| Thoughts
by Leloi She must think I’m a complete asshole. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I would rather have her alive and hating me in her own time, than in my time dead. The look in her eyes when she saw Kikyou and I… Oh Gods… So much pain. I should have said something to her, anything… but what? Kikyou died because of me. She should have had a long and happy life, but she had to get involved with me. I owe her. She was my first real friend. She deserves some peace and only I can give it to her. Then maybe she can find her rest and be reborn in… Kagome. Oh Gods… how could I hurt her like that? Why does it hurt me so much that I hurt her? I’m a demon… I shouldn’t feel and yet I can’t stop myself. This pain won’t go away. I feel… I feel… I shouldn’t have… Stop it! This has to be done. I have to finish this and put Kikyou to rest so she can be reborn. I can’t find happiness until she does. Happiness? Do I deserve to be happy? No… I hurt my best friend. I let her believe that she was unimportant, that I don’t care whether she comes or goes. I do. I just… need her to stay away… and live. If I live through this and Kikyou is returned to rest, then I’ll go to her and explain. If I die… Please gods… let me born again in her time so I may be with her. But for now let her hate me. I can’t let her die again because of me. * * * I wake with a start and sit up in bed to catch my breath. I was there again… in that strange dream. I was someone else in another time… and I was in love with Kagome. It was the dreams that first drew me to her. I started the dreams shortly after I met her through her friends. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It was like I knew her from some other place… another time. Then the dreams started. The best way to describe them is that they seem to be fragments from another life where I was a half youkai and she was a reincarnation of my first love. I resented her for reminding me of what was gone, but I slowly began to love her too. It was her smile. In waking life it fills me with such joy… but she can be so sad too. I hurt her, I know I did and I felt terrible. She left me and I was killed in battle. I was reborn to be with her. How strange my dreams are… and yet I wonder. Why does she stay away from school so much and why do I dream that it’s because of me? It’s silly, I know. Her grandfather says it’s the illnesses and he should know. Anyway… I hope she can use the lotion I found for her… so she’ll smile at me. “Thank you, Houjou-san.” But that’s for tomorrow. Right now I must sleep… and dream of Kagome. |