All the Wrong Places - Part 9 To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. > > I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to reply -- I got very wrapped up in these two spells that we've discovered, and trying to organize them properly. > No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just concentrate on helping Cordelia. I am. I just didn't want you to feel abandoned. I know what that's like, and it's not a pleasant feeling. I'd like to spare you from it if possible. > > In my case, I rather think I presented more challenges -- unwittingly -- than I helped to solve. So perhaps it's just as well that I've gotten out of that line of work. > Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me. You could go back to it at some point? If you wanted to. Without the visions, you'd be free to pursue whatever career path you chose. > > > Poor guy just can't catch a break. > > That does seem to be true. > We're... talking some. About... stuff. I'm doing what I can to help. I'm glad. He called me earlier, actually, and said that he'd like to talk to me at some point. I don't know if I have you to thank (or possibly blame) for that. We're going to try to have a drink this evening, if work schedules allow. > > I don't think I was raised to know how to deal with those sorts of feelings. Even acknowledging them was rather frowned upon. I'm much better at suppressing and denying, I'm afraid. > That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you should try not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more. Maybe. > Tell me about her? Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the fact that her goals came first. > > I rather suspect, at this point, that we'll be ready to get you out of there before I'll be able to pinpoint your exact location. I trust that won't be too disappointing. > I'm starting to know my way around in here better, figuring out how to go from feed to feed. And there's other controls, though I haven't played with any of them -- don't want to freak anybody out and have them try and "fix" the computers. Don't worry about that -- a memo went out shortly after you appeared, warning people that there might be some small glitches, but that it was part of a system update, and not to worry about them. Everyone was told to report more serious issues to me, and I haven't heard anything, so I suspect whatever you've been doing so far has gone relatively unnoticed. No one will tamper with anything without my express approval. So feel free to experiment a bit, if you like. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're aware of what you're doing. You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files. > > > > Actually, he said that things between us were 'okay again.' But it's not that simple. Things were said and done on both sides, and I'm not convinced they're the sorts of things people get past. > > > So you think he's lying? > > No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as over the past as he claims to be. > I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that you're not totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps. Thank you. It does help to know that. He can be hard to read at times -- for me, at least -- and it's good to have my suspicions verified. > > And to be fair, there's something I haven't forgiven him for either, so the trouble between us doesn't only lie on his shoulders. > Have you talked about it? Or just both gone into your separate corners and brooded? I'll admit that a fair amount of brooding has gone on, yes. It's difficult because I can see things from his point of view so clearly -- can understand why he did what he did, and can't quite blame him for it. It makes it hard to know if I should be righteously indignant or suicidally depressed. > > He's been very isolated. I do think that I've spoken to him more times since you've been back than I have in the months that we've been here at Wolfram and Hart. > Yeah, I'm definitely get a 'holed up in a cave' vibe from him. But I'm trying to help, such as I can the way I am at the moment. Maybe.. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were before all the badness happened? A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.' What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant. > > > The way he takes charge and just goes and *does*. That's part of his charm -- even if it is rash. > > I suppose that depends which side of the pillow you're on. > I... Huh? When I was in hospital after having my throat cut, he tried to smother me with a pillow. Seeing that written out in words is... more disturbing than I'd like to admit. > > > And, well, that kinda ended that conversation real quick. > > She didn't want children after that? > It was more me. Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic disease. Sucks for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had? Wasn't one I was willing to take. It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is a guarantee. I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that. Can you? > > Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so. > I will. They haven't been yet. Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions. (In case there's any doubt, that was another attempt to be humourous.) > > > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here. > > I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right. > Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer system: you are. You're more unbiased than I, that's certain. So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings, date? None of those sound particularly appealing. > > > Yeah. And they laughed at my jokes. > > Angel's not a big laugher, that's true. > I considered it a victory if I got a wry smile out of him. Indeed. > > > Christ, I miss her. > > So do I. Although actually it's been rather a long time since things between her and I were... normal. Comfortable. And I'm still not certain whether that's because she wasn't herself, or because of things I did. Or didn't do. > When we get her back, you can ask her. It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth. That's true. > Once you know, you can fix things. If that's possible. > > > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. > > I've never had any doubts. > Tell him that? I... I'll try. > > There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive a reward, become human and live again. > Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet. I think he's tried to put it from his mind. For all he knows it could be very far in the future, and he might prefer not to dwell on it on a daily basis. > > Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if he's thought of that. > No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the Oracles would never have turned time back. In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the fulfillment of the prophecy. That's one way to look at it. I made at least one serious error when originally translating the prophecy, so it's more than likely that I made more and haven't yet realized it. > > It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough. > Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies. I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels. > > > You saying a stuffed Brachen couldn't be cute? > > I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls, or similar spin-offs, have come and gone. > Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore? I'm sure they do, I just think that the merchandising craze has passed. Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of. I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help than I. > > I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet. > Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-) Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'. Will that be the point at which I know you've slipped into the bottle and are pickling your brain? > > > I mean, it's not like I don't appreciate the... passion on my behalf, but... > > Because I like you. Because I don't like hearing you -- or anyone else I like -- say things like that. > I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what you're doing for me, and from what Angel's told me about you. What... I'm very surprised that Angel would have anything positive to say about me. > > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do. > What incidents? The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared for, I suppose. > > > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. > > The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in the emotionally negative sort of way. > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be. No. Rather desperate actually. > > > I've been trying to come up with an emoticon that is an accurate representation of Angel's hair but no luck so far. > > Oh? Let me know if you come up with anything. > Well I came up with this: @:-[ But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about whether Elvis could be a vampire... As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues. Good to know that you're working toward improving the world in such important ways. > > > Guess the only thing to be done is find a way to break the cycle. > > Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean. > Talk to him? Well, yes. I hope. I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head insisting that this can't go well. > > > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way. > > I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it? > Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller. I wonder if you could start writing it while you're in there. It would give you something to do in the moments that you aren't talking to me or Angel, or exploring the wonders of the computer system. > > Perhaps after this, things might calm down a bit. Snort. Yeah, that's going to happen. Pardon me while I indulge in some more of that hysterical laughter. > Ah, I see we're having the same kind of reaction here. It's interesting, isn't it, how the world seems to have certain paths set out for some people? Paths that never seem to include any sort of stopping or relaxing or enjoying. Just moving forward in a line, with no end in sight. > > I have a small pencil holder on my desk -- it's made of grey steel mesh, and there's a red pen in it amongst the others that looks like the sort of thing a schoolteacher might use to correct his student's papers. I'm going to put it between my computer and the monitor. So if you ever come across it, you'll know that that's my office, at least. Oh, and all the books would also be a clue. > I found it! At least I think so -- are you a tall, thin man with dark hair styled not totally unlike Angel's, in need of a shave? ER, yes, that would be me. My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do something to remedy it. > > Cordelia's on the premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system. I think you'd need to access the wing's private system first. > I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel. Let me know if you find him. > > > I'm sure she appreciates it. Will appreciate it, when she wakes up. > > I do it as much for myself as I do for her, to be perfectly honest. > Yeah, I get that. So would I. Sometimes I wants to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand -- I know that they can't, not for me. But for some people -- Cordelia, you -- hopefully, they will. > > > > Yes, one has to assume it's possible. > > > We do everything we can to help. Even if it's talking when we're not sure anyone is listening. > > Yes, we're funny that way, aren't we. > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that. What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there? > > Now, for both of you, although we're concentrating on Cordelia's at the moment, as you made it clear that that was what you wanted done. If things go smoothly, we'll be able to try her spell the night after tomorrow, and whether that works or not, we'll move on to yours immediately thereafter. > Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and leaving her the visions. It's looking very promising so far. There isn't any reason not to think that we won't be able to do the spell tomorrow night. As soon as she's able, I'm sure Cordelia will be talking to you, even if it's only through Angel doing the typing for her. > > How are you holding up? > I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there where it's been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through. I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen. - Wesley __________ To: Angel From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hi Angel :-) > God, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. Type it. Whatever. Really? Not that I don't believe you, but it's still nice to hear. > > I didn't think that, but thanks for passing on the message. You've both been great at keeping a disembodied, formerly dead half Brachen company. I do appreciate it. > I'm trying. But then I keep thinking I'm just going on and on about my problems. What the hell kind of fun can that be for you? But then, maybe better than just hanging out in there, huh. It's been more than that. And even the bit where you tell me your problems -- it means a lot, Angel, that you trust me with that stuff. > > Maybe you have a poltergeist who keeps stealing it as a commentary or something. And it's more styled than I ever did with mine. > Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about Dennis. Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty it out. But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil law firm and all, get the apartment back? Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there for Cordelia when she wakes up. > > Though quite possibly less than Cordelia did. > I resent that. Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute. Is it? Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's hairstyles. > > What made you start using the gel stuff? > Um... I guess it was just the thing to do. It's actually a lot less than we used to use back in the 50s. That stuff was like grease, man, and you had to completely slick your hair back if you didn't want people to look at you funny. Huh, guess maybe that's why it doesn't seem like a lot. In comparison, I mean. So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped? > > Well yeah. It's a bit spiky. Wasn't that the look you were going for? > A little. Just not that much, you know? That's pretty much what you get with spiky. > > You never looked at yourself on cameras, or in photos or anything? > Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it. Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something? > > > > > But don't worry, we'll get ya back. > > > > I believe you. > > > You'd better. > > I do. I know how seriously you take this sorta thing. > Very, very seriously, where you and Cordy are concerned. I know, Angel. I know. > > Don't. Cute is a good thing. Really. Okay, granted it's not usually what manly men who spend their time doing manly things want to be described as but... > Exactly. Cute is not the look I'm going for. So if I told you the spiky hair was cute....? > On the other hand, it's kind of nice to hear. True too. Least in my eyes. > > > You've always been important to me. Pretty much right from the beginning. And not just because of the visions. > > Oh. Wow. That's... right from the start? > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it. That I was important? > > Unless you have reason to doubt that she's telling the truth, I'd say take her reaction at face value. > Oh. Yeah, I didn't mean that. More just like... well, women are hard to figure. I'd like to be able to argue with you, but yeah, they pretty much are. > > That was a damned fool thing to do, I hope you know. You're lucky I wasn't there at the time -- you wouldn't have been able to get rid of me just by telling me I was fired, or telling me to get out, or whatever. > Worked good enough for them. I think maybe they were so surprised that they didn't know how to react. The words "Think again, fangboy," come to mind as a possible reaction. > And yeah, I can picture you refusing to leave. I was sent to you for a reason; working with you helped me find a life's purpose again. Damn right I wouldn't have walked away from that. > You were always stubborn like that. You always brought that out in me. > He's had a rough time. He would have been better off if he'd never come to L.A. and hooked up with me, that's for sure. It's been one thing after another. This kind of life usually is. But from the little I've gleaned of Wesley's past, he was one thing after anothering before he came to L.A. Least here he's doing it with friends. > > Okay, giving away Cordelia's clothes, not a bright move. But buying her new ones, definitely the way to get back into her good graces. At least, if she likes your taste. She'd probably return everything if I bought them. > Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it, but... it was worth it. Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes? > > > There, was that so hard to admit? > > It's what the thing or two are that makes it hard. > Why? Tell me. Well, vampires with souls for one. > > I went once a little bit before I met you, trying to figure out how to live as a half demon with visions. I'm not sure why I sang. Maybe I just needed to know whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or if I should... Well, you wouldn't want to hear about that part. > Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as hell don't like the idea of you being there. There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much. > Never again, okay? I'm always gonna be here for you, so if you feel... you know, desperate, come TALK to me. Things are different now than they were then. Things were different even before I died. You're a big part of why they're different. > > Got up, sang "Wasn't That A Party." Seemed appropriate considering how much I'd had to drink in the previous 24 hours. I don't claim to be a great singer or anything, but no one ran for the hills. > You're a better singer than I am then. You saying there was hill running when you sang? > > Afterwards, the Host -- Lorne? -- sat with me. Told me a lot of stuff about needing to accept myself, and finally said the visions were going to lead me to something good. Something I needed. He was right. They led me to you. > I don't know what to say. I'm starting to suspect that you're reading poetry or something in there though. Sounds like it to me. Nah. This is all me. This is what happens when I talk long enough without any distractions. > > > > So, Manilow, huh? > > > I like his songs. They're, you know, kinda pretty. > > Did I say anything? > You didn't have to, you were thinking it. Maybe I was. So which Manilow song did you sing? > > > Most days I get the feeling that anyone else could be sitting in this office and things wouldn't be any different here. > > I don't buy that. > Well, wait 'til you get out of there and then see for yourself. No, it's wait till I get out of here and I'll make you see how important you are. > > > > Natural wit and charm, as I keep telling you. ;-) > > > Natural SOMETHING. > > Bite me. > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that. Depends on the context, I think. > > I also told him that Cordelia came first. So I'm quite willing to wait until after you've got her back. > Whoever needs it more comes first. If that was you, you'd be first in line. It's my call. Which means that if this doesn't work for Cordy, it's your turn next. If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it. > > > I don't know. Think I'd rather stay in, maybe. Have a few drinks, sit around. Listen to some music. Talk, but only when the mood strikes us, you know? Not forced conversation or anything. Maybe that sounds boring though. > > Not at all. When I get out of here. It's a date. So to speak. > Sounds great to me. Me too. :-) > > Something about you seems to bring out the double entendres in me. > Hey, I don't mind. Hit me with your best shot. Um, wasn't that a song? Yes. Pat Banter. > > > I tried at one point, but I couldn't keep up. Stuff happened too fast and I could never figure out what anyone's name was. > > The names? Don't really matter. Characters come in types and are pretty interchangeable. Not that I ever watched soaps or anything. > No, of course not. Anyone who says differently is a filthy liar. > > > > Oh. Well then, no I didn't think you had "weak in the knees" feelings about me. > > > Really? > > Yeah. I never thought... What with the Buffy thing and all... I didn't think I had the right equipment, if you know what I mean. > That's never been an issue for me. Well, not since I became a vampire anyway. Two hundred and fifty years would be an awful long time to limit yourself to half the opportunities out there, you know? Yeah, guess I should've figured. I mean I even had glimpses of... you not limiting yourself in that first huge "Angel, this is you life" vision. Guess I just chalked that up to Angelus doing pretty much anything to get to people. > > And then there was the half demon thing, though I guess not that big a deal for a vampire. > Not at all. I always kinda liked it, actually. You did? > > > Yeah, I had feelings for you. I don't know if I'd call them 'weak in the knees' exactly, but... well, let's just say you starred in more than a few dreams I had. And a few awake fantasies too. God. I'm sorry. I mean, does that sound horrible? I didn't mean to, you know, kind of... use you, like that. > > No, it's okay. It doesn't sound horrible. It sounds... I mean it's hard to believe but more because I have problems believing anyone could know all my skeletons and still think of me like... > There's nothing about you that could keep me from thinking of you like that. Nothing huh? Wow. That... means a lot. Thanks. > > Fantasies, huh? > Yeah, pretty vivid ones too. I could tell you about them, if, you know, you wanted to hear. Or maybe that would be too weird? Or frustrating? I think it would be very... enlightening. I'd like to hear how you thought of me. > > Me too. > Really? I mean... about me? Yeah. > > I don't... Do you want me not to talk about this? I feel what I feel and that's not going to change, but I can keep it to myself. Was doing that before. I don't want to hurt you. > Would it be totally depressing if I told you that everything hurts? It would be getting up there, yeah. > Because it pretty much does. Okay, that's something we're going to have to work on when I get outta here. I don't like the idea of you hurting. > I don't want you not to talk about it, as much as... don't hint around and leave me wondering. Because I can't take getting my hopes up if nothing's going to come of it. Okay. I'll try. It's not easy to just come out and say some of these things -- leaves me hanging out there all vulnerable-like and emotionally naked -- which is about the only kind of naked I can do at the moment. Not that I think you're going to do the conversational equivalent of pointing and laughing, but it's still kinda scary. Hinting around is a safer way of getting the same things out -- the metaphorical towel to cover the metaphorical nakedness. But I'll try not to do that. Just, if I slip and do hint -- I wouldn't be hinting if I didn't actually feel what I'm hinting at. Promise. > There's a nice double entendre for ya. I like the idea that I get your hopes up. And whatever else comes along with that. I promise I won't let you down. > > > Look, I can't do this, not if it's just, you know, you trying to make me feel better... don't mess with my head like this, okay? Please. > > Everything I'm saying is real, it's the truth. I would never mess with your head like you put it. > No, I know. I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't do it on purpose. I just... You just want to make sure there's something to get your hopes up for before getting your hopes up. From where I'm sitting, there is. > It's so complicated. I need someone, and I don't want you thinking that you just came along at the right time. I feel like I've been alone for too long, without someone to really talk to. Even if I suck at it. I don't want you thinking it wasn't really you I wanted. It's okay Angel. I never thought I was just... convenient. This -- whatever it is, friendship, maybe more -- between us is based on a real connection. I've known that for a long time. It's funny you mentioned the Gem of Afar earlier; that's when I really started realising how special you are. > > I care, Angel. A lot. Maybe more than I should. > Me too. Way more than I should, and... I want you. Because you're you, not because you turned up when you did. I... Thanks. Me too. > If I'm stepping way over the line here, you gotta tell me, okay? You're not even close to the line. Not that I ever thought we'd be talking about this kind of thing. But I'm glad we are. Really. > > > You'd NEVER be ANYONE's consolation prize. You shouldn't even fucking think that about yourself. You're so much better than that. Anyone would be lucky to have you. > > Thanks. I... no one's ever said that to me before. Usually, at best, they go on about what a fixer upper I am. > It's the complete truth. Um, what I said, I mean, not the fixer upper thing. You're amazing. You always have been. You're gonna make me blush. Y'know, if I had a body to blush with. But thanks. :-) > > > Whatever it is you want, Doyle, we're gonna make sure you get it. You deserve to be happy. Seriously. > > If... if I want you? > See, that's what I mean. Do you? Or is that just, like, hypothetical? That would be me hinting because coming right out and saying it is just too scary. But yeah, I do. Want you, I mean. > If you want me... I'm right here. And we're gonna get you out of there, and I'm still gonna be right here. I... Okay, I think it's my turn to ask for clarification here. When you say if I want you, you're right here, do you mean if I want *want* you, like in a having fantasies, more than friends kinda way? And does you're right here mean you'd be open to maybe exploring some of those fantasies? And, for my side, so I'm not hinting here, I'm kinda hoping the answer's yes. > > Not at all. Perfectly natural reaction. I have a bit of that too about what's going to happen when I get out of here. > I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make things right for you, that's what's gonna happen. You're wearing that "stubborn vampire, don't get in my way or I'll knock you across the room" face aren't you? > > > Well, not like I'm offering training sessions or anything. It's just me, hitting stuff. Must rank right up there among the world's most boring things to look at. > > I dunno. You sweaty, maybe stripped down to just your pants... Seems like it could be pretty interesting to me. > Oh. Um... really? Because if I knew you were watching... Jesus. I don't know if I can even go down there again now. I don't think I'll be able to work out like that. Now I really wanna watch you work out. Maybe when I get outta here, when I can help deal with any workout impediments that... come up. That entendre was deliberate by the way. > > > > It's always harder when you have nothing in front of you. > > > Tell me about it. > > You've got things in front of you now, y'know. > Do I? It's starting to look that way, a little bit. I could use some reassurance here, you know. You do. If I'm the kinda thing that you'd like to have in front of you. > > But at least it gives us something to talk about. > Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it was okay. If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than okay. I highly encourage it. > > > > > Stupid smiley faces. > > > > Ah, you love 'em and you know it. :-) > > > I guess I'm starting to get used to them. > > They'll grow on you. :-) > Yeah, I guess if they're anything like you, they will. Yeah, I grow on people -- like fungus. > > > > > > So you *are* taking advantage of this and letting the daylight in. Right? Right? > > > > > I... think about it. Sometimes. > > > > So that would be a no. > > > That would be a no. So far. > > You could change that really easily, ya know. Just open the shades. > There's a part of me that really, really wants to. It's just hard. It doesn't feel like something I should have. It is. Take it from me. > Lots of things don't. You're not going to pull that line on me if we follow where we seem to be heading, are you? > > > > I want to see you in sunlight. > > > That's... I don't know what to say. Thanks? I think. > > Y'welcome. You could practice that for awhile if you want, just so you have it down when I do get outta here. > I might. Try, I mean. Good. Because you are going to do it when I get outta here. I'll stand there and make you. > > Okay, so love. But is that buddy-buddy love. Or weak in the knees love? > More like the second one, although again, not so much weak in the knees. Mostly I think because I'd kind of need my knees for the kinds of things I'd like to do to you. Wow. I think I just proved that you don't need a body to get aroused. > Oh god, you really need to stop me from saying stuff like that. If you don't want me to say stuff like that. No, feel free to continue saying things like that as long and as much as you want. > > I *know* what you did as Angelus. I got the whole Angel-Angelus life history when I was sent to you. I know what you did, and I know what you've done to try to make up for it. I got a glimpse into your heart and your soul. So I think I know what I'm talking about here. Okay? > Okay. Okay, it's just... When Cordy told me -- and I know, it might not really have been her then, it's so hard to know -- when she told me that actually SEEING the stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just about killed me. I don't want to go through that again. Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent me that first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got *every* atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example. I've *seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions. I knew all that when I first met you. I'm still here. Still your friend. Still starting to hope for more. Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed when she said that? > > When was the last time you got some sleep? > I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head. Sometimes I just want it to stop. You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to sleep, right? Right? Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt. You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email -- about you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently? You get that it works both ways right? > > > Just don't do it again, okay? Ever. > > Not planning on it. Of course, right now I don't have anything to punch with, so moot point. > I meant more the dying thing. If you needed to punch me again -- for some legitimate, non-dying kind of reason -- I could forgive you for that. Okay, some mischievous and evil part of me is now trying to come up with a legitimate reason, just because you offered. The things I do to keep my mind occupied. > > Next time maybe I'll try some photos and maybe some home movies or something. > You did. That video commercial thing that Cordy was trying to make? We watched it, after. I'd forgotten about that. Well no, I remembered making it -- I even tried to use a line from it as proof for Wesley to check with Cordelia that I was really who I am, but I didn't think about there actually being a tape. Though I guess there would've been since she was filming me. So if Wesley had asked you if the rats were still low, you would've gotten it too huh? > It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers to do whatever she wanted with. Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right? > Because, you know, you were more hers than mine. I.. I don't know if that makes me angry or sad. Angel, you and Cordelia were the two most important people in my life when I died. *Both* of you. There was nothing to choose between regarding my feelings for both of you. Neither of you owned any more of my heart than the other. I loved -- love -- both of you. > > You care and do your best to help. That counts for more than you'd think too. > Does it? Yeah. There's not many people out there -- human or otherwise -- who would give up all the things you've given up to help people. > > > > Yeah he mentioned that obliquely. Someone he doesn't think he was supposed to care for. Which probably means he's not letting himself mourn her. > > > I think you're right. > > I usually am. About this kinda stuff anyway. > I'll take your word for it. I've talked to Wesley about it a little. And yeah, he hasn't dealt with his feelings about Lilah. If you and he get talking, that might be something you could help him with. And yeah, I'm aware that I may be asking the blind to lead the visually impaired, but you're good at helping people. And if you help yourself at the same time, that just means I'm damn good. :-) > > > Okay. I don't know what I'll say to him, but... I'll try. > > Just, whatever comes from your heart. > I will. I'll just keep reminding myself that you think it's the right thing to do. That'll make it easier, I think. That's right. Everything's easier if you listen to the disembodied Irish half demon in the computer. ;-) > > > > Maybe a little like early Elvis. Y'know, back when he was hot. > > > Oh God. > > I just called you hot and you're "Oh God"ing me? > Not about that, about the thought that I might look like ANY Elvis. Well I don't think you're accidentally gonna get mobbed by rabid Elvis fans. But you've got the hair and the body and... And my mind wanders off into other territories that would put a smile on my face, if I had a face. > Do you really think that? About the hot thing? Oh yeah. Always have. You can ask Cordelia when she wakes up -- she teased me about it. > > > Oh yeah, she's pretty good at that one, when she sets her mind to it. Luckily, most of the time she just yells. > > Now there's someone who's never had a problem expressing herself. > Guess it's something I should envy, huh. You admire that. That she's so good at telling people how she feels. There were times when I'd wished she hadn't been *quite* so good. My ego took a regular beating from her for a long while there. But yeah, it's something that I think is a good skill to have -- least you always know where you stand with her. But before you start beating up on yourself, you tell people how you feel about them too. You just do it a lot more through actions than words. I got pretty good at deciphering Angel-ese whether spoken or not. > > > I just wish I could have done something sooner. Before, I mean. Before it got this bad. > > We do what we can. No one can do any more than that. > It just never feels like enough. I know it doesn't, Angel. But it's all we can do -- our best. > > Is... You said that he's part of another family, a normal family now. Maybe... do you know the name or anything? Stuff we can track down? Maybe we can find a picture from his new life. Just so you can have one. > NO. I'm not mad. Just, no. This is the only good thing I've ever been able to do for him. I'm not going to take any chances on taking that away. How would getting a photo take away- Okay. It doesn't matter. You don't want me to, I won't. I don't want to make any of this harder for you than it already is. I just.. I wish I could give you something of his to hold onto. > > > It's probably for the best. It would have been hard to explain, if anyone had found it. > > If we get you one, we'll come up with a story to explain it. Could always blame it on me -- some relative or such of mine. On the non-demon side. > No. I don't want to talk about it any more. All right. I'm sorry. > Tell me about him as a baby. So I can at least hold onto those memories for you. > > > He was... really smart. I could tell, even then. And he had this real thing for Cordy -- used to snuggle right up to her. He was even starting to reach for her when he saw her, all excited. His eyes would just light up. And he didn't have much in the way of hair, but what he did have was so soft... > > He sounds like he was really, really great. > He was. He was incredible. He was mine. I.. I really wish I could have met him. > > > Sorry. I can't do this. > > It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming. > There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when I don't want it to. I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to be here if you don't talk about it. I'm here. > > You gave him a second chance. You gave up having him in your life in order to give him a better life. You're a good father. > No, not really. But this was the one good thing I could do for him. I wasn't going to mess it up. Giving up a child to give him a better life has got to be one of the hardest things anybody ever has to do. You put his happiness above having him in your life. His needs above your own. That's the definition of a good father. > > There's a lot more to you than Angelus though. Connor never got to see that when he was growing up though. And from what you've said, I get the feeling that Holtz didn't care. > Angelus slaughtered his family, then turned his daughter and left her there for him to find. So that she could either kill him, or him her. I didn't care which. *I* did that. Holtz had good reason to do what he did. I deserved all of it. If Holtz went after you alone, I may have conceded you have a point. Connor hadn't done a damn thing to him -- and Holtz took and used him for his own goals. Even if you deserved Halt's hatred and vengeance, Connor didn't. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who abuse kids. I would've cheerfully taken Holtz apart limb by limb. Slowly. > > > Guess that could be one of the things bugging Wes. Bad enough for your girlfriend to get killed without her showing up on your doorstep with an offer you can't refuse. > > Yeah, that would really fuck over your heart, poor guy. > Uh-huh. Plus the fact that for a little while he thought Angelus was the one who killed her didn't help. Yeah, could see how that could make things even more difficult considering what was already between you. > > > Um, the W&H deal, I mean. Not... anything else. I don't think, anyway. > > Okay my mind hadn't gone there... until you said this. :-p > Sorry. I was sort of under the impression that your mind lived in the gutter. It does sometimes. Like about certain souled vampires with spiky. hair. > > > > Can you blush? > > > I think so. I can do other things that require, you know, blood moving around. > > We'll have to do some experimenting when I get outta here. And there goes those double entendres again. > Oh. For a minute there I was hoping that one was on purpose. It was. :-) > > > Yeah, you always were kind of expressive like that. Must be weird, the way things are now. > > Yeah a bit. I never really realised how much I talk with my hands and all until I couldn't. > It won't be much longer, I promise. I believe you. :-) > > I know. I'm not worried. If I ever start feeling that way, I just look at your emails. > Yeah, or talk to me. Um, I mean, there's some way to do that live, sort of. I've gotta check with somebody who knows more about computers than me, though, to figure it out. I'll let you know. That would be great -- not that I don't appreciate the conversation we're having this way, but it would be nice to have one in real time. :-) > > > > You don't like little emoticon Angel? @:-[ > > > Really, no. Every time I see it I think "You ain't nothing but a hound dog." > > Back to the drawing board then. > It's okay, Doyle. Don't worry about it. What about this one? } :-[ > > > I think so. Not like I've been measuring everyone else's to see how mine compares. Huh. Guess that would be one of those things that sounded less dirty in my head. > > :-) Least it's not just me whose words are going there. So I'll look for the office that's big and has the shades shut. Unless you've opened them up...? > Not yet. I think I may have found your office, but no one was there at the time. Found Wesley's office -- did you realise that he's sporting a hairstyle not totally unlike yours? > But what you have to decide is if it's worth losing the friendship you and Wesley had just not to be at risk of getting hurt again? > > > I guess the answer is: I don't know. It's hard. On the other hand, at this point I don't have a lot left to lose. Unless he's saying bad things about me to you, behind my back. > > He's just saying things that makes me think he misses the friendship you used to have as much as you do, and has about as much idea about how to get it back as you do too. Lucky you two have me, huh? > Very lucky. More than I can say. :-) Talk to him. You and Wesley can't fix anything if you don't talk. > > > Would have been nice for me, I guess. On the other hand, probably better for you that you weren't. I don't think I was a real barrel of laughs. Probably drove Cordy nuts. > > I don't need you to be a barrel of laughs. And I still wish I'd been there. > Thanks. I wish you had been too. Maybe if you had, things would have worked out different. Maybe. I'm sorry I wasn't. But I'm here now. > > > I mean, I feel bad about doing that to him. I do. > > Tell him that? > Yeah, I will. He's mentioned that incident -- talked about pillows. So hearing you regret doing it will be a big step forward, I think. > > You're doing it, Angel. You're talking to me. Keeping me in touch, keeping me occupied so I can't think about... well things I'm not thinking about for my sanity's sake. > Things that if you talked about them, maybe you wouldn't have to worry about your sanity? Because I'm right here, ready to listen to anything. Anything that's worrying you. And we're going to get you out of there really soon. It's not going to be a lot longer, and I'll be waiting right here when you get out. Does any of that help at all? It does. A lot. Really. > > No! No, it's okay. I like the conversation. I like thinking I'm able to help, make a difference somehow. Affect reality. > Well, you affect me. And it helps, a lot, to have someone to talk to. You're making a difference for me. I'm glad. > > Makes it easier to believe I'm really real. > You ARE. You're real, Doyle. I'm talking to you and you're talking to me and this is real. I promise. I think I may have read too many science fiction stories. Part of me keeps wondering if I'm real or just a construct someone's created based on my brain patterns and memories. That I *think* I'm Doyle but I'm really just a bunch of computer chips and wires, and that's all I'll ever be. > > > > Again with the wanting a moment with Holtz to express myself here. > > > There are times when I wish I HAD been the one who killed him. > > I would've helped. > I probably wouldn't have let you. But it means a lot to know you would have been willing. Anyone who uses a child like that deserves to die. > > There's a slight problem with getting him to apologise to you, y'know. He doesn't remember what happened. And what he does remember, he's been bespelled not to think about. > I know. Kinda lost my chance on that one, didn't I. But you're still right, and I'm going to talk to him. Good. And if it helps, from the little I've talked to him and got to know him, if Wesley did remember he would be sorry about what happened. > > > I found it hard to believe too. But then, with what she went through with the visions, it seemed like she deserved to get away from it all, you know? > > Yeah. God, I never meant to give those damn things to her. > I never thought that you did. Thanks. I think I needed to hear that. > > > It doesn't matter now. It's done. > > It matters. He's still your son, even if the world doesn't remember that. And you're still doing what's best for him. > I guess I should feel better that I was able to do that one thing. It hurts, I know. You're allowed to feel that. You're allowed to still think of Connor as yours too. You just gave him up to make sure he had a better chance at life than you could give him because of circumstances out of your control. But he's still your son. > > > There really wasn't anyone. Wes and I were... barely talking, and Gunn and Fred were all wrapped up in their own stuff. Plus the Beast was a bigger threat. More important than worrying about how I felt. > > Again, I keep finding myself wishing I was there, if for nothing else so that I could be there for you. > Part of me's glad you weren't. Glad you didn't have to see me go through all of that. Since you probably would've wiped my memory too if I'd been here and had no one to talk to, maybe it's for the best that I wasn't. But I still wish I was. > > > It seems really wrong somehow that I loved them, but when I saw them together like that, part of me wanted to kill them both. > > No it doesn't. It seems human. > I'm not human, Doyle. Neither am I. But we've still got human emotions no matter what we eat or what face comes out when we sneeze. > > I'm not sure if there's still a place for me. When I get outta here. > There is. It's right here with me. It doesn't matter if you want... that... with me or not, you'll always have a place here. You know how Cordy's gonna feel to have you back? She's gonna get that huge smile on her face, the one that lights up a room. Thanks. And I do want... that. With you. You really think I'll get that kind of smile from Cordelia? Yeah, maybe I will. But there's also going to be a lot of yelling about my dying and giving her the visions I'm sure too. Err.. you'll let me hide behind you? > And the world hasn't changed that much. Except now we don't have to go next door for decent coffee, it's right in the office. Well, except the office is way bigger than the whole block used to be. Decent coffee? The world really has changed. ;-) > I'm still the same. Pretty much. I recognise the Angel I knew in the Angel I'm talking to now. If anything, you're even more worthy of admiration now. > > > I'm much better at listening than I am at talking. > > Yeah, you are. I remember that. > Talk as much as you want. I'll listen. Thanks. :-) > > Only, gets kinda messy when something, or someone, you've moved on from comes back. > Not for me. Not when it's you. I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another. I first read that as "we could move in together." Move on, move in, both sound good. > > > I really hope you're right. But if at any point you do, I'll understand. I won't be mad at you if you decide it's all too much. > > Not going to happen, Angel. > Good. I don't want to lose you again. I'm not going anywhere. 'Cept, hopefully outta this machine. > > > You okay in there? I mean really? > > I'm hanging on, really. I... There's some moments of panic -- wondering if I'm really here or if it's all some illusion or dream. If I'm really talking to you, if you're really telling me the things that you are... Okay, maybe I'm not doing perfect. Not having a body... I keep wondering what happens if there's a power failure or if the system overloads or crashes or accidentally gets wiped or something... > We've got a generator, it's been on stand-by since you showed up. Well, actually, it's a system of generators, something about having a back-up for the back-up. And they say there's never been a computer crash here since the company started -- some kind of spell, I think, though I never asked for the details because, well, they wouldn't make much sense to me anyway. You're okay. You're safe in there, until we can get you out. Thanks. Knowing that helps. > > > Would you tell me if you weren't? > > I guess yeah, I would. > Good. Not because I want you to be not okay, but because it's better. When you can tell someone that you aren't. Okay. It is. And I will. But, no body aside, some things are better than I'd hoped they could be. > I'm right here, Doyle. That makes me really happy. :-) Doyle Next Part Main Page Send Feedback