All the Wrong Places - Part 21 To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > I'm sorry. Sorry that the spell, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm starting to think it's a good thing you know the truth. But I don't like the thought of you thinking something was wrong with you, when it was really something wrong with the spell. Or whatever the hell it was. > Apology accepted. It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now, don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that... Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there. > > > Why don't you hate me? > > Because I know you. I know you meant for stuff to go right. You took a hard situation, one that you couldn't see a way out of, and tried to create a way. For me. For Connor. I can't hate you for that, even though things didn't turn out the way you hoped. > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you. I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand, and I know there was a lot going on. > > What would you have done, if Justine hadn't... I mean, would you have taken him away for good. Would you have let me know he was okay? > Of course I would have. I'd composed a letter I was going to mail on my way out of town; it was in my SUV when Justine took it, I don't know what happened to it. But it explained everything and that I was going to keep Connor safe until we could work this out. And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past; that the prophecy had been foiled. I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it. I'm sorry. I know you are. And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never come back. Thanks. For caring enough to try to protect us. > > > > Okay, I don't think right now I could handle hearing that there were other options that I might not have considered. Don't tell me that. Okay? > > > All right. Whatever you want. > > Okay, I lied. Tell me? Because now I'm driving myself nuts thinking about it. > It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life, with you. A second chance to be his father. Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole situation, in addition to protecting Connor. Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a way to set things straight. > > It was a mistake. Hell, me sleeping with Darla and ending up with Connor in the first place was a mistake. We all make 'em. Sometimes they turn out better than others. > I... I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment. But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment that let Justine get close enough to... I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any other direction than mine. I know why you did it. I forgive you. > > I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. > What do you want? What can I do? What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden* anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too. I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes, maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think straight? > > > I appreciate you not resorting to saying it with pillows again. And apparently I can still manage some gallows humour. > > Yeah. Guess that's a good sign. > Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears. Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um, not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything though. > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? > > > I want that too. And I want to think there is. > > So what do we do now? > I don't know. More of this? Talking? Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that. Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean? - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now, don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that... > Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there. I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor than the mind-wipe. > > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you. > I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand, and I know there was a lot going on. I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot. > > And I would have stayed away only until I knew the danger was past; that the prophecy had been foiled. I was trying to save both of you. Made a right mess of it. I'm sorry. > I know you are. And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never come back. It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe. And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor, or that you would ever want to see me again afterwards. I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him. Or so I thought. > Thanks. For caring enough to try to protect us. The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that. Still will. > > It was just something Doyle said to me at lunch -- that you made a deal to make things right *for* Connor, when you could as easily asked for a chance to make things right *with* Connor. Given him a second chance at a childhood, a life, with you. A second chance to be his father. > Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole situation, in addition to protecting Connor. Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority. > Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a way to set things straight. You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that. That's more than many fathers do. > > I... I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment. But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment that let Justine get close enough to... > I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any other direction than mine. I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself any easier. > I know why you did it. I forgive you. I don't think I can express how much that means. Thank you. > > > I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. > > What do you want? What can I do? > What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden* anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too. Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows. > I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes, maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think straight? I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to. Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best. > > Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears. > Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um, not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything though. Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. > > > > > But like I said the other night -- I want things to be right between us. You think there's any chance? > > > > I want that too. And I want to think there is. > > > So what do we do now? > > I don't know. More of this? Talking? > Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that. It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best. > Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean? Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling. Wes __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > > It's in the past now anyway. We've got more important things to deal with now, don't you think. Even though they're in the past as well, if it comes to that... > > Okay, you've pretty much gone right over my head there. > I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor than the mind-wipe. Oh, okay. Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened with Connor. It's done. > > > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you. > > I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand, and I know there was a lot going on. > I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot. Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you think maybe nothing could. > > I know you are. And it helps, knowing that you weren't just going to take him and never come back. > It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe. And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor, or that you would ever want to see me again afterwards. I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him. Or so I thought. There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to think it wasn't for real. And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him safe. For me, and for him. For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I think I would have understood. Not been mad. > The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that. Still will. I hope not. I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some... whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place, trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any different really. Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing. > > Oh. I don't think that was really an option. I mean, it wasn't so much me making the deal as accepting it. The mind wipe thing was an added bonus, sure, because it let me not have to deal with the whole situation, in addition to protecting Connor. > Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority. You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the deal, do you? > > Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a way to set things straight. > You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that. That's more than many fathers do. I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but maybe I made too many mistakes. Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean? > > > I want to say some mistakes are unforgivable, but in this case it's not my place to say. All I can do is offer myself for your judgment. But I'm not sure I'll every forgive myself for that momentary lapse in judgment that let Justine get close enough to... > > I'm not the poster boy for self-forgiveness, Wes. If you want someone to tell you how to do that, you're better off looking in almost any other direction than mine. > I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself any easier. Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope. If there IS anything I can do, let me know? > > I know why you did it. I forgive you. > I don't think I can express how much that means. Thank you. Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just kind of happened. > > > What do you want? What can I do? > > What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden* anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too. > Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows. Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go. > > I don't think you can do anything. Stick around? Talk to me sometimes, maybe, when things get so loud in my own head that I can't think straight? > I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to. Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best. Thanks. We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again. > > > Sometimes, if we don't laugh, we'll end up in tears. > > Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um, not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything though. > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. Yeah, something like that. You know anyone who might be good for the job? > > > > So what do we do now? > > > I don't know. More of this? Talking? > > Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that. > It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best. Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality of it's gonna hit him. > > Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean? > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling. Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if it's, you know, mad at me. - Angel __________ To: Harry From: Doyle Hi Harry > > It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them off. And then they ended up dead. > But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to handle? I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very first vision I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it happen. So somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault. > You didn't know that was going to happen to them. Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big hint. > > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right. > I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here. I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about. > > Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I haven't had one yet. Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley. > I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd want to keep an eye on him. Yeah. Both eyes even. And other things. Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh? > Who's Wesley? He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a way. > > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you. > You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or my feelings. > > > You're a good friend. You did the right thing. I'm sure part of Angel appreciated that, even though he was very upset. > > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was. > That's just a sign of how much he cares about you. Or how little he cares about himself. > > > You're the kind of person who really takes things to heart. That's not a bad trait -- only when the thing you take to heart is your own perception of yourself. > > Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner. > You did the best you could at the time. Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy. > > Please do. Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman? And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime? > Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about things that he thinks are weird. Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up short. > > > What kind of problems could it cause? > > Well there's the fact that I'm your ex. There's the fact that I'm your ex who is now a woman... You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet) to be a part of your family life. > Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he? I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding. I hope so. Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but... I'm still worried. > > > > And at least one of us got to live out that fantasy. > > > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to. > > I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you. > Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect. You being back is just the icing on the cake. Good. I hope so. > > > You always seemed like... such a guy. Oh God, does that sound horrible? I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I didn't realize that you had feelings like that. > > I'd say I was still a guy but... I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was. > I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you. So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you like a ton of bricks, should it? > > I noticed the occasional other guy, just like I noticed the occasional other girl; never said anything to you because I wasn't in love with them. I was in love with you. > There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone -- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And... you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died? Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come from it. But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that. > > I saw the good it was doing, and started to realise that I didn't need the visions to tell me everything that needed to be said. So I started saying that stuff too. > I'm so proud of you. You're really an amazing person. Thanks :) > > Not until I'd been working with Angel and Cordelia for a bit. Then yeah, I started to feel like I had a place, an identity again. Security, like you said. > Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard. Yeah. I lucked out with them. > Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about? Things with Angel are good. Great. We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word. He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going anywhere. In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk about again. ;-) Love Francis __________ To: Doyle From: Harry Hi Francis. > > > It wasn't fair to those people that they came to me for help and I blew them off. And then they ended up dead. > > But did you really blow them off? Or was it just too much for you to handle? > I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very first vision I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it happen. So somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault. It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy. > > You didn't know that was going to happen to them. > Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big hint. Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.* It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible. I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say. > > > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right. > > I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here. > I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about. Okay. I won't ask. > > > Not yet. Cordelia said something about me still having the visions, but I haven't had one yet. Though I think the main reason she offered me her body was to make sure someone was here to keep an eye on Angel and Wesley. > > I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd want to keep an eye on him. > Yeah. Both eyes even. And other things. Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh? You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing? I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like? > > Who's Wesley? > He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a way. Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I talked. > > > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you. > > You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. > I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or my feelings. I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's voice, and it was kind of weird. > > > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was. > > That's just a sign of how much he cares about you. > Or how little he cares about himself. You'd know more about that than I do. > > > Yeah, well, still think I should've gotten my head out of my ass a lot sooner. > > You did the best you could at the time. > Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy. Stop. That's enough. > > > Err, have you -- you probably haven't had a chance yet, but are you planning on explaining all of this to Thomas? About how your ex is back and he's not a half demon anymore (or I might still be, a little fuzzy on that) but a woman? And is there any way to make that sound less like some kind of weird off kilter movie of the week on Lifetime? > > Oh, I told him all about it. He knows. I guess he thinks it's a little bit weird, but then he's used to listening to me go on and on about things that he thinks are weird. > Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up short. I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes. Well, other than to the person it happens to, obviously. > > > You say Thomas knows all about us -- about me -- but there's a difference in accepting something in someone's past and accepting having the past show up again in a dress (theoretically as I haven't got as far as wearing dresses yet) to be a part of your family life. > > Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he? I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding. > I hope so. Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but... I'm still worried. Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine. > > > > You can share it, a little bit. If you want to. > > > I do. As long as it doesn't make things rocky for you. > > Don't worry about me. Everything in my life's... pretty much perfect. You being back is just the icing on the cake. > Good. I hope so. Thank you. For caring. > > > I still think like a guy though, least I still think like the guy I always was. > > I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you. > So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you like a ton of bricks, should it? I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking like Cordelia. > > There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone -- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And... you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died? > Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come from it. But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that. Oh. Well good. As long as you're happy. That's what matters. > > > Security, like you said. > > Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard. > Yeah. I lucked out with them. You really did. But they lucked out with you too. > > Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about? > Things with Angel are good. Great. We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word. He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going anywhere. In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk about again. ;-) That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks at you and sees Cordelia? Love from Harry __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > I mean it's more important that we deal with what happened with Connor than the mind-wipe. > Oh, okay. Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened with Connor. It's done. We're both still reeling from it though. > > > > I'm sorry I lost him. I should never have let my guard down. It only happened because I was so tired and stressed and trying not to think about how you were going to react when you realised what I had done. The others too, but mostly you. > > > I... I can't tell you it's okay. Because it's not. But I understand, and I know there was a lot going on. > > I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot. > Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you think maybe nothing could. Yes. Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do? > > It was always the plan to give him back, when it was safe. And I fully expected that would be the last I was allowed to see Connor, or that you would ever want to see again me afterwards. I knew what I was doing when I walked out of there with him. Or so I thought. > There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to think it wasn't for real. Thank you for saying that. I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem more real. > And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him safe. For me, and for him. I'm so sorry I failed. > For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I think I would have understood. Not been mad. I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare. > > The world needs you in it. I'd do anything to ensure that. Still will. > I hope not. I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some... whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place, trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any different really. That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same. We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be. I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much of my soul. > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing. Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater scheme. > > Protecting Connor we both agree is the utmost priority. > You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the deal, do you? I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in the first place. You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember. > > > Part of me thinks he was never really mine, and that it was better that way. All I would have done was fuck him up. I'm just lucky there was a way to set things straight. > > You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that. That's more than many fathers do. > I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but maybe I made too many mistakes. I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched and shaped him. > Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean? My father has never told me he loves me. > > I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself any easier. > Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope. I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used to it after a while. > If there IS anything I can do, let me know? I think you're already doing it. > > > I know why you did it. I forgive you. > > I don't think I can express how much that means. Thank you. > Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just kind of happened. That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge. > > > What do I want? Not to feel all of this... I don't know, *burden* anymore. Not to wish I'd had Lilah make me forget him too. > > Forgetting isn't what it's cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows. > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go. It wouldn't have been. > > I'm not going anywhere -- not until you ask me to. Whenever you need to talk, I'm here and I'll do my best. > Thanks. We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again. Neither do I. > > > Exactly. Or doing things like punching holes in walls. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about getting the hotel fixed up some more. Um, not because I might have punched some holes in the walls or anything though. > > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. > Yeah, something like that. I rather had thought so. > You know anyone who might be good for the job? I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division. > > > > I don't know. More of this? Talking? > > > Might as well ask me to go sunbathing. I'd probably be better at that. > > It's not something I consider myself all that adept at either; Doyle seems to have the market cornered on that. But we can only try our best. > Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality of it's gonna hit him. He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right. > > > Does this, you know, help you at all? The talking, I mean? > > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling. > Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if it's, you know, mad at me. I'm not angry at you. Not now. Wes __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened with Connor. It's done. > We're both still reeling from it though. Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help. Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking... Kind of easier not to think about it. > > > I... Thank you. Understanding is... it means a lot. > > Funny how it kind of makes you feel better, even in situations when you think maybe nothing could. > Yes. Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do? I don't know? What don't you understand? IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking Fred. > > There were reasons for you thinking what you did. I mean, not like you pulled that prophecy out of your ass. You didn't have any reason to think it wasn't for real. > Thank you for saying that. I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem more real. I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the point where you were so freaked. I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different. > > And it means a lot that you'd go through stuff like that to keep him safe. For me, and for him. > I'm so sorry I failed. I know you are. > > For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I think I would have understood. Not been mad. > I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare. It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just kind of reacting. I get that. > > I mean, you shouldn't think like that. It's not like I'm some... whatever. Savior. Sure, I'm trying not to make the world a worse place, trying to help people where I can. But so are you. We're not any different really. > That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same. We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be. I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much of my soul. Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later. Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything. And... I'm not a champion. Honest. > > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing. > Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater scheme. Yeah it does. Actually a lot. > > You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the deal, do you? > I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in the first place. You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember. Why? I mean... why would she want that? > > > You love him, Angel. And you showed him, told him that. That's more than many fathers do. > > I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but maybe I made too many mistakes. > I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched and shaped him. There should have been a way to reach him. > > Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean? > My father has never told me he loves me. I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons we're so similar, huh? I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up. > > > I don't think there's anything anyone can say that will make forgiving myself any easier. > > Probably not. You might get there though, eventually. I hope. > I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used to it after a while. Yeah. I know all about that too. Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with? What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to. > > If there IS anything I can do, let me know? > I think you're already doing it. Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling. > > Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just kind of happened. > That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge. Yeah. Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing it, I mean. > > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go. > It wouldn't have been. Maybe not. > > We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again. > Neither do I. Good. So we're a couple of stubborn guys... we can make this work, right? > > > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. > > Yeah, something like that. > I rather had thought so. > > You know anyone who might be good for the job? > I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division. Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel, you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate. Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something. > > Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality of it's gonna hit him. > He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right. You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out? > > > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling. > > Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if it's, you know, mad at me. > I'm not angry at you. Not now. But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it? - Angel __________ To: Harry From: Doyle Hi Harry, > > I don't make excuses for what happened, Harry. Do you know the very first vision I had was of those poor people's death? I got to see and feel it happen. So somebody somewhere obviously thought I was at fault. > It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy. Punishment, discipline, showing me the error of my ways and making sure I change them, whatever you want to call it. Still started with me experiencing the deaths of people I turned away when they asked for help. > > > You didn't know that was going to happen to them. > > Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big hint. > Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.* I didn't want to know. > It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible. Yeah. Wouldn't you? > I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say. There's nothing anyone can say. It is what it is. > > > > Yeah, or when someone has to sacrifice the thing that means the most to them because it's the only way they see to make things right. > > > I have a feeling you're not just talking hypothetically here. > > I'm not. But it's not something I'm free to talk about. > Okay. I won't ask. Thanks. > > > I know she had feelings for you, and after you died it was pretty clear that she had feelings for Angel too. So I'm not surprised that she'd want to keep an eye on him. > > Yeah. Both eyes even. And other things. Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh? > You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing? Cordelia and Angel never had a thing. There was feelings there, but they never acted on them. > I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like? Angel and I started our... thing before I got put in Cordelia's body. I was still in the computer when we started talking and... other things. Least on his end. I was pretty much stuck with just talking. > > > Who's Wesley? > > He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a way. > Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I talked. You and Cordelia talked a lot? > > > > Yeah. God, I fell like a ton of bricks the moment I laid eyes on you. > > > You're making me blush. And then I remember that you look like Cordelia now, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. > > I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or my feelings. > I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's voice, and it was kind of weird. Do me a favour and stop inserting Cordelia into our past? The present and future, fine. But I'd like to think you're remembering me the way I was when we talk about when we were together. > > > > I dunno. To this day he still thinks his life wasn't worth as much as mine was. > > > That's just a sign of how much he cares about you. > > Or how little he cares about himself. > You'd know more about that than I do. Yeah. I'm trying to fix that. > > > You did the best you could at the time. > > Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy. > Stop. That's enough. Just the truth, Harry. > > Okay, now I'm worried about what kind of guy he is. Because even among the people I hang around who are a little weird themselves this pulled them up short. > I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes. There's hearing about things in colourful little anecdotes and having one potentially become part of your extended family. > Well, other than to the person it happens to, obviously. I'm dealing. > > > Thomas is pretty easy going. I mean, he'd have to be, wouldn't he? I'm not worried about it. He's very understanding. > > I hope so. Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but... I'm still worried. > Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine. I'll do my best. Still not going to any belated bachelor parties or anything ;) > > > I know. It doesn't matter who's body you're in -- you're still you. > > So then it shouldn't bother you when I say things like I fell for you like a ton of bricks, should it? > I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking like Cordelia. Don't. Or maybe, do, if it means you won't freak out on me when we talk in person. > > > There isn't anything wrong with noticing that someone -- any someone -- is attractive. I never knew. That you looked at men that way. And... you had feelings like that about Angel too? Before you died? > > Yeah, I did. Not that I ever thought anything was going to ever come from it. But yeah, I watched him, admired... lusted. All of that. > Oh. Well good. As long as you're happy. That's what matters. I am. > > > Everyone needs that, but some people more than others. Especially since you'd just come from a time in your life when things had been so hard. > > Yeah. I lucked out with them. > You really did. But they lucked out with you too. Thanks. > > > Tell me how things are with Angel. What kinds of things do you talk about? > > Things with Angel are good. Great. We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word. He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going anywhere. In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk about again. ;-) > That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks at you and sees Cordelia? No. At least, not in the way you mean. Once when he was more asleep than awake he called me Cordelia -- and then spent the rest of the day apologising. But I don't feel like a substitute. Francis __________ To: Doyle From: Harry Hi Francis. > > It wasn't a punishment. It might have felt like one, but that's not what it was. You can't keep believing that it was. That's not healthy. > Punishment, discipline, showing me the error of my ways and making sure I change them, whatever you want to call it. Still started with me experiencing the deaths of people I turned away when they asked for help. Obviously I'm not going to talk you out of your perception of what happened. > > > Being told "If you don't help us, we're going to be killed" was a pretty big hint. > > Okay, I see what you're saying, but you didn't *know.* > I didn't want to know. I can understand why. No one would have. > > It must have been very hard. I can tell you feel guilty. Responsible. > Yeah. Wouldn't you? That's a hard question to answer. Yes, I think I would have felt guilty, but I also think that after a while I'd be able to set it aside. > > I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could say. > There's nothing anyone can say. It is what it is. I hear what you're saying. > > > Yeah. Both eyes even. And other things. Which is probably more than you needed to know, huh? > > You're saying that Cordelia and Angel had a thing? And now you're in Cordelia's body and you and Angel have a thing? > Cordelia and Angel never had a thing. There was feelings there, but they never acted on them. Never? Not at all? I... don't mean to sound so surprised. I guess I just am. Angel and Cordelia... neither of struck me as the kinds of people who would let something like that go, if they were feeling it. > > I don't want to hurt you, Francis. You must know that's the last thing I want. But I don't want to see you hurt either. Are you sure that Angel isn't... focusing on you because of who you look like? > Angel and I started our... thing before I got put in Cordelia's body. I was still in the computer when we started talking and... other things. Least on his end. I was pretty much stuck with just talking. But since then? He doesn't seem to just be interested in how... female your body is? Was he ever with a man before? I'm sorry. This is probably none of my business. I just want to look out for you. > > > > Who's Wesley? > > > He joined Angel Investigations shortly after I died. Kinda my replacement in a way. > > Oh. I think Cordelia mentioned him, sort of, one of the times she and I talked. > You and Cordelia talked a lot? Not a lot, no. But a couple of times, after you died. Just checking in, to make sure she was okay. Which she mostly was. > > > I'm still me, Harry. Whatever I look like. Certainly doesn't change my past. Or my feelings. > > I know. I'm sorry. I was just picturing you saying it in Cordelia's voice, and it was kind of weird. > Do me a favour and stop inserting Cordelia into our past? The present and future, fine. But I'd like to think you're remembering me the way I was when we talk about when we were together. Oh I am. It's not that at all. It's just that when I read your email, I'm picturing you, and then I realize that you look like Cordelia and there's just this moment of weirdness. The rest of the time I know it's you. > > > > You did the best you could at the time. > > > Yeah. But my best was pretty crappy. > > Stop. That's enough. > Just the truth, Harry. It might be the truth, but you don't need to keep repeating it. > > I've told him about the mating habits of demons who rip off each other's legs and copulate with them. And about how Hrochlater demons change sex during a molting period that happens twice a year, and eat their young if the timing is off. So I kind of think that someone coming back in a different body sounds like small potatoes. > There's hearing about things in colourful little anecdotes and having one potentially become part of your extended family. Well there's also seeing pictures in books, and hearing recordings of said mating rituals. But I see your point. > > > Colour me paranoid and overly suspicious but... I'm still worried. > > Well try not to be. Trust me when I say it's fine. > I'll do my best. Still not going to any belated bachelor parties or anything ;) I think you'd be well within your rights never to go to another bachelor party again. > > I know. It doesn't. I mean, it did, because I was imagining you looking like Cordelia. > Don't. Or maybe, do, if it means you won't freak out on me when we talk in person. I'm not going to freak out. > > > Things with Angel are good. Great. We talk about... a lot of things I can't repeat without breaking my word. He spends a lot of time asking me if I'm okay and I spend a lot of time reassuring him that he does deserve a bit of happiness, and that I'm not going anywhere. In the rest of the time we talk about pizza, and lawyers and fantasies and experimenting and bondage and now I'm probably into things I shouldn't talk about again. ;-) > > That's good. It does sound good. And you don't... think that he looks at you and sees Cordelia? > No. At least, not in the way you mean. Once when he was more asleep than awake he called me Cordelia -- and then spent the rest of the day apologising. But I don't feel like a substitute. Well good. You're... a better person than I am, I think. I'm not sure, under the circumstances, if I could handle that. I'm glad that it's working for you. Just... be careful? I won't say it again, but I don't want to see you get hurt by this. By him. Talk to you tomorrow? Love from Harry __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel, > > > Um, except there's not really anything we can do about what happened with Connor. It's done. > > We're both still reeling from it though. > Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help. Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking... Kind of easier not to think about it. I'll stop if you want me to. > > Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do? > I don't know? What don't you understand? IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking Fred. There's plenty of things I don't understand. I'm far from omniscient. Far from infallible. As I know I've proven, sadly. > > I did try everything to disprove it, but everything I tried just made it seem more real. > I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the point where you were so freaked. Freaked is a good word. There was this prophecy that try as I might I couldn't disprove, and you were acting all weird, joking about Connor being a snack and I was dreaming I had blood on my hands and... It wasn't a good time. > I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different. Maybe. > > > For the record... if you'd brought him back later safe and sound, I think I would have understood. Not been mad. > > I... never let myself even think that. Hope for that. I didn't dare. > It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just kind of reacting. I get that. I was trying to plan out everything, balance everything, but yes. In the end I was so sick at heart and exhausted I was just going through the motions of what I had to do. > > That's what Doyle keeps telling me -- that you and I are the same. We're not though. You're a champion, designated so by the Powers that Be. I'm just a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much of my soul. > Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later. I don't know. > Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything. Lilah said something to me once -- that once you add black to white, it doesn't matter how much more white you pour in. It's still going to be grey. > And... I'm not a champion. Honest. Close enough for me. > > > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing. > > Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater scheme. > Yeah it does. Actually a lot. No. Not in anything that matters. > > > You don't think you remembering now is gonna, you know, negate the deal, do you? > > I don't think so. As you said, I don't think the spell completely took on me in the first place. You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember. > Why? I mean... why would she want that? Because she knew how important knowledge was -- is -- to me. I've other skills now but for the longest time my mind, my memory were pretty much all I could contribute productively. Losing them... Is my idea of hell. > > > I guess. Not sure what it means that he didn't believe it. Does it mean that I said it all wrong? Should I have done other stuff to prove it to him? I mean, there's always stuff you could have done differently, but maybe I made too many mistakes. > > I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched and shaped him. > There should have been a way to reach him. There comes a certain point where he has to want to be reached. > > > Are you talking about you there? And your dad, I mean? > > My father has never told me he loves me. > I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons we're so similar, huh? Because we both had fathers who pushed and pushed and pushed and were always quick to remind us we'd never amount to anything? > I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up. Likewise. > > I'm learning to live with it. Regret leaves a bitter aftertaste but you get used to it after a while. > Yeah. I know all about that too. Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with? What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to. Not Fred. The moment for that, if it ever existed, has well and truly passed. > > > If there IS anything I can do, let me know? > > I think you're already doing it. > Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling. Exactly. You're talking to me again. > > > Welcome. Not sure I did it for you, or even on purpose though. It just kind of happened. > > That seems to be the way these things happen. You turn around one day and realise a nearly fatal injury is little more than a twinge. > Yeah. Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing it, I mean. Usually you're too distracted with other things that are happening that seem more important. > > > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go. > > It wouldn't have been. > Maybe not. What are we but the sum of our memories? Do you want to take Connor from what makes you who you are? > > > We've been friends for a while now. I don't want to lose that again. > > Neither do I. > Good. So we're a couple of stubborn guys... we can make this work, right? I hope so. > > > > Of course not. You just tripped and fell fist first into them. > > > Yeah, something like that. > > I rather had thought so. > > > You know anyone who might be good for the job? > > I'm sure Wolfram and Hart has some construction division. > Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel, you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate. Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something. I can ask around, do some research for you. Or perhaps Doyle? Give him something to do? > > > Heh. Yeah, he's better at it than me, not that that's saying a lot I guess. He's... you think he's really okay? Being in Cordy's body and all? He says he is, but... seems to me like sooner or later the reality of it's gonna hit him. > > He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right. > You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out? Yes. That, like you said, it will hit him sooner or later. > > > > Surprisingly yes. It helps to know what you're thinking. Helps to know what you're feeling. > > > Well, I want to know what you're thinking and feeling too. Even if it's, you know, mad at me. > > I'm not angry at you. Not now. > But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it? I don't want to be angry at you anymore. Wes __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wes. > > > We're both still reeling from it though. > > Well, you can take my word that dwelling on it? Doesn't really help. Sorry. I just don't know if this... all this talking... Kind of easier not to think about it. > I'll stop if you want me to. It's not that. I guess there are just times when I wonder what's the point. > > > Is there anything you need me to understand that you don't think I do? > > I don't know? What don't you understand? IS there anything you don't understand? Um, I mean, that I could help with. Physics and science stuff like that, you're better off asking Fred. > There's plenty of things I don't understand. I'm far from omniscient. Far from infallible. As I know I've proven, sadly. No one's perfect. > > I can imagine what that must have been like. No wonder you got to the point where you were so freaked. > Freaked is a good word. There was this prophecy that try as I might I couldn't disprove, and you were acting all weird, joking about Connor being a snack and I was dreaming I had blood on my hands and... It wasn't a good time. I wish you'd felt like you could have told us what was going on. > > I wish Cordy had been around. I think things might have been different. > Maybe. You don't think they would have? > > It sounds like you weren't thinking too clearly at that point. Just kind of reacting. I get that. > I was trying to plan out everything, balance everything, but yes. In the end I was so sick at heart and exhausted I was just going through the motions of what I had to do. I know what that feels like. I'm sorry you have to. > > > I just am a man who does what has to be done. And hopes it doesn't take too much of my soul. > > Hope you haven't traded away any bits of it you might need later. > I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? Isn't that something you should know? > > Um... I mean that seriously. I'm not being flip or anything. > Lilah said something to me once -- that once you add black to white, it doesn't matter how much more white you pour in. It's still going to be grey. There's nothing wrong with grey, Wes. Perfect white, that's pretty much impossible to find, and that's okay. I'm not getting what colors have to do with your soul though. > > And... I'm not a champion. Honest. > Close enough for me. Stop deluding yourself. > > > > Well, other than the whole dead vs living thing. > > > Yes, there's that as well. Though it doesn't mean very much in the greater scheme. > > Yeah it does. Actually a lot. > No. Not in anything that matters. Just take me at my word when I say you're wrong. > > > You know, I can't help wondering if maybe... Lilah wanted me to remember. > > Why? I mean... why would she want that? > Because she knew how important knowledge was -- is -- to me. I've other skills now but for the longest time my mind, my memory were pretty much all I could contribute productively. Losing them... Is my idea of hell. Shit. Wes, I'm sorry. I'd take it back if I could. I don't think it's realistic to say that that's all you've got to contribute though. I mean, not to downplay how important a contribution it is. > > > I don't know what else you could have done; events beyond your control touched and shaped him. > > There should have been a way to reach him. > There comes a certain point where he has to want to be reached. Yeah. Too bad it was too late. > > > My father has never told me he loves me. > > I'm... well, I know what that's like. Guess maybe there are reasons we're so similar, huh? > Because we both had fathers who pushed and pushed and pushed and were always quick to remind us we'd never amount to anything? > > I'm sorry. That's a shitty way to grow up. > Likewise. Think you'd be good with letting this be one of those things we don't really dwell on? Because to be honest, thinking about it makes me want to hop the next ship to England and punch your dad's face in, and somehow I'm thinking that might not be the best thing to do . > > Yeah. I know all about that too. Maybe we can find you someone? To, you know... be with? What about Fred? Now that she and Gunn aren't... well anyway. I guess it's none of my business. Tell me to butt out if you want to. > Not Fred. The moment for that, if it ever existed, has well and truly passed. Okay. Someone else? > > > > If there IS anything I can do, let me know? > > > I think you're already doing it. > > Okay, that's scary. Because all I'm doing is babbling. > Exactly. You're talking to me again. Again, I say... scary. > > Kinda sad, in a way. That stuff can sort of happen without you noticing it, I mean. > Usually you're too distracted with other things that are happening that seem more important. I guess. > > > > Well, if it was foolproof. If it worked, and I didn't have to think about it anymore. There are definitely days when I think that would have been the way to go. > > > It wouldn't have been. > > Maybe not. > What are we but the sum of our memories? Do you want to take Connor from what makes you who you are? No? But on the other hand, I'm not real crazy about the way thinking about him makes me want to, you know, punch holes in the walls. Because then at LEAST one hand is bruised and bloody, and I have to come up with excuses for what happened. > > Yeah. I know. Just... don't know if I want them going into the hotel, you know? I mean, I know plenty of them have probably been in there before, but... it's kind of my place. I want to keep it separate. Still, maybe there's some independent contractors or something. > I can ask around, do some research for you. Or perhaps Doyle? Give him something to do? Then I'd have to tell him about how the holes got there in the first place, and he'd be all worried. Don't knock yourself out, but yeah, if you come up with anyone, let me know? Thanks. > > > He seems to be from what I've seen. Though he seems to be a bit worried about his reaction as well. So you may be right. > > You mean he's worried that he's not more freaked out? > Yes. That, like you said, it will hit him sooner or later. Kinda figure it's bound to. I mean, it's normal to actually react to stuff. Emotional stuff. > > > I'm not angry at you. Not now. > > But you were. Would it make you feel better to talk about it? > I don't want to be angry at you anymore. Okay. Well good. Because I'm not saying I want you to be mad at me. I'm good with putting the mad behind us. Promised Doyle I'd go home after that three o'clock thing, so I'm out of here. You know where to find me. Have a good night, okay? I'll talk to you in the morning. - Angel Next Part Main Page Send Feedback