"Oh, I think you are, sir," Ford said.

"There, you see?" Rodney said, getting a hand under the Major's arm and hauling him to his feet. "When even the drunk person knows that you're too drunk, it's a pretty good sign that you're done." Ford had had a bottle of vodka stashed away and had asked the team if they wanted to share it. Teyla had declined, Rodney had had one shot, and Ford and the Major had killed the rest of the bottle between them.

"Do you want some help with him?" Ford asked. Of course, Ford was barely able to stand up on his own, so any help coming from him would undoubtedly be of the unhelpful sort.

"No, no, I'm fine," Rodney said. "Make sure to drink at least a couple of litres of water before you pass out," he added, dragging Major Sheppard toward the door of Ford's quarters. "And the next time you decide to have one of these impromptu parties, maybe you should think twice before inviting the Major."

"Hey!" Major Sheppard said, lifting his head and trying to get his feet to work with little success. "You shouldn't try to get me kicked off guest lists. It's not nice."

Rodney frowned as they stepped out into the hallway. "'Not nice' is how you're going to feel in the morning when you've got a raging hangover," he said impatiently. "Trying to prevent you from indulging in the kind of behavior that results in said hangover is most definitely nice. You should be thanking me."

"Thanking you?" The Major tripped and almost fell, wrenching Rodney's shoulder in a way that had probably caused tendon damage. "For what?"

"For being nice," Rodney reminded him. 

"Why are you being nice?" Sheppard asked. 

"Because you really didn't give me any other option," Rodney said. "I was hardly going to leave you in Lieutenant Ford's quarters. He's almost as drunk as you are." A terrible thought occurred to him. "You aren't going to be sick, are you?"

"What? Pphhh. No." Sheppard shook his head, tripped again, and staggered back to a mostly upright position with one arm around Rodney's shoulders. "I seem to be having some trouble walking, though."

"You really do." Rodney had his arm around the Major's waist, but it was starting to become clear that that wasn't enough. They went about four more steps before Sheppard's ability to support himself even slightly vanished. "Jesus!" Rodney yelped, as the Major slid toward the floor. "Give a guy a little warning, would you?" By hanging on tightly, he managed to keep Sheppard from hitting the floor, but it was a close thing.

"Just leave me here," Sheppard muttered.

"Oh, for God's sake," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "This isn't the battlefield, Major. I don't need to live you behind to save my own skin." He flexed his hand. "My tendons might be another matter..."

Sheppard mumbled something else, and Rodney sighed and did the only other thing he could think of -- he bent at the knees and slung Major Sheppard over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, hoping beyond hope that the Major wasn't going to throw up down his back.

"McKay?" Sheppard managed after a minute. He was surprisingly heavy considering he wasn't all that big, Rodney thought, feeling a prickle of sweat break out on his brow.

"Yes, Major?"

"Are you carrying me?" Sheppard sounded confused from his position, dangling down along Rodney's back.

"Yes, Major," Rodney said wearily. 

"Oh." There was a thoughtful pause. "Did anyone ever tell you you have a really nice ass?"

"I hardly see how that's any of your business," Rodney said. "If you'd wanted to do me a favor, you could have chosen quarters that were closer to Lieutenant Ford's."

Sheppard began to struggle. "I don't want to go back to my quarters!"

Rodney sighed and shifted his grip somewhat. "I can't imagine why not. You're probably going to be unconscious in another twenty minutes anyway."

"I don't want to!" The Major struggled more, and Rodney almost dropped him.

"Too bad," he said stubbornly, but he let Sheppard slide back down onto his own two feet, propping him up against the wall and looking at him sternly. "You are going back to your quarters and you're going to sleep this off."

Sheppard smiled. "I'll make a deal with you."

Rodney wondered, not for the first time that night, why he hadn't just stayed in the lab. "What kind of deal?" he asked, trying to sound more patient than he felt.

"I'll go back to my quarters if you'll come to bed with me," Sheppard said, looking hopeful.

Rodney couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Yes, okay, fine. If you'll go back to your quarters, I'll have sex with you. Are you happy now?"

Still smiling, Sheppard nodded. "Yes. Okay, let's go."

Thankfully, it wasn't a lot farther to Major Sheppard's quarters, and they managed to get there without either of them falling down. Rodney slapped the button outside the door and dragged the Major inside, practically dropping him onto his bed. That turned out to be a mistake, because Sheppard grabbed onto the front of Rodney's shirt on his way down and pulled Rodney with him. They ended up in a tangle of limbs on the bed with Rodney mostly on top of the Major, which wasn't good, because Sheppard was way too drunk to know what he was doing, and the last thing Rodney wanted was to get beat up tomorrow for taking advantage of him.

"Okay," Rodney said calmly. "You're very, very drunk. Just... let go of me..." He tried to pry the Major's hands from his shirt, but he couldn't really do that and support his own weight at the same time. It was very awkward.

"You said you'd have sex with me," Sheppard reminded him, and Rodney felt the proof that Sheppard wasn't -- at that moment, at least -- kidding against his thigh.

"Um... right. Look, just let me get you a glass of water first..." By the look on the Major's face, he was going to be unconscious very soon, so all Rodney had to do was stall until he passed out and then hope Sheppard wouldn't remember any of this in the morning so they'd both be spared the embarrassment of having to talk about it.

Sheppard's hands were on Rodney's ass, and Rodney felt his own body respond to the contact. It had been way too long since he'd had sex, and the Major had been the star of one too many fantasies for it to be easy to let this opportunity slip away. 

"Come on," Rodney said, reminding himself how little he enjoyed having things like black eyes and broken noses. "Let go... okay, good." Sheppard's hands went slowly limp as he fell asleep, and Rodney fumbled his way to his feet and stood looking down at the man, whose mouth was hanging open and who had already started to snore. "I really, really hope you aren't going to remember this tomorrow," Rodney said softly. 

Before he left, he got a glass of water and set it beside the bed, then glanced back and went to pull a blanket up over Major Sheppard.

Rodney didn't see the Major the next day, which was actually a relief. By the time the dinner hour had come and gone -- punctuated by two power bars and a bottle of water -- he'd totally forgotten about the night before, and it wasn't until he heard a sound and glanced up to see Major Sheppard leaning against the wall that he realized Zelenka had left for the day and he was alone in the lab.

"Hi," Sheppard said.

"Hi," Rodney said. He glanced back down at his computer quickly, hoping that if he appeared to be busy Sheppard would go away. 

"Working on anything interesting?" Sheppard asked after a minute, coming further into the lab and moving behind Rodney, looking at the computer screen.

"If it wasn't interesting, I wouldn't be working on it," Rodney said. "I tend to leave the boring jobs for the people that aren't as smart as I am." He'd gone from relaxed to tense in no time flat. "Look, about last night -- "

"Yeah, that's why I'm here," Sheppard said, putting a hand on Rodney's hip.

Rodney jumped, whirling around and backing away from the Major, who had yet another one of those hard-to-read expressions on his face. "I... what..."

"I seem to remember you making me a promise last night," Sheppard said, coming toward him.

"You... I..." Rodney couldn't put words together. "You were very, very drunk," he managed.

"Yeah, I was. Doesn't mean I don't intend to hold you to our little agreement." Sheppard moved forward at the same speed Rodney was backing away.

Rodney's voice was quavering when he spoke again. "Are you on something?"

That brought the Major up short; he held out his hands. "No," he said. "No, I'm not on anything. And I'm not drunk."

"And you still want to...?" Rodney's body was already betraying him, his dick starting to get hard inside his pants. "I... I thought you were just drunk."

"Oh, I was," Sheppard said. "Like you said... very, very drunk. But that's not why I wanted to go to bed with you." He moved closer, until his mouth was inches away from Rodney's. His eyes were an interesting combination of green and brown, Rodney noted. "I was a good boy and went back to my quarters like I was supposed to." Sheppard's voice was a hush, soft and cajoling. It made Rodney harder. "You aren't going to disappoint me, now, are you?"

Rodney closed his eyes as Sheppard's lips touched his, shivering when Sheppard's tongue darted out to add moisture. He didn't move forward into the kiss, but he participated as best he could from where he was, letting Sheppard be responsible for what was happening because he was still a little too busy freaking out in a silent but, he thought, fairly spectacular way.

Sheppard pulled back, and Rodney opened his eyes. "Is this okay?" the Major asked. His hand was on Rodney's hip again, thumb stroking gently back and forth. "I was just kidding, before. About you disappointing me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be disappointed, but I don't want you doing anything you don't want to do. Especially this."

"I don't... I..." Rodney glanced toward the door, remembering where they were. "We're in the lab. Anyone could come in."

"I don't care," Sheppard said. He leaned in for another kiss, and this time Rodney responded, pressing forward eagerly, confused but not unhappy. He liked how Sheppard tasted, and the way his lips moved, and after another minute Rodney stopped caring that someone might walk in and find them kissing like teenagers.

He started caring again when Sheppard's hand slid around to his ass, though; he gasped and jerked his head back, eyes wide, searching Sheppard's like he'd find an answer there that he needed.

Sheppard nodded, even though Rodney hadn't said anything. "You want to go back to my place? I promise I won't pass out on you this time."

"I..." Rodney's eyes darted back and forth, his breath quick, lips pressed thin. "My place is closer," he said, and Sheppard smiled, warm and welcoming. It should have been everything Rodney wanted, as far as reassurance went, but he couldn't stop remembering where they were. "You go ahead. I'll be there in a couple of minutes. I just need to, um... wrap up a few things here."

"You sure?" Sheppard's other hand came up and cupped the side of Rodney's face.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Just give me a couple of minutes."

"Okay." Sheppard turned and went, the door shushing closed behind him, and Rodney leaned against the wall, telling himself very firmly that it was time to get a grip. He wanted this, there was nothing wrong with wanting it, and anyone who didn't like it could go to hell. 

It still took him longer than it should have to get himself together; he shut down his computer with hands that only trembled a little bit, made sure he hadn't let anything out that he shouldn't have, and went straight to his quarters.

Directly. To his quarters.

Sheppard was inside, waiting for him, hands at his sides. Rodney was across the room and in his arms before the door had even closed, the two of them kissing as desperately as if they'd never have another chance. "Major," Rodney breathed, when Sheppard's hands had slid down to his ass again.

"Don't you think this would be the time for you to start calling me John?" Sheppard asked, and Rodney grabbed onto the back of his neck and kissed him again.

They shed their clothes without anything resembling grace, stumbling their way to the narrow bed and falling down onto it, mouths hard and uncoordinated against each other. Rodney's teeth found Sheppard's shoulder and bit, tasting salt, and John shuddered and thrust upward, his cock slicking Rodney's hip. 

"Do you want to fuck me?" John asked, his voice raspy. It was the sexiest thing Rodney had ever heard, and he groaned against Sheppard's throat.

"Yes. I... yes. Yes. Are you sure?" Even as he asked the question, his mind was racing, pointing out that he didn't have any lubricant, although he was pretty sure he had some condoms stashed away somewhere in the bathroom. Not that he couldn't have gone to Beckett for condoms -- it seemed impossible that the doctor wouldn't have brought a supply, considering.

"Hey," John said, both hands on Rodney's face, and Rodney focused on him. "Where'd you go?"

"Here. Right here." Rodney grimaced. "Sorry. I started thinking."

"That's never a good thing," Sheppard said. He rubbed his thumb over Rodney's lower lip. "Well, sometimes it is."

"It's not that I don't want to," Rodney said. "It's just that..."

"There are issues," Sheppard said, sounding resigned. "How you'll feel in the morning, whether you want to get involved with someone like me. Yeah. I get it." He started to sit up, trying to dislodge Rodney.

Rodney pushed him back down. "What do you mean, someone like you?" he demanded, spurred on by a flash of anger at the thought that Sheppard didn't value himself more than that. "Why the hell wouldn't I want to get involved with someone like you? You're a fucking hero, for God's sake."

Sheppard looked surprised, but he stayed where he was. "Heroes get themselves killed," he said softly.

"People who are stupid enough to volunteer for missions like this one get themselves killed," Rodney corrected him. "We're both here. Deal with it." He got up, frustrated, running a hand through his hair and not caring that he was naked. "And for your information, what I was thinking about was the fact that I didn't have any, you know... supplies." He gestured as if that would make it clear to John what he was talking about.

"You mean..." John's green eyes widened. "Oh." He sat up, looking sheepish now, which was pretty appropriate, considering. "Guess I jumped the gun a little, huh."

"Yeah, well, better that than waiting too long to pull the trigger," Rodney said, sitting down next to him. It was an admission of the ways they were different. After a minute, he reached out and patted Sheppard's bare knee, the touch turning into a caress. It was weird how that seemed natural. He watched as his hand slowly slid up John's thigh. Glanced up to watch John's face as his fingers brushed against the smooth, hot skin of John's erect cock, the way John's lips parted, the way his eyes glazed over. "Want to start again?" Rodney asked.

Sheppard spread his thighs, leaning back and bracing his hands on the bed behind him, biting on his lower lip as Rodney touched him. "That'd... oh, yeah. That'd be good."

It had been a long time -- a really long time -- since Rodney had touched a cock that wasn't his own. "Just like riding a bicycle," he murmured, squeezing, and John made a sound that was half laugh, half groan., so Rodney tightened his grip again.

"Fuck," John gasped, turning suddenly toward him, and then they were kissing again, and John's hand closed around Rodney's cock and started up a slow stroking movement that had Rodney groaning into John's mouth in two point three seconds flat. "God, I wish you could fuck me." John mumbled the words, but they sounded genuinely regretful.

Rodney ran his thumb along the ridge under the head of John's dick. "There's always next time," he said lamely, but it must have been the right thing to say, because John relaxed a little bit and nodded.

"C'mere," John said. He lay down, drawing Rodney with him, their legs in a tangle as they fumbled to find a comfortable position. "These beds are too small," he complained.

"It doesn't matter," Rodney said. It didn't, not when John's hand was wrapped around his tight, aching flesh. They kissed some more, finding their way from awkward into a sort of rhythm, lips and tongues and hands all working together to draw sounds from them both that Rodney suspected anyone walking by outside would have been able to hear.

That didn't matter, either.

"Oh Jesus," he muttered when John's teeth found his lower lip and bit down, feeling his cock throb in John's hand. "Wait, wait, hang on, just..."

"What?" John mumbled, licking a wet trail up the side of Rodney's neck. "It's okay to come, McKay. I want you to." His voice was low and rough, like sandpaper, and it made Rodney crazy.

He curled his fingers into Sheppard's hair and yanked, inhaling John's startled sound at the beginning of a kiss that was more tongue than anything else as Rodney's cock slicked John's hand with pre-come. He felt too big for his skin, like he was going to split open, his breath coming in harsh gasps as he shoved into John's grip, trembling and groaning.

John rubbed his cheek against Rodney's and murmured, "Come on, Rodney. Come on..." and Rodney did, crying out as he spilled himself over John's hand and thigh and belly, the pleasure of it so overwhelming that he could barely keep his own fingers wrapped around John as he shuddered and rode it out.

"God," Rodney said finally. "Yeah. Yeah, that was..." He looked into Sheppard's smiling eyes and was struck by a sudden urge to taste more than just his mouth. "Here, let me..."

He slid down, practically on his hands and knees near the end of the bed, and mouthed at John's erection, feeling its heat and the thin, fragile skin. John groaned and flexed, pushing his cock against Rodney's lips. Rodney licked the tip, heard John groan again, and took as much of it into his mouth as he could, sucking and moving his lips up and down the shaft. He swiped his fingers through his own come on John's belly and teased two of them over the skin behind John's balls. John's breath caught once, twice, and then he moaned and came into Rodney's mouth, thin and salty tasting.

Rodney didn't stop until John had shuddered one last time and then gone limp underneath him. Then he let John's cock slip from between his lips and lay down beside him again, the two of them struggling for a minute to find a balance between cuddle and comfort. They finally settled with John's back to Rodney's chest, one of Rodney's arms tucked under his own head and the other around John's waist, hand stroking over the skin lightly.

"That was nice," Rodney offered hoarsely, when his heart had slowed down enough so that he no longer felt that he was at risk of having a coronary.

"Yeah," John said. "It was." He sounded content, but after a fairly short period of silence, he turned around, squirming in Rodney's arms until they were facing each other. "Tell me you didn't just do this because of last night."

"Yes, of course I did; I always agree to sleep with people as a means of getting them to go home when they're hopelessly intoxicated," Rodney said. "I've often found sex to be a particularly effective method of bribery." 

John looked relieved and leaned forward to kiss him. "I like you," he said, with their noses touching. "A lot."

Something that had been tightening in Rodney's chest loosened. "I like you, too. Of course, there are also times when I find you extremely irritating..."

John kissed him again. "Stop while you're ahead," he advised, grinning.

"Yes. Yes, you're right. Stopping now," Rodney said, sliding his hand down John's back to his ass and pulling him closer before capturing his mouth in a longer, deeper kiss. He'd already forgotten what it was he was supposed to be stopping, and he wasn't sure he cared.