All the Wrong Places - Part 20 To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About the memory thing. How are you? - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About the memory thing. We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know. > How are you? Reeling a little. Angry. Horrified. Sad. Sorry. And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to the surface yet. Thank you for wanting me to know. - Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > Doyle says you guys had a nice lunch. He says that he told you. About the memory thing. > We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know. I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody else. Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I get how that worked. > > How are you? > Reeling a little. Angry. Horrified. Sad. Sorry. And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to the surface yet. I get that. And I'm sorry too. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. > Thank you for wanting me to know. You're welcome. So, you... remember all of it? Everything? - Angel __________ To: Doyle From: Harry Hello Francis. > > I'm glad it didn't hurt. After what happened when you died, it wouldn't be fair... > Hey, I'm back. I'm alive again -- that's more than fair I think. Fair would have been it not happening in the first place. > > Don't you think some things should be fair? > Same old Harry. Always wanting the universe to be fair. That's always been one of your most endearing qualities. I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good. > > I'd never mistake you for anyone else. You still sound like you. Write like you. Use the same words. > In some ways, what happened before, when my demon side manifested, it prepared me for this. Well, as much as anyone can be prepared for this. I dealt really badly -- really, really badly -- with that identity crisis; I'm doing better this time. Partially because now I know that it won't change anything important about me that I don't let it change. I'm sorry I let it change so much last time. I don't know if I ever told you that. I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean, but how things went between us. We were both sorry. > > That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that happened? > Have no idea. Magic is so not my bailiwick. Though the eyes being the window to the soul and it being my soul that's in this body... Or it could just be the Powers way of keeping track of who is in what skin, I haven't a clue. Maybe we'll find out. You never know. > > > Thanks, Harry, really. It means a lot to hear that. > > I wasn't saying it to make you smile, but I'm glad it did. It's true. > Always good to know that there's people that care out there. I care. I've always cared about you. > > > Didn't mean I wasn't freaking terrified though. And you're the first one I've admitted that to. > > Anyone would be. It doesn't mean anything that you were. What means something is that you did what you did even though you were scared. There isn't any shame in admitting it. I'm sure Angel and Cordelia wouldn't think any less of you. > Yeah, I know. It's just... it's different talking about it with Angel. Every time it comes up, he gets all glowery and intense and pretty much the conversation devolves into him telling me I'm never to do something like that again. He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die. I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do. It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you were. Are. > > Well you know I didn't go out and deliberately pick someone who was human just for that reason. We met and fell in love. That's all that matters. That's all that mattered to me before. > I know. I just forgot for a bit -- back when I really needed to remember it the most. You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have handled it badly, if it had been me. > > I'm sorry things happened between us the way they did, and it wasn't just you, it was me too. > It was mostly me though. If I'd been faster with coming to terms with what I am -- or was? am -- maybe... As it was I don't think I really did that until right before I died. When Cordelia found out and pretty much made it clear it was a non-issue and asked me to ask her out. I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's important. Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second chance now, though, to be friends. > > You're sweet, but don't worry. > You already had a husband that made you unhappy -- he's not allowed to do that. No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things through. We move on. > > Sometimes it takes someone who's known you for a long time to point out something like that. > Or someone who spent way too much time thinking about children we'd never had. Sorry. That was... I really wanted you to have my children, y'know. Used to think about it a lot after we separated. About what could've been if I hadn't discovered my heritage. I always fancied our daughter -- your daughter -- as a feisty little blonde tomboy. Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle instead of Daddy. Or I guess that's Aunt now. You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be. I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing -- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part of me that wishes. > > Of course it is. Who else would it be for? And before you ask, yes, Thomas knows why, and he agreed with me that you were a good person to name our daughter after. > Okay, getting all gushy now. :-D Good, as long as that's gushy in a good way. > > > Though recent experience... I could probably get behind such a saying myself. > > What do you mean? Are you... but you're a woman now. Are you saying you're having... romantic feelings for a man? Or maybe I'm getting it all wrong. > No, you're not getting it all wrong. And I had romantic feelings for a man - this man - before I ended up in this body. Oh. You mean Angel, don't you? I'm surprised. Not in a bad way. > > Whenever's good for you. Maybe you should give yourself a little time to get more settled, into your own place. I could bring her down to see you, if you wanted me to. > There's some messy things I'm helping mediate right now. That's probably going to be taking up my time for the next few days at least. Maybe next week sometime? Of course. Just let me know. > > > Things on that front are looking quite hopeful. > > Tell me. > I can see where I'm needed here. What I do best -- what I was starting to realise I do best before -- listening and talking, telling people what they need to hear, even if it's not what they want to hear -- it's what's really needed around here. More than that, I'm wanted. Desperately, if that's not stressing the point too much. Being needed and wanted, that's the start of finding a place where you fit. Can't ask for much more. Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a rare trait. I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there. > > He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in your life who understands you. > Angel does. As much as anyone can understand someone else. And... er... he's not just a good friend. Have I mentioned that Angel's originally from Ireland? I remember. And even though I am surprised, I guess I'm also... not. I just hope you're happy. That you're good for each other. That's what matters. > > I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know. > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing? This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it. I'd be glad to take you shopping. Take care of yourself, Francis. I'm thinking about you. - Harry __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > We did. He did. He said... you wanted me to know. > I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody else. I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief. So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence. > Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I get how that worked. I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name, everything started coming back. > > > How are you? > > Reeling a little. Angry. Horrified. Sad. Sorry. And probably some other things as well that haven't quite made it to the surface yet. > I get that. And I'm sorry too. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I know. For Connor you were. Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing. > > Thank you for wanting me to know. > You're welcome. So, you... remember all of it? Everything? I believe so, yes. I remember... what I did. I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much. I'm sorry. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > I did want you to know. Especially when... well, some stuff Doyle said made me think -- made us both think -- that maybe the spell, or whatever it was, didn't take on you the same way it did on everybody else. > I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief. So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence. Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean. > > Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I get how that worked. > I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name, everything started coming back. I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it. > > I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. > I know. For Connor you were. Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing. Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay? > > So, you... remember all of it? Everything? > I believe so, yes. I remember... what I did. I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much. I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back, and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back. And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I didn't know what to do. Or say. But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? - Angel __________ To: Harry From: Doyle Hi Harry > > Hey, I'm back. I'm alive again -- that's more than fair I think. > Fair would have been it not happening in the first place. Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't take it. > > Same old Harry. Always wanting the universe to be fair. That's always been one of your most endearing qualities. > I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good. I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly. > > I'm sorry I let it change so much last time. I don't know if I ever told you that. > I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean, but how things went between us. We were both sorry. Still, I owed you the official apology. > > > That's interesting, that your eyes are the same. I wonder why that happened? > > Have no idea. Magic is so not my bailiwick. Though the eyes being the window to the soul and it being my soul that's in this body... Or it could just be the Powers way of keeping track of who is in what skin, I haven't a clue. > Maybe we'll find out. You never know. Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing. > > Always good to know that there's people that care out there. > I care. I've always cared about you. That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart. > > It's just... it's different talking about it with Angel. Every time it comes up, he gets all glowery and intense and pretty much the conversation devolves into him telling me I'm never to do something like that again. > He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die. Yeah, he would. It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me. I made sure there wasn't. > I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do. It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you were. Are. Aw, you're going to make me blush here. Thanks. > > I know. I just forgot for a bit -- back when I really needed to remember it the most. > You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have handled it badly, if it had been me. You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon thing sent me into. > > As it was I don't think I really did that until right before I died. When Cordelia found out and pretty much made it clear it was a non-issue and asked me to ask her out. > I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's important. Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And took me longer to learn. > Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second chance now, though, to be friends. Yeah, me too. Don't think I'll ever be totally able to stop blaming myself. But I'll do my best. > > You already had a husband that made you unhappy -- he's not allowed to do that. > No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things through. We move on. Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too. If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different body now. > > I really wanted you to have my children, y'know. Used to think about it a lot after we separated. About what could've been if I hadn't discovered my heritage. I always fancied our daughter -- your daughter -- as a feisty little blonde tomboy. Guess I wasn't far off. 'Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle instead of Daddy. Or I guess that's Aunt now. > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be. I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems... > I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be. I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing -- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part of me that wishes. I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on. And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy. > > Okay, getting all gushy now. :-D > Good, as long as that's gushy in a good way. I don't think there's a bad way of getting gushy. > > And I had romantic feelings for a man - this man - before I ended up in this body. > Oh. You mean Angel, don't you? Yeah. > I'm surprised. Not in a bad way. Surprised in a good way? How? > > There's some messy things I'm helping mediate right now. That's probably going to be taking up my time for the next few days at least. Maybe next week sometime? > Of course. Just let me know. Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet so whatever is best for you. > Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a rare trait. I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the visions. But after awhile... > I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there. Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while. With Angel, I mean. And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while. > > > He sounds like a good friend. I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in your life who understands you. > > Angel does. As much as anyone can understand someone else. And... er... he's not just a good friend. Have I mentioned that Angel's originally from Ireland? > I remember. And even though I am surprised, I guess I'm also... not. I just hope you're happy. That you're good for each other. That's what matters. Yeah. We are. We really click in a way I haven't with anyone since you. And thanks. > > > I'm happy to help in any way I can. Just let me know. > > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing? > This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it. Yeah. Probably. One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you thought. > I'd be glad to take you shopping. Take care of yourself, Francis. I'm thinking about you. Ditto. Francis __________ To: Doyle From: Harry Hi Francis. > > Fair would have been it not happening in the first place. > Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't take it. I don't think you should look at it like that. > > I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good. > I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly. Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing something good. > > I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean, but how things went between us. We were both sorry. > Still, I owed you the official apology. Thank you. It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it. > > Maybe we'll find out. You never know. > Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing. What happens now? Do you know? > > I care. I've always cared about you. > That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart. I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met. > > He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die. > Yeah, he would. It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me. I made sure there wasn't. You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel appreciated that, even though he was very upset. > > I agree with him that I don't want you ever doing anything like that again, but I understand why you did it. It was the right thing to do. It just proved to me what I already knew -- what a good person you were. Are. > Aw, you're going to make me blush here. Thanks. You're welcome. It's all true. > > You had a lot to deal with. I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have handled it badly, if it had been me. > You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon thing sent me into. You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own perception of yourself. > > I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's important. > Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And took me longer to learn. But you've learned it now? > > Do me a favor? Stop blaming yourself for what happened. Between us, I mean. We can't turn back time, Francis. I'm glad we're getting a second chance now, though, to be friends. > Yeah, me too. Don't think I'll ever be totally able to stop blaming myself. But I'll do my best. Good. > > No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things through. We move on. > Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too. If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different body now. I'll keep that in mind. > > > Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle instead of Daddy. Or I guess that's Aunt now. > > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be. > I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems... What kind of problems could it cause? > > I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be. I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing -- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part of me that wishes. > I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on. And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy. You can share it, a little bit. If you want to. > > Oh. You mean Angel, don't you? > Yeah. > > I'm surprised. Not in a bad way. > Surprised in a good way? How? Surprised in a... surprised way. You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible? I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you had feelings like that. > Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet so whatever is best for you. Okay. I'll just check my calendar, and I'll let you know. > > Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a rare trait. > I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the visions. But after awhile... It became a habit? Got easier? > > I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there. > Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while. With Angel, I mean. And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while. That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security. Who thrives under it. > > > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing? > > This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it. > Yeah. Probably. One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you thought. I'm not sure that makes me feel better. Is it supposed to? I'm kidding really. Love from Harry __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief. So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence. > Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean. Just... relief. Like things made sense again. Like I wasn't going insane. > > > Which I guess maybe turned out to be true, since he said that you kind of... got everything back, without him having to tell you. Not sure I get how that worked. > > I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name, everything started coming back. > I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it. So am I. I remember how happy you were. Before. Before I... Why don't you hate me? > > For Connor you were. Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing. > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay? All right. Whatever you want. > > I remember... what I did. I... I understand now why you haven't wanted me around very much. I'm sorry. > I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back, and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back. You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I lost him. I failed you both by not keeping him safe. > And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I didn't know what to do. Or say. I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again. And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour. > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? I want that too. And I want to think there is. Wes __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > > I can't speak to that really one way or the other. But... Now that I know, along with all the other emotions I have to admit there's also some relief. So that does tend to lend Doyle's theory credence. > > Relief how? If you don't mind me asking, I mean. > Just... relief. Like things made sense again. Like I wasn't going insane. I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was. > > > I don't know either. All I know is that as soon as Doyle said Connor's name, everything started coming back. > > I'm sorry everything went so wrong. I mean that. I'm not just saying it. > So am I. I remember how happy you were. Before. Before I... Why don't you hate me? Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even though things didn't turn out the way you hoped. What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay? > > > For Connor you were. Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing. > > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay? > All right. Whatever you want. Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking about it. > > I'm sorry too. I didn't... when I tried to kill you, in the hospital, I was just... nuts. There wasn't any part of me that could make sense of what had happened, and I didn't care that you thought there was a reason for you to do what you did. That didn't matter, not then. All I cared about was him being gone, and how I was going to get him back, and what I was going to do if I couldn't get him back. > You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I lost him. I failed you both by not keeping him safe. It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes they turn out better than others. I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. > > And it's not that I haven't wanted you around. Honest. It's just that I didn't know what to do. Or say. > I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again. And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour. Yeah. Guess that's a good sign. > > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? > I want that too. And I want to think there is. So what do we do now? - Angel __________ To: Harry From: Doyle Hi Harry > > Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't take it. > I don't think you should look at it like that. I think I have to. It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them off. And then they ended up dead. > > > I'm definitely too soft-hearted for my own good. > > I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly. > Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing something good. Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right. > > > I don't know if you ever did with words, but I knew. I knew you didn't want things to be the way they were -- not just how you were, I mean, but how things went between us. We were both sorry. > > Still, I owed you the official apology. > Thank you. It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it. Just want us to start off with a clean slate. :-) > > > Maybe we'll find out. You never know. > > Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing. > What happens now? Do you know? Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I haven't had one yet. Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley. > > > I care. I've always cared about you. > > That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart. > I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met. Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you. > > > He felt guilty. He apologized to me for letting you die. > > Yeah, he would. It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me. I made sure there wasn't. > You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel appreciated that, even though he was very upset. I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was. > > You would've handled it better than me I think. My problem was always letting things go. Climbing back out of the hole the entire finding out I was a demon thing sent me into. > You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own perception of yourself. Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner. > > > I'm glad you found friends who accepted you for who you are. That's important. > > Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And took me longer to learn. > But you've learned it now? I think so. Seem to be doing a pretty good job of it lately. > > > No one's perfect. I don't always make Thomas happy, but we talk things through. We move on. > > Good. Just as long as ya do that when he doesn't make you happy too. If not... well I can still kick butt, even if I'm wearing a different body now. > I'll keep that in mind. Please do. Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman? And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime? > Guess I wasn't far off. Cept for the part where I'm going to have to play Uncle instead of Daddy. Or I guess that's Aunt now. > > > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be. > > I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems... > What kind of problems could it cause? Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your ex who is now a woman... You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet) to be a part of your family life. > > > I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're left wishing for things that can't be. I'd be lying if I said that part of me didn't wish for the same thing -- that we could have had a baby together. But since that'd also be wishing Aisling away -- the person she is, I mean -- it's only a part of me that wishes. > > I'm wistful about might-have-beens but I've moved on. And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy. > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to. I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you. > > > Oh. You mean Angel, don't you? > > Yeah. > > > I'm surprised. Not in a bad way. > > Surprised in a good way? How? > Surprised in a... surprised way. You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible? I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you had feelings like that. I'd say I was still a guy but... I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was. I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in love with you. > > Anytime next week should be good. I don't have much of a schedule yet so whatever is best for you. > Okay. I'll just check my calendar, and I'll let you know. I'm looking forward to it. :-) > > > Being honest like that -- telling people what they need to hear -- is a rare trait. > > I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the visions. But after awhile... > It became a habit? Got easier? I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that stuff too. > > > I'm glad you're finding a place for yourself there. > > Thanks. I think it's been my place for a while. With Angel, I mean. And back when I was still alive, I mean, when I say a while. > That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security. Who thrives under it. Yeah, I think I am. Never really felt right after we broke up -- and not just because of being half demon. Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I started to feel like I had a place, an identity again. Security, like you said. > When you come down with Aisling, maybe you can teach me the arcane and mysterious art of shopping for women's clothing? > > > This is going to be stranger than I thought, isn't it. > > Yeah. Probably. One of my new rules to live by -- it's *always* stranger than you thought. > I'm not sure that makes me feel better. Is it supposed to? More prepared for surprises at least. Love, Francis __________ To: Doyle From: Harry Hi Francis. > > > Actually, me having to sacrifice myself to save others from the Scourge was pretty fair. Considering I had a chance to help save others before... and didn't take it. > > I don't think you should look at it like that. > I think I have to. It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them off. And then they ended up dead. But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to handle? You didn't know that was going to happen to them. > > > I can understand the desire though. There are just some things that hurt when they don't play out fairly. > > Yes. Like when someone you care about dies, even if they die doing something good. > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right. I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here. > > > Maybe. Though usually direct conversation with the Powers isn't a good thing. > > What happens now? Do you know? > Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I haven't had one yet. Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley. I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd want to keep an eye on him. Who's Wesley? > > > That goes both ways y'know. You're always going to have a bit of my heart. > > I think that was pretty inevitable, don't you? From the time we met. > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you. You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. > > > It wasn't his fault, not by a long shot. I sucker punched him, knocked him clean off the platform. There was no way he could get back up in time to stop me. I made sure there wasn't. > > You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel appreciated that, even though he was very upset. > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was. That's just a sign of how much he cares about you. > > You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own perception of yourself. > Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner. You did the best you could at the time. > > > Yeah. And letting them accept me for who I was -- that's just as important. And took me longer to learn. > > But you've learned it now? > I think so. Seem to be doing a pretty good job of it lately. Good. > Please do. Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman? And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime? Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about things that he thinks are weird. > > > > You can be a part of this baby's life if you want to be. > > > I'd like that. If it doesn't cause you problems... > > What kind of problems could it cause? > Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your ex who is now a woman... You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet) to be a part of your family life. Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he? I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding. > > > And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy. > > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to. > I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you. Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect. You being back is just the icing on the cake. > > > Surprised in a good way? How? > > Surprised in a... surprised way. You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible? I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you had feelings like that. > I'd say I was still a guy but... I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was. I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you. > I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in love with you. There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone -- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And... you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died? > > > I surprised myself when I started doing it -- first it was because of the visions. But after awhile... > > It became a habit? Got easier? > I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that stuff too. I'm so proud of you. You're really an amazing person. > > > And back when I was still alive I mean when I say a while. > > That's good. I think you're the kind of person who needs that security. Who thrives under it. > Yeah, I think I am. Never really felt right after we broke up -- and not just because of being half demon. Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I started to feel like I had a place, an identity again. Security, like you said. Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard. Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about? Love from Harry __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > Just... relief. Like things made sense again. Like I wasn't going insane. > I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was. Apology accepted. It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now, don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that... > > I remember how happy you were. Before. Before I... Why don't you hate me? > Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even though things didn't turn out the way you hoped. I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you. > What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay? Of course I would have. I'd composed a letter I was going to mail on my way out of town; it was in my SUV when Justine took it, I don't know what happened to it. But it explained everything and that I was going to keep Connor safe until we could work this out. And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past; that the prophecy had been foiled. I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it. I'm sorry. > > > > For Connor you were. Maybe not the only right thing, but definitely a right thing. > > > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay? > > All right. Whatever you want. > Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking about it. It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life, with you. A second chance to be his father. > > You deserved your anger at me. I betrayed you. Not so much by taking Connor because of the prophecy, but because I took him to keep him safe. And then I lost him. I failed you both by not keeping him safe. > It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes they turn out better than others. I... I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment. But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment that let Justine get close enough to... > I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. What do you want? What can I do? > > I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again. And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour. > Yeah. Guess that's a good sign. Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears. > > > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? > > I want that too. And I want to think there is. > So what do we do now? I don't know. More of this? Talking? Wes Next Part Main Page Send Feedback