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"A" Animal Jokes

Animal Jokes
03/19/2011

Animal Jokes

 
INSTALLING A CARPET
Monday 16th April 2007
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''




PURCHASING A NEW BIRD
Sunday 15th April 2007
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"


THEY'RE BOASTING ABOUT RACE RECORDS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


THESE CHICKENS WANT BOOKS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."


A GUIDE TO WALKING TIGERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr likea freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To takea tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are notrecommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to theprocedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than activelyirritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which willbend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and thecane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the waythat the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madlyhanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chainis looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clipis there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carrythe chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the wholelength of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or armwith it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gaugethe tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot moreto say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there,OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leashis for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are alsomuch, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the caneto clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty goodcontrol and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if thetiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let youknow that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is bigenough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under youis generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this ishilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem tohave a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case,the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This isgenerally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as thetiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump ontop of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. Theweight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to makethings manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around andturning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the shortterm) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their funbut are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim thatthis is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it byme. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktailparty conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of theday.


A SNAIL BUYS A FAST NEW CAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


A VERY INSULTING PARROT
Sunday 15th April 2007
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"


STEVEN WRIGHT ON DOGS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.


WORRIES ABOUT MAD COW DISEASE
Sunday 15th April 2007
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."


THE STORY OF THE BATS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."


NEVER TALK TO THE PARROT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"


I'LL USE MY SEEING EYE DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."


THERE WAS JUST A DOG FIGHT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"


HE IS A VERY SMART DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."


A GAME OF ANIMAL FOOTBALL
Sunday 15th April 2007
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."


A CAT'S DICTIONARY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.


THE AMAZING FLYING DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"


THE CAT'S CHALKBOARD ASSIGNMENTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard.A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from thepeople's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of theantique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see"Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produceripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; anyfood, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse;Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tastymaribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.


THE PREACHER BUYS A PARROT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.


A BURGLAR IS IN BIG TROUBLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"


AN AMAZING TALKING DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"


BABY BEAR WANTS TO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


A HUMAN'S CHALKBOARD ASSIGNMENTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.



27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".


INSTRUMENT FLYING GUIDE FOR ANIMAL LOVERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:

1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.

2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.

5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.

Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990


A DOG'S CHALKBOARD ASSIGNMENTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;


I THINK THAT I'M A CHICKEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!


CAT TECHNICAL SUPPORT PROBLEMS
Sunday 15th April 2007
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.


INVESTIGATING A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.


TOP 9 SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD
Sunday 15th April 2007
9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.


NINE THINGS DOGS DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.


BUY ALLIGATOR SHOES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".


COW ON TRAIN TRACKS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"


TWO ANGRY NEIGHBORS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.


TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE AT A BAD ZOO
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.

2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.

3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.

4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.

5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.

6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.

7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.

8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.

10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!


SOUNDS OF THE WILD
Sunday 15th April 2007
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."


GIVING CATS PILLS
Sunday 15th April 2007
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.


FELINE PHYSICS LAWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.


THE FELINE DIET
Sunday 15th April 2007
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.


DOG PROPERTY RULES
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.


BIGGER THAN AN ELPHANT
Sunday 15th April 2007
question: what is bigger then an elephant but weighs nothing?

answer: it's shawdow


BASKIN IN THE SUN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry",
said the first one.

"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed
ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate
'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think
I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun",
said the second.

"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in
the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat
snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face
after his meal, he thought, "I love Baskin' Robins."


BUSY BULLS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."


THE DIAGNOSIS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his
dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back
to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines
the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man is clearly agitated and not willing
to accept this, and demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out
with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the
dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body
and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry,
but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his
dog is dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador.
The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail,
and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry,
but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,
thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$550."

"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed
the man!

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have
charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The
additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."


MMMMMMOOOOOOOO
Sunday 15th April 2007
knock knock
whos there
interupting cow
interup--mmmoooo


QUESTION AND ANSWER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.


A DOG’S DUTY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A nursery school teacher was taking a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."


A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrant


CAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q.what do you call a chicken and a cat?
A.a pussycat.


DOGS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The dog went meow!! Bark!Bark! went the cat! and so the dog went into the litter box! And the cat went on a tree. this shows you how smart dogs are!!


HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A CAT DIED WENT UP TO HEAVEN AN ANGEL GAVE HIM A WISH SO THE CAT WISHED FOR A PILLOW BEACSUSE HE WAS ALL WAS RUNNING ARUOND HE GOT THE PILLOW AN WHENT TO SLEEP THEN 3 MICE DIED WENT TO HEAVEN AND THE SAME ANGEL GAVE THEM A WISH TOO THEY WISH FOR ROLLER BLADES BEACASE THEY WERE ALWAY BE CASED THE WISH WAS GRANTED THE CAT WOKE UP WAIKED OVER TO GOD AN THE ANGEL AND SAID THAK YOU FOR THE MAELS ON WHEELS


CROSS-EYED DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.


DEAD GOLDFISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."




THREE TORTOISES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"




DOGGIE FARTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"




WASHING THE DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"




A CAT GOES TO HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!




THE BURGLAR AND THE PARROT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He
hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name
a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that
would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!




SIGNS YOUR COW HAS MAD-COW DISEASE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.




SURPRISE
Sunday 15th April 2007
One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"




THE CAMEL JOKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!




FISH AND CAT STORY
Sunday 15th April 2007
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.




DOG PROPERTY LAWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.




BULL AND THE TURKEY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


GORILLA EXTRACTORS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"


CAT COMMANDMENTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.


I LIKE MONKEYS
Sunday 15th April 2007
like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand
apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of
them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.
He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching
themselves in the genitals.
I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals.
I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very
well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off
the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.
No apparent reason.
They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a
goldfish and it dies five hours later.
God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work.
It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry
monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't
want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to
change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in
a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and
I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either.
I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution:
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say.
They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
God, I like monkeys.


THE MAGICAL FROG
Sunday 15th April 2007
John went to the doctor one day. " Dr. I don't know what to do. The women are scared of me. My penis is too long. What can I do?" The doctor meassured it and it was 24 inches long. "Well, you have 2 choices. One, you can have it surgically downsized. Or two, you can go ask a certain frog to marry you." The man instantly said, "I'm not asking a frog to marry me!" "It's okay, he will say no. But it's alot easier than cutting it."

So the doctor gave him directions, and he drove to the pond. He saw the frog, and said, "Frog!" The frog said, "what?" John asked, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "no." His penis shrunk 6 inches. He noticed this, and decided that 2 more times would be good. He asked again, and again it shrunk 6 more inches. Then he asked a 3rd time. "Frog!" The frog turned, and disgustedly asked, "what do you want?!" John said, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"



LITTLE SPARROW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.


HOW TO WASH A CAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water -- a strong industrial solvent often works best -- and lift both lids.

3. Pick up the cat and soothe him as you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids (someone may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape)

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other obstacles between the toilet and the outdoors.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat, now exceedingly clean, will rocket out of the house at warp speed.


FROGGY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and to on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog is disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that is name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK cause he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall. Bright pink
and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."


MY PENIS DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was 'Mypenis'?

Mypenis ate my homework.

Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

I love giving Mypenis a bath.

Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

Help! I can't find Mypenis!

Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...


WHO CAME FIRST?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular "I guess that answers THAT question".


I WISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two guys were walking along a road when one points out a dog who is licking his private parts.

One guy says, "Oh man, I wish I could do that!".

Then the other guy says, "Well, I think you should at least become friends with the dog first, don't you?"


DESERT CAMEL
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"


"A" Adult Jokes

Adult
08/07/2011

AIDS OR ALZHEIMER’
Friday 4th May 2007
A doctor called up a fellow and said, "Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently."

The guy says, "Yes, that's right. Is there anything wrong?"

"Well," the doctor replies, "here's the thing. There's another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s."

"Oh, my God," the man said, "what will I do, doc?"

"Well, I've been giving this some thought," said the doctor, "and here's what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

"Then what?" says the distraught man.

"Well...if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON'T FUCK HER!"


HOW MANY CALORIES DO WE BURN DURING SEX
Wednesday 2nd May 2007
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:
1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:
2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:
1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3

Decanting the wine: 4

Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy: 15

If you are anxious: 43

If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash): 5

If you are rich (credit card): 15

If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling: 4

Casually rummaging around: 7

Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent: 12

Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear: 15

Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed

Partner looks better with clothes on: 10

Partner wears corrective underwear: 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100

You don't mind: 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around: 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18

Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48

English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp: 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7

Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133

Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off: 15

Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4

Face turned purple: 78

Earth moved: 30

If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful": 15

"It must have been something we ate": 15

"Was it good for you?": 15

"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready: 5

If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex: 18

During sex: 546

While parking car: 212

SLEEP

Real: 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath: 5

In a sink: 150

In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).

With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.

A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12

Suggesting something different: 3

Calming terrified Harold: 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56

Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10

Intercourse (urging him on): 5

Orgasm: not sure

Thanking Harold: 3

Waving bye-bye: 1

Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)

Total calories burned: 160


GERIATRIC VIAGRA
Tuesday 1st May 2007
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"





The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."





The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."





The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."


DIFFICUILT TO SAY
Monday 30th April 2007
Difficult words to say when you are sober......

* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....

* Thanks, but I don't want sex
* No, I don't want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thank you
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening Officer

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


YOU'VE HAD IT
Sunday 29th April 2007
An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.

"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this where you always got forty five girls ready 'n' able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"92" he replied.

"92? Pop, you've had it."

"Oh." said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo


GIFT WRAPPING
Saturday 28th April 2007
While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."





"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"





"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny.

"They ARE the gift wrapping."


FIRST VISIT
Friday 27th April 2007
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.


MY DICK IS SOOOO BIG
Friday 27th April 2007
There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example...

My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!

My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.

My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.

My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.

My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.

My dick has an elevator and a lobby.

My dick has better credit than I do.

My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I c um.

My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

My dick is so big, it has casters.

My dick is so big, I'm already fu cking a girl tomorrow.

My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.

My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.

My dick is so big, it lives next door.

My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.

My dick is so big, it votes.

My dick is a better dresser than I am.

My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.

My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.

My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.

My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.

No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.

My dick takes longer lunches than I do.

My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.

My dick was once the ambassador to China.

My dick is so big, it's gone condo.

My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than himself.

My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.

It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.

My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a h ard-on and killing myself.

My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.

My dick is so big, it has feet.

My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.

My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to j ack me off.

My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.

My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.

My dick is so big, it has investors.

My dick is so big, it seats six.

My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a co ck ring.

My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.

My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.

My dick is so big, it has an opening act.

My dick is so big I can fu ck an elevator shaft.

My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.

My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.

My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.

My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.

My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.

If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.

My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.

My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.

My dick is so big, Trump owns it.

My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.

My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.

My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.

My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.

My dick is so big, you can ski down it.

My dick is so big, it has elbows.

My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.

My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.

My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.

My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.

My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.

My dick is so big, it's against the law to fu ck me without protective headgear.

My dick is so big, I could fu ck a tuba.

My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.

My dick is so big, it has its own gravity

NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.

My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.

The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.

My dick is so big, it has a spine.

My dick is so big, it has a basement.

My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.

My dick is more muscular than I am.

My dick is so big it has cable.

My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.

My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.

My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.

My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a bl ow job in Tennessee.

My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.

My dick is so big, I can braid it.

My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.

My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.

My dick is so big, I can sit on it.

My dick is so big, it can chew gum.

My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.

My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.

My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.

My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.

My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.

My dick is so big, you're standing on it.

My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.

My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.

My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.

My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.

My dick is so big, it's right behind you.


THE CAT AND THE SAUS
Thursday 26th April 2007
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!


ELEPHANT
Tuesday 24th April 2007
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo


WHAT'S THE DIFFE
Monday 23rd April 2007
What's the difference between a nymphomaniac, a hooker and a wife ?

The nympho says "You're done already?"



The hooker says "Are you done yet?"



And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."


DON'T LIE TO MOM
Sunday 22nd April 2007
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.


MAGIC
Sunday 22nd April 2007
One day Belinda was walking down the road when she saw a yellow frog crying.

She asked him, "What is wrong?"

He said, "I just want to be green like the other frogs."

So she did some magic and he turned green, but when he looked down his dick was still yellow.

She said that she couldn't do any more magic and he'd have to go see the Wizard.

As she kept going, she saw a pink elephant that was crying.

She asked him, "What is wrong?"

"He said, "I want to be gray."

So she did some magic and turned him gray.

When he looked down his dick was still pink so she told him to go see the Wizard.

He asked, "How do you get there?"

She said, "Follow the yellow dick toad. Follow the yellow dick toad."

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis


BIG STUFF
Saturday 21st April 2007
there was a girl who had the most sexy dick and tits there was a guy who had the most sexy dick and they got married naked showing there big stuff and there babys had big stuff 2


ONCE A COWBOY
Saturday 21st April 2007
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'

He then asked her what she was. She replied,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,
'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


PARROT
Friday 20th April 2007
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman


KEEP PUMPING
Wednesday 18th April 2007
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.


SPECIMEN CUP
Monday 16th April 2007
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


SHIT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A little fella walks into a bar.

Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door,
and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up
and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of
shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just
did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.


ARMY SGT
Sunday 15th April 2007
An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches
the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm
here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the
soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him.

Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with
his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute
awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt.
Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master
of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his
penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and
asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like
I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a
master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis
immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over
the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,
DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he
follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK,
AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again).

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for
the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've
already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His
penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the
following command, "DICK, AT EASE."

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis
is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me
soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully
erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to
tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is
still hard.

He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed
and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks,
"What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct
order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!!"


TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good


QUESTION:
Sunday 15th April 2007
What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?


ANSWER:

Bubblegum!


CAN'T WE JUST MAKE HIS LEGS LONGER?
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"


WHEN I GET BIG, FAT, AND JUICY..
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."


BUMBLE CLOCK
Sunday 15th April 2007
THERE WAS THIS JAMACAN MAN NAMED TIMO WHO WAS VERY BORED WITH HIS WIFE.ONE DAY SHE ASKED HIM "TIMO MAKE YA DINNER"TIMO SAID NO U DOIT. SO SHE SAID OK ILL DO IT BUT THE LAST TIME. THE NEXT DAY SHE SAY"TIMO MAKE YA BREAKFAST"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.SO SHE SAID OK ILL DOIT BUT THE LAST TIME.THE NEXT DAY SHE ASKED TIMO"TIMO MAKE ME LOVE"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.THEN HIS WIFE PAUSED AND SAID "TIMO ME MAKE YOUR BREAKFAST ME MAKE YOUR DINER ME NOT MAING A DILDO.


THREE GUYS
Sunday 15th April 2007
there were three guys by a cliff and whatever they wished for it would come true. so, the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes to be a bird and fly home. The second guy wishes to turn into a dolphin and swim home. finally the third guy tripped over a rock and fell off the cliff and he said "oh,crap"............

He turns into poop


SHUT-UP
Sunday 15th April 2007
there were two people named Shutup and Troble. they played hide and go seek, Troble was hiding when a police came and asked "whats your name"."shutup" "whats your name" "shutup" "are you looking for trouble"!"yes."


YOUR MAMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
your mama ate me you know why because i was looking good


JUST A BLOW JOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
The couple gets to the girlfriend's house after going out when they're at the front door
the boyfriend asked the girlfriend:

"Before you go in , why don't you give me a blow job?"
She says: "what? Are u out of your mind?"
"just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby"
"are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us"
" oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby"
"I already said no … so quit asking for it"
"I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I'm going to explode
is just a blow job"
"I said no , ok?"
"come on , don't be like that, just a blow job"

In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all
sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says:

"My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don't want to, I'll do
it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he'll give him the blow job , but please
"ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US FUCKING SLEEP"


I MUST TELL
Sunday 15th April 2007
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her
bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong,"
the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It
means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's
wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"


CAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
"I can't believe how boring my life has become." "What do you mean?" "The
only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my cat
I'm getting his food ready!"


FLAT CHEST
Sunday 15th April 2007
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"


THE WHOLE TRUTH
Sunday 15th April 2007
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."


TAKING THE EDGE OFF
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and
coffee to
follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl
of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she
inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a
steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty
stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes."

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm
starving!"


DOCTOR - AFFAIR - MEATBALLS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse
a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you
know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write
'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the
money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's
wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until
I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage
and meatballs, two without.'"


HOTEL LOBBY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."




CAMEL IN DESERT
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"




I NEED A SEE SAW
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."




FIVE ADULT ONE LINERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!




SUDDEN WIND STORM
Sunday 15th April 2007
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"




6 REASONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
6 resons why it's bad to be a dick

1. You got a hole in your head
2. If your jewish you get you scalp cut off
3. Your closest neighbour is a ass hole
4. Your best friend is a pussy
5. You shrivell up in water
6. Water comes out your head




HE KNOWS WOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007


This guy bet his friend that he could tell any type of wood by smell. The friend took him up on it.
First, he blindfolded him an d put a piece of oak. the guy said "Oak". This went on for a while, each time he was right.
Then his friend motioned for his wife to come over, and take off her pants. He put his wife in front of the guy. He smelled it and requested that it be turned over. After a couple of minutes the guy said, "I know, it is the shithouse door off a tuna boat!"


HOW DO THEY MAKE
Sunday 15th April 2007


A girl is waiting for the doctor to arrive. When he does he pulls on a pair of rubber gloves. The girl asks the doctor " how do they make rubber gloves? " The doctor says " they mold the rubber over the human hand. " At this the girl busts up laughing. The doctor says " whats so funny. " The girl says " I just wondered how they make condoms. "


THREE MEN
Sunday 15th April 2007


A black man, a white man and a chinese man go to a gas station.
The cashier said if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The black man said yes and fuck the dog and died.
The cashier asked the white man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The white mand said yes, fucked the dog, and died.
The cashier asked the chinese man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The chinese man said yes, fucked the dog and came back.
The cashier asked how did you fuck my dog and live it had AIDS.
The chinese man said me chinese, me real, me put condom on my dick!


JACK AND JILL
Sunday 15th April 2007


Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, dropped his fly and asked Jill do ya wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress.They had a little fun.Silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son!!!!!!


PETEY
Sunday 15th April 2007


There was a little boy named petey, he was playing football with his friends, when he accidetally threw the ball over a fence into a neighbors yard. A hot ass chic
comes out, takes the ball, and throws it farther into her yard, then she says come in my yard, then he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says alright. then she says come in my house, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok, they go in the house, and she says come in my room, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says allright. They get in the room and she says take off your clothes, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy he says allright. When they are naked she says lay on my bed, he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok.
then she gets on top of him, they are havin lots o' fun, then the dad comes in and says get off my daughter! and he says petey dont want to maybe tommorow.


RAKING
Sunday 15th April 2007


Q:
How Did The Blonde Break Her Leg While Raking?
A:
She Fell Out Of The Tree


SPARKLE
Sunday 15th April 2007


Q:
How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?

A:
Shine a light in her ear


THE MONKEY
Sunday 15th April 2007


a man walks in to a bar with a monkey the monkey started to eat the cherrys once all the cherrys were gone he sat there the man asked for a beer then the monkey jumps on a pool table and ate the cue ball and the bar tender said, "dude your monkey just ate that cue ball!" the man replys o well

a week later he comes in agian and with the monkey agian the monkey picks up a cherry and sticks it up his but pulls it out and ate it the bar tender says, "your monkey just shoved the cherry up his but and ate it!!!!" the man replys after that cue ball came out he is testing everything before he eats it


PHONE CALL
Sunday 15th April 2007


a blond woman wants to make a phone call, but she has no money.
she goes to a call centre and asks if she could use the phone to call her mum.
The operator says meet me out the back in 10 minutes.
10 minutes later she goes round the back and sees the operator, the operator pulls down his trousers and says go on then.
the blond grabs his dick and says "HELLO MUM"


HEY MASTURBATER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Hey Masturbater
(To The Tune Of Macarena)

Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alona,

Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,

Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stona,

Hey Masturbata!!!

I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nicea,

Once is not enough so I have to do it twicea,

If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea,

Hey Masturbata!!!

I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,

Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana,

Never shake my hand cos you don't know where its beena,

Hey Masturbata!!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,

One hand on the wheel and the other on my meata,

I can't get out the car cos I'm sticking to the seata,

Hey Masturbata!!!

Since I was a kid I have been a mastubater,

Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata,

I've looked at Miss November, now I'm gonna decorata,

Hey Masturbata!!!!




ON THE JOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"




HOW MANY WOMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."




STROLLING IN WALMART
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours."




TWENTY BUCKS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."




FIRM THIS UP
Sunday 15th April 2007
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."




SLOGANS FOR SAFE SEX!
Sunday 15th April 2007
21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!




TEDDY BEARS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."




WASHING MACHINE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."




PAY CHECK
Sunday 15th April 2007
what is the difference between a pay check and a penis?
you don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!




QUICKIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

2) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

3) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

4) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

5) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

6) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.

7) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

8) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.

9) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"

10) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"

11) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.




THE NEWLYWEDS
Sunday 15th April 2007


A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to a bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long; I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie? Listen up jerk! Drink your goddamn beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, you aren't going anywhere! Got it, asshole?!?" And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?




HEAVENLY REWARD
Sunday 15th April 2007


Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge."

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter, to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on my wife only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"




SMART BLONDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."




BOLNDE, BRUNETTE AND READHEAD
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their obgyn. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl...
The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!"
The two others smile and...
The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!"
The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask...
"Why are you crying?"
"I think I'm going to have a puppy!"




CAT,CANDY,BIKE
Sunday 15th April 2007


A mom walks outside to see her son repeatedly poping candy in his mouth, biting the cat, and jumping on his bike. On his bike he goes around in a circle and repeats. The mom asks what he is doing. He says,"I am poping pills,eating pussy, and I keep on a trucking just like my daddy!"


"HONEY, I CAN'T PERFORM!"
Sunday 15th April 2007


A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"




REFRIGERATOR MAN
Sunday 15th April 2007


A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''


"Y" Yo MaMa Jokes

Y- Yo Mamma Jokes
03/19/2011

Yo Mamma


Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.


YO MAMA IS SO GREASY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!

Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!

Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her


YO MAMA HAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.

Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.

Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.

Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.

Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.

Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.

Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.

Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.

Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.

Yo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!

Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.

Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.

Yo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.

Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.


YO MAMA IS SO SKINNY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.

Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.


YO MAMA'S HEAD SO SMALL
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.


YO MAMA IS SO POOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.


YO MAMA IS SO TALL
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.

Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.


YO MAMA IS SO BALD
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.


YO MAMA IS SO HAIRY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.


YO MAMA IS SO DARK
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.

Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.

Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.


YO MAMA IS SO SHORT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.

Yo mama so short she models for trophys.


YO MAMA IS SO NASTY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.

Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave

Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.


YO MAMA'S HEAD SO LARGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.


YO MAMA'S HOUSE IS SO DIRTY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!

Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.


YO MAMA'S TEETH ARE SO YELLOW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!


YO MAMA'S GLASSES SO THICK
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.


YO MAMA'S HAIR IS SO SHORT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.

Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.


YO MAMA IS SO FLAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a book!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper!


MISCELLANEOUS YO MAMA JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!

Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.

It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!

Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.

Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

Yo mama twice the man you are.

Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.

Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.

Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more."

Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.

Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.

Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.

I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.

I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving."

Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.


90210
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.


AROUND THE HOUSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.


EYELIDS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!


HAUNTED HOUSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.


KICKING CANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
your momma's so poor when she was kicking a can on a street someone asked her what she was doing she responded"I'm moving my house.


KNOCK KNOCK 2
Sunday 15th April 2007
knock knock: Whos there?
JO.
JO who.
JO momma.


SO CROSS EYED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!


SO FAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.


SO POOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.


SO STUPID
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mamma's so stupid, it took her ten minutes to cook Minute Rice.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she stared at a Ford for an hour because it said "Focus."

Yo mamma's so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket for a night and starved to death.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.


STUCK!
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo mamma's so fat that when she jumped up in the air she got stuck!


THE TOILET
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mamma's so ugly when she passes by, the toilet flushes.


TIC TACS
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo mamma so fat she makes free willy look like a tic tac.


TO BE CONTINUED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Ur Momma So Fat wen she stands on weighing scales it Reads to be continued.


VERY FAT MAMMA!!
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so fat, she's the tallest person in the world.. when she's laying down.


WHALE WATCHING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma is so big. The people that live near you put up signs "Free Whale Watching!"


YO MAMA IS SO UGLY..
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama is so ugly, her incubator was tinted.

Yo mama is so ugly, puts face in cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.

yo mama is so fat, she mainlines porkchops.

Yo mama is so fat, she sweats BBQ sauce.

Yo mama is so fat, she don't wear Daisey Dukes, she wears Boss Hoggs.

Yo mama is so fat, looks like she has a pack of hot dogs on her neck.

Yo mama is so cross eyed, when she cries, tears go down her back.

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama is so ugly, she has to wear a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

yo mama is so cross eyed, she looks out the front door and sees the back yard.

Yo mama is so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.


YO MAMA SO FAT 2
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mama so fat she could sell shade.

Yo Mama so fat when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo Mama so fat if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

Yo mama's so fat people call her moses, cause every time she steps in water it parts!


YO MAMA SO FAT..
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so fat even god couldn't lift her spirit.


YO MAMA SO POOR..
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mama so poor that all she could afford to exchange at Christmas were glances.

Yo Mama so poor that she couldn't even afford to scratch an itch.

Yo Mama so poor that she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo Mama so poor that when you asked what was for dinner yo mama put her foot on the table, pointed to her feet, and said "Corn"

Yo Mama so poor that when someone asked where the bathroom was, she replied "Pick a corner... any corner.


YO MAMA SO STUPID
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo Mama's so stupid she clicked on an Ad Banner!

Yo Mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo Mama's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo Mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo Mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.


YO MAMA THE GOURMET
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your mama cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!


YO MAMMA HA HA
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo mamma so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order.


YO MAMMA IS SO DUMB
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your momma is so dumb that she put a free cookie on layaway.


YO MAMMA IS SO OLD
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Momma is so old she was in Jesus yearbook!


YO MAMMA IS SO POOR......
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma is so poor,you stepped on a cigerette in her house and she said,"Who turned off the heat?!"


YO MAMMA IS SO STUPID!
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo momma is so stupid when she went to a 24 hour store she asked what time does it close.


YO MAMMA SO FAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo mamma so fat, when somebody told her to haul ass, it took 3 trips.


YO MAMMA SO POOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo mamma is so poor she has ticktacks on layway.


YO MAMMA SO STUPID...
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mamma so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death!!!


YO MAMMA...FAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Mamma is so fat that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.


YO MOMA SO FAT...LEMONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
yo moma's so fat when a lemon touches her, she peels.!!!


YO MOMMA IS SO FAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your momma is so fat she's not allowed to wear a Malcolm X jacket because they're afraid helicopters might land on her.


YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her face out the window and she got arrested for mooning!


YO MOMMA SO FAT 5
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Momma so fat..

... She was born on the 8th, 9th and 10th of July.

... She walked past me & her shadow broke my foot.

... This morning I had coffee with 2 lumps, her and her mother.

... The curtains have made her a lovely skirt.


YO MOMMA SO UGLY!
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo Momma so ugly, when she stands in front of the mirror the reflection won't look at her!


YO MOMMA UGLY!
Sunday 15th April 2007
You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store the alarm went off!


YOUR MAMMA 2
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your Mamma is so short.... she could hang-glide on a potato chip.


YOUR MOMMA IS SO FAT...
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your momma is so far that when she walks outside with a yellow shirt on everyone yells "Taxi"


YOUR MOMMA IS SO FAT....
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your momma is so fat, when she goes swimmin, she leaves a ring around the lake!


YOUR MOMMAS SO POOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your Mommmas so poor that when some kid stole her skate board she said "Hey who took the family car?"


FAT MOM
Sunday 15th April 2007


yo mamma so fat not even god can lift her spirit


SO HAIRY
Sunday 15th April 2007


yout mum is so hairy that when she offerd to clean the cages at the zoo people walked past and said "look at that bear over there"


YO MAMMA
Sunday 15th April 2007


yo mamma so fat that when she sits oh a rectangle table she sits next to every body!!!!!!


YO MOMMA SO DUMB
Sunday 15th April 2007


Your momma so dumb she tried to drown a fish


YO MAMA SO FAT
Sunday 15th April 2007


yo mama so fat when she stands on the scales it says stay tuned for the next episode.


FATTY
Sunday 15th April 2007


yo mamma's so fat that every time she turns around, it's her birthday.


YO MA GLASSES
Sunday 15th April 2007


yo mama glasses so big she can she the furture,like cleo.



OLD
Sunday 15th April 2007


Yo mamma's so old , i patted her on the back and her tits fell off.


POOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma's so poor, I stepped on a match at her house and she yelled
"who turned the lights out"





YO MAMA'S GLASSES...
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she lookes on a map she can see people waving.




DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TITANIC AND YO MAMMA
Thursday 12th April 2007
Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?

The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.


YO MAMA IS SO UGLY
Sunday 8th April 2007
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.


YO MAMA IS SO FAT
Friday 30th March 2007


yo mama is so fat when she gets on the scales it says stay tuned.



SOOOO POOR
Monday 19th March 2007


Yo mamma so poor I saw her kickin a can down the street and I asked her what she be doin and she said shes movin!
LOL!!!


"R" Religious Jokes

R - Religious Jokes
03/19/2011

Religious Jokes

CONVERSATION WITH GOD
Saturday 5th May 2007
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He
walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very
close to nature and even close to God.

He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would
listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"

And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."

The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards
the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God
replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years
to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and
ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied,
"My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to
you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a
value it is so little."

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to
the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replied, "In a second."


SIGNS SEEN NEAR CHURCH
Tuesday 1st May 2007
The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."


MOVING WITH JESUS
Saturday 28th April 2007
A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as
the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said,
"Let's say our prayers to Jesus."

The little boy asked, "Did he move with us too?"


BARBER'S DON'T EXIST
Friday 27th April 2007
The Bible says to have an answer for why you believe to those who ask you.

This is a good example of an answer to one of the most common reasons sinners give for ignoring God and His goodness.

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and beard cut as always.

He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

Suddenly, they touched the subject of God. The barber said: "Look man, I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the client.

"Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people?

Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of loving a God who permits all of these things."

The client stopped for a moment thinking, but he didn't want to respond so as to cause an argument.

The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop.

Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long time since he had his hair cut and he looked so untidy).

Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say they don't exist?" asked the barber. "Well, I am here and I am a barber."

"No!" the client exclaimed. "They don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who walks in the street."

"Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the client.

"That's the point. God does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Yisman


SILENCE
Thursday 19th April 2007
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


MULTIPLE O'S
Wednesday 18th April 2007
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms"


WHAT ARE THE PICTURES?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"


DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.


HIDE HIM DURING A WAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"


OVERCROWDED CHURCH
Sunday 15th April 2007
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."


A LITTLE GIRL WANTS TO GO
Sunday 15th April 2007
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."


CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"


WHY EVE WAS CREATED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"


OFFER MADE TO ADAM
Sunday 15th April 2007
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"


WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"


THE BLIND MAN IS HERE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."


CAR JUST BROKE DOWN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.


A MINISTER TELLS A JOKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"


MINISTER GIVES SERMON
Sunday 15th April 2007
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


A PROBLEM WITH TEETH
Sunday 15th April 2007
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!


TRY TO HELP THE PEOPLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.


LETTERS TO THE PASTOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston


AFTER GIVING A SERMON
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."


GOD GRANTING MIRACLES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."


LIGHTNING JUST STRUCK
Sunday 15th April 2007
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."


BURGLARS JUST BROKE IN
Sunday 15th April 2007
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"


TRULY INCREDIBLE DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.


AT THE CONSTRUCTION JOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"


QUESTION AND ANSWER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Biblical Questions and Answers

Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.


MODERN WORLD MORALS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"


A SERMON ABOUT LYING
Sunday 15th April 2007
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


BLOOPERS OF CHILDREN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.


WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?
Sunday 15th April 2007
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


MICROSOFT GETS CHURCH
Sunday 15th April 2007
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.


LEARNING INFORMATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!


WHAT HAS CAUSED IT?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'


HISTORY OF A PROPERTY
Sunday 15th April 2007
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.

'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.

'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'


WHAT IS GOD'S NAME?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'


ENCOUNTERING A BEAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."


WORRIES ABOUT A RISK
Sunday 15th April 2007
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."


RELIGIOUS ONE-LINERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails

read the instructions

(The Bible)



Bumper Sticker:

Prepare for your FINALS

Read the Bible



Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!



At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.


GETTING A PROMOTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"


NEW OFFICE SUPPLIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"


COLLEGE EXAM PLEA
Sunday 15th April 2007
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.


TELLING SOME STORIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."


TWO TROUBLE MAKERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"


MY DAD BRAGGING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three boys were playing and were bragging about
their fathers. The first boy said: "My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper and calls it
a poem. He gets $50 for it."

Second boy said, "That's nothing! My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a song and he gets $100 for it."

The third boy then said to the first two: "I
got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"


IMAGINE THAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.


THE BIG FLOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"


YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A TEXAS CHURCH WHEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

The restrooms are outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

The pastor wears boots.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"


MEETING THE POPE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."


REALLY GOOD DEED
Sunday 15th April 2007
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."


WHEN I WAS YOUNG
Sunday 15th April 2007
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.


THE TAXI DRIVER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'


CHAPTER ELEVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."


CARSTIANITY
Sunday 15th April 2007
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.

If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.

He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.

Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!


CELEBRATE!
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!"


BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"


JONAH AND THE WHALE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


AND GOD CREATED WOMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."


STANDING AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.

So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."


CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
Sunday 15th April 2007
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.


ANCIENT DISCOVERY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.

They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"


CONFESSION BOOTH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."


AMISH GIRL
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date.

Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies.

Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.

The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"

Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed.

Her date picked her up and they went on their way.

On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees.

Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?"

She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."

Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?"

The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did.

After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?"

Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"

The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"


EBONIC LORD'S PRAYER
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Ebonic Lord's Prayer

Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done

In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us

don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil

'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.


CAMELS ASS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"

"Is that right" the nun replies?

"Yes."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"


THREE NUNS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.


ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
Sunday 15th April 2007
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."


MOTHER F**KER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?

Amber:yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!


LAST NOTE FROM FRED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


"R" Redneck Jokes

R-Redneck Jokes
03/19/2011

Redneck Jokes

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 27
Sunday 29th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 22
Saturday 28th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.


REDNECK QUICKIES 17
Wednesday 25th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.


HOW TO KNOW WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
Monday 16th April 2007
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 16
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 02
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 04
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 05
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 06
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 07
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 08
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 09
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 11
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You've ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 12
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 14
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 15
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 17
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 18
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 20
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 21
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 24
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 25
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 26
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 28
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 29
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.

Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 32
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 34
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 35
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 36
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 37
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."

You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 38
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"

You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 39
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 40
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 41
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 42
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.

The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 43
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 44
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get

Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 45
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 46
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 47
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 48
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 49
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 50
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 52
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 53
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a redneck if...

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

You have to duct tape your gloves on.

You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

You think that Marlboro is a cologne.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 54
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

You've ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 58
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 59
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.

You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 60
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."

Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 61
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

You don't know what a redneck is.

You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

You thought ER was ET's cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 62
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.

You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.

You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.

You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".

You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.

You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.

Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 64
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 65
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".

You've given your gun a woman's name.

Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.

You go to the post office to research your family tree.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 66
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.

You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 68
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You can chew your own toenails.

You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.

Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.

You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.

You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 69
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 70
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.

You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 71
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.

You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

You think 'possum is the "other white meat".

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 72
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 74
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You re-use dental floss to save money.

You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.

Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.

Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."

You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 75
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 77
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 78
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.

Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.

Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.

Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.

Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.

Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.

The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.

Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 79
Sunday 15th April 2007
You might be a reneck if...

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.

Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.

You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.

You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.

The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.

Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.


THE REDNECK TRUCKERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"


REDNECKS FLYING HOME
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"


REDNECKS GO FISHING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


A REDNECK OIL CHANGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337


A REDNECK GETS SHOT
Sunday 15th April 2007
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


A DRIVING APPLICATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Redneck Driver's ApplicationPlez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name:[_] Billy-Bob   [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe   [_] Bobby-Jo[_] Billy-Ray   [_] Bobby-Ann[_] Billy-Sue   [_] Bobby-Lee[_] Billy-Mae   [_] Bobby-Ellen[_] Billy-Jack  [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess)Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]NoneShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:[_] Farmer        [_] Mechanic[_] Hair Dresser  [_] Waitress[_] Un-employed   [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name:     __________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________Lover's Name:      __________________________2nd Lover's Name:  __________________________Relationship with spouse:[_] Sister   [_] Aunt[_] Brother  [_] Uncle[_] Mother   [_] Son[_] Father   [_] Daughter[_] Cousin   [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed:      ___Number of children that are yours:      ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)If you obtained a higher education what was yourmajor?[_] 5th grade     [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them:___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are youare still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck         ____ kitchen____ bedroom       ____ bathroom/outhouse____ shed          ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _________ 194_Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] The National Enquirer    [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide                 [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun        [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___Color of teeth:[_] Yellow  [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown   [_] Black[_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:[_] Red-Man                [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road?[_] 1 mile[_] 2 miles[_] don't know



YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
Sunday 15th April 2007
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up
and down, depending on how much gas is in it.


14. You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.


16. You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


17. You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend
hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to
is Wal-Mart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your
non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...


25. If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride
out in front of the K-Mart...

27. If your neighbours think you're a detective
because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and
does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...


29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a
back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's
it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because
you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer
at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something
in your teeth and you take them out to see what
it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange
juice because it said concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.


36. If you don't understand why the first 35
are not funny.


2 HUNTERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


COW PAT LIP GLOSS
Sunday 15th April 2007
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister, " said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."


"P" Political Jokes

P - Political Jokes
03/19/2011

Politics Jokes

TV GUIDE LISTINGS FOR PRESIDENT

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"


THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless
Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From
Touching Each Other"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"


RUSH LIMBAUGH
Wednesday 25th April 2007
Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when
he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig.
Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and
apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for
10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what
happened and the chauffeur says, "Well, I went in and told
them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and
daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!" "Well, what
did you say?!" cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. "Oh, I told
them that I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed
the pig."

 

BILL CLINTON'S VERSION OF THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER SONG
Tuesday 17th April 2007
His baloney has a first name
It's "I-did-not-inhale."
His balony has a second name,
It's "I-wasn't-getting-tail."

Oh, He loves to sling it every day.
The White House people all just saaaaaaaay . . .
That Billy Clinton has-a-way,
Of mak-ing bullshit sound o-kay.





MILITARY COMPUTER
Tuesday 17th April 2007
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and
instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.
They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then
ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with
the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally
one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES
WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.


PRESIDENT'S BONUS
Tuesday 17th April 2007
Washington pundits suggest that citizen concern over raising
the president's salary to $400,000 is unnecessary. The extra
$200,000 is coming from the Chinese.


QUESTION AND ANSWER CLINTON JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.


THE EXACT SAME ANSWER FOR EACH
Sunday 15th April 2007
This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?


ACRONYMS FOR CLINTON AND HIS ADMINSITRATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation

Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation

Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland

Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow

Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation

Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies

Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise

Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology

Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything


DECODING THE SPEECHES OF BILL CLINTON
Sunday 15th April 2007
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added as the President's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.

All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America's economic health.

Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating.

Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise.

Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning, "contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world.

Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct).

Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president.

First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president"

Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.

Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution.

Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect.

Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts.

We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we.

Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.


FIND OUT WHO IS IN CONTROL
Sunday 15th April 2007
At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.

Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"

Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"


HERE IS A FREE PUPPY
Sunday 15th April 2007
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."


CANDIDATE CLINTON VS. PRESIDENT CLINTON
Sunday 15th April 2007
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same

Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti.

Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
"I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class."

Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy."

President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that."

President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
"I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't."

Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
"The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."

President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
"We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."


THE SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one."


THE PRESIDENTIAL WATCHES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".

He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ."

He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."


HILLARY GOES TO HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."


CLINTON'S WISH FOR WORLD PEACE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.

Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it.

Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.

Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.

Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?

Genie: World peace it is.


THE NEW MCCLINTON BURGER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?

Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.


BILL CLINTON'S HAIRCUT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."


WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".

Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."


MAKE THE WORLD HAPPIER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."


THE DEVELOPMENT OF A NEW STAMP
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.


VERY SHORT BOOKS IN THE MAKING
Sunday 15th April 2007
These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.

1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. "The Submissive Woman" by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America - by Bill Clinton
9. "Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
11. "Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
12. "Deep-Thinking Liberals"
13. "The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
14. "Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
15. "The Merits of Gun Control"
16. "Feminists Worth Marrying"
17. "How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" by Socialists.
18. "To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill


THE ATTRIBUTES OF CLINTON'S HEALTH PLAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Clinton Health Plan has the:

1. Simplicity of the IRS.

2. Results of rent control.

3. Efficiency of the Post Office.

4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes

5. Management success of national debt.

6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.

7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.


HELPING THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Sunday 15th April 2007
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theatre."


PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON VISITS PEARLY GATES
Sunday 15th April 2007
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on Earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."


LET'S VOTE ON THIS NOW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.

Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.


NICKNAMES OF BILL CLINTON AND HIS MASTER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

Hillary Clinton nicknames

Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham


CLINTON AT THE MAY DAY PARADE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked.

"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"

"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.

"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"


WORRIES ABOUT EARLY MORNING JOGS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.


A NEW DOG AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.

He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?"

Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."

The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."


THE FIERCE CIVIL WARS
Sunday 15th April 2007
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.


THE PUNISHMENTS IN HELL
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."


WRITING A NEW POLICY THAT WILL CHANGE AMERICA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to "save" America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it."

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won't pass it."

"But what if I get a 12?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".


CLINTON'S MOST UNPOPULAR ACTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.

"Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you've ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It's just been downhill from there."


THE VERY HIGH HEALTH CARE COSTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.

In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.


PRESIDENT CARTER'S "FUNNY" JOKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.

He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.

After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke?

When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, "I told them, 'President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.'"


DEMOCRATS VERSUS REPUBLICANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.


THE TYPES OF COWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.

If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.

If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.

If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.

If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.

If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.

If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.

If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.

If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.

If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.

If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.

If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.

If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.

If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.


FLAGS TELL US INFORMATION ABOUT OUR TAXES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."


KING GEORGE THE THIRD'S RESPONSE TO THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Court of King George III London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown


REPUBLICANS DEMOCRATS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.


TRUE POLITICIAL STORY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."


WHAT IS ONE BILLION?
Sunday 15th April 2007
According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.


DEBATE MILITARY ISSUE
Sunday 15th April 2007
I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he gets.

Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.

A recent interchange went something like this:

Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms."

Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'."


WHAT DAY IS THAT DAY?
Sunday 15th April 2007
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"

My husband quickly answered, "Election day."




The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.

The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!


SHORT LAUGHS & QUIPS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.


There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.


...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.


A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."


FUNNY QUOTES FROM GORE
Sunday 15th April 2007
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93


"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore


MORE HILARIOUS AL GORE QUOTES AND BLUNDERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996


"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

-- Vice President Al Gore

(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)


"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

-- Al Gore


"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

-- Vice President Al Gore


WILL OF AMERICANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.


BUSH SUES SANTA
Sunday 15th April 2007
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

A weary nation can relate.


GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Top George Bush Slogans

  1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

  2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

  3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

  4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

  5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

  6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

  7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!

  8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

  9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

  10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.




BUSH RUNNING MATE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bush and His Running Mate

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."

Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.


PRESIDENT PRECEDENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

... BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"

Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."

... BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- "I do solemonemoney swear..."

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."

- and will to the best of my ability

- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."

- So help me God.

- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"


RESEARCH BUSH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.

G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.

He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.

Reseacher: Political, sir?

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --

GW Bush: What is this about?

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.

GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?


ENTERTAIN GUESTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."


STUCK IN A PLANE
Sunday 15th April 2007
George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"

Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:

"Your dad?"

"He left me here! Took the parachute!"

"Sir, your dad?"

"He's the pilot! Gosh!"

"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"


PLANE'S TERRORIST
Sunday 15th April 2007
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"


CHASED BY A BEAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."

"George!" G. W's mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"


PEOPLE ARE STUPID
Sunday 15th April 2007
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."


HOYA
Sunday 15th April 2007
It was election time and a politician decided
to go out to the local reservation and try to
get the Native American vote. They were all assembled
in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician
had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited. "I promise better
education opportunities for Native Americans!"


The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native
word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino
on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their
feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities
for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied
pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring
the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of
cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew
a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he
could get closer to take a look at the cattle.


"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not
to step in the hoya."


DIVERT YOUR COURSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the
North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,
THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!


THE CLINTON TRAGEDY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend who
lives next door was playing in the street when a car came
along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.'


'No,' Clinton says, 'That would be an ACCIDENT.'


A girl raises her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that
would be a tragedy.'


'I'm afraid not,' explains Clinton.


'That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'


The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.


'What?' asks Clinton, 'Isn't there any one here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?'


Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid
voice, he says: 'If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary
Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.'


'Wonderful!' Clinton beams. 'Marvelous! And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?'


'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it certainly would not be a great loss!'

 

PRESIDENTIAL COINCIDENCE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in
1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in
1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD - REVIEWED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Subject: Chickens!!!!

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the
chicken and we'll find out.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
chickens. I have never known any
chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it
crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken
a job in New York.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer
is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."



A RUSSIAN VISITS DENNY'S RESTAURANT
Sunday 15th April 2007
More American Observations
by Yakov Smirnoff

Because there are so many restaurants in the Unites States,
you'll have to
be selective. The very first American restaurant I visited
was Denny's.
We didn't have Denny's in Russia--thank God! What a strange
place. When
I want in to be seated, the hostess asked me, "How many in
your party?" I
said, "Two million.". She gave me a corner booth.

You may start to wonder about some of the people who work
there. They
all seem to look the same. I was curious to know if, to
hire someone
there, they require a three pimple minimum. The hardest
thing to get
used to is the service they give. I ordered a hamburger in
one place
and the waiter asked me if I wanted him to "hold my pickle".
I said,
"No, thanks, not while I'm eating." Then he asked if he
could "toast my
buns." When he offered me some "secret sauce", I decided to
take my
meal "to go". When he said he was going to put it in a
doggie bag, I
just stuffed the food in my pocket and left.


INMATES RUNNING THE ASYLUM?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less
than 1000 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same
group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in
line. Are the inmates running the asylum?


WHO SAID THAT?
Sunday 15th April 2007
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of
a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher (Dr. Fox) greeted the class and said, "Let's
begin by reviewing some American history."

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" He saw only a
sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his
hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people for the people shall not perish from
the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than
you do."

As he turned to write something on the blackboard, he heard
a loud whisper: "Damned Japs."

"Who said that?" he demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm
gonna throw up".

Teacher says "Who said that?".

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to
Japanese Prime Minister,1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my
dick" Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".


NYPD FBI AND CIA
Sunday 15th April 2007
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.


The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.


The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.


The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

CLINTON'S CLOCK
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is
struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at
the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get
into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take
care of." so St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the
scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once
in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary
asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter
replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary
asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh,
it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

 

HOW TO CHOOSE A POLITICAL PARTY
Sunday 15th April 2007
During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with
his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the
neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.

Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both
Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your
father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat
like you."


WRITING IN THE SNOW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must
Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is
ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells,
"There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written
in urine!


I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW."


The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening,
the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President,
we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you
want first?"


Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."


The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The
results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore."


"Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own
vice president!


What's the *really* bad news?"


"Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary."

 

TERMS FOR PENIS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking
together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a
gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a
patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the
front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain,
because it goes down after the act.

Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a
rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.


CALIFORNIA DRIVERS LICENSE TEST
Sunday 15th April 2007
LA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name:________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly
Female

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a
motor

vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If
you don't own
a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check
all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of
application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while
driving.

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should
immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
your car on
the
news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone
company
for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form
ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window
on your left.


"M" Medical Jokes

M - Medcal jokes
03/19/2011

Medical Jokes


I HAVE BAD AND VERY BAD NEWS
Wednesday 25th April 2007
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


FAMILY MATTERS
Wednesday 25th April 2007
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."


"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with
your family?" inquired the doctor.

"Yeah." said the man.

"Well, what did they have to say about it?" asked the
doctor.

"They're in favour, 15 to 2." replied the man.


I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.


IS SHE FEELING ANY BETTER?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.


WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!


THE PRISON HOSPITAL
Sunday 15th April 2007
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.


DOCTOR! I SWALLOWED A PILLOW!
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.


AN INVISIBLE MAN IS HERE TO SEE YOU
Sunday 15th April 2007
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.


BAD TEMPER PROBLEM
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!


WILL I LIVE ANY LONGER?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.


PEOPLE ARE IGNORING ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!


I WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.


A DOCTOR IS COMPLAINING TO A MECHANIC
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."


CAN I PLAY THE PIANO ONCE THESE ARE OFF?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."


A MAN WITH A GLASS EYE IS HERE TO SEE YOU
Sunday 15th April 2007
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?


THE RESULTS OF THE X-RAY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!


WILL THIS OPERATION HURT ME AT ALL?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.


A VERY INTERESTING FACT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!


GET A HEART TRANSPLANT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."


DO YOU HAVE A SOLUTION?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!


DID YOU TAKE THE PATIENT'S TEMPERATURE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?


WE NEED TO HELP THESE PEOPLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!


DID YOU EVER HAVE THIS BEFORE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again!


MY SON SWALLOWED THE CAN OPENER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!


THE BAD AND THE WORSE NEWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!


MY WIFE IS BEATING ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!


WE ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."


HELP ME WITH MY HAIR DOCTOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.


WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?


YOU'RE IN GREAT HEALTH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


DRIVING EXAMS WORRY ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

Liz: I'm the examiner!


PROBLEMS REMEMBERING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

A variation

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?


DOCTOR, SHOULD I FILE MY NAILS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.


I WOULD LIKE TO HAVEA SECOND OPINION
Sunday 15th April 2007
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.


I THINK I NEED A PAIR OF GLASSES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.


PUT ME INTO A FIGHTING MOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.


GET ME AN AMBULENCE NOW
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!


MODEL DENTAL PATIENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's
office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was
in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as
you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."


HAVE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE!
Sunday 15th April 2007
A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one
of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings
the doorbell and Mrs. Smith appears.

"Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would
drop by and see how your are doing." The woman
says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we'll
have some tea."

While sitting at the coffee table, the priest
notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind
if I have one?" the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like".

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch
and alarmed at how long he has been visiting
says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at
the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have
eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace
them next time I visit."

To which Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother
Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's
all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."


FIVE SURGEONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."


DOCTOR TERMINOLOGY
Sunday 15th April 2007
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.


ALL OUT OF ANAESTHETIC
Sunday 15th April 2007
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"


STUTTERING PROBLEM
Sunday 15th April 2007
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"


NEED SAMPLES
Sunday 15th April 2007
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


MIX UP AT THE HOSPITAL
Sunday 15th April 2007
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."


THE FAITH HEALER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."


MIGRAINE CURE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."


NEGOTIATIONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."


DO YOU HAVE THE TIME
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."


MENTAL RELEASE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."


LETHAL FOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."


LABOUR PAINS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.


CRAZY PATIENTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"


CREMATE ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."


BEAUTIFUL
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"


CIRCUMCISION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"

The other says, "Circumcision."

The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"


BAD NEWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."


BREAST ENLARGEMENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.

"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."


PRETTY BAD NEWS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.


PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


CURING A COUGH
Sunday 15th April 2007
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."


DENTIST VISIT
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."


MEDICAL ADVANCEMENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking
for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half
a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us.
We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work.


BOY OR GIRL
Sunday 15th April 2007
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"


A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


A HOT DAY
Sunday 15th April 2007
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."


A MOTHER AT 65!
Sunday 15th April 2007
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."


ACTUAL ANSWER FROM A MEDICAL STUDENT
Sunday 15th April 2007
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”


ACTUAL MEDICAL CHARTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


THE AUTOMATED DOCTOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.



HOSPITAL CHARTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.


PROCTOLOGIST AT THE BANK
Sunday 15th April 2007
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to
endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his
shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his
mistake, he looked at the
thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great,
just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"


BREAST EXAM POEM
Sunday 15th April 2007
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!


"L" Lawyer Jokes

L -Lawyer Jokes
03/19/2011

Lawyer Jokes

TOMBSTONE
Tuesday 1st May 2007
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"


KEEP THAT A SECRET
Tuesday 24th April 2007
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."

"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."


EXCESS BILLING HOURS
Friday 20th April 2007
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"


JURY DEFINED
Monday 16th April 2007
Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.


ACTUAL STUPID QUESTIONS ASKED
Sunday 15th April 2007

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!


YOU WON'T GO TO JAIL
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.


THAT'S A REAL BARGAIN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."


RULES FOR HUNTING LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1.Yellow Bellied Sidewinder2
2.Two-faced Tort Feasor3
3.Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator5
4.Big-mouthed Pub Gut2
5.Honest AttorneyEXTINCT
6.Cut-throat2
7.Back-stabbing Whiner2
8.Brown-nosed Judge Kisser2
9.Silver-tongued Drug Defender$100 bounty



WHAT TYPE OF TRACKS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.


SOLVING A DISPUTE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."


LAWYERS GIVE IRRELEVANT INFORMATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."


THE BRONZE STATUES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


THERE ARE NO HONEST LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"


HERE'S YOUR FEE SCHEDULE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."


UNREASONABLE BILL
Sunday 15th April 2007
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."


REPLACING LAB RATS WITH LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.


YOU'VE CHANGED MY MIND
Sunday 15th April 2007
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t."


SOME LAST MINUTE REQUESTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."


GET MONEY TO HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."


BRAIN TRANSPLANT
Sunday 15th April 2007
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."


WANT TO GO INTO SPACE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."


LAWYER'S PERSONAL INJURY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.


A LOVE FOR MATERIAL GOODS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"


I JUST MANAGED TO SETTLE AN ACCOUNT!
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"


DID YOU MAKE A DONATION?
Sunday 15th April 2007
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"


CAN I TAKE HIS PLACE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."


LAWYERS ON A FLIGHT
Sunday 15th April 2007
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."


ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
Sunday 15th April 2007
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


HOW'S BUSINESS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

"How’s business?" asked the first.

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper."


TRYING TO BE IMPRESSIVE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."


WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S NAME?
Sunday 15th April 2007
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."


FREE ADVICE AT SOCIAL AFFAIRS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


I WANT TO TAKE MONEY WITH ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."


WHEN YOU KNOW YOU MUST REALLY BE DRUNK
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."


I SUPPOSE I EARNED ENOUGH
Sunday 15th April 2007
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."


WHAT IS TWO PLUS TWO?
Sunday 15th April 2007
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"


WERE YOU EVER ARRESTED?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."


WHO OWNS THE COWS?
Sunday 15th April 2007
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."

"Don’t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"


I WANT TO APPEAL A CASE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."


ARGUING EFFECTIVELY
Sunday 15th April 2007
How to Argue Effectively

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

-=- Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers

vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.

You're being defensive.

Don't compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.

Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."


JAPAN IS IN TROUBLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?


WHAT SHOULD THEY GET?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"


ASK YOUR QUESTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".


WHO HANDLES CASES?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"


TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH
Sunday 15th April 2007
`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'

`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'


GET AWAY WITH MURDER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."


SEASHORE WITH FAMILY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.

"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."


STEAL FROM LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"


NEWEST HORROR MOVIE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?


SHORT LEGAL LAUGHS
Sunday 15th April 2007
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.


There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.


Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.


GIVE HIM AN ORANGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."


OFFER LEGAL ADVICE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."


HELPING A CRIMINAL
Sunday 15th April 2007
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.


BIG ETHICAL DILEMMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"


A COLD WINTER NIGHT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.

He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.

When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."


DRINKING TOO MUCH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."


WHO WOULD STEAL?
Sunday 15th April 2007
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."


LIGHT BULB LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.


STUPID ATTORNEYS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."


LEGAL QUOTES & QUIPS
Sunday 15th April 2007
When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”

-- Lin Yutang


“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”

-- Ambrose Bierce
"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin


“Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”

-- Oscar Wilde


“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

-- Lenny Bruce


“I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”

-- Voltaire


INTRODUCE LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."


LAWYERS ON A JURY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."


TALK TO THE JUDGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"


UNFIT WORDS TO HEAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."


HISTORY OF LAWYERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.


HALLS OF JUSTICE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"


YOU'RE A LAWYER IF
Sunday 15th April 2007
You Might Be A Lawyer If....

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.


DEMISE OF A PARTNER
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.

When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.

After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.

The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.

St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."


LEARNING A LESSON
Sunday 15th April 2007
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"


NEED A NEW LAWYER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

  1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
  2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
  3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
  4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
  5. A prison guard is shaving your head.



MESSING WITH THE MOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger."


GOLD WATCH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness
was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful
because he changed his statement after he gave
it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was positive that I had my
gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered
that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."


When the judge returned home that evening,
his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your
watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up
for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone
for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?"


"I gave it to the first one," said the wife.
"He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you
sent him."


GANG OF ROBBERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club
by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight
for their life and their money. The gang was
very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got
$25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear
of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"


"G" Gender Jokes

G-Gender Jokes
03/19/2011

Gender Jokes


Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card


WOMEN'S TRANSLATIONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!


WOMEN SEEKING MEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest


WOMEN'S INSTRUCTIONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."


EDUCATION FOR WOMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.


GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Reason's why it's great to be a woman

  1. Free drinks.

  2. Free dinners.

  3. Free movies.

  4. Speeding ticket? What's that?

  5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

  6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

  7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

  8. You can sleep your way to the top.

  9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

  10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

  11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

  12. Brad Pitt.

  13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

  14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

  15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

  16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

  17. You have the ability to dress yourself.

  18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

  19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

  20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

  21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

  22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

  23. You've never had a goatee.

  24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.

  25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

  26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

  27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.




COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.


COMPARE THE GENDERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A WOMAN'S SEMINARS
Sunday 15th April 2007
New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way


BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
Sunday 15th April 2007
How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE


MEN ADVISING WOMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.


THE GUIDE FOR WOMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.


CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.


THE BUM ON A STREET
Sunday 15th April 2007
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"


COMPUTERS ARE MALE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Reasons computers must be male

  1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

  2. A better model is always just around the corner.

  3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

  4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

  5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

  6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

  7. The lights are on but nobody's home.




DATING HINTS FOR MEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.


QUESTION AND ANSWER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.


WIFE SWAP
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed
in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."


LEAVE THE HAIR OUT OF IT
Sunday 15th April 2007
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned
a second wedding. They were discussing the details
with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she
was planning to wear. One of her friends asked
what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver
- - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are
going barefoot."


WRONG CHOICE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way
out of their price range.
.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
.
Services are pending.


A RVING COUPLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A RVing couple, both born the same year and
month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been so loving she
would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she
had already visited most of North America in
her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
90.


PUSSY MONEY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000
in the collection plate. This went on for weeks
until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that
you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week
my son sends me money, and what I don't need
I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how
much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do
for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does
he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in
Las Vegas and another in Reno."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a guy walking down the street in San
Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking
oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his
jacket, because he thought it was priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF*
A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright,
I have had enough with this three wish stuff,
and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"

The surprised man said, " OK, I want to live
in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three
million dollars in the master bedroom, but I
am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to
build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy?
Do you know how long that will take, with the
pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it would take for the highway?
No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want
to understand women."

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes
or four?"


A MAN WORRIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband. A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand
him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with
a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new one.


I CAN AND I WILL
Sunday 15th April 2007
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can’t be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."


GOT CHA
Sunday 15th April 2007
On their way home after celebrating their
25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful
evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet", says the husband.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black
velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But
what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.


OLD AGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three ladies were discussing the travails of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself
with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing
in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making
a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the landing of the stairs and
can't remember whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm
glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


WINE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees
a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and
quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and
says, "Good trade."


CANNIBAAAALS
Sunday 15th April 2007
There were three men going camping in a far away island.Cannabils attacked them and brought them to their layer.
"Bring aton of certin fruit back here" said the cannibal chief.
So the first two men get back first.
"You have to put 20 of each fruit up your butt without making any face esspresion at all"
The first man had apples.He got to 4 before he went crazy.They cooked and stewed him.The second had tomatoes."This'll be easy"He thought.
He made it to 14 then went laughing.So they cooked him.Up in Heaven...
'Why did you lose it you were so close."
"I saw the other guy have cocunuts"


EYE OF GRATITUDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
In the prime of her career, a world famous
painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful
that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and
therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic
eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a
press conference to unveil her latest work of
art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,
'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'


BALL ROLLING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three men were waiting at Heaven's gates. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."
She says to the first two guys, "I lied."


YOU WERE THERE TO SUPPORT ME
Sunday 15th April 2007
The woman's husband had been slipping in and
out of a coma for several months, yet she had
stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full
of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fillwith warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


YO MAMMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mamma is like a bicycle everyone gets a ride.


THAT BIG APE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas
and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive
erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes
off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the
cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man
was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the
hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you
be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."


CLEAN WHATS ZAT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could
never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began
the same way - 'Take a clean dish."


IT'S A PERIOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little
Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny
had in mind for his report, so she asked him
just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what
is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this
morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy
had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."


I OWE MY MOTHER
Sunday 15th April 2007
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."< BR>
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


OUTDOOR BARBECUING
Sunday 15th April 2007
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man
will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking,
the following chain of events is put into motion:


1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and
dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking,
places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who
is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.


4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and
check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that
the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and
hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings
them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table
and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
"her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed
reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.


A DYING WISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."


TRAVIS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.


KELLY
Sunday 15th April 2007
kelly loved this man named travis. She said he was her true love. He asked her one day, are you ready to have babies? She said, yes i want to but i have to tell you something dear.please forgive me, but i cant have babies w/ you. they will look hidious. but your my true love so we can at least have safe sex. SITUATION: Travis left Kelly because of her attitude.


DRIVE THEM WILD
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money


NY TIMES AD
Sunday 15th April 2007
Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.


FACTORY WORKERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."


THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


TWO CANNIBALS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."


NOTHING WORKS
Sunday 15th April 2007
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"


MALE BASHING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.


LOOKING GOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."


"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"


MAJORLY BUSTED
Sunday 15th April 2007
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"


MEN SHOULD LISTEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


GREAT JOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."


HIS AND HERS ROAD TRIP
Sunday 15th April 2007
HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside..
And of course you're still lost.


HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.

Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what..

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.


NOT SO DUMB
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.


MR RIGHT APPLICATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

________


THE DIAPER
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"


THE PERFECT STORY
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


HE SAID SHE SAID
Sunday 15th April 2007
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


HER AGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."


FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE
Sunday 15th April 2007
17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."


FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
Sunday 15th April 2007
AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast


GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work.. more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"


CHINESE COUPLE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."


COSMETIC SURGERY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"


FAMILY PANTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"


11 SIGNS OF PMS
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.


FACTS OF LIFE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.


GIRLS ARE EVIL
Sunday 15th April 2007
Girls = time * money

time = money, therefore:

Girls = money * money (*)

But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus:

money = sqrt(evil)

Taking into account (*), we have:

Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil)

And finally:

Girls = |evil|

Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!


ANNIVERSARY FLOWERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".


CHEAP DATE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."


EFFICIENCY EXPERT
Sunday 15th April 2007
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


GARDEN OF EDEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?"

So God said, "I will put on earth a woman, "

"'What is this ‘woman’?" asked Adam.

"A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God.

"Oh holy master, what is the price for this women"' asked Adam.

"The price for her is your left arm and your right eye," said God.

Then Adam replied, "Ehh... what can I get for a rib?"


BABY HERMAPHRODITE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"


"I" Insulting Jokes

I - Insult jokes
03/19/2011

Insults Jokes

INSULTING JOKES

 

YOUR MAMA IS SO OLD...
Sunday 15th April 2007
(T)Your mama is so old.
(A)How old is she?
(T)Your mama is so old, when she breastfeeds it comes out as powder.
(A)Then add a little water.


AND YOU EXPECTED WHAT?
Sunday 15th April 2007
When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally
sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought
we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That
had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the
guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."


YO MAMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo mama so ugly she made the grim reaper cry!


BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first
guy says to the second. "You know, we could make
a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end
of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch
him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,
the second guy misses him. The first guy falls
again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine,
but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"


TOO MANY
Sunday 15th April 2007
So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.

Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.

Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".

Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".

Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".


YOU GOT THE WARNING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Finding one of her students making faces at
others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher
said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and
I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."


SHIT HAPPENS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience
more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you
explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit
on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still
doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you
don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you
realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 pounds.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out
before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit
usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh Shit ...Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. On NO! How do I
get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't
smell too bad, but this shit is BAD, and it left skid marks. Usually there's
somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also
usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like
the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go
numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats
back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands
to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch
in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you
finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of
an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet
bowl and seat.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to
take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper
and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you
start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out.
This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle
without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

And the dump list...
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you
will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you
haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a
real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is
a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the
splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all
is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close
the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day
stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the
Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use
the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the
rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer
cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could
always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet -
and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of
the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and
then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your
loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies
trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.
Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to
help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility
like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a
Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the
precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop
loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite
opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip
the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little
bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between
you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll
and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer
waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything
will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can
guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person
who comes in.


MICHAEL JACKSON
Sunday 15th April 2007
what do michael jackson and a PS2 have in common?


WHERE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Where in the hell do you get your jokes? The internet?!?


TOILET PAPER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.

Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.


TWINS
Sunday 15th April 2007
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield


SISTER
Sunday 15th April 2007
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson


YOU LOOK FAMILIAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?




WHEN THEY GAVE OUT
Sunday 15th April 2007
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft"

When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"

When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"

When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"

When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"

When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those"

When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit"

When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"

When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy"




THE DUCKS IN HEAVEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Jake, Greg, and John all die and go to Heaven. When they get to
Heaven's gates, St. Peter says that Heaven is the best place
ever and that they may stay there for eternity and be very happy
if the just follow the one and only rule: don't step on a duck.
If you step on a duck, it starts quacking, and then they ALL
start quacking, and it's just way too much racket! Jake, Greg,
and John all think that this rule is pretty strange, but they
agree and go into Heaven. Then they see that everywhere there's
ducks. There were so many ducks that they had a hard time just
walking around in heaven.

Now Jake tried hard not to step on a duck, but he was quite
clumsy, and almost immediately he stepped on a duck. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, creating a huge
racket. Immediately St. Peter marched up to him and screamed "I
told you not to step on a duck! Now see what you did? It started
quacking, and they ALL started quacking, and it's just too much
noise!" And he chained a ferocious-looking Amazon woman onto him
to stay for all eternity as punishment.

Seeing this, Greg was VERY careful not to step on a duck. But,
after a few weeks, he stepped on one anyway. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, and St. Peter marched
up to him. "I told you not to step on a duck!" he screamed, and
chained to him a horrid-looking shrew-like woman to stay for all
of eternity as punishment.

Now John was EXTREMELY careful not to step on a duck. Actually,
he didn't step on a duck for seven whole months! Then St. Peter
came up to him and chained to him a beautiful blonde woman for
all of eternity.

"Wow," said John, "I wonder what I did to deserve this!" "I
don't know about you," the woman said, "but I stepped on a duck!"




HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."




PEACE ON YOU
Sunday 15th April 2007
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna
Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I
don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no
understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my
room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the
manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to
the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I
say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to
Italy.

 

THE CHRISTMAS BIKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.


The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"


"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.


The little boy replied "Yes Sir".


"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.


"Yes", said the Officer.


"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.


"Yes he did!" said the officer.


"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

 

THE THREE DWARFS
Sunday 15th April 2007
One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.


The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"


The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"


The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"


So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.


When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"


The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"


The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.


"What's the matter?", his friends asked.


The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill
Clinton?!?!!"

 

 

 

 


Note to this joke: You can insert anyone's (male) name in
place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!

 

STUFF YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A COP
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in. And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic
said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin'
about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform
makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is "stick
up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively
good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You
don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you? "Bad
Cop! No Donut!" You're not gonna check the trunk, are
you? "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."
"Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the
breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and
blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's nightstand. I bet I could grab that gun
before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the
take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn
them off or I am not speaking to you. Gee,officer!
That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too! "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as
one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far
they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because
your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you
were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No,
I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak
up or just leave me alone. What do you mean 'have I
been drinking?' You're the trained specialist. Well,
when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and
gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey is
that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity
searches?

 

HOW TO PRODUCE UGLY CHILDREN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.


"GRAY HAIR"
Sunday 15th April 2007
A glimpse into our future...


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Gray Hair"

A senior
citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign
up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for
proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the
embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After
explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't
worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray
you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt
and

was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving
home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him,
smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You
would have qualified for disability too!"

 

"THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY"
Sunday 15th April 2007
"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to
celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their
honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in
the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next
morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the
nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty
years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which
he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging
in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

 

WIFE IS LEAVING FOR VEGAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A wife comes home and says to her husband, "I am moving to
Las Vegas - I hear you can get $400 for sex". The husband
runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says "I'm
coming along to see this!"

"Why?" asks the wife, "Why would you come to Las Vegas with
me?"

Husband replies, "Because I've gotta see you live on $800 a
year!"


BLIND INSPECTOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his
office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I
know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"


RISING TO THE OCCASION
Sunday 15th April 2007
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology
professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very
next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African
natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a
cock twelve inches long."


The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

 

KISSING THE STONE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too
hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.


The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."


"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't
kiss the stupid stone."


"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good
fortune."


"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.


"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on
it."

 

BREAKING UP
Sunday 15th April 2007
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally
decided to break up with him.

"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of
humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never
seem to say anything funny."

Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply
smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm
sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled
and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave
$20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way
out."


YOU KNOW YOUR UGLY WHEN . . .
Sunday 15th April 2007
You know your ugly when . . .

Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.


DEAD DONKEY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
referred the Preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant &
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"



UGLY CHILDREN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q. What position do you have to be in to have an ugly child?


A. Go ask your mother!

 

YOUR PROCTOLOGIST CALLED
Sunday 15th April 2007
"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"


ANOTHER YO MOMMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.

 

THE BEST WAY TO INSULT A LOSER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look
... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not
inflatable"


MONICA LEWINSKY'S SURGERY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her
love handles removed . . . they removed her ears.


WHAT NOT TO SAY IN KANSAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.


The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"


The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."

 

WONDER PANTIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
She must have the new wonder panties because it's a wonder
how she got all that ass in them.


THE POLICE ACADEMY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy
sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first
and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question
before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"


The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."


The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."


The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same
thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're
admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"


The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."


The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."


The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.
The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells
him to go home and think about it for a week and come back
and tell him.


The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his
first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't
believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to
a murder case!"

 

IF I WERE AS UGLY AS YOU . . .
Sunday 15th April 2007
If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his behind and
make him walk backwards.


COMEBACK - YOU'RE SO SHORT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: What is the perfect come back when someone calls you
short?

A: I might be short but your ugly and I still have time to
grow!


SHOPPING
Sunday 15th April 2007
A woman goes to buy a chicken and, after rejecting several,
she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First,
she lifts a wing and smells underneath. Then she lifts the
other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's
legs and smells again. "Mister," she says to the butcher,
"this chicken is no good. I want to see another one." The
butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "can you pass a
test like that?"

 

SEND IT TO THE CITY
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an
inspection.

The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please,
after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do
you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and
then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you
do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles
from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those
leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as
well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."


BAD DENTAL WORK
Sunday 15th April 2007
You have so many gaps in between your teeth, your tongue
feels like it's in jail!


YOU ARE SO CHEAP - DOOR BELL
Sunday 15th April 2007
You are so cheap . . .


When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell,
"ding dong!"

 

INSULT - YOU'RE SO STUPID
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your so stupid . . .

You bought a solar powered flashlight!


IRISH QUEERS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?


A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.

 

3 LITTLE BOYS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first
little black boy says, "What would you do with a million
dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac
over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink
Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy
asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy
replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked
"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of
hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

 

YOU ARE SO POOR - KICKING A CAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
You are so poor . . .


When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked
what you were doing. You said you were moving!

 

PROSTITUTE WITH NO LEGS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?


A: Cash and Carry

 

LOOK! TWINS!
Sunday 15th April 2007
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned
me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield


HELEN KELLER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Helen Keller fell into a hole in the ground. She shouted
for help and no one came to her aid. She continued shouting
until her hands started to hurt.


YOU ARE SO STUPID . . . SOCKS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Your so stupid . . .

You have a drawer for your "right socks", and a drawer for
your "left socks".


BENEFICIARY
Sunday 15th April 2007
You're life is so bad, when you asked your wife who I should
be the beneficiary of your new life insurance policy, and she
said her mother.

 

PORCH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A lady called a man to paint her porch. When he got there
she told him that everything he needed was in the garage.
The lady returned from shopping later that day and the man
said, "That's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

 

REINCARNATION?
Sunday 15th April 2007
"Not that I believe in reincarnation," said the young man to
his hyperprudish date, "but what were you before you died?"

 

PUBERTY INSULT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say,
"Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"


INSULT - SISTER
Sunday 15th April 2007
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment
in your sister.

-- Johnny Carson



BAD HAIRCUT
Sunday 15th April 2007
When your friend says he/she got a bad haircut and the phone
rings, tell them it's "Fantastic Sam's . . . they want to
settle out of court."


DON'T DROWNED SKINNY BOY
Sunday 15th April 2007


How do you stop an ethiopian from drowning throw him a polo


THE CAVE
Sunday 15th April 2007


your so fat that your belly button lokes like a cave


ABNOXIOUS
Sunday 15th April 2007
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.




COMPLAINT LETTER
Sunday 15th April 2007
An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept....

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


WRITE WITH OTHER HAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''


BAGS IN DIFFERENT PLACES
Sunday 15th April 2007
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


YO MOMMA'S SO STUPID
Sunday 15th April 2007

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.

Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.

Yo momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what the number for 911 was.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dogg's holiday album.

Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo momma's so stupid, I saw her standing on an empty bus.

Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells are on the endangered species list.

Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells die alone.

Yo momma's so stupid, it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.

Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a half hour to make minute rice.

Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.

Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for help to use hamburger helper.

Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what is the number for 911.

Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo momma's so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo momma's so stupid, she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed!

Yo momma's so stupid, she called the cocaine hot line to order some.

Yo momma's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.

Yo momma's so stupid, she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo momma's so stupid, she couldn't read an audio book.

Yo momma's so stupid, she gets lost in thought.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in Food Mart and half starved.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

Yo momma's so stupid, she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

Yo momma's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo momma's so stupid, she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken!

Yo momma's so stupid, she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed.

Yo momma's so stupid, she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did!

Yo momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

Yo momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo momma's so stupid, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free bread.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet!

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trians.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a hot meal is stolen food.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund!

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was change.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought manual labor was a Mexican!

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the stereo.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train.

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought socialism means partying!

Yo momma's so stupid, she thought softball was a venereal disease!

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a job cutting grass offshore.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the super bowl.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo momma's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb.

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.

Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo momma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone!

Yo momma's so stupid, she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went swimming to a car pool.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

Yo momma's so stupid, she wrote `M, F, sometimes Wed' under "SEX?"

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did!


YO MOMMA'S SO UGLY
Sunday 15th April 2007

Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo momma's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make cookies.

Yo momma's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo momma's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars.

Yo momma's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo momma's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!

Yo momma's so ugly, when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out!

Yo momma's so ugly, even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly, on Halloween the kids trick or treat her by phone!

Yo momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo momma's so ugly, people go as her to Halloween parties.

Yo momma's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo momma's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo momma's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo momma's so ugly, I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick.

Yo momma's so ugly, I've seen cow pies I'd rather do it with.

Yo momma's so ugly, Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!

Yo momma's so ugly, a fly wouldn't sit on her.

Yo momma's so ugly, even rice krispies won't talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail!

Yo momma's so ugly, her doctor is a veterinarian.

Yo momma's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!

Yo momma's so ugly, her face is like a melted willy.

Yo momma's so ugly, her momma had to be drunk to breast feed her.

Yo momma's so ugly, her nickname is Damn!

Yo momma's so ugly, her vibrator turned limp!

Yo momma's so ugly, if she joined an ugly contest they'd say sorry no.

Yo momma's so ugly, if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!

Yo momma's so ugly, it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails face down!

Yo momma's so ugly, not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!

Yo momma's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo momma's so ugly, she can turn Madusa to stone.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could curdle urine.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could gag a maggot on a gutwagon.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could make a freight train take a gravel road.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare a dog off a meat truck.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck.

Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!

Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!

Yo momma's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo momma's so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!

Yo momma's so ugly, she had a face that would sink a thousand ships.

Yo momma's so ugly, she had to get her baby drunk to breast feed it!

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to get her vibrator drunk first.

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a cup of water!

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze.

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on her mirror.

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

Yo momma's so ugly, she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.

Yo momma's so ugly, she just got a job at the airport sniffing for drugs.

Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries!

Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like the elephant man chewing on a wasp.

Yo momma's so ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma's so ugly, she make my ass pucker.

Yo momma's so ugly, she make onions cry.

Yo momma's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on!

Yo momma's so ugly, she puts on her makeup in the dark!

Yo momma's so ugly, she scares the roaches away.

Yo momma's so ugly, she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.

Yo momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo momma's so ugly, she walked past a mirror and it exploded.

Yo momma's so ugly, she won't even play with herself!

Yo momma's so ugly, she wore a pork chop to get the dog to play.

Yo momma's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

Yo momma's so ugly, she'd scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Yo momma's so ugly, she's the cover girl for iodine.

Yo momma's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo momma's so ugly, that when she looks at a glass of milk it turns to cheese.

Yo momma's so ugly, the NHL banned her for life.

Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo momma's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

Yo momma's so ugly, the tide won't even take her out.

Yo momma's so ugly, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

Yo momma's so ugly, they only wanted her feet for the freak show.

Yo momma's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo momma's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo momma's so ugly, they put her in dough and made monster cookies!

Yo momma's so ugly, they threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Yo momma's so ugly, they turn off the cameras when she walks into a bank!

Yo momma's so ugly, they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders!!

Yo momma's so ugly, when I first saw her, my momma was nauseous.

Yo momma's so ugly, when a baby, she was breast fed through a straw!

Yo momma's so ugly, when a child, she had to be fed with a slingshot!

Yo momma's so ugly, when she cries the tears run up her face.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she goes to the beach the tide won't come in!

Yo momma's so ugly, when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she walk by the bathroom the toilet flushes.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she walk into a bank they turn the cameras off!

Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born her incubator windows were tinted.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped her momma!

Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born the windows in her incubator were tinted.

Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to jump in the lake the lake jumped back!

Yo momma's so ugly, when you look up ugly in the dictionary it has her picture.

Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy rather kiss her ass than look in her face.

Yo momma's so ugly, you could tell the face only 'cuz it had ears.

Yo momma's so ugly, zookeepers said thanks for bringin' the bitch back!


MISC. YO MOMMA JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007

Yo momma armpits so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!

Yo momma house so small her washcloth makes wall-to-wall carpeting.

Yo momma house so small the doormat just says "WEL"

Yo momma like Betty Crocker icing: Always ready to spread.

Yo momma like Chinese food: Sweet sour and cheap!

Yo momma like Crazy Eddie: She's practically giving it all away.

Yo momma like a 7-11. On every corner and always open.

Yo momma like a 7-UP: Never had it never will.

Yo momma like a Christmas tree: Everybody hangs balls on her.

Yo momma like a Denny's: Open 24 hours.

Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"

Yo momma like a birthday cake: Everybody gets a piece.

Yo momma like a bowling ball: You can fit three fingers in.

Yo momma like a bubble gum machine: 25 cents a blow.

Yo momma like a bus: Fifty cents and she's ready to ride!

Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.

Yo momma like a catsup bottle: Everyone gets a squeeze out of her!

Yo momma like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn.

Yo momma like a goalie: Changes pads after three periods.

Yo momma like a golf course: Everyone gets a hole in one!

Yo momma like a race car: She's always burning rubber.

Yo momma like a railroad track: Gets laid all over the country.

Yo momma like a refrigerator: Everyone puts their meat in!

Yo momma like a revolving door: Everyone gets a turn.

Yo momma like a screen door: After a couple bangs she loosens up!

Yo momma like a shotgun: Give her a cock and she blows.

Yo momma like a smokehouse: Always full of meat.

Yo momma like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away.

Yo momma like a stop sign: She's on every corner.

Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner: A real good suck.

Yo momma like a video game: Four men for a dollar!

Yo momma like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"

Yo momma like an ice cream cone: Everyone gets a lick.

Yo momma like mustard: She spreads easy.

Yo momma like potato chips: Fri-to Lay.

Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy: Everyone gets a poke!

Yo momma like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man: Everybody gets a piece.

Yo momma pubic hair is so nappy the crabs ride dune buggies.

Yo momma pussy so dry the crabs carry canteens.

Yo momma so generous that she would give all her money to a bum.

Yo momma so nasty when your daddy ate her pussy he got food poisoning.

Yo momma so poor she was kickin a can, and said she was "moving!"

Yo momma so pretty that I would love to fuck her in the ass without lube.

Yo momma so short she trips on spit.

Yo momma so small she gotta hang glide on a Dorito.

Yo momma so stinky she can knock a buzzard off a' shit wagon!

Yo momma so stinky she make Right Guard turn left!


MEAN THINGS TO SAY TO PEOPLE
Sunday 15th April 2007

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.


POOR JOKE - KICKING A CAN
Tuesday 10th April 2007
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!


A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
Tuesday 6th February 2007
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.

I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.

Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!

You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.

You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.

After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.

You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.

I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!


INFLATABLE GIRLFRIEND
Friday 12th January 2007
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"


YO MOMMA'S SO FAT
Monday 1st January 2007

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate

Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo momma's so fat, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo momma's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"

Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Yo momma's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in!

Yo momma's so fat, I had to walk around her and got lost.

Yo momma's so fat, I took her to a dance and the band skipped.

Yo momma's so fat, I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

Yo momma's so fat, McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats.

Yo momma's so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her!

Yo momma's so fat, after sex she smokes a turkey!

Yo momma's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts!

Yo momma's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo momma's so fat, everytime she walks in high heels she strikes oil!

Yo momma's so fat, her big toe got stuck in the catflap.

Yo momma's so fat, her blood type is Ragu!

Yo momma's so fat, her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Yo momma's so fat, her butt looks like 2 pigs fightin' over Milkduds.

Yo momma's so fat, her doctor's a grounds keeper.

Yo momma's so fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

Yo momma's so fat, her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky!

Yo momma's so fat, her nickname is "damn".

Yo momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!

Yo momma's so fat, her tits are in two different time zones.

Yo momma's so fat, her toes bleed when she walks!

Yo momma's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds she'd get group insurance.

Yo momma's so fat, if she'd died you'd have to take her out in two trips.

Yo momma's so fat, it say on her driver's license Picture continued on back.

Yo momma's so fat, it takes a forklift to help her stand up.

Yo momma's so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass!

Yo momma's so fat, light gets stuck near her.

Yo momma's so fat, mosquitoes see her and scream buffet!

Yo momma's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo momma's so fat, people use her dandruff as quilts.

Yo momma's so fat, sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo momma's so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo momma's so fat, she can smell bacon frying in Canada!

Yo momma's so fat, she can use Mt. Everest for a dildo.

Yo momma's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.

Yo momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite she's got cellu-heavy!

Yo momma's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo momma's so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!

Yo momma's so fat, she gets stuck in her dreams!

Yo momma's so fat, she got a run in her blue jeans.

Yo momma's so fat, she got her baby pictures taken by satellite.

Yo momma's so fat, she got hit by a parked car!

Yo momma's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock?

Yo momma's so fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

Yo momma's so fat, she had a run in her jeans!

Yo momma's so fat, she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo momma's so fat, she had stretch marks when she was a virgin.

Yo momma's so fat, she had to get out of bed to roll over.

Yo momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

Yo momma's so fat, she has a part-time job as a trampoline!

Yo momma's so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

Yo momma's so fat, she has her own area code!

Yo momma's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - AatAss Jeans.

Yo momma's so fat, she has her own gravity.

Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than a Mary Jane truck.

Yo momma's so fat, she has shocks on her toilet seat.

Yo momma's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets!

Yo momma's so fat, she has to go outside to put on deodorant.

Yo momma's so fat, she has to go outside to sit around the house.

Yo momma's so fat, she has to lay down to tie her shoe.

Yo momma's so fat, she has to use hoola-hoops to hold her socks up.

Yo momma's so fat, she hides her goiter with her chin.

Yo momma's so fat, she influences the tides.

Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes in the driveway!

Yo momma's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.

Yo momma's so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.

Yo momma's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Yo momma's so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!

Yo momma's so fat, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.

Yo momma's so fat, she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

Yo momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Yo momma's so fat, she shaves her legs with a lawn mower.

Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.

Yo momma's so fat, she stands in two time zones.

Yo momma's so fat, she stepped on a rainbow and made skidmarks!

Yo momma's so fat, she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please.

Yo momma's so fat, she takes baths in swimming pools.

Yo momma's so fat, she thinks Church`s Chicken`s a holy place.

Yo momma's so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.

Yo momma's so fat, she thought gravy was a beverage.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses a VCR as a beeper!

Yo momma's so fat, she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.

Yo momma's so fat, she uses the freeway as a Slip n' Slide!

Yo momma's so fat, she wakes up in sections!

Yo momma's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.

Yo momma's so fat, she was zoned for commercial development.

Yo momma's so fat, she wears a microwave for a beeper!

Yo momma's so fat, she wears two watches because she's in two time zones!

Yo momma's so fat, she went to the beach and sold shade!

Yo momma's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!

Yo momma's so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair.

Yo momma's so fat, she won Miss Bessie the Cow @YEAR@.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own post code.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own zip code!

Yo momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo momma's so fat, she's in two time zones at the same time!

Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family!

Yo momma's so fat, she's sits on coal and farts out a diamond.

Yo momma's so fat, she's works in the movies -- as the screen.

Yo momma's so fat, the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her.

Yo momma's so fat, the airline charges her round trip for each flight.

Yo momma's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo momma's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn.

Yo momma's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo momma's so fat, they invented super extra strength ultra SlimFast.

Yo momma's so fat, they mistake her for a country.

Yo momma's so fat, to her light food means under 4 Tons.

Yo momma's so fat, to lose a few pounds she takes off her girdle.

Yo momma's so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Yo momma's so fat, when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up!

Yo momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.

Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.

Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps she goes straight down to hell.

Yo momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo momma's so fat, when she falls it measures on the Richter scale!

Yo momma's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it!

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to parties people scream Kool-Aid!

Yo momma's so fat, when she has sex she has to give directions!

Yo momma's so fat, when she has to haul ass it takes two trips!

Yo momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo momma's so fat, when she moons people they turn into Werewolves.

Yo momma's so fat, when she puts her foot down she clears rain forests.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sings, it's over!

Yo momma's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sweats everyone around her wears raincoats!

Yo momma's so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.

Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around its her birthday.

Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome-back party.

Yo momma's so fat, when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.

Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she leaves snail tracks....

Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she wears her X jacket helicopters try to land.

Yo momma's so fat, when she wears red all the kids scream Koolaid!

Yo momma's so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo momma's so fat, when you put her in a Jacuzzi she makes her own gravy!

Yo momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo momma's so fat, you can slap her thighs and ride the waves in!

Yo momma's so fat, you can't tell if she is coming or going...

Yo momma's so fat, you couldn't tell where her boobs end and her arms begin.

Yo momma's so fat, you gotta slam her thigh and ride the wave...

Yo momma's so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off of her.

Yo momma's so fat, your family portrait has stretch marks.


CONFUSION
Sunday 24th December 2006
Q. What is the definition of confusion?


A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.


"H" Holiday Jokes

H-Holiday jokes
03/19/2011

Holiday Jokes


6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

4. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

3. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"


'TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.


A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.


POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA
Sunday 15th April 2007
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.


ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME . . .
Sunday 15th April 2007
December 14, 2003


Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

This document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.


A MARTHA STEWART CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.


RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Sunday 15th April 2007

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.


DID SANTA GIVE YOU THAT PRESENT?
Sunday 15th April 2007
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.


The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."


ENTER THE PEARLY GATES
Sunday 15th April 2007

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."


LOST X FILES CHRISTMAS EPISODE
Sunday 15th April 2007

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some thing.

Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...


TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS
Sunday 15th April 2007

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.


A PARENT'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!


TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT GIFTS YOU DON'T LIKE
Sunday 15th April 2007
10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.


THE FIRST REINDEER SEEN IN A BAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."


THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS FOR AN ATTORNEY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:


CHRISTMAS DOWNSIZING
Sunday 15th April 2007
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS
Sunday 15th April 2007
T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."


TEN WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)


2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.


THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"


ADDICTED TO THE WEB
Sunday 15th April 2007
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!


Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)


AN INTERNET CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"


TWELVE DAYS OF FAST FOOD
Sunday 15th April 2007
On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese


TWELVE DAYS MICROSOFT
Sunday 15th April 2007
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!


SHORT REINDEER JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !


SHORT SNOW JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !


SHORT CHRISTMAS JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !


KNOCK KNOCK CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?


Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull... !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Igloo
Igloo who ?
Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !


SHORT FATHER CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !


SANTA VS. SYSTEM ADMINS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.


2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.


SANTA'S PET PEEVES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.

7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"

5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask

4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School

3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

1. Two words: lap rash


WITHOUT A CHRISTMAS BONUS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets


SICK OF THE HOLIDAYS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You're serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies

2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash


I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY CHEAP
Sunday 15th April 2007
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.


"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.


THE FAA INSPECTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."


THE POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.


RATING YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."


THE TWELVE DAYS OF WINDOWS 95
Sunday 15th April 2007
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

9 apps a crashin'
8 megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

12 illegal operations
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC


THE SHOPPING CRIMINAL
Sunday 15th April 2007
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."


YOU NEED TO JOIN THE LORD'S ARMY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'


THE CHINESE PAY OFF THEIR DEBTS
Sunday 15th April 2007

Jones: "The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day."

Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!"


BILLY GATES WRITES TO SANTA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.

I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.

That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates


WHAT IS A STABLE?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."


ITALIAN NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"


WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!


I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".


I'M SENDING OUT SOME CARDS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


JOKES ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"


Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."


JOKES ABOUT IRELAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,

"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."


HUMOR ABOUT IRELAND
Sunday 15th April 2007
Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."


Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"


JOKES ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"


It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"


HUMOR ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."


HUMOR ABOUT ST. PATRICKS DAY
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.


LEPRECHAUN JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."


Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.


HUMOR ABOUT LEPRECHAUNS
Sunday 15th April 2007
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."


A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."


JOKES ABOUT THE IRISHMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."

"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."

"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."


Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."

Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."

A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected."

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?"


IRISH PUB JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.

Murphy said, "Where are we now?"

The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."

"It's a big place," said Murphy.

The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."

And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.


HUMOR ABOUT IRISH PUBS
Sunday 15th April 2007
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!

"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"

"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."

Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"


An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."


JOKES ABOUT THE STUPID IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."

The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"


Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"


HUMOR ABOUT THE STUPID IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"


Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.


HUMOR ABOUT DRUNK IRISHMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."


Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.


SHORT IRISH JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


JOKES ABOUT DUMB IRISHMEN
Sunday 15th April 2007
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."


"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"


HUMOR ABOUT IRISH MARRIAGES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.


The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.


FUNNY JOKES ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......"

The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."


The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.

Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"


FUNNY HUMOR ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.

"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."

To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."


Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

"It's windy," said one.

"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"


HILARIOUS JOKES ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"


Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"


AMUSING JOKES ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.


Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."


AMUSING HUMOR ABOUT THE IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."


"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"


IRISH RELIGION JOKES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish off the stations!"


Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."


IRISH RELIGION HUMOR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."


JOKES ABOUT THE FIGHTING IRISH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"


It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant:

"Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ...."

The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N."

Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:

"Old MacDonald had a ...."

"Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H."

Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:

"Old MacDonald had a...."

"Farm," the Irishman proudly stated.

"Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm."

The Irishman thought for a moment. "E I E I O."


SERVICE FOR YOUR DOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."


"E" Ethnic Jokes

E-Ethnic Jokes
03/19/2011

Ethnic Jokes


The boy replies, "But I don't want a gun. I want a golden watch!"

Vito looks strangely at his son and says, "Wadda you want wit a watch?" Before the son can answer that he says, "Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?"

The son replies, "Time's up, Mario!"


RICE
Thursday 3rd May 2007
Why can't Chinese Barbecue?

Because the rice falls through the grill.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo


WEDDING NIGHT
Friday 27th April 2007
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother.

"This is a job for Mama."


WHAT'S ON YOUR BACK?
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."


MARKETING TRANSLATIONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.


ENGLISH IS REALLY CRAZY
Sunday 15th April 2007
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.


MEASURING ON THE JOB
Sunday 15th April 2007
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".


ENGLISH IS VERY STRANGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


DEFINING THESE WORDS
Sunday 15th April 2007
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L'état, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)


ANGERING THE IRISHMAN
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."


TEXAS BUILDS IT LARGER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."


FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to

higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high

prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,

family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit

for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.


CAUGHT BY A LOCAL TRIBE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!


COMPETITION OF A NATION
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"


DEFINING THE AMERICANS
Sunday 15th April 2007
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.


WELCOMING TO AMERICA
Sunday 15th April 2007
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"


NATIVE AMERICAN TRADES
Sunday 15th April 2007
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"


TOURING GUIDE FOR NORTH
Sunday 15th April 2007
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.

7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.


UNFAMILIAR WITH A TERM
Sunday 15th April 2007
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"


THROWING AWAY GARBAGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."


NATIVE AMERICAN HEARS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!


RESEARCHING THIS INSECT
Sunday 15th April 2007
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"


LEARNING CHINESE TERMS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice


JAPAN'S QUALITY STANDARD
Sunday 15th April 2007
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."


FINDING A CHINESE JEW
Sunday 15th April 2007
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."


DIPLOMAT WANTS WATER
Sunday 15th April 2007
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.


REMAINING AS ENEMIES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


EATING THE PIECE OF FRUIT
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


NEWFIE GOES SKYDIVING
Sunday 15th April 2007
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"


USING NAILS ON A HOUSE
Sunday 15th April 2007
These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"


TOURING A NEW SAW MILL
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"


METHODS OF EXECUTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".


YOU ARE FROM CANADA
Sunday 15th April 2007
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

  1. You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

  2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

  3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

  4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

  5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

  6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

  7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

  8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

  9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

  10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

  11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

  12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

  13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

  14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

  15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

  16. You head south to go to your cottage.

  17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

  18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

  19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

  20. You find -40C a little chilly.

  21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

  22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

  23. You can play road hockey on skates.

  24. You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

  25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

  26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.




TRY TO SETTLE THE DISPUTE
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."


TRAVELING ON THE TRAIN
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."


THE NEW EURO LANGUAGE
Sunday 15th April 2007
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!


IRISHMAN DECLARES WAR
Sunday 15th April 2007
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"


MAKE IT OUT OF A DESERT
Sunday 15th April 2007
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."


A DRUNK IRISIHMAN FALLS
Sunday 15th April 2007
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


WHERE ARE YOU LIVING?
Sunday 15th April 2007
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."


TRAPPED WITHIN A BOG
Sunday 15th April 2007
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"


HISTORY OF THE BAGPIPES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.


QUESTION AND ANSWER
Sunday 15th April 2007
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.


IRISH GIRL CONFESSES SINS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."


FUJIFOO!
Sunday 15th April 2007
An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."


GOOD ON YA MATE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".

"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"

"Wakatu" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Leach Place" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate


VAMPIRES IN ITALY
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good.

So off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a
few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short
while a third young couple provides just that.

As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and
tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was
on the bridge.

As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang.

Do you know what he sang?

"...Drained wops keep falling on my head..."


ONLY IN AMERICA
Sunday 15th April 2007
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering..

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo


YAHOO
Sunday 15th April 2007
An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down.

A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off.

Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills.

When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks.

“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo


ONESTONE
Sunday 15th April 2007
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day, a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!

What is the moral of this story???



You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo


3 MEN IN SAUDI
Sunday 15th April 2007
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis


I NOT COME WORK
Sunday 15th April 2007
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."


The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.

Submitted by Verlaine
Edited by Calamjo


WHO GETS THE EGG
Sunday 15th April 2007
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."


INDIAN TO RESCUE
Sunday 15th April 2007
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady" the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....


NATCHITOCHES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."


ARAB AND AN ISRAELI
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.

When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"


ENGLISH NEW SUITS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two English men are walking along O'Connell Street in Ireland when they see a sign in a shop window. Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

One said to the other one, "Look at that. We could buy a lot of that gear and resell it when we get back to England. We could make a fortune!

When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent."

They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50.

The owner of the shop asks, "You're English aren't you?"

The Englishman replies, "Oh bother... Yes, how the hell did you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners..."

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Christine and Curtis


ITALIAN EXPREIENCE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Italian New York Hotel Experience.....
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.


DIRTY PADDY
Sunday 15th April 2007
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'


COLLECTION
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci


2012 OLYMPICS
Sunday 15th April 2007
The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about it.

Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people.

-Conan O'Brien


UNITED STATES
Sunday 15th April 2007
According to a new study by the National Geographic, 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world.

You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world?

Mexico!

-Jay Leno


FLUCTUATIONS
Sunday 15th April 2007
Two brothers, Ying and Yang, wandering down a street in America with arms full of purchases and cameras swinging from their necks, one of the brothers slips into the bank to exchange 30,000 yen into dollars.

Ying: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar, bow much I get?'

Teller: 'Oh, you will get $8000.'

Ying: ‘Fank you very much.'

Teller: 'You're welcome,' and hands Ying the $8000.

Ying and Yang carry on doing copious amounts of shopping until Yang says he is a little low on local currency.

So Ying told Yang to go to the same bank and get a good deal. So off Yang goes.

Yang: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar. Now much I get?'

Teller: 'Oh, you will get $6000. '

Yang: 'Only $6000! But how cum my broffer, just a few hour ago, get $8000?'

Teller: 'Fluctuations.'

Yang: 'Well, fluck you Yankees too!'


SCOTTISH LOVE RITES
Sunday 15th April 2007
New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity f*** ya bam.'

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.'

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?'
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yersel,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.'

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'F*** me, I've shot ma load.'
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.'
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?'
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.


DETECTIVE TEST
Sunday 15th April 2007
A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.


"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"


The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"


Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."


The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."


The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."


He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo


KIWI AND AUSSIE
Sunday 15th April 2007
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"


ELECTION UPDATE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Election update from http://www.aaronsjokes.com/

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh!t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.


TRACKER
Sunday 15th April 2007
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing." exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


IRAQ TV GUIDE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.

Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It's Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.

Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.

Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.

Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed's Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.


BUSH VS. OSAMA
Sunday 15th April 2007
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!


RESTAURANTS
Sunday 15th April 2007
A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"

One man replies, "We all very hungry!"

She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"

Another man answers, "Because menu say" 'First Come, First Served!'"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Christine


HEART ATTACK
Sunday 15th April 2007
For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to finally know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. Mexicans eat alot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink alot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apprently what kills you.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo


SMILE
Sunday 15th April 2007
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


ADAM AND EVE
Sunday 15th April 2007
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


"D" Dirty Jokes

D-Dirty Jokes
03/19/2011

Dirty Jokes

COOKIE THE CAT'S RESOLUTIONS
Saturday 1st January 2011
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in – and visa versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.


MINISKIRT
Saturday 1st January 2011
Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

Because their balls hang out!

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis


BLONDE AT THE SUPERM
Friday 31st December 2010
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


TRAVIS
Friday 31st December 2010
Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.


$5 FOR A PENGUIN
Friday 31st December 2010
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."



"What's a penguin?"



"You'll see."



So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"


MODERN SCIENCE
Friday 31st December 2010
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could
help to prevent herpes...


.. Must be a rubber tree...

 

DOCTORS V. GUN OWNERS
Thursday 30th December 2010
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!


BLONDE ON A PLANE
Thursday 30th December 2010
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".

The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"

The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."


BUCKWHEAT & DARLA
Thursday 30th December 2010
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"


LAWYERS CAN'T ADD
Thursday 30th December 2010
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"


BLONDES NEVER HAVE ICE
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe.


MONEY GRAM
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.

He got down & dirty with her.

Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."

The guy said: "No, here is $200."

Hooker responded: "You're so kind."

Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.

Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."

Hooker says: "You're so kind."

More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.

Hooker says: "$100, please."

The guy slaps her and hands her $200.

Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"

Guy says: "I'm from Texas."

The hooker says: "I am from there too."

The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman


EARMUFFS
Wednesday 29th December 2010
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?

To avoid the draft.


WHY DO YOU WEAR YOUR COLLAR THAT WAY?
Tuesday 28th December 2010
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down
next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a
strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest
before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have
your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I
wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also
a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear
your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the
father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered "I too am the father of
many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many
grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone
else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and
then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and
hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long
time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over
to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards."


KIDNAPPING
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.

"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


BEST FEATURE
Tuesday 28th December 2010
Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I can hear someone coming."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns -- they are firm and do not sag and have no cellulite! Look at this skin -- no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- that was me."


AN AMAZING TALKING DOG
Tuesday 28th December 2010
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"


BRIGHT IDEA
Monday 27th December 2010
On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"


CLEANER UNHAPPY
Monday 27th December 2010
Why was the cleaner unhappy with his job?

Because he believed that grime didn't pay!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman


BACK UP BOYS!
Monday 27th December 2010
Once there was a sperm named Bob.

When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.

One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing


YOU SEEN YOUR WIFE?
Sunday 26th December 2010
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"





To which he replied.

"That would be fine with me."





Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


CLINTON'S FAVORITE ROCK BAND
Sunday 26th December 2010
Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?


A: Cheap Trick.

 

UNION SHOP
Saturday 25th December 2010
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


DOCTOR VISIT
Saturday 25th December 2010
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your
tongue."


SURPLIZE, SURPLIZE
Saturday 25th December 2010
Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island.

On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp.

He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.

'I'll scout the island and we'll meet at the camp at dusk,' said the captain.

The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadn't returned.

'Where's that Jap with the supplies?' said the captain.

The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him.

They scout the whole island but can't find him.

Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, 'Surplize, surplize.'


BILL GATES IN HELL
Saturday 25th December 2010
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"

"Why the PC?", he continued ", "It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"

"Which three?" said Lucifer.

"Control, Alt and Delete!"


BLONDE SKELETON
Friday 24th December 2010
Q: What do you call a blonde's skeleton in a closet?

A: Last years hide-and-go-seek champion.


NURSE'S HELL
Friday 24th December 2010
A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.

Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.

Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.

Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.

After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.

Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!

He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"

"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman


AROUND THE HOUSE
Friday 24th December 2010
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.


IS IT A SIN?
Friday 24th December 2010
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I
gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I
am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said,
"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a
mistake."


PREMATURE
Thursday 23rd December 2010
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"


TRAILER
Thursday 23rd December 2010
What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?

Nothing, you're gonna lose the trailer either way!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo


HIGH IQ
Thursday 23rd December 2010
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor !

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis


THE FAMILY
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
OK GET THIS. OK THERES A MOTHER,A FATHER,A SON,AND A DAUGHTER THAY WERE HAVING SOME GUESTS FOR DINNER THAT NITE THE FATHER TELLS THE SON TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND NOT TO GET CANDY SO THE LITTLE BOY IS AT THE CANDY STORE GOES UP TO THE CLERK AND SAYS"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"

THE CLERK SAYS"YES" AND HANDS HIM THE KNIFE THE SON SAID TO THE CLERK "DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?"

THE CLERK KNODS YES AND POINTS TO IT.THE BOY WENT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE KNIFE AND CUTS OF HIS DICK GETS CANDY WITH THE MONEY GETS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER ASKS THE DAUGHTER TO GO GET A PUSSY (CAT) AND TOLD HER NOT TO BUY ANY GLITER THE MOTHER GIVES HER MONEY THE DAUGHTER GOES TO THE GLITER SHOP AND ASKS THE CLERK"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"

THE CLERK SAYS "YES" AND HANDS IT TO HER THEN SHE ASKS "DO HAVE A BATHROOM?"

HE KNODES YES AND POINTS. SHE GOES IN AND CUTS OFF HER PUSSY GETS GLITER WITH THE MONEY BACK HOME THE DAD ASKS THE SON IF HE CAN GO GET MEAT BALLS AND TELLS HIM NOT TO BUY CANDY AND GIVES HIM MONEY HE GOES TO THE CANDY STORE AND WELL YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPENS BACK HOME MOMS NOW MAKING DINNER ITS CHRISTMAS AND MOM GAVE SIS HER PRESENT (THE PUSSY) DAD GIVES BRO HIS PRESENT AND ITS CANDY LATER THAT NITE THAY STARTED EATING THERE FOOD I HOPE THAY GOT WHAT THAY WANTED. THE END


CATHOLIC MATH
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it's priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he'll try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -"A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that's your worse subject?"


" Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign - I knew they weren't mucking around!"


WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
Wednesday 22nd December 2010
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!


REDNECK QUICKIES 30
Tuesday 21st December 2010
You might be a redneck if...

After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your grandmother stands up to pee.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"

You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".


A KIND LAWYER?
Tuesday 21st December 2010
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"



, he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food."



, The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."



"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."





The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"


MOTHER'S ADVICE
Tuesday 21st December 2010
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.

The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci


HI LADIES
Tuesday 21st December 2010
A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke.'

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'


WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME DOCTOR?
Monday 20th December 2010
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a
drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30
every night . . . always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well,
do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is
on too tight."


NEW PREFIX
Monday 20th December 2010
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 32
Monday 20th December 2010
You might be a redneck if...

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.


NEW CAMPBELLS SOUP
Monday 20th December 2010
Campbell Soup announced today they would be
stocking America's shelves with a new soup called "Clinton
soup." Named after a distinguished politician, it consists of
one small weenie in hot water.



BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 09
Sunday 19th December 2010
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always hire a rich attorney.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!

Ambiguity is invariant.


PAINT MY HOUSE
Sunday 19th December 2010
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."


WET CAT
Sunday 19th December 2010
There was a cat and a rooster, and they were walking down the street.

The cat was the most beautiful cat in the world.

All of a sudden it stepped in a puddle and got wet.

The rooster started laughing, and even more roosters started going by the cat.

The moral of this story: Wherever there's a beautiful wet pussy, the cocks will come.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci


MAN'S WORST NIGH
Saturday 18th December 2010
Q: What is a man's worst nightmare? A: A hooker with a chipped tooth & the hiccups.


GORILLA REMOVAL
Saturday 18th December 2010
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.

When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."


NAIVE YOUNG GIRL
Saturday 18th December 2010
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.

She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.

Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.

You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"


KY JELLY PLEASURE
Friday 17th December 2010
My sister's boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."





He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, She smothered it all over the doorknobs... and he couldn't get back in.


PIG IN A BAR
Friday 17th December 2010
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''


PUTTING OUT THE CAT
Friday 17th December 2010
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis


LIMOS AND HEADLIGHTS
Friday 17th December 2010
One time there was a little boy who was really dirty. so the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her. he begged and begged so his mother finally said ok! as long as he didn't look up or down. so when they got inthe shower, the little boy loked up and siad mommy what r those? the mother repied headlights! then he looked down and asked her what that was? she said that was the garage. ok the litle oy said. the next week the little boy was really dirty again but this time he took a shower with his dad. The dad said, You can as long as you don't look down . so the little boy looked down and asked what he named it? the limo said the dad! That night the litle boy had a bad dream, so he went into his parents room to see if he could sleep with them? they finally agreed to it as long as he didn't look under the covers. so after about 5 min. he looked under the covers and said mommy turn on your headlights open the garage daddys long stechy limo's commin in!


CROCODILE BOOTS
Thursday 16th December 2010
One day this blonde came into the hunting store. She asked the clerk, "What's the lowest price on the crocodile boots?"

The clerk responded, "Our best price is $200, if you want a pair any cheaper than that there is a lake down the road, maybe you can get a pair yourself down there."

So the blonde says, "Well O.K! I'll go down to the lake."

About 5 hours later the clerk is walking by the lake on his way home. He sees the blonde grabbing crocodiles out of the lake and then throwing them back in.

Amassed at this he walks closer… eventually coming close enough to hear her saying, "Damn it! No boots on this one either!"


JUMP
Thursday 16th December 2010
A young man joins the Army and signs up with the paratroopers.

He goes through training and finally goes to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he calls his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asks.

"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. A dozen men got up and jumped!"

"Is that when you went?" asks the father.

"Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asks the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped, and I was the only man left. I told the sergeant that I was too scared. He told me to get out of the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me, but I grabbed the door and refused. Finally, he called over the jump master.
He's about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?'

I said, 'Sir, I'm too scared.' So he pulled out a baseball bat and said, 'Either you jump or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

"So did you jump?" asks the father.

"Well, a little . . . at first."


THE NEW VIAGRA
Thursday 16th December 2010
The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed
a pill to increase vaginal wetness in females. The new pill
will be called Niagra.

 

SEXUAL PROBLEMS
Thursday 16th December 2010
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.

"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.

He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.

Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.

Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!

Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."


PECKER
Wednesday 15th December 2010
A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out.

The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.

The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but isn't sure how to confront her about it.

The bartender replies, "Here's what you do, tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."

The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife.

As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is.

"Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.

The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."

His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci


NEVER LOOK THERE
Wednesday 15th December 2010
Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raleigh, N.C. in the Ford Bronco?

He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis


PLUGGED IN
Wednesday 15th December 2010
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm, well, let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman


ZOO TIME
Wednesday 15th December 2010
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me sir," says the young man "do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00" the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."


WANT TO GO INTO SPACE?
Tuesday 14th December 2010
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."


BLONDE RESTROOM ATTENDANT
Tuesday 14th December 2010
Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?

A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!


ITALIAN EXPREIENCE
Tuesday 14th December 2010
Italian New York Hotel Experience.....
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.


MIX UP AT THE HOSPITAL
Tuesday 14th December 2010
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."


BLONDES PLAYING GOLF
Monday 13th December 2010
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and
could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball
anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one
about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball
belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number
threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and
asked the golf pro for a ruling.


After hearing their story and congratulating them both on
their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,
"OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

 

DONKEY RAFFLE
Monday 13th December 2010
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

"OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny.

"Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.


BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 39
Monday 13th December 2010
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.


YO MAMMA SO FAT
Monday 13th December 2010
yo mamma so fat, when somebody told her to haul ass, it took 3 trips.


INSULT - SISTER
Sunday 12th December 2010
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment
in your sister.

-- Johnny Carson



HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
Sunday 12th December 2010
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk
and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher
asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found
Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"


INSURANCE MONEY
Sunday 12th December 2010
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"





The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."





The lawyer looked puzzled.

"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"


BOBS
Sunday 12th December 2010
Q. What do you call two gay guys named Bob?

A. Oral Roberts


LOST BLONDES
Saturday 11th December 2010
Two blondes walking through a thick forest became lost.
Trying to find their way out, they came across some tracks.
One blonds stated, "Those are deer tracks!" While the other
blonde said, "No. Those are moose tracks!" Well the two
argued and debated until the TRAIN hit them!


"C" Computer Jokes

C-Computer Jokes
03/19/2011

Computer Jokes


St. Peter listened patiently and then replied, "Bill, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, but what you first saw was only a demo!"

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo and Tantilazing


ADAPTATION OF THE RAVEN
Friday 4th May 2007
Adaptation of the Raven


...try reading this one out loud...


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision
bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the
floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat
there, doing spreadsheets:


Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the
drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE
command But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry,
Ignore."


Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the
top ones. Clearly I must now adopt one - Chose: "Abort,
Retry, Ignore."


With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the
keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all
would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I
pressed a key - But on the screen what did I see? Again:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."


I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but
twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I
had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random
combinations. Still there came the incantation - Chose:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."


There I saw, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine
accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the
office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and
blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night