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By Jessica Dwyer Movies and television are a big part of my life if you hadn’t noticed. I’m an addict and I’ll admit it freely. I have a large section of my brain dedicated to so much pop culture and film/TV knowledge that people where I work think I’m some sort of Rain Man type when I start spouting off stuff. I’ve just always been this way, this stuff is a part of me, like it or not. Which is why I’m more than a little worried about my two fave things going lame, which if you’ve noticed is starting to slowly become a reality. Remakes or re-imaging’s are popping up everywhere, both of TV and in film. And the trend is disturbing. Many moons ago Gus Van Sant decided he needed to rework perfection with a redo of Psycho. He wanted to give a new take on one of Hitchcock’s greats. Why? I really don’t know. It’s like saying to Da Vinci “Hey, can I give Mona Lisa there a make over?” But it happened. I rented it, and low and behold…it was nearly scene for scene the Hitchcock film in color with different actors. What the hell? What was the point of this? For one thing Psycho in black and white is far creepier than Psycho in color. It adds to the whole feel of the film, it’s starkness. Seeing this redone in color with different actors is just distracting. There was no need for it for one thing. Psycho is and forever will be one of the glittering black jewels in Hitchcock’s crown of mystery. There simply was no need for this happen. Then came Planet of the Apes. Admittedly Tim Burton made some changes to the story, to the point that it was different from the original. But why do this? The originals were great stories that had a message about man’s inhumanity to man and racism, atomic power falling into the wrong hands, etc. etc. The new version was…well…we had Helena Bonham Carter looking disturbingly like Michael Jackson if he were a female ape, and she had the hots for Markey Mark (frankly I don’t know which of these is the more disturbing.) Once again, perfection was tainted by one of Burton’s lesser creations. Now we have The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Stepford Wives, Dawn of the Dead, The Ring, The Grudge, and many more. All of them remakes of far superior films. Has Hollywood lost any originality that it had left? These aren’t the same as a sequel. These are movies who just rehash the same thing that was done better before and try to pawn it off to us as an homage to the original (sometimes, sometimes they just don’t care.) Dawn of the Dead, the new version was an okay movie. But it was obviously done to capitalize on the popularity of 28 Days Later along with the classic Romero version. Somehow in the middle it becomes 28 Days Later as the zombies who were before sorta shuffling, discover Red Bull and are now Olympic runners. If I had never heard of Dawn of the Dead by George Romero, or if this movie had a different title I’d probably have enjoyed it more as a stand alone picture. But the original film is by far the better, if not best zombie film ever made. And this re-make or whatever you call it, just can’t touch it. I just am so irritated by this laziness on Hollywood’s part as well as these writers and directors who don’t have a single ounce of business touching the name and history of some of these classic movies. It’s a cop out, and it’s stupid. And now television is getting into the act, as it has been trying to do for a few years now. Apparently the networks are getting lazy and deciding to just pull ideas out of the vault. Let me say this right now…I don’t want hacks re-imagining my shows and trying to OC them for a younger audience. Screw that right now!! The one that stands out in my mind heavily was The WB’s failed attempt at bringing about a new version of Dark Shadows after staking Angel through the heart. They cast it with actors who were way too young in my opinion (you know, for that almighty demographic). Probably going to move Collinwood to some part of Southern California, just for the ambiance but I can’t swear to that. They made a pilot and apparently it was so bad it was shelved. Goes to show that sometimes the TV gods are on your side, but only sometimes. Dragnet with Ed O’Neil wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t Joe Friday old school either. They actually added younger cast members to help the ratings (as well as adding a bit to the name), instead of moving it to a decent time slot. The show died. Once again, don’t mess with a classic. Now I’ve heard they are trying to make a new version of Kolchak: The Nightstalker. DO NOT TOUCH MY DARREN MCGAVIN YOU BASTARDS!!!! Why in the name of God do they feel the need to do this?? WHY??? Can’t they think of anything new ?? This show, if must be done, has to keep Carl the way McGavin played him. He needs to be on the hump side of 40 and a smartass in a rumpled suit. But what do you think they’ll do? They’ll make him some 27 year old newly hired reporter who happens to be played by a model. (disgusted sigh inserted here.) If it was done right I wouldn’t mind this, because Kolchak was taking away far too soon. It’s an awesome concept and great show. Who should play Carl in my version of remade Kolchak you ask I’d go with Jeffrey Combs or Steve Buscemi. They are both the right age with that same nervous energy and smarm that would work. But who did they pick? Stuart Townsend! Lestat? The guy who played Dorian Grey in LXG? Yeah….he can pull off a middle aged bitter reporter. What the hell is going on? I’m just a bit confused here. Let’s see how this one pans out shall we? The newest soon to be made film redo is The Hitcher. The Hitcher is probably one of the most disturbing, scary flicks to come out of the 80’s. It’s perfect…Rutger Hauer ruled in this movie and now they have to redo the entire thing???!! It’s bad enough they got Jake Busey in the sequel that just came out (which sucked and was totally unnecessary by itself) direct to video. This is another classic that it seems the studios want to taint with a remake and milk dry for some fast cash. (sigh) Why does Hollywood feel the need to do this? Are there really no more original ideas left? So what’s next? Casablanca? Maybe Gone with the Wind (the Timothy Dalton as Rhett Butler mini-series Scarlet doesn’t count) I mean it’s pretty ridiculous how far this is going…how lame and misguided this has become. If it’s a classic, leave it alone.
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The
Remake Rant
