All the Wrong Places - Part 12 To: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hello Wesley. > > No problem. Angel's been keeping me company. Don't worry about me, just concentrate on helping Cordelia. > I am. I just didn't want you to feel abandoned. I know what that's like, and it's not a pleasant feeling. I'd like to spare you from it if possible. Thanks. I really appreciate the concern. And I'm sorry you've had to feel like that. > > Me? I miss it sometimes. But fate had other plans for me. > You could go back to it at some point? If you wanted to. Without the visions, you'd be free to pursue whatever career path you chose. Huh. Wow. I don't think it's sunk in that I won't have the visions still when I get outta here. But still... the Alan Francis Doyle who was a teacher was a different man than who I am now. I don't think I can go back. This is my world now, like it or not. > > We're... talking some. About... stuff I'm doing what I can to help. > I'm glad. He called me earlier, actually, and said that he'd like to talk to me at some point. I don't know if I have you to thank (or possibly blame) for that. We're going to try to have a drink this evening, if work schedules allow. Good. Now granted I'm in a rather removed position here but from where I sit both of you could benefit by talking out some of the things bothering you. > > That doesn't seem to be working very well though, does it? Maybe you should try not suppressing and denying, see if that helps more. > Maybe. Not easy, I know. But it could end up with you feeling better ultimately. > > Tell me about her? > Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the fact that her goals came first. So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you couldn't go past. Did you go past those boundaries anyway? > Don't worry about that -- a memo went out shortly after you appeared, warning people that their might be some small glitches but that it was part of a system update, and not to worry about them. Everyone was told to report more serious issues to me, and I haven't heard anything, so I suspect whatever you've been doing so far has gone relatively unnoticed. No one will tamper with anything without my express approval. So feel free to experiment a bit, if you like. It's perfectly safe, as long as you're aware of what you're doing. Thanks. It's a bit of a relief to know that. :-) > You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files. I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage in here like that. > > > No, I didn't say that. It's more that I suspect that he might also be practising some sort of denial. Not wanting to admit that he's not as over the past as he claims to be. > > I don't think I'll be breaking any confidences if I tell you that you're not totally wrong about that. But he wants to want to, if that helps. > Thank you. It does help to know that. He can be hard to read at times for me, at least and it's good to have my suspicions verified. Angel doesn't share easily. It's not that he doesn't want to, he just finds it really hard. But he's trying. Ya gotta give the boy points for that. And try to focus on the bit where I said he wants to be able to deal with all this instead of the bit where he hasn't been able to manage that yet. > I'll admit that a fair amount of brooding has gone on, yes. It's difficult because I can see things from his point of view so clearly can understand why he did what he did, and can't quite blame him for it. It makes it hard to know if I should be righteously indignant or suicidally depressed. You've a right to feel what you feel, Wesley. There's no right or wrong -- whatever you feel is right. But the fact that you can see Angel's point of view, see why he's feeling what he's feeling, that's good. That means you understand what he's going through. I know he's trying to see what you're going through too. It's a place to start. > > Maybe. Do you want to be friends with Angel again? The way you were before all the badness happened? > A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.' What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant. Answer the question anyway. Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy. > When I was in hospital after having my throat cut, he tried to smother me with a pillow. Ah. Yeah, Angel mentioned that there was an... incident. > Seeing that written out in words is... more disturbing than I'd like to admit. I can imagine. It's disturbing to think about from where I am -- either Angel doing it, or you being subjected to it. But you're in the middle of it. And writing things down makes them more real. I know it's hard, but do you think maybe you should talk to Angel about what happened? > > Finding out I was half demon was like finding out I had a genetic disease. Sucks for me and the chance that I could pass it on to any kids I had? Wasn't one I was willing to take. > It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is a guarantee. Well yeah. > I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that. Can you? Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point. > > > Again, if any of my questions are too prying, feel free to tell me so. > > I will. They haven't been yet. > Perhaps I'm not asking the right questions. (In case there's any doubt, that was another attempt to be humourous.) Caught it. :-) > > > > Yeah definitely sounds like you're giving Angel competition in the brooding department here. > > > I hadn't thought of it in quite those terms, but you may be right. > > Take it from the unbiased incorporeal consciousness in the computer system: you are. > You're more unbiased than I, that's certain. So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings, date? None of those sound particularly appealing. My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the things that you're brooding over. > > When we get her back, you can ask her. It's Cordelia, you know she'll tell you the truth. > That's true. She might be a bit blunt about it, but you'll get an answer. > > Once you know, you can fix things. > If that's possible. It is. > Yeah. Highlights exactly what kind of man Angel is, deny it as he might. > > > I've never had any doubts. > > Tell him that? > I... I'll try. Thanks. > > > There was a prophecy that said that a vampire with a soul would receive a reward, become human and live again. > > Oh. Wow. It hasn't come up in conversation with us yet. > I think he's tried to put it from his mind. For all he knows it could be very far in the future, and he might prefer not to dwell on it on a daily basis. That sounds like Angel all right. He hates to hope for anything good for himself. > > > Perhaps that was Angel's opportunity, and he gave it back. I wonder if he's thought of that. > > No, I don't think so. That is was the prophecy, I mean. If it was, the Oracles would never have turned time back. In a quite literal way it never happened so it couldn't be the fulfillment of the prophecy. > That's one way to look at it. I made at least one serious error when originally translating the prophecy, so it's more than likely that I made more and haven't yet realized it. Or it could just be that the time for the prophecy hasn't come yet. > > > It wasn't obvious that she wasn't, surprisingly enough. > > Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies. > I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels. Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like to think about what Cordelia must've been feeling. > > > I'm saying that I think the days for Cabbage Patch dolls or similar spin-offs has come and gone. > > Kids don't play with dolls and stuffed animals anymore? > I'm sure they do, I just think that the merchandising craze has passed. Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of. I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help than I. Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a cabbage or something. > > > I rather think I lost the ability to differentiate between the two for a time, and I'm not sure it's returned yet. > > Well we'll go out and I'll show you the difference. ;-) Err just ignore me if I start calling anyone 'my little BamBam'. > Will that be the point at which I know you've slipped into the bottle and are pickling your brain? I won't be feeling any pain at least. > > I... Thank you. I like you too. Both from our interaction and what you're doing for me, and from what Angel's told me about you. > What... I'm very surprised that Angel would have anything positive to say about me. He does. Quite a bit. Try to remember that when you talk. > > > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do. > > What incidents? > The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared for, I suppose. Is this one of those questions you don't want to answer? > > > > I'm glad. I get the feeling you don't laugh enough. > > > The last time I can remember laughing, it was rather hysterical. Er, in the emotionally negative sort of way. > > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be. > No. Rather desperate actually. You still in that place? > > But Angel said it looked like Elvis. Which led into a discussion about whether Elvis could be a vampire... As you can see we've been discussing many weighty issues. > Good to know that you're working toward improving the world in such important ways. Keeping the world safe from overweight rockstar vampires. It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it. > > > Any suggestions on how to do that? Other than drinking oneself into a stupor so that one gets past the point of being able to feel guilty, I mean. > > Talk to him? > Well, yes. I hope. I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head insisting that this can't go well. That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle. Tell that voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of elderberries. You're both going in wanting to get past this thing that's lying between you. Keep that in your mind -- Angel wants this to work as much as you do. > > > > Probably, but also appropriate in a weird this-is-how-my-life-goes sorta way. > > > I'm sure. It's all been rather dramatic, hasn't it? > > Yeah, I'm sure my autobiography will be a bestseller. > I wonder if you could start writing it while you're in there. It would give you something to do in the moments that you aren't talking to me or Angel, or exploring the wonders of the computer system. Maybe. If I'm in here long enough. Right now I'm having fun exploring the building via the security system. Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-) > It's interesting, isn't it, how the world seems to have certain paths set out for some people? Paths that never seem to include any sort of stopping or relaxing or enjoying. Just moving forward in a line, with no end in sight. When that happens, ya gotta take the relaxing and enjoying when you can. When you've been put on that kind of Path it's even more important to remember what you're fighting for. > > I found it! At least I think so are you a tall, thin man with dark hair styled not totally unlike Angel's in need of a shave? > Er, yes, that would be me. My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do something to remedy it. It's not completely like his. His is a bit more... what's the word I'm looking for? But it suits you. Really. > > > Cordelia's on premises, yes. There's a small medical facility on the second floor, behind a locked wing. Her room number is 203. She wouldn't be accessible to you through the normal feed system I think you'd need to access the wing's private system first. > > I'll go take a look, see if I can find that. After I look in on Angel. > Let me know if you find him. I have. He looks the same. He's set up some kind of chat -- or had it set up, at least -- so we've even talked in real time. It was nice. > Sometimes I want to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand I know that they can't, not for me. But for some people Cordelia, you hopefully, they will. Why can't they go back for you? I mean, yeah, experiences change us, but the feelings, the friends, that doesn't have to. > > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that. > What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there? Angel. > > Excellent! I look forward to having her tell me off for dying and leaving her the visions. > It's looking very promising so far. There isn't any reason not to think that we won't be able to do the spell tomorrow night. As soon as she's able, I'm sure Cordelia will be talking to you, even if it's only through Angel doing the typing for her. Yeah, she was never that much of a wiz with a keyboard. But I'll take slow conversation with her over no conversation any day. > > > How are you holding up? > > I'm okay, more or less. There's been a few minutes here and there where it's been more less than more, but Angel's been there to talk me through. > I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen. Thank you. Angel and I, yeah we have some history. But I appreciate what you've been doing for me and the conversation we've been sharing. I consider you a friend now, too, even if we haven't actually met in the flesh yet.. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. It was really good to talk to you before. Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of... said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy, but still. We're gonna try. > > Oh come on, don't tell me about poltergeists. I feel bad enough about Dennis. Don't know who's staying in that apartment now. Gunn and Fred couldn't keep paying the rent there after Cordy disappeared, and we had to empty it out. > But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the apartment back? Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there for Cordelia when she wakes up. Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy. Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be. > > Her hair's short now. She cut it, couple of years ago. It looks cute. > Is it? Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's hairstyles. You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough. > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped? Uh-huh. > > > You never looked at yourself on cameras or in photos or anything? > > Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it. > Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something? I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection. And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply. > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it. > That I was important? Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly. > > Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it, but... it was worth it. > Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes? He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get things better between me and her by buying her off. > > Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as hell don't like the idea of you being there. > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much. I get that. I've got stuff like that too. If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd help. > > > Bite me. > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that. > Depends on the context, I think. Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right? > If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it. It's my call. Not yours. > > Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it was okay. > If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than okay. I highly encourage it. There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body. And I mean EVERY inch. > > Okay. Okay, it's just... When Cordy told me and I know, it might not really have been her then, it's so hard to know when she told me that actually SEEING the stuff I'd done as Angelus meant she couldn't be with me... it just about killed me. I don't want to go through that again. > Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent me that first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got *every* atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example. I've *seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions. I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean, I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of, um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff. > Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed when she said that? Yeah? I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that she'll be able to tell us for sure. > > I get sleep. Just not enough, probably. Spend too much time thinking, I can't get quiet enough to really sleep. Everything's loud in my head. Sometimes I just want it to stop. > You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to sleep, right? Right? Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt. You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently? You get that it works both ways right? I know. And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get better with Wes. But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah. > > It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers to do whatever she wanted with. > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right? But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was. > > > It's all right. Don't force it. Just whenever it feels like coming. > > There's no middle ground. It's either forced, or it all comes out when I don't want it to. > I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to be here if you don't talk about it. I'm here. You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there. > > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another. > I first read that as "we could move in together." That'd be okay too, if you wanted to. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep. I kind of think I might be able to tonight. But I'll check in as soon as I can. - Angel __________ To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. I want to thank you for encouraging Angel and I to talk last night. It was extremely awkward, and rather fraught with misunderstanding, but after a time we managed to find some common ground. > > Lilah was... well, not unlike Cordelia in some ways. Spirited, full of life, not inclined to hold back her thoughts. But different as well, in that she did her best to keep her true feelings hidden most of the time. She was passionate and completely infuriating at times, but she never tried to hide who she was. She was very straightforward about the fact that her goals came first. > So it was a very intense relationship but with definite boundaries you couldn't go past. Did you go past those boundaries anyway? Unfortunately, yes. I fell in love with her, on some level at least. I didn't intend to -- never thought it possible actually, which may be why it happened, as I wasn't guarding against it. So in the end it was my own fault that things turned out the way they did. Which she hasn't failed to remind me of. > > You wouldn't, for example, want to start erasing files. > I don't think I know how but even if did I wouldn't start doing damage in here like that. No, I didn't mean to imply that you would. I was more concerned that you might inadvertently cut off one of the pathways through which you seem to be... conversing. > > A more pertinent question might be 'Do I believe it's possible to be friends the way we were?', and the answer is 'I don't think so.' What I might or might not like isn't particularly relevant. > Answer the question anyway. Humour the disembodied formerly dead guy. The answer is yes, and I told him so. Thank you. > > It's genetic material. Passing it on to any children you might have is a guarantee. > Well yeah. > > I suppose it's more a matter of whether or not you can accept that. Can you? > Back then? There was no way. Now? Well, it's kinda a moot point. Not at all. There's no reason to think that after you're out of there you won't be able to father children, if you care to. > > So, how do I stop? Throw myself back into life, go out in the evenings, date? None of those sound particularly appealing. > My suggestion probably won't sound appealing either: Deal with the things that you're brooding over. It's so much simpler to be miserable. There, see? My sense of humor is improving by the minute. > > > Possessions are just... yuck. Give me the willies. > > I can understand that. When we finally realized that she wasn't herself, it was... extremely upsetting, on many levels. > Yeah. I'm trying to not think about it too much. Because I don't like to think about what Cordelia must've been feeling. Perhaps she was fortunate and won't remember any of it. > > Or perhaps I'm more cut off from the current culture than I'm aware of. I'd suggest that you ask Angel, but I doubt he'd be of any more help than I. > Yeah. He probably thinks a Cabbage Patch doll is a doll made from a cabbage or something. When I mentioned it last night, he seemed entirely unaware of its existence. I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or frightened that I'm more in touch with the world than he is. > > > > I suppose it rather harkens back to some incidents in my past, the way many subconscious reactions often do. > > > What incidents? > > The sort that make one feel as if one isn't deserving of being cared for, I suppose. > Is this one of those questions you don't want to answer? Yes. Let's just say that I had an unpleasant childhood and leave it at that. > > > Oh I've been in that place. Not a fun place to be. > > No. Rather desperate actually. > You still in that place? Not at the moment, no. > > I'm actually rather nervous about it. The two of us together, trying to have meaningful conversation... there's a small voice in my head insisting that this can't go well. > That would be the voice to ignore. Throw virtual popcorn at. Heckle. Tell that voice that its mother dresses it funny and its father smells of elderberries. We chose to drink instead, as I thought that throwing livestock in downtown L.A. might attract a bit too much attention. > Maybe. If I'm in here long enough. Right now I'm having fun exploring the building via the security system. Legitimate reason to be a peeping tom. It's kinda fun. :-) Have you seen anything interesting? You've piqued my curiosity. > > My hair is like Angel's? I'm not sure that's something I particularly wanted to hear. Nor is it something that I'd realized. I'll have to do something to remedy it. > It's not completely like his. His is a bit more... what's the word I'm looking for? Insane? > But it suits you. Really. That doesn't reassure me at all. > He's set up some kind of chat -- or had it set up, at least -- so we've even talked in real time. It was nice. Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted that last night. I hope I didn't come in at a bad time. > > Sometimes I want to pretend, if only briefly, that things can go back to being the way they once were. Don't misunderstand I know that they can't, not for me. But for some people Cordelia, you hopefully, they will. > Why can't they go back for you? I mean, yeah, experiences change us, but the feelings, the friends, that doesn't have to. Currently, I'm focusing on making certain that tonight's spell goes off without a hitch. I will admit that I'm feeling more hopeful about the future than I was before last night. But I have to focus my concentration on this evening at the moment. I can't take a chance on getting this wrong. > > > It's hope. Can do great things with a little of that. > > What are you hoping for, other than getting out of there? > Angel. Oh. I... hadn't realized. > > I'm here as well, if it's any consolation. I know you and Angel must have been... close, before, so I'm sure it's easier to talk to him. But if you need a second ear at any point, I'm more than willing to listen. > Thank you. Angel and I, yeah we have some history. But I appreciate what you've been doing for me and the conversation we've been sharing. I consider you a friend now, too, even if we haven't actually met in the flesh yet.. I appreciate you saying so. I feel the same way. - Wesley __________ To: Angel From: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOH Hi Angel. :-) > It was really good to talk to you before. It was. Really, really good. > Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of... said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy, but still. We're gonna try. I'm very glad to hear that. I'm always proud of you when you try reaching out and connecting. :-) > > But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the apartment back? Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there for Cordelia when she wakes up. > Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy. Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be. Well stop that. I'm sure I can give you other things to keep your mind on. But yeah, get the apartment back if you can. > > Y'know I'm trying to picture how she'd look with short hair and I'm not having much luck. Guess I don't have much imagination when it comes to women's hairstyles. > You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough. Yeah. Looking forward to it. Been picturing her reaction to my showing up hopefully in the flesh. Very entertaining pastime. Cordelia, she's always been so expressive... > > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped? > Uh-huh. Your hair's a habit then. > > > > You never looked at yourself on cameras or in photos or anything? > > > Well yeah, but not a lot. And it always weirded me out. Kinda tried to avoid it. > > Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something? > I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection. And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply. Well, having recently had a viewing of you through a camera, I can assure you that "funny" is not the first description that sprang to mind. Sexy comes to mind. > > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it. > > That I was important? > Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly. Because I helped rescued you? Cordelia and Oz did too. > > > Oh, she liked them all right. She screamed and hugged me and did this whole dance thing... it was kinda cool. Wes was mad at me about it, but... it was worth it. > > Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes? > He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get things better between me and her by buying her off. Well if it works... Cordelia would've seen it as you really trying to make up. And that would have been enough for her to open the door to you. But... maybe Wesley was mad because you didn't seem to be trying as hard to make up with him? > > > Hey, I've been there. More than once. And no, you're right, I sure as hell don't like the idea of you being there. > > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much. > I get that. I've got stuff like that too. If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd help. It's in the past now. Things have changed a lot since then and not just because I'm in a computer right now. > > > > Bite me. > > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that. > > Depends on the context, I think. > Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right? Depends on what you have in mind. > > If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it. > It's my call. Not yours. Pushy much? I can wait, Angel. Really. Cordelia is more important. > > > Plenty of other things we could talk about. If, you know, I thought it was okay. > > If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than okay. I highly encourage it. > There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body. And I mean EVERY inch. You're really a very oral kinda guy, aren't ya? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. > > Okay, you get that "visions" mean "seeing" right? When the Powers sent me that first vision about you, it was pretty complete. I don't know if I got *every* atrocity you were involved with as Angelus but I got a goodly example. I've *seen* it, Angel, complete with the vision surround sound and emotions. > I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean, I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of, um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff. Angel, I saw all this before I ever met you. That's *why* we meant the Powers sent me to you. I came into this with my eyes wide open about your past. It doesn't make me feel different because I've always known. And I'm still here, aren't I? > > Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed when she said that? > Yeah? I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that she'll be able to tell us for sure. Seems to me, the way things went down, that her being possessed from when she came back makes the most sense. I can't see Cordelia in her right mind doing that with Connor. She wouldn't hurt you like that. She wouldn't hurt Connor like that. > > You're just talking about it stopping long enough for you to get to sleep, right? Right? Because otherwise I'm going to have to kick your butt. You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently? You get that it works both ways right? > I know. And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get better with Wes. But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah. Next time you wish, I wanna hear about it from you. I'll sit on you until the desire passes. > > > It was hard, but we both sat there together and watched it all the way through. And when it was over, Cordy took it home with her and I never saw it again. And I didn't want to ask, you know? Because it was hers to do whatever she wanted with. > > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right? > But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was. I wonder if she still has it. > > I'm here to listen whenever you need to let it out. I'm still going to be here if you don't talk about it. I'm here. > You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there. Good. I'm not going anywhere. > > > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another. > > I first read that as "we could move in together." > That'd be okay too, if you wanted to. Well, considering my apartment is probably long gone along with the rest of my stuff, I might not have a choice, least at first. Shame that. Forced on your hospitality. ;) > I'm gonna go try to get some sleep. I kind of think I might be able to tonight. But I'll check in as soon as I can. Good. Even vampires need their rest. Sweet dreams. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. I actually got some sleep I think. Not a lot, but some. It feels different. > > It was really good to talk to you before. > It was. Really, really good. Yeah. And the other thing, too. That was good. > > Things with me and Wes went... okay. Maybe better than okay, but I think I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I apologized, and we sort of... said that we were going to be friends again. I know it's not that easy, but still. We're gonna try. > I'm very glad to hear that. I'm always proud of you when you try reaching out and connecting. :-) Thanks. For talking me into it. It was the right thing to do. I mean, until you said something I didn't realize that things have been as bad for him as they have. > > > But couldn't you now, with the formerly evil lawfirm and all, get the apartment back? Dennis I'm sure would be glad to see some familiar faces, and it would be there for Cordelia when she wakes up. > > Yeah, you're right. I hadn't even thought about it -- been too busy. Maybe that's not totally true. 'Been too busy wallowing' might be. > Well stop that. I'm sure I can give you other things to keep your mind on. That'd be nice. Really nice. > But yeah, get the apartment back if you can. I've got someone on it now. Shouldn't be a problem. > > You'll be able to see for yourself soon enough. > Yeah. Looking forward to it. Been picturing her reaction to my showing up hopefully in the flesh. Very entertaining pastime. Cordelia, she's always been so expressive... Uh-huh. Sorry. I don't really know what to say. > > > So, basically, you use the gel stuff because you started sticking stuff in your hair back in the 50s and you just never stopped? > > Uh-huh. > Your hair's a habit then. I guess. Are you saying it's one that needs to be broken? Because if you have any suggestions about what else I could do with it, I'm open to hearing them. > > > Why does it weird you out? You think you look funny or something? > > I'm so used to NOT seeing my reflection. And yeah, actually. I do think I look kind of funny. Funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha, though I guess both apply. > Well, having recently had a viewing of you through a camera, I can assure you that "funny" is not the first description that sprang to mind. Sexy comes to mind. See, when you say stuff like that, I've gotta wonder whether there's something seriously wrong with my eyes. Or yours. > > > > Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you saved my ass with that whole Gem of Amarra thing. I think that's when I realized it. > > > That I was important? > > Yeah. That, and that some of my feelings weren't just... friendly. > Because I helped rescued you? Cordelia and Oz did too. I'm not sure I know what it was. The look in your eyes maybe? And how you let me smash the ring after sunset. You knew that no matter how much I wanted to keep the gem, it wasn't the right thing for me to do. And you let me do what I had to. > > > Why was Wesley mad that you gave Cordelia clothes? > > He thought it was the easy way out, I think. Like I was trying to get things better between me and her by buying her off. > Well if it works... Cordelia would've seen it as you really trying to make up. And that would have been enough for her to open the door to you. Yeah! You get it. I mean, I had to do something. And I'm not good at the talking thing. I had to do something to prove to her that I was sorry. That was the only thing I could think of. > But... maybe Wesley was mad because you didn't seem to be trying as hard to make up with him? Huh. Maybe. He did say something about getting him flowers, I think. I didn't really get it at the time. But yeah, maybe... he acted like things were okay, but I kind of thought it was because he was the one in charge and he had to be like that. You know, kind of an alpha male thing. > > > There's a reason I don't talk about that part of my life very much. > > I get that. I've got stuff like that too. If you ever DO want to talk about it, though, I wouldn't mind. If it'd help. > It's in the past now. Things have changed a lot since then and not just because I'm in a computer right now. Still. If you ever want to. I won't bug you about it again, so just remember, okay? > > > > > Bite me. > > > > Now you REALLY don't want me doing that. > > > Depends on the context, I think. > > Um... is this you being funny? Because you're not serious, right? > Depends on what you have in mind. Well, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to. I mean, not all the time or anything. It's not like I walk around all the time wanting to drink from everybody. But... there's kind of a connection. Between blood and sex. So that's the time I'm most tempted. But I'd NEVER do anything without you saying it was okay. You know that, right? > > > If you've got a way figured out and all, I'm not going to say no. But I don't want time taken from helping Cordelia for it. > > It's my call. Not yours. > Pushy much? I can wait, Angel. Really. Cordelia is more important. I hear you, and I'll take that into consideration. It's still my call. I'm not being pushy, just honest. You're just as important as Cordelia is. > > > If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, it's okay. More than okay. I highly encourage it. > > There's nothing I'd like better than to taste every inch of your body. And I mean EVERY inch. > You're really a very oral kinda guy, aren't ya? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Um, I'm a vampire. Comes with the territory. I think I can say with a fair amount of confidence that you'd like it. I wonder what you sound like when you beg. Can't wait to find out. > > I'm sorry that you had to see that. It doesn't... make you feel different? About me, I mean? Knowing SEEING what I've done. I mean, I know you said it didn't, but... that's a lot of stuff. A lot of, um... sex stuff. BAD sex stuff. > Angel, I saw all this before I ever met you. That's *why* we meant the Powers sent me to you. I came into this with my eyes wide open about your past. It doesn't make me feel different because I've always known. And I'm still here, aren't I? I know. I just hadn't thought about that part of it. The sex stuff with guys, I mean, and what I did to them, and what it might be like for you to see stuff like that. I feel sick thinking about it. I can't imagine why you wouldn't. > > > Besides, if I'm getting the timeline straight here, wasn't Cordelia possessed when she said that? > > Yeah? I don't know. It's hard to know for sure. She might have been possessed when she came back from the Higher Being stint, you know? Or maybe not until after, when the... baby, pregnancy, whatever... started to assert itself. I'm kind of hoping we'll find out when we get her back that she'll be able to tell us for sure. > Seems to me, the way things went down, that her being possessed from when she came back makes the most sense. I know. I guess I just couldn't blame her, if it was really her, for thinking those things. So I don't want to assume that it wasn't her. > I can't see Cordelia in her right mind doing that with Connor. She wouldn't hurt you like that. She wouldn't hurt Connor like that. You're right. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that. You'd think I'd be glad, knowing it wasn't her. > > > You know that little speech you gave me earlier in this email about you being there and to TALK to you if I ever felt like I wanted to... go away permanently? You get that it works both ways right? > > I know. And it's not as bad now. With you. And if things are going to get better with Wes. But yeah, there've been times. I mean, I don't think I'd ever let myself do it. But times when I wished? Yeah. > Next time you wish, I wanna hear about it from you. I'll sit on you until the desire passes. If you're going to sit on me, I think it's safe to say that'll be a fair distraction. > > > Err you do know that copies of tapes are easy to make right? > > But I didn't want to ASK. I didn't know what she'd done with it. I didn't want to hurt her any more than she already was. > I wonder if she still has it. We packed up all the stuff in the apartment, so it's gotta be in one of those boxes, if it's still around. I hadn't even thought about it. They're all at the hotel, collecting dust um, the boxes, I mean so I'll try to go through them soon. Unless this thing tonight works and Cordy's back, in which case I'd probably better let her go through her stuff herself. Anyway, if it'd been me, I can make a pretty good guess about what I would have done. Taken it home, watched it once, then smashed it on the floor. Then hated myself for destroying it. Aren't you glad you hooked up with someone so old and mature? Um, the sarcasm only applies to the mature thing. Since I'm actually old. > > > I'm here. > > You have no idea how much that helps just knowing that you're there. > Good. I'm not going anywhere. Thanks. I might need you to remind me of that every once in a while. > > > > I was kind of hoping we could move on together. You know, one way or another. > > > I first read that as "we could move in together." > > That'd be okay too, if you wanted to. > Well, considering my apartment is probably long gone along with the rest of my stuff, I might not have a choice, least at first. Shame that. Forced on your hospitality. ;) Plenty of room at the hotel, and you can have your own room rooms if you want. Your own space, you know? We'll figure something out. Whatever you want. I'm nervous about tonight. I want Cordy back, but I have no idea how she's going to react. - Angel Next Part Main Page Send Feedback