Friday

I’m supposed to write in this stupid book.  Kagome says that it’s “good for me.”  I can think of better things to do with my time than sit here, writing out my thoughts.  Gods… I have terrible handwriting.  I just paused to read back what I wrote and I can barely understand it.  Not that I care, but shit… look at that stuff I’m scrawling.  It looks nothing like the writing I did when mother taught me my characters.  I guess I’m a little out of practice.  She always had such beautiful characters.  Look at mine!  Great… Chalk that up to another reason why I’m a pathetic loser.  But is that really a reason worthy of my pathetic-ness… because my handwriting sucks?  Shit…

Kagome informs me that I should be writing about my day as well as my thoughts.  Whoopee!  Can’t you just hear the enthusiasm?  Here’s my day… I woke up a little before dawn and waited by the well until Kagome came back around noon.  I yelled at her for being late.  She then cried and I yelled some more.  Then Miroku hit me with his staff and it left a huge welt that still hurts to touch.  I went away until dinnertime when my stomach betrayed me and I ended up back at the camp.  Kagome said she was sorry for being late and I kinda, sorta admitted that I was sorry too.  She smiled at me… and gave me this book and a pencil.  There’s my day up until now so I guess I’m done.  Later!

Saturday

Pencils are a stupid invention!  “Click click” and the little lead comes out.  If you press too hard it snaps off and hits you in the eye.  I think I’ve figured out what’s wrong with my handwriting.  I watched Kagome write and she holds the pencil differently.  Maybe that’s because she didn’t learn by holding a brush.  Brushes make better characters because they are thicker.  Characters in pencil look thin and pathetic.

I saw Kagome bathing today.  I didn’t mean to, but she started to undress by the hot spring without noticing me nearby.  I made no move to change my view, even though a tree branch was a bit in my way.  When the breeze stirred the leaves… Maybe I shouldn’t be writing about this.  She may see this and get mad at me.  Hell, I don’t care.  It was kinda nice.  Maybe I should sit near the hot spring more often.  The rest of my day didn’t really compare.  We walked a lot, looking for leads on fragments.

Sunday

We found another fragment.  It was in this young woman who had been abandoned by her lover.  She became obsessed with hurting men she found.  She used the fragment to make the hurting she inflicted really bad.  We defeated her.  She went off and became a nun.  Strange part was; she used her powers to make men believe that their worst nightmares had come true.  When she touched Shippou, he thought he was alone in the world and cried for hours.  Miroku thought he was being completely consumed by his void.  And I… you know I half expected to see Kikyou with an arrow aimed at my chest… but that’s not what I saw.  I saw Kagome’s blood on my hands.  It felt so real that it scared the shit out of me.  I could feel her hot blood slide down my wrists to my forearm.  I could see her eyes looking at me, filled with shocked betrayal.  I felt my heart rip in half, knowing it was I who did it to her.  Gods… That really hurt to write.  I feel a little empty now that they are written in the book and not stuck in my head.

Monday

As I’m writing this I’m watching Kagome bathe.  She doesn’t know I’m here… At least, I don’t think she knows I’m here.  She seems to sense me every other time I’m around.  I wonder why not now?  Maybe she’s distracted by her need to bathe.  She looks good.  The way the water shimmers on her skin is nice.

I can’t stop thinking about my vision from yesterday.  I wonder if her life would somehow be better without me.  She would be safer.  But I’ve tried that… and she wouldn’t go.  She cares for me, and I’m afraid it will get her killed… like Kikyou.

She is staring in my direction.  I wonder if she really can’t sense me watching her.  I wonder a lot of things… Maybe she doesn’t really know.  She’s touching her breast.  I don’t think she would do that if I were around.  Or…

Monday, late

Sorry I left off there.  I was a little distracted.  She started touching herself and I couldn’t help but watch.  I’ve never seen anyone do that.  She seemed to really enjoy it.  Hell. I was enjoying it too… but then Miroku and Sango showed up.  Kagome slipped away and I followed her.

She turned to me and didn’t seem to be surprised to see me.  “Sorry…” she whispered.

“What for?” I asked.

She blushed and looked away.  I really wonder about her sometimes.  I thought for sure she would be angry with me for watching… but she didn’t mention it.

When we got back to camp and the kitsune took up all her attention.  Talk about needy animals.  I’ll never get time alone with her.

Tuesday, early

I watched her sleep last night.  Towards dawn she woke and looked up at me.  I stared down at her, unmoving.  Slowly she got up and made to go relieve her bladder.  I followed.  She turned on me when she got to where she was going.  “Have you been watching me bathe?”

What could I say?  I wanted to deny it… But I knew she knew the truth.  I told her I watched her bathe.

“Why?”

Was she always this demanding?  I may have laughed to hide my discomfort.  She turned and awkwardly walked away.

I wish I could tell her… that I enjoy watching her… that she excites me in ways I have never experienced before… but how can I?  I’m just going to end up hurting her… like in my vision.

Tuesday, late

I found out that Miroku and Sango are together.  They have been acting funny all day.  I asked Kagome and she said something had happened between them in the bath.

I wish I had the balls to do that.  It’s going to be a long night.

Wednesday

I watched her bathe again.  She knew I was there.  She stared at me a long time as she washed her hair.  I wished I could have gone down to her, but the kitsune jumped in.  I watched them from afar. 

She kept staring off in my direction.  When she went to get dressed, she did it near where I was.  I wonder why.

Wednesday, late

It’s nighttime and they are all sleeping.  All but me… and Kagome.  I can tell by the sound of her breathing.  She isn’t sleeping.  I wonder why.  Just sitting here makes me nervous.  I think I’ll go take a bath.

Thursday, very early

She followed me to the hot spring and watched as I disrobed.  The excitement I felt as I got into the spring… Gods… it was a wonder she didn’t run away in fear. 

I bathed… and she watched.  I was so nervous.  Finally I stepped out and she stood there on the bank of the hot spring, staring at me.  “How does it feel?” she asked me.

I was confused and asked her to explain.

“You’ve been watching me… and now…” 

All I could do was stare back at her.  She wasn’t as disgusted as I feared she would be.  She has seen me naked before and she didn’t give much reaction except annoyance.  Now she’s studied each part. I feel like I was being sized up… Like when I lived with my mother’s people.  They would look at me with contempt when I had to bathe with them.  And it’s only because she’s Kagome that I could stand and take it.  “Is it… disgusting?”

She shook her head mutely.  “Inuyasha I…” she stopped herself.  She looked nervous and uncomfortable.

I offered to get dressed and began to hunt down my clothes.

“Wait,” she whispered.  “I’ve just… last time I saw you wasn’t under the best circumstances.  I just want you to know… your body… looks nice to me.”

I can’t really describe the sensation that passed through me at that moment.  She likes the way I look!  I know my face got all red and hot.  “Your body looks nice to me too…” I managed.   It sounds pretty lame now… but that’s all I could come up with.  At the time all I could think about was how my body was reacting to her… and how she could see.

She finally averted her eyes.  “Shippou and Miroku both told me what they saw during that last battle.  I know she touched you too…”

I know my breathing went funny.  Kagome looked back at me.

“Was it… that bad?”

“Let’s just say… It’s something I never want to see.”  I remembered the hot blood… her hot blood, covering me. 

She was nervous, I could tell.  She looked bare and raw even though she was dressed and I was not. 

I wanted to touch her.  I wanted to hold her in my arms and feel her body against mine.  I wanted to reassure myself that she was alive.  But I couldn’t…

“You’re… still naked,” she finally stated with a worried smile.

“I don’t mind you looking at me,” I answered.  “If I minded… I would have dressed a long time ago.”

“Do you…?” she hesitated and stared at me.

“What is it?” I asked her.  I wanted her to tell me something… anything.  My fantasies were leaving me in the dust.  I kept seeing us coming together and my taking her on the ground… in the water… in the tree… standing…  I became increasingly aware that my manhood had a life of its own and was beginning to ache.  My hand moved down to cover it. 

She noticed my movement.  It seemed to disturb her.  “What are you doing?”

“Covering myself…”

“Why?”

I took a deep breath, not really sure what to say.  “It hurts…” I finally replied.

“Why?”

I rolled my eyes, intending not to answer her.  I reached down to retrieve my pants and attempted to get one leg in. 

“Inuyasha… I’m sorry.  I don’t know much about male anatomy.  Why are you so upset with me?”

I stopped a moment, looking at her.  “You do this to me,” I said, indicating my pelvic area.  “I need to go relieve the pressure.”  I managed to pull on my other pant leg and made an ungraceful fall to the ground, hurting my tailbone.  I cried out softly and massaged the pain away.

She knelt beside me.  “I’m sorry,” she stated again. 

I rested my forearms on my knees.  “You better go away now before you regret it.”

“What?  What do you mean?”

I looked up at her.  “For your own good.  My body needs completion.  It wants… I want you.”

“You want…?”

“I want to fuck you,” I growled a bit too severely.  I instantly regretted it, seeing the look in her eyes.  “Please go.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I… want to be intimate with you too.  Someday,” she whispered.

It made my heart race and my body ache all the more.  She wants me too.  “If you aren’t ready… go away.  I’ll wait for you.”

She stood and moved away, leaving me alone.

I… relieved myself and returned to camp.  I sit writing now.  Gods… what have I done?

Friday

Everyone has been quiet the past couple of days.  I don’t know what’s going on between Miroku and Sango but she’s been ignoring him.  She spends a lot of time talking to Kagome.  I don’t want to get involved when the both of them are together.  My only option in confidant is the monk.

Miroku hasn’t been helpful.  He’s been all depressed.  I want to slap him out of it, but I’m not that desperate for someone to talk to…

Friday Night

I talked to Miroku.  It seems he and Sango had discussed the prospect of children and she agreed… but she didn’t want to start yet.  He’s afraid he’ll lose his chance. 

I didn’t want to tell him about Kagome and me.  My problems seem like nothing compared to his. 

But this is ME we’re talking about.  And I am a selfish bastard… or so I’ve been told.  I mentioned that I really want him and Sango to patch things up so I could have Kagome to myself again.

The monk gave me an odd look.  I don’t think he knows how much I want her… or how afraid I am to take her.

I admitted the vision I had with the last enemy instead.  He was sympathetic.  He said, “You won’t hurt her if you truly care for her.  Something in you won’t allow it.”

I want to believe that.

He also told me to tell Kagome. 

Yeah right!  I KNEW it was a bad idea to talk to the monk.

Sunday

I haven’t been in the best of moods lately.  Miroku and Sango have taken over the group with their little drama.  Sango still doesn’t want to do it and Miroku does.  I say he should knock her down and get it over with… he’ll either succeed or she’ll make sure he never fathers little perverts.  Then all our problems will be solved. 

I STILL can’t talk to Kagome.  Everyone takes up all her time.  I can’t even watch her during bath time… she’s taken to bathing with Sango.  Let’s not forget the needy little kitsune. 

Not that it matters to me.  I’ll just sit up in my tree.

Tuesday

Where are all those fucking shards?  Why haven’t we found any leads in over a week?  DAMN!  I am so… frustrated.  I want to hurt something… anything!  Why do I have to stick around these… freaks?  Gods… I’m so… I can’t write right now.

Wednesday

Kagome found my book and read it.  Ok… maybe she didn’t so much find it as I left it out for her to read.  I just didn’t know what to do anymore.  She said she wanted to talk to me when she handed it back.  I waited all day for her to find time… but it was near impossible.  Every time she found a moment, someone would jump in.  I wanted to break some heads. 

Finally when everyone else was asleep she got up and left the camp.  I followed her.  She stopped a good distance from the camp and turned to face me.  “You think you’ll kill me?”

I stared at her in response, unsure what to say.

She reached out and wrapped her arms around me.  What could I do?  I held her close, taking in the scent of her body.  “I’m sorry you think that…” she told me.

I wanted to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault.  That it was my own fault for wanting her so much.  Who knows what ends the demon in me would go through to make sure she stayed with me always… The thought makes me shiver with dread.

She hugged me tighter and whispered soft words. 

There is nothing more I wanted to do then lay her down and cover her body with my own.  I wanted to feel my blood race as I lost myself within her.  I wanted to make her flesh a part of my own… I wanted to protect her with my life… and soul.  She is what I live for… what I wake to see and be with.  Without her… I am alone… and so lost.  I don’t ever want to lose her.  And I’m afraid to be with her because I may lose control and hurt her.

I hugged her instead, taking comfort in her heart beating against mine… with mine.  For a moment they beat together as one… and it was wonderful. 

Her lips lightly touched my own. 

I wasn’t afraid, not like with Kikyou.  I was scared Kikyou and I would be caught… with Kagome I really don’t care who sees. 

I open my mouth slightly so I could…  Well, actually, I’m not sure why I opened my mouth.  I just did what came naturally.  I guess I wanted to get closer...  Her tongue touched mine and I tasted her. 

I don’t know how long we stood like that.  I vaguely recall pulling her to the ground with me when my knees got weak.  I couldn’t get enough of her mouth and lips.  Their texture and taste… I wanted to consume her.  I’ve been kissed, but I’ve never kissed back… not until now.

She didn’t move to pull away, but lay cradled in my arms.  Her hands massaged my back and arms.

Finally I released her from the kiss and stared into her face. 

“I love you,” she breathed.

I nodded, unable to speak.

She closed her eyes and snuggled against my chest.

I held her and let her fall asleep.  I didn’t do anything to her.  I probably could have taken her… or at least touched her and she wouldn’t have minded, but I didn’t.  It was enough for me that she was sleeping in my arms.  I picked her up and jumped into a nearby tree so we would both be safe.  She didn’t stir until morning.

As dawn came she opened her eyes, looking a bit confused as to her position against me on the tree bough.  “Are we safe like this?” she asked, looking down.

I told her I wouldn’t let her fall… ever.

She seemed to like that answer and snuggled closer to me. 

We didn’t leave that tree until the others came looking for us.  But don’t think we were idle before they showed up.  We did a lot of kissing… and some experimental rubbing against each other.  Well… I found out that she was without panties the whole night.  She took pleasure in rubbing herself against my erection through my pants.  I got to see the face she makes when her body is taken over with desire.  It was because of me that she made this face.  I was in awe.  She had just reached into my pants to touch me when the others came.  I could have hurt them. 

She was returned to ground and I went off to deal with my once again frustration.  I don’t think they noticed the wetness on my crotch area. 

Now I’m waiting for my pants to dry.  I took a bath and washed my clothes.  I can’t go back naked… so I have to wait.  This rock I’m sitting on is really hot.  I don’t care… maybe it will burn out this desire of mine. 

I want to mate her.  She makes it very difficult to stop myself from doing what my instincts scream at me to do.  My body is mature enough to mate.  I can’t ignore that no matter how much I try.  I’m fully functional even if I try to deny it.  I want to have someone I can share pleasures with and protect.  I’ve thought about the possibility of children.  Children aren’t exactly my aim at the moment.  I’m a bit afraid they won’t be accepted… that and with this quest… it will be hard for them.  Perhaps when the quest is done… I can imagine myself building a home when this is all over.  I can take care of my mate and children… 

I guess the others may find that hard to believe.  They see me as some irresponsible dope that always rushes head long into danger.  I may be that… but as time goes by I also find I’m more and more reliant on Kagome.  She makes me want to be a better person.  And she loves me.  She said so.  I don’t want her to go away when this quest is done.  I want her to stay by my side always.  I want to have her fall asleep in my arms every night… and keep her safe.  I want to touch her so she makes that face I saw when she took pleasure from me.  I want to be a part of her life.  And when her life is over… I want to die with her.  I don’t know if I want to turn human… but I want to die.

I’m sitting here, staring at those last couple of lines.  I keep seeing that vision I had.  If I was to do that… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.  I would soon follow her to the land of the dead.  Would her spirit forgive me?  Kikyou’s hasn’t and I didn’t even kill her.  Would Kagome’s spirit linger on as Kikyou’s does?  Kagome says she…

Wednesday, late

I didn’t take her.  I wanted to.  She showed up while I was waiting for my clothes to dry.  I let her read what I wrote.  She blushed as she read about our time in the tree.  She grew quiet as she read about my feelings about her… and my fears.  “You want to die with me?” she asked.

I nodded.

“But what if I want you to live?”

I asked her, “Why?  So you can haunt me?”

“No… because I want you to live the fullest life you can, with or without me.”

“Life without you is not worth living.”

She became very quiet and only stared at me.  “I don’t believe I’ll die at your hand.  That was only a vision of your fears personified.”

But they are my fears… to destroy what I most love.  I couldn’t look at her.  I was surprised to feel warm skin against my own.  I looked back to see she had taken off her clothes and was embracing me.  “Please… I’m not ready to mate you yet.”

“I know,” she replied, resting her head on my chest.

“Then why?” I asked.

“I want to be close to you… I trust you.”

All I could do was hold her.

“Besides… I want you to feel as good as I did in that tree.”  Her hand caught me by surprise.  It wrapped around me and began to fondle and caress.

I moaned and leaned back against the hot rock.  I resolved over and over not to go back on my word on not mating.

Something warm and wet engulfed me and I looked down to see her using her mouth to… gods, just writing about it is enough to get me excited again.  She had me in her mouth.  Her tongue and lips… were fantastic.  Nothing like this had EVER happened to me.  I wanted to pull her up and take her, but I wrapped my fingers in her hair instead, feeling her head bob on me… I couldn’t take it for long.  I tried to push her away, but she wouldn’t go.  I muffled a cry as I came in her mouth.  She made a face and swallowed a bit before choking.  With my manhood still pumping out seed I managed to pull her body up against mine so I could hold her in my arms.  She sputtered and I patted her back, trying to help her breathe. 

She finally caught her breath and looked at me.  “It’s still coming out?”

I could feel my manhood still twitch as my orgasm waned.  Warm liquid spurted down our legs.  “I tried to warn you…”

She was silent against me. 

I wrapped my arms around her and crushed her body to mine.  I apologized over and over.  Finally it stopped.  I stepped away from the rock, taking her with me to the hot spring.  I washed her as well as myself.  She looked overwhelmed with the whole thing. 

Finally she spoke.  “Is it always that much?” 

I nodded.  I’m not sure what human men are like, but demons are bigger than life and their bodily functions reflect that. 

“So it felt good?”

I stared at her in surprise.  Did she really not know?  I told her it was the best thing I had ever felt. 

She seemed to like that.  Her smile returned.  “Maybe next time we’ll try it another way so I won’t sputter.”

We caressed each other in the hot spring until we were found out by that damn kitsune.  At the rate we’re going we’ll never find time to mate.

Friday

I think I’ll be ok.  I can admit to her now without writing it that she is important to me and I don’t want to lose her.  She knows I want to mate her eventually… and we’ve even talked about where we will live. 

Miroku and Sango don’t seem to…

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