EFT, Psychotherapy and Organizational Consulting
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EFT, Psychotherapy and Organizational Consulting |
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How EFT works and looks First, I’d like to explain a bit about how EFT looks and concretely how it works, and then I give detailed examples of clients whose emotional turmoil, trauma, and pain was eliminated, and several examples of clients with serious family of origin issues whose lives and relationships became freer and happier. (You can get more details about EFT by clicking on the EFT page of this website). EFT is a very flexible improvement tool that can be used for just about everything. I am using my version of it here and have had extraordinary results and urge you to contact me for more. The original version and complete training can be found at http://www.emofree.com
When we have a problem, be it a physical pain or illness, a trauma, an emotional issue, or whatever, we have a conscious intention to have the problem get better or go away. However, there are often also other, less conscious, parts of us that resist getting over the problem, for various reasons. EFT deals with both of these parts. To deal with the “resistant” part, we say “Even though I have (this problem)…” and then we say a statement that essentially says that we accept ourselves anyway, even with this problem. This statement comes in various forms, but we’re always embracing ourselves, including the problem that we have. Then we tap on specific energy meridian endpoints, saying variations of the problem and also often imagining the solution. When this is done in a therapy setting, I listen to how the client describes the issue and then give phrases that captures the essence of what the client has said, and the client repeats the phrases while tapping each point one at a time. You’ll see that, below, I often just give the “even though” statement, if the tapping statements are just a restatement of the “even though” statement. If there is more information in the tapping part, I write it in.
(Note: SUDS level means Subjective Units of Distress, where 0 is no distress and 10 is the worst the person can imagine)
EFT Alleviates Horrendous Self-Hatred and Rage Caused by Childhood Abuse In my several years exclusively using EFT with clients, I’ve seen many amazing things, but I think this is the most amazing and quick client transformation I’ve ever experienced. Last year, I wrote about family roles (“EFT with Family of Origin Issues”, describing the case of “Jim,” who was in the Outcast role in his family.) Recently, “Samuel” (not his real name) came to me because he was going through the latest of a number of recurring episodes of extreme self-hatred, rage at everything and everyone, and thoughts that he should alienate his wife of many years so that she would kick him out and he could kill himself. As he described himself, it became clear that his world view and actions were typical of people who had grown up in the outcast role in their families: they are told and shown that they are “wrong” in some way and that they don’t “belong” in their families. They internalize this and learn to hate their families, themselves and the world. They feel compelled to act out either verbally or in actions to alienate themselves from their families and from any group of which they become a part. It’s a horrible life, full of anxiety and pain. As soon as “Samuel” came into my office, he began to go into detail about a number of horrendous childhood stories of physical abuse at the hands of his mother and watching helplessly as she was beaten and sometimes almost killed by a series of boyfriends. He experienced her as believing and acting as if he were worthless, purposely bringing on her own beatings by boyfriends, and told me that she was a raging alcoholic from the age of 17. He told me he despised her and hated her so much that, when his sister asked him to come to his mother’s funeral, he told her “You don’t want me to do that because I’ll spit on her grave.” He also spoke of making veiled threats to kill his sister, of having fantasies of how good it would be to kill her husband, and of just recently smashing expensive equipment, without which he couldn’t work, because he was angry at a colleague. He told me sarcastically that the colleague was “playfully” punching him in the arm and showed me how he perceived it in his anger by taking his fist and suddenly smashing it into the arm of my couch with all his strength—admitting after a moment that his colleague probably didn’t do it that hard. Finally, he felt that, for his wife’s sake, he should alienate her so that she would leave him and he could “blow my brains out.” (He did say that he didn’t think he’d actually do that) He felt that he was too awful to be with. Nevertheless, she had, for some reason, been with him for 30 years, and loved him to this day. I suggested there might be some good things about him. He said that she tells him he has love in his heart and that he brings joy to people—none of which he was feeling right then. I knew that I somehow needed to help him feel that he belonged again. We started tapping, “Even though I feel worthless and I want to retreat from society, I acknowledge this about myself and I realize that my wife loves me and feels I belong with her. (He couldn’t say he accepted himself or that he has compassion for himself). This lightened things a bit. He couldn’t tell me an intensity number. He said that his wife loves him because, in her view, he thinks of other people and that he’s generous. He said that he never thinks of himself. For example, when he did a free-lance job with three other people, he divided their pay into three parts and gave them each a third, forgetting that he needed some money himself. Then we tapped on “Even though I feel worthless and want to retreat; even though I never think of myself and I leave myself out, I acknowledge this about myself.” He began to cry really hard, and I tapped on him, suggesting that he just stay with what was happening. I repeated similar phrases (above) and, when he could, in between crying, he repeated them. I added, “maybe I don’t need to keep leaving myself out; maybe I can think of myself.” After a short time, the crying calmed and he looked much softer. He said that he felt much lighter and that the above were completely new ideas to him. A few days later, “Sam” came for a second session. He said that, since our first session, he continued to feel increasingly lighter and that, interestingly, a problem he’d had since he was in a car accident 1-1/2 years ago had gotten better, too. He had been hit in the head with a metal object that flew forwards from the back seat of the car and since then, he had had trouble forming words and sentences. He noted that, since our last session, his head was clearer and his sentences were clearer. And when his wife called him one day to see how he was doing, he told her “I feel good.” As far back as he could recall, he had never felt good nor told anyone he was feeling good—even after being in therapy for around 35 years. He also said that he understands his mother was very sick and that he feels mostly pity for her. This was very different from the hatred and disgust he was expressing in the first session. In this second session, we worked through one of the most horrible events of his childhood, which he had related with great negative intensity during the first session. We gave the event a name—“Belt”—and started with the Tearless Trauma Technique: “Even though I have this “Belt” memory…” It started at a10 intensity. After one or two rounds, he said he felt like he was floating above the experience, and that he had more perspective. He was looking down on it instead of being in it. Now he guessed that the intensity would be a 1 or so if he went into details of the incident. Then I asked him for emotions surrounding the event. He said he was angry at his sister, at a 10 level of intensity. “Even though I’m angry at my sister for (I’m leaving out the content here—ZZ), I send my young self compassion.” “Even though I’m angry at my sister for _______, I forgive myself for whatever I contributed to this “Belt” event and, so that I can get some release and relief, I forgive my sister for what she did to contribute to it. I understand she may have just been trying to survive in her own way.” After this, intensity was already at 1 or 2. He realized that what was left in intensity was because this memory was being fused together with all the other painful things that had happened while they lived in a specific house. “Even though I still have some of this anger toward my sister, and this memory is fusing together with all the other ones in that house, I choose to separate this memory out from all the others, I send my young self compassion and love, and I give myself permission to let heal from this memory.” This brought the anger toward his sister to a 0. Then I asked him about anger toward his mother. This had already gone to a 1 or 2, without directly working on it. Then we started on the actual abusive actions that his mother perpetrated on him (I’m not saying what they are, to protect readers from vicariously having to experience them). Again the intensity for the pain was a 10. “Even though I remember how much it hurt and how anything I said was ignored; even though I felt so helpless because nothing I said stopped it, I send compassion to my young self and let him know I love him. I forgive myself for anything I did to contribute to this _______ and I forgive my mother. She was ill and had a lot of pain in herself. She was probably doing the best she could, given her background and life-experiences. Her best wasn’t good at all, but it was the best she could do.” He agreed with all of this. He said that the thinking and feeling part of him, which had been disconnected, now felt connected. Intensity was very low, 1 or 2. He realized that his mother probably needed more love in her life, and felt understanding, pity and compassion for her. And for himself. Now he was thinking that it was amazing that he had survived so long without harming others, and, that it was just “unfortunate” to have gone through what she did to him. He said this feeling no charge at all. We went to another part of the memory that had been so intense when he told it in the first session. He felt “neutral” about it. Then I had him tell the whole story out loud again in detail, and he stayed at a 0 intensity about it. He told me that, in the many years he had been in therapy, nothing had really changed for him. And in two sessions, he felt completely different. He also said he had never felt any forgiveness toward his mother, and he had certainly never expressed forgiveness toward her to anyone. But now he totally felt it. He felt totally calm about the above incident, and released from the pain. In the next session, we worked on another event, which already had much lower intensity than it had had when he told it to me the first day. The only place that was still a sticking point was a 10 intensity regarding his bad feelings about himself in regard to feeling anger. After tapping, he was able to accept his anger and create a distinction between feeling anger—which is what he does, and acting out with violence, which his mother and her boyfriends regularly did. This was the first time, he said, that he was able to accept himself and his feelings of anger and rage without feeling that he would become just like them. A huge relief for him. At the beginning of the fourth session, he said that he had been able, since the last session, to stop negative thoughts whenever they wanted to start. He had never been able to do that; before this, as soon as dark thoughts began, he would be compelled to obsess on them for a long time. He said he had been feeling really good since the last session—very unusual for him in the past. I brought up several incidents connected with his mother that he had told me in the first session with such great intensity. Only one had more than a 1 or 2 intensity—it was a 3. We worked on the one aspect of this incident with somewhat of a charge and got it down to a 0 in one round. As I said before, this is amazing to me. I’ve worked with a number of people who have had several discrete painful or traumatic incidents in their lives and they were resolved in one or two sessions. And I’ve worked, and continue to work with, people who have had years of abuse or other painful experiences and we chip away at them gradually. I’ve never seen such a huge transformation in someone’s personality and such quick dissolving of huge swaths of trauma so quickly. Working with “Samuel” fills me with immense gratitude to Two Weeks of Abdominal Pain Gone in One Session John (not his real name) came to my office for the first time having experienced two solid weeks of pain in his abdomen. It felt like a powerful stabbing in a certain spot and a general feeling of pressure. Right then, it was at a 3 level of intensity, though it was often much worse. I asked him what the feeling was in his abdomen right now. It was like turmoil, he said, like the water in a brook caught in an eddy. He said that it was trapped, and couldn’t go further. When I asked him what emotion was in there, he said it was a feeling of not being in control, of things just happening as they will, and there’s nothing he can do. A feeling of being trapped. We tapped, “Even though I’m in a turmoil and feel that I’m not in control, that everything is going on its own and there’s nothing I can do. Even though this feeling is manifesting in my abdomen….” This made the feeling in his abdomen go up, from a 3 to a 6. So I knew we were getting somewhere. After some questioning and possible connections that didn’t really get us anywhere, I asked him what had happened in the period anywhere between two weeks to two months just before the pain started. It turns out that about two months earlier, his closest co-worker, a woman, was replaced by a tall, strong man—we’ll call him Toby. Before, everyone was collaborative at work, and the atmosphere was congenial. People greeted each other every morning and were friendly. Since this new man came, there was a cloud in the atmosphere. John would greet Toby, but he would not answer him. There was a feeling of competitiveness instead of camaraderie. John began to hear that some people felt John was not a good leader of those under him, and it brought up doubts in himself, too. He was irritated that he had to hear gossip about himself, and that he started to doubt himself. He couldn’t be “in my peace.” We tapped, “Even though I’m irritated, and it’s manifesting in this turmoil in my abdomen, even though I’m doubting my ability as a leader, I choose to find a surprisingly easy way to be in my peace again. This brought the feeling in his stomach down to a 3 again. I asked him for a specific incident that typified the relationship with Toby: he and Toby were coming toward each other in a hallway at work. Toby said to him, “You better get out of my way, or you’ll get knocked on your butt.” This made the pain get worse again, to a 5. We tapped, “Even though I’m really pissed that Toby said “You better get out of my way or you’ll get knocked on your butt,” I deeply and completely accept myself.” The pain went back down to a 3. He realized he was angry because “whether I’m a good boss to my employees or not, I’m a person. He’s not treating me like a person; he’s not even answering my greetings.” We tapped, “Even though I’m angry that he’s not treating me like a person, and I start doubting myself, I deeply and completely accept myself. So that I can let this go, and let the pain go out of my abdomen, I forgive him. Maybe the way he’s acting doesn’t have anything to do with me. Maybe he has his own issues or doesn’t know how to deal with people. I choose to let this go and I choose to be in my peace. Within a couple of rounds, the pain went from a 3 to a 0. We tested to make sure by having him remember the hallway incident in great detail. No intensity left.
Persistence pays off with Mother’s guilt around her son’s difficult birth “Angela” (not her real name) came to me because she had been unable to let go of guilt around her baby’s health difficulties immediately after he was born. He was premature, and she had a Caesarean section and somehow that was connected in her mind with his difficulties. She believed that, if she had held off in the middle of the birth and tried longer to have a “natural” birth, he would have been in utero a while longer, would have had longer to mature, and thus wouldn’t have had the health problems he had immediately following his birth. Her son was now 3 years old, and for three years, she hadn’t been able to think about or talk about the birth without breaking down in sobs. It took a lot of persistence during the first session. Various emotions came up and, although their intensity always decreased, it never went to zero, until we finally came up with the thing that suddenly cleared it up. We started with the Tearless Trauma technique because, when I asked her to begin describing the birth, she exhibited some signs of overwhelm: her vision became foggy and she felt kind of dizzy. After a while with the Tearless Trauma technique, she finally got to a SUDS level of 1, but it wouldn’t budge below that. I felt that there was a belief behind that and we tried, “Even though I believe that if I let this go, it makes what happened ok….” “Even though I can’t forgive myself…” “Even though I went along with the doctor’s decision to do a C-section, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway. I forgive myself for not standing up for what I believe, and I forgive my husband for not standing up for me. After this, the intensity for the general event was down to a 0. Then we started on the specifics of the event. She determined there were 4 or 5 “crescendos” of intensity, each one at a level of at least 9 and probably mostly 10. We began with the worst one: when the doctor determined that the baby was in breech position. She felt that they could just wait until he moved again, but the doctor was adamant that a C-section was necessary. She felt huge disappointment and a feeling of “I knew that if I had the baby in a hospital, it would end up being a C-section!” We tapped on her huge disappointment, her feeling of inevitability, not forgiving herself for not standing up for her son and herself and “Even though I could have left the hospital in the middle of the birth, I consider the possibility that this could have been dangerous to me and to my son and that I did the best thing for both of us.” Again, we did “I forgive myself for whatever I did to cause my son suffering; I forgive my husband; I forgive the doctors and nurses—they were probably doing what they had been trained to do—to keep both of us alive.” This all took quite a while. Each round, the intensity went down one or two points, and then maybe up again, and then down again. After the above, it was a 3. I had the intuition that the inability to get to a 0 might have to do with an event in her childhood. Through surrogate muscle testing, I “got” that something might have happened when she was around 5 years old. She said that her sister was born when she was 5, and that she was born by C-section (as were all the children of her mother). We tapped on: “Even though my sister being born and all the emotions connected with that could have something to do with not forgiving myself, I accept myself and forgive myself back then and I forgive my sister. Surprisingly, after this round, the intensity was completely gone, and she felt good. She said “Now I can actually talk about the delivery, and I can even talk about it with no tears.” At this point, we were out of time in the session. When she came back, all the crescendos that would previously have been at a level of 10 were now very low—around 2 or 3. We went through each of them very quickly. Each time, the intensity went to a 0 almost immediately. One thing that came up was her empathy for her son’s suffering after the birth. I thought there might be two parts: one, her own feelings and, two, the experience of her son right after his birth. We decided to do a third session where she put herself into her son’s place and we did surrogate tapping with the various experiences he went through. Not surprisingly (I’ve seen this many times), when she put herself in his place, she physically as well as emotionally went through what he probably went through. For instance, at one point, we were working on something near the end of the experience, and she felt a strange feeling in her throat. I remembered that she had told me he had been intubated for a while. Once we tapped on that, and the feeling of having something alien in his throat, the feeling in her body went away. Here are parts of that session: When a machine was pushing air into her baby’s lungs: “Even though I was scared and the air was so strong pushing into me, and I couldn’t stop it…” After a couple of rounds, she felt that the air wasn’t so strong, and that it must have been more the fear than the actual force of the air that was disturbing. He was under strong sedation for a while: “Even though I didn’t know what was happening; sometimes I felt really alive and here and sometimes I felt not really alive and here….” “Even though I was confused, I didn’t know what was happening, there were suddenly loud noises; even though I was scared and confused and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I know my mom and dad love me. I forgive my Mom and Dad for whatever they did to contribute to all of this. I forgive the hospital, that’s how they do things. I consider the possibility that they were trying their best to keep me alive—even if it was uncomfortable and scary—so that I could have a happy and healthy life on the earth.” About feeling alone and not supported when he was out of his mother and suddenly nothing was around him except air: “Even though I’m really angry,…” “Even though I couldn’t stop what was going on and I didn’t like it… Why didn’t they tell me what was going on?...” Going through this was an enlightening experience for both of us. I really began to see what it must be like for babies when they’re born and they don’t know what’s going on and nobody’s explaining it to them. It made me think it would be great if somebody was there talking to the baby during their birth experience, describing and explaining and reassuring. Angela could see that some of her son’s behaviors in the present are probably related to his birth experiences—he wants to be held a lot; he’s quite clingy; he likes others to do things for him that he can do for himself. It’ll be interesting to see if doing the surrogate tapping session changes any of this. Six months of emotional turmoil cleared up in one session Sometimes, EFT is totally amazing in how easily it clears up emotional pain. Rose (not her real name) had been suffering for six months with an intense feeling of inner turmoil, feelings of betrayal and deception, and a feeling that her sense of reality had been shaken. She discovered that, two years earlier, her then relatively new live-in partner had had sex with another woman, and had, since then, been having an on-again, off-again e-mail relationship, though he had never again had a sexual liaison with this other woman. Rose felt that her partner had many wonderful qualities and that their relationship was very close. When she found out about this affair, she began to doubt the whole relationship. She said that she knew her partner would never do this again, because he had told the other woman that he would never e-mail her again, and was doing everything he could to make sure that nothing like this would ever happen again. But Rose couldn’t let it go inside of herself. She felt deceived and betrayed and didn’t know how to let go of these feelings so that she could trust him again. She said, “I don’t know what reality is.” She also couldn’t understand how she could have missed this and blamed herself for her ignorance. When we met, she said that these feelings were at a SUDS level of 9. We tapped: “Even though, because he had this largely emotional affair, I feel deceived and betrayed and don’t know what’s real, I deeply and completely accept myself. I forgive myself for anything I might have done to let it go on. Even though my world is shaken and I don’t know what reality is, I deeply and completely accept myself and consider the possibility that I was doing the best I could—and that he was doing the best he could. (She agreed all this was true). Even though I feel deceived and betrayed, I deeply and completely accept myself and forgive myself for whatever I might have done to let it go on.” We tapped on phrases that included pieces of the above “even though” statements. After this round, the SUDS level was down to a 4. She realized that, although she was traumatized—which to her meant she couldn’t trust him, she couldn’t find peace with it, she was in a turmoil—she also knew she was completely ok. She didn’t feel threatened and was ok with whatever happened with the relationship. We tapped: “Even though I don’t trust him, I can’t trust him, and distrust is roiling around inside me. Even though I don’t know how to stop it, I also realize that I'm completely ok. After this round, she said that, already near the beginning of this round, she felt “it’s not worth it to me not to trust him. Even though this happened, I DO trust him, I CAN trust him.” I checked to make sure I understood what she was saying—she was saying that she actually does trust him and knows that he is trustworthy. She felt a sense of peace and joy. When I had her test her experience by going back to the original event and her experience around it, and to try to really re-create the intensity, she said that, although she remembered it all, it didn’t feel like anything big. She rated it at a 1. I asked her what was left. She said that it was a “mental thing,” that her brain was saying, “How can this be gone so fast?” So we tapped: “Even though my brain says, “how is this possible? How can this go away so easily? how can this happen so fast? I deeply and completely accept myself and consider the possibility that that’s just how it happens. I consider the possibility that it can be fast, it doesn’t have to take a long time.” After this round, she reported feeling really great and that her whole experience had shifted. There was none of the turmoil left, she trusted her partner, she was at peace and felt wonderful about their relationship. I asked her about possible other aspects, but nothing came to her mind. SUDS level 0 within half an hour of tapping. Amazing! I checked with her a week later, and she was still feeling great.
Rape Trauma alleviated completely in one session with EFT A new client came in reporting that she had no libido and was concerned for her relationship with her husband, whom she loved very much and with whom she was very close. She said that everything always had to be “just right” before she could even think about making love. Even then, she felt that she was doing something dirty. Guessing that there might be a trauma in the background, I asked her about that, whereupon she reported that she had been raped by her ex-boyfriend a few years ago. As soon as she mentioned it, I noticed that something changed in the atmosphere, and she agreed that she was feeling literally dizzy and spacey—signs of nervous system trauma. When she talked a bit more about this painful event, she became very upset and teary. My client felt that the dizzy/spacey feeling and the upset and teariness were at a SUDS level of 8. We went through several “scenes,” stopping each time to tap on specific emotions that arose. (I’m leaving out details of the event to protect this woman’s privacy.) When she focused on the first scene, she felt hurt and at the same time realized that, at the time of the original event, she felt she had no right to feel hurt. We tapped on “even though when he ______, I felt hurt and even though I felt I had no right to feel hurt… “Even though he manipulated me like a puppet and I felt powerless and hurt….” After this, she felt she should have been angry, but hadn’t felt angry at the time. She began feeling angry now. We tapped on “Even though I can’t believe I wasn’t angry…” “Even though I’m angry now…” After these rounds, she went from an 8 on the feelings of hurt and anger down to a 0 on both counts. While remembering the second scene, she felt humiliated, betrayed and violated. We tapped on each of these feelings and on the specific behaviors of her boyfriend that brought about these feelings. She quickly went from a 10 to a 0. While remembering the last scene, she felt used and objectified and she couldn’t understand why she stayed with her boyfriend after that. We tapped on these feelings and on not understanding. Trying also to deal with the dizziness and spaciness, I brought in some statements that turned out to be right on: “Even though I was stunned and it didn’t sink in for a while....” “Even though I couldn’t believe that he really didn’t care how I felt or how he affected me…” These rounds brought the dizziness and feeling of being upset about being used and objectified from an 8 to a 0. She said she felt that she was waking up. When I asked, “Does that mean you feel that you’re not quite awake?” she agreed. So we tapped on “Even though I feel that I’m not quite awake, I’m waking up now. I get it! I’m completely awake to what happened. I let my body and mind and nervous system know that it can release this event and let it go.” After tapping a round or two on these statements, she felt completely awake. I tested her again on the whole event, having her go through the parts that had been so upsetting before. She said that she could see the memory in her mind, but it was “just a memory.” It had no emotional charge to it at all and the dizziness and spaciness were entirely gone. She was amazed that, after only an hour, an event that she could never even think about, much less talk about, without getting tearful and upset was now “just a memory” with no emotional intensity whatsoever. I talked with her about a month later, and there was still no emotional charge around the event. She had even talked with her ex-boyfriend and his wife and was not upset at all. She said that the memory was “just a memory” like any other. In addition, she said that the feeling she had had whenever she and her husband started to make love—that it was “dirty,” had totally vanished, that she felt more free and easy about having sex, and it didn’t have to be exactly the right time and the right setting of the mood to start. She also said that they had started to make time for dates away from the children, something she’d never been motivated to do before. I have a long-time background in Process Work (created by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D.), as well as a kind of body-centered trauma work. I received permission to write up her case from a client who had severe pain in both ovaries that occurred for 3 days each month with the start of her period. Her doctors were unsure of the cause, and suggested exploratory surgery if the pain did not lessen. She was reluctant to do this, and so wanted to try EFT first, to see if it could help. We did three EFT sessions, using, at the beginning of each session, a technique from Process Work. First Session At the beginning of the first session, she said that, every month before her period, she looked like she was 6 months pregnant and, during her period, there was so much pain that it buckled her over. Because of this, she became irritable, exasperated, exhausted, and felt hopeless. We couldn’t schedule the session during the time when the pain occurred. I had her describe what the pain itself does (this is the Process Work part). She said it squeezes. I had her show me with her hand how it squeezes; then I did it in the same way, so that she could see it from the outside. She said that it looked like milking a cow, stating that cows have nutrition and the pressure builds up and they need to be milked. I asked her how this relates to her own life. She said she is the source of stability and nourishment for everyone around her. Everyone relies on her, which is an immense pressure on her, especially in her work situation. We started with “Even though I’m the source of stability for everyone, and it’s a lot of pressure on me…” This brought on sadness: “Even though I’m sad, and have been for so long… I asked about the first time she had ever felt this dynamic. She remembered when her parents separated, and, at a very young age, she was the main source of stability and support for her mother. “Even though my mother relied on me to take care of her and I held everything together… Then she went to the image of being in her father’s little apartment: “Even though I was scared and confused and trying to hold everything together and not knowing how, I love the little girl in me that did her very best to hold everything together. Even though a part of me is still living from that scene, I love that little girl who was doing the best she could.” Then she became very angry, and we did a round where I had her say whatever came into her mind. “They all rely on me for everything and want me to do everything and solve everything and I’m sick of it. Do it yourself, take responsibility for yourself!” Now, fear arose, and an identity issue: she felt she didn’t know who she would be if she wasn’t the rock, the enabler, the one who takes care of everyone and everything. “Even though I don’t know who I’ll be…” “Even though I’m afraid of being all alone…” When the fear decreased, she felt more matter of fact about things: even if it meant being alone, she had wanted to be free of all the responsibility for so long. There was still some fear left, so we continued: “Even though I’m scared of not being the rock and the enabler and the stability and I’ve wanted to be free of it for so long, I love both these parts of myself. Then she felt spacey and her vision became distorted (a sign of a trauma state): “Even though part of me just wants to sit in a corner and space out and not do anything about all of this…” This cleared the spaciness and she was grounded again. At this point, she realized that she has a part in keeping the dynamic going: “Even though I keep it going, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway and forgive myself. I consider the possibility that I’ve always done the best I could.” “Even though I was taught to be this way, way back when I was a little girl and have been living from that reality all this time, I accept myself and let my body know that that was a long time ago. Things are different now. I can start to let go. She realized that her own needs must be her priority and when others want something of her, she should check in to see if what they want matches her needs. If yes, she does what the other person wants, if not, she doesn’t. She felt strong and calm. Second Session The next month, she had experienced pain only on the right side, for a much shorter time. The session was again not during the time that she experienced the pain. Again, I had her describe the pain. She said it felt like someone pushing aggressively inside her right side and then one deeper push. I had her show me and then did it myself so that she could see what it looks like from the outside. She said it looked like someone pushing down on the accelerator and then pushing all the way, that it looked like danger and needing to go all out. I asked her where in her life this fits, and she again spoke of taking on other’s responsibilities and that this is truly dangerous to her and she needs to go all out to change the dynamic. Again, there was an identity issue at the center. “Even though I feel guilty even thinking about letting go of responsibility…” “Even though I’ve always done it and am afraid that if I don’t, everything will fall apart and no one will love me…” “Even though I don’t know who I would be if I stopped, I consider the possibility that letting go would help others and help me.” Tapping on variations of this, and “if I let go of other’s responsibility, they may become stronger.” There was a period of dizziness and floatiness (trauma symptoms again): “Even though a part of me wants to float off and not deal with this and space out…” Tapping on this brought her back to the ground. In between, we did a non-EFT session where she realized she needed to quit her job—which she then followed through on quite quickly. Almost immediately, several opportunities for work came through, and she was making more money in a partial workweek than she had been making “killing herself” at her previous job. Third Session After this, she came in during the time when she normally would have been in pain. This time, there was just a vague warm feeling and a kind of pulsing in her right ovary. I asked her again to describe the symptom. She said it was like a rat in a cage, every now and then throwing itself against the bars. She showed me the pulsing with her foot, tapping her foot and every now and then a stronger tap. Then I did it, and she said it actually looked like a heart beating from having run too much. She realized she gets overwhelmed not being responsible for everyone. We worked on letting go of that. This brought up a part of her that is afraid of letting go and holds back. We acknowledged that part and tapped on accepting all parts of her: the energetic, creative, inquisitive part and the holding back quiet part. At the end of the session, there was no more pain.
EFT with Family of Origin Issues Family Roles There are certain roles that seem to be inherent in families—or any group—and they crop up powerfully especially when there’s stress or anxiety. These roles are passed down from generation to generation, unconsciously being assigned to family members. Some roles are easier to inhabit than others. It would be great if parents were to choose the hard ones and leave the easier ones for their children. But this isn’t what tends to happen—at least in part because the process of choosing and assigning roles is unconscious. Here are the roles, from easiest to hardest: Distancer: Whenever a difficult problem arises or there’s emotional difficulty in the family, these are the people in the family who go off to read the paper, watch TV, go out to play golf, go out to play, or go shopping. They feel, “it’s not my problem, so I don’t have to deal with it.” This is the best role for the family to give children, especially young children, because it really shouldn’t be their job to solve problems or help people with their interpersonal family issues. They are both too young developmentally and they don’t have the power or information to do the job effectively. Caretaker: These people are assigned to the job of making sure everyone is happy, to take care of everyone emotionally, and to solve the problems. Over time, both the rest of the family and these people themselves feel that they are the only ones in the family who can deal with problems. Unfortunately, this role is often assigned to one of the children. For example, when parents aren’t getting along, one parent might draw in one of the children to be her/his confidante. Or, if the family is not too good at working out finances, the child deemed to be the “smart one,” might be drawn in to give financial advice to the parents. Also, if one of the parents goes into rages and takes it out on one of the children, another one of the children will feel responsible to take that child away from the parents’ sight and comfort that child. Identified Patient: These people tend to feel emotionally and often in their bodies, whenever there’s tension or anxiety in the family. If the parents work to resolve tension between themselves or help whoever is having a problem, this role doesn’t have to show up in the family. But that’s often not what happens. When a problem or an issue between two people is not being solved directly and effectively, people in the identified patient role—again often one of the children—feels the emotions of the others and usually literally gets sick. They may have nightmares, become hopeless, depressed or chronically anxious, or develop chronic health problems. They have a harder and harder time being effective in the world. They are generally seen as weak or ineffectual or not able to handle things. These people don’t have the power, age, knowledge or life-experience in the family to be able to solve a family problem or conflict. They feel all the anxiety but can’t do anything about it. Outcast: This is the role that carries the most anxiety and is found in families going through a lot of stress that they can’t handle effectively. These people are seen by their family and by themselves as being the problem. Instead of the parents resolving a family stress or anxiety, this person is somehow drawn to act out and to have the family focus on whatever’s going on with her/him. The family is increasingly frustrated with this individual and he/she hates her/himself more and more. The person in this role feels increasingly isolated from his/her family, from other people, and from her/himself. Sometimes, he/she is basically kicked out, or kicks him/herself out. This is so unfortunate, for the person and for the family. If the family could resolve its problems or conflicts, it would relieve this person immensely and help him/her become integrated into the family again. Thus far, I’ve just described the problematic parts of these roles. Each one has positives and strengths, too—among others, peace and happiness for distancers, problem-solving ability and self-confidence for caretakers, sensitivity and compassion for identified patients, and willingness to go against convention for “outcasts.” Distancers, if they participate in any kind of therapeutic setting at all, will be found mostly in personal growth settings. Caretakers and identified patients are the ones who most often come to our practices for help. It’s rare to see outcasts as clients. How EFT helped three people with family of origin issues In this article, I’ll focus on issues that come up for people in the Outcast, Identified Patient and Caretaker roles using EFT. I have changed names and biographical details to preserve clients’ anonymity. Because family roles are “assigned” unconsciously very early in people’s lives, they really become our identity in many ways, what Example of EFT with person in Outcast role: “Jim” is a man whose mother, because of her life circumstances when she was pregnant with him, and because she was rejected by her own family when she and they were in dire circumstances, could never accept her son and completely rejected him emotionally. She was not aware of this and so, from when he was born, kept experiencing him as being “wrong.” Everything he was and did, failed to fit in with her idea of how a child should be, and she let him know regularly that he was not good, that he did not fit into the family, etc. As we worked together, it became clear that, at a very young age, he felt completely alone and scared; later he became angry and still later he became cold with others and also hated himself, and he himself felt that he was innately “wrong.” He had great difficulty in romantic relationships, alternately feeling abandoned and feeling and being cold and shut down toward his partner, and also disconnecting from and hating himself. We worked with a number of specific incidents, as well as more general family dynamics sessions. Each time, after the “even though” statement, we tapped on similar statements. Sometimes, when things became very intense, I tapped on him and repeated statements instead of having him do it. Here are some excerpts from more general sessions: First session: “Even though I feel so alone, and could have been much happier, I deeply and completely accept myself and I’m staying right here with me.” “Even though I have nothingness inside me, that’s always around, and I’m afraid of going into nothingness,” I love even this in myself, and I’m staying right here with me.” After a number of similar rounds, Jim felt that he was really there with himself and heard a voice inside himself saying that he is not alone. People in the outcast role feel that they are completely different from others and that they are “outside the pale” They are rejected by others and they reject themselves. So it was important, always, for Jim to tap on staying with himself and staying with his experience. Another session: “Even though I feel unstable, and that life is meaningless, and I lose connection with life, I deeply and completely accept everything about myself.” (The outcast role creates a disconnection from meaning and from life itself). This changed to: “Even though I feel desperate and disconnected….” “Even though I am so angry…” (These two statements are moving toward connection because they have feeling in them). This changed to: “Even though I’m broken-hearted and hanging on with my fingernails, I deeply and completely love myself and I’m staying right here with me.” “Even though my parents shut me out until I finally shut myself out from myself, I deeply and completely love myself and I’m staying right here with me.” At the end of this session, he felt compassion for himself and for the women that he has been in relationship with over the years. Another session: “Even though my mother attacked the very core of me…” “Even though my mother blasted her own anxiety onto me, obliterating me…” His usual response would be to become hard and angry. But now it changed to: “Even though I feel sad and vulnerable, like a sapling, I have deep compassion for myself and am staying right here with my feelings.” Because “Jim” rejected himself so completely, he also tended to have a lot of ambivalence about staying connected with anyone that felt deeply attached to him. It was intensely frightening. He felt that, if someone loved him, there must be something wrong with them. At the end of this session, he felt he was eager to have his friends see his core and was feeling his resources and his ability to handle his feelings. Another session: When Jim was a baby, his mother left him alone in the crib for hours, even when he was hungry or had a true need for care from her. He felt such a threat that he went into a frozen, numb, slowed-down state. This kind of state is a sign of trauma. Over time, this became his way of protecting himself when he felt threatened in relationships. The feeling of threat was often triggered when nothing threatening was actually going on in the present. “Even though, as a baby, I learned to shut down when I felt my life threatened, and some part of me is still living from that time, I consider the possibility that I can trust and move out into the world.” “Even though a part of me has been protecting me from threat by shutting down, I deeply and completely love this part of me. I thank it and hold it with compassion. And I now give it a different role: to help me build my career and to stay connected to my friends, colleagues and myself.” Another session: He was never held, and his mother did not look into his eyes with love. He realized that the feeling from her is that he was “trash.” This was very painful. “Even though I have been taught that I’m trash, and have always assumed this is true, I deeply and completely love myself and I’m staying right here with me.” He became very sad and nauseous (a sign of trauma arising in the nervous system). He noticed and stayed with the feeling while I tapped on him until it ebbed and disappeared. Now here is a part that clearly shows how a role is assigned to someone, and it’s often not about the person, but about experiences that the parent may have had (which were also assigned to her as a child). Jim has identified with being the one who is detestable. He has believed, at the emotional level—even if not totally on the intellectual level—that his mother’s reaction to him was about him. But he started to realize that this is not true. “Even though this was never about me; even though my mother felt alone and deeply unhappy in herself and took it out on me; even though I took this into myself and still somehow believe it’s who I am…” “Even though I am contemptuous or disrespectful of people to whom I get close; even though I feel that they are trash because I am trash…” He became sad, spacey and heavy (trauma experience arising again): “Even though I am deeply afraid and I cover it over by becoming spacey and heavy…” “Even though I want to run away, and always want to run away from what I’m feeling…” His back locked up. “Even though I’m afraid of getting close and even though I’m afraid of opening up…” His back loosened up after some tapping on this topic. He started really feeling who he is, and felt free from what he had absorbed from the childhood atmosphere. We also did a round on forgiving his mother so that he could separate out even more and be just himself. After these sessions, he had much more compassion and love for himself, was able to perceive himself more accurately and to stay with whatever he was experiencing instead of shutting it away. He became more connected and warm to those close to him. Example of EFT with person in Identified Patient role: “Susan’s” father was an alcoholic with three children. He was emotionally volatile and verbally and physically abusive to his youngest child—Susan—and to his wife. The oldest child, a boy, was the one who did everything right: he excelled in school and sports and was his father’s favorite. He worked hard at keeping it that way. He never cried or showed weakness of any kind. Susan, on the other hand, felt all the family tension and anxiety in her body. Her mother, because she was afraid of her husband, was not able to protect herself or her child from her husband’s unpredictable violence. Her father used to tell Susan that she would never amount to anything because she was so weak and incompetent. He also told her that no man would ever want her. Susan became increasingly unable to be effective in the world and was afraid of people in authority, including her husband. She tried to work in the healthcare field, where she was responsible for people, but whenever someone had a big emotion—sadness, fear, anger—she would forget what she knew, become dizzy, numb, panicky, and feel completely incompetent. She felt, at the same time, completely responsible for knowing what to do to help people and completely unable to do so. We worked on a number of specific incidents having to do with her father and some having to do with her mother and sister. Here are some excerpts from more general, family dynamics sessions. “Even though I felt, and feel, like a failure when I heard, and hear, my father saying I can’t do anything right, I deeply and completely accept and love myself anyway—myself as a child and myself now.” “Even though I believed I was weak and couldn’t do anything right when my father said that to me, I realize that what he wanted me to do was not right for me; some part of me knew that and refused. Some part of me knew what was right for me, and I did that instead.” Tapping on: I believed I was weak; I believed I was wrong; I believed I couldn’t do anything right. I realize now that I was never weak. I realize now that he tried to make me do what wasn’t right for me. Some part of me knew it, even back then. Some part of me knew what was right for me and I was following that. I was always strong in being me. “Even though I was given the role of the weak and incompetent one, and this became my identity in the family, I realize now that this is not actually who I am personally and I give myself permission to give up the role and to be who I really am. Tapping: I’ve had the role of the weak and incompetent one, and, in some ways, I’ve carried it to this day. I’ve thought that’s actually who I am. I know now that it’s a role that was given to me unconsciously. I forgive my family for giving it to me and for holding me to it. I forgive myself for taking it on and living it to this day. I give myself permission to let it go and I choose to be free to once again live who I really am. “Even though I’m afraid to give up this role—because, without it, who am I?—I deeply and completely love and accept myself and give myself permission to give it up.” “Even though I was so scared and felt it was my fault when my father yelled or hit me, I realize now that it was never about me at all, and that he knew all along that it was not about me.” Tapping: He knew it was not about me; he knew I was fine. He knew it was his own problem. He knew that he was unhappy and angry and frustrated and took it out on me; he knew what he was doing and the evidence was his apologies afterward. He knew it was about him and not about me. I know this now. I forgive him now, so that I can go on with my life free and separate from his unhappiness. The patterns she learned with her father in order to survive are still present today with her husband. Although her husband is not like her father, when he shows “negative” emotions: anger or being upset, she reacts with fear and with feeling wrong and like a failure. “Even though I learned as a child that my only survival was to disappear away from my father and away from myself, and there’s still a part of me that’s living from that time and place, I’m committed to staying right here now with what I feel and think and know.” “Even though I feel unsafe when my husband is angry, and it brings back the danger of living with my father, I completely accept myself and I completely accept my husband. Tapping: when my husband is angry (specific incident), it has more to do with him than with me. I choose to stay committed to myself and to the relationship with my husband. I choose to see the distinction between my father and my husband. I realize that my father was dangerous and my husband is not, and I give myself permission to let my father-fear go. Over time, Susan has been able to realize that she is not totally responsible while simultaneously feeling totally incapable. She is living more from a place of partnership—in her family and in other settings. She has more trust that other people will do their part and she can just be who she is and express that. She is also able to speak up more when she sees an injustice happening or when she doesn’t feel right about something, or to just say what she is feeling or thinking. Example of EFT with person in Caretaker role: “Joanne” was the oldest of two children in her family. Her parents divorced when she was in her early teens and she was assigned the role of caretaking her younger sister. This was done in a subtle way—she was first asked to take care of her sister after school, but she soon felt completely responsible for her sister’s welfare and took over her mothering. She always thought that this was her choice, and only as we started working together did it become clear that she was—unconsciously—moved into the role by her mother. Throughout her marriage, her mother never really took on the caretaker role for her children. She was very emotionally reactive, and easily went into rages. Her father was passive, quiet and distant, and, once he had separated from his wife, moved out of town and was quite distant from whatever was happening in the family. This often is the kind of setting where a child is pulled into becoming the “parent” for the whole family. After her parents had been divorced for a few years, she and her sister living mostly with their mother, her sister gradually moved into the identified patient role and then later into the outcast role, being sickly and increasingly abusing drugs and alcohol. Over time, her sister became an alcoholic, unable to succeed in school or to keep a job. In the meantime, Joanne gradually became the “go to” person in her family, and it was expected—by them and by her—that she was the only one who could solve any problems that arose. This created in her a sense of confidence, but she also felt increasingly burdened by responsibility. Here are some excerpts from sessions: An event, one of many, during which her mother was angry about an argument she had with her husband, and was raging about him to Joanne. We went through the feelings that came up around this event, always tapping on variations of the psychological reversal “even though” phrase. “Even though I felt it was my responsibility to fix things between my mother and father, and I felt helpless and overwhelmed, I deeply and completely love and accept the child in me who tried so hard. “Even though this responsibility was given to me by my mother, and shouldn’t have been my role, and it was a burden that was too much for me, I love myself as a teenager and I love myself now. I forgive my mother and father for giving me this role, and consider the possibility that they were doing the very best they could.” “Even though my mother often yelled and seemed angry, I realize that she was really sad about her life, and that this had nothing to do with me.” “Even though it’s always been my role to take care of my parents and sister, and I have no idea who I would be if I weren’t taking care of them, I deeply and completely accept myself and I’m open to the possibility that they have their life paths and I have mine. “….I consider the possibility that I can trust them to live their lives and I can live mine.” “…I consider the possibility that my mother can grow up and we can both be adults.” At the end of this session, Joanne had the image of herself and her parents standing in a line, all facing ahead and living their own lives in parallel—versus her having to take care of them. One of the things that happens to people in the caretaker role is that they know how to take care of everyone except themselves. They spend so much time being called upon by others and making sure that everyone else is okay that they are sometimes not even aware that they are completely drained and don’t have a clue about what they themselves need. We worked on an accident Joanne was involved in that demonstrated this, when she might have gone through a red light and was hit by another car: “Even though I feel so guilty and responsible, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway.” We tapped on the freezing response and panic, using simple “even though” phrases and then simply tapping on each symptom separately. Then: “Even though there is fear and it’s held in my neck and throat, I deeply and completely accept myself and I let my neck and throat know that it can loosen up and let the tension dissolve. (During the accident, her neck was hurt as it swung back and forth, and the fear was in her throat. When we work on accidents or other traumas, often similar physical and emotional symptoms arise that appeared during the original event. We can move them through quickly with EFT). “Even though I felt vulnerable and exposed, and still do when I think about the accident, and feel the tightness in my neck and throat…” A thought came up about her constant need to help her brother and mother out of scrapes and how she also is in the same role with several people at work. She felt tired and felt “I can’t deal with this.” We agreed that it would be better to work on specific incidents around her brother and co-workers another time, but just did a round on “even though I am often tangled in with others, I choose to become a solid and separate person distinct in myself.” She realized that her shoulders were moving forward. I had her consciously let them move forward further and to notice what this was. She said that it seemed like protecting and comforting herself. (This was the beginning of the solution, which was to let go of constantly helping others and to begin nurturing and protecting herself). “Even though a part of me feels vulnerable and exposed, I love this part of me and I choose also to welcome and recognize the other part of me that comforts and protects me.” I asked her to remember and recognize ways in which she comforts and protects herself, or could comfort and protect herself. She came up with several ways, which we anchored by tapping on them. She also realized that there are ways that her mother protects and comforts her. She realized that she’s had a hard time telling the difference between protection and comfort from her mother, versus being smothered. We tapped on making the distinction. At the end of the session, her neck and throat felt good and she felt nourished and calm and solid. After several more sessions, dealing with making the distinction between her mother and herself, and her sister and herself, on trusting them to have their own life path, and on the fact that she has a right to have her own, separate life, she is beginning to be aware of when she is pulled in to take care of them in ways that don’t feel right, and she increasingly is able to stay separate while still related. This is creating a feeling of freedom and lightness in her life.
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