All the Wrong Places - Part 31 To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some -- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing to talk to me. Just talk. I'm not making any promises. I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me. Thanks. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Angel > I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some -- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing to talk to me. Part of me wants to tell you that the answer is no, but that wouldn't be the truth. Doyle would be willing to talk to you. > Just talk. I'm not making any promises. I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me. That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you... > Thanks. I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > I know you don't owe me any favors -- heck, if anything, I owe you some -- but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Doyle would be willing to talk to me. > Part of me wants to tell you that the answer is no, but that wouldn't be the truth. Doyle would be willing to talk to you. Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now -- I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know, remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right. > > Just talk. I'm not making any promises. I should have written to him, but I didn't want to if it was going to be the wrong thing to do. I thought maybe you could tell me. > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you... No. I wouldn't do that. > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again. I'm going to try not to. Really try. I promise. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Angel. > Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now -- I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know, remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right. I'm not sure what that is, frankly. Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now, using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the illusion that you haven't run for the hills. > > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you... > No. I wouldn't do that. You did do that. > > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again. > I'm going to try not to. Really try. I promise. If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it. Wesley __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start something if it was just going to make things worse. I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me... stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly. I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and for being too scared to stay and deal with it. If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things. - Angel __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > Okay. I'm going to email him then. I don't know what he's doing now -- I mean, if he checks his email at all, or what. I know it's been a while. If you think he doesn't check it, could you, I don't know, remind him to? Or something? I'm not asking you not to tell him I contacted you. Just do whatever you think is right. > I'm not sure what that is, frankly. Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now, using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the illusion that you haven't run for the hills. Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to know what you think. > > > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you... > > No. I wouldn't do that. > You did do that. Yeah, okay, I did. Before. But I'm not going to do it now. I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not -- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I get that. You have a right to be. > > > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again. > > I'm going to try not to. Really try. I promise. > If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it. If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hello Angel > I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start something if it was just going to make things worse. There's always the chance that things will get worse. Just as there's always a chance things will get better. But that's going to take a lot of work on your part. > I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me... stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly. You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me. But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons you left. But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have friends in high places, huh? > I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and for being too scared to stay and deal with it. One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world and people that care about you. You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you? > If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things. You're going to have to show me. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > I hope you'll read this. I checked in with Wesley first, to see if he thought you'd be willing to talk to me. I didn't want to start something if it was just going to make things worse. > There's always the chance that things will get worse. Just as there's always a chance things will get better. But that's going to take a lot of work on your part. I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? > > I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me... stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly. > You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me. I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to. > But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons you left. But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have friends in high places, huh? I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never should have left like that. > > I'm sorry. For everything. For what happened, and for how I acted, and for being too scared to stay and deal with it. > One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world and people that care about you. You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you? Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit, and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to you because of me. And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared. > > If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things. > You're going to have to show me. Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle. Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay? - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Angel > > Doyle is checking his email regularly. In fact he's working here now, using your old office a lot of the time. Helping me maintain the illusion that you haven't run for the hills. > Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to know what you think. I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's ever been my privilege to know. You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing. > > > > That would all depend on what you want to talk about. If it's just to tell him again how much he's better off without you... > > > No. I wouldn't do that. > > You did do that. > Yeah, okay, I did. Before. But I'm not going to do it now. I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not -- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I get that. You have a right to be. I am angry with you -- very much so in fact. I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I think. Whatever he wants, I will support. > > > > I care for Doyle. Don't hurt him again. > > > I'm going to try not to. Really try. I promise. > > If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it. > If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again. The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to be extremely difficult. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > Is he okay? I mean, I've already emailed him and asked. But I'd like to know what you think. > I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's ever been my privilege to know. You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing. Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot. > > I want to see if there's a way to make things right. Maybe there's not -- maybe there's no way to fix what I did. But I want to try. I know you were there to pick up the mess I left, and that you're mad at me. I get that. You have a right to be. > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact. That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know saying that doesn't just make it go away. > I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I think. Whatever he wants, I will support. Thanks. For being there for him. > > > If you do hurt him again, I'll make sure you regret it. > > If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again. > The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to be extremely difficult. Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I promise I am. If I can just figure out how. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hello Angel > > There's always the chance that things will get worse. Just as there's always a chance things will get better. But that's going to take a lot of work on your part. > I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....? > > > I know I fucked things up. I didn't know how much until -- you remember when you had that dream about Cordelia? I had one too. Well, a different one. And it was like she was right there, and she told me... stuff. That I was being stupid, mostly. > > You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me. > I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to. Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop. And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with. But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too often in his life. > > But then you knew I'd call you on it, didn't you? One of the reasons you left. But you can't run from those Higher Powers. Guess it pays me to have friends in high places, huh? > I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never should have left like that. Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with me. Guess I presumed too much there, huh? > > One of the first things I ever told you, back when we first met, is that the worst thing you could do was cut yourself off from the world and people that care about you. You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you? > Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit, and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to you because of me. Like getting knocked up? Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good moments in the last five years too. > And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared. Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically smell it on you over email. > > > If you'll let me, I want to see if I can fix things. > > You're going to have to show me. > Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle. For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now that's all I ask -- keep talking. If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things. > Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay? I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being a vampire... Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > But that's going to take a lot of work on your part. > > I'm willing to do it. I swear. I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....? If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You tell me. Is that what you want? > > > You were. I would've told you that myself if you hadn't stopped talking to me. > > I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to. > Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop. Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry. > And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with. But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too often in his life. I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice. > > I was scared. Really scared. All I could think about was how I couldn't go through that again, especially not with you. I'm sorry -- I never should have left like that. > Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with me. Guess I presumed too much there, huh? Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah. Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you. What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you there's nothing left for me. I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for being scared of how things might turn out. > > > You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you? > > Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit, and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to you because of me. > Like getting knocked up? It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind, actually. Are you sorry? > Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good moments in the last five years too. Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know? > > And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared. > Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically smell it on you over email. Okay. I was terrified. Actually, I still am. But I'm trying. And I'll keep trying. > > Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle. > For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now that's all I ask -- keep talking. If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things. I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at this point, but... I mean it. > > Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay? > I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being a vampire... Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me because of it? - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > I think Doyle is one of the most resilient and remarkable people it's ever been my privilege to know. You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing. > Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot. You wouldn't have needed to worry about him if you hadn't cut off all contact. That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face, his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt him a lot. > > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact. > That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know saying that doesn't just make it go away. No it doesn't. > > I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I think. Whatever he wants, I will support. > Thanks. For being there for him. Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for. > > > If I do hurt him again, I won't need you to make sure I regret it. I already regret what's happened. A lot. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him, and you, and, you know. All three of you. I'm sorry I fucked up. I'm going to try not to do it again. > > The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to be extremely difficult. > Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I promise I am. If I can just figure out how. Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe. Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours. You've enough that is, I would think. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > > You told him to go on with his life. That's what he's doing. > > Good. I mean, I'm glad he's okay. I've worried about him a lot. > You wouldn't have needed to worry about him if you hadn't cut off all contact. That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face, his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt him a lot. I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to him. > > > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact. > > That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know saying that doesn't just make it go away. > No it doesn't. I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think. I'm sorry. > > > I don't know if you can fix things -- that will be up to Doyle, I think. Whatever he wants, I will support. > > Thanks. For being there for him. > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for. Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was doing the right thing. > > > The baby. If you can't even type the words, fixing things is going to be extremely difficult. > > Jesus, Wes. I'm TRYING here, okay? I am. This is... this is really hard. I don't even know where to start dealing with it. All I can think of is Connor and how much it hurt him, being a part of me. I don't want to do that to anyone else. But I'm going to try to deal with this, I promise I am. If I can just figure out how. > Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe. Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours. You've enough that is, I would think. Yeah, thanks for the reminder. How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing. I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt than's actually yours. I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hello Angel > > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....? > If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You tell me. Is that what you want? Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you. But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet. Things have changed. > > > I'm sorry. I'll say it as many times as you need me to. > > Keep going. I'll let you know when you can stop. > Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry. Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in email. > > And it's not just me you need to say it to. I'm not the only one you abandoned, though okay, I was the only one you were sleeping with. But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too often in his life. > I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice. This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me. And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*. > > Funny that. I would've thought that something like this -- what it could mean if you got your head out of worst case scenarios for a minute -- would be exactly the kinda thing you'd want to share with me. Guess I presumed too much there, huh? > Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah. Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you. I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla. I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past. > What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you there's nothing left for me. I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad stuff never happens. > I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for being scared of how things might turn out. I love you too. I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase it. It just means you're not here. > > > > You haven't learned a damn thing in the last five years, have you? > > > Actually I have. I learned that everything I touch to turns to shit, and that everyone I love dies. The last thing I wanted was for something to happen to you because of me. > > Like getting knocked up? > It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind, actually. Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant. > Are you sorry? That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen, but... I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then, but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly back in the cards. > > Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good moments in the last five years too. > Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know? Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little? > > > And yeah, okay, it was partially because I was scared. > > Partially? Angel, you were so fucking terrified I could practically smell it on you over email. > Okay. I was terrified. Actually, I still am. But I'm trying. And I'll keep trying. That's all I can ask. > > > Tell me how. Tell me what I can do. Please, Doyle. > > For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now that's all I ask -- keep talking. If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things. > I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at this point, but... I mean it. It means something. > > > Are you okay? I mean... is everything okay? > > I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being a vampire... > Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me because of it? I'm only mad at you for leaving. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....? > > If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You tell me. Is that what you want? > Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you. But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet. Things have changed. I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make this right. > > Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry. > Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in email. I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal with it without me. I'm sorry. > > > But you left Wesley too -- and from what I seen he's been left far too often in his life. > > I'll tell him. And I AM sorry. I know that he stepped in and kind of took over for me. That I didn't really give him a choice. > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me. And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*. I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to. > > Well, maybe in a perfect world where I don't watch the mother of my child stake herself in a fucking ALLEY, leaving me alone to raise a baby that wasn't even supposed to be CONCEIVED let alone born... yeah. Maybe if I had any reason to think that things would be okay, then maybe that WOULD be something I'd want to share with you. > I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla. I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past. I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air. And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain. > > What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you there's nothing left for me. > I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad stuff never happens. If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would hold more weight if I wasn't already dead. > > I love you, Doyle. I didn't want to do that to you, and I couldn't deal with the thought of having to go through it again myself. I know I fucked up, but it's not like I didn't have some pretty good reasons for being scared of how things might turn out. > I love you too. Do you? Still? God, I miss you so fucking much. > I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase it. It just means you're not here. I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just... reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still scared. > > > Like getting knocked up? > > It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind, actually. > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant. At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation, you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because I couldn't see straight. > > Are you sorry? > That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen, but... I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then, but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly back in the cards. That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know what I would have done. Something different. > > > Angel, shit happens, and yeah, okay, you've had more shit than you deserve, but you can't tell me that you haven't also had some good moments in the last five years too. > > Sometimes it just feels like the bad ones are bigger, you know? > Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little? Okay. I'll try. You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words maybe, but the same basic thing. > > > For now, keep talking. *Don't* cut off contact again. You're going to want to because this isn't going to be easy or quick, but for now that's all I ask -- keep talking. If you can't do that, then I don't know how we could fix things. > > I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at this point, but... I mean it. > It means something. I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad. > > > I'm fine. Everything's fine. Practically textbook, or so they keep telling me. Y'know, aside from me being new to this body and you being a vampire... > > Yeah. How do you feel about... the whole thing? Are you mad at me because of it? > I'm only mad at you for leaving. I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need me to do. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face, his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt him a lot. > I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to him. It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he may let you off easily. > > > > I am angry with you -- very much so in fact. > > > That's okay. Well, it's not, because I don't want you to be mad at me, but I understand why you are. I'm sorry for what happened. And I know saying that doesn't just make it go away. > > No it doesn't. > I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think. Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who can. > I'm sorry. I'm not the one you need to apologise to. > > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for. > Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was doing the right thing. Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair. Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way myself. > > Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe. Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours. You've enough that is, I would think. > Yeah, thanks for the reminder. That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I mean. > How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing. If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to own. > I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt than's actually yours. I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could. You won't. Not if there's anything I can do about it. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > > That hurt him, Angel. He doesn't talk about it, and if asked, is more likely to defend you than condemn you even now -- although he will call you some interesting names at times -- but I've seen his face, his eyes. You leaving and washing your hands of the whole thing hurt him a lot. > > I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to him. > It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he may let you off easily. It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong -- there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back. > > I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think. > Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who can. I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something. Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay, a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside my own head. > > I'm sorry. > I'm not the one you need to apologise to. Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley. Really. > > > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for. > > Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was doing the right thing. > Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair. But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time -- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like I ran off to have a good time. Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want you to understand. Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me. > Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way myself. I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough to fight that instinct. > > > Angel, it wasn't being your son that hurt Connor, it was a whole lot of things -- not the least was my failing to keep him safe. Don't take on more guilt than is actually yours. You've enough that is, I would think. > > Yeah, thanks for the reminder. > That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I mean. You won't. Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there for Doyle? > > How the hell am I supposed to tell? What I SHOULD feel guilty for and what I shouldn't, I mean? Because I have to be honest here, it all looks pretty much the same from where I'm standing. > If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to own. I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words. > > I know there were factors, with Connor. Holtz was the big one, but there were other ones too, and you... you were just a tiny piece in a really hugely fucked up puzzle, so don't YOU take on any more guilt than's actually yours. I don't want to go through that again. I don't know if I could. > You won't. Not if there's anything I can do about it. See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that isn't there. What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle? Because that's what really matters. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel > If I said I wanted you back here right now on your knees and groveling....? > > > If you did, and you meant it? I'd do it. I don't know if that would really be the best thing, but maybe that's not for me to decide. You tell me. Is that what you want? > > Part of me does, yeah. I've missed you. But I don't think we're ready for that. Not yet. Things have changed. > I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make this right. It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us. And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been -- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now. But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get back to where we were. Eventually. > > > Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Doyle. I'm so sorry. > > Keep going. If I can't have you groveling in person, I'll take it in email. > I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal with it without me. I'm sorry. Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's certainly not anything I planned for but... I'm not sorry it happened. Just sorry to be doing it without you. > > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me. And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*. > I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to. He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel. > > I can safely assure you, I'm not going to stake myself. I'm not Darla. I'm not a vampire. Yeah, this was still pretty unexpected for a number of reasons, but this isn't a replay of the past. > I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air. And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain. I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah. You don't still think like that about this, do you? > > > What I was hoping to save you from was all the stuff that ACTUALLY happens. The part where you die, or you both do, or I get to have you both just long enough to love you so much that I when I lose you there's nothing left for me. > > I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad stuff never happens. > If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would hold more weight if I wasn't already dead. You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're pretty lively for a dead guy. > > I love you too. > Do you? Still? Yeah. > God, I miss you so fucking much. I miss you too. Y'know that, right? > > I understand why you ran, Angel, really I do. But you doing so doesn't change what happened between us or what I'm doing. It doesn't erase it. It just means you're not here. > I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just... reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still scared. Yeah, I get that. But look at it this way -- you say Cordy came and yelled at you. You think she would do that if what you're scared of was going to happen? We've got a Higher Being looking out for us now, man. I think that means we might get a few more things breaking our way. > > > > Like getting knocked up? > > > It's not like I thought that was going to happen. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind, actually. > > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant. > At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation, you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because I couldn't see straight. Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back. > > > Are you sorry? > > That you knocked me up? No. This wasn't anything I expected to happen, but... I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then, but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly back in the cards. > That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know what I would have done. Something different. Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me. > > Yeah. But maybe you can try and dwell on the good stuff just a little? > Okay. I'll try. That's all I ask. > You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words maybe, but the same basic thing. Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I loved the most about her. Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees... > > > I will. I promise. Not that my word probably means anything to you at this point, but... I mean it. > > It means something. > I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad. Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you. > > I'm only mad at you for leaving. > I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need me to do. You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > Things have changed. > > I know. I know you aren't going to be able to trust me again, not for a long time maybe. But I promise I'm going to do everything I can to make this right. > It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us. And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been -- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now. You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been there to do. God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that. > But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get back to where we were. Eventually. I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's yours. > > I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal with it without me. I'm sorry. > Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's certainly not anything I planned for but... I'm not sorry it happened. Just sorry to be doing it without you. I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway. I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it. And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've missed stuff that I should have been there for. I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. > > > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me. And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*. > > I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to. > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel. I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it takes for him to believe it. > > I know you're not a vampire, I'm just saying that my previous experience with this kind of thing was pretty much exactly what I wouldn't have wanted. So if I have a bad picture in my head of how things might go, it's not like I pulled it from thin air. And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain. > I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah. You don't still think like that about this, do you? That it's all going to go wrong, you mean? I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll get another chance after this one. But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could possibly make this work. > > > I can't promise that nothing will happen to me or to our child. (And how weird is it to actually be typing that?) There's no guarantees in life, Angel, but dwelling on just the bad stuff... you miss all the good stuff, the great stuff. And that's a waste, especially if the bad stuff never happens. > > If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would hold more weight if I wasn't already dead. > You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're pretty lively for a dead guy. Yeah, I guess so. > > > I love you too. > > Do you? Still? > Yeah. I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I really, really don't deserve you. But I want you anyway. > > God, I miss you so fucking much. > I miss you too. Y'know that, right? I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to know you care. > > I know. You're right, and I'm sorry. I was scared and I just... reacted. And then the more I thought about everything, the more scared I got, until all I could do was convince myself I was doing the right thing by staying the hell away from you. I don't want to hurt you any more. Hell, I didn't want to hurt you the first time. But I'm still scared. > Yeah, I get that. But look at it this way -- you say Cordy came and yelled at you. You think she would do that if what you're scared of was going to happen? We've got a Higher Being looking out for us now, man. I think that means we might get a few more things breaking our way. I hope so. > > > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant. > > At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation, you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because I couldn't see straight. > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back. I'm sorry. > > > I told you once that Harry and I had been discussing kids when I first discovered I was half demon. I gave up on the idea of children then, but... it's not an unpleasant surprise to find out that it's suddenly back in the cards. > > That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know what I would have done. Something different. > Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me. Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least. Like 'Why me?' > > You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words maybe, but the same basic thing. > Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I loved the most about her. Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees... But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean something. > > I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad. > Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you. I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this. > > > I'm only mad at you for leaving. > > I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need me to do. > You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you. I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left in your mind. I love you. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Wesley Hello Angel > > > I know. I know, you're right, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to him. > > It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he may let you off easily. > It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong -- there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back. You should tell Doyle that. I'm sure it will help. > > > I'm sorry to you, too, Wesley. I'm sorry I took off like that and just left you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was just... I couldn't think. > > Next time you can't think, maybe you should talk to those of us who can. > I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something. Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay, a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside my own head. Perhaps we should employ some preventative smacks then. > > I'm not the one you need to apologise to. > Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley. Really. If Doyle can forgive you, it's really not my place to continue to hold a grudge. > > > > Doyle's very important to me. I try not to abandon those that I care for. > > > Whereas I do? Is that really fair? I mean, I know I made a mistake -- a really big, really serious mistake -- but I thought that I was doing the right thing, even if that wasn't true. I WANTED to think I was doing the right thing. > > Considering this isn't the first time you've pushed away/evaded those who care about you? Yes, I do think that's fair. > But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time -- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like I ran off to have a good time. Yes, it is abandoning. Because whatever you told yourself to make it all right, the result for those left behind is the same. > Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want you to understand. I understand your thought processes. I just want you to understand that whatever you call it, it doesn't change the results. > Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me. I don't hate you, Angel. Things might be simpler if I could hate you, but I can't. > > Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way myself. > I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough to fight that instinct. Let's hope the lesson took this time. > > That isn't something I intend to fail at again. With this child, I mean. > You won't. Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there for Doyle? Either way I'm going to be here for Doyle. But we're still friends. Somehow. > > If you actively did something that hurt others, then that's something for which you can feel guilty. If something happened because of who or what you are, or because you happened to be in the vicinity, that's not yours to own. > I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words. If you did it, you're guilty. If you didn't do it, you're not. > See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that isn't there. What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle? Because that's what really matters. What do I want? I want Doyle to be happy. If that includes you, then I want that for him. Wesley __________ To: Wesley From: Angel Hi Wesley. > > > It could take a lot. It should take a lot. Knowing Doyle though, he may let you off easily. > > It's okay with me if it takes a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong -- there's a part of me that would like it if this was easier. I wish it wasn't so hard, and not just for me -- for Doyle too. And for you. But I'm okay with it being a long road to get back to somewhere even close to where we were, as long as it means I can have Doyle back. > You should tell Doyle that. I'm sure it will help. I'll do that. Thanks. > > I might need a smack upside the head with a two by four or something. Um, not now. Under those circumstances, I mean. I get a little... okay, a LOT to the point where I can't really hear anything but what's inside my own head. > Perhaps we should employ some preventative smacks then. Maybe. Would it make you feel better? Because, if it would... I'd be okay with that. > > > I'm not the one you need to apologise to. > > Yeah, you are. You're one of them. And not just because Doyle told me I should -- because he's right. I shouldn't have left at all, but especially not like I did, leaving you to pick up the pieces. It must have been hard. I'm sorry, Wesley. Really. > If Doyle can forgive you, it's really not my place to continue to hold a grudge. Not your place to hold a grudge for him, true. But that doesn't mean you can't hold one for yourself. I walked out on you, too. The circumstances weren't the same, but I still did it, and you have every right to be mad at me for it. I'm not saying I want you mad at me. Just that, if you are, I get that. > > But is it really 'abandoning' when I'm doing it to try to protect those people? Just because I was kind of protecting myself at the same time -- which I'm not denying, even though I don't think I knew that's what I was doing, or maybe I just didn't WANT to know -- well, it's not like I ran off to have a good time. > Yes, it is abandoning. Because whatever you told yourself to make it all right, the result for those left behind is the same. I don't really see it that way, so I'm going to have to take your word for it. I believe you. And it's not going to happen again, so either way, it's okay. > > Jeez. I'm not trying to say that I didn't fuck up, I swear. I just want you to understand. > I understand your thought processes. I just want you to understand that whatever you call it, it doesn't change the results. I understand that you're saying it's different from how I see it. I don't GET it, not really, but I understand, and I swear to you it's not going to happen again. Ever. > > Or maybe I'm just hoping you'll say you don't hate me. > I don't hate you, Angel. Things might be simpler if I could hate you, but I can't. Why simpler? Do you WANT to hate me? > > > Making unilateral decisions about things that affect more than just you is never the right thing. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way myself. > > I get that now. I do. Not saying that my first instinct might not be to do the same damned thing again next time, but at least I'll know enough to fight that instinct. > Let's hope the lesson took this time. Yeah, let's. Because there's no way I'm going through this again, or putting anyone else through it. > > Does that mean we're still friends? Or just that it doesn't matter to you one way or the other, because either way you're going to be there for Doyle? > Either way I'm going to be here for Doyle. But we're still friends. Somehow. If there's anything I can do to make things better between us -- to make it easier for you to forgive me, or to make stuff easier on you -- tell me. I'll do it. > > I might need you to write that down for me. Maybe in smaller words. > If you did it, you're guilty. If you didn't do it, you're not. Got it. I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to the wall next to my bed where I can see it. I figure that way it might have a better chance of sinking in. > > See, and again here I'm getting the feeling that you'd be just as happy if I didn't come back. Maybe I'm reading something into your words that isn't there. What do YOU want, Wesley? What would be the best thing for Doyle? Because that's what really matters. > What do I want? I want Doyle to be happy. If that includes you, then I want that for him. I want to make Doyle happy. I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen, no matter how hard it is. I love him, and after everything he's been through, I'm going to make sure that things are better from now on. For him and for the baby. He says he still loves me and still trusts me, and I'm going to earn every bit of that back. I'm never going to take a chance on losing him again. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel > > It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us. And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been -- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now. > You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been there to do. Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close. > God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that. I know. > > But, if I can come back from the dead, I think we can manage to get back to where we were. Eventually. > I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's yours. Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to be very easy. > > > I'm sorry, Doyle. Sorry for this happening in the first place, sorry that I freaked out when I found out. I'm sorry that I left you to deal with it without me. I'm sorry. > > Whoa, back up. Sorry for it happening in the first place? Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the weird scale this is about a 58, and it's certainly not anything I planned for but... I'm not sorry it happened. Just sorry to be doing it without you. > I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway. I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it. I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh? > And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've missed stuff that I should have been there for. Enough to be here for the rest? > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. Yes it was. > > > > This would have been a hell of a lot harder to go through without Wesley. He's come to mean a lot to me. And when I say a lot, I mean *a lot*. > > > I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you had a friend to turn to. > > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel. > I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it takes for him to believe it. That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now between us. > > > And I'm not trying to make excuses, I swear. I'm just trying to explain. > > I can understand first initial reactions like that, yeah. You don't still think like that about this, do you? > That it's all going to go wrong, you mean? I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll get another chance after this one. You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not pronouncements of doom. > But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could possibly make this work. We gotta work on your positive thinking. > > > If anything happened to you, it would kill me. Which I realize would hold more weight if I wasn't already dead. > > You may not breathe, but I can give pretty good evidence that you're pretty lively for a dead guy. > Yeah, I guess so. Believe me, I can vouch for it. > > > > I love you too. > > > Do you? Still? > > Yeah. > I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I really, really don't deserve you. But I want you anyway. Well, that's a step in the right direction. > > > God, I miss you so fucking much. > > I miss you too. Y'know that, right? > I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to know you care. Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring. > > > > Yeah, mine too. But my point being, it had already happened. You running wasn't suddenly going to make me any less pregnant. > > > At the time, all I could think about was getting out of the situation, you know? Not because I wanted to leave you -- I didn't -- but because I couldn't see straight. > > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back. > I'm sorry. Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising. Let's work on the next step. > > > That makes me feel better, knowing that you don't hate me for it. If I'd known that it was even possible, I would have... well, I don't know what I would have done. Something different. > > Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me. > Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least. Like 'Why me?' All the while refusing to touch me. > > > You and Cordy... I don't know, it seems fitting that you ended up in her body, somehow. You were a matched pair in a lot of ways. You're saying a lot of the same stuff she was saying. Using different words maybe, but the same basic thing. > > Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I loved the most about her. Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees... > But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean something. Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did that. > > > I'm having kind of a hard time imagining how it could, but I'm glad. > > Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you. > I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this. I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you run next time, but no hating. > > > > I'm only mad at you for leaving. > > > I'm sorry. It was a mistake -- a really fucking HUGE mistake -- and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Anything you need me to do. > > You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you. > I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left in your mind. I know you will. Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean. > I love you. I love you too. Doyle Next Part Main Page Send Feedback