Identity Crisis by Leloi There was a loud crack and she felt the world sway under her feet.  Desperately she tried to keep her balance but it was all in vain.  With a grunt her legs buckled and she fell to the ground, feeling a soft dull ache spread from the back of the head. Inuyasha turned to look back in surprise at the villager that held the board, ready to strike Kagome again.  “You bastard!”  He snarled, knocking the villager aside to take the dazed looking girl in his arms. “We don’t like your kind here.”  The villager stated defiantly.  Other villagers nodded, holding various farming implements.  “Take your woman and go away from our village.” Inuyasha’s eyes hardened a moment, taking in the scene of the villagers giving him frightened and yet angry looks.  Something in his heart felt their reaction was all too familiar.  Gently he cradled Kagome into his arms, taking her away from their violent looks. “And don’t come back!”  The villagers called after him.  Inuyasha carried the girl deeply into the dark forest before setting her down on a log to assess her injuries.  “Those bastards…”  His fingertips probed her scalp, seeking out bumps.  His nose told him, thankfully, there wasn’t any blood.  “There’s a lump here…” Kagome blinked at him, her brown eyes huge as she studied his face.  “Inuyasha?” “What?”  The hanyou breathed, gazing at her with his golden eyes. “Is that what it was like for you?  Growing up with humans?”  Shaking his head, he continued his assessment.  “We’ve already discussed this, Kagome.  You know what it’s like for me with humans… not to be trusted… to be despised.” “Yes.  And then you were going to live with me… using the Shikon no Tama to become human…”  The girl breathed. Inuyasha’s fingers stopped their prodding as he stared at her with confused eyes.  “What?” “You would become human… and I could be like a normal woman.  We would have lived together as a couple, right?”  Her eyes stared intently into his.  Pulling his fingers away from her, he gave her an odd look… confusion mixed with disbelief.  “Are you feeling alright?” Kagome shook her head.  “I feel a little dizzy.”  Her admission was soft.  “But you would have become human for me, wouldn’t you?” Inuyasha shook his head, sitting in front of her as if afraid she would suddenly bolt away and he would have to give chase.  “Kikyou offered me that.  Now I… don’t really know what I want.” “Yes, I offered that a long time ago…”  Kagome whispered, looking away. “You?”  Inuyasha felt very confused by her words.  “The claws in my body… The ones that took my life… I believed they were yours.”   Not looking him in the eye, she took one of his clawed hands in her own, gently bringing it to her lips to kiss his fingertips.  “I imagined they would always be gentle with me… even if you decided to remain hanyou… that your human side would temper them.”  “Kagome?  What are you talking about?  Why are you saying this stuff?”  He tried to pull his hand away but she held it firm.  “You sound like…” “Kikyou?”  Finally her eyes rested on his again.  “But you don’t care for me anymore… only my memory.”  Kagome’s eyes looked away again.  “I can’t compete with the memory of the woman I had once been… Your ideal of me is far more real to you than the form my soul took to return to you.”   “Kagome…”  Inuyasha began, unsure how to interpret her words.  “I know how sad you were when the ideal of me was taken from you again… How many times in your lifetime can you lose me, Inuyasha?” “Kagome!”  Inuyasha tried to stop her words.  “You are Kagome…” “Kagome is Kikyou is Kagome.”  Kagome whispered.  “You’ve broken my heart before, once with what I thought was betrayal… and then in this life, with your love for who I had been.  You love me as I once was… I can live with that.  I can’t expect you to forget…” “You aren’t Kikyou.”  Inuyasha stated defiantly. “No… that body died a long time ago… and her soul was released and eventually was reborn to set you free.  Inuyasha, something terrible happened and I couldn’t let it stay like that, so I had to be reborn… for you.” “Kagome…”  Nervously Inuyasha regained his feet, pacing before her to gather his thoughts. “You loved me when I was Kikyou, didn’t you?” Pausing in his pacing, he nodded.  “A part of me is glad… But that saddens the other part… the part I am now… to know there is no place in your heart for me anymore, now that I’ve been reborn.”  Kagome whispered, her eyes too wise and old for a fifteen year old. Inuyasha returned to his kneeling position before her.  “Yes, I loved Kikyou, Kagome… You’ve changed… but you are still the one that completes me.” “Inuyasha…” Kagome breathed, her eyes brimming with tears. “Let me put your sadness and pain to rest.  You couldn’t come back to me in this complete form unless I did that… unless I healed you and you forgave me enough to come back and be with me.  Kagome…”  His hand tenderly touched her cheek.  “I know what I have to do to make you whole… to put Kikyou’s pain to rest.”  Fear flashed in his eyes a moment.  “You are my future…”  Bowing his head, he looked away.  “And if I should die… know I’ll come back to you too.  If Kikyou was reborn in you, then I can be reborn too.” Surprise filled Kagome’s eyes.  “What are you saying?” “In this lifetime… I have been blessed to know both of you.  In my next life, I don’t suppose I’ll even know who Kikyou was.  There will be only you.” “Inuyasha?”  Uncertainty filled her eyes. Silently he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers for a moment.  “Next lifetime, I promise it will only be you.” As he pulled away Kagome lightly touched her lips with her fingertips.  “You’ll forget everything?” “If it will make you happy…” ^.~ “Kagome-chan!  Inuyasha told us you took a blow to the head in your last fight.”  Sango sat down next to her friend with an anxious look on her face.  “It wasn’t really a fight.  Some villagers struck me… I’m fine.”  Kagome replied, glancing between Sango and Miroku.  Her hand rested on the back of Shippou’s head as the kitsune climbed onto her lap.  “I’m fine.”  Her words seemed to be stated to reassure herself more than her concerned companions. Miroku gave her an assessing look, as if trying to weigh the validity of her statement.  “Inuyasha said the blow to your head awakened some memories.” Kagome slowly nodded. “About the Miko, Kikyou?”  Miroku asked quietly. “You don’t have to be so secretive about it, Miroku-sama… I may have my previous memories… but I’m still Kagome.”  The girl gave him a small smile.  “Inuyasha told us not to tell you we know…”  Sango replied. “So naturally we asked.”  Miroku added with a half smirk.  “That fool thinks he can hide the truth from us…” “Kagome, you’re not going to kill me, are you?”  Shippou stared up at her with wide eyes full of tears. “Why would I do that?”  Kagome shook her head at him. “Because Kikyou-sama used to KILL youkai.”  Shippou answered, wailing at his own words. “Oh Shippou… I only killed EVIL youkai.  I would never kill someone like you.”  The girl’s hand lightly touched his shoulder. “So it’s true then… you really are Kikyou-sama?”  Miroku stared at her in awe.  Gently he took her hand.  “Lady Miko… would you do me the honor of…”  His words were interrupted by the sound of a hard weapon hitting a skull. “Knock it off, Houshi-sama… she may have Kikyou-sama’s memories, but she’s still our Kagome-chan.”  The demon killer shook her head in annoyance. “I’m sorry I couldn’t purify the Shikon no Tama for your village.”  Kagome bowed her head to Sango.  “If I hadn’t met Inuyasha… I might have purified it.” Sango gave her an uncomfortable look and waved her hand at her friend.  “That’s not your fault… please don’t blame yourself, Kagome-chan.” “And I wronged you too, Miroku-sama…”  Kagome looked to the purple clad monk.  “If I hadn’t have given shelter to Onigumo… he wouldn’t have become Naraku and cursed your family.” Miroku looked away, pain flickering momentarily in his normally stoic violet eyes.  After a long moment he gathered his thoughts.  “Kagome-sama… You did what you thought you had to do… It is a miko’s way to try and heal those that are suffering.  You couldn’t have known he would become Naraku.  I never blamed you for what happened to my family.”  “All the same… I still feel responsible for it all.  There are many things I could have done to prevent so much pain.  But I was blinded…”  With a deep sigh, she bowed her head, staring down at the kitsune on her lap.  “So many things…” “You cared for Inuyasha…”  Miroku stated bluntly, staring at her. Kagome nodded.  “I cared.  But I didn’t trust him enough… not like now.”  With a sputtering cry she pressed her fingers into her eyes, trying to quell the tears that fell.  “I didn’t trust him…”  Her shoulder shook with her sobs.  “And I killed him…” Gently the demon slayer wrapped an arm around her friend.  “Kagome-chan…”  Shippou nuzzled against her, trying to offer some comfort. “I killed the only man who loved me…” Kagome sobbed against Sango’s shoulder. ^.~ Inuyasha ducked, anticipating the swing of Miroku’s staff on the back of his head by hearing the jangling of the rings.  That left him wide open for a sandaled foot on the back of his skull, shoving his face into the dust.  “Why do you always have to fucking DO THAT?”  Inuyasha demanded, batting Miroku’s foot away. “Kagome is crying.”  Miroku answered, crossing his arms into his sleeves.  “I suggest that you go to her.” “And if I don’t?”  The hanyou challenged, glaring up at the monk.  “You’re the reason she’s crying.”  The monk stated, turning away from the hanyou.  “Kikyou-sama has made her peace with us… now it’s your turn.” Inuyasha glared at the wispy blades of grass that clung to the dirt as if he was accusing them for the uneasy feeling he got in the pit of his stomach. “You DO want her to make her peace so she can go to the other side… and be reborn, don’t you?”  Miroku asked over his shoulder. ^.~ The hanyou found Kagome sitting by herself, staring out at the river they had made camp by.  Resting his elbows on his knees, his amber eyes took in the swift moving water.  In stubborn silence, he sat beside her, unwilling to be the one to bring up the past.  “It is pretty, isn’t it?”  Kagome whispered, her own brown eyes on the river.  “Yes.”  The hanyou whispered. “Inuyasha… I’m sorry.”  “What for?”  His voice held a hint of defensiveness. “I just assumed it was you who attacked me.  I never asked you… I didn’t think you were capable of something like that.  But when it happened, I immediately assumed it was you.” “You couldn’t have known… I was tricked too…”  “You were going to be my husband… and I didn’t trust you.”  Kagome whispered. Inuyasha couldn’t look at her.  Looking at her meant dissolving this feeling he had that he was actually speaking to Kikyou… and not Kagome.  “Yeah… well… Maybe I wasn’t old enough to get married…”  “Why did you agree… to be my husband?”  Kagome’s words were soft, as if she hoped he wouldn’t hear them. “You were alone… like me.  So alone…  If we could be together we wouldn’t BE alone.  I wanted to be there for you.” Kagome swallowed hard, hearing such tender words from him… all directed at Kikyou.  His words conflicted her heart.  The Kikyou in her was happy to hear him say it… but the Kagome in her… hurt.  “You aren’t alone anymore.”  Silently she held back the tears that threatened to fall. “No, I’m not.  I have the others, humans who actually care about me… who see me as one of their own.  A powerful demon slayer who doesn’t want to kill me… A monk who… Well, a ‘monk’ whose job it is to exercise those with demon in them.  And a young demon who doesn’t want me dead.” Inuyasha’s eyes stayed on the river, silently afraid to look at the one beside him. Kagome bowed her head in disappointment.  There was someone obviously missing from his companions.  “Yes… they all care for you…”  Taking a deep breath, he shut his eyes, trying to gather his nerve.  “Kikyou… I’m sorry Kikyou.” “I told you, it was my fault that I didn’t trust you.”  Kagome stared at him in confusion.  Inuyasha held a hollow, haunted expression she couldn’t identify.  Shaking his head, he stared down at the grass by his callused feet.  “Not about that.”  Idly he picked a blade of grass.  “I thought you could be the only woman for me… and that was true… at the time we met, you were.”  Scratching his cheek, he stared back out at the river.  “I’m sorry, Kikyou… When I first met you, I didn’t think I was ever capable of love.  And you taught me I could… love.  But you’re gone now.  And I couldn’t help myself.  I want to be loved.” The Kikyou within her was somewhat pained by this confession.  Silently she crawled to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders to hug him from behind.  “What do you want me to say, Inuyasha?” “Nothing.”  The hanyou replied, still not looking at her.  “I just wanted to tell you.”  Inuyasha was silent for a long time, feeling her soft heat against his back.  Finally he broke the silence again.  “Kagome isn’t you exactly.  I don’t know if there’s another lifetime between you and her where you’ve learned things.  She’s like you in many ways… and yet she isn’t like you.  I thought it was all because she reminded me of you.  But I don’t think that anymore.  Although I do see you in her… it’s not enough to make me believe she IS you.”  His hands lightly touched her hands.  “You’ll always be my first love.  But I have to move on.  Please… Kikyou.” Kagome rested her head on his shoulder.  “I will move on, Inuyasha… but I’m not done yet.  There’s still one more I have to face before I can move on.” “Naraku.”  Inuyasha breathed.  “You have to face Naraku.”  His hands clung to her tighter.  “Please… I can’t lose Kagome the way I lost you.  If he should destroy her…” “Inuyasha.”  Crawling around to sit in his lap, she forced him to look at her for the first time.  “Have some faith in Kagome.”  Lightly her hand touched his cheek as she offered him a small smile. “I do.”  Inuyasha breathed, finally facing the reality of whom he had been speaking to.  “I have faith in you.”  Resting her head against his chest, she listened to the excited beat of his heart.  “If I had lived…” “I don’t want to think about that.”  Inuyasha whispered, wrapping his arms around her.  “If I should die…” “I don’t want to think about that.”  Kagome whispered, resting against him, content just to be near him. ^.~ “Inuyasha…” The one donned in miko attire whispered, stepping closer to the hanyou.  “Inuyasha…”  Her arms reached for him.  Inuyasha could only stare down at her, uncertain how to react.  This couldn’t be Kikyou.  Kikyou was in Kagome right now.  “Kikyou…” Kagome pushed aside the barrier that had been erected to keep her away.  “You must return to me.” The one in Kikyou’s shape glanced at the girl that dared to interrupt.  “This does not concern you.” “It concerns me greatly.  This is not who I am.  You are but one small aspect of the woman I once was.  And I wish for you to resolve yourself and return to me.”  Kagome stated, looking at the copy of Kikyou with eyes too old for her years. “Inuyasha?”  The miko looked to the one she held.  “You know it’s me, right?  You want to come with me to hell?” Inuyasha blinked.  “I don’t believe Kikyou’s soul is in hell.”  The one calling herself Kikyou turned on Kagome.  “This is your doing.  How dare you come between me and Inuyasha?” “The soul that animates you is incomplete.  We both know that.  What little that is inside of you is the twisted part of myself.  The rest of you is me, is here in Kagome.”  Kagome answered, unfaltering. “No.  You lie!  I am complete.” Kikyou insisted, looking to Inuyasha for support.  “I am complete, Inuyasha.” “I am ashamed to see myself like this… all my jealousy and anger and pain personified.”  Kagome hung her head.  “I thought myself so pure… but I was mistaken.” “Kagome…”  Inuyasha whispered.  “I have to release this part of you… you know that.  This part has to be resolved before you can be reborn as Kagome.  If that means my dying with her…” Kagome stared for a long time at the one that retained her old form, clinging to the man she loved.  “Yes… I know that.”  Slowly she approached the two. Kikyou backed away, feeling what little soul she had of Kikyou get tugged at by the one that held the rest of her soul.  Distrust filled her eyes as she glared at Kagome.  “Don’t come any closer.” Kagome stopped, taking a deep breath.  “I still need Inuyasha.  He still has work to do.  He needs to defeat the one that separated us.  Let him go.” “No.  He must die with me.”  Kikyou insisted, looking a bit unsure.  “Let him go… for now.  I can feel you returning to me.  I won’t come any closer if you let him go.”  Shaking her head, Kagome held up her hands to show she came with peaceful intent. Kikyou made a face and pulled on Inuyasha neck and shoulders to make him bend down his head.  Her lips pressed to the hanyou’s, defiantly showing her other who possessed him.  Releasing him, she stepped away.  “After Naraku is gone… He WILL come with me.”  Kagome bowed her head in acceptance.  “If that is what you both wish.  I won’t stop you.” Kikyou’s form disappeared into the woods, leaving behind a dejected Kagome and a pensive Inuyasha. “You both speak of me like I’m not there.”  Inuyasha broke the silence, glancing at his companion.  “It happens to me too… before when you’ve been with her.”  Kagome whispered, kneeling on the ground, trying desperately to hold back the tears.  “Oh gods…” Inuyasha knelt down beside her.  “Don’t cry.  I’m the one who has to sacrifice…” Tear laden eyes blinked up at him.  “I killed you before… and I’m sending you to death again.  I’m so sorry.”  Hiding her face in her hands, she sobbed.  Scooting closer, Inuyasha wrapped his arms around her, drawing her head to his shoulder.  “Don’t cry, Kagome.  I hate seeing you cry.”  Her tears stained his kimono.  “Inuyasha… I love you.  Don’t ever doubt that.  I want you to live.  The woman you once promised to become human for wants you to live.  She still wants to share her life with you.  I don’t care what lifetime I’m in… I want to share it with you.”  Gently his hand touched her cheek.  “Don’t cry, Kagome…”  Repeating it like a mantra, he lightly rocked with her as if she was a child in his arms.  “Please, don’t cry…” Her hands wrapped around his torso, tangling her fingers in his hair as if holding him would keep him alive.  Her lips lightly touched where her tears had stained the fabric of his kimono.  It was odd how the fabric absorbed blood, but tears lingered a bit longer.  Leaning against him, her lips traveled up to his neck, lightly kissing his throat and under his chin.  Inuyasha stopped rocking, content to just be with her.  His head rolled back, allowing her lips more access to his throat, trusting her completely.  “Don’t cry… please.”  His words were soft and tender, merely escaped breath given form with his lips and tongue. The woman who had once been Kikyou pulled away a bit, her eyes lingering over his trusting, eager body.  Inuyasha was a man, there was no doubt in her mind about that fact.  Even with his age resistant youkai blood, his years far eclipsed hers.  Maturity came from interaction with his companions.  Gone was the distrusting, juvenile his mother had left behind.  At times he still acted like a child, but he knew what responsibilities he had to perform.  His inner self was fast catching up with his adult body.  Once she had seen him naked… when he took refuge in her room from the bubble bath.  It was the first time she had seen a naked man.  It was the first time she had seen what affect she had on him… the stiffness he displayed just being in the same room with her.  Idly her hand brushed against the crotch of his pants.  Inuyasha caught his breath and lowered his chin, looking her in the eye questioningly.  No one ever touched him there.  It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation.  On the contrary her light touch felt remarkably good.  It made his insides flutter far more than a kiss or a hug. Emboldened by his not pulling away, her hand cupped his growing erection, lovingly caressing the hardness under her fingertips.  It was difficult to find the words she wanted to say.  When she had been Kikyou, she had vaguely dreamed of being able to touch him like this.  Women often spoke in hushed whispers about what made their husbands hard and the miko had looked forward to sharing that with her own husband… to make him look at her with desire.  Quickly both of her hands untied the knot that held up his pants and her hand delved down under his kimono and fundoshi to make skin to skin contact with the hardness. Inuyasha gasped softly, overwhelmed momentarily by the intimacy of her touch.  Her hand warmly surrounded a part that only he himself had ever touched.  Wrapping his arms around her, he surrendered himself to her fingers. Her hand slid up and down the shaft, trying to find a rhythm to excite him more, only half believing that she had her hand on him.  His skin was soft and warm, sliding easily over the stiffness.  The hanyou moaned softly, feeling her try and do something that he was familiar with.  The girl obviously wanted to bring him pleasure.  Inuyasha was not a stranger to masturbation.  Many a lonely night had been occupied with such a pastime.  To feel her attempt it was odd and brought him back to his senses.  His hands reached down to hold her hand immobile against his crotch, assuring her with his touch that he appreciated the gesture and rather enjoyed it.  Gently he pulled her hand off of him and brought it to his cheek.  “When Naraku is gone… and I put Kikyou to rest… I’ll be ready for that.”  His eyes studied hers for a long time, willing her to understand his desires.  “You don’t want me?”  Kagome whispered, trying to blink back the sting of tears. “What I want… I don’t deserve to have until we’re done.”  The hanyou whispered, wiping her tears away with his fingertips. Kagome bit her lip, uncertainly.  “What if… you’re made to go to hell before then?” Inuyasha shook his head.  “I suppose then… we’ll have to work hard to resolve Kikyou’s pain before that happens.”  The hanyou embraced her, squeezing her body to his as tightly as he dared.  “I want you, Kagome… But I can’t have you yet.  Please believe me.” ^.~ “How is your head, Kagome-chan?”  Sango asked her friend, sitting down beside her companion. “It doesn’t ache as much… and Kikyou’s thoughts aren’t as sharp as they once were.”  Kagome admitted, continuing to brush her hair.  Several days had passed since the incident and already she was beginning to feel like her old self again. “Maybe it was just a brief occurrence… lasting just long enough for you to become aware of it before it fades back to the way it had been before the accident.”  Miroku stated, joining the conversation. “Maybe…”  Kagome echoed, looking between her friends.  “How does Inuyasha feel about it?”  Sango asked, glancing in the direction the hanyou had gone. Kagome shrugged.  “I think he accepts it… whether I remember everything or not.  Perhaps he’s a little disappointed that it hasn’t lasted.” “He can’t expect you to be two people in one body.”  Sango shook her head, offering a comforting smile to her friend. “I guess you’re right.”  Kagome gave her a smile back.  “Does it make you feel any better knowing Kikyou-sama’s true thoughts?”  Miroku asked quietly. The miko thought about his words for a moment, remembering the memories she had shared with her previous incarnation.  Kikyou’s thoughts flickered a moment within her, expressing devotion and concern for the hanyou she once loved… something that had never been lost no matter what form she resided within… something that was passed on to the girl Kikyou had become.  “Yes… I found peace.”  Kagome offered her friends a gentle smile.  “I know who I am now.”   Back to the Gallery