All the Wrong Places - Part 8 To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. God, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. Type it. Whatever. > > Wesley says he's been really busy, but he'll get back to you in the next couple of hours. He didn't want you to think he was ignoring you or anything. > I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've both been great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do appreciate it. I'm trying. But then I keep thinking I'm just going on and on about my problems. What the hell kind of fun can that be for you? But then, maybe better than just hanging out in there, huh. > > It's NOT that styled. I don't know why people think it is. I mean, I hardly do anything to it. Heck, half the time I can't even find my hairbrush, which is really weird because I always use it in the bathroom. > Maybe you have a poltergeist who keeps stealing it as a commentary or something. And it's more styled than I ever did with mine. Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about Dennis. Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty it out. > > Okay, okay, you're funny. Feel better? > Yes. Good. > > > It's... very stylised. Obvious that you spend a lot of time on it. > > Again, I really don't. > More than I ever did. More than a lot of guys do. Two minutes? Two minutes is a lot? Well okay, maybe three tops. > Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did. I resent that. Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute. > > It's not that much. Honest. One little bit of this gel stuff, rub it in, brush hair, muss with fingers. That's it, I swear. > What made you start using the gel stuff? Um... I guess it was just the thing to do. It's actually a lot less than we used to use back in the 50s. That stuff was like grease, man, and you had to completely slick your hair back if you didn't want people to look at you funny. Huh, guess maybe that's why it doesn't seem like a lot. In comparison, I mean. > > I don't know I guess it was longer than I thought it was, which is weird because it USED to be much longer. Now that I keep it short, I guess I just thought, you know, it'd be short. But it kind of stuck up. > Well yeah. It's a bit spiky. Wasn't that the look you were going for? A little. Just not that much, you know? > > I'd kind of forgotten what I looked like. > You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything? Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it. > Not that I ever understood how a vampire could have their picture taken. But then, nobody consulted me when making up the rules about this sort of thing. Hey, it wasn't my idea either. > > The way not needing to breathe or eat does to vampires. Yeah. Takes a little while to get used to, but once you do... > I think you can get used to almost anything when you're not given any other choice. Almost anything, yeah. > > > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back. > > > I believe you. > > You'd better. > I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing. Very, very seriously, where you and Cordy are concerned. > > > The way you keep talking when you get into trouble, hoping that eventually you'll talk yourself back out. It's cute. > > God, cute? Sorry. I'll try to stop doing it then. > Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually what manly men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but... Exactly. Cute is not the look I'm going for. On the other hand, it's kind of nice to hear. > > > Been a while since I've been very important. Or even important. > > You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the beginning. And not just because of the visions. > Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start? Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it. > > Good idea. I wasn't sure about the box of chocolates thing, so I got her a really big bag of M&Ms. She was really happy, or at least pretended like she was. > Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say take her reaction at face value. Oh. Yeah, I didn't mean that. More just like... well, women are hard to figure. > > Another long story. When W&H brought Darla back, I was... kind of obsessed. And not in the good way. I could feel myself sinking, getting pulled under, you know? And I didn't want to drag Cordy and Wes and Gunn with me, so I fired them. Figured if they were away from me, at least I couldn't get them hurt. > That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I wasn't there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by telling me I was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever. Worked good enough for them. I think maybe they were so surprised that they didn't know how to react. And yeah, I can picture you refusing to leave. You were always stubborn like that. > > Of course, turns out Wes goes and gets himself shot, so that didn't even work out the way I wanted it to. > Yeah, he mentioned that in passing. He's had a rough time. He would have been better off if he'd never come to L.A. and hooked up with me, that's for sure. It's been one thing after another. > > But anyway, while they were gone I took all the stuff Cordy'd left at the hotel to this shelter, and when she came back and found out all her stuff was gone, she was pissed. Plus she couldn't really forgive me for the whole firing thing. I was trying to do something nice for her, you know, make things better between us, so I bought her a bunch of clothes. She was... pretty happy. > Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying her new ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces. At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything if I bought them. Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it, but... it was worth it. > > > And yeah, I've had a thing or two. > > There, was that so hard to admit? > It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard. Why? Tell me. > > Okay, I told you about me, it's only fair that you tell me. Ante up. > Yeah, I knew I should've backspaced that sentence. I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to live as a half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just needed to know whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I should...Well, you wouldn't want to hear about that part. Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as hell don't like the idea of you being there. Never again, okay? I'm always gonna be here for you, so if you feel... you know, desperate, come TALK to me. > Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how much I'd had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great singer or anything, but no one ran for the hills. You're a better singer than I am then. > Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff about needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to lead me to something good. Something I needed. He was right. They led me to you. I don't know what to say. I'm starting to suspect that you're reading poetry or something in there though. Sounds like it to me. > > > So, Manilow, huh? > > I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty. > Did I say anything? You didn't have to, you were thinking it. > > Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this office and things wouldn't be any different here. > I don't buy that. Well, wait 'til you get out of there and then see for yourself. > > > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-) > > Natural SOMETHING. > Bite me. Now you REALLY don't want me doing that. > > I think it was one for you they found first, but then this one for Cordy showed up and I think they're focusing on that. Not because you're a lower priority, but because of the whole time thing. You know, longer someone's in a coma, less likely they are to come out of it. Plus something about this spell, it has to be performed on a certain night, like with the moon in a certain phase or something, and if they don't get it in time we'll have to wait another month. > I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait until after you've got her back. Whoever needs it more comes first. If that was you, you'd be first in line. It's my call. Which means that if this doesn't work for Cordy, it's your turn next. > > I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us, you know? Not forced conversation or anything. Maybe that sounds boring though. > Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date. So to speak. Sounds great to me. > > > > Just remember what I said about the pointy sticks. > > > I'll find something else to poke you with. And boy did that come out sounding more dirty than I had intended. > > Heh. > Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me. Hey, I don't mind. Hit me with your best shot. Um, wasn't that a song? > > > Don't tell Harry that. How do you think I know about soaps she watched two or three religiously. > > I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast and I could never figure out what anyone's name was. > The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty interchangeable. Not that I ever watched soaps or anything. No, of course not. > > > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me. > > Really? > Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't think I had the right equipment, if you know what I mean. That's never been an issue for me. Well, not since I became a vampire anyway. Two hundred and fifty years would be an awful long time to limit yourself to half the opportunities out there, you know? > And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a deal for a vampire. Not at all. I always kinda liked it, actually. > > > So that being said, the answer I want to hear is whichever is the truth. > > Okay. Wow, this is hard. Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too. God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you know, kind of... use you, like that. > No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's hard to believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know all my skeletons and still think of me like... There's nothing about you that could keep me from thinking of you like that. > Fantasies, huh? Yeah, pretty vivid ones too. I could tell you about them, if, you know, you wanted to hear. Or maybe that would be too weird? Or frustrating? > Me too. Really? I mean... about me? > > Back into that place where I'm not sure what to say. > Yeah, can so get that, man. At least we can be there together, every once in a while. Makes it easier. > > > And if I said that this time it did mean something? > > I'm... Jesus, Doyle. Don't do this to me. Please. It's been a hell of a long time since I was able to have anything like that, and even though things are different now, I don't... > Angel I... God. I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel and that's not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that before. I don't want to hurt you. Would it be totally depressing if I told you that everything hurts? Because it pretty much does. I don't want you not to talk about it, as much as... don't hint around and leave me wondering. Because I can't take getting my hopes up if nothing's going to come of it. There's a nice double entendre for ya. > > > Well maybe I don't count as PEOPLE but I wouldn't turn you away. And I wouldn't consider it settling either. > > Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please. > Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with your head like you put it. No, I know. I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't do it on purpose. I just... It's so complicated. I need someone, and I don't want you thinking that you just came along at the right time. I feel like I've been alone for too long, without someone to really talk to. Even if I suck at it. I don't want you thinking it wasn't really you I wanted. > I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should. Me too. Way more than I should, and... I want you. Because you're you, not because you turned up when you did. If I'm stepping way over the line here, you gotta tell me, okay? > > > We're going to have to. I don't want to just be the consolation prize. > > You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone would be lucky to have you. > Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best, they go on about what a fixer upper I am. It's the complete truth. Um, what I said, I mean, not the fixer upper thing. You're amazing. You always have been. > > > And you know what the real scary thing is I'm not sure who I'm talking about being that for Cordelia or you. > > Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You deserve to be happy. Seriously. > If... if I want you? See, that's what I mean. Do you? Or is that just, like, hypothetical? If you want me... I'm right here. And we're gonna get you out of there, and I'm still gonna be right here. > > Would I sound like a complete ass if I said I want her to wake up, but I'm kinda scared of what might happen when she does? > Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too about what's going to happen when I get out of here. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make things right for you, that's what's gonna happen. > > > Not sure I like the broken face part. I like you in one piece. But glad you got to blow off some steam. > > I'm okay. Some extra blood, an ice pack, good as new. Or will be in another twenty-four hours. > Ah, the wonders of a vampire's constitution. Yeah. The human blood doesn't hurt either. > > It's actually one of the perks of working for W&H -- plentiful blood supply. > Should I ask where it comes from? Oh, believe me, I checked it out. Rejected from donor drives for various reasons, too old to use on patients in the emergency room, mostly. It's all aboveboard. > > Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most boring things to look at. > I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants... Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me. Oh. Um... really? Because if I knew you were watching... Jesus. I don't know if I can even go down there again now. I don't think I'll be able to work out like that. > > > Me? I just passed on the message from the Powers. > > You're kidding, right? You did a lot more than that. You brought me out of myself, showed me that it was okay for me to have friends. It meant a lot. > I... I'm glad I helped. You did. > > > It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you. > > Tell me about it. > You've got things in front of you now, y'know. Do I? It's starting to look that way, a little bit. I could use some reassurance here, you know. > > See what happens when you go and die? Awful lot to catch up on when you come back. Remember this, and don't die again. > I'll take it under advisement. But at least it gives us something to talk about. Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it was okay. > > > > Stupid smiley faces. > > > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-) > > I guess I'm starting to get used to them. > They'll grow on you. :-) Yeah, I guess if they're anything like you, they will. > > > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right? Right? > > > > I... think about it. Sometimes. > > > So that would be a no. > > That would be a no. So far. > You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades. There's a part of me that really, really wants to. It's just hard. It doesn't feel like something I should have. Lots of things don't. > > > I want to see you in sunlight. > > That's... I don't know what to say. Thanks? I think. > Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you have it down when I do get outta here. I might. Try, I mean. > > > In light of the earlier weak in the knees conversation, when you say love you mean....? > > Just what I said. > Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love? More like the second one, although again, not so much weak in the knees. Mostly I think because I'd kind of need my knees for the kinds of things I'd like to do to you. Oh god, you really need to stop me from saying stuff like that. If you don't want me to say stuff like that. > > Doyle, do you have ANY real idea of how many completely horrible things I did as Angelus? I have to think no, because if you did there wouldn't be a question of which one of us deserved to die more. > I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life history when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've done to try to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I think I know what I'm talking about here. Okay? Okay. Okay, it's just... When Cordy told me -- and I know, it might not really have been her then, it's so hard to know -- when she told me that actually SEEING the stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just about killed me. I don't want to go through that again. > > > What's that supposed to mean? That because I don't agree with you about your expendability, I'm wrong? > > Yeah. Sorry. I don't even know for sure what I mean. I'm just... tired. > When was the last time you got some sleep? I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head. Sometimes I just want it to stop. > > Yeah, adrenaline's powerful stuff. Just don't do it again, okay? Ever. > Not planning on it. Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point. I meant more the dying thing. If you needed to punch me again for some legitimate, non-dying kind of reason I could forgive you for that. > > > I didn't exactly leave behind the nicest of mementos, did I? > > I was grateful for it. I think, when you can ask Cordy, you'll find out there's part of her that was too. > Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or something. You did. That video commercial thing that Cordy was trying to make? We watched it, after. It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers to do whatever she wanted with. Because, you know, you were more hers than mine. > > > > Well, I guess good is a judgement call, but still. Vampire. > > > So guess that makes me not a man either then, huh? > > You're alive. That counts for a lot more than you'd think. > You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd think too. Does it? > > > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her. > > I think you're right. > I usually am. About this kinda stuff anyway. I'll take your word for it. > > > I think making the effort would help. He seems to think that he's here just out of a matter of form or something. He thinks you still hold whatever it is he remembers doing against him. > > Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try. > Just, whatever comes from your heart. I will. I'll just keep reminding myself that you think it's the right thing to do. That'll make it easier, I think. > > > Elvis with fangs? > > Hey, there are still people reporting sightings of Elvis. If that's true, don't you think he's probably a vampire? > Who would be insane enough to turn Elvis the way he was when he died? Good point. > > > > God, please tell me I don't look like Elvis. > > > Certainly not late Elvis. Maybe a little like early Elvis. Y'know, back when he was hot. > > Oh God. > I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me? Not about that, about the thought that I might look like ANY Elvis. Do you really think that? About the hot thing? > > Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it. Luckily, most of the time she just yells. > Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself. Guess it's something I should envy, huh. You admire that. That she's so good at telling people how she feels. > > > > That time, I managed to save her. > > > We'll save her this time too, Angel. Or, y'know, you people not trapped in computers will. > > Yeah. We will. I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before it got this bad. > We do what we can. No one can do any more than that. It just never feels like enough. > > > And I bet when you did the mindwipe and lifeswitcheroo, you lost all the physical mementos you had of him. No pictures or anything. > > You're right. I actually tried to save one -- hid it, tried not to think about it, in case that would help. But it disappeared right along with all the others. > Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now. Maybe... do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we can find a picture from his new life. Just so you can have one. NO. I'm not mad. Just, no. This is the only good thing I've ever been able to do for him. I'm not going to take any chances on taking that away. > > It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if anyone had found it. > If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could always blame it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side. No. I don't want to talk about it any more. > > > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you. > > He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he did have was so soft... > He sounds like he was really, really great. He was. He was incredible. He was mine. > > Sorry. I can't do this. > It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming. There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when I don't want it to. > > Well, like I said, he's dead. Holtz, I mean, though actually Connor might as well be too. He's got a different name now, doesn't remember any of it. Thinks he grew up in this perfect family... At least he got a second chance. > You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in order to give him a better life. You're a good father. No, not really. But this was the one good thing I could do for him. I wasn't going to mess it up. > > And I didn't blame Connor for how he felt about me. Not like it wasn't based on fact. > There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see that when he was growing up though. And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care. Angelus slaughtered his family, then turned his daughter and left her there for him to find. So that she could either kill him, or him her. I didn't care which. *I* did that. Holtz had good reason to do what he did. I deserved all of it. > > Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with an offer you can't refuse. > Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy. Uh-huh. Plus the fact that for a little while he thought Angelus was the one who killed her didn't help. > > Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway. > Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p Sorry. I was sort of under the impression that your mind lived in the gutter. > > > > > You were a good role model for me. And a better inspiration than I could put into words. > > > > Don't say stuff like that. It's not true. > > > It is true. Whether I say it or not, it's what I think, and feel, and know. > > Okay, you go right ahead and think that, just don't SAY it. > I'll just think it REALLY LOUD. That doesn't help, you know. > > > Can you blush? > > I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving around. > We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here. And there goes those double entendres again. Oh. For a minute there I was hoping that one was on purpose. > > Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the way things are now. > Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and all until I couldn't. It won't be much longer, I promise. > > You're not, are you? Worried? That we won't get you out? Because we will. I swear it. > I know. I'm not worried. If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails. Yeah, or talk to me. Um, I mean, there's some way to do that live, sort of. I've gotta check with somebody who knows more about computers than me, though, to figure it out. I'll let you know. > > > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[ > > Really, no. Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog." > Back to the drawing board then. It's okay, Doyle. Don't worry about it. > > > Lobby, elevators, a few offices, lots of hallways. Still clicking through... Your office would be the biggest one, right? > > I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how mine compares. Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in my head. > :-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there. So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless you've opened them up...? Not yet. > > > I can't think you've changed that much in the looks department since I died. You were fine back then. In all meanings of the term. > > Um. Thanks. > Just truth. Still. Nice to know you think so. > > > But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again? > > I guess the answer is: I don't know. It's hard. On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose. Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back. > He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship you used to have as much as you do, and has about as much idea about how to get it back as you do too. Lucky you two have me, huh? Very lucky. More than I can say. > > > But still, I wish I had been there for you. Even if I couldn't have done anything. > > Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts. > I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs. And I still wish I'd been there. Thanks. I wish you had been too. Maybe if you had, things would have worked out different. > > > But, maybe, that's part of why you're still trying to stay mad and keep Wesley at a distance? Because you're afraid of what you can do to him as much as you're afraid of what he can do to you? > > Maybe. I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do. > Tell him that? Yeah, I will. > > > I've already discovered I can't cry without a body. > > Shit. Are you okay? I mean, here I am going on and on and you're STUCK in there and... it feels like there isn't anything I can do. Is there anything I can do? To help? > You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch, keeping me occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about for my sanity's sake. Things that if you talked about them, maybe you wouldn't have to worry about your sanity? Because I'm right here, ready to listen to anything. Anything that's worrying you. And we're going to get you out of there really soon. It's not going to be a lot longer, and I'll be waiting right here when you get out. Does any of that help at all? > > Maybe all this heavy conversation should wait until you're out of there. > No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help, make a difference somehow. Affect reality. Well, you affect me. And it helps, a lot, to have someone to talk to. You're making a difference for me. > Makes it easier to believe I'm really real. You ARE. You're real, Doyle. I'm talking to you and you're talking to me and this is real. I promise. > > > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. > > There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him. > I would've helped. I probably wouldn't have let you. But it means a lot to know you would have been willing. > > Yeah, you might be right. About the apology thing. Wouldn't mind hearing him say it either. > There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know. He doesn't remember what happened. And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about. I know. Kinda lost my chance on that one, didn't I. But you're still right, and I'm going to talk to him. > > I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know? > Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her. I never thought that you did. > > It doesn't matter now. It's done. > It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember that. And you're still doing what's best for him. I guess I should feel better that I was able to do that one thing. > > > And I bet you just swallowed it and went on -- didn't go rant to anyone, let out how you were feeling. > > There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt. > Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing else so that I could be there for you. Part of me's glad you weren't. Glad you didn't have to see me go through all of that. > > It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both. > No it doesn't. It seems human. I'm not human, Doyle. > > I'm here, you know. If you want to talk about anything. > Don't really have much to talk about, do I? Been dead, still have no body, barely have an existence... The world's totally changed since I was last here... I... I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here. There is. It's right here with me. It doesn't matter if you want... that... with me or not, you'll always have a place here. You know how Cordy's gonna feel to have you back? She's gonna get that huge smile on her face, the one that lights up a room. And the world hasn't changed that much. Except now we don't have to go next door for decent coffee, it's right in the office. Well, except the office is way bigger than the whole block used to be. I'm still the same. Pretty much. > > I'm much better at listening than I am at talking. > Yeah, you are. I remember that. Talk as much as you want. I'll listen. > > > There's humour in anything if you look at it from the right angle. But man... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Angel. > > It's done, you know? Time to move on, I guess. > Yeah, it's all about moving on, isn't it? Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from comes back. Not for me. Not when it's you. I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another. > > I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much. > Not going to happen, Angel. Good. I don't want to lose you again. > > You okay in there? I mean really? > I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you, if you're really telling me the things that you are... Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep wondering what happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or crashes or accidentally gets wiped or something... We've got a generator, it's been on stand-by since you showed up. Well, actually, it's a system of generators, something about having a back-up for the back-up. And they say there's never been a computer crash here since the company started -- some kind of spell, I think, though I never asked for the details because, well, they wouldn't make much sense to me anyway. You're okay. You're safe in there, until we can get you out. > > Would you tell me if you weren't? > I guess yeah, I would. Good. Not because I want you to be not okay, but because it's better. When you can tell someone that you aren't. Okay. I'm right here, Doyle. - Angel __________ To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hello Wesley > I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply. I got very wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to organize them properly. No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just concentrate on helping Cordelia. > > Guide, teach, pretty much the same thing when you get down to it. Or close to it. Both are just words for helping prepare a person to better take on the challenges in life. > In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges unwittingly than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten out of that line of work. Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me. > > > There was also a time when it almost seemed to me that he was going to get past that tendency, a time when his brooding almost seemed... behind him. Sadly, it didn't last. > > Poor guy just can't catch a break. > That does seem to be true. We're... talking some. About... stuff. I'm doing what I can to help. > > Maybe you can't put it behind you because you're not ready to. If you haven't dealt with your feelings and what's happened to the someone in question... > I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid. That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you should try not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more. Tell me about her? > > No problem. I haven't gotten much further than the security feeds, as being able to see again even in this limited way is pretty intoxicating. > I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that won't be too disappointing. I'm starting to know my way around in here better, figuring out how to go from feed to feed. And there's other controls, though I haven't played with any of them -- don't want to freak anybody out and have them try and "fix" the computers. > > > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not convinced they're the sorts of things people get past. > > So you think he's lying? > No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as over the past as he claims to be. I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that you're not totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps. > And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders. Have you talked about it? Or just both gone into your separate corners and brooded? > > Yeah, I'm trying to get him to change that choice. Angel's not happy if someone else is doing the hitting. > He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart. Yeah, I'm definitely get a 'holed up in a cave' vibe from him. But I'm trying to help, such as I can the way I am at the moment. Maybe.. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were before all the badness happened? > > > I wouldn't call rash behaviour 'charming.' > > The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm even if it is rash. > I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on. I... Huh? > > No, I don't have any kids. Wanted some, loved the little rugrats but... Harry -- my ex -- she and I were talking about it, but then I went all demony. And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick. > She didn't want children after that? It was more me. Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic disease. Sucks for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had? Wasn't one I was willing to take. > Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so. I will. They haven't been yet. > > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here. > I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right. Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer system: you are. > > Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes. > Angel's not a big laugher, that's true. I considered it a victory if I got a wry smile out of him. > > Yeah, that girl can talk, can't she? And she can go from mundane to important subject and back again before you can react. Christ, I miss her. > So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things I did. Or didn't do. When we get her back, you can ask her. It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth. Once you know, you can fix things. > > > It's good to know. > > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. > I've never had any doubts. Tell him that? > There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive a reward, become human and live again. Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet. > Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if he's thought of that. No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the Oracles would never have turned time back. In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the fulfillment of the prophecy. > > I guess there is that. Hard to think of Cordelia as being not Cordelia. > It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough. Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies. > > You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? > I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have come and gone. Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore? > > There's a difference between throwing yourself into a bottle and justifiably raising a glass to celebrate being alive when, by all rights, you should be long gone, y'know. > I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet. Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-) Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'. > > Why? I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but... > Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you or anyone else I like say things like that. I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what you're doing for me, and from what Angel's told me about you. > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do. What incidents? > > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. > The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in the emotionally negative sort of way. Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be. > > > It doesn't seem that being dead for more than three years has harmed your sense of humor. > > I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far. > Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything. Well I came up with this: @:-[ But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about whether Elvis could be a vampire... As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues. > > > That's one word for it, yes. And I don't blame him. Well, that's not completely true. Part of me *does* blame him, and then feels guilty for doing so. It's quite a miserable cycle actually. > > Sounds like it. Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle. > Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean. Talk to him? > > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way. > I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it? Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller. > Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit. Snort. Yeah, that's going to happen. Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter. Ah, I see we're having the same kind of reaction here. > > I want to find the feed for where Angel is. And you. I have no idea what y ou look like; it would be nice to have a face to put to the words and name. And... Cordelia. Is she on the premises? > I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least. Oh, and all the books would also be a clue. I found it! At least I think so -- are you a tall, thin man with dark hair styled not totally unlike Angel's, in need of a shave? > Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think you'd need to access the wing's private system first. I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel. > > > You're welcome. It wasn't any trouble. I generally visit her twice a week or so, at a minimum. > > I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up. > I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest. Yeah, I get that. So would I. > > > Yes, one has to assume it's possible. > > We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone is listening. > Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we. It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that. > Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things go smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after tomorrow, and whether that works or not, we'll move on to yours immediately thereafter. Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and leaving her the visions. > How are you holding up? I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there where it's been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through. Doyle Next Part Main Page Send Feedback