things are now. Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and all until I couldn't. > But don't worry. You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we will. I swear it. I know. I'm not worried. If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails. > > > Well. Could live without the Elvis one. > > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[ > Really, no. Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog." Back to the drawing board then. > > > Uh-huh. Seen anything interesting yet? > > Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through... Your office would be the biggest one, right? > I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how mine compares. Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in my head. :-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there. So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless you've opened them up...? > > I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term. > Um. Thanks. Just truth. > > > Sometimes it's like I need to keep believing that he was really trying to betray me, so that I can stay mad at him. Wow, that sounds really fucked up, doesn't it. > > I can get that. It hurt you *a lot* what happened. Moreso because you trusted Wesley so much, I'm guessing. If you stay mad at him, you don't have to forgive him and let him back in. If you don't let him back in, he can't get close again. If he can't get close again he doesn't have the same kind of power to hurt you. But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again? > I guess the answer is: I don't know. It's hard. On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose. Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back. He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship you used to have as much as you do, and has about as much idea how to get it back as you do too. Lucky you two have me, huh? > > I wish... well there's nothing I can do about it from where I am now. I don't know if there would've been anything I could've done if I'd been there then. But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done anything. > Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts. I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs. And I still wish I'd been there. > > That's part of the insane with grief gig, Angel. You'd lost your *son*. You couldn't get at Holtz; Wesley was the only one you could get to. Of course you wanted to make him hurt as much as you did. But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're afraid of what he can do to you? > Maybe. I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do. Tell him that? > > I can imagine. Though your "Fuck" was probably a bit more soggy... Inappropriate humour again. Sorry. I just... If I don't laugh at it, I'm going to get all caught up in the thought of you down there all alone, trapped, and I... I've already discovered I can't cry without a body. > Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there anything I can do? To help? You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch, keeping me occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about for my sanity's sake. > Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there. No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help, make a difference somehow. Affect reality. Makes it easier to believe I'm really real. > > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. > There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him. I would've helped. > > > I know. That's why I tried to tell him that things between us were okay again, after that. But he didn't really believe me, and I don't think he was wrong, not completely, you know? > > Yeah. Because you're scared to completely trust him again. And... not saying what you did wasn't understandable, but maybe he'd like an acknowledgement that trying to kill him is something you feel sorry for. > Yeah. Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing. Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either. There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know. He doesn't remember what happened. And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about. > > That still boggles my mind -- Cordelia as a higher being. Though I can see it. She's as beautiful as an angel; not much of a stretch to see her as an actual one. > I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know? Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her. > > > It was really fucking hard, and really easy, at the same time. > > Because you love him and he's your son, but he'd also dumped you at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, that deserves something a bit more than being sent to his room. > It doesn't matter now. It's done. It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember that. And you're still doing what's best for him. > > > I saw them. Together, I mean. It was this whole thing with this Beast, and I needed to make sure they were safe. So I went to where they were staying and... pretty much couldn't have had worse timing. > > No shit. That had to be... God. And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out how you were feeling. > There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt. Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing else so that I could be there for you. > It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both. No it doesn't. It seems human. > > > No, it's okay. I know what you mean. Sometimes you've gotta laugh about it. > > It's either laugh or cry and since I can't physically do the latter at the moment... > I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything. Don't really have much to talk about, do I? Been dead, still have no body, barely have an existence... The world's totally changed since I was last here... I... I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here. > I'm much better at listening than I am at talking. Yeah, you are. I remember that. > > There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel. > It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess. Yeah, it's all about moving on, isn't it? Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from comes back. > > > > Does it help? Knowing you have someone you can talk to about this now? > > > Yeah. More than I can say. Thanks. And I hope you don't regret it later. > > I won't. > I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much. Not going to happen, Angel. > You okay in there? I mean really? I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you, if you're really telling me the things that you are... Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep wondering what happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or crashes or accidentally gets wiped or something... > Would you tell me if you weren't? I guess yeah, I would. Doyle Next Part Main Page Send Feedback