All the Wrong Places - Part 33 To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > It's not about trust, or at least not just about trust. Things have changed and we're going to have to deal with those changes between us. And with Wesley. He's part of this all now. I think he might have been -- at least eventually -- before but he definitely is in it now. > > You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been there to do. > Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close. Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better again. > > God, Doyle... I'm so sorry. I really mean that. > I know. Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell me to get lost. > > I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's yours. > Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to be very easy. Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me. > > > Just sorry to be doing it without you. > > I didn't mean... I didn't mean sorry about that. Not LIKE that, anyway. I meant I'm sorry that it happened like this, without us knowing that it was even a possibility. I'm sorry that we didn't know so that we could be more careful, so that we could have, you know, TALKED about it. > I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh? Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that. > > And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've missed stuff that I should have been there for. > Enough to be here for the rest? YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. > Yes it was. It will never happen again, I promise. > > > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel. > > I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it takes for him to believe it. > That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now between us. I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me, and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs. The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he prefers things the way they are. That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way he does. > > That it's all going to go wrong, you mean? I don't THINK it. Well okay, that's not true. I still think it, but then I remind myself what Cordy said -- that this is my chance to get things right, that the Powers wanted to give me another shot at it. And I know that I don't want to screw things up again. It's not like I'll get another chance after this one. > You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not pronouncements of doom. I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the best I can. > > But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could possibly make this work. > We gotta work on your positive thinking. Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it. > > I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I really, really don't deserve you. But I want you anyway. > Well, that's a step in the right direction. From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right direction. > > > I miss you too. Y'know that, right? > > I hoped it. Not that I want you to be hurting, but it means a lot to know you care. > Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring. I'll try to remember that. It's reassuring. > > > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back. > > I'm sorry. > Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising. Let's work on the next step. What's the next step? > > > Yeah, knowing you, you would've refused to touch me. > > Well, I would have wanted to get some more information first, at least. Like 'Why me?' > All the while refusing to touch me. Maybe. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to. > > > Cordelia always was a woman that spoke her mind. One of the things I loved the most about her. Okay, when she wasn't cutting me off at the knees... > > But in the end, she saw you for what you really are. That's got to mean something. > Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did that. I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how amazing a person you are. > > > Because I believe you're trying. And, in spite of everything, I still trust you. > > I'm just sitting here and I don't know what to type. It hurts so much to think that you'd still be able to trust me, after what I did. I feel so... ashamed. I hate myself for putting you through this. > I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you run next time, but no hating. I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again. > > > You saying things like that is part of the reason why I still trust you. > > I'll keep saying it -- and proving it -- until there's no question left in your mind. > I know you will. Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean. Haven't we been through this before? You know I care about him. I feel almost as bad for leaving him in the lurch as I do you -- well, not really, but I feel bad. After you died, he was just... there, looking up to me, but helping a lot more than he ever seemed to think he was, even when he did screw up. I know I took him for granted some of the time. I feel bad about it now, but then I don't think I realized I was doing it. He's... he's so smart it scares me, sometimes. Not that I'm not happy to have him on my team, because I am. Was. Whichever it is. I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy, and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him, even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of... what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room? Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there. Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong. Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know? > > I love you. > I love you too. Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through the time until I hear from you again. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry with me if you need to, but... don't go away again. All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes... Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to bring that to an end. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated. > > > You mean because he stepped in and did the things I should have been there to do. > > Yes. But more than that. He's... We've grown close. > Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better again. I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you. > Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell me to get lost. I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite. > > > I'll do anything you need me to. Anything. Just say the word and it's yours. > > Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to be very easy. > Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me. Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you? > > I suppose it would be beating a dead horse to point out that we could've talked about it if you hadn't ran, huh? > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that. No, but it could have helped you deal with it better. > > > And I'm sorry you've been doing it without me, too. I'm sorry I've missed stuff that I should have been there for. > > Enough to be here for the rest? > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me? > > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. > > Yes it was. > It will never happen again, I promise. I hope you can still mean that. > > > > He's more than a friend. He's... He means a lot to me, Angel. > > > I get that. And I'm grateful to him. I'll keep telling him that, and apologizing to him, for as long as you want me to. For as long at it takes for him to believe it. > > That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now between us. > I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me, and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs. Please, try to keep that attitude. I know I'll never forgive myself if I end up alienating you two from each other. > The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he prefers things the way they are. That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way he does. Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't change how you feel about Wes or me too much. > > You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not pronouncements of doom. > I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the best I can. I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail. Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay? > > > But even when I'm telling myself all that stuff and knowing that it's true, I'm still scared. I still FEEL like there's no way I could possibly make this work. > > We gotta work on your positive thinking. > Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it. Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive that we can work things out if you still want to. > > > I can't even start to tell you how much that means to me. That you could still love me even after everything I've put you through. I really, really don't deserve you. But I want you anyway. > > Well, that's a step in the right direction. > From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right direction. For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way. > > Just because you started acting like you've got your head firmly planted up your arse, doesn't mean I stop caring. > I'll try to remember that. It's reassuring. I don't think there's anything that will make me stop caring for you. > > > > Yeah. We've established that. And for what it's worth, I wasn't mad when you ran. I only got mad when you decided not to come back. > > > I'm sorry. > > Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising. Let's work on the next step. > What's the next step? The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further. > > Yeah. Helped me see myself for what I really am too. Both of you did that. > I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how amazing a person you are. Hope you still feel that way. > > I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you run next time, but no hating. > I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again. That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't been the easiest email for you to read. > > Angel, this might seem like a weird question, but how do you feel about Wesley? Really? Deep down, I mean. > Haven't we been through this before? You know I care about him. I feel almost as bad for leaving him in the lurch as I do you -- well, not really, but I feel bad. After you died, he was just... there, looking up to me, but helping a lot more than he ever seemed to think he was, even when he did screw up. I know I took him for granted some of the time. I feel bad about it now, but then I don't think I realized I was doing it. He's... he's so smart it scares me, sometimes. Not that I'm not happy to have him on my team, because I am. Was. Whichever it is. I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy, and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him, even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of... what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room? Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there. Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong. Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know? No, that's exactly what I wanted to know. My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes? > > > I love you. > > I love you too. > Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through the time until I hear from you again. It's still true. I love you. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry with me if you need to, but... don't go away again. All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes... Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to bring that to an end. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated. Yeah, I guess it does. I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know? Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it. So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd... The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or she, or whatever. You're in love with him? > > Good. I'm sure it's good for him too, to have someone to talk to. I've never been any good at that -- well, except for with you really, and it's still hard -- so I know there are a lot of things he and I haven't said to each other. Things we probably should have. I mean, it's been better since you came back, obviously, and I want it to get better again. > I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you. Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley. > > Thanks. For understanding, and for being willing to talk to me when I came crawling back. You would have been well within your rights to tell me to get lost. > I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite. Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got tough? That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all. > > > Do you mean that? Some of the things I'll ask probably aren't going to be very easy. > > Yes, I mean it. ANYTHING. Tell me. > Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you? I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And not just because of the... you know. The baby. Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird. > > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that. > No, but it could have helped you deal with it better. Still would have been a hell of a surprise. > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me? Yes. > > > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. > > > Yes it was. > > It will never happen again, I promise. > I hope you can still mean that. I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll figure out something. > > > That might be a very long time. Especially with the way things are now between us. > > I can't say that's encouraging, but he has every right to be mad at me, and every right to take as much time as he needs getting over it. Even if it's not easy, I'll stick it out. I'll do whatever he needs. > Please, try to keep that attitude. I know I'll never forgive myself if I end up alienating you two from each other. There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be pissed off for me for leaving. But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I don't want to lose that. > > The way things are between us -- you mean he doesn't want me to come back. He thinks you'd be better off without me. I kind of got that from stuff that he's said -- he keeps saying that whatever will make you happy is what he wants, which is a pretty clear indication that he prefers things the way they are. That doesn't make me happy. But again, he's got a right to feel the way he does. > Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't change how you feel about Wes or me too much. Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you want than what he wants, himself. > > > You've got to take these kinds of situations as opportunities, not pronouncements of doom. > > I'll try. I think I'm going to need help on that one, but I'll do the best I can. > I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail. Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay? I'm not. I won't. What kind of detail? > > > We gotta work on your positive thinking. > > Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it. > Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive that we can work things out if you still want to. I'm trying. And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that, right? It's just... this is a lot. > > > Well, that's a step in the right direction. > > From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right direction. > For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way. Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms around you and make everything better again. > > > Okay, I think I've heard that enough now. You can stop apologising. Let's work on the next step. > > What's the next step? > The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further. Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be another word. But I'm here. > > I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how amazing a person you are. > Hope you still feel that way. Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about it. If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I understand. It's okay. > > > I don't want you to hate yourself. Maybe get you to think before you run next time, but no hating. > > I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again. > That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't been the easiest email for you to read. It's easier than when you were calling me a bastard, although to be fair I deserved that too. > > I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy, and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him, even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of... what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room? Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there. Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong. Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know? > No, that's exactly what I wanted to know. My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes? How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all? > > Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through the time until I hear from you again. > It's still true. I love you. Me too. That's not gonna change. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel, > > I... I'm going to tell you something here and I know your first reaction is going to be to stop reading, maybe to stop communicating altogether. I'm asking you now not to do that. Keep reading. Be angry with me if you need to, but... don't go away again. All right, with that caveat out of the way, here goes... Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to bring that to an end. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated. > Yeah, I guess it does. I got a way of making an understatement, huh? > I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know? Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it. So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd... If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly aren't going to tell you not to be. Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it personally. More than I should I mean. > The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or she, or whatever. You're in love with him? Yeah. Still in love with you too. Like I said, complicated. > > I'm glad to hear that. I want things to get better between you and Wes too. I hope you still feel that way after what I just told you. > Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley. I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign. But I still won't blame you if you are. > > I don't want you to get lost. Just the opposite. > Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got tough? That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all. Of course I'll answer. Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one mistake. We both know I've made my share of those too. Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see it that way. > > Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you? > I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And not just because of the... you know. That's good to hear. *Really* good. > The baby. Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird. Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself. Weird about covers it. > > > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that. > > No, but it could have helped you deal with it better. > Still would have been a hell of a surprise. Well yeah. Try it from in here. > > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. > > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me? > Yes. You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer. > > > > > I'm sorry I left you. It was the wrong thing to do. > > > > Yes it was. > > > It will never happen again, I promise. > > I hope you can still mean that. > I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll figure out something. I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual arrangement but I may be overly optimistic. If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can get. > There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be pissed off for me for leaving. Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been left. There's issues there. > But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I don't want to lose that. I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose that either. > > Well now you know why he's saying some of that. I hope it doesn't change how you feel about Wes or me too much. > Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you want than what he wants, himself. He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes. And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy because he's not. Both of you are first choices and... Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't? > > I mean for this whole situation to be an opportunity too, but I'll give you some time to adjust before I go into too much detail. Just... don't give up on me quite yet, okay? > I'm not. I won't. What kind of detail? Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity. > > > > We gotta work on your positive thinking. > > > Again, some help wouldn't out of place here. It's not than I'm unwilling, just that I don't have the faintest clue how to go about it. > > Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive that we can work things out if you still want to. > I'm trying. And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that, right? It's just... this is a lot. Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just say so. > > > > Well, that's a step in the right direction. > > > From where I'm standing, every step toward you is a step in the right direction. > > For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way. > Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms around you and make everything better again. I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way towards making things better. > > > What's the next step? > > The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further. > Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be another word. But I'm here. Thanks. It means a lot to me that you are. > > > I'm glad to think I might have helped. You deserve to know exactly how amazing a person you are. > > Hope you still feel that way. > Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about it. If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I understand. It's okay. I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy. Because I don't want to give up either of you. > > > I promise you, I'd trying as hard as I can to do better. The last thing I want is to ever cause you any pain again. > > That works both ways, I hope you know. Although I'm sure this hasn't been the easiest email for you to read. > It's easier than when you were calling me a bastard, although to be fair I deserved that too. Yeah, you did at the time. > > > I think there was... I'm not sure how much detail you want me to go into here, but I think if things had been different, he and I might have, you know. Gotten together. But I was so fucked up after Buffy, and I knew I wasn't in a good place for it. I didn't want to use him, even though there were times I got the idea he wouldn't have minded. It sure as hell wasn't that I didn't want him, but I was suspicious of my own motives, I guess. And even though I was pretty sure he was interested, he never came right out and said so, so we just kind of... what is that they say, about ignoring the elephant in the living room? Kind of like that. We just pretended it wasn't there. Of course, maybe I've got it all wrong. Is that what you wanted to know? Is it MORE than you wanted to know? > > No, that's exactly what I wanted to know. My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes? > How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all? I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it will make things... complicated. He's afraid of getting hurt again. And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each other. Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel. > > > Thanks. Just knowing that makes it a little bit easier to get through the time until I hear from you again. > > It's still true. I love you. > Me too. That's not gonna change. Thanks. That's good to hear. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > Wes and I, we're together. And yes, by that, I mean in a shagging sort of way. The word "love" has been said and meant. There's no plans to bring that to an end. But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated. > > Yeah, I guess it does. > I got a way of making an understatement, huh? You do. You really do. > > I've just been sitting here for a while, kind of... staring. You know? Stunned. And part of me wants to be mad, but when it comes right down to it, I know I don't have any right to be. Hell, I TOLD you to get on with your life. That I wasn't coming back. And at the time, I meant it. So it's not my place to be pissed off that you'd... > If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly aren't going to tell you not to be. Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it personally. More than I should I mean. Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be. > > The thought of someone else touching you, it's... well, not good. Even though it's Wesley. Or maybe because it's Wesley. At least picturing you with some stranger, I didn't have to know what he'd look like. Or she, or whatever. You're in love with him? > Yeah. Still in love with you too. Like I said, complicated. That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know... I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. > > Right now? I have no idea. Seriously. Everything's kind of numb, and not necessarily in a bad way. I'd rather feel this -- nothing -- than really BE mad at you. Or at Wesley. > I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign. But I still won't blame you if you are. Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated, from my side, too, obviously. > > Even though you and Wesley are... you still want me back? I'm not saying no. Just... why? And I don't mean him, I mean, why me? Why would you still want me after what happened -- what I did -- when you have someone else? Someone who didn't take off on you when the going got tough? That's a lot of questions. You don't have to answer them all. > Of course I'll answer. Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one mistake. We both know I've made my share of those too. Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake, and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself. > Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see it that way. I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm trying to understand. > > > Keep talking to me? Still want me even with what I just told you? > > I'll never stop wanting you. I didn't stop before, and I won't now. And not just because of the... you know. > That's good to hear. *Really* good. It's the truth. > > The baby. Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird. > Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself. Weird about covers it. Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or anything? Are you sick all the time? Tell me. I want to know. > > > > Yeah, but by then it was too late. I mean, you were already pregnant. Not like talking was going to change that. > > > No, but it could have helped you deal with it better. > > Still would have been a hell of a surprise. > Well yeah. Try it from in here. Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd probably freak out. Did you? When you found out? I'm sorry I wasn't there. > > > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. > > > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me? > > Yes. > You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer. Did you really think you'd get a different one? > > > I hope you can still mean that. > > I still do. I don't know what the hell we're going to do, but we'll figure out something. > I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual arrangement but I may be overly optimistic. If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can get. What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some idea so I can start thinking about it. > > There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be pissed off for me for leaving. > Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been left. There's issues there. Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get right down to it. > > But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I don't want to lose that. > I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose that either. How's he feel about all this? > > Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you want than what he wants, himself. > He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes. And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy because he's not. Both of you are first choices and... Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't? No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking. > > What kind of detail? > Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity. So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel about any of it? > > > Be positive that I still love you. That I still want you. Be positive that we can work things out if you still want to. > > I'm trying. And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that, right? It's just... this is a lot. > Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just say so. No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces and having to start from scratch every time. > > > For me too. Hopefully, you'll still want to keep walking this way. > > Seems like the road is a little more crowded, but yeah. I still want you. God, Doyle. I'm so sorry. I want so much to just... put my arms around you and make everything better again. > I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way towards making things better. You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say. > > > The next step was me telling you what my situation is now. You have to tell me how you feel about that before we can go any further. > > Still working on stunned, I think. I'm trying to picture it, and I want to, but I don't want to at the same time, and... confused might be another word. But I'm here. > Thanks. It means a lot to me that you are. I'm here for good. Well, you know, not HERE where I am, since that would be counter-productive. You know what I mean. > > Okay, I'm starting to think you're feeling guilty about this, and you shouldn't. I told you to move on, I stopped answering your email... you probably didn't have any reason to think you'd ever hear from me again. I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be alone. Wesley was right there, and he cared about you. You don't need to feel bad about it. If we're being totally honest, I'm not saying I'm thrilled. But I understand. It's okay. > I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy. Because I don't want to give up either of you. If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough? > > > My next question would be... how do you feel about threesomes? > > How does Wesley feel about threesomes? Somehow I think he'd be even less thrilled about the idea of sharing you than I am. Maybe a lot less, considering it's me. Does he even want me to come back at all? > I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it will make things... complicated. He's afraid of getting hurt again. Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your voice would help. > And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each other. Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel. Okay... I think I'm back at stunned. Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess they are now. He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how that translates into anything except what it is. I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how the hell is this going to work? Love you. - Angel __________ To: Angel From: Doyle Hi Angel, > > > > But that doesn't mean I don't love you or want you back. But it does make everything more... complicated. > > > Yeah, I guess it does. > > I got a way of making an understatement, huh? > You do. You really do. Least life is never boring. > > If you're mad, you're mad. And you have every right to be. I certainly aren't going to tell you not to be. Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it personally. More than I should I mean. > Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be. I don't want you to be mad at me, but if you are, I'd rather you let it out than bottle it up so you can brood over it later. > > > You're in love with him? > > Yeah. Still in love with you too. Like I said, complicated. > That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know... I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. You're not just what? Go ahead and say whatever you were going to, even if you don't think it makes much sense or that I'd want to hear it. I want to hear whatever you're thinking and if you're not sure what that is, I can help you figure it out. > > I guess not wanting to be mad is a good sign. But I still won't blame you if you are. > Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated, from my side, too, obviously. I never stopped loving you -- that's not something that's ever going to happen. In fact, Wes' feelings for you were part of what drew me to him in the first place. > > Do I still want you back? Absolutely. Why? Because I love you. More than that, I know what kind of man you are -- I've seen it. I'm not going to stop loving you or write you off because you made one mistake. We both know I've made my share of those too. > Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake, and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself. None of us are perfect -- I think we'd be a damn sight more boring if we were. Okay, this was a bigger misstep than usual, but we're working on fixing it. And who knows? In the end it might prove to be a lucky misstep. > > Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see it that way. > I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm trying to understand. Never thought I'd find myself in this situation. Having two people I want who want me back, I mean. I never thought I'd be in any of the other parts of this situation either, but those I think go more without saying. > > > The baby. Wow, typing that is... weird. Not bad-weird, but weird. > > Yeah, that's pretty much where I am on the whole baby issue myself. Weird about covers it. > Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or anything? Are you sick all the time? Tell me. I want to know. W&H medical gave me some kind of potion or medicine or something -- I think I'm happier not knowing exactly what it is -- but whatever it is, it works. Haven't been sick since I started taking it. At the moment the biggest thing I notice is that I get tired faster. > > > Still would have been a hell of a surprise. > > Well yeah. Try it from in here. > Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd probably freak out. Yeah, you would. I went through the whole finding out I'm half-demon/dying/coming back trapped in a computer/getting one of my best friends who happens to be a woman's body preparation course and even that doesn't really prepare a guy. Girl. Whatever I'm supposed to be now. > Did you? When you found out? Freak out? Not as much as you might have expected. Mostly, granted because I was so focused on you taking off and finding you that by the time I got around to freaking out over this it had sunk in when I wasn't looking and seemed... well, not normal, but something I could deal with. > I'm sorry I wasn't there. If you had been, I probably would have freaked as much as you. Wouldn't have had that annoying "Where is Angel?" question to distract me. So... silver lining maybe. > > > > > YES. Yes. I want to be, more than anything, if you'll have me. > > > > I'll have you, and gladly. The question is, will you still have me? > > > Yes. > > You have no idea how relieved I am to get that answer. > Did you really think you'd get a different one? I don't know. I'd hoped, but... Traditionally "by the way I'm sleeping with someone else" tends to be a big relationship ender after all. And mucking up what we had -- have -- would be a trick right up my alley. > > I've got some ideas about what I ideally would like to be the eventual arrangement but I may be overly optimistic. If so, I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and take what I can get. > What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some idea so I can start thinking about it. I don't know if anyone can say yes or no about this working at this point. What I'd most like to see, my ideal outcome from all this? Would be the three of us in some kind of relationship somehow. Not just me with you and me with Wes, but you and Wes together too. I *think* it's possible. But it's probably going to take a lot to get there. > > > There's a hell of a lot more between me and Wesley than you. You know that. I'll bet even if you and he hadn't... weren't together, he'd be pissed off for me for leaving. > > Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been left. There's issues there. > Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get right down to it. I think he's got it in his head that it's only a matter of time before I leave too. Kinda like how you are so sure that it's only a matter of time before you do something that chases me off. The two of you aren't so different. > > > But he's been part of this -- my life -- almost as long as you have. I don't want to lose that. > > I'm glad to hear that. I don't want you -- either of you -- to lose that either. > How's he feel about all this? Right now, he's still angry, but I'm pretty sure that's just because if he wasn't he'd have to deal with the fear that if he lets you back in, he'll end up getting hurt and rejected again. Not sure if he's aware of that being the reason why he's angry, but from where I sit, it's pretty damn clear. > > > Yeah, now I know. I can't say I blame him. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I'd be feeling too welcoming about him coming back either. And I have to respect him for caring more about what you want than what he wants, himself. > > He kinda takes that to extremes sometimes. And he's convinced he's "second choice" to you, which drives me crazy because he's not. Both of you are first choices and... Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't? > No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking. I'm thinking that I want to get it through Wesley's stubborn British skull that he's not and never has been second choice to me -- or to you for that matter. But I don't think I can do that alone. Not even sure I can do it with your help, but there's a better chance of it then. > > > What kind of detail? > > Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity. > So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel about any of it? I haven't actually brought up the threesome word to Wes yet, mostly due to the whole he's convinced I see him as a second choice thing. If I do suggest it, he isn't going to see it as my wanting both of you -- he's going to see it as my wanting you and not wanting to hurt him. I'm telling you, Angel, the boy is going to drive me right nuts with this second class citizen insistence he keeps doing. I've reason to believe, if we can get past those insecurities of Wesley's, that he wouldn't be adverse to the idea. But I'm pretty sure the first step towards that with him is going to have to come from you, not me. > > > And it's not that I don't believe what you're saying. You know that, right? It's just... this is a lot. > > Yeah I know. If you need some time before we talk about it more, just say so. > No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces and having to start from scratch every time. Well I'm laying as much of my cards on the table as I can here. > > I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way towards making things better. > You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say. You don't know how much I want to say that word. Really. > > I'm not sure I'll go so far as to say it's okay, but thank you. There was some guilt happening, as well as wondering when I got so greedy. Because I don't want to give up either of you. > If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough? Oh, don't you start with the insecurity too -- I can only handle one of you doing that at a time. I can't say the thought of adding Wesley to our mix didn't cross my mind back before you left, but not because you're not enough. God, Angel, for a very long time now my life has been pretty much focused on you in one way or the other -- and I wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't speculate about Wes because you weren't enough -- I speculated about Wes because I thought that what we have was MORE than enough to share with someone I know you have feelings for, and who has feelings for you. If anything, I figured I would be the odd man (or whatever) out. > > I think Wes is afraid for you to come back, and not just because it will make things... complicated. He's afraid of getting hurt again. > Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your voice would help. No, he doesn't. All he sees is that I was with you first, that I still love you and that in his mind makes him second choice. And god, yeah. Please call. I've still got my cell phone you gave me -- you remember the number, right? > > And for threesome, I'm not just talking about the two of you focused on me, although have to say that is not a horrible event for me to contemplate. I'm talking too about the two of you focused on each other. Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel. > Okay... I think I'm back at stunned. Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess they are now. He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how that translates into anything except what it is. You did get the part about him being scared, right? And hell, Angel, of course he's mad at you. I'm mad at you too. Or at least I was. Not so much anymore. But when Wes stops being mad he has to move on to dealing with his other feelings about you. Easier to just try and stay angry. > I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how the hell is this going to work? Why? Because I love the both of you and I know you care for each other. This is the only thing I can come up with that someone doesn't end up hurt and on the outside. How? Never said it was going to be easy, but I think it's doable. Otherwise I wouldn't be blathering on about it like I am. > Love you. Love you too. Always. Doyle __________ To: Doyle From: Angel Hi Doyle. > > > I got a way of making an understatement, huh? > > You do. You really do. > Least life is never boring. Would it be ungrateful of me to say that I wouldn't mind boring? At least for a little while? > > > Go on, be mad with me. Say whatever you need to say. I won't take it personally. More than I should I mean. > > Do you really want me to be mad at you? I don't want to be. > I don't want you to be mad at me, but if you are, I'd rather you let it out than bottle it up so you can brood over it later. I'm not mad at you. I think. I feel... I don't know, something, but it's not mad. > > > Like I said, complicated. > > That's one word for it. Are you sure you're not just... I don't know... I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. > You're not just what? Go ahead and say whatever you were going to, even if you don't think it makes much sense or that I'd want to hear it. I want to hear whatever you're thinking and if you're not sure what that is, I can help you figure it out. Trying not to be lonely? Which makes it sound like I don't think you or anyone would want Wesley otherwise, which I hope you know isn't what I actually think. Or maybe hedging your bets, so that if things with me or Wesley don't work out, you won't be alone? And I don't mean that in a bad way -- I wouldn't blame you if that was what you were trying to do, consciously or unconsciously. > > Really, all I want is for you to tell me that you didn't go to Wesley because you stopped loving me. Even though at the time I kind of wanted you to stop loving me, so that you could be happy. It IS complicated, from my side, too, obviously. > I never stopped loving you -- that's not something that's ever going to happen. Good. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had, but I'm glad you didn't. > In fact, Wes' feelings for you were part of what drew me to him in the first place. Because he and I were friends? Or because he, you know, loved me? Did he, really? Does he? How do you know? > > Yeah, well, I've made MORE than my share. This wasn't my first mistake, and it probably won't be my last. Are you going to be able to forgive me next time? Because I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself. > None of us are perfect -- I think we'd be a damn sight more boring if we were. Okay, this was a bigger misstep than usual, but we're working on fixing it. And who knows? In the end it might prove to be a lucky misstep. I don't know about lucky, but I'll be happy if we can get past it. > > > Wes and you, it's not an either or situation for me. I just can't see it that way. > > I hear what you're saying. Not sure how we'll deal with it, but I'm trying to understand. > Never thought I'd find myself in this situation. Having two people I want who want me back, I mean. I never thought I'd be in any of the other parts of this situation either, but those I think go more without saying. I know I'm probably biased, but I can't imagine anyone knowing you and NOT wanting you. Assuming you were, you know, the kind of person they were attracted to. > > Is it? I mean, does it FEEL weird? Can you feel it yet? Moving, or anything? Are you sick all the time? Tell me. I want to know. > W&H medical gave me some kind of potion or medicine or something -- I think I'm happier not knowing exactly what it is -- but whatever it is, it works. Haven't been sick since I started taking it. At the moment the biggest thing I notice is that I get tired faster. The feeling sick thing is supposed to pass after the first trimester anyway, so after that you might feel okay even without the potion. I've been reading some stuff. Trying to make up for what I'm missing. Just make sure you get enough sleep, okay? And don't overdo it. Take care of yourself. > > Part of me wishes I could, even if, to be perfectly honest, I think I'd probably freak out. > Yeah, you would. I went through the whole finding out I'm half-demon/dying/coming back trapped in a computer/getting one of my best friends who happens to be a woman's body preparation course and even that doesn't really prepare a guy. Girl. Whatever I'm supposed to be now. You're whatever you think you are. You're in a woman's body, but that doesn't mean you're a woman, not if you don't feel like one. Whatever you feel is okay. We'll figure it out. It might take some time, but we will. > > Did you? When you found out? > Freak out? Not as much as you might have expected. Mostly, granted because I was so focused on you taking off and finding you that by the time I got around to freaking out over this it had sunk in when I wasn't looking and seemed... well, not normal, but something I could deal with. I hope you aren't just saying that to make me feel better. > > I'm sorry I wasn't there. > If you had been, I probably would have freaked as much as you. Wouldn't have had that annoying "Where is Angel?" question to distract me. So... silver lining maybe. Maybe. I still I wish I'd stayed. > I don't know. I'd hoped, but... Traditionally "by the way I'm sleeping with someone else" tends to be a big relationship ender after all. Not if you still love me. That's what matters. I won't lie and say I'm happy about it, but I want you more than it matters that you've been sleeping with Wesley. And, hard as it is, I'm glad that you haven't been alone. > And mucking up what we had -- have -- would be a trick right up my alley. Doyle -- what went wrong was MY fault. Not yours. You didn't have any hand in how things went, and I'd hate to think you were blaming yourself for ANY of it. You didn't do anything wrong. Believe me. > > What are you thinking? I can't say yes or no until I know. I'm not saying I'll be able to say right away anyway, but at least give me some idea so I can start thinking about it. > I don't know if anyone can say yes or no about this working at this point. What I'd most like to see, my ideal outcome from all this? Would be the three of us in some kind of relationship somehow. Not just me with you and me with Wes, but you and Wes together too. I *think* it's possible. But it's probably going to take a lot to get there. I guess I can see how it might be possible. Complicated -- we seem to use that word a lot, don't we, especially considering how much I don't like it -- but possible. Although it depends on Wesley, too, not just on us. > > > Yeah, probably. I get the feeling it's not the first time he's been left. There's issues there. > > Heck, it's not even the first time he's been left by ME, when you get right down to it. > I think he's got it in his head that it's only a matter of time before I leave too. Kinda like how you are so sure that it's only a matter of time before you do something that chases me off. The two of you aren't so different. I guess not. I usually think we are, what with him being so smart and everything. I'm willing to do what it takes to convince him things will work out this time, whatever that might be. > > How's he feel about all this? > Right now, he's still angry, but I'm pretty sure that's just because if he wasn't he'd have to deal with the fear that if he lets you back in, he'll end up getting hurt and rejected again. Not sure if he's aware of that being the reason why he's angry, but from where I sit, it's pretty damn clear. Sounds like him. But again, if it's what you think is best, I'll do whatever I can to prove to him that it'll be different this time. I miss him, too, you know. Not the same way I miss you, but I do. > > > Are you ready for me to talk about all this? Would you prefer I didn't? > > No, go ahead. I want to know what you're thinking. > I'm thinking that I want to get it through Wesley's stubborn British skull that he's not and never has been second choice to me -- or to you for that matter. But I don't think I can do that alone. Not even sure I can do it with your help, but there's a better chance of it then. Tell me what to do, then. What should I say? I think I'm going to need some guidance or chances are good I'll say the worst possible thing and just screw everything up again, and that's pretty close to the last thing I want to do. Am I supposed to say he's my first choice? Because I'm not sure I can do that. I can tell him he's important to me, and that I don't want to lose him. I can even tell him I've always been attracted to him. But I think he and I are going to need some more time to work things out before the not-second-thing is true. For him, too -- I'm sure if he was given the choice, he'd have me stay away and just keep you for himself, and again, I can't say that I blame him. > > > Well that threesome question wasn't idle curiosity. > > So tell me more. What do you want to have happen? How does Wes feel about any of it? > I haven't actually brought up the threesome word to Wes yet, mostly due to the whole he's convinced I see him as a second choice thing. If I do suggest it, he isn't going to see it as my wanting both of you -- he's going to see it as my wanting you and not wanting to hurt him. I'm telling you, Angel, the boy is going to drive me right nuts with this second class citizen insistence he keeps doing. I've reason to believe, if we can get past those insecurities of Wesley's, that he wouldn't be adverse to the idea. But I'm pretty sure the first step towards that with him is going to have to come from you, not me. Okay. I can talk to him about it. But I think a lot of it's going to have to wait until he and I can have some time together in person, time to work through stuff. > > No, I'd rather have everything laid out on the table, you know? I think it's easier that way, instead of getting it in little bits and pieces and having to start from scratch every time. > Well I'm laying as much of my cards on the table as I can here. We'll work it out, Doyle. I promise. > > > I think having your arms around me right now would go a long way towards making things better. > > You just say the word and I'm there. You know that, right? I mean, I get why it might not be such a good idea for me to come back before we get some of this straightened out, but if you need me, you just say. > You don't know how much I want to say that word. Really. Then say it. Just say it. Okay, no. I mean, I want you to, but don't do it until you're ready. > > If I'd stayed, when we found out... do you think you would have had feelings for Wesley? Would I not have been enough? > Oh, don't you start with the insecurity too -- I can only handle one of you doing that at a time. Sorry. I'll try to keep reminding myself that you still want me. God knows that's way more than I deserve. > I can't say the thought of adding Wesley to our mix didn't cross my mind back before you left, but not because you're not enough. God Angel, for a very long time now my life has been pretty much focused on you in one way or the other -- and I wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't speculate about Wes because you weren't enough -- I speculated about Wes because I thought that what we have was MORE than enough to share with someone I know you have feelings for, and who has feelings for you. If anything, I figured I would be the odd man (or whatever) out. That's the last thing you'll ever be. We both need you, isn't that obvious? And I can't say the thought isn't appealing... > > Does he not get that he has the upper hand here? I mean, he's the one who stayed. He's the one who's actually with you now, instead of just talking to you. Typing to you. Speaking... writing of which, can I call you? Maybe not right away, but soon? I think being able to hear your voice would help. > No, he doesn't. All he sees is that I was with you first, that I still love you and that in his mind makes him second choice. No wonder he's having such a hard time with this. > And god, yeah. Please call. I've still got my cell phone you gave me -- you remember the number, right? Okay. I don't have a phone here -- I'm actually at one of these internet cafe places, and there's no phone where I've been staying -- but I'll find a phone somewhere and call you in a little while. It's not too late, and if you're home reading this then you'll know it's me calling. If you're not home, I'll try again tomorrow. Every hour, maybe. And of course I remember the number. I probably still would have remembered it ten years from now. Twenty. > > > Because Wes doesn't just love me. He loves you too, Angel. > > Okay... I think I'm back at stunned. Don't get me wrong -- I already told you that I thought me and Wes might have... you know, if things had been different. Which I guess they are now. He's mad at me. He doesn't want me to come back. I'm not getting how that translates into anything except what it is. > You did get the part about him being scared, right? I did. I know. I'll try to convince him that he doesn't have to be, if I can figure out some way to do that. > And hell, Angel, of course he's mad at you. I'm mad at you too. Or at least I was. Not so much anymore. But when Wes stops being mad he has to move on to dealing with his other feelings about you. Easier to just try and stay angry. I get what you're saying. And... there's time, you know? He can stay mad at me for a while if that's what he needs to do. I'll still be here. > > I'm not saying no. You get that, right? I'm just saying... why? And how the hell is this going to work? > Why? Because I love the both of you and I know you care for each other. This is the only thing I can come up with that someone doesn't end up hurt and on the outside. How? Never said it was going to be easy, but I think it's doable. Otherwise I wouldn't be blathering on about it like I am. You're not blathering. You make more sense than anybody I've ever known. > > Love you. > Love you too. Always. I'm hitting send and then I'm going to go find a phone. - Angel Next Part Main Page Send Feedback