All the Wrong Places - Part 16 To: Wesley From: Doyle Hi Wesley > > It's all a bit weird, but weirdness has been my life's catchword for years now. > I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the whole thing. I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time. > > > > Cordelia offered me pretty much the most personal gift that it was possible to offer. Couldn't very well refuse it, could I? > > > You certainly could have refused it. > > No, I don't think I could've. > Why not? Because of the visions? I didn't even think of the visions. What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of everyone for her. Especially Angel and you. > > But really, it wasn't much of a choice. This was the only way I could stay and be there for Angel. If I'd chosen otherwise... I don't even want to think about what would've happened to him. > Oh, yes. I understand. He's very lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have him too. > > And you looked like you could use a friend too. > I assure you, I would have been... I... Thank you. I'd like to say that I'd have been fine, that I know that Angel and I would have worked things out between us, but I don't know that that's true. In any case, I'm glad you made the choice that you did. For my sake, as well as his. It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your relationship with life. > Those aren't easy things for me to admit. I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this. Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen. > > Name the night and I'll make sure I'm free. > Perhaps you should give yourself a bit more time to settle in? I suppose I don't feel right taking you away from Angel. Er, not that I could in *that* sense. But the two of you must want to spend a great deal of time together currently, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that. Well tonight's kinda booked, yeah. But other than that... Angel can spare me for a few hours. Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk, but we could do the talk at least. > > Wesley, don't be shouldering any blame for this. It isn't yours to take. You couldn't bring Cordelia back -- her place isn't here any more. And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten this chance if you hadn't done what you did? So thank you for that. > You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this incredible adjustment. Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that. It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley. > > I enclosed at the end all the information I had about where she was last living, and working. You might have better luck tracing her through her work -- I don't know if Harry would've stayed in LA after... Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her. > No, I'm certain you're not. I know what it did to Angel and to Cordelia -- I'm sure Harry would have been similarly affected. Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know? Until the whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the relationship. > I'll let you know as soon as we find anything. Thanks. > > Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me -- if not more so. > I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping. Need to talk about it? Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. > > I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the whole thing. > I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time. Good idea. > > > > You certainly could have refused it. > > > No, I don't think I could've. > > Why not? Because of the visions? > I didn't even think of the visions. What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of everyone for her. Especially Angel and you. I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in what happened. > > He's very lucky to have you. > I'm lucky to have him too. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and I'm... happy for both of you. How were things last night? > > Thank you. I'd like to say that I'd have been fine, that I know that Angel and I would have worked things out between us, but I don't know that that's true. In any case, I'm glad you made the choice that you did. For my sake, as well as his. > It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your relationship with life. I'm fine. > > Those aren't easy things for me to admit. > I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this. Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen. Thank you. No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you. > > I suppose I don't feel right taking you away from Angel. Er, not that I could in *that* sense. But the two of you must want to spend a great deal of time together currently, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that. > Well tonight's kinda booked, yeah. But other than that... Angel can spare me for a few hours. Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk, but we could do the talk at least. Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much? We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food. > > > And I'm not complaining on my part -- who knows if I would have gotten this chance if you hadn't done what you did? So thank you for that. > > You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this incredible adjustment. > Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that. It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley. Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel needed you. I felt I owed him that much. > > > Or maybe I'm overestimating what my dying would have meant to her. > > No, I'm certain you're not. I know what it did to Angel and to Cordelia -- I'm sure Harry would have been similarly affected. > Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know? Until the whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the relationship. That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did. I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still in California, though a bit north of L.A. Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year. I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could potentially be bad news. > > > Y'sure? Last night was probably just as rough on you as it was on me -- if not more so. > > I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping. > Need to talk about it? No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but otherwise all right. - Wesley __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel > > My point is that you let go of control enough to do what we did. And nothing bad happened. > Oh. Okay, I get that. Just... you know that 'enough' is kind of the key word there, right? That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It doesn't hurt to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit. > > > I just want stuff to be right for you. There's nothing wrong with that. > > Not at the expense of yourself though. > But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means. Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your lover. Ya gotta keep that straight. > > How about we try and work on making us both happy? > I'm a focused kind of guy -- it's hard for me to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. So this might be one of the things I need your help with. Especially since it seems pretty impossible, from where I'm sitting. What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really happy -- not just faking happy. > > > There are some things I need to be in control of. Not really any other options. > > How you deal with me shouldn't be one of those things. I want you to be able to be relaxed and open with me, not worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing. > But I don't want to hurt you. I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us are perfect. And that's okay. Really, Angel, it is. > That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now actually. Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that something's going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already. > > > And believe *me,* if -- and that's a really big if -- you were able to manage something like that, I'd find a way to get you back. > > Yeah, but I used to have green spiky skin. Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar. > Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair. So what would you do? > > > Please tell me that's not the only reason you did. Because that's... I mean, don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you would, that I'd even be a reason to come back, but... I don't want to think that you did it for me. Like it was some kind of sacrifice. > > It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone. > Thanks. Love you too. Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time you say that. > > > A smooth ride'd be good about now. > > We'll see what we can do about that. > Even just, you know, nothing else bad happening for a couple of months would be good. Just long enough to kind of get my balance back. Um, not that I expect you to keep bad stuff from happening. Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I can promise I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen. > > > > More nights like last night would be a good place to start. Only with less clothes on your part. > > > I can do that. > > I'm looking forward to it. :-) > Me too. Maybe I should rip some clothes off you. Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife. Just for the clothes mind you. > > > Not that I wouldn't do that. > > I'll be here when you get back. You can touch me then. > Good, because I really, really want to. Funny how that works because I really, really want you to. > > > Yeah, but high heels look really uncomfortable. > > I never said anything about heels. Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really... Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now. > Yeah. Um, not about the disturbing thing, though I'm sure it is. I mean, they did make her... they DO make YOUR legs look good. Long and curvy. Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the equivalent of a Lamborghini. > > That's what I mean -- haven't been in this body long enough to figure out exactly what is the most comfortable for me. > You've got time. No one says you have to be completely comfortable by Friday, or by next month, or in three months. It'll happen gradually. Guess so. Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole female thing. > > > If there were any things of Cordy's you didn't like, we could play around with them a little. You could put them on and then I could, you know, rip them off you. That could be fun. > > Now you're getting into the spirit of the thing. ;-) > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I could rip it off you. I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours. > > > > The weirdest bit so far has been taking a shower. I felt... kinda like a voyeur or something. Not quite used to thinking of this body as mine yet. > > > I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it feeling like yours, I mean. > > This involving ripping clothes off me? ;-) > Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the clothes were off. And what exactly would that stuff include? Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal. > > Ripping clothes off and now bondage... I can see I have an interesting sex life ahead of me. > Does it? Um, sound interesting? It does. > Is 'interesting' another way of saying maybe you're not so sure you like the idea? No. If I wasn't so sure I liked the idea I would say, "Angel, not so sure I like that idea." > > Which brings up in my mind what you said about Wesley last night -- you asked if making him forget was the right thing. Does that mean you're considering telling him the truth? > Maybe? Fuck. I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down in type? I don't know enough about any of it. Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore. And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe. Yeah he failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you. Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting. > But I can't say there's not this nagging feeling that it's -- the thing about Wes, I mean -- something I need to fix. It might be. > > > Well, it's probably that hopeless romantic thing again, but really I just want to come back to the hotel, walk in the front door, and hold you. For a couple of hours maybe. Just breathe in your scent, feel you warm against me, listen to your heart beating and know you're really there. > > You certainly know how to put a smile on my face. I'd like that a lot. > Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels, you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie. It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in my power for it not to be a lie. I promise. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > Okay, I get that. Just... you know that 'enough' is kind of the key word there, right? > That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It doesn't hurt to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit. And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot. Maybe not enough to make you happy. > > > Not at the expense of yourself though. > > But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means. > Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your lover. Ya gotta keep that straight. Yeah, I know. But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really happy, that's one of them. > > > How about we try and work on making us both happy? > > I'm a focused kind of guy -- it's hard for me to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. So this might be one of the things I need your help with. Especially since it seems pretty impossible, from where I'm sitting. > What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really happy -- not just faking happy. Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy. > > But I don't want to hurt you. > I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us are perfect. And that's okay. Really, Angel, it is. I know. But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make sure I don't. > > That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now actually. > Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that something's going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already. I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen. > > > Purple hair isn't even a blip on my radar. > > Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair. > So what would you do? Huh. See, I was gonna say I'd shave OFF all your hair, but then... Cordy's hair. You know? I think she'd kill me. > > > It wasn't a sacrifice. I love you -- I didn't want you to be alone. > > Thanks. Love you too. > Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time you say that. Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that. I love you. > > Even just, you know, nothing else bad happening for a couple of months would be good. Just long enough to kind of get my balance back. Um, not that I expect you to keep bad stuff from happening. > Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I can promise I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen. Thanks. You know I don't deserve you, right? > Maybe I should rip some clothes off you. Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife. Just for the clothes mind you. Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad. If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you. > > > I never said anything about heels. Though, have to admit they used to make Cordelia's legs look really... Okay, that's a bit disturbing, knowing that they're *my* legs now. > > Yeah. Um, not about the disturbing thing, though I'm sure it is. I mean, they did make her... they DO make YOUR legs look good. Long and curvy. > Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the equivalent of a Lamborghini. Oh yeah. Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in your own body. Um, your original body. You know. > > You've got time. No one says you have to be completely comfortable by Friday, or by next month, or in three months. It'll happen gradually. > Guess so. Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole female thing. Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did. Don't worry, he'll find her. You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her. > > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I could rip it off you. > I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours. Hey! It was just a suggestion. > > > > I'm pretty sure I can help you with that part. Getting used to it feeling like yours, I mean. > > > This involving ripping clothes off me? ;-) > > Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the clothes were off. > And what exactly would that stuff include? Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal. I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together -- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let you see how turned on I get just looking at you. Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how, before I'd do it. I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants. > > Maybe? Fuck. I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down in type? I don't know enough about any of it. > Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore. I know. Thanks. That means a lot. And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it going wrong somehow. > And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe. Yeah he failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you. Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting. Yeah. I know. > > Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels, you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie. > It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in my power for it not to be a lie. I promise. God, I just want to come back there right now. I've got a meeting in like twenty minutes though, and then another one in a couple of hours. You'll be there when I get back though. Right? - Angel __________ To: Wesley From: Doyle Hi Wesley > > > I think we've all had to deal with that, though perhaps not to the extremes that you have. It's good that you're so circumspect about the whole thing. > > I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time. > Good idea. I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some people when I could've. > > > Why not? Because of the visions? > > I didn't even think of the visions. What Cordelia was offering, was asking, was for me to take care of everyone for her. Especially Angel and you. > I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in what happened. You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about hoping he wasn't part of my decision. Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that. > > > He's very lucky to have you. > > I'm lucky to have him too. > I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and I'm... happy for both of you. Thanks. > How were things last night? .... Educational. > > It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your relationship with life. > I'm fine. Are you? Really? > > > Those aren't easy things for me to admit. > > I know. I appreciate that you're willing to talk to me like this. Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen. > Thank you. Hope you take me up on the offer. > No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you. S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use for the dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing. > > Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk, but we could do the talk at least. > Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much? We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food. Yeah. Because he just sits and stares. And tomorrow afternoon sounds great. > > > You're welcome. And you're right, of course, about Cordelia's place being elsewhere. Still, I would have liked to have been able to get you your own body back, rather than have you needing to make this incredible adjustment. > > Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that. It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley. > Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel needed you. I felt I owed him that much. Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul. > > Yeah, I guess. Harry and I, we were really good together, y'know? Until the whole demon thing and then I did a real good job at destroying the relationship. > That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did. Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole. Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia. > I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still in California, though a bit north of L.A. Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year. I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could potentially be bad news. It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted -- we always wanted -- kids. I'm glad. I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm not *in* love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not right for each other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's body now. So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon? > > > I didn't want to let any of you down, and it's unfortunate that I did despite my best efforts. But I'm, as you say, coping. > > Need to talk about it? > No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but otherwise all right. It's not a delusion. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. > > > I had the whole breakdown, crawl into a bottle, self destruct reaction when I found out I was half-demon. Thought I'd try something new this time. > > Good idea. > I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some people when I could've. We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better in the future. And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed for you again. > > I'd hope I didn't factor into the decision. But I won't say that I think Angel couldn't use some looking after. I am aware that all of this has been very hard on him... losing Darla... and my involvement in what happened. > You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about hoping he wasn't part of my decision. Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that. I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit. > > > I'm lucky to have him too. > > I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You're both very fortunate, and I'm... happy for both of you. > Thanks. > > How were things last night? > .... Educational. If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways? > > > It's not just your relationship with Angel I was worried about. It's you, your relationship with life. > > I'm fine. > Are you? Really? Yes. Maybe? I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved. Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and I miss having that with him. I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you. > > > Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen. > > Thank you. > Hope you take me up on the offer. It's mostly that I've no idea what to say. Or how to say it. > > No wonder Angel and Cordelia were so fond of you. Er, *are* so fond of you. > S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use for the dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing. Indeed. > > > Or we could go out for lunch sometime? Not exactly a night of drinks and talk, but we could do the talk at least. > > Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much? We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food. > Yeah. Because he just sits and stares. And tomorrow afternoon sounds great. I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon? What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes. > > > Yeah, and I have an idea now of what you were willing to sacrifice to do that. It wouldn't have been worth it, Wesley. > > Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel needed you. I felt I owed him that much. > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul. Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue. You don't know... > > That makes it sound as if she handled the situation better than you did. > Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole. Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia. I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me. You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings for you when you died. > > I've her contact information here -- address, phone number, email address -- and I'm including it at the end of this email. She's still in California, though a bit north of L.A. Doyle... I don't want you to go into this unprepared. She's gotten remarried. And she and her husband had a baby last year. I hope that doesn't upset you. I'm sorry to have to give you what could potentially be bad news. > It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted -- we always wanted -- kids. I'm glad. I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm not *in* love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not right for each other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's body now. So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon? I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig deeper, if you'd like to know. > > No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but otherwise all right. > It's not a delusion. I truly hope that you're right. Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me? - Wesley __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel > > That's my point. You hold on too tightly to control sometimes. It doesn't hurt to loosen up and let yourself go with the flow a bit. > And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot. Maybe not enough to make you happy. Dammit Angel this isn't about me. It's- You don't like to see me hurt right? I don't like to see you hurting either. Not when I can do something about it. If you let me. > > > > Not at the expense of yourself though. > > > But that's the whole point. That's what atonement means. > > Hate to break it to you man but I'm not your atonement. I'm your lover. Ya gotta keep that straight. > Yeah, I know. But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really happy, that's one of them. Okay, given the perfect happiness clause in your curse, I can see where you'd be a bit jumpy about letting yourself enjoy anything. But really, Angel, given everything that's happened, everything you're carrying, do you really think you have to worry about being *too* happy? > > What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really happy -- not just faking happy. > Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy. Wrong answer. I'm going to get you happy if it kills me. Again. > > > But I don't want to hurt you. > > I know. Doesn't mean it might not happen occasionally. Neither of us are perfect. And that's okay. Really, Angel, it is. > I know. But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make sure I don't. That's fine. Actually I'm all for not getting hurt. Just remember I hurt when you're hurting and we should be fine. > > > That's pretty much the main thing I'm concentrating on right now actually. > > Y'know, if that's all you're thinking about, it's more likely that something's going to slip. Because it's going to be in your brain already. > I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen. Don't stop, just don't let it be the only thing you do. You've been doing a bang-up job of it so far. > > > Oh, I wouldn't give you purple hair. > > So what would you do? > Huh. See, I was gonna say I'd shave OFF all your hair, but then... Cordy's hair. You know? I think she'd kill me. It's nice to have a higher being on my side. :-D > > > Love you too. > > Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time you say that. > Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that. I love you. Now that's one thing I don't mind you saying as often as you want. I love you too. > > Yeah, can't stop bad stuff from happening -- usually at least. But I can promise I'll be here to help you deal with it if it does happen. > Thanks. You know I don't deserve you, right? Tough. You're stuck with me anyway. > > Maybe I should rip some clothes off you. Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife. Just for the clothes mind you. > Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad. Not sure I'm quite up to that kind of game. > If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you. Just can't touch the hair, huh? > > Gotta say, if I had to come back in a woman's body, least I got the equivalent of a Lamborghini. > Oh yeah. Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in your own body. Um, your original body. You know. Yeah, I know. There was this certain time in your office that I got to see exactly how much. Remember? > > Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole female thing. > Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did. Don't worry, he'll find her. He has. She's in northern California. Married with a kid. > You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her. Harry and me, lord knows we've talked through a lot of weird stuff. Well, she talked and I did the equivalent of putting my hands over my ears and yelling "I can't hear you!" real loud. And yeah I still have feelings for her. I love her -- I always will. But I'm not in love with her. That would be you. > > > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I could rip it off you. > > I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours. > Hey! It was just a suggestion. Uh huh. > > > Actually I was more thinking about the kind of stuff I'd do AFTER the clothes were off. > > And what exactly would that stuff include? Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal. > I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together -- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let you see how turned on I get just looking at you. Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how, before I'd do it. I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants. My new body wants the same thing my old body did -- you touching me as much and as intimately as possible. Not that it wouldn't be fun to try. I dunno about the asking, but the thought of you tying me up and doing things that make me... appreciate this body... It's making me wriggle in my seat here. Maybe tonight? > > > I don't know. I guess that's one of those things I'M gonna need to think about. What if telling him, you know, compromised... you know who's safety somehow? I mean, should I even be putting his name in down in type? I don't know enough about any of it. > > Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore. > I know. Thanks. That means a lot. Always will be here for you. > And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it going wrong somehow. I get that. But it's not. > > And Wesley went out of his way before to try and keep Connor safe. Yeah he failed, but I think that hurts him almost as much as it does you. Hurts him enough that even with his memory wiped, he's still hurting. > Yeah. I know. How do you feel about him? Wesley? > > > Does it sound bad if I say that I just want somewhere to be that feels, you know... safe? I want you to put your arms around me and tell me it's gonna stop hurting. Even if it's a lie. > > It is going to stop hurting Angel. And I'm going to do everything in my power for it not to be a lie. I promise. > God, I just want to come back there right now. I've got a meeting in like twenty minutes though, and then another one in a couple of hours. You'll be there when I get back though. Right? I'll be here. And after I hold you for a while you can tie me up, rip all my clothes off and have your wicked way with me. ;-) Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > And that's MY point. I can let go some, just not a lot. Maybe not enough to make you happy. > Dammit Angel this isn't about me. It's- You don't like to see me hurt right? I don't like to see you hurting either. Not when I can do something about it. If you let me. It's not that I don't want to try. Shit, I'd do anything if I thought it would make you happy. I just don't know if I can do this, and I don't want to say okay and then have it turn out I don't have what it takes. I don't want to disappoint you. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm using the wrong words to try to explain. Unless you want to chain me up and make all my decisions for me, I can't just give up control like that. I'm no good at letting other people be in charge. > > But atonement means I don't deserve certain things, and being really happy, that's one of them. > Okay, given the perfect happiness clause in your curse, I can see where you'd be a bit jumpy about letting yourself enjoy anything. But really, Angel, given everything that's happened, everything you're carrying, do you really think you have to worry about being *too* happy? No, but it doesn't matter whether or not I have to worry about it. I'm *not* worried about. It's not going to happen. I'm not saying that I wouldn't let it happen. I'm just saying... I don't think that's the path that's been set out for me. There's stuff I've gotta do, and most of it isn't the kind of thing that ends with, you know, happy feelings. > > > What if I said that I can't be happy unless I know you're happy too? Really happy -- not just faking happy. > > Then I'd say you're with the wrong guy. > Wrong answer. I'm going to get you happy if it kills me. Again. If you ever say that again, I'll... well I don't know what I'll do. Just don't say stuff like that. Please. Okay? I'll try. > > But again, not big on hurting you. Gonna do everything I can to make sure I don't. > That's fine. Actually I'm all for not getting hurt. Just remember I hurt when you're hurting and we should be fine. God, Doyle, I just... I suck at this. Being with me is like a recipe for disaster. > > I don't know what you expect me to say. That I'll just stop worrying about how to take care of you? That's not going to happen. > Don't stop, just don't let it be the only thing you do. You've been doing a bang-up job of it so far. I want you to be happy. No matter what that means. Don't forget that, okay? > > > Always nice to hear that. Have to admit, part of me is still startled every time you say that. > > Does that mean I should be saying it more often? Because I can do that. I love you. > Now that's one thing I don't mind you saying as often as you want. I love you too. Scares the crap out of me. > > You know I don't deserve you, right? > Tough. You're stuck with me anyway. I'm not saying I'm not grateful. > > > Maybe I should rip some clothes off you. Okay, might be a bit more difficult with this body than the one I had before... Might have to tie you up and use something sharp to help. Scissors or a knife. Just for the clothes mind you. > > Don't forget... vampire. Something sharp isn't necessarily bad. > Not sure I'm quite up to that kind of game. Yeah. I'm sorry. I was mostly kidding. > > If you wanted to cut my clothes off or whatever, I'd let you. > Just can't touch the hair, huh? Exactly. > > Oh yeah. Not that I wouldn't have loved you -- wanted you -- just as much in your own body. Um, your original body. You know. > Yeah, I know. There was this certain time in your office that I got to see exactly how much. Remember? I remember. Not the kind of thing I'd forget. > > > Oh did I mention that Wesley is trying to track down Harry for me? Figured after the initial shock, she might be willing to act as my native guide to the whole female thing. > > Yeah. I mean, no, you didn't mention it, but Wes did. Don't worry, he'll find her. > He has. She's in northern California. Married with a kid. Oh, good. I mean... are you okay with that? > > You don't think it'd be... weird? Talking to her about it, when she's your ex and all, I mean. You must still have feelings for her. > Harry and me, lord knows we've talked through a lot of weird stuff. Well, she talked and I did the equivalent of putting my hands over my ears and yelling "I can't hear you!" real loud. And yeah I still have feelings for her. I love her -- I always will. But I'm not in love with her. That would be you. Yeah. I know. > > > > Heck, if we both think it's fun, we could start buying stuff just so I could rip it off you. > > > I'm beginning to think we've discovered a kink of yours. > > Hey! It was just a suggestion. > Uh huh. Bet you've got some kinks of your own. > > > Yes, I am trying to lure you into talking dirty to me in emails. Deal. > > I was thinking I'd like to strip you naked and tie your wrists together -- not too tight, just enough so that you wouldn't forget you were restrained, you know? And then take off all my clothes, real slow, let you see how turned on I get just looking at you. Then I wouldn't touch you until you asked me to. You'd have to be real specific, tell me exactly where you wanted to be touched, and how, before I'd do it. I figure that'd help you get used to your new body and what it wants. > My new body wants the same thing my old body did -- you touching me as much and as intimately as possible. Not that it wouldn't be fun to try. I dunno about the asking, but the thought of you tying me up and doing things that make me... appreciate this body... It's making me wriggle in my seat here. Maybe tonight? Anything you want. Um, other than the me with purple hair thing. > > > Well we've been typing it back and forth for a while now. You told me and nothing happened. Other than you're not in this alone anymore. > > I know. Thanks. That means a lot. > Always will be here for you. You saying stuff like that's the only thing that makes me doubt your common sense. But still... thanks. > > And yeah, you're right about writing his name, probably. Sometimes I get a little fixated. I know I did the right thing, for him, for Connor. I'm so convinced it was the right thing that I worry about it going wrong somehow. > I get that. But it's not. I hope you're right. > How do you feel about him? Wesley? You have a week? God. Mainly guilty. Guilty for, you know, trying to kill him. And still mad about Connor. And then guilty that I'm mad about something that he doesn't even remember. Like, it's not fair to be mad at him for that, when I'm the one who made sure he wasn't going to know it had ever happened. I know he's got some weird twisted-up replacement memories about Darla or something, but I don't even know what they are, and I think... I think he thinks Angelus is the one that killed Lilah. I think Lilah made sure that he'd think that. But he didn't. I didn't. Kill Lilah, I mean. She was already dead when... Fuck. One more meeting today, and then I'm gonna go find something to hit before I come home or I'm not gonna be much fun to be around. > > You'll be there when I get back though. Right? > I'll be here. And after I hold you for a while you can tie me up, rip all my clothes off and have your wicked way with me. I just want to forget, sometimes. You know? I'll see you in a couple of hours, max. - Angel __________ To: Wesley From: Doyle Hi Wesley > > I thought so. The self destruct reaction didn't work so well last time. I was still half demon when all was said and done. Just ended up with migraines with pictures to go along with it. And a boatload of guilt for not helping some people when I could've. > We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better in the future. Good advice. > And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed for you again. Yeah. Things are easier the second time around though. > > You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about hoping he wasn't part of my decision. Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that. > I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit. You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though. > > > How were things last night? > > .... Educational. > If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways? In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body than a male's. > > > I'm fine. > > Are you? Really? > Yes. Maybe? I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved. Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and I miss having that with him. Yeah, I get that. We'll see what we can do to get you two back to being comfortable with each other. > I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you. I'm glad you feel like you can. > > > > Anything you want to say, need to say, I'm here to listen. > > > Thank you. > > Hope you take me up on the offer. > It's mostly that I've no idea what to say. Or how to say it. Just, whatever is in your mind. Whatever words that pop in there. We can sort it out, once it's in the open. > > S'okay. The whole what tense to use with the returned from the dead thing is almost as complicated as the whole what gender specified words to use for the dead guy coming back in a woman's body thing. > Indeed. In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change. > > > Tomorrow afternoon, possibly? If you don't think it would be too much? We could talk over lunch, as you suggested. And speaking as someone who has spent a fair amount of time with Angel, it *is* nice to occasionally have a meal with someone else who actually eats food. > > Yeah. Because he just sits and stares. And tomorrow afternoon sounds great. > I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon? Sounds good. > What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes. It used to. Still trying to work out if my old tastes hold or if I got Cordelia's tastes now. You can help me experiment. > > > Obviously I think otherwise, or I wouldn't have been willing. Angel needed you. I felt I owed him that much. > > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul. > Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue. You don't know... I know more than you might think. > > Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole. Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia. > I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me. I can regale you with the whole sorry tale over lunch tomorrow. > You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings for you when you died. I do miss her. She was... well special. We never really got beyond friends -- we'd just made our first date when I... > > It doesn't. I wanted -- want -- her to be happy. And she always wanted -- we always wanted -- kids. I'm glad. I mean, I'll always love Harry -- she was the first y'know? But I'm not *in* love with her anymore. We've both grown and changed and we're not right for each other anymore. And I'd be saying that even if I wasn't in a woman's body now. So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon? > I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig deeper, if you'd like to know. No, that's okay. Gives me something else I can ask her when I get up the nerve to contact her. > > > No. Honestly, I'm all right. Still living under the possible delusion that Angel and I may be able to mend our broken friendship, but otherwise all right. > > It's not a delusion. > I truly hope that you're right. I am. > Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me? No it wouldn't. Let me gather some data and I'll answer the question for you. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Wesley Hello Doyle. > > We've all done -- or not done -- things that we regret. The only thing we can do is try to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to do better in the future. > Good advice. Yes, I'm rather good at dispensing it, as you can see. Taking it myself is another matter entirely. > > And it's good that you learned to accept yourself for who you are. I suppose there's a bit more of that to do now that things have changed for you again. > Yeah. Things are easier the second time around though. Good. I'm glad you're handling this so well. I don't believe I would be, were I in your shoes. > > > You and Angel are a pair, y'know? He said pretty much the same thing about hoping he wasn't part of my decision. Well both of you were. So you're just gonna have to live with that. > > I suppose Angel and I are more alike than I might care to admit. > You are. You're a little less annoyingly stubborn than him though. Was that a compliment? > > > > How were things last night? > > > .... Educational. > > If it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, educational in what ways? > In how... certain reactions and actions are different in a female body than a male's. *Oh.* I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I certainly don't expect you to share... personal, private things of that nature. I apologize. > > I suppose I'm envious of your relationship with Angel. Er... not of the fact that you and he are... I assume... becoming romantically involved. Just of the fact that things between you seem to be so comfortable, and I miss having that with him. > Yeah, I get that. We'll see what we can do to get you two back to being comfortable with each other. From where I'm standing, your help so far has been instrumental, and I'd be grateful for any further assistance. It's more important to me than I'd like to admit, that Angel and I repair this rift between us. > > I do find myself admitting the most difficult things to you. > I'm glad you feel like you can. You're very easy to talk to. > Just, whatever is in your mind. Whatever words that pop in there. We can sort it out, once it's in the open. I'm tired of feeling guilty and not completely understanding why. Is that open enough for you? > In my head, I'm still "he". Don't know if that's going to change. It doesn't have to. People who care about you will make the effort to understand. > > > And tomorrow afternoon sounds great. > > I could pick you up at the hotel? At noon? > Sounds good. Excellent. > > What do you like to eat? There's an excellent Indian restaurant not far from the Hyperion, if that might suit your tastes. > It used to. Still trying to work out if my old tastes hold or if I got Cordelia's tastes now. You can help me experiment. Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Have you discovered anything so far? Things that you used to like that you no longer seem to care for, that sort of thing? Cordelia liked the biryani, either chicken or vegetable. She wasn't fond of lamb. > > > Maybe you owe him something, but not your soul. > > Yes, well. Clearly we don't see eye to eye on this issue. You don't know... > I know more than you might think. Oh. Angel's been telling you his side of the story, has he? I'd like to think that it didn't differ too much from my version, as I did try to be as fair as possible. > > > Eventually yeah. She was off becoming a demon anthropologist and getting engaged to one (which okay, she broke off when he tried to eat my brain. Long story.) while I was still in the "I'm half-demon, my life is over" mode. Though by the time of the great attempted brain eating, I'd begun to crawl out of that hole. Mostly thanks to Angel and Cordelia. > > I'd like to hear that long story, and anything else you'd like to tell me. > I can regale you with the whole sorry tale over lunch tomorrow. You needn't, if you'd prefer not to. We can talk about anything you like. > > You must miss Cordelia terribly. You and she were... well, I was under the impression that perhaps she had more than just friendly feelings for you when you died. > I do miss her. She was... well special. We never really got beyond friends -- we'd just made our first date when I... I'm sorry. If you want to change the subject at any time, I completely understand. > > > So, do you know? Did she marry a human or a demon? > > I'm afraid I don't know. If you'd like to have more details before contacting her, I can have someone get them for you. At this point only public records have been accessed, but there's no reason not to dig deeper, if you'd like to know. > No, that's okay. Gives me something else I can ask her when I get up the nerve to contact her. You haven't contacted her yet? Not that you should do so until you're ready, of course. It must be rather intimidating. > > Would you feel it was a betrayal of his confidence if I were to ask you to tell me, candidly, how he feels about me? > No it wouldn't. Let me gather some data and I'll answer the question for you. Thank you. It would be reassuring to know, assuming, of course, there's anything reassuring about his feelings. - Wesley Next Part Main Page Send Feedback